 |
By Chokee Slam
| October 26, 1998 Madison, Wisconsin (WHOO HOO PACKERS!!) |
| Steve Austin enters backstage, smirking, obviously
thinking about the lines he has to recite from the script and thinking, 'God, this
wrestling genre has gotten way out of hand..' Yes, it's full blown, out of control…
silliness. But I believe there are lessons to be learned.. about values, morality, inner
strength, about making sure you don't spill your beer when you're guzzling it. |
 |
| Anyways, when I walk around with a
smirk on my face (because I was thinking about the last wrassler who flubbed, or about the
time B.C. took a tumble and met the floor), (HEY! ... B.C.) New Yawkers look at
me and just know another one of its own has slipped into dementia. By the way, the signs of dementia are 1. Loss of memory.. and
…. Uh, I can't remember the other thing. OH.. having a tendency to repeat the same
story two or more times.
And by the way, the signs of dementia are the
following: 1. Loss of memory and …. Uh.. I can't remember the other thing. Oh yes..
having a tendency to repeat the same story two or more times.
Vinnie Mac enters with his posse. Big Boss Man is
with them wearing the serial killer ski mask, big dark sunglasses (I'm surprised he hasn't
walked OFF the ramp since it's hard to see indoors with sunglasses), and is basically
clothed from head to toe. For all we know, it may not be the Ray Traylor.. it could be any
other person/ actor taking over his shift. Does the Boss dude still have obligations to
fulfill in the other league?? (You're talking about ECW, aren't you?... B.C.)
And another important question. Boss Man wears a mammoth army/ cargo vest with about a
thousand pockets. What's in there?? His weight loss products?? A few cans of Slim Fast,
Met-RX, some Balance bars, and a few diet cheats (fried chicken, corn nuts, a side of
beef…).
Now let's just get serious. Vinnie chastises the
audience for making him lose faith in humanity. And then he badgers his Stooges crew as to
their whereabouts when Austin humiliated him last week. This is a serious issue.. Austin
appears on the Titantron to answer him but I don't quite know what he said. Austin pulled
another Porky Pig and said, 'bahbla bahbli bah… pissin' in your pants..'
Switch to the photo stills of the upcoming match,
which will be X-Pac vs. Steve Blackman (okay, he's wrestled enough times so I'll
acknowledge that he is.. a somebody). Now notice that in the picture of Steve Blackman,
his chest is hairy (major forest in the cleavage area) and he's holding his hands up as if
he's making sure his nails are dry..
But as Blackman walks to the ring, his chest hair is
mowed clean. I wonder if he Naired, shaved, waxed, or used that new Norelco shaver that
spits jiz out while you shave (it's supposed to be lotion but..I'm still frightened of
it.) The match commences. Blackman had X-pac in the corner buckle and brought his hoof up
to X-Pac's face, right UP to his face. Perhaps asking him if there's any gum stuck to the
bottom of his boot. Or making sure he didn't get cheated out of genuine Lugz soles when he
asked the WWF for them. |
| X-Pac gets tossed out of the ring and Steve Regal
runs in to pound on him a little. Then enter NAO to assist their little friend and this
resulted in a huge mess but poor Blackman was standing in the ring, utterly confused. I
think he heard the voice of God again.. no.. I think he was just peeved that he Nair'd for
the match and it wasn't appreciated. He just never gets a break. (He was asking:
"If I don't actually get pinned, does that still make me a jobber?" ... B.C.) |
 |
| Droz with LOD enters to face off
against the Rock. Signage:
BEER
IS
GOOD |
PEOPLE'S
E BOW |
Obviously it was supposed to say
'ELBOW' but in place of the 'L', someone attempted to illustrate an elbow, I reckon. I
wouldn't know, I couldn't see it and the camera didn't pick it up either. So that was a
waste of a catch phrase that has been used entirely too much. I commend thee for your
mistake.. and yes.. beer can be good.. only after you've had about twenty bottles of it
and you can't taste it anymore.
Droz's make-up is … uh.. not too good. It's
drawn in to look like he has one fat continuous eyebrow. And again, we seem to gravitate
towards looking at wrestlers feet (after we had discovered Dan Severn's size 4 feet) and
we must report that Droz has BOATS.. practically kayak sized feet. (Das BOOT!!…
B.C.) They should have brought him along on the Titanic.
