By Chokee Slam
|November 2, 1998
Shane McMahon enters the arena to a mass of cheers (perhaps
they were kinda piped in through the speakers), giving a fist thump to his boob and then
extending it out to the audience. Mm, a nazi-like gesture but I'm sure he meant it as a
sign of unity between himself and the WWF audience. Nah, he meant to gesture, 'Look at my
BOOB!' He introduces Steve Austin to the ring and I notice that Stevie is without his
fanny pack (where I assume he's carrying his beer). Must have drank all the Steveweisers
backstage. If he was a raging alcoholic, he may need to resort to a backpack instead.
Vinnie Mac's limo enters the arena lot and his
klingon, Big Boss Man is with him (and without ski mask and sunglasses so we're positive
that it is Ray Traylor).
We spot a sign:
OH boy that took much thought and
originality. MY the creativity is just GUSHING.. like a geyser.
Vinnie wheels himself in and the camera takes a good
shot of Stevie's expression and his hairy earlobes. I don't believe that Steve is THAT old
where you start losing hair where you want it and growing hair where you don't want it. We
already know that he had a receding hairline (and the bald look suits him perfectly for he
is a handsome man) but will the days when hair starts creeping out of his ears be
forthcoming?? Steve, I think we'll all still like you if you look like Art Garfunkel. Just
stop telling Vince that he's got 20,000 people calling him an asshole. You've done that
three weeks straight and it's alittle tiring.
Vinnie had a big announcement to make and all week
prior to Raw, the idea of Vince retiring had been milling around. But Vinnie states, 'You
would just love it if I retired, if I retired, you would just love that wouldn't you,
wouldn't you, if I retired, you'd just love it..' Mm, I don't know but are you trying to
say that if you retired, they would just love it?? Anyways, WE don't want you to retire
because we know what you've created in the world of professional wrestling and only you
have been able to make superstars out of wrestlers. Now, can I have a job??
But back to the storyline. Vinnie states he will NOT
step down from the organization and the day he steps down 'is the day I diiiiiiiie!!!'. He
really revved up a good phlegm ball for that 'diiiiiiie' statement. A definite globby
green one. Meanwhile the audience had been cheering since Shane's entrance to Vinnie's
'diiiiiiiie' statement.. they'll cheer for anything I believe. Vinnie said he would see
the audience 'IN HELL', and the audience cheered, "YEEEEAH!! HELL!!!!!!" If
someone was petitioning to ban speedos, the audience would yell, 'YEEEEAH!! BAN
SPEEDOS!!!' If someone was talking about world hunger, the audience would chime in,
'YEEEEEAH!! WORLD HUNGER!!!!'
Vinnie gives everyone the news that at the Survivor
Series, the opening match will be the Big Boss Man vs. Steve Austin. Upon hearing his
name, Big Boss Man took a step forward realizing it was his cue
and just stood
there. My, what stage presence.
Oh by the way, there's a cage suspended above the
ring. And your viewing pleasure is still brought to you by Castrol Syntex.
X-Pac and New Age Outlaws enter. Road Dogg is
sporting some new beads for his braids.. however it looks like the same ones that the
Predator (you know, that buff alien) had. The Predator had a nicer body though. So Road
Dogg starts his 'ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages
' and the camera pans in
on an audience member TRYING to participate but is probably in a time frame 2 minutes
behind everyone else since he's getting the words wrong. For cryin' out loud, dude, Road
Dogg has only said the same lines about a kazillion times and you STILL can't get it
right?? You're an adult! Get your act together.
|The three DX members go up against the Brood.
Gangrel emerges from beneath the ramp within a ring of fire. You know it'd be an event if
his poet shirt caught on fire. But alas, it did not. Gangrel walks down the ramp with Edge
|We catch sight of X-Pac and Billy Gunn
talking and Billy getting his ass smacked by X-pac, who has a huge grin on his face. Mm..
I had no idea. The typical occurs where all wrestlers are messing each other up in the
ring and then the lights go off and Kane's theme music begins playing over the speakers.
