By Chokee Slam
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November 16, 1998

First flubbery in signage:


Know what? I know 2 + 2 is 4 but don't try to get any more information out of me. I'll tell you now, it's a mute effort. Of course this was part of a multiple person sign and y'all know how we like to point out flubberies.

Vinnie Mac enters with his posse which of course, includes Shane McMahon now. We all know what happened the night before at Survivor Series. Shane turned heel and is back in the cradle with a silver spoon with Papa.




Maybe the person holding this sign didn't watch the event.. this person should have made up new signs already like 'The Corporate Champion', 'The Corporate Elbow', or 'DIE ROCK DIE!' You're lagging behind a day, fella.

As Vinnie Mac is revelling in his glory of getting one over on Stone Cold, we catch sight of Gomez Addams in the audience. Or it could have been Robert Goulet. This person didn't move much so we imagined that he was just a cardboard cut-out.
So many signs at this event:





I know my damn toes. There's the big damn toe, the damn pinky.. and the three damn toes in the middle that refuse to move individually. I mean if you try to move the ring toe, ALL of them have to move along. If there is anyone in this world that can flip the toe (like flipping the bird), I would truly be amazed. I think we'd be able to take this act on the road.. I see dollar signs…

Vinnie introduces the Rock who is greeted with the roundhouse of boos. Vinnie states that the Rock has never been the People's Champion, he's always been HIS champion. Vinnie should have said, 'didn't you know that you're my hero.. you are the wind beneath my wings..'

Multiple Signage Gone Wrong again:


Actually what it said was 'KNOW YOUR ROLE JABRONI' but someone's big head was blocking 'Jabroni' and we thought a Jarrett fan had devised covert operations to sabotage the multiple person sign. Which of course made us realize how fun it would actually be to do this. A sign could be made of :


..and this person can stand before Mr. "KNOW" and just ruin their message.

So Vinnie talks about poor gullible Mankind. "You wanna talk make-over? You can't shine ca-ca." I'd like to make a bold and controversial statement to Vinnie Mac….. YOU'RE MEAN!!! Mankind was cute with his make-over but you didn't have to show the hairy feet again. If you tried one of Jenny Jones make-overs, Mankind would have gotten a designer dress with a trailer park bob cut with a lacquer of hairspray.

Austin made his way into the ring. Jim Ross said that Vinnie had 'a ring full of protection though' (with Big Boss Man and Rock and the Stooges..) but we ask, did he have condoms, BCP, diaphragm (a HUGE one because Austin is a LARGE man with jelly roll and when that jelly roll squirts, you should at LEAST have an umbrella).

Ah well this was basically just a set-up for Austin to get a title shot at The Rock with the assistance of Judge Mills Lane, a man who reads his cue cards pretty well. Vinnie Mac obviously didn't like this at all and spazzed a bit .. he started walking like a wind-up toy. Slightly disturbing in the professional wrestling world of action figures and comic book-like characters.

NAO with X-Pac enters the ring. Baaa'd Ass Billy Goat took the french braids out of his hair and got himself a new pair of boy leg briefs. The ass section is cut out and replaced with some sheer old lady support hose material. You know the kind.. like the knee-hi's that roll down to the ankles.. my grandma used to hold them up using rubberbands, donchaknow.

Road Dogg takes the mic and screams, 'CUT THE MUSIC!' Yo dude, if you didn't like the music, why'd you choose to use it?? Dogg gives the typical speech, and Baaa'd Ass does the follow-up, 'if you're not down with it…we've got two words for ya..' and this is where he got a little too hyper. An aneurysm was soon to come.. eventually the veins would pop out in his head and throughout his whole body and poof.. anyone remember the sci-fi flick, 'Scanners'? Perhaps the more contemporary sequel, 'Scanner Cop'. Perhaps 'Scanner Dog'? Or 'I Was a Teenage Scanner'.

They fight against The Oddities with ICP. We catch sight of someone in the audience yawning. Yes, that about sums up our reaction.

