By Chokee Slam
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November 2, 1998

Shane McMahon enters the arena to a mass of cheers (perhaps they were kinda piped in through the speakers), giving a fist thump to his boob and then extending it out to the audience. Mm, a nazi-like gesture but I'm sure he meant it as a sign of unity between himself and the WWF audience. Nah, he meant to gesture, 'Look at my BOOB!' He introduces Steve Austin to the ring and I notice that Stevie is without his fanny pack (where I assume he's carrying his beer). Must have drank all the Steveweisers backstage. If he was a raging alcoholic, he may need to resort to a backpack instead.

Vinnie Mac's limo enters the arena lot and his klingon, Big Boss Man is with him (and without ski mask and sunglasses so we're positive that it is Ray Traylor).

We spot a sign:


OH boy that took much thought and originality. MY the creativity is just GUSHING.. like a geyser.

Vinnie wheels himself in and the camera takes a good shot of Stevie's expression and his hairy earlobes. I don't believe that Steve is THAT old where you start losing hair where you want it and growing hair where you don't want it. We already know that he had a receding hairline (and the bald look suits him perfectly for he is a handsome man) but will the days when hair starts creeping out of his ears be forthcoming?? Steve, I think we'll all still like you if you look like Art Garfunkel. Just stop telling Vince that he's got 20,000 people calling him an asshole. You've done that three weeks straight and it's alittle tiring.

Vinnie had a big announcement to make and all week prior to Raw, the idea of Vince retiring had been milling around. But Vinnie states, 'You would just love it if I retired, if I retired, you would just love that wouldn't you, wouldn't you, if I retired, you'd just love it..' Mm, I don't know but are you trying to say that if you retired, they would just love it?? Anyways, WE don't want you to retire because we know what you've created in the world of professional wrestling and only you have been able to make superstars out of wrestlers. Now, can I have a job??

But back to the storyline. Vinnie states he will NOT step down from the organization and the day he steps down 'is the day I diiiiiiiie!!!'. He really revved up a good phlegm ball for that 'diiiiiiie' statement. A definite globby green one. Meanwhile the audience had been cheering since Shane's entrance to Vinnie's 'diiiiiiiie' statement.. they'll cheer for anything I believe. Vinnie said he would see the audience 'IN HELL', and the audience cheered, "YEEEEAH!! HELL!!!!!!" If someone was petitioning to ban speedos, the audience would yell, 'YEEEEAH!! BAN SPEEDOS!!!' If someone was talking about world hunger, the audience would chime in, 'YEEEEEAH!! WORLD HUNGER!!!!'

Vinnie gives everyone the news that at the Survivor Series, the opening match will be the Big Boss Man vs. Steve Austin. Upon hearing his name, Big Boss Man took a step forward realizing it was his cue… and just stood there. My, what stage presence.

Oh by the way, there's a cage suspended above the ring. And your viewing pleasure is still brought to you by Castrol Syntex.

X-Pac and New Age Outlaws enter. Road Dogg is sporting some new beads for his braids.. however it looks like the same ones that the Predator (you know, that buff alien) had. The Predator had a nicer body though. So Road Dogg starts his 'ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages…' and the camera pans in on an audience member TRYING to participate but is probably in a time frame 2 minutes behind everyone else since he's getting the words wrong. For cryin' out loud, dude, Road Dogg has only said the same lines about a kazillion times and you STILL can't get it right?? You're an adult! Get your act together.

