By Chokee Slam
|December 14, 1998
This Raw was especially special for we had our very own Mad Phatser, Unforgiven1, in
the audience with her husband. And just to show her team spirit, she carried a sign with
her that showed her patronage to our wonderful mad phat site. Though the WWF cameras
didn't film her, her husband did and so we have the picture of the BEST sign EVER made in
the history of signage:
|(We also congratulate her for her encounter with
the intensity that is Mick Foley. In her own description, Mick was sweet, kind, and bigger
than life. To boot, he smelled shower fresh clean ('Irish springy'), felt like a big
cuddly yet RIPPED grizzly bear, and his eyes sparkled like gemstones. The teenage kids
reacted to him as if they finally saw Santa Claus, and well, Unforgiven1 was left with a
grin that she can't seem to wipe off. You are one lucky girl!)
There was a SEA of signs.
I think they overtook the WWF population. As the cameras took a full shot of the audience,
all the signs meshed together to create the smorgasbord of statements:
Most of these can be deciphered through simple logic
and months of training by watching wrestling but 'OT GERS' needs some 'splainin'.
Basically the full sign could not be seen because this person was standing right at the
brink of the camera's view. It could have said 'SHOOT ROGERS', 'HOT BOOGERS', 'NOT
INTEGERS' or even 'GOT CHIGGERS'. (Coulda been 'SNOT SWIGGERS'... but I don't
think that's right... B.C.)
HUNTER SHOW ME YOURS
AND I'LL SHOW YOU MINE
There was a male AND female holding
this sign. Guy, I think you should have let your hand down from this sign for just a few
Oh, it doesn't stop. We're about 3 seconds into the program:
(I just love these sassy Washingtonians... B.C.)
How could you.
THE PEOPLE'S RAPPER
Now Bostin thought this was some new
Irish rapper but just turns out that this homey is not down with the hip hop lingo. Still,
I don't imagine Poop Daddy would be peddling to sign MC Danlow to his label.
DX comes out doing their imitation of the Corporate Team. HHH is the Crock, Road Dogg
is Vinnie Mac, Chyna is Big Boss Man, BA Gunn is Shane MacMahon with diapers and X-Pac is
Kenny Shamrock with troll hair.
|Though HHH did a good impression of the Rock
(though his nipples aren't as saggy as the Rock's), X-Pac was the funniest as he imitated
Kenny by punching himself in the face, and screaming, 'AAAAAH!! ALL THIS TALK ABOUT
SPHINCTERS IS PUTTING ME IN THE ZONE!! IT'S 5 KNUCKLES SHOVEL TIME!!!!' (HUH? I say).
X-Pac also had that bulging vein in his neck when screaming and did the infamous crying
face that Kenny does so well.
Hey.. I know you.
So Jason Sensation comes out to do his HBK imitation while holding a basketball. I
don't get the basketball reference asides from setting up the joke that 'he dropped the
ball'. Chyna actually showed that she has a sense of humor as she twirled her nightstick
like a baton, throwing it in the air and not catching it.
Of course as the camera scans through the audience, we see everyone's smiling or
screaming faces. You know, if the camera caught any of us, we would probably have the most
non-delectable poses like stuffing a huge messy hot dog into our mouths or our faces
contorted in mid sneeze.
Corporate Team comes out. Big Boss Man is swaying side to side, which is something
people normally do out of boredom. We reckon this is his daily exercise routine. HBK sets
up the matches for the night. NAO vs. Big Boss Man and Kenny. HHH vs. Rock. The Rock then
rolls off a couple of catch phrases (basically old ones, previously used by the likes of
Hogan and Macho Wispy Hair Man Savage) before finding his own.
Godfather and Venis enter. Godfather gets pelted by a ball of paper, RIGHT IN THE BOOB.
Good shot. You could see the embarassment really hurt the Godfather. Hey, if anyone pelted
their hoes with paper, I think they would definitely tip over. It doesn't take much to
timber if you're wearing platform stiletto barbie slippers.