In comes KANEY, he'd GONE ROGUE!!!! Well, he was a bit confused.. he's got no guidance, he
lost his poppa, he lost his brother, he can't get a chick, he can't get disability for
that one messed up eye, he probably doesn't have a nice car, all the local villagers had
probably chased him while he was enroute to the arena, stoning him, yet all he wanted to
do was play with the little girl who handed him a flower
and he probably never
learned to REEEEAD
hence he can't fill out a job application let alone find a job..
so entering the ring and wrestling 'is all he knows', says Jim Ross.
|I tell you though, what Kane does know is to wait
for his entrance music before entering the ring. So if someone had told the WWF tech guys
to NOT turn out the lights and play his music, he wouldn't have had to come out to choke
slam a bunch of questionably innocent people. I mean, it's simple.. you put 2 and 2 and 2
and 2 together (I get 10
|Before Kane choke slams all the
individuals in the ring, X-Pac manages to squeeze in the opportunity to face rape
Christian (the bronco move, okay?). Now the following is my expert play by play reporting
of the events to follow: Kane slams Edge, Edge go boom. Kane slams X-Pac, X-Pac goes boom.
Kane slams Christian, Christian goes boom. Jim Ross screams, 'Kane is raising HELL!!' Hey,
what does it take to raise good hell?? (Fire, brimstone
. B.C.) Then Kane went
backstage to the deli tray. It was hot tamales this time which is good food for
hellraisers. The gas comes up first to ignite the ultimate HELL.
All during the show, Vince is badgering his workers
backstage.. from Michael Cole to Jim Cornette (who he tells to stop wearing that
ridiculous outfit he normally wears..). I think if Vince attended an ECW event and
participated in screaming like a banshee with the rest of the fans, he would just relieve
some of that stress. (Hell, I DID!!)
DROZ enters to battle Hawk. Of course, Hawk is too
drunk to be in battle and Droz just takes a beating to him. Animal comes out to take a
|Meanwhile, someone in the audience is blowing this
weak airhorn (Or a dead trumpet, or a dying moose... B.C.) which seemed to be sounded at
the appropiate moments.. like when Droz is bending over.. or when Hawk is a drunken heap
on the mat.. So, eventually Animal had had enough of the spectacle and peels Droz off of
Hawk and motions Droz to go back to the locker room.. he may have said (but don't rely on
my sources), 'now go back to my room.. and put on something pretty.'
Michael Cole interviews Al Snow and Mankind with their significant others.
While Cole is speaking, Al interrupts, 'Hold it, Todd..' Uh.. who's Todd?
The Oddities enter the ring.. Now I know I made a
comment about Kurrgan's African patterned skull cap previously but now he's switched to a
leather aviator's cap. I don't think that's better dear, you may as well put Taka
Michinoku's panty on your head.
Hey, we spot ZZ Top in the audience..
look guys.. it's
Of course ZZ is
basically the sound you make when you're snoring
Anyways, they probably looked at
Kurrgan and didn't think he was a sharp dressed man.
Mankind makes his entrance.. then Al Snow enters and
does his whirly bird move.. maybe you wanna borrow Kurrgan's aviator cap when you do that.
During the match, Al Snow performs the Church Lady dance. I don't know why but at least it
was more amusing that Road Dogg's hip hopping. Mankind attempts to find Socko but he's not
in his pants.. nor is he (I'm addressing a sock as 'he'.. yah.. okay) on his foot so
Mankind takes to the hills (or just backstage) to find Socko, leaving Al to carry the
weight of the Oddities. Of course he loses after he gets pressed by Golga like a tortilla
but he still manages to laugh it off. What a trooper he is
So Vinnie is still wheeling around backstage and
spots Shaquille O'Neal watching telly with a few wrestlers
and is told to leave if
he doesn't have a backstage pass. Shaquille mouths, 'Asshole', to the camera. That was
|Steve Regal, the man's man (you know that statement
can be pretty gay
and so are his shiny maroon kneepads..) enters. In his froofy
English accent, he challenges a REAL man to fight him. At the same time, he should have
screamed for someone to get him a kidney pie, some tea and crumpets, some blood pudding
and perhaps microwaved pizza. BLECH. Goldust comes out to battle him.
|Basically no contest because Regal
SUCKS.. he's slow and unconvincing as a wrestler AND actor so.. mm.. we'll soon have to
endure another wrestler searching for a gimmick. Who knows..
