By Chokee Slam
|November 16, 1998
First flubbery in signage:
Know what? I know 2 + 2 is 4 but
don't try to get any more information out of me. I'll tell you now, it's a mute effort. Of
course this was part of a multiple person sign and y'all know how we like to point out
Vinnie Mac enters with his posse which of course,
includes Shane McMahon now. We all know what happened the night before at Survivor Series.
Shane turned heel and is back in the cradle with a silver spoon with Papa.
|DO YOU SMELL
WHAT THE ROCK
Maybe the person holding this sign
didn't watch the event.. this person should have made up new signs already like 'The
Corporate Champion', 'The Corporate Elbow', or 'DIE ROCK DIE!' You're lagging behind a
|As Vinnie Mac is revelling in his glory of getting
one over on Stone Cold, we catch sight of Gomez Addams in the audience. Or it could have
been Robert Goulet. This person didn't move much so we imagined that he was just a
|So many signs at this event:
I know my damn toes. There's the big
damn toe, the damn pinky.. and the three damn toes in the middle that refuse to move
individually. I mean if you try to move the ring toe, ALL of them have to move along. If
there is anyone in this world that can flip the toe (like flipping the bird), I would
truly be amazed. I think we'd be able to take this act on the road.. I see dollar
Vinnie introduces the Rock who is greeted with the
roundhouse of boos. Vinnie states that the Rock has never been the People's Champion, he's
always been HIS champion. Vinnie should have said, 'didn't you know that you're my hero..
you are the wind beneath my wings..'
Multiple Signage Gone Wrong again:
Actually what it said was 'KNOW YOUR
ROLE JABRONI' but someone's big head was blocking 'Jabroni' and we thought a Jarrett fan
had devised covert operations to sabotage the multiple person sign. Which of course made
us realize how fun it would actually be to do this. A sign could be made of :
..and this person can stand before
Mr. "KNOW" and just ruin their message.
So Vinnie talks about poor gullible Mankind.
"You wanna talk make-over? You can't shine ca-ca." I'd like to make a bold and
controversial statement to Vinnie Mac
.. YOU'RE MEAN!!! Mankind was cute with his
make-over but you didn't have to show the hairy feet again. If you tried one of Jenny
Jones make-overs, Mankind would have gotten a designer dress with a trailer park bob cut
with a lacquer of hairspray.
Austin made his way into the ring. Jim Ross said
that Vinnie had 'a ring full of protection though' (with Big Boss Man and Rock and the
Stooges..) but we ask, did he have condoms, BCP, diaphragm (a HUGE one because Austin is a
LARGE man with jelly roll and when that jelly roll squirts, you should at LEAST have an
Ah well this was basically just a set-up for Austin
to get a title shot at The Rock with the assistance of Judge Mills Lane, a man who reads
his cue cards pretty well. Vinnie Mac obviously didn't like this at all and spazzed a bit
.. he started walking like a wind-up toy. Slightly disturbing in the professional
wrestling world of action figures and comic book-like characters.
NAO with X-Pac enters the ring. Baaa'd Ass Billy
Goat took the french braids out of his hair and got himself a new pair of boy leg briefs.
The ass section is cut out and replaced with some sheer old lady support hose material.
You know the kind.. like the knee-hi's that roll down to the ankles.. my grandma used to
hold them up using rubberbands, donchaknow.
Road Dogg takes the mic and screams, 'CUT THE
MUSIC!' Yo dude, if you didn't like the music, why'd you choose to use it?? Dogg gives the
typical speech, and Baaa'd Ass does the follow-up, 'if you're not down with it
got two words for ya..' and this is where he got a little too hyper. An aneurysm was soon
to come.. eventually the veins would pop out in his head and throughout his whole body and
poof.. anyone remember the sci-fi flick, 'Scanners'? Perhaps the more contemporary sequel,
'Scanner Cop'. Perhaps 'Scanner Dog'? Or 'I Was a Teenage Scanner'.
They fight against The Oddities with ICP. We catch
sight of someone in the audience yawning. Yes, that about sums up our reaction.
BUT HEY, during the match, Kurgen and Baaa'd Ass
lock up and Billy Ass gets pushes up against the turnbuckles so they have to break it up.
