By Chokee Slam (the artist formerly known as CiggiePak)
There were many various situations on this episode
of Raw is War. The roster includes some WIDE-assed police people, long speeches, some
signs worthy of the "I Love Potato Salad" award, a very serious injury,
ZAMBONI!, and some good matches. The WWF has been providing some hearty entertainment
lately and it is greatly appreciated. I would give up my potato salad to watch more good
Raw programs. Here we go
Vinnie Mac gives us a start with a long speech
(they're always long). But during this time, we were able to notice some good signage:
(writer's note: what a way
to get the camera dude to film you
(writer's note: this is a
rather personal issue but HEY, freedom of expression!)
It was beginning to elevate our humor
(and this is a pretty easy thing to do).
New Age Outlaws vs. Southern Justice (with Jeff
Jarrett in tow). Now Double J. Jeff Jarrett always has to carry a guitar out that has
'DON'T P*** ME OFF' on it. But we feel that any statement loses validity when letters get
astericked. Now we understand that the WWF has to be careful with it's use of colorful
language, for there are children with NO PARENTS in close proximity to them while viewing
the program so we suggest the following phrases that wouldn't need astericks:
PICK ME OFF
PUKE ME UP
POOP ME OUT
PIMP ME OUT
POKE ME AROUND
POP ME ONE (bc's personal fav)
PLAY WITH ME
PINCH MY BUM
PILE ON ME
POKE MY EYE
POKE MY BOOB
PUSH ME AWAY
PLUG MY ORIFICE
PLOW THE FIELD
Okay, I'm stopping now because the
list was getting a little ridiculous. However I know there are a few phrases listed that
would require some hefty WWF conferences to determine if it's objectionable or not. But
hell, if Vinnie Mac can say 'pussies', if Steve Austin can say 'ASS', 'bastard', 'damn',
'HELL', and HHH can say 'bitch', it probably wouldn't be long before they WILL spew forth
words like 'tit', 'fargin' arsehole, 'suck my c***
'. You get the idea.
P.S. Can someone tell Road Dog to STOP doing his
dance moves before performing a wrestling move? I'm surprised someone doesn't POP him
one for wasting time in the wrestling ring. BUT, credit is given where due, he can dance
better than Shawn Michaels.
The New Age Outlaws angle is that Bad Ass Billy Gunn
has a tiff with his fellow DX members. Jim Ross explains, "He's got to be physically
and mentally exhausted from the LOAD he's carrying." The load in his pants, we ask??
(OH!, who said that?)
Next match is a serious one actually. Dan Dan the
Beast Man Severn vs. Owen Hart. Dan actually got hurt on this one, with Owen's dreaded
piledriver. Anyone can see that Dan's head was slammed to the mat. A pretty serious
injury, I must say. But more controversial is, what is that bit of white material sticking
out of Owen's bicycle shorts?? Bounty??
|We wish Dan the best however, and a swift recovery.
Vader vs. Al Snow. Vader has a pretty disturbing butt.
Actually he has no butt, it's ALL back with a slit. (OH! I can't believe you went
there! ... B.C.)
Edge, D'Lo Brown, Gangrel, Droz, Marc Mero and JJ
Jarrett in an elimination match: Yo Gangrel, you with your blood (Kool Aid, corn syrup
with red dye, whatever) all over your mouth and shirt. Though you're a vampire, it doesn't
give you the excuse to have blood all your face. When we eat, we don't have food ALL over
OUR faces!! Vampires should have some etiquette!
One of the highlights of this match however is when
Marc Mero pulled his boxing shorts up to his nipples. If anyone has this episode taped,
slo-mo on that segment, it's all the more funnier. The fact that Mero still looks like
L'il Richard is pretty funny too but
Signage spotted at this point: It says
"HAJDU". To that, we say 'WHUHT are you saaaaaaaying???'
So eventually, Edge's new 'nemesis', that Sebastian
Bach looking dude appears, distracts Edge, and D'Lo wins.
