By Chokee Slam
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November 23, 1998

Since Heat, they've been setting up the malarkey involving Stone Cold's blackout after his match in San Jose, California. This episode opens up with an outside view of the lovely San Jose Medical Center. Jim Ross says, 'Steve Austin WILL be interviewed..'

On with the show. Vinnie and his posse flounce out. Vinnie tries to speak over the LOUDNESS that is his lime green sports jacket and tells the audience that he had nothing to do with the Undertaker hitting Stone Cold with the shovel. Yeah, we know that UT did it because he was tired of Austin taking all his share of the food at the deli tray. Vinnie tells everyone that Sgt. Chin will be stepping aside (his chin will follow five minutes later) to allow for the new commissioner to take over. We catch sight of Slaughter's califlower ears which somewhat directs our attention away from the chin that has consumed his lips.

So Shawn Michaels is the new commissioner. We have to endure seeing him (what some people may call) dancing down the aisle. Yes, he's the boy toy.. he's just a sexy boy. Nice cowboy hat there yippie kay-o kay-ae. Actually Michaels is good as a commentator and wrestler but YO, you can't DANCE! Hopping around isn't really dancing. Either you've got the rhythm or you don't. Try a video tape: 'MTV's the Grind' or Richard Simmons 'Dance to the Oldies'. Anything is a good start. Yo, Cowboy!  You've been riding that horse too long, huh?
Interview with ICP and Oddities. ICP are supposed to wrestle against The Headbangers but they say they're not ready and so the Odd ones have to go to the battlefield. They enter the ring to their entrance music. One part of it sounded like, 'Dumb titty dumb titty titty dumb dumb..' Titties aren't meant to do anything but lay there in their norkishness. So don't hate them because they're dumb.

Thrash took his skirt off to strangle and pin Golga for the win. Then ICP teams with the Headbangers and spray paints the Oddballs and cuts off Luna's fusilli hair. It looked like a mess of ramen noodle. Don't worry honey, you can ask Sable for more hair. Or saline. She's got a lot to spare. ICP with Headbangers.. it's like metal white rap. It's like Biohazard.. or Vanilla Ice of the 90's.

The Blue Blazer runs/ flies in on the wings of his maxi. He goes against Steve Blackman. Again?? How about a little variety?? Anyways, Blackman strangles Blazer using his cape and Blazer tries to fly away. All his feathers were coming out though, he was molting. OH! Blackman won again! I think that makes TWO matches he won. I think he might rival Barry Horowitz's record. Yet again, Blackman has to ASK the audience if he should take the mask off or not. Come on, you're just setting yourself up to get mugged again. And of course.. Owen mugs Blackman. Hey, maybe that's not Owen. Maybe it's the Blue Blazer wearing an Owen mask!!

Clippage of Austin's collapse in San Jose. He finished his match and while heading towards the corner turnbuckles, he kinda slides onto his stomach. Aw man, you don't even know how to pass out right. You drop onto the mat like a pile of bricks, nose to the mat, legs spread, toes pointing towards each other and your hand crushed under your belly. Of course there is no place for unattractive splaying on television. Anyways, the ref tends to Austin who is trying to shake the 'unconsciousness' from his head.
Austin shoos him away like, 'Aw, leave me alone, will ya, I'm acting here.' While walking back to the locker room, Austin has to motion towards his HEAD to let the whole world know that there's something wrong with his HEAD. Or perhaps it could have been that monster eye cookie that caused some imbalance resulting in dizziness.

Gangrel comes out of his ring of fire.. laughing. HUH-HER… What the hell is he always laughing about?? His bubble head? Edge's tights? Christian's poet shirt? By the way, the Edge is supposed to be gothic so someone needs to tell him that PINK tights ain't too death-like and morose.

Gangrel spits the Kool-Aid out of his mouth. I gotta tell you, it's pretty commendable to be able to aspirate the liquid out of your mouth. I tried doing that in the shower and it comes out like a fountain. What am I doing wrong?? I guess I'd never join DX then (asides from the fact that Billy Butt would make sure that I shan't exist..)

By the way, Edge was listed in Pro Wrestling Illustrated's Most Beautiful People in Wrestling. But here's the odd thing. Rey Mysterio Jr. is listed but not KANE?? They're BOTH masked! I smell a heavy scent of favoritism!!! Perhaps it's because Kane's mask doesn't have little wings or horns coming out of them but that's hardly a good reason! Oh the hell with you and your list. (Hey! Al was number 7!!!!! ... B.C.) (That doesn't mean a thing! ...C.S.)

