By Chokee Slam
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October 26, 1998

Madison, Wisconsin (WHOO HOO PACKERS!!)

Steve Austin enters backstage, smirking, obviously thinking about the lines he has to recite from the script and thinking, 'God, this wrestling genre has gotten way out of hand..' Yes, it's full blown, out of control… silliness. But I believe there are lessons to be learned.. about values, morality, inner strength, about making sure you don't spill your beer when you're guzzling it. I'm gonna go hunt me a prairie dog...
Anyways, when I walk around with a smirk on my face (because I was thinking about the last wrassler who flubbed, or about the time B.C. took a tumble and met the floor), (HEY! ... B.C.) New Yawkers look at me and just know another one of its own has slipped into dementia.

By the way, the signs of dementia are 1. Loss of memory.. and …. Uh, I can't remember the other thing. OH.. having a tendency to repeat the same story two or more times.

And by the way, the signs of dementia are the following: 1. Loss of memory and …. Uh.. I can't remember the other thing. Oh yes.. having a tendency to repeat the same story two or more times.

Vinnie Mac enters with his posse. Big Boss Man is with them wearing the serial killer ski mask, big dark sunglasses (I'm surprised he hasn't walked OFF the ramp since it's hard to see indoors with sunglasses), and is basically clothed from head to toe. For all we know, it may not be the Ray Traylor.. it could be any other person/ actor taking over his shift. Does the Boss dude still have obligations to fulfill in the other league?? (You're talking about ECW, aren't you?... B.C.) And another important question. Boss Man wears a mammoth army/ cargo vest with about a thousand pockets. What's in there?? His weight loss products?? A few cans of Slim Fast, Met-RX, some Balance bars, and a few diet cheats (fried chicken, corn nuts, a side of beef…).

Now let's just get serious. Vinnie chastises the audience for making him lose faith in humanity. And then he badgers his Stooges crew as to their whereabouts when Austin humiliated him last week. This is a serious issue.. Austin appears on the Titantron to answer him but I don't quite know what he said. Austin pulled another Porky Pig and said, 'bahbla bahbli bah… pissin' in your pants..'

Switch to the photo stills of the upcoming match, which will be X-Pac vs. Steve Blackman (okay, he's wrestled enough times so I'll acknowledge that he is.. a somebody). Now notice that in the picture of Steve Blackman, his chest is hairy (major forest in the cleavage area) and he's holding his hands up as if he's making sure his nails are dry..

But as Blackman walks to the ring, his chest hair is mowed clean. I wonder if he Naired, shaved, waxed, or used that new Norelco shaver that spits jiz out while you shave (it's supposed to be lotion but..I'm still frightened of it.) The match commences. Blackman had X-pac in the corner buckle and brought his hoof up to X-Pac's face, right UP to his face. Perhaps asking him if there's any gum stuck to the bottom of his boot. Or making sure he didn't get cheated out of genuine Lugz soles when he asked the WWF for them.

X-Pac gets tossed out of the ring and Steve Regal runs in to pound on him a little. Then enter NAO to assist their little friend and this resulted in a huge mess but poor Blackman was standing in the ring, utterly confused. I think he heard the voice of God again.. no.. I think he was just peeved that he Nair'd for the match and it wasn't appreciated. He just never gets a break. (He was asking: "If I don't actually get pinned, does that still make me a jobber?" ... B.C.) Is that you God? It's me, Steve Blackman.
Droz with LOD enters to face off against the Rock.






Obviously it was supposed to say 'ELBOW' but in place of the 'L', someone attempted to illustrate an elbow, I reckon. I wouldn't know, I couldn't see it and the camera didn't pick it up either. So that was a waste of a catch phrase that has been used entirely too much. I commend thee for your mistake.. and yes.. beer can be good.. only after you've had about twenty bottles of it and you can't taste it anymore.

Droz's make-up is … uh.. not too good. It's drawn in to look like he has one fat continuous eyebrow. And again, we seem to gravitate towards looking at wrestlers feet (after we had discovered Dan Severn's size 4 feet) and we must report that Droz has BOATS.. practically kayak sized feet. (Das BOOT!!… B.C.) They should have brought him along on the Titanic.

