By Chokee Slam
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October 19, 1998

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Alright, the excessive amount of 3:16 signs are pretty annoying but this one managed to pull a chuckle out from, at least, Bostin Crab:



(Hey, I have a goofy mom, and I just know she'd do something like this... B.C.)

This was the Monday after Judgment Day, in which Vinnie Mac fired Stevie Austin so Vinnie calls out all the wrestlers to the ring to celebrate. Balloons and streamers fill the arena while the wrestlers are cascading down the aisle and into the ring, wrestlers that we haven't seen in ages, wrestlers that we don't even know and probably people pulled from the audience to PRETEND to be wrestlers. Of course, the amazing thing was WHY didn't the ring collapse (I would have paid to see THAT) and WHY did they not pounce on each other and start waging battle?? Instead we catch sight of Scorpio about to cry (perhaps because his career is crumbling) and Bradshaw looking as perplexed as we did, wondering who these wrestlers were. Perhaps Scorpio was crying because Bradshaw didn't recognize him as a wrestler. OH SORRY.

Vinnie Mac wheels himself followed by his posse (Patterson, Slaughter, etc.) and gloats about his riddance of Mr. Cold.

And this is where we catch a glimpse of Hair Plugg Holly (Spark Plugg Holly), who was standing behind one of the Headbangers, FONDLING the Headbanger's ear. MMM.. I don't know.. but if any of you guys are showering with Hair Plugg Holly, I beg you to NOT DROP THE SOAP!! The consequences could be emotionally devastating. HOOF! How come the ring didn't collapse?!?
As the camera pans through the wrestlers in the ring, we catch sight of Steve Blackman looking entirely confused, staring up at the lights as if he's thinking, "Hey God, are you there? It's me, Steve Black Man…" Aw, he must be experiencing his first menstruation. OH!

Signage spotted. Actually it was an illustration of Steve Austin. It's great that people spend the time to draw their favorite WWF superstars, however, being the finicky New York artsy fartsy critic, we noticed that Steve's head was WAY too big, his eyes were doughy and Bambi-like yet somewhat bugged (this is pretty amazing to draw that sort of contrast.. ) (Actually, I think he looked pretty worried, perhaps because he was just fired... B.C.) and the shoulders were the same size as his neck.. therefore he looked like he didn't even HAVE a body.. it was like his head was on a stick. I think nightmares of Steve Austin's popsicle head will be forthcoming.

Anyways, the show was rearing off already, showing Austin in his pick-up truck with his gun. He will get Vince… oh yes… he will.

Kenny Shamrock vs. X-Pac who sports a lovely self designed Towel Poncho. Perhaps curtain ponchos will be his next design. He can use the curtain rod as well, lay it across his shoulders.. and start singing, 'Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun. ME, a name I call myself…' Whoof, I'm really embarrassed that I remember those lyrics.

We get a flashback of DX hanging out in Motley Crue's bus. Jim Ross informs the audience of the Crue members, "There's Vince Neil, Tommy Lee…" and when they close in on Mick Mars, Ross is silent. Hey, Mick Mars has always been the member of Crue you'd RATHER forget. I think Ross should have introduced them as, "Oh, there's the drunk driver, the wife beater… and that dinosaur.." OOH. Honestly, Motley Crue haven't really been creating anything interesting since the 80's. So here's a few bands/ musicians that we think would be equally as interesting that DX could have met:

Whitesnake, Poison, Warrant, Loverboy, Asia, Flock and the Seagulls, White Lion, Cinderella, Stryper, Quiet Riot, Morbid Angel, Lita Ford, Dexy's Midnight Runners, the Hooters, WASP, Slayer, Ricki Rachtman (ok, he's not really a performer but this would be funny), Ted Nugent, A-HA..

Okay, while X-Pac is fighting Kenny, two (supposed) police officers came in to arrest Chyna. These officers looked more like the arena security guys, or security doormen.. neighborhood watch guys. Even with sidearms, they looked too harmless.

