By Chokee Slam
|October 19, 1998
Alright, the excessive amount of 3:16 signs are
pretty annoying but this one managed to pull a chuckle out from, at least, Bostin Crab:
(Hey, I have a goofy mom, and I
just know she'd do something like this... B.C.)
This was the Monday after Judgment Day, in which
Vinnie Mac fired Stevie Austin so Vinnie calls out all the wrestlers to the ring to
celebrate. Balloons and streamers fill the arena while the wrestlers are cascading down
the aisle and into the ring, wrestlers that we haven't seen in ages, wrestlers that we
don't even know and probably people pulled from the audience to PRETEND to be wrestlers.
Of course, the amazing thing was WHY didn't the ring collapse (I would have paid to see
THAT) and WHY did they not pounce on each other and start waging battle?? Instead we catch
sight of Scorpio about to cry (perhaps because his career is crumbling) and Bradshaw
looking as perplexed as we did, wondering who these wrestlers were. Perhaps Scorpio was
crying because Bradshaw didn't recognize him as a wrestler. OH SORRY.
Vinnie Mac wheels himself followed by his posse
(Patterson, Slaughter, etc.) and gloats about his riddance of Mr. Cold.
|And this is where we catch a glimpse of Hair Plugg
Holly (Spark Plugg Holly), who was standing behind one of the Headbangers, FONDLING the
Headbanger's ear. MMM.. I don't know.. but if any of you guys are showering with Hair
Plugg Holly, I beg you to NOT DROP THE SOAP!! The consequences could be emotionally
|As the camera pans through the
wrestlers in the ring, we catch sight of Steve Blackman looking entirely confused, staring
up at the lights as if he's thinking, "Hey God, are you there? It's me, Steve Black
" Aw, he must be experiencing his first menstruation. OH!
Signage spotted. Actually it was an illustration of Steve
Austin. It's great that people spend the time to draw their favorite WWF superstars,
however, being the finicky New York artsy fartsy critic, we noticed that Steve's head was
WAY too big, his eyes were doughy and Bambi-like yet somewhat bugged (this is pretty
amazing to draw that sort of contrast.. ) (Actually, I think he looked pretty worried,
perhaps because he was just fired... B.C.) and the shoulders were the same size as
his neck.. therefore he looked like he didn't even HAVE a body.. it was like his head was
on a stick. I think nightmares of Steve Austin's popsicle head will be forthcoming.
Anyways, the show was rearing off already, showing
Austin in his pick-up truck with his gun. He will get Vince
Kenny Shamrock vs. X-Pac who sports a lovely self
designed Towel Poncho. Perhaps curtain ponchos will be his next design. He can use the
curtain rod as well, lay it across his shoulders.. and start singing, 'Doe, a deer, a
female deer. Ray, a drop of golden sun. ME, a name I call myself
' Whoof, I'm really
embarrassed that I remember those lyrics.
We get a flashback of DX hanging out in Motley
Crue's bus. Jim Ross informs the audience of the Crue members, "There's Vince Neil,
" and when they close in on Mick Mars, Ross is silent. Hey, Mick Mars
has always been the member of Crue you'd RATHER forget. I think Ross should have
introduced them as, "Oh, there's the drunk driver, the wife beater
dinosaur.." OOH. Honestly, Motley Crue haven't really been creating anything
interesting since the 80's. So here's a few bands/ musicians that we think would be
equally as interesting that DX could have met:
Whitesnake, Poison, Warrant, Loverboy, Asia, Flock
and the Seagulls, White Lion, Cinderella, Stryper, Quiet Riot, Morbid Angel, Lita Ford,
Dexy's Midnight Runners, the Hooters, WASP, Slayer, Ricki Rachtman (ok, he's not really a
performer but this would be funny), Ted Nugent, A-HA..
