By Chokee Slam
|November 9, 1998
Flub on signage upon first sight:
This was a three person sign, each
person holding a sign containing two letters. Mr. 'IN' had his sign upside down, therefore
letting his fellow sign holders down. You should be ashamed of yourself and I hope all
your Steveweiser priviledges were taken away from you
in a rough manner.
This Raw started quickly with X-Pac entering the
ring. Now we all know that on Heat, Undertaker had to be a buttinski and ruin X-Pac's
match before it even began as well as hurting the little guy. I mean hey, Undertaker,
you're a big man causing harm to the little 6 footer (though we believe he's probably
about 5 ft 8 because X-Pac is the same height as Aldo Montoya/ Justin Credible and we had
the pleasure to get SHOVED out of the way by Justin during our ECW excursion. We
know FOR FACT that Justin is NOT THAT TALL. He carried a big stick though so we weren't
going to say much to him.)
Anyways on Heat, X-Pac challenged UT to a match and
said, 'I challenge you.. I'm not saying I'll beat you but DX never backs down..' X-Pac, I
guess you should have just cut to the chase and outwardly said, 'Undertaker, I'm gonna
fight you and I know you're going to grind me to a pulp but I'll let you do it.. because
DX doesn't chicken out.. I'll get hurt and contorted into a pretzel but
I'll let you
do it.. Just tell me when you've had enough..'
Signage (you Texans are feisty):
Gee, I'm really sorry dude. Maybe you
should try Hooked on Phonics. Also 'Cat in the Hat' is a good starter book.. just borrow
Enter the Undertaker. It ALMOST looked like he
perhaps layered his hair a little.. was contemplating having bangs. Hell, I don't blame
him after he had that life and death struggle with his frizzies about two weeks ago. But
remember, bangs never work for men. It's not the 60's anymore. And the 'Caesar' look is
over, look at what it did to George Clooney's career.
|Anyways, it's barely a minute into the match and
Undertaker is taking it to the little Pac. The lights go out and Kaney comes in obviously
holding something in his hand. X-Pac claws at Undertaker's breasteses area and so UT grabs
Pac by the hair ('don't touch the boobs, son') and holds him in front of him while Kane
lets out this fireball.. whoa what a belch. He must have had chili. No.. it came out of
his hand and depending on the angle, it looked like it got X-Pac's eye. Kaney looks at the
fallen X-Pac, tilting his head. 'Did I do a bad??' Poor Kaney, he's quite misunderstood.
UT sneaks out of the ring but Kane goes after him.. and uh Kane, don't walk too fast, you
might actually catch up to Undertaker.
|The lights go back on and you hear a
female's high pitched scream of terror. That must have been Billy Gunn. OH! Hey.. he was
in the ring (with Road Dogg), helping X-Pac.. it's simple deduction.. you put glimmery boy
leg brief + french braid hair + Billy Gunn = high pitched girl wail.
|Okay, they've stopped airing the douche chilling
Survivor Series commercial, the 'Deadly game' one. Now they have these black and white
shots of the participants of the tournament, close-ups of their faces. They should have
put in Steve Regal's oh-so-English face, mouth in a grimace, showing nothing but
we need to show a picture to give the full effect
|Mankind enters the arena, confronted by
Vinnie Mac who states that he has to defend his Hardcore Championship belt against Kenny
Shamrock.. but first he needs a make-over.
a flashback from Heat with Val Jerkski Venis saying he had a vasectomy years ago. In the
ring, Venis talks about football and then he does this leg jig that football players do
when they get the touchdown. The camera pans over to some Dallas Cowboys in the audience
laughing.. AT HIM. They had every right. Cause after all, he is Val Idiotski Venis. He
took a fatal chance in doing that jig knowing that his bony legs wouldn't withstand the
strain. Terri Runnels comes out behind him but he shoos her away.
It's Venis vs. Steve Blackman. Blackman's entrance
footage shows him brandishing some mini light sabers that we don't see him use in the
ring. Aw come on, bring it to the ring, I feel the force is strong in you.. Blackman
enters and runs toward Venis to attempt a kick
. and misses Venis but kicks the
turnbuckle. He's mighty lethal to those turnbuckles. What did they ever do to you?