So Droz loses to the most over-estimated finishing
move, The People's E Bow, and Hawk attempts to comfort Droz but instead is brushed off and
Droz walks off with Animal. OOOh Hawk, you gonna take that?? Droz walks off with your
man?? |
| Flashes of Vince Neil. I really don't need to see
that. I thought the footage switched to letterbox but no.. it's just Vince who has gotten
a bit wide over the years. This leads to Motley Crue's performance. They're joined on
'stage' (actually the top of the ramp) by New Age Outlaws and X-Pac, who are manically
headbanging. |
 |
| You know guys, when I went to a
Ministry show some time ago, I headbanged so hard that the snot flew out of my nose and my
shirt almost came off. Now THAT'S the correct way to do it!! Believe me, it doesn't feel
like a rockin' show unless bodily fluids fling out of one of your orifices and you require
a brace to hold your head up the next morning. (Al knows how to do it (I got
proof)... B.C.) Other unnerving sights included Vince Neil flouncing across
the 'stage' (yes, flouncing..), Bad Ass Billy Goat doing his jello-like dancing, Road Dog
about to fling his head right off the socket, and X-Pac actually knowing the lyrics to the
Crue song. Geez, they should have at least played 'Live Wire'. Otherwise get off the stage
and let Journey take over.
Sorry.
But what would have made the night is if Kane came
out and sang back-up. He could bogart the mic from Vince after having mushed him in the
face with his huge palm, then use that little voice thingy and sing (monotone, of course)
'shout.. shout… shout at the devil..' Then Undertaker could come out, pick Tommy Lee
off the drum kit like a fly, flick him off and join in as well. Music can sooth the savage
beast and I reckon it might bring estranged family members together as well. But this is
just my suggestion..
Jim Ross quotes, 'here comes the out of control Big
Red Machine..' (not during Crue's set though..). Kane walks out, past the instruments and
I swear, there was a slight pause in his step as I'm sure he wanted to take the guitar and
break into a 'Stairway to Heaven' riff. BUT.. he had an important match to attend. Kane
must have taken some pointers from Rock because he was DRENCHED. Or is it a drooling
problem?? I'd say that was more than just drool.. it would have included snot from a bad
cold, tears of laughter, pain and sorrow… and a dive into a Slip and Slide mat and
just lieing underneath the Rock as his internal sprinkler system goes off. (remember
y'all.. the Rock sweats like a bastard..)
Kane vs. Gangrel (with the OLDER, more ragged, beat
up Christian in tow. This Christian is just not the same as the original one that appeared
about a month ago). Gangrel and Christian used to enter the ring wearing the same white
night shirt. Now they've decided to have one wear black and the other white.
Unfortunately, they look like the Transylvanian Spy vs. Spy. Kane dominates the match
against Mr. Bloated Night Shirt. |
| Gangrel, being the stoop, tries to rake Kane's
eyes… HEY DUDE, he's got a mask on!!! In return, Kane picks Gangrel up by the face. I
reckon Kane was trying to mold Gangrel's big face to better fit his small features. See..
isn't Kane a nice guy. I think he's just highly misunderstood. Picking up Gangrel by the
face didn't help his SFOABFS (Small Features on a Big Face Syndrome) any.. but he tried
again. Kane took his big hand and mushed his opponent's face.. but only managed to spread
Gangrel across the ring like peanut butter. Kane doesn't know his own power. |
 |
| Kane wins. Then Gangrel and Christian
attempt to mug him (hey, Kane's outfit is so tight fitting, I think you'd KNOW where he
keeps his wallet). Gangrel kicked Kane in the butt (heeey, be careful with that),
Christian flung himself off the top rope only to hit the brick wall which is Kane, and
embarrassingly plopped to the mat and then EDGE comes in. Just when they thought they had
Kane beat, he sat right up and the three 'vampires' (??) took themselves as far as their
bony ankles could carry them.. into the audience. Zoom in shot of Kane looking at them,
thinking, 'Heeey, I thought we were playing… you guys… geez, no one wants to
play with me…' and he walked backstage to the only reliable consolation: the deli
tray. Austin enters the ring.. and we spot
signage:
Vinnie the Queef enters with .. the
Big Boss Man (or is it??). This is the segment where Shane MacMahon had given Austin a new
contract and he tells his poppa, in an Oscar moment, that 'I was never good enough for
you!!' At this point, he should have blubbered, '…and I never learned to READ!!!'