By the way, it's Gangrel and Edge vs. D'lo Brown and Mark Henry.

Chyna comes out onto the ramp. Someone took an airpump to her face because she doesn't resemble Skeletor anymore. Henry gets distracted again and loses the match. Chyna tells him, 'Okay Mark, I'll do it,' meaning she'll have dinner with him. Better go to where they feed elephants cause that guy is gonna eat like there's no tomorrow. Henry is so happy that he rolls around the ring like a pig in mud. He then hugs D'Lo. D'lo acted like, 'OW, my back, you fat ass..' D'lo has some pretty funny facial expressions.

Cut to Austin in the hospital. Doctor Bad Actor tells Austin he needs to relax and gives him some sedatives (most likely tic tacs). Over the intercom, the hospital is calling for Dr. Doug. JR asks Austin how he feels. Austin delivered his lines better than he did on the Home Shopping Network episode (but that's cuz this time he's on tic tacs and not doobage.. heh) (does anyone else think he looked stoned.. haha.. stoned..get it?? on the HSN??)
Shawn Michaels is yucking it up with the DX guys. X-Pac looks sleepy and tired. He zones out looking at Michael's chest? Or chin? You know how sometimes you stare at something and your eyes glaze over and bulges out and you just perpetually stare at that one thing?? Before you know it, your mouth is gaping wide and drool has slivered down to your stomach and children have stuck pencils in your butt. That's the way X-Pac looked.

Goldust enters the ring and licks the ropes. EEEW dude, you know how many butts, crevices and sweat has straddled those ropes?? I don't doubt that a few boogers had taken real estate there either. He goes against Marc Mero.

During this match, the barely clothed Terri Nipples comes out. She spends more time making sure her skirt doesn't hike up to her waist. It was already up to her crack so what's the diff? Bostin noticed that her boobs are set far apart. Give it some time, they'll meet on her back one day.

Jacqueline comes out as well fighting to keep her boob in her outfit. Actually she always has problems keeping her boobs from being liberated from her clothes. They wanna pop out of the clothes, be free and sing, 'Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rag time gal.'

Oh so Nipples and Boobs interfere in the match and hit/kick the nuts of Mero and Goldust. The scorned ho's angle is interesting. Unfortunately these two have every reason to be scorned so…I'll focus my attention on….




Well since one half of Milli Vanilli committed suicide, perhaps it should just say 'Milli #1' or 'Vanilli #1'. I don't know which one though.. blame it on the rain.

While a cute nurse gets Austin's autograph, 'Dr. Beavis' is called over the intercom. If they carried it any further, eventually they'd be paging 'Doogie' Howser', 'Trapper John M.D.', 'Dr. Zhivago' and eventually 'Dr. Kevorkian'.

JR tells Austin, 'Well you get some rest there, Hoss.' JR just loves his westerns. (What about Little Joe? ... B.C.)

We see a hearse driving up to the hospital and ….aw man, it's parked by the fire hydrant. Dude, you're gonna get a ticket!

Kenny Shamrock comes out, gets in the ring to take a scan of the audience. I guess he's always looking for people who he thinks would be worthy to yell at him or to smell his shit, whichever comes first. I think it would be the prior. Hey, if we were in the audience, his eyes would come across our huge grinning faces. He wouldn't know whether we appreciate him or ready to pounce on his jugular. We may pounce but our hormones will direct us as to WHERE we'll land.

It's a Triple Threat Match with Kenny vs. Big Boss Man vs. Mankind. Mankind hands the hardcore belt for JR and Lawler to watch over. Poor belt was so beat up, it just said 'Hardcore Hampion..'

The battle begins. Mankind gets pummelled and bellows, 'AGGA… AAAGA… AAAH..' Kenny barks. Boss Man spits. Boss Man actually cornered the ref by the turnbuckle and pelted the poor ref with his spit. Oh it was devastating. I don't think he EVER wants to referee a match with Boss Man again without a bubble suit. I hope the ref kept his mouth closed.

Kenny Shamrock didn't speak on this show. Not for a pre-interview, not a one. Mm.. think we've been too hard on Kenny? There's a chance that he's NEVER going to speak again after our constant abuse to him. I bet he won't even speak at home.