Blackman tries to impress us with his 'martial arts,' says Jim Ross. To that, I say, 'HIE-FUCKING-YA!!!' It's still early in the match and Venis is
entirely winded.. and is too occupied pulling out his wedgie. His butt was hungry. Blech.
Terri returns however, to give Venis a shot to the nuts (really the thigh) and she almost
jacks herself up good on those platform barbie slippers. Come on Vinnie, must you have
women wearing those things especially if they're going to participate in a stunt??
Anyways, Owen Hart AND the Blue Blazer run in to mug
Steve Blackman.. it was a mess. See, Blackman, if you brought the light sabers in, you'd
have something to offer your muggers and they would have left you alone. But this is just
Mankind (who has his shirt on backwards and inside
out..) is getting his hair trimmed and he has a lovely conversation with the hairdresser.
Mankind says 'perhaps Vince will get me some new teeth.'
'What happened to your other ones?' asked the
|Mankind says, 'Austin threw 'em into the crowd..
You know, that Vince is like a big cuddly teddy bear. Sometimes I just wanna go over there
and give him a big hug..' Actually Mankind, you're the teddy bear
I think you need a
hug. I think I'd have to have Bostin (I'm there!!! ...
B.C.) do it though since I'd be too busy
hugging Kane. Hey, he needs a friend. Or at least a home cooked meal.
|NAO comes out
OH, that doesn't
sound right. Actually last night on Heat, they made an adament statement that they LIKE
something to prove, aye?? As a matter of fact, Billy Gunn left behind
his lip print boy leg briefs and opted for a basic black pair.(writer's note: Uh.. I
wonder if Billy Gunn made his way into Mad Phat Wrestling
uh.. I think I better hide
out in a safe place.. tell my mommy I have to go out and buy some milk
|It's a Triple Threat match between Road Dogg, D'Lo
Brown and Mosh of the Headbangers. All their significant others are at ringside however..
At one point, D'lo took a slight beating to Dogg and turned his back
so Mosh took
the opportunity to try to get a pin .. to which Jim Ross said, 'Mosh is coming through the
back door..' OH.. we had no idea.. Just remember Mosh, that area is an exit, not an
entrance. But all I can think about is Andy Dick singing, 'Little Brown Ring..'
|Am I butt obsessed??
Speaking of, Shane McMahon (who is the referee for this
match) has a rather wide ass
at least not movie screen wide
just tv screen
Mosh actually WINS!! But then Billy Gunn has to get
in the ring to showboat (by beating on D'Lo and Mark Henry). Hell, Jim Ross did say
he was a horse, right?? Naaaay..
Debra McMichael and Jeff Jarrett interview. It's
alittle frightening to have the camera guy zoning into McMichael's face.. you know what, I
don't think she's got enough make-up on .. better put on another ton of foundation. If
anyone saw the movie 'Death Becomes Her', she looks like Meryl Streep at the end of the
where she had to wear so much make-up (it was actually acrylic paint) to look
Mankind gets a pedicure. Someone shave his feet
Goldust vs. Jarrett with McMichaels. Terri comes
bouncing out, her nipples leading the way.. Goldust disses her, tells her to 'go back
there, get on a jet and get out of my life..' Why a jet?? Why not the seaplane?? A boat? A
If McMichael's dresses get any shorter, 'it'll be a
collar', says Jim Ross. More like a headband
mm, being a child of the 80's
remember wearing headbands and the imprints they left on my forehead. It was worse if you
fell asleep in class with your forehead to your arm and you'd end up with this red blotch
on your head.. and to make it worse, you had to have the headband imbedded in there too.
The 80's were horrible times.. I mean, look at Flock of the Seagulls.
Debra saves Jarrett from the dreaded kick to the
balls from Goldust.. but Goldust made the ultimate sacrifice in taking Debra's face in his
hands and pulls her face back alittle. Watch it Goldie, you may have popped some stitches
there.. her ear could have popped right off. OH! This enables Jarrett to hit Goldust with
that paper guitar. Then Debra pats Jarrett on the tit. Good obedient tit.