They go against Edge and Christina. I meant Christian but that was just a funny typo
that I had to leave in. Edge is sporting some new electric blue tights. I hate to tell you
Border, but it still doesn't fit the 'gothic' lifestyle. And the name Edge brings images
of U2, who weren't very gothic. You should try for the name Peter Murphy, Daniel Ash,
I think I've just revealed a part of my past. Whoopsie.
What about her?? That she used to
perm her hair and resembled Eraserhead? That she's got a bunion that looks like an elbow?
By the way, Venis and Godfather wins which upsets Gangrel a bit. He grabs the mic and
screams, 'There's gonna be a blood bath!' Then he yanks his sunglasses off and throws them
aside. Hey, you should know it's difficult to see indoors with sunglasses on. Hence, SUN
Steve Blackman interviewed by.. it's not Todd.. that little guy.. eh whatever. We all
miss Jim Ross. Blackman wears a WWF tee-shirt. Look at choo, you don't even have your own
shirt to market. Anyways, Blackman has a rather placid, mellow speaking voice even when
he's trying to be threatening or angry. Bostin thinks he has 'little face' syndrome so
perhaps 'little (or placid) voice' accompanies little face.
Blue Blazer vs. Goldust (who comes out flapping the ostrich wings of his robe) 'Bok
Bok'. WWF is still trying to pull this 'Who is the Blue Blazer' farce. I say, have him
perform the piledriver on someone. If he screws it up, then we KNOW it's Owen!!
|Goldust was about to give Blue his Shattered Dream
but Jeff Jarrett runs in, followed by Blackman. As Goldust is taking care of Jarrett on
the outside, Blackman pulls the mask off Blue Blazer to reveal
OWEN!! AW, we didn't
KNOW!! Judging by the surprised look on Owen's face, he didn't know he was the Blue Blazer
|Mark Henry with D'Lo and Terri and
Jacqueline. HEY, we thought Terri was pregnant! I guess they put that storyline on the
shelf. Hey, it's not like the WWF to leave a storyline dangling. Heh.
Henry takes the
mic to tell all that he is a lover, not a fighter. Well, he's a wrestler which doesn't
make him a fighter. Sorry. Just kidding. I, of course, have the utmost respect for
wrestlers and the risks they take almost every night in the ring. However, when it comes
Sorry, I'm straying. Henry tells the audience 'what happened on Chyna and I's date.'
Yah, tell us about YOU's date. HE claims that she invited him to her room, 'in that SEXY
voice of hers..' SEXY??? Hey Henry, maybe you WEREN'T with Chyna, but in fact was with
KENNY! We know Kenny has that sexy little voice. AND if she invited you into a DARK room,
you would never know, eh? (Oh, now Kenny's definitely never gonna talk
Henry says they did IT and D'Lo filmed it. This should be interesting if the storyline
Henry and D'Lo go against the Job Squad's Bob Holly and Scorpio. Sparky Plugg Holly has
buzzed his hair. Though we can't have the pleasure of calling him 'Hair Plugg Holly'
anymore, it IS an improvement. Now we need to work on Scorpio. This would be difficult
since it's Scorpio's hair that takes the focus off his Vulcan ears. And the Peaches and
Herb beads on his fringed shirt .. eh.. that's a no-no.
|While the match commences, Terri distracts the Blue
Meanie (who is showing her what her stomach would look like if she was pregnant) and Duane
Gil, while Al distracts himself with Head. Then Jacqueline takes the opportunity to jump
off the top rope, scrape her feet against Holly before bouncing off him and hitting the
mat. She's good. Yet the Job Squad loses in spite of Jacqueline's flub.
|NAO is backstage, walking down the
hallway. They turn the corner. Then after Kenny and Boss Man make sure that they've
rounded the corner, they start walking down the hallway and pass the medicine
trunk. It's a little hard to distinguish the items in there but this is what we THINK we
saw: alpha hydroxy facial scrub by St. Ives, Nivea Cream, sea salt, tongue depressors,
baby powder (for the Rock's sweating problem) and Preparation H (hey, supposedly this
stuff is used for wrinkles and fine lines too).
