By Chokee Slam
|December 21, 1998
Before Vince drives
off in his limo, he leaves Shane 'with the store'. Famous last words. Then Shane says, 'I
got a lot to do.' I'm sure it included counting the register, taking inventory (counting
If you're going to be a vulgarian,
you should at least be one who spells correctly.
Before this guy went to the show, I
bet he told his friends, "Hey, this is what my sign is going to say. Look for
me!!" Yeah, they'll be able to tell which one you are. You should have done something
REALLY original like, 'AUSTIN 3:16'.
Shane and the Corporate Team come out. Shawn Michaels sports a Santa hat for the
holiday season. When he took it off though, he had Santa hat head. How tight was that
thing?? You're gonna give yourself an aneurysm, sexy boy toy. What IS a sexy boy toy? Hot
Wheels?? A kid riding one of those could really turn the girls on.
|Testes (y'all know who we mean.. TEST) is with
them. Now he seemed mighty impressive last week. He's 6 ft 5 or so, sort of has that old
Diesel persona; a silent, cool bodyguard. Yet Testes always wore sunglasses. So our
curiosity peaked as to what he looked like without the sunglasses. Cross eyed? Eyes set
too close together?? Set too far apart?? Alien eyes (you know, big and round and consuming
half the face)? At this point of the show, we were still shrouded in the mystery. However,
we did notice that he was wearing leather
chinos?? Hell, they had pleats in them.
Pleats are for the casual male.. the L.L. Bean Man
J. Crew Dude. Leather should be
tight and daring. He's also called The Corporate Insurance Policy. But we will always
think of him as the Corporate Testes.
|Testes, testes .. one .. two .. three???!!
enters onto the ramp followed by Mankind. Aw, Mankind found a gang to be part of. What a
good boy. He hasn't quite mastered the DX hand gestures or the crotch chop but hey, it
adds a little diversity to these overused moves.
Since Mankind waves very well, I think he should use that as his 'gesture'.
|By the way, we'd like to congratulate X-Pac for
getting inked! We noticed his tattoo about two weeks ago when there was still a smear of
Neosporin on it but HEY little buddy, YOU'RE A MAN NOW!!! Mm.. I guess technically I'm
more man than he is. So is Bostin.
Shane challenges Mankind to a match and basically
Mankind's answer is 'HAAAAAAA HWWWAAAAAR!!!! *Choke* .. *sputter*' And HHH
gives the basic, 'got two words for ya..' Mankind chimes in, 'I wanna say it too.. suck it..'
|Meanwhile X-Pac looks like he's on
happy pills. He's smiling like he got some good ganja.
Mark Henry and D'Lo are hanging
outside a dressing room. I don't know if it's the lighting or what, but it looks like
Henry has the letters 'SO' shaved on his stubble. It's that Bobby Brown fad.. shaving
letters into their buzz cuts. SO.. so what.. I guess you forgot a few letters. It should
have been 'SO WIDE.
The Brood's Gangrel enters the ring. Asides from his laughing like Mr. Ed, he has a
tendency to saunter down the ring like, 'I'm bad.. oh yeah.. I'm one bad mutha..' But we
still yearn to see his nightshirt catch on fire from his 'entrance' just so we can see him
stop, drop and roll. This would enable us to have a bit of respect for him.
ALSO vampires should be attractive yet slim. What we have is a chubby vampire. Gangrel
must have been drinking high cholesterol blood types.
|Gangrel vs. Al Snow. Al does his headbanging/
hopping in the ring. Gangrel stands by the side, laughing 'huh HER!!' and thinking, 'Gee,
I wish I had that gimmick.' Of course if he tried hopping in the ring the way Al does,
he'd definitely crash through the mat.
During this match, we see Gangrel pick in his ear
and then looked at what he scooped out. Blech. You know, I don't think vampires have to
deal with ear wax either.
|By the way, Michael Cole's word of the
evening is 'tremendous'. We think he must have said this word 100+ times. 'Al is a
tremendous athlete..' Mm.. we wouldn't say tremendous. He's an average sized wrestler..
Al covers Gangrel for the win and this is where we see a TREMENDOUS slit on
Gangrel's crotch seam. This is the point where Bostin and I laughed the same way Mankind
did earlier in the show. 'HWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAA!!' Well Nosferatu, you're gonna
have to go to the gothic shop for fat vampires to get a new pair of velvet leggings. What
happened, did a gargoyle blow out of your butt?? A sepulchral fart.. all dust.
|The lights go out because Gangrel has to make a mad
dash to the back for a needle and thread. Meanwhile, Al gets doused with corn syrup which
leaves Al laughing and saying, 'Not again.' I think they're trying to go for a 'Carrie'
angle?? Which means he's going to get his first period in the locker room showers. The
other Job Squad members come out to assist him but they didn't want to get covered in the
'blood'. Especially the Blue Meanie. Blood and cotton candy blue would really clash.
|Billy Goat vs. Kenny Shamrock. As Kenny
screams, all the veins are pulling along his neck. It's like his neck will cinch and then
SHOOP, his head's gonna fly right off. Some poor audience member will think it's a HEAD
souvenir but wait until he/she brings it home.
This could have been a worthy sign
except he wasn't holding up signS. He was just holding the one. Still if it was written
correctly, it would be a funny.
We also see an audience member who is wearing a Santa cap. But by the angle he was
being filmed, I thought he had a turban on his head. Gunga Din.