So Droz loses to the most over-estimated finishing move, The People's E Bow, and Hawk attempts to comfort Droz but instead is brushed off and Droz walks off with Animal. OOOh Hawk, you gonna take that?? Droz walks off with your man??

Flashes of Vince Neil. I really don't need to see that. I thought the footage switched to letterbox but no.. it's just Vince who has gotten a bit wide over the years. This leads to Motley Crue's performance. They're joined on 'stage' (actually the top of the ramp) by New Age Outlaws and X-Pac, who are manically headbanging. Y'all suppose that shirt says 'FECKER'?
You know guys, when I went to a Ministry show some time ago, I headbanged so hard that the snot flew out of my nose and my shirt almost came off. Now THAT'S the correct way to do it!! Believe me, it doesn't feel like a rockin' show unless bodily fluids fling out of one of your orifices and you require a brace to hold your head up the next morning. (Al knows how to do it (I got proof)... B.C.)

Other unnerving sights included Vince Neil flouncing across the 'stage' (yes, flouncing..), Bad Ass Billy Goat doing his jello-like dancing, Road Dog about to fling his head right off the socket, and X-Pac actually knowing the lyrics to the Crue song. Geez, they should have at least played 'Live Wire'. Otherwise get off the stage and let Journey take over.


But what would have made the night is if Kane came out and sang back-up. He could bogart the mic from Vince after having mushed him in the face with his huge palm, then use that little voice thingy and sing (monotone, of course) 'shout.. shout… shout at the devil..' Then Undertaker could come out, pick Tommy Lee off the drum kit like a fly, flick him off and join in as well. Music can sooth the savage beast and I reckon it might bring estranged family members together as well. But this is just my suggestion..

Jim Ross quotes, 'here comes the out of control Big Red Machine..' (not during Crue's set though..). Kane walks out, past the instruments and I swear, there was a slight pause in his step as I'm sure he wanted to take the guitar and break into a 'Stairway to Heaven' riff. BUT.. he had an important match to attend. Kane must have taken some pointers from Rock because he was DRENCHED. Or is it a drooling problem?? I'd say that was more than just drool.. it would have included snot from a bad cold, tears of laughter, pain and sorrow… and a dive into a Slip and Slide mat and just lieing underneath the Rock as his internal sprinkler system goes off. (remember y'all.. the Rock sweats like a bastard..)

Kane vs. Gangrel (with the OLDER, more ragged, beat up Christian in tow. This Christian is just not the same as the original one that appeared about a month ago). Gangrel and Christian used to enter the ring wearing the same white night shirt. Now they've decided to have one wear black and the other white. Unfortunately, they look like the Transylvanian Spy vs. Spy. Kane dominates the match against Mr. Bloated Night Shirt.

Gangrel, being the stoop, tries to rake Kane's eyes… HEY DUDE, he's got a mask on!!! In return, Kane picks Gangrel up by the face. I reckon Kane was trying to mold Gangrel's big face to better fit his small features. See.. isn't Kane a nice guy. I think he's just highly misunderstood. Picking up Gangrel by the face didn't help his SFOABFS (Small Features on a Big Face Syndrome) any.. but he tried again. Kane took his big hand and mushed his opponent's face.. but only managed to spread Gangrel across the ring like peanut butter. Kane doesn't know his own power. Here, let me help you with that...
Kane wins. Then Gangrel and Christian attempt to mug him (hey, Kane's outfit is so tight fitting, I think you'd KNOW where he keeps his wallet). Gangrel kicked Kane in the butt (heeey, be careful with that), Christian flung himself off the top rope only to hit the brick wall which is Kane, and embarrassingly plopped to the mat and then EDGE comes in. Just when they thought they had Kane beat, he sat right up and the three 'vampires' (??) took themselves as far as their bony ankles could carry them.. into the audience. Zoom in shot of Kane looking at them, thinking, 'Heeey, I thought we were playing… you guys… geez, no one wants to play with me…' and he walked backstage to the only reliable consolation: the deli tray.

Austin enters the ring.. and we spot signage:



Vinnie the Queef enters with .. the Big Boss Man (or is it??). This is the segment where Shane MacMahon had given Austin a new contract and he tells his poppa, in an Oscar moment, that 'I was never good enough for you!!' At this point, he should have blubbered, '…and I never learned to READ!!!' That would definitely have gotten him the Oscar.. or at least the MTV movie award.. Then Shane screams, 'It's ALWAYS been about Jew!!' Our ears deceive us more and more each show. (Is he talking about Goldberg?? Or Barry Horowitz??… B.C.)

