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By Chokee Slam
| October 12, 1998, Nassau
Coliseum Vinnie Mac enters the arena
in his shiny, luxurious corvette. Obvious set up for a catastrophe. Vinnie has his homies
assist him out of the automobile and into his wheelchair (with the hernia donut placed on
the seat) and we may as well report this now. The corvette had manual transmission, which
meant there's a gas pedal AND clutch, which means that Vinnie could not possibly drive the
car because he would need BOTH feet to operate it and we all know that his ankle was
shattered last week, which means… which means……… HE IS NOT REALLY
INJURED!!! WHICH MEANS… WHICH MEANS…. (GASP)… THAT WRESTLING IS …
IS……. FAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!! OOOOOOH, SAY NOT SO!!!!!!!
Okay, on with the great show.
This was one full episode of select wrasslers
involved in a one night tournament to decide who would be the new Intercontinental Tit.
Okay, I need to fill everyone in on this joke, it's very simple. One day, while watching
wrestling on the telly, the words "INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE" flashed on the
screen, but the station logo was masking a few letters, appropiately the 'L' and 'E',
hence, what we saw before our very eyes was 'THE INTERCONTINENTAL TIT'. That's a pretty
coveted tit.. and a rather large tit. What a span on that tit!
But before the tournament, we have a match between
New Age Outlaws Road Dogg and (the returning) Mr. Ass vs. LOD Ass. LOD ASS, get it?? Hee.
Before the entrance of the NAO, Road Dogg's voice beams over the microphone, 'YOUR ASS
BETTER CALL SOMEBODY!!!' I don't know who his ass would call… a proctologist?? And
how would it call a proctologist?? "PPPPPPHHHHHRRRAAAAAPPPPP," I would imagine.
Or would his ass call 1-900-RUB-ON-KY?? (OH!)
| Now last we saw Mr. Ass, he was alittle tiffed and
walked out into the cold, harsh streets of Detroit, in some flamey boy leg briefs as well
but now seems to be back in the loop. He grabs the microphone and baa'd,
"NoooooOOW.." Yes, he BAA'd, like a goat. (Like a little lamb... B.C.) I
don't know where he was for the last two weeks but I hope they fed him some good grass. |
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| This match was a bit of a mess. DOA
runs in, attacks Hawk ("He's been mugged!" says Jim Ross), then the Headbangers
come in and hit Road Dogg with a boombox which cuts him open.. oh it was just awful. I
hope they didn't leave a Marilyn Manson tape in there, that's a good album (Mechanical
Animals..) Cut to Kane walking into the arena,
wearing his alternate mask (all black, I believe) and a wind breaker?? I think we need to
have a fashion makeover. He had attempted the Unibomber look before, which was ….
interesting. However I'm sure he had a bit of trouble anytime he needed to go to the bank
to make any transaction. Is it really necessary for him to always wear a mask? We know he
looks like that dude, Isaac Yankem D.D.S. Oh well, if Kaney wants to do something, there
aren't many people who would stop him. I, for one, would just end up pleading like a
snivelling wimp, latched onto his leg while he was walking around the arena. I would
plead, "Please Mr. Kane, no more wind breakers.. and no breaking wind
either…" to which he would say, 'What's with the damn mosquito on my leg…
it's actually talking!!'
Anyways, I'd like to suggest some fashion
pointers… to keep the glare from your eyes, honey, you can wear sunglasses OVER the
mask. If you'd like to really push the incognito bit, then the ski mask OVER the red/black
mask is recommended. Unfortunately he'd probably drop to the ground from hyperventilation.
OKAY, the fun begins. First match of the tournament.