Rock gets interviewed by Michael Cole and oh dear,
Rock spazzes out again.. he had sunglasses on but I'm sure his eyes were darting every
which way and loose. He said, "..that jabroni piece of trash
rudy-poo Vince McMahon.." Rudy Poo??? Soon we'll be hearing Rock saying 'you
piece of trashy washy
you doodie head.. '
His fingers spazzed .. he was flicking them like he
had moist boogers stuck on the ends of them. So he's done speaking and turns and walks
into the dressing room right behind him. I think he should have come out and said, 'that's
not even my rudy-poo dressing room
' but if he did that, he would have been run over
by 'drive by' Goldust. Goldie ran right by Cole to get at Jarrett
they try to mangle
each other.. then the Blue Blazer comes in, takes a few cheap shots and walks off with his
wings spread. He should have bounced.. or skipped
it wouldn't embarrass him anymore
than what he's doing now..
Meanwhile Goldust and Jarrett are fighting in front
of this door with a sign stating: DON'T BLOCK THIS DOOR. Yet they kept blocking the door..
shame on them
is there no ORDER in this world??
Kenny Shamrock walks out to the ring.. scans the
audience to find someone who he will allow to yell at him. No one pelted him with their
sodas this time.. how about trying some cotton candy next time.. but make sure it'll stick
to Kenny's head or something. No.. just kidding. I do not condone pelting wrestlers with
Mankind enters with a new haircut, wearing a tuxedo
and 'Rock-like' slippers
at least he was wearing socks.
|During the match, it starts to get carried outside
the ring. Kenny takes a deep swig of air and then screams, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!' His panties
must have been tighter than usual.. that night in his hotel, he opened the window and
threw his panties out
he was liberated. Poor guy, must have been thinking,
. HURT!!!' Bostin noticed that Kenny was packing
packing quite a bit.
Cucumber or eggplant, I ask.
|Well eventually Kenny gets knocked out
by Big Boss Man's stick and Mankind wins the match.. and gets to hug Vince. I don't know
but I'd want a better prize.. perhaps one of those sweepstakes where you get a 1 to
1,454,364 chance to win 1cent. I'd much prefer that.
The Rock's been attacked!! The Rock's been attacked!!!
I don't know man, but I think the Rock was attacked.
(Do you think the Rock was attacked? ... B.C.) Michael Cole says, 'Rock suffered a severe blow..' I figure
Rock would enjoy that more than complain about it. OH!! But I wonder what specifically
would distinguish it between a severe blow and just a regular blow. (I'm gonna get in
trouble for this, huh?)
|Stone Cold enters the ring wearing his little jean
shorts.. talking about Vinnie Mac of course.. '..you ssssssit back
there..' Hey, he's really the rattlesnake.. But the Boss Man comes out to have a
little chat with Austin and BOY, the Boss Man has speech problems. Okay, he's most likely
got a redder neck and definitely a thicker twang in his voice than Austin does. Bossman
says, 'Back up JACK..' Yo dude, his name is Steve.
|Boss man says, 'Vinnie pays for my
' (we reply, 'mmmmmm') '.. and we're gonna be kickin' your ass, beatin'
every butt in your body
I don't know how many butts Steve has.. it
may be a little flat and is the whitest part of his whole body but.. we have to rewind to
hear it again.. '
beatin' every bun in your body..'
. That's even worse
I know I know.. he said 'every bone in your
body..' but hey.. we don't let ANYONE get away with anything..
My, the Bossman got all winded and sweaty just from talking..
I hope he never has to fight the Rock. With both of them sweating in the ring, it's gonna
be like a tsunami hit
Then Boss Man attempts to say 'law, order and
justice' and this is basically how it drawled out, 'LORANORRERANJUSSIS'.