One point, Kenny slammed X-Pac and covered him for the win, but X-pac kicked out of it.. to which his hands seemed pressed up towards the ceiling. It was performance art, ladies and gentlemen, he was portraying a mime (in a box). So after Kenny has alittle tete-a-tete with the audience, (the audience says, "AAAAAAAAAAH!!" and Kenny replies, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH (to you too)!!!!", Mankind enters to wave 'hello' to Kenny and distract him. At this point, I'm sure Kenny is having an inner struggle to decide whether he should wave back, but X-Pac takes the advantage and the win.. and runs after Chyna.. she gets taken away in the squad car.. Chyna is arrested by mall security.
…and two plainsclothes cops walk over to where Steve Austin is hanging and of course, instead of questioning him WHY he has a mammoth firearm in his possession, they ask Austin for his autograph. This was cute. What would have been cuter is if they said, "Thanks Mr. Goldberg, we're your biggest fans.."

Vinnie gets to watch this happen however, in his dressing room. The cop with the K-9 abandons him after telling Vinnie, "I didn't come here to endanger my life.." Most likely, the cop then went to Dunkin Donuts for the Coolata Freezer and some Munchkins…

Headbangers vs. LOD. I'm surprised the one Headbanger that got molested by Hair Plugg Holly was holding up emotionally well. Remember, there are trauma hotlines.. The Headbangers are sporting some stylin' witch patterned leg warmers.. which I believe enabled them to win the match against LOD. It didn't have anything to do with Hawk distracting Droz.. not at all. (You forgot to mention their little plastic WWF Title belts, which they most likely picked up at the souvenier stand just before the match... cute! ... B.C.) The Headbangers sport some pretty cool witch stockings!
Vinnie is visited by Mankind and Socko.. Socko pulls out a bag of candy from Mankind's pant's crotch area and hands it to Vince. I guess the candy is .. special now.
Undertaker enters the ring. He has formed his alliance with Paul Bearer again and ABANDONED his little bro, Kaney. OH, the humanity. With the Undertaker's new persona, he wears his Count Chocula cape with the BIG SPADE collar folded down.. mm.. To top it off, he has a new poofy hair-do as well. It's still the same length and style but boy, it's got a case of the frizzies. I reckon Kane keeps stock of de-frizzing hair products, like Humectress, and since UT is no longer big bro to Kane, he loses all his HAIR defrizzing priviledges. Considering Paul Bearer doesn't even have a dermatologist, I guess he wouldn't have styling products either. 'damn... Kane stole my conditioner...'
See Undertaker, this is what happens when you turn your back on your little Bro. Hmff. Split ends are bound to occur now… and I don't know if you can live with that. Then it wouldn't be long before your hair rebels and decides to make itself an afro (after the ends break off) and I don't know about you, but I wouldn't be able to live with that. I should know about the torments… I had Little Orphan Annie syndrome once when… (sniff) my mother … permed my hair.. OH the AGONY.. A-GOE-NEE.

Meanwhile, Undertaker does suffer the consequences of having frizzy poofy hair. About five strands of it kept blowing into his face while he was talking, meanwhile he's trying his best to be discreet and blow it out of his face. There's no way to be discreet about it.. may as well let it be, dead man.

And he makes a fumble while speaking, "We will unleash with our ministry of darkness a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen nor (this is where he has a brain fart: his mouth moves but nothing comes out of it.. good thing, since I bet he would have said something similar to 'ababah daba…') will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness." Relish?? How about ketchup, mustard or sauerkraut? P.S. Undertaker seems to have been taking 'Speak Like Yoda' classes.

Will it understood ever be those amongst who in the darkness do not relish… UUUURH! … Ah well, UT seems to have the Darth Vader cape already … but you are not a Jedi yet…

UT attempts again to blow the hair strands from his face while Bearer is yapping away. I find it truly amazing that he did this with a straight face.. I would have ran to the dressing room for some hair gel.. mousse.. some lard.

Bearer screams in the microphone (addressing to Kane), "ARE YOU JEW BOY?!!?" …………………. …….. huh?? Oh, Bostin Crab informs me that he said, "I USED YOU BOY!" hee.. sorry. Hey, well, Cain WAS Jewish, yah? So the camera closes in on Bearer's face and I'd like to ask the WWF.. WHY??? It's really frightening.. please stop. Bearer tells Kane, "You turned your back on me two times!" while he holds up two of his pudgy fingers that resemble two toes.. or two Vienna sausages.. I didn't need to see those close up either.

Meanwhile UT is having his life and death struggle with his disobedient hairs..