Okay, while X-Pac is fighting Kenny, two (supposed)
police officers came in to arrest Chyna. These officers looked more like the arena
security guys, or security doormen.. neighborhood watch guys. Even with sidearms, they
looked too harmless.
|One point, Kenny slammed X-Pac and covered him for
the win, but X-pac kicked out of it.. to which his hands seemed pressed up towards the
ceiling. It was performance art, ladies and gentlemen, he was portraying a mime (in a
box). So after Kenny has alittle tete-a-tete with the audience, (the audience says,
"AAAAAAAAAAH!!" and Kenny replies, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH (to you too)!!!!",
Mankind enters to wave 'hello' to Kenny and distract him. At this point, I'm sure Kenny is
having an inner struggle to decide whether he should wave back, but X-Pac takes the
advantage and the win.. and runs after Chyna.. she gets taken away in the squad car..
and two plainsclothes cops walk
over to where Steve Austin is hanging and of course, instead of questioning him WHY he has
a mammoth firearm in his possession, they ask Austin for his autograph. This was cute.
What would have been cuter is if they said, "Thanks Mr. Goldberg, we're your biggest
Vinnie gets to watch this happen
however, in his dressing room. The cop with the K-9 abandons him after telling Vinnie,
"I didn't come here to endanger my life.." Most likely, the cop then went to
Dunkin Donuts for the Coolata Freezer and some Munchkins
|Headbangers vs. LOD. I'm surprised the one
Headbanger that got molested by Hair Plugg Holly was holding up emotionally well.
Remember, there are trauma hotlines.. The Headbangers are sporting some stylin' witch
patterned leg warmers.. which I believe enabled them to win the match against LOD. It
didn't have anything to do with Hawk distracting Droz.. not at all. (You forgot to
mention their little plastic WWF Title belts, which they most likely picked up at the
souvenier stand just before the match... cute! ... B.C.)
|Vinnie is visited by Mankind and
Socko.. Socko pulls out a bag of candy from Mankind's pant's crotch area and hands it to
Vince. I guess the candy is .. special now.
|Undertaker enters the ring. He has formed his
alliance with Paul Bearer again and ABANDONED his little bro, Kaney. OH, the humanity.
With the Undertaker's new persona, he wears his Count Chocula cape with the BIG SPADE
collar folded down.. mm.. To top it off, he has a new poofy hair-do as well. It's still
the same length and style but boy, it's got a case of the frizzies. I reckon Kane keeps
stock of de-frizzing hair products, like Humectress, and since UT is no longer big bro to
Kane, he loses all his HAIR defrizzing priviledges. Considering Paul Bearer doesn't even
have a dermatologist, I guess he wouldn't have styling products either.
|See Undertaker, this is what happens
when you turn your back on your little Bro. Hmff. Split ends are bound to occur now
and I don't know if you can live with that. Then it wouldn't be long before your hair
rebels and decides to make itself an afro (after the ends break off) and I don't know
about you, but I wouldn't be able to live with that. I should know about the
I had Little Orphan Annie syndrome once when
(sniff) my mother
permed my hair.. OH the AGONY.. A-GOE-NEE.
Undertaker does suffer the consequences of having frizzy poofy hair. About five strands of
it kept blowing into his face while he was talking, meanwhile he's trying his best to be
discreet and blow it out of his face. There's no way to be discreet about it.. may as well
let it be, dead man.
And he makes a fumble while speaking, "We will
unleash with our ministry of darkness a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation
has never seen nor (this is where he has a brain fart: his mouth moves but nothing comes
out of it.. good thing, since I bet he would have said something similar to 'ababah
') will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the
darkness." Relish?? How about ketchup, mustard or sauerkraut? P.S. Undertaker seems
to have been taking 'Speak Like Yoda' classes.
Will it understood ever be those amongst who in the
darkness do not relish
Ah well, UT seems to have the Darth Vader cape
but you are not a Jedi yet
UT attempts again to blow the hair strands from his
face while Bearer is yapping away. I find it truly amazing that he did this with a
straight face.. I would have ran to the dressing room for some hair gel.. mousse.. some
Bearer screams in the microphone (addressing to
Kane), "ARE YOU JEW BOY?!!?"
.. huh?? Oh, Bostin Crab informs me that he said, "I USED YOU BOY!"
hee.. sorry. Hey, well, Cain WAS Jewish, yah? So the camera closes in on Bearer's face and
I'd like to ask the WWF.. WHY??? It's really frightening.. please stop. Bearer tells Kane,
"You turned your back on me two times!" while he holds up two of his pudgy
fingers that resemble two toes.. or two Vienna sausages.. I didn't need to see those close
Meanwhile UT is having his life and death struggle
with his disobedient hairs..
