By Chokee Slam
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November 9, 1998

Dallas, Texas

Flub on signage upon first sight:


This was a three person sign, each person holding a sign containing two letters. Mr. 'IN' had his sign upside down, therefore letting his fellow sign holders down. You should be ashamed of yourself and I hope all your Steveweiser priviledges were taken away from you… in a rough manner.

This Raw started quickly with X-Pac entering the ring. Now we all know that on Heat, Undertaker had to be a buttinski and ruin X-Pac's match before it even began as well as hurting the little guy. I mean hey, Undertaker, you're a big man causing harm to the little 6 footer (though we believe he's probably about 5 ft 8 because X-Pac is the same height as Aldo Montoya/ Justin Credible and we had the pleasure to get SHOVED out of the way by Justin during our ECW excursion. We know FOR FACT that Justin is NOT THAT TALL. He carried a big stick though so we weren't going to say much to him.)

Anyways on Heat, X-Pac challenged UT to a match and said, 'I challenge you.. I'm not saying I'll beat you but DX never backs down..' X-Pac, I guess you should have just cut to the chase and outwardly said, 'Undertaker, I'm gonna fight you and I know you're going to grind me to a pulp but I'll let you do it.. because DX doesn't chicken out.. I'll get hurt and contorted into a pretzel but… I'll let you do it.. Just tell me when you've had enough..'

Signage (you Texans are feisty):



Gee, I'm really sorry dude. Maybe you should try Hooked on Phonics. Also 'Cat in the Hat' is a good starter book.. just borrow Kane's copy.

Enter the Undertaker. It ALMOST looked like he perhaps layered his hair a little.. was contemplating having bangs. Hell, I don't blame him after he had that life and death struggle with his frizzies about two weeks ago. But remember, bangs never work for men. It's not the 60's anymore. And the 'Caesar' look is over, look at what it did to George Clooney's career.

Anyways, it's barely a minute into the match and Undertaker is taking it to the little Pac. The lights go out and Kaney comes in obviously holding something in his hand. X-Pac claws at Undertaker's breasteses area and so UT grabs Pac by the hair ('don't touch the boobs, son') and holds him in front of him while Kane lets out this fireball.. whoa what a belch. He must have had chili. No.. it came out of his hand and depending on the angle, it looked like it got X-Pac's eye. Kaney looks at the fallen X-Pac, tilting his head. 'Did I do a bad??' Poor Kaney, he's quite misunderstood. UT sneaks out of the ring but Kane goes after him.. and uh Kane, don't walk too fast, you might actually catch up to Undertaker.
The lights go back on and you hear a female's high pitched scream of terror. That must have been Billy Gunn. OH! Hey.. he was in the ring (with Road Dogg), helping X-Pac.. it's simple deduction.. you put glimmery boy leg brief + french braid hair + Billy Gunn = high pitched girl wail.
Okay, they've stopped airing the douche chilling Survivor Series commercial, the 'Deadly game' one. Now they have these black and white shots of the participants of the tournament, close-ups of their faces. They should have put in Steve Regal's oh-so-English face, mouth in a grimace, showing nothing but teeth… we need to show a picture to give the full effect…
Mankind enters the arena, confronted by Vinnie Mac who states that he has to defend his Hardcore Championship belt against Kenny Shamrock.. but first he needs a make-over.

There's a flashback from Heat with Val Jerkski Venis saying he had a vasectomy years ago. In the ring, Venis talks about football and then he does this leg jig that football players do when they get the touchdown. The camera pans over to some Dallas Cowboys in the audience laughing.. AT HIM. They had every right. Cause after all, he is Val Idiotski Venis. He took a fatal chance in doing that jig knowing that his bony legs wouldn't withstand the strain. Terri Runnels comes out behind him but he shoos her away.

