By Chokee Slam (the artist formerly known as CiggiePak)
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Fresno, CA

'Fully Loaded' is supposed to be more of a reference to Sable's boobs, but if we're making references about Sable, I think Fully Bloated could be more fitting. Depending on the time of the month of course.

Val Venis (I guess he could pass as a 'porn star' since porn stars are usually not attractive. But they usually look more like Dan Severn though. I think they need to change Venis' gimmick) VS. Jeff Jarrett. Signage was spotted during this match that read:


I reckon the owner of this sign was Southern. My suggestion though is if you make a sign, you should spell it right. Anyways, Jeff Jarrett came out in his chic Silver Surfer goes to Chippendales outfit and had a MAD case of the panty lines though. Does anyone else think that Jarrett looks like Ravishing Ronno (from Bugs Bunny Loony Tunes fame??)

Oh, some WWF self promoting: BODYSLAM juice drinks- the drink with Attitude. Comes in Piledriver Punch, Backbreaker Blue and Dropkick Orange. YO guys, BLUE is not a flavor.. it's a color.

D'Lo Brown goes against Xpac. If D'Lo is the champion of Europe, what the heck is he doing here?? So Xpac performed his signature Bronco Ride move (should I describe it? It's so illegal) (I feel so violated watching it) ah,what the hell. If it's shown on public television, I can describe it. Okay, X-Pac's opponent is normally beaten and slumped down by the corner turnbuckle, so that the head is placed on the bottom cushion. Xpac takes a running start and jumped on the guy's face and basically RIDES him like a bronco. It's like his opponent's face is SO raped. I don't know… I question this move. What was equally disturbing was seeing two round dudes in the audience with matching Hawaiian shirts. Quite an eyesore.

Has anyone considered making up NEW wrestling moves?? Here are some suggestions:

  1. The Indian Burn
  2. The Cranium Twist
  3. The 3-hair yank

If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to send them over.

Farooq and Scorpio vs. Terry Funk and Justin Hawk Bradshaw. My question is why Bradshaw has the letters 'BJ' on his panties. Bradshaw Justin?? Why not JHB? And we all know what people come up with first when they hear 'BJ'. Not a good image I tell you. And poor Terry Funk. It seemed at one point, Bradshaw wanted to scream to him, "COME ON, YOU OLD GOAT!!!" So Funk held himself pretty well during the match. He slammed his stomach onto Scorpio's shoulder.. that shoulda hurt Scorpio REAL good. So Terry did say he wanted to take some time off but Bradshaw went rogue with a chair. Touchy touchy.

Vader vs. Mark Henry. What IS Vader's hand signal. Looks like the Orkan greeting, 'Na-noo Na-noo'. During this match, I had never seen so much flesh hanging off bodies.. Vader's breasts were hanging off on his sides, Mark Henry's neck flap was folding over. I think he could keep his organizer there.. then his saggy underarm flaps can hold his house keys, car keys and some breath mints to boot. P.S. Mark Henry is NOT the strongest man in the world. If he was, he would at least have a medal to show for it.. he came in EIGHTH!!

During the program, the camera would switch to Stu Hart's home, in Calgary Ontario. Setting up for the 'Dungeon Match'..

Switch to an interview with Paul Bearer, Kane and Mankind where the New Age Outlaws interfere and try to belittle the trio. All I could think was, Kane got MILK when he was growing up. What a BIG boy!

LOD2000 vs. DOA. Is the 2000 the combined age of the two LOD's? Why does DOA's vest say 'APOPKA'?? What does that meeeean?? And one of the best signs of the night (definitely in the running for the I Love Potato Salad Award):


Actually they're not THAT old but, we like to exaggerate. DOA DOES shave their armpits however. This is another phenoma and will be included in a future report about Wrestlers who SHAVE. Stay tuned.

Finally, we reach the DUNGEON Match between Kenny Shamrock and Owen Hart. This takes place in the Stu Hart basement however. It actually looked quite homey there, not at all dark and dingy. This is where we get to see exactly how Owen probably dresses around the house. He was sporting LARGE elbow and knee pads that looked more like he was wearing a full scuba outfit underneath his tee shirt and zebra (?) pattern Joey Buttafucco jams. I guess Owen just woke up out of bed and went right ahead to the match. Somehow Kenny was coming down the basement stairs (they let him into their house??), going through the maze-like layout and I commend him for being able to find the exact room that Owen and guest referee Dan Severn was in. I was waiting for him to open the door to the spare bathroom and surprise Owen's mother while she's sitting on the can or something. That could have been a mess since Owen loves his momma.

As I said, Dan Dan the Beast Man was the referee and sporting some upsetting bike shorts. One moment during the match, I swear Dan looked at Owen AND his outfit as if he was thinking, 'How COULD you wear that on pay per view?' I second that.

We were wondering if they could utilize wall outlets during the match. They didn't. Also, Owen's pant pocket was turned inside out which could possible indicate that Kenny mugged him prior to the match. Mmm..

As the match commenced in its mock brutality, Lawler yelled at one point, 'Run him into the washing machine if it's down there!' I don't think Lawler meant Dan Severn but the actual appliance. Asides from Owen picking Kenny up to ram his head into the ceiling, the most INSANE thing that occurred in this match was when Owen was smothering over Kenny attempting a submission move, I believe, and GET THIS, Kenny MOO's!! I swear to it, we've rewinded the tape numerous of times and have heard Kenny MOO. Or it could have been a low gutteral fart but I think it's more of a MOO. This leads to thoughts of Wrestler Tipping (new jock sport!! WHOO!!) Also B.C. has thoughts of squeezing Kenny's rock hard bottom, to which I think, if you squeeze it, he will MOO. (OH, that was tasteless). This was a fun(ny) match.. by far.

The Rock vs. H(to the 3rd power). That is HHH for anyone who doesn't get that. Basically a looooooong match, 2 out of 3 falls even. This is when people run after the cotton candy vendor.. get popcorn.. go to the bathroom.. get some cheesy poofs..

The bikini contest between Sable and Jacqueline is next. If you like seeing silicone boobies, then this is your thang. Jacqueline even lets a nip pop out.. and Sable abuses the English language as well by saying, "I have IEDIZ of my own..' She meant to say IDEAS but go figure. (B.C., being from Brooklyn, says 'idears'... B.C)

Final match: The Undertaker and Steve Austin vs. Kane and Mankind. Can the Undertaker and Steve Austin function as a unit?? Is the Undertaker in cahoots with Kane?? What will happen?? Who cares about that. This is our perspective. During the Undertaker's entrance, he stands outside the ring to perform his 'summoning on the lights' act, where all this dry ice comes out from behind him. It looked more like smoke was emanating from his butt. He truly is the Phenom! And yet again, we have spotted the ENIGMATIC WET SPOT (on Undertaker's butt)!! It was the shape of Africa this time.

One of the best parts was when UT flipped Austin the finger and Austin just had this smile on his face like he wasn't expecting it. You know what, just off the record, I think these guys just hang out with each other once in a while, or have all their families together for a barbecue and talk about .. stuff. It's a nice thought really.

And I shall close this on the nice thought..

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