Kenny Shamrock vs… who IS that guy?? When did he ever wrestle?? Ya'll at WWF act as
if he's somebody. (sorry).. hey, you can try to convince me he's somebody but unless I see
his name in the phone book, I don't know who he is. Anyways, just joking. It's Steve Black
Man. He didn't look black to me though. |
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Here we see Kenny walking down the
ramp, in his panties designed by Popeye Corp. and shin guards from 'Camouflage Hairy Legs
Designs, Inc.'. We see a rather new attitude in the way Kenny walks, as his muscular legs
doesn't seem to allow him to do it… good. He's not a very good walker.. (but
certifiably a good screamer) HOWEVER the rhythmic bounce of his breasts will indubitably
take your mind off those tree trunk legs. (Hey, you show me someone who can walk
attractively down a ramp... B.C. -- I gotta stick up for Kenny) |
| Kenny commences with the match, beating
on … whats that guy's name… and seemed to stop at mid-match to look at someone
in the audience in confusion. Perhaps he was looking at some guy's sign… it may have
said, 'DRINK MORE OVALTINE..'. This could confuse a Kenny. |
| In spite of the interference from the audience
member, Kenny beats that Steve Black Man but some masked guy flounced into the ring, gives
a whirlwind kick to Kenny and beats up Black Man. All the while, Jim Ross is saying,
'Could it be.. the Blue Blazer?? It can't be… I mean, can it be?? The Blue Blazer..
HEY everyone, I THINK it's the Blue Blazer.. NOOO, it can't be the .. BLUE Blazer..' |
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| I don't know, dude, but I think it
might be the Blue Blazer. (Or it could be The Brown Sport Coat… B.C.) Hey,
he could be Super Smoking Jacket but regardless, when he left the ring, he ran up the ramp
with his arms outstretched. Poor guy thought he was gonna fly. Does anyone remember
'Captain Chaos' of Cannonball Run fame?? Mm…. Kenny was a bit distraught by the fact that he got whooped by the Blue Blazer
that… that…. he went to beat up Steve Black Man. Yeah, blame him, it's ALL his
fault, EVERYTHING is his fault. World hunger is his fault. Kenny can certainly scream
though.. if he's not careful, that vein in his neck is just going to burst and boy will he
be sorry.
Cut to Undertaker entering the arena. Aw, he forgot
his bag!! He's gonna have to borrow tights from one of the other wrestlers. I hope he
doesn't use Kenny's tights, they'd look like speedos on UT and it might just squeeze out
his 'little friend's' will to live (boy, Kenny's tights ARE small). And Mankind's leggings
would probably look like MC Hammer pants on him..
Next Val Venus with Terri Runnels vs. Marc Mero with
Jacqueline. I couldn't really see Marc Mero past the shiny gleam of Jacqueline's oily
t-zone AND O-zone. (girl to girl talk here.. ) (I'm talking to Mero.. just kidding) A bit
of powder would be good for that… oil blotters. K-Mart sells the little packets for
approximately $4, it would take the shine off WITHOUT needing to use powder.
WHOA man, Venus has got the SKINNIEST ankles. I bet
if he put too much weight on them, they would just crack and break. Well, they do match
his boney legs… if anyone wants to ask him what time it is, his legs would say '11
o'clock..'
Meanwhile Jacqueline gets to attack Terri, whose
Barbie slippers fly off. Doesn't she know only drag queens can master the usage of those
type of shoes. They're not made for women.
Meanwhile Paul Bearer has returned. He just
returned. I don't think they worked out his storyline yet… as a matter of fact, he's
still at the arena waiting for his cue. WHYYYY was he there??
Now, the Penguin-shaped Mankind vs. Mark Henry.
Chyna walks in and there's this whole silly angle going on about how Chyna is being sued
by Mark Henry for sexual harassment. Well, Mark Henry, my words of advice for you is to
just stand firm and scream, 'It's sexual harassment and I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!'
That oughta do it.
Jim Ross almost let it slip that Austin was going to
come into the arena with a truck… but he somewhat saved himself out of that. He said,
'perhaps (Austin) is driving his truck, his car, his taxi, his limo… whatever it may
be..' We suggest that Mr. Austin should try a skooter, a moped, tricycle (with the bell),
jet skis, hand glider, a tugboat, a UPS truck, a GEO, hovercraft, kayak, dog sled, a baby
walker (with a horn), a Little Rascal (this would probably have a bunch of items caught in
the wheels such as papers and purses..)…. |
| OH, the Mankind match is still going on. Mankind
takes off his shoe and his sock (Mr. Socko awakens) and he stuffs it into Mark Henry's
mouth. It was the Mandible Sock. |
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| Ah, Austin drives in on a cement truck.