Then Kurgen TOTALLY felt up Billy's body.. well, more like Kurgen's hands rubbed downward
on Billy's chest.. it was COMPLETELY a come-on, a bonafide RUB. Kurgen then proceeds to
DANCE for Billy. If Billy was actually sitting down in the ring, a lap dance would have
definitely been next. I don't know.. this is highly suspicious. Of course we all know the
very suspicious Heat episode where NAO had to make a solid point to the audience that they
Ah well.. X-Pac didn't even make it into the ring. I
think he was afraid of getting too close to Kurgen OR Billy Gunn. Basically, NAO started
and completed the match AND THEN X-pac comes in, arms raised, 'I WON!' Boy, he's good. I
assume he had a rough time with Regal the night before..
Mankind enters the arena and blabbers on about
getting Vince.. and I think he said 'konichiwa'. Ah well, Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.. (that
was a retarded song).
Vinnie is in the dressing room with his posse.. he
tells Patterson to find Mankind. Off went Patterson.
Kenny Shamrock enters the ring to tell the audience
a few things. Jim Ross states that he's dressed and ready to compete. We should hope so..
it might be a little awkward if he came out naked to compete. Though I suppose some
females may not mind it at all.. and they would feel that they were getting their money's
worth. And we could see if he's truly packing or stuffed.
|Can we make a plea to the WWF.. that Kenny should
not speak. He took the mic and I know that I had stated before that he needs to take
lessons on how to speak in a more gruff tone.. cuz he sounds like a 3 year old. Well.. he was
trying.. he's a trooper, that guy.. the tone was lower.. but now he just sounds like an 8
year old who is trying to sound like an adult. As soon as Kenny said, 'First of all..' and he sounded like a drag queen, I was on the
floor laughing to DEATH.. tears were streaming out of my eyes. I couldn't help it. I'm
sorry Kenny.. it was too funny and I don't imagine you meant to be funny but
(*putting my hand over your mouth*) don't speak.. don't
|He made a flub worthy of the Dean
Malenko award.. 'I'd rather be fighting than talking but it seems to me this is the only
way I'm gonna get my point acrossed.' Sigh.. Kenny
(*putting hand over mouth*) Don't
. Don't speak
comes out, shaking his hands like he's got moist boogers to fling off them. For some
reason, the camera manages to find women who look interested in him. I think they're
plants. I'd like to be a plant (cause I heard you get free pizza afterwards
course maybe a nice hug from a wrestler of your choice.. I wouldn't mind just playing
Twister with Kane.. and the pizza is always a plus). IF the cameras tried to get a shot of
our reaction to Venis, we would look downright uninterested or plain ole horrified (like
Steven Regal's expression..)
|Venis vs. Mark Henry. As they wrestle, Skeletor
comes out onto the ramp. I meant Chyna. DAMN, what happened to her? I know she went to get
some reconstructive surgery but she looks like a skull now.. we were really disturbed by
it. Her nose is like Michael Jackson's.. her cheeks are protruding, lips are turned up a
bit like the Joker, her entire face looks pinched.. It was a BAD job.. and to top it off,
your roots were growing out... Girl, you got fucked up! But don't take our word for
|We catch sight of Austin backstage
making himself a little cup of coffee and NEWSFLASH, Austin uses EQUAL sweetener. Watching
your diet, eh? Come on, don't pretend that you don't have a box of Entenmann's donuts on
the side. And we want some..
he can't find the boiler room. Hell, he never found his speech therapist so how the hell
is he gonna find a boiler room. Crisco then makes the attempt.
GoldUst and Steve Blackman vs. Jeff Jarrett and the
Blue Bamboozla.. the Blue Blazer.. AH.. let's get right down to it. It's the Brooklyn
Brawler (we SHALL keep the name of Brooklyn Brawler ALIVE, I tell you.. you will always
remember the name
.Brooklyn Brawler). Blazer wrestles with the cape
on?? You could strangle yourself with that. When I was younger, kids used to tell me that
if you had really long hair, you stand a chance of strangling yourself with it during
sleep. Hell, I remember the Ingalls kids (Half Pint and Mary) who lived in that Little
House on the Prairie, wearing those suffocating bonnets during their slumber. I'm
surprised THEY weren't found with the bonnets engulfing their whole heads therefore
death by asphixiation by morn.