It's Venis vs. Steve Blackman. Blackman's entrance footage shows him brandishing some mini light sabers that we don't see him use in the ring. Aw come on, bring it to the ring, I feel the force is strong in you.. Blackman enters and runs toward Venis to attempt a kick…. and misses Venis but kicks the turnbuckle. He's mighty lethal to those turnbuckles. What did they ever do to you? Blackman tries to impress us with his 'martial arts,' says Jim Ross. To that, I say, 'HIE-FUCKING-YA!!!' It's still early in the match and Venis is entirely winded.. and is too occupied pulling out his wedgie. His butt was hungry. Blech. Terri returns however, to give Venis a shot to the nuts (really the thigh) and she almost jacks herself up good on those platform barbie slippers. Come on Vinnie, must you have women wearing those things especially if they're going to participate in a stunt??

Anyways, Owen Hart AND the Blue Blazer run in to mug Steve Blackman.. it was a mess. See, Blackman, if you brought the light sabers in, you'd have something to offer your muggers and they would have left you alone. But this is just my theory.

Mankind (who has his shirt on backwards and inside out..) is getting his hair trimmed and he has a lovely conversation with the hairdresser. Mankind says 'perhaps Vince will get me some new teeth.'

'What happened to your other ones?' asked the hairdresser.

Mankind says, 'Austin threw 'em into the crowd.. You know, that Vince is like a big cuddly teddy bear. Sometimes I just wanna go over there and give him a big hug..' Actually Mankind, you're the teddy bear… I think you need a hug. I think I'd have to have Bostin (I'm there!!! ... B.C.) do it though since I'd be too busy hugging Kane. Hey, he needs a friend. Or at least a home cooked meal.
NAO comes out… OH, that doesn't sound right. Actually last night on Heat, they made an adament statement that they LIKE GIRLS… mm… something to prove, aye?? As a matter of fact, Billy Gunn left behind his lip print boy leg briefs and opted for a basic black pair.(writer's note: Uh.. I wonder if Billy Gunn made his way into Mad Phat Wrestling… uh.. I think I better hide out in a safe place.. tell my mommy I have to go out and buy some milk…)
It's a Triple Threat match between Road Dogg, D'Lo Brown and Mosh of the Headbangers. All their significant others are at ringside however.. At one point, D'lo took a slight beating to Dogg and turned his back… so Mosh took the opportunity to try to get a pin .. to which Jim Ross said, 'Mosh is coming through the back door..' OH.. we had no idea.. Just remember Mosh, that area is an exit, not an entrance. But all I can think about is Andy Dick singing, 'Little Brown Ring..'
Am I butt obsessed??

Speaking of, Shane McMahon (who is the referee for this match) has a rather wide ass… at least not movie screen wide… just tv screen wide.

Mosh actually WINS!! But then Billy Gunn has to get in the ring to showboat (by beating on D'Lo and Mark Henry). Hell, Jim Ross did say he was a horse, right?? Naaaay..

Debra McMichael and Jeff Jarrett interview. It's alittle frightening to have the camera guy zoning into McMichael's face.. you know what, I don't think she's got enough make-up on .. better put on another ton of foundation. If anyone saw the movie 'Death Becomes Her', she looks like Meryl Streep at the end of the flick… where she had to wear so much make-up (it was actually acrylic paint) to look ..decent.

Mankind gets a pedicure. Someone shave his feet please.

Goldust vs. Jarrett with McMichaels. Terri comes bouncing out, her nipples leading the way.. Goldust disses her, tells her to 'go back there, get on a jet and get out of my life..' Why a jet?? Why not the seaplane?? A boat? A skooter??

If McMichael's dresses get any shorter, 'it'll be a collar', says Jim Ross. More like a headband… mm, being a child of the 80's… I remember wearing headbands and the imprints they left on my forehead. It was worse if you fell asleep in class with your forehead to your arm and you'd end up with this red blotch on your head.. and to make it worse, you had to have the headband imbedded in there too. The 80's were horrible times.. I mean, look at Flock of the Seagulls.