Bearer continues to rag on Kane, telling him he's like a puppy dog… mm, well, he is. I'd take him home if he followed me. Feed him some Milk Bones, scratch behind his ear, scratch under the belly until his leg shakes.. (whoops..sorry, I have a mind like a sieve..) But Ross will defend the underdog.. "He's your son for God's sake, you rotund demon!" Ross sometimes equals Jerry Lawler in the commentary department. Both of them together make a great team.

Finally UT won his battle with his frizzies and growls into the camera, "IIIIIII set that fire…"

Kane appears, rolling out a huge casket, which looked more like his toy chest, probably filled with his Barbie head collection. No.. Kane looks at the casket.. stares at it for a bit.. he's probably reading the engraving, 'MADE IN CHINA' (or the script is pasted on it). Kane begins to speak, using that little voice thingy.. but you could hear his actual speaking voice on occasion.. UT looked at him, thinking, "AW, look at you, you don't even know how to use that thing right …" I think the next time Kane speaks, he should start singing 'Kumbaya, mah Lord..'. It'd come out all monotone. 'Kumbaya my Lord... Kumbaya...'
Mankind and Vinnie are having quality time, eating chips, playing Twister and conversing. But of course Vinnie throws Mankind out of the room in agitation.. and we catch a glimpse of one of the tech crew in the mirror's reflection.. whoopsie.

Steve Blackman (the announcer said Blickman though.. I swear it's hard enough remembering who this guy is, the ANNOUNCER has to sabotage my memory) vs. Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichaels and her 50 somewhat facelifts. OOH. Someone mentioned that if Steve Blackman had someone else's head on his body, he would be a perfect man. That is an idea.. we have the technology. We have the parts to rebuild him.. OH sorry, that's Steve Austin. As Blackman is about to finish the match, he bellows, "THAT'S IT.." He should have said "I QUIT" then.. no one would miss him much I guess. OH sorry. BUT the Blue Blazer enters and the audience chants 'Nugget!' There's no fooling these bright scholars of tomorrow… or never…

Al Snow enters.. and gets hit by the flimsy Jarrett guitar. Snow lays on the mat, snickering, his shoulders shaking with laughter. What a silly guy. Head was distracted by Debra McMichael's saline... and subsequently, Al gets bashed...
Shades of 'Scream' is evident, as we see Vince in his dressing room.. and the phone rings. Horror movies are a good basis for skits. Does anyone remembers the movie, "When a Stranger Calls" or "When a Stranger Calls BACK"? Ya'll think they should have made the sequels, "When a Stranger Beeps You", "When a Stranger has Call Waiting..". What d'ya mean no one would fund those flicks?? Chucky's Bride was released in theatres.. hell.. I believe there's a market for everything. If there are fans of Bootie and the HoFish, then there's a market for anything.

A sign is spotted.. a blunder:


Yo.. that would say Cold Stone University, right?? I wouldn't say Stone is cold.. maybe frigid. OH (Just kidding, I'm sure Mr. Cold does just fine in the sack because he is after all, a handsome man..)

The people's Drenched Rock vs. Mark Henry. When the Rock gets thrown out of the ring, you can see this PUDDLE where he landed. Man.. I kinda worry about him. Dehydration is debilitating. Again we see the Rock using his jimmy legs.. all that movement stirs up his jimmy nipples as well. Here is our theory on the People's elbow. Considering it is probably one of the LONGEST executed moves, it must be a very potent and effective move. Now we are positive about the Rock's sweating problem, which means within his elbow pads, there's water yearning to be released. So when he flings off the elbow pad, he unleashes a stench of moisture and fungus comparable only to NY transit passengers' B.O. So this is why the People's elbow is a very effective move.. Unfortunately he probably suffers from Athlete's Elbow.

D'Lo and Mark Henry get to beat up the Rock after the match. As D'Lo is leaving the ring, he speaks to the cameramen to address the Rock. "Hey, ROCK..", D'Lo says. Yo dude, the Rock was in the ring. Why couldn't you express what was on your mind to the Rock himself and not the cameraman… are you mental?? People have problems with verbal confrontation, I tell ya. This is why wars are caused… through miscommunication and lack of hors d'oeuvres on the deli trays..

Tiger Ali Singh.. he's a mighty cross-eyed dude.. he's so cross eyed, I think his right eye is on the left side and vica versa. This segment was a bit annoying, as all Tiger Ali Singh's segments are. This time you have Howard Stern's Kielbasa Queen go into the ring to deepthroat a kielbasa. Seen it in the movie.. nothing new. The Godfather (formerly Papa Shango.. formerly Kama (or question mark.. or period… GET IT?? Hee? Alright..)) comes out, shows off his perturbing chest hair. Looks like it was tattooed on actually..

