by Chokee Slam
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Chicago, IL Oct 98

Al Snow and Marc Mero start off the night. Jeff Jarrett wanders into the ring prior to their stand-off, trying to look for his gimmick. Nah, there's a build-up for a strife between Al and Jarrett but I think it's being played a bit too long. Ever since Jarrett got his hair-cut and you can see how chicken-like his neck is, well.. ah, poor Jarrett can't be an audience favorite even if you could see his chicken neck or not.

Anyways, the most horrifying thing about this match was the near stripping of Mero's boxers. He had it hanging down to his butt cheeks but thankfully, his underwear was still on. I sense a new character for Mero.. "Little Richard goes hip hop". Whattaya mean it won't work? Okay.. Al performs his finishing move, the snow plow and it seemed like it really hurt Mero. Thanks Al! (I'm just kidding).

DOA enters with their load, Paul Ellering, on their motorcycles. They square off against LOD with Droz. You know, Animal wears the same pansy brief-leg shorts that Bad Ass Billy Gunn wears but it doesn't look gay on the Animal. Mmm.. BUT someone needs to tell Animal how to apply his make-up.. it was one big black spot in the middle of his forehead, like he got shot in the head. Or maybe it was Ash Wednesday. Anyways.. WWF, I plead to you to NOT allow Paul Ellering to wrestle. He's embarassingly BAD! I mean, think about the humiliation his children would suffer..

Amusing segment with Michael Cole interviewing Sable and Al Snow with Head. Al's got some pretty interesting nipples.. they look kinda…. squishy. Not saggy like the Rock but.. squishy looking. Anyways, there was a love connection between Sable and the Head. It would have been better if there was a love connection between Al and Michael Cole.

Christian (the older, ragged one) vs. Taka Michinoku. Christian enters with Mongrel (yes, I mean Gangrel) and his six inch fangs. Alright, they're not THAT long but I gotta tell you, he cut his own bottom lip with those things. He may as well poke some meat through those and have a shish-kebob whenever he feels like it. Anyways, I wonder if anyone can clear up this mystery for us. When 'Christian' first made his appearances during Edge's matches, he looked younger, softer, smoother. (He must have used that Norelko shaver that spits out jiz. Now we see this OLDER, more rugged, Christian who has some acne scars on his forehead. Hey WWF, who ya tryin' to fool?? This is not the same guy. And y'all trying to tell us that he's Edge's YOUNGER brother?? Don't you mean Edge's grandpa??

Taka sports some cute little capri leggings.. his capris are bike shorts for the likes of Kane or Undertaker. Jams for the likes of Austin. Socks for Droz's or Sable's feet. OH.

This was actually a good match. Even though Taka lost his lightweight belt to the not so lightweight Christian, Taka was flying around and off the ring like a bastich. He's a fargin' nut. One point in the match, Christian backflips Taka, and then Christian accidentally falls on his ass. Boy… is he good or what?

We catch a quick flash of Edge in the audience, before someone shoved a BIG sign over his face. This was a good technique. If the audience won't walk by him and goose him, by all means, put a huge sign in front of his face. He shouldn't be in the audience anyways.

Now.. out of nowhere we asked ourselves about wrestlers who carry fanny packs. What could they be carrying in there?? Does Austin carry his extra supply of whoop ass?? Al Snow carries little Barbie heads?? If Kane started using a fanny pack, I guess I would either die laughing or just jump into that pack and have him carry me around like a kangeroo. (Oh, cute! ... B.C.)

Enter Goldust licking his lips.. picking things out of his teeth or something. He goes against the Big ThinningHairski Val Venis. One point in the match, it looked like Venis was holding his left arm, waiting for the big heart attack to hit his old geezer self.


Y'all know who was holding this sign, right? It was Owen Hart.. because Owen loves his momma.