Debra saves Jarrett from the dreaded kick to the balls from Goldust.. but Goldust made the ultimate sacrifice in taking Debra's face in his hands and pulls her face back alittle. Watch it Goldie, you may have popped some stitches there.. her ear could have popped right off. OH! This enables Jarrett to hit Goldust with that paper guitar. Then Debra pats Jarrett on the tit. Good obedient tit.

Rock gets interviewed by Michael Cole and oh dear, Rock spazzes out again.. he had sunglasses on but I'm sure his eyes were darting every which way and loose. He said, "..that jabroni piece of trash rudy-poo Vince McMahon.." Rudy Poo??? Soon we'll be hearing Rock saying 'you piece of trashy washy… you doodie head.. '

His fingers spazzed .. he was flicking them like he had moist boogers stuck on the ends of them. So he's done speaking and turns and walks into the dressing room right behind him. I think he should have come out and said, 'that's not even my rudy-poo dressing room… ' but if he did that, he would have been run over by 'drive by' Goldust. Goldie ran right by Cole to get at Jarrett… they try to mangle each other.. then the Blue Blazer comes in, takes a few cheap shots and walks off with his wings spread. He should have bounced.. or skipped… it wouldn't embarrass him anymore than what he's doing now..

Meanwhile Goldust and Jarrett are fighting in front of this door with a sign stating: DON'T BLOCK THIS DOOR. Yet they kept blocking the door.. shame on them… is there no ORDER in this world??

Kenny Shamrock walks out to the ring.. scans the audience to find someone who he will allow to yell at him. No one pelted him with their sodas this time.. how about trying some cotton candy next time.. but make sure it'll stick to Kenny's head or something. No.. just kidding. I do not condone pelting wrestlers with ANYTHING…

Mankind enters with a new haircut, wearing a tuxedo and 'Rock-like' slippers… at least he was wearing socks.

During the match, it starts to get carried outside the ring. Kenny takes a deep swig of air and then screams, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!' His panties must have been tighter than usual.. that night in his hotel, he opened the window and threw his panties out… he was liberated. Poor guy, must have been thinking, 'PANTIES…. HURT!!!' Bostin noticed that Kenny was packing … packing quite a bit. Cucumber or eggplant, I ask. Geez, can't you girls give it a rest for just ONE week?!?  And don't look at my eggplant!
Well eventually Kenny gets knocked out by Big Boss Man's stick and Mankind wins the match.. and gets to hug Vince. I don't know but I'd want a better prize.. perhaps one of those sweepstakes where you get a 1 to 1,454,364 chance to win 1cent. I'd much prefer that.

The Rock's been attacked!! The Rock's been attacked!!!

I don't know man, but I think the Rock was attacked. (Do you think the Rock was attacked? ... B.C.) Michael Cole says, 'Rock suffered a severe blow..' I figure Rock would enjoy that more than complain about it. OH!! But I wonder what specifically would distinguish it between a severe blow and just a regular blow. (I'm gonna get in trouble for this, huh?)

Stone Cold enters the ring wearing his little jean shorts.. talking about Vinnie Mac of course.. ' ssssssit back there..' Hey, he's really the rattlesnake.. But the Boss Man comes out to have a little chat with Austin and BOY, the Boss Man has speech problems. Okay, he's most likely got a redder neck and definitely a thicker twang in his voice than Austin does. Bossman says, 'Back up JACK..' Yo dude, his name is Steve.
Boss man says, 'Vinnie pays for my services…' (we reply, 'mmmmmm') '.. and we're gonna be kickin' your ass, beatin' every butt in your body…' (pause) … I don't know how many butts Steve has.. it may be a little flat and is the whitest part of his whole body but.. we have to rewind to hear it again.. '…beatin' every bun in your body..' (pause) …. That's even worse… I know I know.. he said 'every bone in your body..' but hey.. we don't let ANYONE get away with anything..