The three DX members go up against the Brood. Gangrel emerges from beneath the ramp within a ring of fire. You know it'd be an event if his poet shirt caught on fire. But alas, it did not. Gangrel walks down the ramp with Edge and Christian.
We catch sight of X-Pac and Billy Gunn talking and Billy getting his ass smacked by X-pac, who has a huge grin on his face. Mm.. I had no idea. The typical occurs where all wrestlers are messing each other up in the ring and then the lights go off and Kane's theme music begins playing over the speakers. In comes KANEY, he'd GONE ROGUE!!!! Well, he was a bit confused.. he's got no guidance, he lost his poppa, he lost his brother, he can't get a chick, he can't get disability for that one messed up eye, he probably doesn't have a nice car, all the local villagers had probably chased him while he was enroute to the arena, stoning him, yet all he wanted to do was play with the little girl who handed him a flower…and he probably never learned to REEEEAD… hence he can't fill out a job application let alone find a job.. so entering the ring and wrestling 'is all he knows', says Jim Ross.
I tell you though, what Kane does know is to wait for his entrance music before entering the ring. So if someone had told the WWF tech guys to NOT turn out the lights and play his music, he wouldn't have had to come out to choke slam a bunch of questionably innocent people. I mean, it's simple.. you put 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 together (I get 10…B.C.)
Before Kane choke slams all the individuals in the ring, X-Pac manages to squeeze in the opportunity to face rape Christian (the bronco move, okay?). Now the following is my expert play by play reporting of the events to follow: Kane slams Edge, Edge go boom. Kane slams X-Pac, X-Pac goes boom. Kane slams Christian, Christian goes boom. Jim Ross screams, 'Kane is raising HELL!!' Hey, what does it take to raise good hell?? (Fire, brimstone and Twinkies…. B.C.) Then Kane went backstage to the deli tray. It was hot tamales this time which is good food for hellraisers. The gas comes up first to ignite the ultimate HELL.

All during the show, Vince is badgering his workers backstage.. from Michael Cole to Jim Cornette (who he tells to stop wearing that ridiculous outfit he normally wears..). I think if Vince attended an ECW event and participated in screaming like a banshee with the rest of the fans, he would just relieve some of that stress. (Hell, I DID!!)

DROZ enters to battle Hawk. Of course, Hawk is too drunk to be in battle and Droz just takes a beating to him. Animal comes out to take a good looksee.

Meanwhile, someone in the audience is blowing this weak airhorn (Or a dead trumpet, or a dying moose... B.C.) which seemed to be sounded at the appropiate moments.. like when Droz is bending over.. or when Hawk is a drunken heap on the mat.. So, eventually Animal had had enough of the spectacle and peels Droz off of Hawk and motions Droz to go back to the locker room.. he may have said (but don't rely on my sources), 'now go back to my room.. and put on something pretty.'

Michael Cole interviews Al Snow and Mankind with their significant others. While Cole is speaking, Al interrupts, 'Hold it, Todd..' Uh.. who's Todd?

The Oddities enter the ring.. Now I know I made a comment about Kurrgan's African patterned skull cap previously but now he's switched to a leather aviator's cap. I don't think that's better dear, you may as well put Taka Michinoku's panty on your head.

Hey, we spot ZZ Top in the audience.. …. Hey look guys.. it's … ZZ Top… aren't you …. excited… Of course ZZ is basically the sound you make when you're snoring… Anyways, they probably looked at Kurrgan and didn't think he was a sharp dressed man.

Mankind makes his entrance.. then Al Snow enters and does his whirly bird move.. maybe you wanna borrow Kurrgan's aviator cap when you do that. During the match, Al Snow performs the Church Lady dance. I don't know why but at least it was more amusing that Road Dogg's hip hopping. Mankind attempts to find Socko but he's not in his pants.. nor is he (I'm addressing a sock as 'he'.. yah.. okay) on his foot so Mankind takes to the hills (or just backstage) to find Socko, leaving Al to carry the weight of the Oddities. Of course he loses after he gets pressed by Golga like a tortilla but he still manages to laugh it off. What a trooper he is…

So Vinnie is still wheeling around backstage and spots Shaquille O'Neal watching telly with a few wrestlers… and is told to leave if he doesn't have a backstage pass. Shaquille mouths, 'Asshole', to the camera. That was silly.

Steve Regal, the man's man (you know that statement can be pretty gay… and so are his shiny maroon kneepads..) enters. In his froofy English accent, he challenges a REAL man to fight him. At the same time, he should have screamed for someone to get him a kidney pie, some tea and crumpets, some blood pudding and perhaps microwaved pizza. BLECH. Goldust comes out to battle him.
Basically no contest because Regal SUCKS.. he's slow and unconvincing as a wrestler AND actor so.. mm.. we'll soon have to endure another wrestler searching for a gimmick. Who knows..