BUT HEY, during the match, Kurgen and Baaa'd Ass lock up and Billy Ass gets pushes up against the turnbuckles so they have to break it up. Then Kurgen TOTALLY felt up Billy's body.. well, more like Kurgen's hands rubbed downward on Billy's chest.. it was COMPLETELY a come-on, a bonafide RUB. Kurgen then proceeds to DANCE for Billy. If Billy was actually sitting down in the ring, a lap dance would have definitely been next. I don't know.. this is highly suspicious. Of course we all know the very suspicious Heat episode where NAO had to make a solid point to the audience that they LIKE WOMEN.

Ah well.. X-Pac didn't even make it into the ring. I think he was afraid of getting too close to Kurgen OR Billy Gunn. Basically, NAO started and completed the match AND THEN X-pac comes in, arms raised, 'I WON!' Boy, he's good. I assume he had a rough time with Regal the night before..

Mankind enters the arena and blabbers on about getting Vince.. and I think he said 'konichiwa'. Ah well, Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.. (that was a retarded song).

Vinnie is in the dressing room with his posse.. he tells Patterson to find Mankind. Off went Patterson.

Kenny Shamrock enters the ring to tell the audience a few things. Jim Ross states that he's dressed and ready to compete. We should hope so.. it might be a little awkward if he came out naked to compete. Though I suppose some females may not mind it at all.. and they would feel that they were getting their money's worth. And we could see if he's truly packing or stuffed.

Can we make a plea to the WWF.. that Kenny should not speak. He took the mic and I know that I had stated before that he needs to take lessons on how to speak in a more gruff tone.. cuz he sounds like a 3 year old. Well.. he was trying.. he's a trooper, that guy.. the tone was lower.. but now he just sounds like an 8 year old who is trying to sound like an adult. As soon as Kenny said, 'First of all..' and he sounded like a drag queen, I was on the floor laughing to DEATH.. tears were streaming out of my eyes. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry Kenny.. it was too funny and I don't imagine you meant to be funny but… but… (*putting my hand over your mouth*) don't speak.. don't speak. ... don't speak.
He made a flub worthy of the Dean Malenko award.. 'I'd rather be fighting than talking but it seems to me this is the only way I'm gonna get my point acrossed.' Sigh.. Kenny… (*putting hand over mouth*) Don't speak…. Don't speak…

Val Venis comes out, shaking his hands like he's got moist boogers to fling off them. For some reason, the camera manages to find women who look interested in him. I think they're plants. I'd like to be a plant (cause I heard you get free pizza afterwards… and of course maybe a nice hug from a wrestler of your choice.. I wouldn't mind just playing Twister with Kane.. and the pizza is always a plus). IF the cameras tried to get a shot of our reaction to Venis, we would look downright uninterested or plain ole horrified (like Steven Regal's expression..)

Venis vs. Mark Henry. As they wrestle, Skeletor comes out onto the ramp. I meant Chyna. DAMN, what happened to her? I know she went to get some reconstructive surgery but she looks like a skull now.. we were really disturbed by it. Her nose is like Michael Jackson's.. her cheeks are protruding, lips are turned up a bit like the Joker, her entire face looks pinched.. It was a BAD job.. and to top it off, your roots were growing out... Girl, you got fucked up! But don't take our word for it…
We catch sight of Austin backstage making himself a little cup of coffee and NEWSFLASH, Austin uses EQUAL sweetener. Watching your diet, eh? Come on, don't pretend that you don't have a box of Entenmann's donuts on the side. And we want some..

Patterson says he can't find the boiler room. Hell, he never found his speech therapist so how the hell is he gonna find a boiler room. Crisco then makes the attempt.

GoldUst and Steve Blackman vs. Jeff Jarrett and the Blue Bamboozla.. the Blue Blazer.. AH.. let's get right down to it. It's the Brooklyn Brawler (we SHALL keep the name of Brooklyn Brawler ALIVE, I tell you.. you will always remember the name… sssssss….Brooklyn Brawler). Blazer wrestles with the cape on?? You could strangle yourself with that. When I was younger, kids used to tell me that if you had really long hair, you stand a chance of strangling yourself with it during sleep. Hell, I remember the Ingalls kids (Half Pint and Mary) who lived in that Little House on the Prairie, wearing those suffocating bonnets during their slumber. I'm surprised THEY weren't found with the bonnets engulfing their whole heads therefore … death by asphixiation by morn.