It's kinda like trying to figure out music lyrics yourself.. (or are we just so demented
we just want to hear what we want to hear..). For example, there's an Alice in Chains song
where the lyrics go, 'My body's breathing its dieing breath..' but we always seem to hear,
'My butt is breathing its dieing breath
.' What kind of sound does the butt
make when it's dieing? 'PPPHhhhhhttttttttssss
|Boss Man spoke so hard, the drool was hanging onto
his bottom lip for dear life. And here we notice that Austin has back hair sticking out of
his tee shirt. Last week it was earlobe hair.. now it's backhair. What's next? Eyeball
hair?? Lip hair??
|Boss Man had a great finishing line..
he tells Austin (most likely in frustration that he couldn't pronounce some words
correctly), 'At Survivor Series, you're gonna pay, you DUMB ASS!!' Equally as effective
would have been to say, 'YOU JERK!!' 'YOU BAD PERSON!' 'YOU'RE FUNNY
Austin gets to drink a whole can of beer then.. and stumbles
around the ring a little. And I thought he could handle his beer. Soon he'll have to
downsize the alcohol content to coolers. Or cough medicine.
Medics are STILL tending to the Rock.. they could
have bandaged his head like a mummy by now.
Al Snow vs Tiger Ali Singh. Damn, Ali Singh's eyes
are way too close together. I bet you could use just one finger and be able to poke BOTH
eyes at the same time. Of course if his 'character' was better, we wouldn't notice these
physical faults. Or if he was a better actor..
|Anyways, Ali says he doesn't want to wrestle Snow
because he's a shitzophrenic.. Al's reaction was more like, 'HEY.. that hurt man..' so he
has BA BOO fight him. Debra McMichael comes out to molest Head.. therefore distracting Al
and he loses the match.. shucks. Why should Al still be jobbing?? He's much better than
that. (yes, I'm kissing butt, I know Al is a good friend of Glen Jacobs and Bostin would
also like a grab at Al herself.. so we would all benefit from kissing ass
at least a hug, or a pat on the head -- Al's head-- heck, I'd settle for a wave... B.C.)
|But damn, the way McMichael was
cradling Head, she looked like Joan Crawford in 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane'. Scary.
And not much scares me. Except for Kenny Shamrock running after me screaming, 'YOU'RE A
BULLY!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!'
A segment of Sable
working out.. she was working on sticking her butt out.. must be training to give the
Sable Bomb.. if you know what I mean
Update on the Rock's condition. The medics are STILL
tending to him. I think they could have given him a CAT-scan by now.. he could have
written that novel he's always wanted to by now..
Kane vs. Edge with the rest of his brood. Gangrel
comes out from beneath the ramp, laughing like Mr. Ed.. uh-HUR.
DER. Kane comes out
with a canister of .. gasoline, they say. It was probably his soup. As the camera tries to
get a good shot of the canister, I of course get a good view of his crotch. I think WWF
has been distributing some larger cups.. not only Kenny was packing but so was Kane..
definitely an eggplant.
We see a flashback of Kane almost choke slamming
Marlena last week.. and WHOA, Kane's hand was REALLY IN Marlena's ass
speared her!!! (He was all up in that ... B.C.) The hand was in there like a THONG! OOOH OOOH, Mr. Kane,
choke slam me PLEEEASE, oh pleeeeeease.. choke slam me
Sorry, I've become a sniveling wimp to my libido.
Anyways, of course Kane dominated the match.. he
picked Edge up by his chin and there's a LOT there to pick up with much left over. Poor
Kane, he ain't got nobody. So he has his fun by kicking Edge's ass. Ross said something
about, '..when Kane was a pup
' We'd say he must have been about 6 feet weighing a
measly 250 pounds then.
Kane's package was pointing 12 o'clock high by the
Kane took to flying off the ropes again. He also
flipped himself backwards on the rope to land on the outside of the ring.. now if WE were
to attempt this feat, we would JACK ourselves up ridiculously.. I certainly wouldn't land
on my feet let alone OUTSIDE the ring. My feet would basically be in my nose or
my knees in my ear.. as I remain cocooned in the ring ropes..
