By Chokee Slam
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Baltimore, MD

Flashback: Undertaker clocks Austin with the shovel. Voice-over of Austin saying, 'I felt like I got hit in the head with a damn shovel.' Aw Stevie, who ya tryin' to kid. You got hit in the arm with the shovel. That's a pretty hard hit however if it affected your head.

We see a clip of what happened 'Moments Ago', which was most likely filmed last week. Undertaker and Paul Bearer are behind curtains conversing with each other. But we can't hear what they're saying, we only see miming. Undertaker has his finger up. 'Paul, pull this finger, the GREATEST noise comes out of me when you pull it. Go ahead..' Then Undertaker does that motion with his hand simulating a knife cutting across his throat. Again, we interpret that UT is telling Paul, 'This morning, I cut myself shaving ..(cuts across neck).. like this. It was a mess.'
ICP enters with the Headbangers. I don't know why they bothered because Stevie cut into their time. We see Austin entering the arena and eventually into the ring. Y'know, Stevie buffed up some. His arms look tighter. Of course muscle tee-shirts tends to give that illusion OR perhaps he's been lifting kegs of Steveweisers to his mouth. Seriously (oh heavens, can I be??) Stevie's arms looked more ripped. He's carrying a shovel however. He's been demoted from driving construction vehicles to just carrying construction tools. Poor guy.

Austin gives Thrasher and ICP a stunner, and proceeds to STRIP Mosh of his shirt before throwing him out of the ring. Mosh is a nice guy but I don't think he swings that way. Gee, first this guy gets molested by Spark Plugg Holly some month ago and now this.

Here we see people's signs where they illustrate middle fingers. Here's this artist's rendition of those drawings.

Pretty horrid huh?? Believe it or not, I knew an 'artist' (went through the whole schooling bit) and STILL drew hands that way. What a waste of tuition.

Austin is yapping about what the Undertaker did to him. We see that Stevie has some white smudge on his shoulder. Ben Gay? Or he went ballistic with his stick of deodorant? So Steve wants to find UT to give a little payback. Austin then hits the shovel onto the ring ropes. Stevie honey, that's not the Undertaker. It's way too thin.. way too bright. What would have been funny is if the shovel bounced off the rope and hit him on the forehead. But Kenny Shamrock did something similar to that with a chair because after all, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Mark Henry is spiffying himself up for his date with Chyna.

Austin starts his deadmanhunt.

NAO vs. Edge and Gangrel. Gangrel is STILL laughing. Has he been laughing all this time?? Kinda hard on the stomach muscles donchathink? I guess he's just a jolly fella. (If he was laughing all that time, he'd be RIPPED! .. B.C.)

Gangrel SOMEHOW got blood on the back of his white poet shirt.. towards the ass area. Yo Vampire, you never heard of a tampon?? OH!

Team Corporate comes out to save Gangrel with a box of Playtex. No no.. actually, wouldn't it be funny if JUST before Gangrel tries to spit that 'blood' out of his mouth, his opponent runs up to him and corks his mouth with a tampon? I guess that might be disgusting and not suitable for 'family television'.

So Christian interferes in the match, then Big Bog Man and Kenny Shamrock run in to beat on the Brood, then NAO gets escorted away from the ring by Team Corporate and NEWSFLASH!! Jerry Crisco PATS Billy Gunn on the ASS!! That's really suggestive. Hey Billy, go for it, he owns a used car lot.

Austin is rummaging about backstage. We see a hoard of kegs stacked on top of each other. Austin must have thought, 'OOH, KEGGERS of Steveweisers… give me a straw!' But oh wait, the Undertaker storyline.. oh yeah. Dead man first, beer later. Austin looks for UT in the walk-in freezer but UT comes up behind Austin and pushes him in and locks it. I wonder how long it took Austin to use that inside lever to open the door.

Mark Henry asks D'Lo to come along with him on his date. Now that ain't right. I don't know if Chyna is into menage a trois let alone a menage a four (considering the size of Henry).