Vince's neck isn't all red and bloated anymore, not at this segment at least, BUT his nose was. Must be nipping at that cooking sherry again.

The funniest moment was when Pat Patterson tries to console Vinnie Mac by cupping his head to his chest..

So we see Shane heading for the EXIT.. but Austin yells, 'hey KID!' and throws him a beer. If Austin was tossing any of us the beer, it would have hit us on the head.. and our body would collapse onto the EXIT door handle.. and that's how we would leave the stadium… in a mangled, unconscious heap.

Tiger Ali Singh vs. the Godfather. This is where we were playing with Bostin Crab & Frank N. Steiner's cute dalmatian, Biggles. Yes, the match was just so exciting.

ICP with the Oddities vs. Kaientai. Perhaps ICP should wrestle Motley Crue. Nah.. Tommy Lee only hits women and Vince Neil will only hit the bottle. (OOOH)

Switch over to an interview with Kenny Shamrock sporting his patent pending glove bra… and he's got a cold sore on his upper lip there. Mm.. what has he been doing?? He and Austin are supposed to get into a 'I quit' match.. and during this interview, one of Kenny's eyes looked into the camera and the other was looking elsewhere (OOOOH I AM SOOOO SORRY!!!) (Really, it's not as bad as I make it out to be, I'm just such a horrible, horrible person.. please forgive me) and he said, 'Listen to me, Austin, I QUIT'. Uh… I think you just blew the match before it even started there, Kenny. Of course you meant that those were the words to come out of Austin's mouth but heck, Vinnie Mac likes you (and so do I, REALLY!!!)…

Marc Mero vs. Goldust (in his ostrich robe). Goldust has a pretty good wrestling move. As Mero is coming towards him, Goldust throws his ASS to knock Mero down. See, not only would you PHYSICALLY take a man down with your butt, BUT(T) depending on your flatulence, you can basically gas him to submission. I think Goldust has something there. You better hone your skills there… really make it work. A rare photo of the Goldust Ostrich displaying in its natural habitat.
Interview with Al Snow and Mankind. Mankind has one word for NAO .. 'SOCKO'. Al says, 'HEAD'. These two guys are sort of like all the people I've known in my life.. demented and funny. You know the signs of dementia, right?? But seriously, I'd really like to see these two together more often as their characters are pretty similar.. they don't need us to comment on them, they basically do it on their own. Saves me some space on my reports. I think Michael Cole is confused... Al and Mick are fine though...
But what would top things off would be to add Kane to your klique, after all, he's got nobody right now. And Al, you used to wrestle with Glen, aye?? I think wrestlers who have worked with each other most frequently put on the better matches..

NAO vs. Mankind and Snow.Bad Ass Billy Goat picked Al up over head to body slam him but before doing so, he did a little pansy tippie-toe two step.. mm, that's kind of a questionable move. I would have preferred a fox trot.

And Road Dogg had 'DOOO' written on the seat of his pants again. They should alter that to say, 'DOOO comes out of here…'

Meanwhile poor Mankind is trying to imitate the Road Dooo's dance moves but manages to only perform the Chicken (he flaps his arms basically). I was waiting for him to squawk… So Al and Mankind lose the match because they're too busy arguing on who gets the pin or submission. Eventually Mankind kidnaps Head and Al threatens to tear Socko ..but they eventually give each other their rightful possessions and Jim Ross states, "All is right with the world."

But all is not right yet.. Shamrock vs. Austin. Ross says, "Shamrock is like a rabid pitbulldog." Mm, I'd have to disagree with you there, Jim, I haven't seen Kenny frothing at the mouth yet.. This match ends with everyone, from Brisco to Mankind to the Mandible Sock, interfering,.. Kenny gets whacked by the chair again, Austin looked like he actually hurt his nose (he kept holding it..) (better be careful, if it gets swollen, there'll be no way of distinguishing between you and Goldberg!)..

And Austin wins the match because Kenny is taking a little nappy...

Until next time.. I hope no wrestler mentioned in this and any other report decide to hunt me down and hurt me.

Chokee Slam

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