Silly. He seems to commandeer some pretty strange vehicles.. Jeff Jarrett vs. X-Pac. X-Pac is quite a screamer as
well… and Jeff Jarrett let out a crisp clear 'DOH!' (after getting hit by little
X-Pac).. but the fun part of the match was when Jarrett was about to take his paper thin
guitar out of the case and finds Al Snow's HEAD in there.. Snow ran into the ring, grabbed
HEAD, ran for the ropes, almost got mangled in the ropes (that would have been a horrible
predicament, they would have had to get the jaws of life to free him) and dropped poor
HEAD. |
| This is where Austin unloads the cement into Vinnie
Mac's corvette and where we got a clearer view of the stick shift. Tsk tsk.. actually it's
funnier that there are loopholes in stories. |
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| Austin then enters the ring and gives
the standard speech and in comes Vinnie at the top of the ramp with two K-9's. Austin
TRIES to attack Vinnie but those silly dogs just start barking at each other. Austin tried
as HARD as he could to instigate them but who knows, they just may as well have been HIS
dogs whom he frequently takes out on duck hunts or something.. Austin's expression was
basically, 'AH GEEZ, couldn't you find two dogs that LIKED each other?? This is not
working here…' Ooh take a close look at
Vinnie Mac's neck.. it's all wrinkled and red.. I think he was about to shed. (Hey, he
inflates it during mating season... B.C)
NOTE: Austin acknowledges the crowd chanting
'ASSHOLE'.. and Austin repeats it himself. (And I get tossed out of AOL!!! What is this
world coming to??)
Finally, Vince yells, "I've got balls the size
of grapefruits!!" If this is the case, I reckon he should go see a doctor and get rid
of it.
Venis vs. Kenny. During Venis' entrance, Kenny runs
in at full speed… he ran past the cameraman and was unable to stop. I hope he didn't
crash into the ring. His panties might break. Kenny put Venis in the Boston Crab and this
is where I have the revelation.… I have discovered a way to escape the Boston Crab
WITHOUT having to crawl to the ropes… Now listen, this is sound advice. If EVER you
find yourself in the Boston Crab, you take your index finger, you point it past your head,
and POKE it into the butt of the BostonCrabber. This should shock the individual beyond
belief, and he would therefore release the hold and this is the point where you make a mad
dash AWAY from this person, run as fast as you can, take the Little Rascal or the UPS
truck if you have to. You will no longer be the BostonCrabbee but your life would still be
in danger. Another suggestion (if you don't want to do the poke up the butt method) is
just a claw-like grab… the complications of this would depend on the hardness of the
butt. The more muscular it is, the more you are liable to palsy your fingers. I would
recommend Kane ass if you'd like to keep your fingers… |
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Oh, the match
continues. One point, Kenny slams his crotch onto Venis' back. That is one mighty crotch,
I must say. He must exercise using the home video 'Crotch of Steel'. We know he uses 'Abs
of Steel', 'Buns of Steel', 'Nose of Mush', 'Eyes of Cross', 'Nipples of Misdirection',
and 'Knees of Hair'.
Sorry, I'm getting really silly. |
| Ah finally, Venus is beat which leaves
the opening for Goldust to return wearing his robe with the COLOSSAL shoulder pads.. he
gives Venus a kick to the turnbuckle that was protecting his anteater.. Gee… that was
effective. However, we see Goldust is sporting a NEW gold and black unitard which has a
slimming effect to create the thinner look… a must for all wig toting, make-up
wearing wrestlers… The Rock gets an
interview.. he sports a frumpy gray sweatshirt.. and you can barely see his undies.. he
looks practically naked from the waist down.
Mankind vs. X-Pac. This is where we see the only
worthy sign of the night.
THE ROCK FEARS MY WIFE'S COOKING |
Poor X-Pac is pretty fatigued by
now.. but Kenny enters during their match.. Mankind waves hello to him (I just like
Mankind more and more every show) and then Kenny SABOTAGES the match.. He takes the chair
and hits it on the ring near Mankind's ankle.. OOCH. X-Pac takes the win and Kenny attacks
X-Pac. Kenny, honey, you're getting out of control.. would you like some Valium?? (Perhaps
he forgot his Lithium that day... B.C.) And you take Undertaker's panty off your head
and put it back on him!!