Back to the wrestling ring ('Oh, you mean there's wrestling in this episode??..FNS). 'BONG' followed by the whiny string bending guitar solo which calls upon the Undertaker to glide into the ring. He stands on the steel steps, holding his cape up slightly. We thought he was going to curtsy for us.

UT calls for Kane to 'come out here.. one of us will face the future and one of us faces eternal darkness.' Isn't that one and the same?

Kane enters and BOY he's got ONE HUGE WET SPOT on the seat of his pants!! Larger than the UT EVER had it. He had a full continent on his butt. I think he's been training well at the Dojo for Wet Spots. Kane enters the ring, mixes it up with UT and gets himself tombstoned. Geez Kane, haven't you learned yet, you just shouldn't let him do that to you! UT calls out for the guys in white to come take Kaney away.. coming to take him away ha ha, coming to take him away ho ho hee hee.. to the funny farm. What song was that? (They're Coming to Take Me Away by Dr.Demento ... B.C.) Maybe that was the tune I was singing during my stay at Bellvue. Anyways, one of the guys was holding a strait jacket. Aw, Kane, he just wanted to give you some new clothes. I know your unitard is getting a little frayed on the linings which means the seams could pop ANY DAY now. Better yet, keep wearing the unitard.

Of course, the little guys in white are NO match for the BIG DUDE in red so he clobbers a few of them before flipping himself backwards on the rope to land on the outside of the ring (I love it when he does this since I know if I tried, I would noose myself). Kane escapes into the audience as he's mighty surprised that his own BROTHER and POPPA would do this to him (wasn't there an episode like this on Melrose Place?). He's shocked and hurt as he walks backwards away from them yet keeping an eye (the good one) on them.
Walking backwards caused him to stumble over a mass of chairs. 'DAMN, who put all these chairs here,' Kane may have thought. He made a good save though, he just sat down on a seat for a few seconds. I would have offered him some popcorn and we could all watch the show together.

Or better yet, he could have stumbled and sat down on the seat with me under him. Of course, I would have died with a big grin on my face then.

Mark Henry wanted D'Lo to come along because Henry wanted him to be his chauffeur. They two should do more of these silly skits, they were funny together. Henry hands D'Lo a pair of sunglasses (Yo, you know it's night time. You wanna be the Blues Brother?? Or Corey Hart. he wore his sunglasses at night). They pick up Chyna and the date is about to start. But Chyna really shouldn't speak (here I go again). She's kinda got that haggy naggy old woman voice which doesn't suit her build but if she ever married Henry, I can hear her whining, 'MAAAAARK.. MAAAARK… clip my toenails.. MAAAAARK.'

X-PAAAAAC!!! He takes the mic and says, 'I got a little sumthing sumthing to say.' That's a sumthing to the second power. He calls Shawn Michaels out. Michaels is sporting a … corduroy suit?? Darn, I wish the audience was in complete silence so we could hear the swishing of his jacket as he walked down the ramp. He wasn't dancing this time. Mm..

Shawn basically took over the mic while the camera panned to X-Pac once in a while, who was nodding his head, mouthing, 'OKAY!' However Shawn was relentless and said things like, 'If I want crap, I'll pick it out of your teeth.' X-Pac was like, 'oKAY!'

Shawn said, "I had chunks of guys larger than you in my stool." I don't know about this but Shawn, have you been allowing some guys to take your Hershey highway? OH.. sorry. But this time X-Pac replies, 'Then how big must your bunghole be?' Heh… he said bunghole. However most of the time when Shawn was badgering little X, X looked like he was going to scream, 'SHUT UP!! Don't talk to me that way! (sniff)' I guess he hasn't gotten full command of his mic skills.
Shawn's final statement, 'I was DX before DX was cool.' Mm, so in other words, when you were in DX it wasn't cool?? And only after you left, it was cool?? I don't get it. You knocked yourself down a few pegs. Oh well. That's admirable. Being humble is a good thing. Shawn leaves the ring and we're left with X-Pac standing in the ring thinking about all the things he COULDA, SHOULDA, WOULDA said to Shawn's face. Maybe he should have screamed, 'HEY, come back here!! What was that you said after 'pick it out of your teeth'??'

