By Chokee Slam
|December 7, 1998
This Raw was missing an important element in its show. Kane. Not even
filmed footage was shown. (Hey, Al Snow wasn't in this episode either.. B.C.) He
wasn't?? Oh well, need not fear, fine folks, there is approximately 1 hour and 45 minutes
worth of other wrestlers and events to report on.
SO I wonder what Kane was doing. Vacation time? Family reunion?
High school reunion? Musical tour? Circus?
Alright, let's start with the show. Kane enters towards the ring,
with Kane in tow and Kane behind him. Then Kane took the Kane and said, "Listen Kane,
you have kanectified this kanectomy and I shan't kane it no more. I kane you."
Heh, sorry. Also another missing individual was Jim Ross, who was
mourning the passing of his mother. We send him our condolences. Michael Coleski and Jerry
Lawler were at the helm.
|DX which consists of X-Pac, Chyna and the returning
Hunter Hearst Helmsey enter the ring. Chyna, is sporting a new bee-hive hairdo (though
it's still of long length) but it really seemed to make her head look taller, which
elongates her neck. I don't know, but I think we'll check that off as a 'hair-don't'. So,
HHH calls out New Age Outlaws to discuss a few things.
|NAO enters wearing suits and
carrying mini bottled water. Cole says 'now they're drinking bottled water..' Hey
they've ALWAYS drank bottled water. They're normally larger bottles and the water is shot
out of their mouths like a sprinkler system and THEN they LITTER by throwing the bottle
into the audience BUT they've always drank bottled water. It's a nasty habit, perhaps they
HBK then follows after them, mouthing along
to his own theme music. He should have mouthed along to the high pitched back-up singers
doing the 'sexy booooy' bit. HBK enters the ring, lifts up his blazer to flash the
audience the front of his chinos (or Dockers..) and MY, he certainly is flat there. I
thought those pants normally TENT whether you're sitting or standing up.
So it is revealed that NAO is now with the Corporate Team and HBK
has set a match between HHH and Little Pac against the Big Boss Bog and Kenny Shamrock.
Cut to commercial. AIWA.. the one with the hearse driver playing
'Another One Bites the Dust' in the car stereo. That's a pretty damn funny commercial.
|Backstage, we see X-Pac kick a chair. Leave that
chair alone. It didn't do anything to you, tough guy. It endures the weight of wrestler
asses so give it a little respect. HHH consoles him ('Easy, honey'), then tells Chyna to
watch their backs. She's sitting down, very contemplative, like, 'damn, why did I get this
and why is my hair a bouffant.. and these leather pants, they
keep riding up my butt
|Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichael
enter. Now we are a little confused as to whether the WWF wants to censor or not censor
the quote 'Don't Piss Me Off'. Sometimes the quote gets astericked, sometimes not. I think
in order to avoid the confusion, Jarrett should just stick with the quote, 'Don't pop me
one.' Uncensorable, simple, fun and good for you.
a flashback of when Goldust made his challenge to Jarrett for Rock Bottom. If Jarrett
loses, 'Little Debbie has to show her Tasty Cakes.' Hey, they're two different brands of
snack treats donchaknow. But if Goldie loses, Goldie will strip. At this point, Jarrett
looked mighty interested. He even stepped forward in anticipation.
Oh, Jarrett goes against D'Lo Brown. D'Lo did his standard Puerto
Rican Girl Head Shake and his breasts shook as well. Too much Tasty Cakes for YOU, D'Lo.
|During this match, Goldust comes out with no shoes
and a trenchcoat. I don't know how he can walk barefoot on that cold ramp. I mean, I went
to the beach once in my life (really, I was tied up and forced to go) and hopped around
the scorching sand like a mexican jumping bean. Basically the tootsies are pretty
sensitive to extreme temperatures. So I commend Goldust for handling the climate of the
ramp. So, Goldie distracts Debra by flashing her, so she can't help Jeff win his match.
She was probably like, 'JAEFF, yew know whut he did!! He's such a PREVERT!!'
|But AH, Goldie flashes Jarrett as
well. Jeff looked at him thinking, 'Nice bermuda shorts there. What is that.. Winnie the
The Headbangers vs. Gangrel and Edge.
Oh, this episode is brought to you by Norelco, the shaver that
spits jiz out. We wonder, how does one refill it??
|During the match, Edge is getting beat on. I
think Cole said, 'Edge is in all kinds of trouble.' All kinds! Does that include being
Luna, the Oddities and Tiger Ali Singh with Ba
BOO run in to interfere in the match. I don't think there's been a COMPLETE match shown in
Clip of Mankind talking to a pile of chairs, nurturing them,
telling them, 'I love you, you've been used by so many men..' Mankind, you're too much.
|Ah geez, Owen Hart is back. We
see a clip of Sunday's Heat where Owen states that he's coming out of retirement but he's
wearing this UGLY orange turtleneck sweater. Owen I know you love your momma but don't let
her dress you anymore. Next it'll be acid washed jeans under moo moo's. She probably still
keeps your Ernie and Bert shirts. Anyway, Owen was out of retirement for perhaps two
months. Hopefully you went back to the Hart training school to learn how to perform a
Owen goes against Goldust. This match
starts about 45 minutes from the time Goldust does his entrance. Yes, it takes THAT long
for his entrance theme and hype (the gold dust, the splendor).