Bearer continues to rag on Kane, telling him he's
like a puppy dog
mm, well, he is. I'd take him home if he followed me. Feed him some
Milk Bones, scratch behind his ear, scratch under the belly until his leg shakes..
(whoops..sorry, I have a mind like a sieve..) But Ross will defend the underdog..
"He's your son for God's sake, you rotund demon!" Ross sometimes equals Jerry
Lawler in the commentary department. Both of them together make a great team.
Finally UT won his battle with his frizzies and
growls into the camera, "IIIIIII set that fire
|Kane appears, rolling out a huge casket, which
looked more like his toy chest, probably filled with his Barbie head collection. No.. Kane
looks at the casket.. stares at it for a bit.. he's probably reading the engraving, 'MADE
IN CHINA' (or the script is pasted on it). Kane begins to speak, using that little voice
thingy.. but you could hear his actual speaking voice on occasion.. UT looked at him,
thinking, "AW, look at you, you don't even know how to use that thing right
" I think the next time Kane speaks, he should start singing 'Kumbaya, mah
Lord..'. It'd come out all monotone.
|Mankind and Vinnie are having quality
time, eating chips, playing Twister and conversing. But of course Vinnie throws Mankind
out of the room in agitation.. and we catch a glimpse of one of the tech crew in the
mirror's reflection.. whoopsie.
(the announcer said Blickman though.. I swear it's hard enough remembering who this guy
is, the ANNOUNCER has to sabotage my memory) vs. Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichaels and
her 50 somewhat facelifts. OOH. Someone mentioned that if Steve Blackman had someone
else's head on his body, he would be a perfect man. That is an idea.. we have the
technology. We have the parts to rebuild him.. OH sorry, that's Steve Austin. As Blackman
is about to finish the match, he bellows, "THAT'S IT.." He should have said
"I QUIT" then.. no one would miss him much I guess. OH sorry. BUT the Blue
Blazer enters and the audience chants 'Nugget!' There's no fooling these bright scholars
|Al Snow enters.. and gets hit by the flimsy Jarrett
guitar. Snow lays on the mat, snickering, his shoulders shaking with laughter. What a
|Shades of 'Scream' is evident, as we
see Vince in his dressing room.. and the phone rings. Horror movies are a good basis for
skits. Does anyone remembers the movie, "When a Stranger Calls" or "When a
Stranger Calls BACK"? Ya'll think they should have made the sequels, "When a
Stranger Beeps You", "When a Stranger has Call Waiting..". What d'ya mean
no one would fund those flicks?? Chucky's Bride was released in theatres.. hell.. I
believe there's a market for everything. If there are fans of Bootie and the HoFish, then
there's a market for anything.
A sign is
spotted.. a blunder:
Yo.. that would say Cold Stone
University, right?? I wouldn't say Stone is cold.. maybe frigid. OH (Just kidding, I'm
sure Mr. Cold does just fine in the sack because he is after all, a handsome man..)
The people's Drenched Rock vs. Mark Henry. When the
Rock gets thrown out of the ring, you can see this PUDDLE where he landed. Man.. I kinda
worry about him. Dehydration is debilitating. Again we see the Rock using his jimmy legs..
all that movement stirs up his jimmy nipples as well. Here is our theory on the People's
elbow. Considering it is probably one of the LONGEST executed moves, it must be a very
potent and effective move. Now we are positive about the Rock's sweating problem, which
means within his elbow pads, there's water yearning to be released. So when he flings off
the elbow pad, he unleashes a stench of moisture and fungus comparable only to NY transit
passengers' B.O. So this is why the People's elbow is a very effective move..
Unfortunately he probably suffers from Athlete's Elbow.
D'Lo and Mark Henry get to beat up the Rock after
the match. As D'Lo is leaving the ring, he speaks to the cameramen to address the Rock.
"Hey, ROCK..", D'Lo says. Yo dude, the Rock was in the ring. Why couldn't you
express what was on your mind to the Rock himself and not the cameraman
mental?? People have problems with verbal confrontation, I tell ya. This is why wars are
through miscommunication and lack of hors d'oeuvres on the deli trays..
Tiger Ali Singh.. he's a mighty cross-eyed dude..
he's so cross eyed, I think his right eye is on the left side and vica versa. This segment
was a bit annoying, as all Tiger Ali Singh's segments are. This time you have Howard
Stern's Kielbasa Queen go into the ring to deepthroat a kielbasa. Seen it in the movie..
nothing new. The Godfather (formerly Papa Shango.. formerly Kama (or question mark.. or
GET IT?? Hee? Alright..)) comes out, shows off his perturbing chest hair.