Terri Runnels comes out, as Marlena, clad in gold and with
cigar in hand. Since she was dumped by Val Uglyoski Venis after she told him that she was
pregnant, she's trying to get back with Dustin.. but the lights go off and KANEY walks in.
Really guys, I think he's looking for someone to play with.. he just plays a little rough.
He chokes Val Groteski Venis, then Goldust. Marlena tends to her fallen hubby, only to
have confused Kaney try to choke slam her. He manages to grab her neck and lift her up
armlength (and in order to do this right, he's got his hand cupped to her ass) but the
refs convince him to put her down. Hey, you know what, as devastating as the choke slam
may be, if Kane is going to have to hold my ass while doing it, by all MEANS, I WANNA BE
CHOKE SLAMMED (just sans the slamming part of course
whattaya say Mr. Big
Kind Rogue Red Person? And the bargain package could include the Tombstone.
I promise not to fart..
if you'll promise as well.
|Anyways, after the referees told Kaney not to choke
slam Marlena, Kaney looked at them as if thinking, 'heh, I touched her ass
girlfriend now.. she's coming over for dinner.. she likes corn.'
|Mankind speaks to Vinnie who offers him a present
if only he wouldn't interfere in the next match, which would be the Rock vs. Kenny
Shamrock. Vinnie hands Mankind the Hardcore Championship belt, which was practically held
together by masking tape but cute Mankind takes it as a child takes candy. He kisses it
and Vince tells him, 'You know, I've already lost a son but
in a way, I've gained
|Before Vinnie leaves the room, Mankind
says, 'Thanks dad..' Mick Foley is so silly, I can just see him playing with children,
running amuck, rolling in mud, playing jacks. I bet he's a really nice guy.
Kenny Shamrock enters. Someone in the audience threw a cup of
water at him.. or it could have been 7-up.. either way, what the hell do you need to throw
things at wrestlers for, you bloody moron. Kenny walked over to the kid and probably tried
to lecture him on the dangers of these acts. If the kid doesn't get counseling, he will
eventually think that he can drop an anvil on a wrestler and they would survive. Sigh.
Then Kenny walks over to a couple probably to tell
them about how he got pelted by a cup of ice water. The couple just yelled at him. (No one
wants to hear the Plights of a Kenny). The man also stood behind his girlfriend/wife while
arguing with Kenny
maybe Kenny forgot to brush his teeth. And we're sure if he had
breath mints, he would use them. OH!
The stipulation in this match for the Rock is that
if he doesn't win the Intercontinental Belt, he's out of the Survivor Series.
The match is coming right along.. the Rock sweats..
the Kenny screams. One point, Kenny is so involved in telling the audience to keep
cheering for the Rock, that he gets pummelled by a Rock clothesline. Kenny, you're such a
geek. I love it.
Kenny then tried to hit the Rock with a chair which
bounces off the rope and hits himself on the noggin. Kenny, you're such a dweeb. I love
it. Kenny managed to do it right the second time and hit the Rock with the chair enabling
him to get disqualified.. and of course, Rock doesn't win the belt on a DQ which means
he's out of the Survivor Series. But you know how it goes, something will happen that will
Cut to the Survivor Series commercial
The cheesiness of it gave me douche chills. It's a deadly commercial. (I've been having recurring nightmares about it... B.C.)
Rock is looking for Vinnie backstage, causing a
ruckus, leaving things in disarray
no etiquette, that Rock.