So during the Goldust/ Val ThinAnkleski Venis match, the camera did an obvious zooming in on Goldust's wedding ring. Goldust should have manicured for that Home Shopping Network moment. Anyways, Goldust won over the Big Dweeboski and he showed him what he thought of him by bending over and showing his ass. I guess HIS ass was calling somebody.. calling Val NotAPornStarski (hey, anyone remember Starski (and Hutch?). Starski was the one with the Pro-Keds).

X-Pac walks into Michael Coleski (I can't stop!) and starts yelling into the camera to Kenny Shamrock for hurting his buddy, Hunter Hearst Hemsley (I know it's Helmsley but I'm just following in tradition of Pat Patterson's warped pronunciation)..
X-Pac vs. D'Lo Brown for the European Belt. Here we catch sight of some audience members holding up aluminum foil shaped into letters. What a great way to carry your foodage to the arena with you AND THEN show your support for your favorite letter. The chick we saw was really into the letter 'D'. Another word to the audience, when the camera gets a shot of you, and you decide to do the crotch chop, for God's sake, DO IT RIGHT!!?? Do not chop your upper thigh and do not make a V shape by your crotch (remember, it should be an X).. it'll save you some embarassment.

This was a somewhat long match.. and having big ass Mark Henry running in at -1 miles per hour stretched the match even more. So he was supposed to interfere but we know how that goes. After X-Pac wins the belt back, both he and D'lo are pretty tired and splayed on the mat. Chyna goes over to X-pac, probably asks him, "Are you okay, honey??" Then Mark Henry goes over to D'Lo and probably asks, "Are you okay, honey?" OH! Who said that? (actually it was B.C.)

Headbangers are interviewed. They're pretty silly these days which of course makes us respect them a bit more. I can't respect one of their tattoos though, it was a blob with no definition.

New Age Outlaws vs. the Headbangers. Bad Ass Billy Butt takes a gulp of his Evian and then chucks the bottle into the audience. You know people can get hurt from that! Set an example, why don't you. During the match, Jim Ross reports, "that Billy Gunn is a horse now.." Mm, I thought he was a goat, judging from the way he baa'd during a recent interview.
Meanwhile, we commend the Headbangers for being able to wrestle with skirts on. Most of the time, you can see the skirt folded up, so you can see their boxers. I hate it when that happens. I mean, like when you accidentally tuck half your dress into your underwear after you've gone to the bathroom, it's very uncomfortable for people to TELL you that you're a dope.



AW.. a crummy commercial??

Finally we get a glimpse of Billy Gunn's fingers.. they're about as short and pudgy as Paul Bearer's.. I think God made a boo boo and put toes on Billy's hands..

Mankind vs. Kenny Shamrock. Jim Ross says of Kenny, "There's the face of a gladiator!" Actually, Ross, thanks for allowing us to envision Kenny in a skirt with a sword and shield.. as if we didn't rag on Kenny enough. The match commences and we see Kenny cry again after he's tasted Mr. Socko (actually I don't know who WOULDN'T cry) and eventually, Mankind takes the sock off to reveal the Mandible Claw. Is the Mandible Claw as effective if not more so if it was shoved into the opponent's nostrils??
Finally, Kenny manages to put the ankle submission on Mankind and to make it more effective, Kenny starts making noises like, 'afa..afa…afa…afa..afa'. I don't know but I think it was an incantation that forced Mankind to give HIMSELF the mandible claw and pass out. Kenny gets mad though because Mankind doesn't lose by HIS submission move. There's no satisfying him.. he gets so angry, he gives the ref a hug (before slamming him to the mat)..

Interview with Big Boss Man and (Michael Cole says) his big black nad? Gnat? They should have done a re-take on that segment.

Mark Henry enters the ring and the camera is filming from above the arena, and behind the titantron. 'The Nation' flashes on the screen, but from our view, we see:

e h T

n o i t a N

Like a Japanese person saying 'Ed Norton'.