Flashback of one of the best segments of
Heat. Mankind attacks the Rock in the skydome prior to Rock Bottom. He attacks him with
unknown objects (Mankind yells, 'WHAT IS THIS THING??!') and what he first thought was a
rhododendron. Priceless comedic sketch.
NAO vs. Kenny Shamrock and Boss Man. During the match, Boss Man spits at Road Dogg but
DAMN, his spit came out like spew. What are you harnessing all that spittle in your mouth
for?? Think you're gonna be stranded on a desert soon?? That's disgusting.
HBK distracts BA in this match, then hits Billy on the back with the nightstick. I
guess he dubbed it 'Bad Ass Billy Club' at that point. Kenny puts the ankle lock on and we
have new tag team champions. Boss Hog was so happy that he attempted to pick Kenny up
(perhaps to toss him up in the air in an act of sheer joy) but he couldn't even lift him
off the mat. Mm, perhaps too many protein shakes but not enough exercise??
Shane and Vinnie MacMan pick the first wrestler to enter Royal Rumble match. And HEY,
how about that, it's Steve Austin. Also Vinnie will offer $100,000 to the wrestler who
will throw Austin over the top rope. I say that's well deserved money. Austin is pretty
hefty ya know, what with all those jelly donuts and Equal. Even the Undertaker had trouble
picking Austin up.
|Mankind appears on the Titantron to call for his
'daddy', and challenges to wrestle him.
Backstage, Vinnie and his stooges are mulling
over the challenge issued by Mankind. Patterson says, 'I wouldn't do dat dink..'
Oh really, you wouldn't? Patterson, another one who shouldn't speak! (I'm thinking
about re-naming the Dean Malenko award to the Patterson...B.C.)
|Jeff Jarrett (with McMichaels) vs.
Steve Blackman in a Guitar on a Pole match. Ah geesh.. y'all made that up at the last
minute. How about a Guitar on a Pole and Must Play any guitar riff by Jimi Hendrix Match?
takes the mic, which is something he shouldn't do too often, and says he will 'hit the
guitar over Blackman's square ass head.' A head shaped like a square AND ass? WOW. That's
basically a square with a slit. Almost like Vader's ass. Imagine Vader's ass on Blackman's
head. (NO!.. B.C.)
One point, Blackman is about to go for the guitar, but he opts to point at it to let
the audience know that HEY, there's a guitar up there!! Blackman, you need to stop
conferring with the audience. I think they KNOW there was a guitar there.
Debra comes in the ring to distract Blackman. Damn, what is up with her eyebrows??
They're drawn in like McDonald's arches. She tries to show her stuff, her plastic stuff
that is, but Blackman is uninterested. So is that how his door swings, huh?? He wanted
Jarrett instead. I can see clearly now. The rain has gone. Oh yeah, Owen interferes in
this match and hits Blackman with a guitar.
|Tiger Ali Singh is in his dressing room where the
words 'Blood Bath' are written on the wall. Tiger says, 'WHATTA YA MEAN I GOTTA GO (to the
ring)?? I don't want no part of this..' Oh yeah, he's definitely from India. (By way of
|Singh enters the ring and as we get a
closer look at him, he looks like this Lebanese guy I knew, and Bostin thinks he resembles
an Egyptian guy she knew. My, he's worldly. By the way, he's Indian ya know. The lights go
out and the Brood go after him. When the lights turn back on, Singh is drenched in corn
syrup with red dye. Either that or one of the Brood members had a NASTY period. OH! Maybe
it was Christina. OH!!