Jarrett comes out with Debra who is now wearing a trenchcoat. She
flashes Goldust. Jerry says, 'THEY were standing at attention there!!' They were also
probably veiny, stretched out, hard as a rock and the nipples were pointing outward. I
yearn to see a woman in wrestling with her natural breasts. That would be the ultimate
challenge, I think. (I think the only one is Dawn Marie, aka Tammy Lynn Bytch... B.C.)
Wait a minute, did Goldust and Owen even wrestle??
Godfather enters with two skanks. One of them had this expression
on her face like she smelled something putrid. Oh she was standing next to Val Venis.
Mystery solved. The other skank had breasts so far apart, they were in her armpits.
|Godfather decides he's going to be nice and give
his skanks to an audience member for free. The lucky (?) man turns out to be Bob (he's
probably the bouncer in the strip joint that the skanks came from). He was definitely a
plant. Hell, he was shaped like a bush. Bob has a mullet. Bob looks like a giant dwarf. (Jumbo
B.C.) And Bob has breasts bigger than the skanks did but they were all
dripping into his stomach. I'm sure he's a nice person with a pleasant disposition. And
hell, he was somebody's child once.
|The Acolytes run out to attack
Godfather and Venis. Now I'd like to know what are the symbols they draw on their chest??
Looks like the symbols used in Led Zeppelin's album 'Zoso'. One thing is for certain, they
need a new tailor to adjust their waistbands. They are constantly tugging to keep their
tights on. This is a distraction which could hinder their abilities to run into the ring
to cause havoc. I mean it'd be mighty horrible if they were running down the ramp and
their tights fell to their ankles.
Austin is seen
walking towards somewhere. I guess he was going to his fitting for the
No, he's headed towards the ring to talk about his troubles. Then
the lights dim and we hear the Undertaker's theme music. You know that whiny guitar solo
should pick up in tempo. It should really wail like an Eddie Van
Halen guitar solo. Of course this would mean that UT would have to walk down the ramp
faster and that probably wouldn't suit his character.
|Anyways, as UT is speaking we see this huge
symbol (supposed to be his very own symbol). Are the days forthcoming when he will drop
the name of Undertaker and be called by his symbol?? It hangs above the ramp and UT's
voice is heard over the speakers. He was saying his lines must faster this time. Well, it
IS easier when you have the script in front of you, eh? None of that memorizing. A
lightning bolt hits and his own symbol is on fire. There, you ruined it.
Mankind is wandering backstage, carrying a garbage bag. He waves to the
|Steve Blackman vs. Tiger Ali
Singh. You know, Blackman doesn't tan his armpits. Yo dude, if you're going to be raising
your arms, the color should be UNIFORM. We don't need to be blinded by your two armpit
Cole is talking about the UT/ Austin incident that
just occurred. He says, 'Stone Cold must be totally startled and confused.' At this point,
I think the camera should have cut to Stone Cold backstage saying, 'I'm totally startled
By the way, we feeeel the absence of JR. Michael Cole is damn BAD
at commentary. Lawler would joke around but Cole would just stick to straight commentary
which kinda fizzled out Lawler's abilities at livening things up. Hence, we reaffirm that
JR and Lawler really work well as a TEAM. You suck, Todd.
By the way, Blackman won again!! But the Blue Blazer runs in,
TRIPS and rolls down the ramp towards the ring. We have no idea who is playing the Blue
Blazer this time but we think more wrestlers should masquerade as him.
|We're talking about all wrestlers of all
different shapes. We can have a Vader Blazer, Sable Blazer, Midget Blazer, Yokozuna
Blazer, Big Daddy Blazer..
Blackman beats up on Klutz
Blazer but Owen runs in and mushes his armpit onto Blackman's face. OH, the stench, the
foulness of it. Blackman was fighting for his life.. and for good clean air.
|Mankind enters Austin's dressing
room, with a huge grin on his face. Hopefully Austin isn't naked in there. Then perhaps
that's why Mankind has a grin on his face. Hell, I would. Well, I'm sure Mankind has
already seen Mr. Austin's Stone Cold Willy in the showers at one time or another.
Mark Henry with D'Lo vs Droz with Animal. We're still quite captivated by
Droz's blowhole (his huge belly button). What can he put in that blowhole?? Hey, if it was
just a wee bit bigger, he wouldn't have to carry a fanny pack. He can carry his little
travel items in there. Perhaps Mark Henry should have tried blowing in that blowhole.
Maybe Droz would have inflated, then exploded and he'd have easily won the match.