Jim Ross says that 'Jarrett and Debra McMichael make
a good team'. I guess they do.. I mean, she's the tit and he's the boob. OH!
|Blackman actually wins the match! HE WON A MATCH!!!
HE WON A MATCH!!! He's SOMEBODY NOW!! Things are going to start happening to him noooow.
Anyways, he asks the audience if he should take the mask off the Boo Blazer
don't you take a poll for crying out loud. You waited long enough.. in time for Owen to
run into the ring to mug Blackman. This is about the fifth mugging of Blackman. I don't
think he's taking precautionary measures. Remember to keep your purse by your side and
closed at all times.
|So Crisco found the boiler room, but he
heard scary sounds.. did it sound anything like Kenny's speaking voice? OH! So
Commissioner Slaughter gives it a try
and is unsuccessful. All the while, I see
Shane sitting on the couch and his pointer finger is having an erection. Basically it's
just pointing straight out.. I have suffered this dilemma previously. It's just a lack of
blood flowing to the digit.. and it kinda falls asleep I suppose (Well, technically, that's the opposite of an erection, yah? ... B.C.). What's worse is when my lips fall asleep.. they're
pursed.. and if I walk around like that, I'm just asking to get smooched. Or popped.
|Steve Regal vs Godfather who has the skankiest
girls EVER. They really didn't need to start jiggling their flabby asses to the camera
either.. and rubbing on their flapjack breasts. OH! Godfather was playing dress-up this
time. 'He looks like a pumpkin', says Frank N. Steiner. (Which one, Godfather or Regal?
B.C.) I thought he looked like the Leprechaun..
|Godfather offers Regal the girls but
Regal looked more like, 'Am I supposed to ACT like these girls are enticing?' So, like
having sex with someone you don't find attractive, you have to think about OTHER things
that get you excited. Regal was thinking about a mammoth steak and some kidney pie. And
maybe X-Pac. OH!
There's a sign by his head
(in the background) though:
Had too much Raisin Bran I reckon.
Actually two beef patties is enough to cause the ultimate royal rumble (or quake) hence
needing an exuberant amount of toilet paper.
Regal takes the broads and Godfather quotes Archie
Bunker 'England ain't nothing but a place full of fags..' Cigarettes?? Yeah, I guess they
do. I think China has more smokers though. But I guess Virginia is the ciggie state. So
Regal just HAS to make that digusted English face again, runs to Godfather to duke it out
but gets tackled, falls down and couldn't get up (plus he didn't have one of those
things). A 90 lb ref was able to keep him on the ground and basically he flailed around
like a helpless bug.. a turtle. I can see Regal's career skyrocketting
|Meanwhile something is going on outside with Kane.
He's still gone rogue. He chokeslams a technician dude. They probably filmed this sequence
the night before and while they were showing this on Raw, Glen Jacobs was actually with
his family, having dinner.. wearing open toe slippers around the house.. surfing the
|Shamrock vs. Big Boss Man. The
announcer should have screamed, 'THE BIG
FAT ASS!' Actually he's not THAT fat. As a
matter of fact, we commend him on losing weight.. but remember, we pounce on anything we
possibly can because we are of low self esteem
Kenny is still packing.. and loaded. Hell, he's got 4 kids
like a Gatling gun. So Kenny and Big Bus Man beat on each other and eventually on the ref
as well, which cued the organization of refs to run in to separate them. They all swarm
over poor Kenny like bees (hey if their outfits were black and yellow, not black and
white) and poor Kenny SCREAMS (he's like a cornered animal
). Vinnie and Shane enter
to try to make everything right with the world. Vinnie tries to sooth the not-so-
sharpened knife Kenny but Kenny just manages to look confused and hypnotized. Vinnie tries
to talk to him about family, the corporation, home. Kenny's eyes meander .. he looks
cor por a tion
.' But truly, we think Kenny gives in to join
the 'corporation' because they offered him a Milk Bone
|A few autograph seekers confront the rogue Kane
and he takes one of them and presses him up against the wall.. Looked like he was
about to kiss him. Hey.. I'll settle for that instead of an autograph! But Kaney had to
let the guy go, the coppers were coming. I think they came to look for the Rock though..
cause they wanted more donuts and the Rock has donuts, ya know.
|Brood enters the ring. Now I know I
don't condone pelting wrestlers with anything but here's a thought for the Brood. How
about throwing garlic at them to see if they whither and steam or something. Even a long
loaf of garlic bread would be fine.. powdered garlic?? Garlic pills?