Vinnie Mac splays the ring with red carpetting,
introduces Undertaker and Kane to the podium. The Undertaker struts to the ring, rolls his
eyeballs to the back of his head (I get dizzy if I do this, he truly is a phenom!). Kane
enters and after his signature move (where he raises his arms up and brings them down,
causing the fire to erupt from all corners of the ring), the fire doesn't come out. The
tech guy backstage screwed up. Though Glen Jacobs wears a mask, I can imagine the
expression on his face. He was probably rolling his eyes to the back of his head. He was
most likely muttering, 'Damn you all
you all suck
I can't work under these
I'll be in my trailer' (meanwhile Undertaker is chuckling to himself)
Enter Steve Austin on a ZAMBONI (the wide-assed cops
just couldn't even run along side this slow moving vehicle to stop him, eh?) and attacks
|OH, at this point, there is Kane Butt Sighting. (writer's note: sorry, I happen to like his butt. Not too flabby and not something that would
sprain your fingers if you grabbed it)
|So you all know what happened. UT and
Kane start beating on Vinnie Mac because he doesn't give any of them the title belt.
Vinnie is a horrible actor STILL and Vinnie gets carted out via ambulance. But the
funniest part of this is when Mankind is trying to help Vinnie by offering his Big Gulp
and some candy. If Mankind is improvising on these comedic acts, I give him two thumbs up
(the ass) (OH, who said that?).
Cut to: Mark
Henry vs. Farooq with Chyna refereeing. Like no one would know the outcome of this match.
Someone hand delivers an AIRBORNE package to Chyna after the match and my issue on that
is, the AIRBORNE package did NOT have an airbill! Come on, WWF, no loopholes in the
Kenny Shamrock is interviewed. Did anyone notice the
gloves he had hanging around his neck?? The hand part was covering his nipple there. Now
that's a very unique looking bra. (maybe he didn't want anyone inspecting his wayward
nipples, I mean haven't you noticed they point in 2 different directions?... B.C.)
This is the moment in the program to let the tv
viewers know that their viewing pleasure has been made possible by Starburst "Give a
boost, give it some juice!" and Castrol Syntec "the active lubricant".
Another question: WHY is Val Venis being passed off
as a sexy, attractive person?? He's REPULSIVE, balding, has toothpick legs and is just
downright NOT attractive. Of course this is just our opinion. He goes up against X-Pac.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Val Venis swaying his hips over a supine X-Pac seems kinda gay
(at least in Marilyn Manson's definition of it). So, Terri Runnels (who is Venis' valet)
interferes in the match and Chyna comes in and shoved her GOOD. "..almost shoves her
to East Lansing," says Jerry Lawler. That was cool. But what is not cool is the
return of Golddust. Dustin Runnel's gimmick should have been this: he turns his back on
God and follows Marilyn Manson. That Golddust thing is pretty old and there's something
really disturbing about the gold unitard. (next time we see Golddust, check out his
thing... it's bizarre... B.C.)
Now it's nearing the finale. They show Kane and
Undertaker walking around backstage in the arena. They do this a lot. They do this quite
often that they even tend to wobble in synch. It's kinda cute sometimes. But.. do they
just walk around before the match?? And why aren't there any deli trays with finger
sandwiches (finger sandwiches to them is a hoagie to us) around to keep them content??
||Okay, final match: Undertaker and Kane vs Mankind,
Kenny Shamrock and The Rock. During the beginning of the match, it looked like Kenny hit
Undertaker, for real, I swear UT's eyes almost went to the back of his head again, but not
voluntarily. Yo Kenny, take it easy, eh?? (oh by the way, Kenny, I think you're a nice
person and I respect you and your athletic ability and just don't hit me, eh?? I know you
have kids.. I mean I was a kid once.. mm?)
|UT & Kane are an impressive tag
team duo. You can imagine UT saying, 'Slappa my hand, Red Soul Man' when they tag each
other (or this is just our sick interpretation of what they're like) AND there was a
UNDERTAKER'S WET SPOT SIGHTING!! This time it was off center to the left on his butt. And
it wasn't any recognizable shape, it was just a blob. A basic blob.
At this point, I came up with a great marketing idea. WWF can
sell Candy Kanes!! Yes? Mm, back to the match.
SIGNAGE: now here's some advice for people who
decide to have 'multiple person signs', meaning each person holds up A letter. This is the
result when not EVERYONE cooperates:
To that, I say this is the end of my
RAW report and I hope lessons were learned. Until next time
this is ChokeeSlam