Jim Ross says that 'Jarrett and Debra McMichael make a good team'. I guess they do.. I mean, she's the tit and he's the boob. OH!

Blackman actually wins the match! HE WON A MATCH!!! HE WON A MATCH!!! He's SOMEBODY NOW!! Things are going to start happening to him noooow. Anyways, he asks the audience if he should take the mask off the Boo Blazer… why don't you take a poll for crying out loud. You waited long enough.. in time for Owen to run into the ring to mug Blackman. This is about the fifth mugging of Blackman. I don't think he's taking precautionary measures. Remember to keep your purse by your side and closed at all times.
So Crisco found the boiler room, but he heard scary sounds.. did it sound anything like Kenny's speaking voice? OH! So Commissioner Slaughter gives it a try… and is unsuccessful. All the while, I see Shane sitting on the couch and his pointer finger is having an erection. Basically it's just pointing straight out.. I have suffered this dilemma previously. It's just a lack of blood flowing to the digit.. and it kinda falls asleep I suppose (Well, technically, that's the opposite of an erection, yah? ... B.C.). What's worse is when my lips fall asleep.. they're pursed.. and if I walk around like that, I'm just asking to get smooched. Or popped.
Steve Regal vs Godfather who has the skankiest girls EVER. They really didn't need to start jiggling their flabby asses to the camera either.. and rubbing on their flapjack breasts. OH! Godfather was playing dress-up this time. 'He looks like a pumpkin', says Frank N. Steiner. (Which one, Godfather or Regal? … B.C.) I thought he looked like the Leprechaun..
Godfather offers Regal the girls but Regal looked more like, 'Am I supposed to ACT like these girls are enticing?' So, like having sex with someone you don't find attractive, you have to think about OTHER things that get you excited. Regal was thinking about a mammoth steak and some kidney pie. And maybe X-Pac. OH!

There's a sign by his head (in the background) though:



Had too much Raisin Bran I reckon. Actually two beef patties is enough to cause the ultimate royal rumble (or quake) hence needing an exuberant amount of toilet paper.

Regal takes the broads and Godfather quotes Archie Bunker 'England ain't nothing but a place full of fags..' Cigarettes?? Yeah, I guess they do. I think China has more smokers though. But I guess Virginia is the ciggie state. So Regal just HAS to make that digusted English face again, runs to Godfather to duke it out but gets tackled, falls down and couldn't get up (plus he didn't have one of those things). A 90 lb ref was able to keep him on the ground and basically he flailed around like a helpless bug.. a turtle. I can see Regal's career skyrocketting… Downwards.

Meanwhile something is going on outside with Kane. He's still gone rogue. He chokeslams a technician dude. They probably filmed this sequence the night before and while they were showing this on Raw, Glen Jacobs was actually with his family, having dinner.. wearing open toe slippers around the house.. surfing the internet?? (Gulp..)
Shamrock vs. Big Boss Man. The announcer should have screamed, 'THE BIG … FAT ASS!' Actually he's not THAT fat. As a matter of fact, we commend him on losing weight.. but remember, we pounce on anything we possibly can because we are of low self esteem….

Kenny is still packing.. and loaded. Hell, he's got 4 kids… he shoots like a Gatling gun. So Kenny and Big Bus Man beat on each other and eventually on the ref as well, which cued the organization of refs to run in to separate them. They all swarm over poor Kenny like bees (hey if their outfits were black and yellow, not black and white) and poor Kenny SCREAMS (he's like a cornered animal…). Vinnie and Shane enter to try to make everything right with the world. Vinnie tries to sooth the not-so- sharpened knife Kenny but Kenny just manages to look confused and hypnotized. Vinnie tries to talk to him about family, the corporation, home. Kenny's eyes meander .. he looks lost.. 'hoooome… cor por a tion….' But truly, we think Kenny gives in to join the 'corporation' because they offered him a Milk Bone… 'Milk……Bone….'