Terri Runnels comes out, as Marlena, clad in gold and with cigar in hand. Since she was dumped by Val Uglyoski Venis after she told him that she was pregnant, she's trying to get back with Dustin.. but the lights go off and KANEY walks in. Really guys, I think he's looking for someone to play with.. he just plays a little rough. He chokes Val Groteski Venis, then Goldust. Marlena tends to her fallen hubby, only to have confused Kaney try to choke slam her. He manages to grab her neck and lift her up armlength (and in order to do this right, he's got his hand cupped to her ass) but the refs convince him to put her down. Hey, you know what, as devastating as the choke slam may be, if Kane is going to have to hold my ass while doing it, by all MEANS, I WANNA BE CHOKE SLAMMED (just sans the slamming part of course…)… whattaya say Mr. Big Kind Rogue Red Person? And the bargain package could include the Tombstone. I promise not to fart.. if you'll promise as well.

Anyways, after the referees told Kaney not to choke slam Marlena, Kaney looked at them as if thinking, 'heh, I touched her ass…she's my girlfriend now.. she's coming over for dinner.. she likes corn.'
Mankind speaks to Vinnie who offers him a present if only he wouldn't interfere in the next match, which would be the Rock vs. Kenny Shamrock. Vinnie hands Mankind the Hardcore Championship belt, which was practically held together by masking tape but cute Mankind takes it as a child takes candy. He kisses it and Vince tells him, 'You know, I've already lost a son but… in a way, I've gained one back..'
Before Vinnie leaves the room, Mankind says, 'Thanks dad..' Mick Foley is so silly, I can just see him playing with children, running amuck, rolling in mud, playing jacks. I bet he's a really nice guy.

Kenny Shamrock enters. Someone in the audience threw a cup of water at him.. or it could have been 7-up.. either way, what the hell do you need to throw things at wrestlers for, you bloody moron. Kenny walked over to the kid and probably tried to lecture him on the dangers of these acts. If the kid doesn't get counseling, he will eventually think that he can drop an anvil on a wrestler and they would survive. Sigh.

Then Kenny walks over to a couple probably to tell them about how he got pelted by a cup of ice water. The couple just yelled at him. (No one wants to hear the Plights of a Kenny). The man also stood behind his girlfriend/wife while arguing with Kenny… maybe Kenny forgot to brush his teeth. And we're sure if he had breath mints, he would use them. OH!

The stipulation in this match for the Rock is that if he doesn't win the Intercontinental Belt, he's out of the Survivor Series.

The match is coming right along.. the Rock sweats.. the Kenny screams. One point, Kenny is so involved in telling the audience to keep cheering for the Rock, that he gets pummelled by a Rock clothesline. Kenny, you're such a geek. I love it.

Kenny then tried to hit the Rock with a chair which bounces off the rope and hits himself on the noggin. Kenny, you're such a dweeb. I love it. Kenny managed to do it right the second time and hit the Rock with the chair enabling him to get disqualified.. and of course, Rock doesn't win the belt on a DQ which means he's out of the Survivor Series. But you know how it goes, something will happen that will reinstate him.

Cut to the Survivor Series commercial… 'it's a deadly game'… The cheesiness of it gave me douche chills. It's a deadly commercial. (I've been having recurring nightmares about it... B.C.)

Rock is looking for Vinnie backstage, causing a ruckus, leaving things in disarray… no etiquette, that Rock.

Val Usuckski Venis vs. Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichael. Hey, doesn't anyone care that Val is a girl's name?? Anyways, this match ends with the Blue Blazer, with his arms outstretched, stomping on Venis. This Blue dude really believes he can fly.. he believes he can touch the sky… (sorry, I've given myself douche chills..)