AUSTIN BUSTED OUT of the ice house. I wonder if there was any ice cream in there.

Henry and Chyna are in the restaurant by now.

Goldust vs Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichael. Owen Hart is at ringside doing color commentary. Blue color commentary. Goldust licks the ropes again (you like the taste of man sweat Goldie?) and McMichael took some oil or butter to her legs. They were glistening. By the way, Jarrett has switched to thongs and we can't say that he has mad panty lines anymore. Bloomers or g-strings, the gimmick still sucks.

During the match, Goldust tapped the tip of his boot to the mat. He was either doing morse code, saying 'get the lasagna plate ready for me, the match is almost over..' (he only tapped twice on the mat.. B.C.) or he had a pebble in his boot and it was getting wedged in his toes. Goldust was about to perform the Shattered Dream but McMichaels sticks her stiff face and oily legs into it. Then Owen interferes, followed by the Blue Blazer but hey.. the Blazer clotheslines Owen and of course it turns out to be Steve Blackman. Or was it?
Austin and Undertaker are shown on split screen. Austin is looking for UT, UT is looking for Kane with a bunch of mental patients following him. No no.. they were the guys in the white outfits. Gee, if they wanted to find each other, they should have just asked the camera guys who were filming them.

Here comes the Bossman's theme music and there goes Bostin's head bobbing to the beat. We really do like his theme music. He's with Shawn Michaels who sees a sign that says:




And he mimes giving a blowjob. He's a flexible kind of guy, I guess.

Bossman vs. Mankind in a Ladder Match. One point, Mankind put the standing ladder over the splayed Bossman. That's bad luck isn't it? Or do you have to be WALKING under it..

Shawn is doing commentary and says, 'Have to give the Big BUS Man a perfect 10..' Mm. Now in my last reports, I called Bossman 'BUS MAN' so.. has Michaels come across this site? Hell, he's been out for awhile, resting and what else can you do while you're rehabilitating. Ya SURF the web?? Shawn, I'd like to say, you dance very well, you're a remarkable dancer, you're like Janet Jackson, like a Milli Vanilli.. uh.. Michael Flatley. Heh.. heh… (So, ya think Michaels is a Mad Phat fan? ... Don't worry, he won't be for long... B.C.)

Just kidding. You still can't dance.




Mankind gives Boss Man the Mandible Sock. I guess Bossman didn't have eats yet cause he kept that sock in his mouth for a while. Just when it seemed that Mankind was going to win, the Rock comes out in the most offensive outfit. A big shirt, his wrestling panties and sneakers with no socks. Aw man, that's what you wear at HOME when you're flaunting your derriere to your wife or something.. without the sneakers of course.. and probably without the panties. Ah hell.. just wear a Dixie cup over your privates.

Am I pushing the envelope in this report?? (Push away my caustic friend... B.C.)

Anyways, perhaps due to the Rock's obscene outfit, Mankind was distracted and Boss Hog is now the Hardcore Champion. Truly, no one is as hardcore as Mankind. He lost part of his ear for Chrissake. What did YOU lose Boss. Some weight??

Bearer is calling for UT to come with him. UT was in the parking lot, his back to the camera. It looked like he was going to take a whizz. But he must have great bladder control. He went with Bearer to deal with Kane. Then the battle ensues amidst the tables and chairs. Poor Kaney gets knocked out by the chair and he splays. By the way, part of Kane's wet spot dried. It looked like half a continent by now. UT tells Bearer to find the funny farm guys while he puts Kane in a body bag. Austin comes in, 'HEAD UP!' and broke that shovel reeeal good over UT's head (ok, the arm). Kane is still lieing on the floor taking a little nappy and seeing sheep jumping through rings of fire.
This would have been a great opportunity for Austin to draw things ALL over both their bodies but..