Mankind brings out the MAJOR arsenal for this match. The broom. He tried breaking the broom over Kenny twice but it wouldn't give. So he hits the ramp with it. Bad ramp. Kenny retaliates by hitting Mankind with a can of coke. This is like a 'In Your Home' battle. The Dust Buster should have been the next weapon. Maybe they should try a 'In your Office' battle using staplers, stapler removers, white out, the dreaded scotch tape. Mankind took a Socko clone from an audience member. If Socko had a girlfriend, would it be a bobbi sock.. the one with the frillies and lace?? (Or the ones with the pom-poms? ... B.C.)

Al Snow enters with his Job Squad. Al hits Kenny's noggin with Head and Kenny looked like a surprised Buckwheat as he timbered over like a chopped tree. Mankind wins.

Cut to the hearse outside the hospital. Then cut to the Undertaker sitting on Austin's bed holding the pillow. We practically hear, '…. and ACTION!' and UT feeds Austin the pillow. Yo, he likes LITTLE DEBBIES!!! Bearer hovered a rag of ether (so they say) over Austin's face. I'm sure it was just his snot rag and Austin collapsed from the horror of having that in his face. BUT NEWSFLASH. Before Bearer gives Stevie the ether, he grabbed Austin's package!! Well Bearer was trying to make sure his descent to the floor would be without fumble and retardedness so I guess he used Stevie's package as leverage. OH! Wow. That's some Stone Cold package there. I think Stevie was struggling against Bearer's full on grab more than the 'ether'.

Austin is out. Undertaker says, 'you're not so tough now are you..' Well, not when he's sleeping, dude. At this point, I was quite obsessed with looking at Steve's bare feet. I don't know why considering toe sightings usually result in trauma and seizures on my part. Steve doesn't have Flintstone feet.. no siree.. no Flintstone Cold Steve Austin feet there.
He gets dragged out of the hospital room. Isn't there night watch there?? I mean, wouldn't it be obvious that some 7 foot dude is dragging someone by one foot?? Did Bearer have to create a distraction? And since the hearse was parked by a hydrant, it would have been funny to see UT lugging Steve to an empty parking space. He'd have to go by foot then. And Bearer would never make it past a block without wheezing.

Christian vs. Duane Gill for the light heavyweight belt. Gangrel and Edge accompanies Christian and Gangrel is STILL laughing. I think Edge and Christian will eventually tire of this and stake him.

JR calls Gill a 'poor ole sad sack..'

The Job Squad enters in this match as well and helps Duane win the title belt!! It's pretty silly but hey, if Christian wasn't so stupid as to maneuver himself to NOT see Scorpio flying in on top of him, he deserves to lose the belt. Eh?

The Hearse arrives at the burial ground and UT plops Austin's body onto the mound of soil. Austin awakens but instead is met with more ether and Undertaker's armpit. Poor guy. He just wanted a rest. Mm, which would he prefer? Underpit or Ether? Well, UT does shave his armpits and I'm sure he uses something to prevent razor stubble.

UT has a better idea for Austin. "We're going to embalm him.." he says.

Pause. Bearer says, "ALIVE??" (good movie, by the way..)

Pause. (like Undertaker screwed up his lines…) "(uh…yeah)… we're going to embalm him alive.."

UT tried to drag Austin off camera but Austin's boxers started coming off and they had to cut before they exited the range of the shot. Darn, I would have liked to see the boxers come off. See if it's a Stone Cold Cucumber. I'm such a pervert.

Godfather vs. Tiger Ali Singh. Darn it, where's the dog when you need him. Normally we play with the house pets when these matches occur. So Godfather offers his ho's to Ali again. Regal comes out, says, 'By the way, I'm British you know.' Okay, he didn't say that. He said, 'I got screwed royally,' and his voice cracked.

By the way, he's British. (Ya think he's British? ... B.C.)

Godfather had been ready to pounce on Regal for the last few minutes but it took a bit of time for Regal to make it into the ring. Regal was like, 'hold on a sec.. I have to make my way in.. OH, my hardhat!' Godfather knocked that thing off. Then Venis came in and it was an annoying mess.

NAO enters. This time Road Dogg didn't say 'CUT THE MUSIC' and B'aaad Ass wasn't wearing those horrible boy leg briefs with the old lady hose cut-outs.



Really. The guy holding this sign up was pretty manic however. I guess he really needed to do as his sign said.

NAO vs. Scorpio and Hair Plugg Holly. You know, all these guys need is a make-over. Different hairstyles, new clothes, new car, learn how to ballroom dance. Scorpio however wouldn't do well with a 'shaved' hair look. If he had a Caesar hair cut he would definitely look like Spock (what with the those ears..). And Sparky Plugg needs to embrace his male pattern baldness. And Bunnytitus teeth. OH.. sorry.