Two wide ass cops enter because the Rock has threatened Vinnie's life and so…

Headbangers enter dressed as NAO. What do you expect from two New Jersey guys. Utter foolishness. We approve. They go against D'Lo Brown and Mark Henry.

Mosh's pant pockets were turned inside out which leads us to think that he was mugged. He probably didn't have much though, maybe some chiclets, some certs with retsyn. Then KANEY enters… by now he must have circled the arena about three times.. this was his third lap and he wasn't showing any fatigue. Kane chokeslams BOTH D'Lo and Mosh at the same time. Mercy. See, if Mosh didn't get mugged of his chiclets or certs, he would have offered them to Kane and soothed this savage beast.
The Rock is getting arrested and he screams, 'The Rock has donuts for you!!' That was priceless. Now we have to find Rock because hell, he's got donuts!!! I hope they're chocolate glazed.

Owen Hart enters, wants to hear what Dan Dan the Beast Man (sporting the neck brace) has to say. Somehow, getting dropped on his head gave Dan a strange accent. (It's Mid Western…. B.C.) And that's not a strange accent?? OH.

Dan Dan tells Owen that he's scum. Owen doesn't take too well to that comment and pushes Dan, (my expert commentary again, folks) Dan go boom. Enter Steve Blackman to save the day… at this point, I think Owen should have turned around and left the ring with his arms outstretched.. and then realized that he made a boo boo…and then walk away scratching his head but Owen is a professional. Except when it comes to PILEDRIVERS!!

Dan gets carted off in the ambulance.. Blackman sees Owen and runs after him to attack. Owen screams, 'I'M RETIRED!!!' (he should have screamed, 'DON'T HIT!!' That woulda worked) but Blackman must maim Owen. Oh yes, he must. But then the Blue Blazer shows up and attacks Blackman.. Meanwhile Ross and Lawler are acting confused as to who the Blue Blazer is since they thought it was always Owen who was flouncing around in the fuzzy blue cape. Aw come on, don't act like you don't know. It's the Brooklyn Brawler.

The cage is being lowered… Vinnie enters with his posse and someone throws a whole sign at Big Boss Man. That's a waste of a sign you know.. it could have said something really important and thought provoking as 'The Rock'.

Vinnie wheels past the workers who are brushing on some flammable liquid onto sections of the cage. Gee, no one would ever know they were setting things up for Kane's entrance again. Boy.. they should have at least tried to be alittle more inconspicuous.. wear some camouflage.. wear Mexican wrestler masks or the Steve Austin mask. Cover yourself with a sheet and pretend to be a chair or SOMETHING.

Vinnie speaks… and Boss Man leans over to listen to him. Hey Boss, he's got the mic, what could you NOT hear through the loud speakers?? Basically, Vince wanted his posse (Patterson, Brisco, Slaughter) to enter the cage so that Boss Man can kick their ass. But the genuine horror occurred when Patterson lost both his shoes and Boss Man went out of character and smirked (hell, it WAS funny). Patterson begged Vince 'PLEASE, STOP THIS!!!' He really meant to plead, 'PLEASE, DON'T TAKE OFF ANY MORE OF MY CLOTHES!!!' But Vinnie tells Boss Man to rip their clothes off. "Good old fashioned humiliation," says Vince. I don't know but it sounds more like good old fashioned rape.

Austin runs into the cage because HE certainly doesn't want to see ANY of them naked, nor in their BVD's, nor their Winnie the Pooh undergarments.. but instead Austin gets beat up.. Shane enters to save him.. and the big boss man has become the The Big Sweat Man by now.. Given a real match, he may rival the Rock in the sweating department. But then again, he DOES sport that cargo vest full of his diet products and that's a lugful to carry.

Undertaker walks in.. the lighting really emphasized his AREA.. his package… I mean, it was HUGE! This led me to believe that HE took Socko!! Undertaker starts beating on Austin.. then KANEY does his final rounds.. and HEY, parts of the cage are aflame!! We had no idea that was gonna happen..
Program ends.. and Chokee goes beddie bye. ZZ….

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