Mark Henry ran into the ring. He shouldn't have done that because he tired himself out already.. and he had to face The Rock. Or ehT kcoR. We reckon WWF is really giving the Rock a push because other wrestlers are complaining about the puddles of sweat he leaves in the ring after his matches and it creates for a very uncomfortable and slippery match for themselves. SO if Rock was the headliner, the mat could remain somewhat DRY until the finale..

D'Lo enters the ring to try to interfere but the Rock knocks him out of the ring. Boy.. that D'lo, he's gooood. BUT Rock loses anyways after D'lo got his wits about him and held his feet while Mark Henry pinned him. Can you imagine the puddles in the Rock's boots??

Rock gets to stay in the ring after the match, looking perplexed for about five minutes because Kane and Undertaker probably needed to get into their spandex. I can imagine Kane slipping into his leggings like a woman would slip in her pantyhose.. toes pointed out, making sure there are no visible seams.. but I won't imagine that. heh. That's disturbing, even for me.

Kane vs. Undertaker with Steve Austin as special referee.

Kane walks through the curtain, after doing a little whirlwind arm movement to find the slit.. and it looked like there was a little droolie on his mask. I wonder if he forgot to take the mask off before eating.. And OH, someone pelted him with a teeny tiny rolled up gum wrapper.. it's harsh enough to get pelted by rolled up looseleaf papers of death.. but little tiny ones too?? Have you no mercy??

Undertaker makes his entrance.. UT and Kane face each other in the ring. Kane looked like he was thinking, "My entrance was better.." UT speaks to Kane, using whatever hand movements he could so that we, the viewers, can have an idea of what he's saying. The obvious would be this, '(holding finger up) you and me, we're brothers but we have to fight each other (miming belt on waist) for this belt, but no hard feelings, okay? May the best man win.. (he slaps Kane on the chest) I love ya bro.'

Our demented version of this is, '(holding finger up) pull this finger, it's the meaning of life, (miming belt on waist) man with jelly roll our enemy, a box of chocolate.. (he slaps Kane on the chest) nice boob.'



There's nothing comical about this sign except for the fact that as the match progressed and I kept seeing this sign, I think it was morphing. The words were changing each time I saw it.. next it became:



I believe if I kept looking at it, it would eventually say:



And I don't even take drugs.

Okay, this was a fun match mainly because Austin was a hoot, trying to hand UT the cable wire to use against Kane (but UT's face was priceless throughout this match) (you KNOW they all hang out together) or giving the UT a fast count and Kane a slow one..

Then I caught a passing glimpse of a big red butt. I liked it.

Considering UT and Kane have had some phenomenal matches together, this one was a bit tame. They were on the mat most of the time, UT trying to work on Kane's leg, keeping him horizontal and off his 'vertical' base… I would pay good money to see him diagonal. That would truly be amazing.

One point, I think Austin checked out Kane's butt and was wondering if he uses the Ass Master. Mm.

Bearer walks in with a chair.. and Bearer gives Kane the chair, then UT gives Kane the chair, then Austin gives UT the chair.. And they all sat down and played musical chairs. NO.. Kane and UT are both knocked up (OH…) I mean OUT.. and Austin counts them both out and proclaims himself the WINNER. He challenges Vinnie Mac to fire him, and has to browse about backstage looking for him. He barges into Owen Hart's room, who is on the phone and says to Austin, 'I'm retired'. Austin replies, 'Ah, you're sickening.' Lawler screams, 'It's the Blue Blazer!!' The WWF doesn't even try to hide anything anymore. This was silly. What would have been great is if Austin barged into Kenny Shamrock's dressing room and caught him posing in front of the mirror (specifically that butt clenching pose).. or seeing Kenny stuffing a huge ham sandwich into his mouth.

Anyways, finally Austin gets back in the ring.. only to have Vinnie Mac fire him.. but it was actually just a gratuitous moment to have Austin share his beer with the how sweet.

This is Chokee saying Eat at Chucky Cheez.

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