At this point, someone in the audience threw their Head from the bleachers and it jet down past the camera's view. Hope it was a fake head.

Mankind then enters with the leaf blower. He had a few people to blow. OH! Actually him and the leafblower is about the funniest thing the WWF has offered as of late.

Holly and Scorpio actually beats NAO! Then Kenny and Boss Man has to come in to ruin the party. Kenny barks, Boss Man spits. Kenny takes the leaf blower and blows the ref out the ring. Good grief. I can imagine seeing Kenny in the WWF meetings when these ideas are presented to him. 'You want me to do WHAT??? Listen, I'm trying to get those two freak girls to stop laughing at me and you want me to blow Mick with a LEAF BLOWER??!!' (TEE HEE!!!! Someone at the WWF thinktank is a MPW fan!!!! ... B.C.)

Mankind's reaction would be more like, 'A LEAFBLOWER!!???! ….. THAT'S GREAT!! I LOVE IT!!'

Boss Man would just spit.

The Hearse makes its way to a funeral home. It looked like a house… perhaps it was Kane's house. Austin gets laid on the slab. At least they had the courtesy to clean the dirt from his body.

UT hovers over Austin, talking down to his supine body. What, was the script written on Austin's teeth or something?? 'You can't tempt fate……… you CAN'T…….disturb ….. the ministry….' (the band?? They're already disturbed..) Basically UT took his time delivering his lines. Perhaps he had a receiver in his ear and someone was feeding him his lines.. in Latin and he had to translate it into English.

Bearer cuts Austin's shirt open. You know, that's a $30 shirt. JR screamed, "OH MI GOD!" Yes JR, OH MI GOD, Austin is naked from the waist up!! Bearer proceeds to mush Austin's body.. like a veal, making sure it's tenderized. I'm sure Bearer eats snacks the size of Austin.

UT starts chanting. We had to play this segment a few times over to make sure we got EVERYTHING that he was chanting. And here it is..

'Santana…..ABBA…. ANKA…. BAH BAH LA…' So basically he was just chanting his musical interests which I must say is an eclectic range. Santana…. Abba.. Paul Anka.. and Barbara Streisand. Bearer was looking at UT like, 'What the hell is wrong with you. I thought you liked Black Sabbath.' Maybe UT should have started singing, 'Black Magic Woman' and (as in all Santana concerts) it would start raining.

(For your listening pleasure, here is the Undertaker's actual chant.  Here is what we think may have inspired his chant: No. 1: from Excalibur -- "The spell of making"; No. 2: from Army of Darkness).

Kane then comes in to perturb their ritual. I told y'all it was his house. He was disturbed by the chanting of those HORRIBLE bands. He wished that UT would chant, 'SABBATH…. MARILYN MANSON… PRIMUS…. TOOOOOOL…' so he had every right to hit UT. Hell.. Abba?? I'd hit him too. And then run away.
Bearer tries to stab Austin with the scissors. Austin stops him and manages to stumble away. I bet he just went to Kane's bedroom and slipped on one of Kane's full suited red and black pajamas.. and took a nappy.

X-Pac vs. The Rock. X-Pac gives the standard manic crotch chop towards Rock. Camera cuts to the Rock's face, his eye bulging out like 'I can't believe you just did that to me. I'm so offended.'

One point in the match, little Pac (actually he does have little Pacs.. two of them, I think. KIDS.. I'm talking about KIDS!!) is going to swing Rock towards the ropes and he mushes Rock in the boob with his palm. I thought he was going to do a wax-on wax-off move. Well, X-Pac was the 'Kid' before and he does do some 'karate-like' moves. JR once said, 'X-pac can do amazing things with his feet..' OH yeah? Can he brush his teeth with his feet? Can he flip his middle toe??

JR states that 'as long as X-pac is still alive, he will fight your ass.' Just your ass?? Mm.. not a hard battle unless there's flatulence involved.

So this is where Rock grabs a chair, Shawn Michaels takes it away from him then clocks little Pac with it. Michaels then skips over (you should not flounce like that) towards Vinnie Mac (skipping is not recommended if you want to be a sexy boy).

NAO runs in to save their little buddy only to have Kenny and Boss Man deal with them. Boss Man has Dogg in the corner and decides that he doesn't like Dogg's face so he mushes it with his wide hand. "Yer ugly.." The Vinnie Posse is growing…

Chokee signing off and going to find Kane's pajamas. Of course, the bedroom is the first place to look…

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