X-Pac seems to have hurt his neck but the SHOW must
go on… Ross says, "Kenny salts X-Pac.." He, of course, meant to say ASSAULT
but our ears hear only what we'd like to hear. Kenny salts X-Pac, has a shot of tequila,
then sucks on a lime. YUM.
X-Pac SCREAMS for the match to start and for the
bell to be rung. Meanwhile we see… THE STYROFOAM FINGER VENDOR walking in the
audience with a mass of styrofoam fingers. What a job, man.. "FINGERS, FINGERS, GET
YOUR FINGERS HERE!! WE'VE GOT MIDDLE FINGERS, PINKIES, RING FINGERS, POINTERS AND THUMBS!!
BUY FIVE FINGERS AND YOU GET A HAND!! SEND IN THE REBATE AND A BIG TOE WILL BE DELIVERED
TO YOUR HOME!!!!"
Kenny starts to kick X-Pac (while he's down..) and
with every kick, Kenny barks. Really. It was a pretty audible 'ARF ARF'. Another point,
Kenny wraps his arm around X-Pac's neck, to which X-Pac SCREAMS. Poor guy.. hell, I don't
know how much I can endure having my face in Kenny's armpit either. It's a jungle in
there…. He doesn't shave his pits… there may be things in there..
ANOTHER thing, X-Pac screams 'COME ON, MUTHA FUCKA!'
He said the MF word… his bad. The network is gonna get in trouble for this episode, I
tell ya.
So Kenny does become the Intercontinental Tit.. he
is victorious.. He has possession of the GRANDEST tit in existence, I think. (DOH)
Now prep time for the final match… we see
backstage shots of Kane and Undertaker (split screen though). Kane is just pacing about,
perhaps humming a ditty, perhaps rapping a Poop Daddy tune, maybe even singing "Ring
of Fire".. and Undertaker is standing by the open door, arms crossed in deep deep
thought. Must be thinking, "Did I…… turn the stove off?? Flicked the OFF
switch on my curling iron? Did I forget to blowdry that wet spot on my tights??
AAAAARGH… darn. I knew I forgot something." Yes.. the wet spot makes yet another
appearance. B.C. says it's Florida. I thought it looked like a flask.
UT and Kane vs. Stevie Austin and the Rock. Some
Rock fans attempted a Multiple Person Sign throughout this match.. but their attempts were
failures. We did get to see "R O C K" on occasion but we saw a fleeting 'R' or
'C' (Mr. 'C' was a hyper one) and an "OC". Bearer enters the ring.. just to
stare or make sure his little boy has been eating well, I guess. Kaney sees him…
shakes his head and ignores him. Not even a greeting.. is that how you treat your POPPA!??
Rock did actually punch a fallen UT in the crotch..
UT let out a mighty "OOOF" and he had to maneuver his cup. That's a pretty
dangerous thing to do.. I don't know how it feels but I'm sure the UT could sing some
Michael Jackson songs for awhile there. He had to tag Kane quick.… 'Slappa my hand
dead soul man..' Kaney is becoming quite the agile 7 footer.. he hopped onto the corner
top rope and flung himself onto the Rock.. one day, if he flaps his arms enough, he may
actually get good height.. fly over the whole arena.
Kane.. he's a heavy breather.. I would imagine that
mask is stifling. The mouth slit is teeny so perhaps they should cut the mouth hole into
an O but I guess that would look alittle… perverted. And if they carved a BIG SMILE
on the mask, that's just downright embarassing. Okay never mind. I just worry about the
guy though. Does his face sweat more than other parts of his body? Considering it's a
leather mask… does he have face shrinkage?? I mean, does he talk like this….
Hope not.. he may end up with Gangrel's misfortune; SFOABFS (Small Features On A Big Face
syndrome).. and what if one day he was ill but still decided to wrestle.. and he horffs
with the mask on. These are the hazards of being a masked wrestler…
So while the Rock is getting pummelled on the
outside by D'Lo Brown and Mark Henry (hey who ever invites these people out to the
party…) Austin plays with the two dead bros… and we are then introduced to the
return of the Big Boss Man… which means a NEW character for us to WRITE (heh.. I mean
RAG) about..
Until next time… Chokee Slam signs off.
OFF.
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