Marc Mero to battle Duane Gill. Marc says, 'If I can't beat that Jobber, I will retire.' THAT JOBBER?? YOU should talk!!

The Maryland Pee Wee Football team runs out… (here they come!)… and around the ring.. and then heads towards backstage again (there they go!). They were cute. I think they were all of Duane's drinking buddies. Just kidding.

The Blue Meanie interferes and causes Mero to lose the match hence, buh-bye Mero. WCW was playing your entrance music just a few days ago so you better go there to reclaim it. Anyways it was great to see the Blue Meanie appear on Heat and Raw. Though he spent more time trying to keep his shorts up, it was actually just damn fun. I think it's because Bostin ALMOST met him at the Live ECW event we attended. But thanks to her bladder, she missed the chance. Thanks Bladder. (Hey, I was this close! ... B.C.)

Oh Bostin would like to thank the WWF for appropiately placing the clips of Kane/ UT/ Austin in between the matches. I don't know HOW they did it.

Henry and Chyna are at the dinner table. They'd been there awhile and they didn't even have FOOD on the table. There was salt and pepper though. Well, whatever their tastes may be…

X-PAAAAC vs. Shamrock (with Michaels). Shamrock's nugget looked swollen. And I'll tell you why. Last night on Heat, Shamrock went up against Al Snow (in a tag team match) and they got into this odd position where Al's head rubbed on Kenny's package. Kenny tagged out and stood by his corner (while facing the audience) seemingly adjusting his cup. Now if we were in the audience we wouldn't have minded seeing that because we are after all, perverts. BUT just for the sake of dignity, Kenny should have motioned for Al to shove him out of the ring. Kenny would then conveniently slide himself UNDER the ring in order to properly and freely adjust his cup and nugget.

Now, as per the Wrestling's Greatest Secrets Exposed, there is a microphone placed under the ring to emphasize the sound of wrestlers getting slammed to the mat. Of course, we think that if Kenny saw this microphone he'd scream, 'HEY, (tap tap) what's this for? Is this thing on (tap tap)???' OR he wouldn't notice the mic and basically think that, being under the ring, he could relax a bit and let loose any burping or farting he'd been holding in since he walked into the arena.

Of course this is OUR version.

Okay, back to the match. Kenny's panties are still way too tight and this brings up another realization. Kenny's speaking voice sounds like a little kid BECAUSE of the constricting panties. Hell, just loosen those things and take a few lessons from UT and you'll have a gruff speaking tone in no time.

But.. Kenny hasn't spoken in perhaps two weeks now. Uh…

The match continues. X-Pac gets so excited during a match. Who put the Friskie in that kid?? (What's got into that wrestler? ... B.C.) Shawn interferes (so much interference in this show), Bossman comes out, clocks Tic Toc.. I mean X-Pac, leaves and then HHH shows up! I'm not a HHH fan but this was exciting television. HHH still didn't seem entirely healed but he managed to beat up on Kenny and then leads X-Pac from the ring by the hand ('come on, baby'). But we ask the important stuff. Why does HHH still tucks his jeans into his boots. That was over in the 80's yah?
Henry and Chyna are at the bar now and dancing too. Henry does his thang while Chyna stands there and .. claps along. What would have been funny is if she REALLY started getting down by breakdancing, popping, doing all the hip hop moves. So Henry had to go to the lav and CUE in the three bad actors to hit on Chyna and call her a bitch. Chyna and Henry end up beating up the three guys and everyone in the bar is cheering including the bartender. Now we know that this is NOT reality. The bartender does not cheer when a fight ensues. WE KNOW FIRST HAND!! I won't say any more.

Val Venis and Godfather with Skank-Ho Corp. enters the ring. Venis goes against Tiger Ali Singh. Then Terri and Jacqueline come out. JR reports, 'Terri gives Venis a LOW BLOW'. Hey we didn't see that. Actually I don't want to see that. I'd rather see a wilderbeast give birth on Wild America. (Oh! When's that on? ... B.C.)