Looks like it was tattooed on actually..
Mankind vs. Val Venis with Terri Nipples in tow.
Oops. Mankind's thin scrawny ankles present a good challenge to Venis' infamous toothpick
legs.. However Mankind is shaped like The Penguin.. Can Venis top that? Kenny comes into
this match to interfere of course, he hits Mankind with the chair.. and then goes to the
audience to have them yell at him. Now if we were in the audience, we'd play up the 'hate'
scenario.. we'd yell at him, pointing at him with gnarled fingers and LOOK like we're
cursing him out but we'd scream, "I LIKE YOU!!!! I THINK YOU'RE COOOL!! I WANNA BE
YOUR FRIEND!!! NOW YELL AT ME!!!! SCREAM THOSE FUNNY WORDS!!"
Mankind and Kenny take their little tiff into the
audience.. and eventually disappear from camera sight almost immediately
to run for
the deli tray, I'm sure. Hey, these guys have to eat. New York magazine reported that a
few wrestlers were having their ham dinners backstage. I can only assume that each
wrestler had ONE whole ham EACH. Yo, they're big guys, they gotta pack the grub in.
Kane vs. Undertaker. UT must have stolen a bottle of
defrizz from Kane's travel pack.. his hair was saturated. Someone from the audience throws
a Big Gulp towards UT
missed by a mile though. How many times do I have to tell you
guys, do NOT pelt wrestlers with items that may poke their eye out or leave a smear of
sticky soda on them in which bees and little critters will follow them and love them. It's
not very nice.
This match wasn't really up to par to their previous
matches but it was still fun. Kane puts the choke on UT and UT retaliates by taking a
full-on grab of BREAST. Watch those boobs.. they're not ready to be milked yet.
|UT and Kane both end up fighting in the casket, and
UT closes the lid. I think they just wanted to be alone.. have a moment, work things out,
you know. Talk about where their relationship went wrong. But instead they try to break
out of the casket.. and not doing a good job at it. UT attempts to FLING himself onto the
casket to break it.. Kane kicks one of the boards in.. All this time I'm sure they were
cursing the carpenter who made it so damn sturdy. Hmff.. Made in China my ass.
|Kane tries to go after Poppa.. he's walking towards
the HUGE titantron.. and UT is coming behind him with a chair..as if Kane couldn't see the
UT coming up behind him from the HUGE screen in front of him. I think it would have been
better if UT tippie-toed behind Kane.. try to sneak up behind him.. or use his two fingers
to make devil horns on Kane's head or something..
|Oh well.. Kane gets the chair.. and is
splayed on the ramp. At this point, some psycho hose beast runs up to the ramp and drapes
over Kane like a blanket.. Jim Ross screams, "Hey.. whut.. is
.. no it can't be.. the Mad Phat Kane Chaser?? NO
Alright, that didn't
but it could! With a bottle of tequila and nothing else to lose..
Seems we've also caught a wet spot sighting.. but
this time it was on Kane. On the left cheek.. a blob. His wet spot hasn't been able to
take form yet.. he is after all the younger brother of UT.. and perhaps a little less
experienced in the art of wet spottage.
Signage.. this is the good one:
I know exactly how you feel
Sometimes I just feel more like 'UUUUUUUUUUUGH' though with a little bit of
Finally Austin wheels Vinnie out for the final
display.. the execution of Vinnie. He stuffs an envelope into Vinnie's pocket and says,
"Where you're going when the devil reads that, HELL, that sum bitch gonna be pretty
spii pii sp pissed off himself." Now we are entirely guilty of saying that Austin has
been porking out lately around the lovehandles.. but this time he really Porky Pigged in
his speech. Ah well.. it happens. Austin rarely flubs (he's not a Dean Malenko.. OH!) but
you know when he does, we'll be RIGHT there to hear it, guffaw at it and comment on it. NO
ONE IS SAFE!
|The Vinnie Austin storyline was going a little long
but still it was a hoot. 'BANG 3:16' topped it all off.. As long as they're having fun..
we shall too.
|This is Chokee (cough cough) SLAM!