A few autograph seekers confront the rogue Kane … and he takes one of them and presses him up against the wall.. Looked like he was about to kiss him. Hey.. I'll settle for that instead of an autograph! But Kaney had to let the guy go, the coppers were coming. I think they came to look for the Rock though.. cause they wanted more donuts and the Rock has donuts, ya know.
Brood enters the ring. Now I know I don't condone pelting wrestlers with anything but here's a thought for the Brood. How about throwing garlic at them to see if they whither and steam or something. Even a long loaf of garlic bread would be fine.. powdered garlic?? Garlic pills?

It's Edge and Gangreen (okay, okay, Gangrel..) vs. LOD. During the match, Hawk comes out and starts climbing the Titantron scaffolding. So Droz and Animal cease wrestling to find out what's going on. But we get entirely distracted from Droz' HUGE belly button!! I mean, the Grand Canyon! It's a BLOW HOLE!! Damn, from the looks of it, we'd think that he gave birth! WOW, Droz is some odd species. He's got feet like flippers and a blowhole (that looked like it was getting bigger and bigger by the minute)..

Then this bald dude (whoooo is this guy?) comes out to convince Hawk to get off the scaffolding. Good thing JR told us who he was: Paul Ellering.. former manager for LOD. At this point, we figure all of Hawk's past acquaintances should have come out and given him a 'this is your life' segment. Perhaps his third grade teacher, his mother, that little buck-toothed kid with the upsetting bowlcut sitting in the back seat of the class that smeared a trail of mucous and boogers on his desk… that you didn't like but would be your klingon and hang around you no matter how many times you mushed him in the face to leave you alone. Remember.. oh wait, that was Animal.

Well it looked like Droz was motioning for Hawk to take a leap. He gesticulated, 'I'll catch you!' I think Hawk should have gave one last violent, drunk hiccup and then hiccupped backwards off the titantron.. but that's my version and I'm a sick little thing. Anyways, Droz climbed up and pushed Hawk off onto the cushions behind the screen.. and then someone threw a mannequin down so that its shadow was seen plummetting to the ground on the titantron. The WWF has a lot of class you know..

Animal, you should have told the truth to Hawk that he IS your true love!

Sable enters… has her moment to whine.

We see Patterson, Crisco and Slaughter in the boiler room trying to find Mankind. Slaughter has army fatigues and the others are wearing football gear. 'Miiiick… we love you..' Aw.. we love him too. Mankind emerges from somewhere and starts wailing on the three goons by hitting them over their helmets with a garbage can lid. I think that would really really …. hurt… yeah…

Lawler screams, 'Retreat! Retreat!!' Silly.

Shane, Vinnie, Boss Man and Kenny comes out. While Vinnie is yapping, Shane whispers something into Kenny's ear to which Kenny nods his head. Kenny's thoughts: 'Mm? Whut? .. oh okay.. cool.. I'm getting a cookie.. they'll take me out for a walk after this segment is over..'

We see that for Kenny's induction into the corporation, they've given him a brand new pair of jams. But they can't even give him a shirt to match those jams? Not even an Undertaker floppy hat?? What a gyp.

Rock vs. Austin.

We see the Multiple Person Signage again but with a fatal error:

No, I have a new jabroni to get to know..

Yo Stevie, you keep forgetting to tan the inner region of your legs. When you bend over, we see white patches.. but uh.. keep bending over regardless. Damn, the hormones are kicking.

The Rock clotheslines Austin into the audience. Man, I would have taken the opportunity to do something.. take a full on boob or butt grab.. even the kneecap or something.. or screamed, 'EXCUSE ME MR. COLD, MAY I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH??'

SEEEE?!?  We're not making these up!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
One point, while Rock has Austin in a headlock, Lawler screams, 'Squeeze him.. squeeze his head like a pimple!!' Yo Lawler.. have you been to this site?? Can you perhaps email and say HI? At least?? Please? I promise I won't tell anyone if you take me across the border… OH.. there I think I just ruined all chances of correspondence.

Mankind comes running out hoping to get a grab at Vinnie. Boss Man holds him back and Kenny stands there looking at Mankind like, 'Heeeey… I know you…What are you doing on the floor with that load on top of you??'

UT comes out with a shovel. My goodness, it's getting to be a mess. He hits Austin with the shovel… and we see that UT had a nugget in his .. area.. mm… back to the smaller cups??


I will petition for the larger cups again. This is Chokee Slam.

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