Val Usuckski Venis vs. Jeff Jarrett with Debra
McMichael. Hey, doesn't anyone care that Val is a girl's name?? Anyways, this match ends
with the Blue Blazer, with his arms outstretched, stomping on Venis. This Blue dude really
believes he can fly.. he believes he can touch the sky
(sorry, I've given myself
Two wide ass cops enter because the Rock has
threatened Vinnie's life and so
Headbangers enter dressed as NAO. What do you expect
from two New Jersey guys. Utter foolishness. We approve. They go against D'Lo Brown and
|Mosh's pant pockets were turned inside out which
leads us to think that he was mugged. He probably didn't have much though, maybe some
chiclets, some certs with retsyn. Then KANEY enters
by now he must have circled the
arena about three times.. this was his third lap and he wasn't showing any fatigue. Kane
chokeslams BOTH D'Lo and Mosh at the same time. Mercy. See, if Mosh didn't get mugged of
his chiclets or certs, he would have offered them to Kane and soothed this savage beast.
|The Rock is getting arrested and he
screams, 'The Rock has donuts for you!!' That was priceless. Now we have to find Rock
because hell, he's got donuts!!! I hope they're chocolate glazed.
Owen Hart enters, wants to hear what Dan Dan the Beast Man
(sporting the neck brace) has to say. Somehow, getting dropped on his head gave Dan a
strange accent. (It's Mid Western
. B.C.) And that's not a strange accent??
Dan Dan tells Owen that he's scum. Owen doesn't take
too well to that comment and pushes Dan, (my expert commentary again, folks) Dan go boom.
Enter Steve Blackman to save the day
at this point, I think Owen should have turned
around and left the ring with his arms outstretched.. and then realized that he made a boo
and then walk away scratching his head but Owen is a professional. Except when it
comes to PILEDRIVERS!!
Dan gets carted off in the ambulance.. Blackman sees
Owen and runs after him to attack. Owen screams, 'I'M RETIRED!!!' (he should have
screamed, 'DON'T HIT!!' That woulda worked) but Blackman must maim Owen. Oh yes, he must.
But then the Blue Blazer shows up and attacks Blackman.. Meanwhile Ross and Lawler are
acting confused as to who the Blue Blazer is since they thought it was always Owen who was
flouncing around in the fuzzy blue cape. Aw come on, don't act like you don't know. It's
the Brooklyn Brawler.
The cage is being lowered
Vinnie enters with
his posse and someone throws a whole sign at Big Boss Man. That's a waste of a sign you
know.. it could have said something really important and thought provoking as 'The Rock'.
Vinnie wheels past the workers who are brushing on
some flammable liquid onto sections of the cage. Gee, no one would ever know they were
setting things up for Kane's entrance again. Boy.. they should have at least tried to be
alittle more inconspicuous.. wear some camouflage.. wear Mexican wrestler masks or the
Steve Austin mask. Cover yourself with a sheet and pretend to be a chair or SOMETHING.
and Boss Man leans over to
listen to him. Hey Boss, he's got the mic, what could you NOT hear through the loud
speakers?? Basically, Vince wanted his posse (Patterson, Brisco, Slaughter) to enter the
cage so that Boss Man can kick their ass. But the genuine horror occurred when Patterson
lost both his shoes and Boss Man went out of character and smirked (hell, it WAS funny).
Patterson begged Vince 'PLEASE, STOP THIS!!!' He really meant to plead, 'PLEASE, DON'T
TAKE OFF ANY MORE OF MY CLOTHES!!!' But Vinnie tells Boss Man to rip their clothes off.
"Good old fashioned humiliation," says Vince. I don't know but it sounds more
like good old fashioned rape.
Austin runs into the cage because HE certainly
doesn't want to see ANY of them naked, nor in their BVD's, nor their Winnie the Pooh
undergarments.. but instead Austin gets beat up.. Shane enters to save him.. and the big
boss man has become the The Big Sweat Man by now.. Given a real match, he may rival the
Rock in the sweating department. But then again, he DOES sport that cargo vest full of his
diet products and that's a lugful to carry.
|Undertaker walks in.. the lighting really
emphasized his AREA.. his package
I mean, it was HUGE! This led me to believe that
HE took Socko!! Undertaker starts beating on Austin.. then KANEY does his final rounds..
and HEY, parts of the cage are aflame!! We had no idea that was gonna happen..
|Program ends.. and Chokee goes beddie