My, the Bossman got all winded and sweaty just from talking.. I hope he never has to fight the Rock. With both of them sweating in the ring, it's gonna be like a tsunami hit…

Then Boss Man attempts to say 'law, order and justice' and this is basically how it drawled out, 'LORANORRERANJUSSIS'. It's kinda like trying to figure out music lyrics yourself.. (or are we just so demented we just want to hear what we want to hear..). For example, there's an Alice in Chains song where the lyrics go, 'My body's breathing its dieing breath..' but we always seem to hear, 'My butt is breathing its dieing breath….' What kind of sound does the butt make when it's dieing? 'PPPHhhhhhttttttttssss….'

Boss Man spoke so hard, the drool was hanging onto his bottom lip for dear life. And here we notice that Austin has back hair sticking out of his tee shirt. Last week it was earlobe hair.. now it's backhair. What's next? Eyeball hair?? Lip hair??
Boss Man had a great finishing line.. he tells Austin (most likely in frustration that he couldn't pronounce some words correctly), 'At Survivor Series, you're gonna pay, you DUMB ASS!!' Equally as effective would have been to say, 'YOU JERK!!' 'YOU BAD PERSON!' 'YOU'RE FUNNY LOOKIN'!'

Austin gets to drink a whole can of beer then.. and stumbles around the ring a little. And I thought he could handle his beer. Soon he'll have to downsize the alcohol content to coolers. Or cough medicine.

Medics are STILL tending to the Rock.. they could have bandaged his head like a mummy by now.

Al Snow vs Tiger Ali Singh. Damn, Ali Singh's eyes are way too close together. I bet you could use just one finger and be able to poke BOTH eyes at the same time. Of course if his 'character' was better, we wouldn't notice these physical faults. Or if he was a better actor..

Anyways, Ali says he doesn't want to wrestle Snow because he's a shitzophrenic.. Al's reaction was more like, 'HEY.. that hurt man..' so he has BA BOO fight him. Debra McMichael comes out to molest Head.. therefore distracting Al and he loses the match.. shucks. Why should Al still be jobbing?? He's much better than that. (yes, I'm kissing butt, I know Al is a good friend of Glen Jacobs and Bostin would also like a grab at Al herself.. so we would all benefit from kissing ass…) (Awww... at least a hug, or a pat on the head -- Al's head-- heck, I'd settle for a wave... B.C.) WHAT in the H E L L  is going on here!?!?
But damn, the way McMichael was cradling Head, she looked like Joan Crawford in 'Whatever Happened to Baby Jane'. Scary. And not much scares me. Except for Kenny Shamrock running after me screaming, 'YOU'RE A BULLY!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!'

A segment of Sable working out.. she was working on sticking her butt out.. must be training to give the Sable Bomb.. if you know what I mean…

Update on the Rock's condition. The medics are STILL tending to him. I think they could have given him a CAT-scan by now.. he could have written that novel he's always wanted to by now..

Kane vs. Edge with the rest of his brood. Gangrel comes out from beneath the ramp, laughing like Mr. Ed.. uh-HUR.… DER. Kane comes out with a canister of .. gasoline, they say. It was probably his soup. As the camera tries to get a good shot of the canister, I of course get a good view of his crotch. I think WWF has been distributing some larger cups.. not only Kenny was packing but so was Kane.. definitely an eggplant.

We see a flashback of Kane almost choke slamming Marlena last week.. and WHOA, Kane's hand was REALLY IN Marlena's ass… he practically speared her!!! (He was all up in that ... B.C.) The hand was in there like a THONG! OOOH OOOH, Mr. Kane, choke slam me PLEEEASE, oh pleeeeeease.. choke slam me…

Sorry, I've become a sniveling wimp to my libido.

Anyways, of course Kane dominated the match.. he picked Edge up by his chin and there's a LOT there to pick up with much left over. Poor Kane, he ain't got nobody. So he has his fun by kicking Edge's ass. Ross said something about, '..when Kane was a pup…' We'd say he must have been about 6 feet weighing a measly 250 pounds then.

Kane's package was pointing 12 o'clock high by the way… OH!!