Chyna comes in to show everyone that she almost hiked her shorts
up to her neck. Droz holds Mark for Chyna to hit him but she declines. Instead she elbows
Droz. Hey Droz, why should Chyna hit Mark. HE paid for the lovely dinner of salt, pepper
and perrier last week!
HHH enters sporting his new flashy pink tights. Hey, I thought
you had knee surgery, not brain surgery. Sorry. They're nice tights.. for a little girl
going to ballet class. X-pac and Chyna accompany him. They have to make sure HHH doesn't
get mugged because of those upsetting tights.
HHH & X-Pac vs Big Boss Man and Kenny Shamrock. Kenny walks
out onto the ramp and starts veering towards the left. He then realizes 'oh.. that's where
the audience is
I better turn left and go down the middle. I'll make it to the ring,
I think I can, I think I can...'
Kenny still doesn't speak. Mm, I know I said, 'Don't speak
' but it's not like I meant it. Anyway, at least
he still barks when he's hitting his opponent. 'ARF.. ARF'. You're a good Kenny.
Meanwhile we notice that when the Boss Man gets hit, he kinda
BOKS like an old lady. HHH swung him over to the corner buckle. 'BOK!!' Soon he shall be
the Big Bok Man. Geez, what kind of animal farm is the Corporate Team running here?
One point, Boss Man is standing off to the side while Kenny is
barking in the ring. Does the Boss Man have enough pockets in his cargo pants? He must be
keeping food in there. For tag team matches such as this, he needs to keep himself
occupied while his tag team partner is wrestling. Hey, I would pay to see him take out a
huge turkey leg during his match.
|So NAO and HBK enter to watch the match and
eventually interfere. Just when it seemed that Billy Butt was going to hit the chair over
HHH's noggin, he instead hits Kenny who TIMBERs like a tree AGAIN (This is getting to be a
hobby, isn't it). So it was a SHAM!! NAO is really with HHH and DX and not HBK. I feel
like I need to buy a couple of vowels. Does anyone wanna play anagrams with all these
|HBK then gets irate that he got
fooled by DX. He starts spazzing out and put his poneytail out of whack. It was almost
starting to look like a ponytail erection. Better let Brisco take care of that. Judging
from last week, I think he likes blond men with bob haircuts.
Then X-Pac strips himself of the top half of his unitard and shows off his
little pectorials. Aw, finally, SMALL breasts in the WWF.
Mankind leaves Austin's room, smiling. I guess he saw him naked!
Backstage, DX is celebrating. Chyna is attempting to smile but
her lips only manage to turn downward. Don't wanna pop the stitches of course.. then her
lips might just fall off.
Mankind has given Austin a bag of beer. Aw. It IS almost
Christmas time. Austin says, 'stupid bastard'. That was an expression of affection, mind
you. If he was any more affectionate, he would have said, 'oh fuck you dildohead.' Austin
takes a swig of beer and gets ready for his match. Here we see he has knobby knees.
The Rock enters the ring.. with his knobby nipples.
Undertaker comes out hair dripping.. and he's bulging again. It
was an entity within itself, mystically leading him towards the ring.
Mankind enters. Damn, these three must have the longest intros..
And finally Austin enters. But not before he poses at the top of
the ramp. Ever tried Vogueing, Steve? Finally, the match commences. We hear someone in the
audience 'caw' like some exotic bird. Maybe that person needed to be
fed some seeds.
Like all other matches of this show, everyone including their
mothers run in to interfere. Boss Man, Kenny.. Mankind gets handcuffed, Stevie tried to
choke UT with cable wire, UT shows us his 'Charlton Heston' method of over-acting, then
hits Steve with the bell, and then gives him the chair.
Poor UT then has to carry the Steve Load over to the huge symbol.
(Steve, we've watched some old wrestling tapes where you were actually kinda slim and had
more of a waistline. Better cut down to just one big ham per sitting). There were a couple
of 'druids' waiting there. Actually I think they were just oversized Jawas. Austin gets
placed on the symbol, crucifixion style. Meanwhile he's yelling to UT, "I'm gonna get
your ass!' But what he really meant was 'I'm gonna get you a Christmas present.. and you
ain't gonna do no thing about it.. and I'm gonna get your ass something too.. a blow dryer
for that wet spot.. '
|The symbol gets elevated and Austin is
hovering behind UT who is posing by clenching his butt muscles.. enabling the suckage
effect of his panties.
Austin was hovering above him,
perhaps thinking, 'Boy, this is stupid.. HEY, I can see Jerry from here. HI JERRY!! And
Michael Cole. YOU SUCK!'
|Once the cameras were off, it
would have been funny if Austin said, 'Okay guys, get me down.. you know I'm afraid of
heights.. that's why I don't do those moves off the top turnbuckle.. GUYS?? Game over..
I'll give you some beer
Austin may STILL be hanging up there. I hope they gave him a colostomy bag.