Kane then jumped onto the steel steps and took a
flying leap at Edge. My.. he's spry.. but alas, the Brood attempts to attack him all at
once.. Yo guys, WATCH THE BREASTS!!! They were probably jealous of his massive chest
muscles and thought maybe if they beat on it some.. it would perhaps deflate alittle. BUT
HA!! You failed!!
|Instead they ALL get choke slammed.. (no hand in
butt cleavage though..) (whew.. a sigh of relief) and he gathers them in a pile (and why
the hell not, put the ref in there too..) and he gets the canister and pours the
'gasoline' over them. Well.. we know it was just water.. how'd he expect to light a
bonfire after dousing them with water?? He needs some guidance. See, what he really wanted
to do was have a weeny roast.. Gangrel is like those hot dogs that plump when you cook
em.. though I don't know how much more plump he can get..
|Camera man again closes in on the
and I get another chance to see Kane crotch.. Thank you Mr. Camera
Kane goes into the audience
where a 'spectator' gets choke slammed. Maybe the 'actor' was really his cousin or
well, I'm gonna slam you now.. but meet me at the diner
afterwards, yes?? And what's with the Coolio braids in your hair
' Poor Kane.. he's
so misguided, he can't even get to his locker room the right way. A few people managed to
slap him on the arm.. a young girl touched him and screamed in excitement. Now you ALL
know that if I was in there, this suction force would attach my body to his. I'd be on his
chest like a bra.. on his head like a hat.. on his leg like stockings
on his butt
like a panty. You get the idea.
Vinnie asks the Rock to come out.. Vinnie, I don't
think the Rock swings that way.. you're in for a disappointment. By the way, did the Rock
eat all the donuts he had last week (you know, the ones he was going to offer the
Shane comes out.. Vinnie sics Boss Man on his own
'sic em boy.. get 'im
' But Austin runs in to save Shane (aw) and the Boss
Man is so irate that he has a spazz attack. He grabs the top rope and shakes it for all
its worth.. at the same time, shaking himself for all its worth.. he almost pulled a John
Belushi (in which he gets so excited he falls backwards in a heap..)
Mark Henry enters the ring.. and I think the WWF DID
supply larger cups for its workers.. even Henry was hanging low.. and I really did NOT
want to see this.. did NOT want to see this. I'm so traumatized now that I'm repeating
I'm repeating myself.. this could cost thousands of dollars in therapy now..
Are you all happy??? Happy???
Rock walks down the ramp like a crab (he was walking
sideways). Actually he looked rather drunk. Ah, he didn't get his head knocked about
backstage.. he was out drinking with Hawk.
Look at choo, you're getting all your
catch phrases mixed up. You should have gone all out and wrote:
|THE PEOPLE'S SOCKO IS THE BEST THERE
IS, THE BEST THERE WAS AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE CUZ THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, AND IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN WITH IT, REST IN PEACE AND HAVE A NICE DAY AND I
WANT HEAD SO DON'T PISS ME OFF BECAUSE YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE NAME CHICO MAN
Whew.. that would have been a large
Mark Henry is giving The Rock a bear hug and Rock
tries to counterattack using the People's Armpit. With all that sweating the Rock does
it's a pretty lethal armpit. Ain't no bouquet of roses there
Big Boss Man tries to handcuff Rock but the dope
handcuffs himself. Boss Man tried to get out of his predicament by SCREAMING at the cuffs.
Obviously it didn't work. I wonder why he didn't just use his keys. Mm.
The ref gets knocked out
Rock covers Henry for
the win.. Shane runs in
counts and the Rock is victorious..
|Shane spazzes out (there was quite a bit of
spazzing on this show) while he's headed back to the dressing room. He's hopping around,
he could have poinked around like Daffy Duck does. Then I think his dad
would have been so amazed.. he would finally be proud of him..
|Rock attacks Vinnie.. and the Rock's
eyeballs look like they're about to pop out of his head.. DAMN.. be careful there sonny..
You don't wanna lose those
don't want them flying out of their sockets and into
anybody's mouth either.
So Chokee signs
keeping mouth firmly closed.