Mankind vs. Val Venis with Terri Nipples in tow. Oops. Mankind's thin scrawny ankles present a good challenge to Venis' infamous toothpick legs.. However Mankind is shaped like The Penguin.. Can Venis top that? Kenny comes into this match to interfere of course, he hits Mankind with the chair.. and then goes to the audience to have them yell at him. Now if we were in the audience, we'd play up the 'hate' scenario.. we'd yell at him, pointing at him with gnarled fingers and LOOK like we're cursing him out but we'd scream, "I LIKE YOU!!!! I THINK YOU'RE COOOL!! I WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND!!! NOW YELL AT ME!!!! SCREAM THOSE FUNNY WORDS!!"

Mankind and Kenny take their little tiff into the audience.. and eventually disappear from camera sight almost immediately … to run for the deli tray, I'm sure. Hey, these guys have to eat. New York magazine reported that a few wrestlers were having their ham dinners backstage. I can only assume that each wrestler had ONE whole ham EACH. Yo, they're big guys, they gotta pack the grub in.

Kane vs. Undertaker. UT must have stolen a bottle of defrizz from Kane's travel pack.. his hair was saturated. Someone from the audience throws a Big Gulp towards UT… missed by a mile though. How many times do I have to tell you guys, do NOT pelt wrestlers with items that may poke their eye out or leave a smear of sticky soda on them in which bees and little critters will follow them and love them. It's not very nice.

This match wasn't really up to par to their previous matches but it was still fun. Kane puts the choke on UT and UT retaliates by taking a full-on grab of BREAST. Watch those boobs.. they're not ready to be milked yet.

UT and Kane both end up fighting in the casket, and UT closes the lid. I think they just wanted to be alone.. have a moment, work things out, you know. Talk about where their relationship went wrong. But instead they try to break out of the casket.. and not doing a good job at it. UT attempts to FLING himself onto the casket to break it.. Kane kicks one of the boards in.. All this time I'm sure they were cursing the carpenter who made it so damn sturdy. Hmff.. Made in China my ass. OH! We're gonna play in the toy chest!  Hey! Where's my G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip?
Kane tries to go after Poppa.. he's walking towards the HUGE titantron.. and UT is coming behind him with a if Kane couldn't see the UT coming up behind him from the HUGE screen in front of him. I think it would have been better if UT tippie-toed behind Kane.. try to sneak up behind him.. or use his two fingers to make devil horns on Kane's head or something.. 'Oh! You forgot your chair Kane!'
Oh well.. Kane gets the chair.. and is splayed on the ramp. At this point, some psycho hose beast runs up to the ramp and drapes over Kane like a blanket.. Jim Ross screams, "Hey.. whut.. is… could it be….. no it can't be.. the Mad Phat Kane Chaser?? NO… it.. I… daaaah…"

Alright, that didn't happen… but it could! With a bottle of tequila and nothing else to lose..

Seems we've also caught a wet spot sighting.. but this time it was on Kane. On the left cheek.. a blob. His wet spot hasn't been able to take form yet.. he is after all the younger brother of UT.. and perhaps a little less experienced in the art of wet spottage.

Signage.. this is the good one:


I know exactly how you feel… Sometimes I just feel more like 'UUUUUUUUUUUGH' though with a little bit of 'hhhhhhhhcccchhhh'.

Finally Austin wheels Vinnie out for the final display.. the execution of Vinnie. He stuffs an envelope into Vinnie's pocket and says, "Where you're going when the devil reads that, HELL, that sum bitch gonna be pretty spii pii sp pissed off himself." Now we are entirely guilty of saying that Austin has been porking out lately around the lovehandles.. but this time he really Porky Pigged in his speech. Ah well.. it happens. Austin rarely flubs (he's not a Dean Malenko.. OH!) but you know when he does, we'll be RIGHT there to hear it, guffaw at it and comment on it. NO ONE IS SAFE!

The Vinnie Austin storyline was going a little long but still it was a hoot. 'BANG 3:16' topped it all off.. As long as they're having fun.. we shall too. Bang 3:16... sheesh... that's so cheesy... of course we thought it was hysterical.
This is Chokee (cough cough) SLAM!

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