It's Edge and Gangreen (okay, okay, Gangrel..) vs. LOD.
During the match, Hawk comes out and starts climbing the Titantron scaffolding. So Droz
and Animal cease wrestling to find out what's going on. But we get entirely distracted
from Droz' HUGE belly button!! I mean, the Grand Canyon! It's a BLOW HOLE!! Damn, from the
looks of it, we'd think that he gave birth! WOW, Droz is some odd species. He's got feet
like flippers and a blowhole (that looked like it was getting bigger and bigger by the
|Then this bald dude (whoooo is this
guy?) comes out to convince Hawk to get off the scaffolding. Good thing JR told us who he
was: Paul Ellering.. former manager for LOD. At this point, we figure all of Hawk's past
acquaintances should have come out and given him a 'this is your life' segment. Perhaps
his third grade teacher, his mother, that little buck-toothed kid with the upsetting
bowlcut sitting in the back seat of the class that smeared a trail of mucous and boogers
on his desk
that you didn't like but would be your klingon and hang around you no
matter how many times you mushed him in the face to leave you alone. Remember.. oh wait,
that was Animal.
Well it looked like Droz was
motioning for Hawk to take a leap. He gesticulated, 'I'll catch you!' I think Hawk should
have gave one last violent, drunk hiccup and then hiccupped backwards off the titantron..
but that's my version and I'm a sick little thing. Anyways, Droz climbed up and pushed
Hawk off onto the cushions behind the screen.. and then someone threw a mannequin down so
that its shadow was seen plummetting to the ground on the titantron. The WWF has a lot of
class you know..
Animal, you should have told the truth to Hawk that
he IS your true love!
has her moment to whine.
|We see Patterson, Crisco and Slaughter in the
boiler room trying to find Mankind. Slaughter has army fatigues and the others are wearing
football gear. 'Miiiick
we love you..' Aw.. we love him too. Mankind emerges from
somewhere and starts wailing on the three goons by hitting them over their helmets with a
garbage can lid. I think that would really really
Lawler screams, 'Retreat! Retreat!!' Silly.
|Shane, Vinnie, Boss Man and Kenny comes
out. While Vinnie is yapping, Shane whispers something into Kenny's ear to which Kenny
nods his head. Kenny's thoughts: 'Mm? Whut? .. oh okay.. cool.. I'm getting a cookie..
they'll take me out for a walk after this segment is over..'
We see that for Kenny's induction into the corporation,
they've given him a brand new pair of jams. But they can't even give him a shirt to match
those jams? Not even an Undertaker floppy hat?? What a gyp.
Rock vs. Austin.
We see the Multiple Person Signage again but with a
|No, I have a new jabroni to get to know..
Yo Stevie, you keep forgetting to tan the inner region of
your legs. When you bend over, we see white patches.. but uh.. keep bending over
regardless. Damn, the hormones are kicking.
The Rock clotheslines Austin into the audience. Man,
I would have taken the opportunity to do something.. take a full on boob or butt grab..
even the kneecap or something.. or screamed, 'EXCUSE ME MR. COLD, MAY I HAVE YOUR
|One point, while Rock has Austin in a
headlock, Lawler screams, 'Squeeze him.. squeeze his head like a pimple!!' Yo Lawler..
have you been to this site?? Can you perhaps email and say HI? At least?? Please? I
promise I won't tell anyone if you take me across the border
OH.. there I think I
just ruined all chances of correspondence.
comes running out hoping to get a grab at Vinnie. Boss Man holds him back and Kenny stands
there looking at Mankind like, 'Heeeey
I know you
What are you doing on the
floor with that load on top of you??'
UT comes out with a shovel. My goodness, it's
getting to be a mess. He hits Austin with the shovel
and we see that UT had a nugget
in his .. area.. mm
back to the smaller cups??
I will petition for the larger cups again. This is