KANE backstage.. pacing. Cole says, 'I wonder what Kane's
thinking about..' At this point, Kane lifts his head up to the camera as if he was about
to say, 'oh, thinking about.. stuff.. general stuff
Meanwhile they've called the firemen in to help Singh. So uh.. I guess if you EVER find
yourself doused with corn syrup, you gotta call the firemen to help you.
|STRANGE sign spotted:
(What is that??
|Mankind vs. Kane. These two are getting
quite the hearty 'pop'. I'm sure the loudest cheers were coming from our very own
Unforgiven1's mouth. =)
During this whole episode, we've been seeing guys in the
audience running by the camera view with their signs. Sort of a walking man's marquee
sign. At this point, we see the arena security guys trying to get them to stay in their
seat. One effective method would have been for the security guys to chase them with signs
Mankind has a loose strand hanging
from his shirt. You know if someone was to pull that strand, his shirt would have
you know, like in the cartoons.
At one point, Cole said, 'Kane doesn't look too happy..' How do you know, he's got a
mask on! Oh where, where is JR??
Vinnie Mac comes out sporting a carpel tunnel wrist band, tells Mankind to meet him in
the parking lot for a good old fashioned brawl. He turns to walk away, as if he's got a
quarter up his butt.
|Meanwhile, some LARGE overweight orderlies are
taking Kaney away to the asylum. Oh no. The poor dear. Kenny and Boss had beat up on Kaney
to allow the orderlies to put the strait jacket on him. However, the strap was UNDERNEATH
the jacket and it just wasn't working out. So Kane, the trooper, THROWS the orderlies away
so that they can have a second try at it. Yeah, I'd let these guys try to capture a stray
tiger or something.
|Kenny tackles Kaney down and get a load
of this, Kenny PALMS Kane's area. TOTALLY PALMED it. Wax on, wax off. Okay, it wasn't for
a lengthy amount of time (see, Kenny isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, I would have
kept the hand there). Kenny takes his hand off Kane's nook and cranny like,
"WHOOPSIE.. damn, that thing was hot..' Heh. The orderlies try the strait jacket
again. Bostin is traumatized at this point because she sees orderly panty-lines (hey, at
least no checkered patterned underwear) and I'm traumatized because Kaney's naked arm and
chest area is covered now. I'm also traumatized because Kenny touched his package. It
should have been MEEEEE!!! Sorry.
Oh also, the strait jacket wasn't tied. I think it'd
be more effective if it was secured. Instead it's like big mittens were put on his arms.
|Vinnie is getting pummelled by Mankind. Patterson
and Brisco run out to help but get the same treatment. So they basically just sit huddled
by the gate like two helpless damsels in distress needing to hug each other. The Rock
comes in and rock-bottoms Mankind onto the car hood. HELP MANKIND!! Camera dude, why
didn't you DO ANYTHING?? I think you guys are in on it..
|Finally, HHH vs. Rock. I think Chyna
was wearing a cup. HHH takes the mic, says, 'ARE YOU READY??' Uh, not really, give us a
few minutes. I have to get my underwear on. Bostin doesn't have her shoes..
starts and HBK makes HHH turn his back on Rock by shoving him. Hey Helmsley, can you say
GULLIBLE? Rock's got a new gimmick which is doing commentary in the middle of wrestling.
But maybe he should stop because this time he said, 'you damn dejroni.' Ya can't wrestle
and talk at the same time.
At this point, a security guy confiscated an audience member's sign. I bet they had a
wild chase through the whole arena.. into the bathrooms, the concession stand.. knocking
into the vendor holding the tower of cotton candy.
In the audience we see someone who is perhaps an Austin fan (since he's shaved his head
bald). But keep in mind fellas, before making this drastic decision to shave your hair, it
takes specific skull features to pull off this look. So you may be going for the Austin
look but instead achieve the Billy Corgan look. And worse yet, his bald headed friend(?)
who was sitting next to him, resembled Charlie Brown. Remember, the BALD HEAD look does
not work for EVERYONE.
|Long match, this HHH and Rock match. BUT at the end
HHH loses when the Corporate Team introduces a new character who interferes in the match.
It's that guy
the Motley Crue roadie. He's a tall mofo.. blond.. mm, pretty
interesting. Let's see how he speaks. Heh.
This is Chokee and I talk good English.
Gooder than all a you's.