Kane took to flying off the ropes again. He also flipped himself backwards on the rope to land on the outside of the ring.. now if WE were to attempt this feat, we would JACK ourselves up ridiculously.. I certainly wouldn't land on my feet let alone OUTSIDE the ring. My feet would basically be in my nose or something… my knees in my ear.. as I remain cocooned in the ring ropes..

Kane then jumped onto the steel steps and took a flying leap at Edge. My.. he's spry.. but alas, the Brood attempts to attack him all at once.. Yo guys, WATCH THE BREASTS!!! They were probably jealous of his massive chest muscles and thought maybe if they beat on it some.. it would perhaps deflate alittle. BUT HA!! You failed!!

Instead they ALL get choke slammed.. (no hand in butt cleavage though..) (whew.. a sigh of relief) and he gathers them in a pile (and why the hell not, put the ref in there too..) and he gets the canister and pours the 'gasoline' over them. Well.. we know it was just water.. how'd he expect to light a bonfire after dousing them with water?? He needs some guidance. See, what he really wanted to do was have a weeny roast.. Gangrel is like those hot dogs that plump when you cook em.. though I don't know how much more plump he can get..
Camera man again closes in on the canister … and I get another chance to see Kane crotch.. Thank you Mr. Camera person…

Kane goes into the audience where a 'spectator' gets choke slammed. Maybe the 'actor' was really his cousin or something… 'hey Cuz… well, I'm gonna slam you now.. but meet me at the diner afterwards, yes?? And what's with the Coolio braids in your hair…' Poor Kane.. he's so misguided, he can't even get to his locker room the right way. A few people managed to slap him on the arm.. a young girl touched him and screamed in excitement. Now you ALL know that if I was in there, this suction force would attach my body to his. I'd be on his chest like a bra.. on his head like a hat.. on his leg like stockings… on his butt like a panty. You get the idea.

Vinnie asks the Rock to come out.. Vinnie, I don't think the Rock swings that way.. you're in for a disappointment. By the way, did the Rock eat all the donuts he had last week (you know, the ones he was going to offer the police..)

Shane comes out.. Vinnie sics Boss Man on his own son… 'sic em boy.. get 'im…' But Austin runs in to save Shane (aw) and the Boss Man is so irate that he has a spazz attack. He grabs the top rope and shakes it for all its worth.. at the same time, shaking himself for all its worth.. he almost pulled a John Belushi (in which he gets so excited he falls backwards in a heap..)

Mark Henry enters the ring.. and I think the WWF DID supply larger cups for its workers.. even Henry was hanging low.. and I really did NOT want to see this.. did NOT want to see this. I'm so traumatized now that I'm repeating myself… I'm repeating myself.. this could cost thousands of dollars in therapy now.. Are you all happy??? Happy???

Rock walks down the ramp like a crab (he was walking sideways). Actually he looked rather drunk. Ah, he didn't get his head knocked about backstage.. he was out drinking with Hawk.




Look at choo, you're getting all your catch phrases mixed up. You should have gone all out and wrote:


Whew.. that would have been a large sign..

Mark Henry is giving The Rock a bear hug and Rock tries to counterattack using the People's Armpit. With all that sweating the Rock does it's a pretty lethal armpit. Ain't no bouquet of roses there…

Big Boss Man tries to handcuff Rock but the dope handcuffs himself. Boss Man tried to get out of his predicament by SCREAMING at the cuffs. Obviously it didn't work. I wonder why he didn't just use his keys. Mm.

The ref gets knocked out… Rock covers Henry for the win.. Shane runs in… counts and the Rock is victorious..

Shane spazzes out (there was quite a bit of spazzing on this show) while he's headed back to the dressing room. He's hopping around, arms raised … he could have poinked around like Daffy Duck does. Then I think his dad would have been so amazed.. he would finally be proud of him.. T O U C H D O W N !!!!!!!
Rock attacks Vinnie.. and the Rock's eyeballs look like they're about to pop out of his head.. DAMN.. be careful there sonny.. You don't wanna lose those… don't want them flying out of their sockets and into anybody's mouth either.

So Chokee signs off… keeping mouth firmly closed.

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