Then the Acolytes come in with Jackyl. What is that symbol on their pants. First of all, I'd like to thank the WWF for finally giving Justin Bradshaw a NEW outfit. I think his old tights were so crusty at this point, he mounted it up on his wall as a trophy. Blech. Oh the Acolytes attack Singh and Ba BOO. And the Jackyl is chewing the HELL out of his gum. (Anything like that guy who gave me the tattoo on my boob? ... B.C.)
Now Bearer thinks Kane is being taken away to the asylum but Kane is with Austin watching telly in another room. Austin slaps Kane in the tummy and tells him, 'Come on..' HEY this means that Austin has seen Kane without the mask, which means.. which means… nothing really. Does Kane carry extra masks with him all the time?? And if he didn't have a spare, would he have to settle for someone else's mask?? Like the Blue Blazer's?? Blue and silver sparkles don't go with red and black. He would have made himself the laughing stock of the WWF or in the Worst Dressed List.

Shane McMahon comes out as well as Sable who is advertising the WWF Attitude Cologne for Men and Eau De Toilette for Women. Good to know that she's doing as much with the Women's Championship Belt as Jacqueline did.

Al Snow walks out looking like he didn't know where he was. He goes against the Rock. During the match, Al was allowing Rock to clothesline him over and over again. Al would go boom, get up, clothesline, BOOM, get up, clothesline, and repeat. I don't know, but I guess it wasn't a really effective tactic. But then again, the Rock giving Head the Corporate Elbow wasn't very effective either.

The Corporate Henchmen come out, AL loses, Mankind and Job Squad comes in.. geesh have EVERYONE come in, including the Pee Wee football team. The little kids could clamor on all the wrestlers, pulling their hairs, their ears, scratching their eyes out, biting ears. That would have been fun. Al would have loved it. I think.

Bearer is looking for UT and instead sees Austin. He screams like a three year old girl (a little different from a Kenny scream). Bearer opens the freezer door to see KANE standing in there. What if Bearer wasn't by the freezer. Kane would have been waiting in there to give the big surprise for who knows how long. Meanwhile Kane would have frozen in there, with icicles hanging off him, his snot frozen in mid-drip from his nose. A virtual Kanesicle. OOH new marketing idea!

They bring Bearer to the ring and it's REVENGE time. But most important.. Austin has an audience member throw him a beer. Damn good catch, I must say. I would have completely missed, it would have flew overhead and hit Kane in the noggin and he would have went down like a Christmas tree (or his Christmas Creature gimmick).

Austin tells Kane to 'sic' Bearer then says 'No no no.. remember that gas can thing you did?' Kane nods his head SLOWLY to let everyone know that he remembers. Maybe he should have nodded his head excitedly fast. That would have been cute. So Austin tells Kane to get the gas can. Kane is about to straddle the rope but Austin tells him, 'Nonono'. Kane froze in mid position (hand on rope, one leg stretched outward). He MUST have thought, 'LISTEN redneck, WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND??!!'
Austin straddles Bearer (ooh) and cuts open his shirt and tie. And he changes his own mind again. They decide to take Bearer OUTSIDE and throw him down a manhole. Kane actually picked up this manhole cover. DAMN, what strength!! So, Bearer is fed to C.H.U.D. and Austin flips the fingers to the manhole cover (what did that ever do to you?) and leaves. Obedient Kane follows behind him. Perhaps thinking, 'HEY.. HEEEY, what are we playing now?? You're my friend, aren't you??'

I'm sure Austin and Kane won't stay alliances for long but it was nice to see that Kane finally found a master. And I think Austin can take him along on duck hunts and all.

Just kidding. I do quite enjoy this angle. I enjoy watching Kane have a personality where he's not so much an indestructable force but rather a confused and sad individual but still a STRONG body to be reckoned with. I think that's when Undertaker's character got better, when he was humanized.

So WWF, don't screw things up, okay??

Chokee Slam signing off. I'm gonna learn how to go duck hunting.

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