That would definitely have gotten him the Oscar.. or at least the MTV movie award.. Then
Shane screams, 'It's ALWAYS been about Jew!!' Our ears deceive us more and more each show.
(Is he talking about Goldberg?? Or Barry Horowitz??… B.C.)
Vince's neck isn't all red and bloated anymore, not
at this segment at least, BUT his nose was. Must be nipping at that cooking sherry again.
The funniest moment was when Pat Patterson tries to
console Vinnie Mac by cupping his head to his chest..
So we see Shane heading for the EXIT.. but Austin
yells, 'hey KID!' and throws him a beer. If Austin was tossing any of us the beer, it
would have hit us on the head.. and our body would collapse onto the EXIT door handle..
and that's how we would leave the stadium… in a mangled, unconscious heap.
Tiger Ali Singh vs. the Godfather. This is where we
were playing with Bostin Crab & Frank N. Steiner's cute dalmatian, Biggles. Yes, the
match was just so exciting.
ICP with the Oddities vs. Kaientai. Perhaps ICP
should wrestle Motley Crue. Nah.. Tommy Lee only hits women and Vince Neil will only hit
the bottle. (OOOH)
Switch over to an interview with Kenny Shamrock
sporting his patent pending glove bra… and he's got a cold sore on his upper lip
there. Mm.. what has he been doing?? He and Austin are supposed to get into a 'I quit'
match.. and during this interview, one of Kenny's eyes looked into the camera and the
other was looking elsewhere (OOOOH I AM SOOOO SORRY!!!) (Really, it's not as bad as I make
it out to be, I'm just such a horrible, horrible person.. please forgive me) and he said,
'Listen to me, Austin, I QUIT'. Uh… I think you just blew the match before it even
started there, Kenny. Of course you meant that those were the words to come out of
Austin's mouth but heck, Vinnie Mac likes you (and so do I, REALLY!!!)… |
| Marc Mero vs. Goldust (in his ostrich robe).
Goldust has a pretty good wrestling move. As Mero is coming towards him, Goldust throws
his ASS to knock Mero down. See, not only would you PHYSICALLY take a man down with your
butt, BUT(T) depending on your flatulence, you can basically gas him to submission. I
think Goldust has something there. You better hone your skills there… really make it
work. |
 |
| Interview with Al Snow and Mankind. Mankind has one
word for NAO .. 'SOCKO'. Al says, 'HEAD'. These two guys are sort of like all the people
I've known in my life.. demented and funny. You know the signs of dementia, right?? But
seriously, I'd really like to see these two together more often as their characters are
pretty similar.. they don't need us to comment on them, they basically do it on their own.
Saves me some space on my reports. |
 |
| But what would top things off would be
to add Kane to your klique, after all, he's got nobody right now. And Al, you used to
wrestle with Glen, aye?? I think wrestlers who have worked with each other most frequently
put on the better matches.. NAO vs. Mankind
and Snow.Bad Ass Billy Goat picked Al up over head to body slam him but before doing so,
he did a little pansy tippie-toe two step.. mm, that's kind of a questionable move. I
would have preferred a fox trot.
And Road Dogg had 'DOOO' written on the seat of his
pants again. They should alter that to say, 'DOOO comes out of here…'
Meanwhile poor Mankind is trying to imitate the Road
Dooo's dance moves but manages to only perform the Chicken (he flaps his arms basically).
I was waiting for him to squawk… So Al and Mankind lose the match because they're too
busy arguing on who gets the pin or submission. Eventually Mankind kidnaps Head and Al
threatens to tear Socko ..but they eventually give each other their rightful possessions
and Jim Ross states, "All is right with the world."
But all is not right yet.. Shamrock vs. Austin. Ross
says, "Shamrock is like a rabid pitbulldog." Mm, I'd have to disagree with you
there, Jim, I haven't seen Kenny frothing at the mouth yet.. This match ends with
everyone, from Brisco to Mankind to the Mandible Sock, interfering,.. Kenny gets whacked
by the chair again, Austin looked like he actually hurt his nose (he kept holding it..)
(better be careful, if it gets swollen, there'll be no way of distinguishing between you
and Goldberg!)..
And Austin wins the match because Kenny is taking a
little nappy...
Until next time.. I hope no wrestler mentioned in
this and any other report decide to hunt me down and hurt me.
Chokee Slam |
|
|
|