Now we commend Kenny for progressing as a wrestler. He's not HURTING other wrestlers
anymore by breaking their noses in 50 different places. However, we're a little torn about
the gimmick. Since we know he shouldn't have command of the mic (hey Kenny, now that
you're hanging around Shawn Michaels, you can ask him to teach you how to speak like you
just drank a gallon of milk..), we reckon the dumb mute character works for him. Imagine
if he and Kane became a tag team. I mean, who would speak?? They'd have to answer every
question with nods or head shakes.. or stamping the feet once for 'yes', twice for 'no',
and a 'one leg up' for 'I have to pee'.
Billy wins but the belt was never put on the line, says HBK. And just for that, Butt
moons HBK which enrages Kenny to tackle Butt.
|Hawk is pacing backstage. He sports an arm cast
(something that he slips on when he gets into the arena). The only scribbling we can make
out is 'Hawk, Suck it! HHH'.
Hawk enters the ring followed by Droz. Hawk states that
LOD always meant 'Legion of Doom.. Lords of Discipline..' You mean it never meant Loaded
On Drugs? Lots Of Drinking? Lentils Over Dip? Lord Oh Dear! Look Out Dummy! Lipstick On
Droz? Lewd Olfactorous Doodie?
|I can't stop!
Droz hits Hawk from
behind and Animal runs in to save his first love. We see that Droz is wearing classic Doc
Martins. In a size 2100. Remember, Droz has huge feet! Flippers. (Yeah, but don't Docs
come in European sizes? I mean, 2100 could be translated as American size 650, yah
Terri Runnels and Jacqueline invite Mark Henry into their room. From this point on,
everything about this storyline is entirely repulsive and grotesque.
Steve Blackman vs. Blue Blazer. Owen Hart comes out for commentary. This whole Blue
Blazer deal is getting tiring, WWF people. Stop it NOW!! Steve Blackman still asks the
audience if he should unmask the Blue Blazer. Eventually Blackman will look to the
audience for all of his life's decisions. Perhaps he'll stick his head out from behind the
backstage curtains and ask, 'Should I wrestle now? Whatta ya think?' Perhaps during the
match, he'll ask the audience, 'Should I hit him??'
Owen's commentary is about as tremendous as Michael Cole's. So Owen knows he sucks and
decides he'd rather interfere in the match. This cues Goldust to run in as well. Blazer is
unmasked and it turns out to be Jarrett. Is this story going somewhere? I mean, going
Switch cameras to Terri and Jacqueline going to shower together.
SWITCH BACK!! SWITCH BACK!!! There, WWF, you happy. I spewed.
Road Dogg comes out for his match against Big Buzz Cut. Boss Hog. I mean Big Bus Man.
P.S. as stated on the home page, this past Sunday Night Heat, Mr. Dogg took the liberty of
calling Boss Man 'Boss Hog', which is what I called him in my last Raw reports. And we all
remember that Shawn Michaels said 'Big Bus Man' about a week after I wrote it. Mmmmm.
contemplating. Paranoia?? Elation?? Uuh
I'm in a mesh of emotions
right now. Happy, scared??
I need my ovaltine.
Road Dogg takes a swig of his bottled water and spews it upwards. About a minute later,
we see a cascade of water fall down past the camera's view. My goodness. How high up did
he spit that water? So Dogg does a horrible job at improvising on his 'Ladies and
gentlemen' speech. First of all, he said, 'the Road Dogg Jesse James.. the Bad Ass Billy
Gunn..' Yo, your horrible assed boyfriend was backstage. Probably showering. Thinking
about new thongs with tassles on them.
Boss Man's theme. Still the best entrance theme music in the WWF to date. Better than
the Acolytes' one note new-age theme. (Hey, I like the Acolyte's theme, it's better
than Shawn's 'Sexy Boy' song ... B.C.)
|Okay, this match is for the Hardcore Championship.
Big Boss Big says, 'YEW think yew know whut hardcore and hard time means?' I know what
hardcore means. Mick Foley. Heh. Or the Exploited, Minor Threat, Black Flag. Then there's
hardcore metal such as Slayer, Sepultura, Pantera.
|During the match, Boss Man did his Pete
Townshend arm wind-up.. then bopped Dogg, who was bleeding from the mouth. Popped that
cold sore, huh?? Or you didn't moisturize those chapped lips??
Dogg somehow finds a
cookie sheet to hit Boss Man with. Yo, where'd you get that from?? It was Boss Man's
right?? And where are the cookies?? We want some.
I noticed that Boss Man was wearing two belts. I've got one word for ya, Boss. ELASTIC.
But ah, I see that he uses a belt to whip Dogg. Boss Man then starts to take something out
of his cargo vest pocket. I swear, I thought I was going to see a turkey leg. But it was
just powdered sugar (or baby powder if you want to be boring). Dogg kicked that stuff back
into Boss' face however. Too bad Boss didn't have a funnel cake in his mouth at that
At this point (since we were watching Raw on video tape), the picture blacked out. Just
fuzz. 'WHUH happened??!' I screamed. Bostin informs me that she sat on the remote.
She has the remarkable ability to perturb process with her body parts. Once her face
hung up the phone on me while I was talking to her. I do recall another female who stuck
an envelope onto her face. And as for myself, one day I was preparing an all together not
too exciting cup of tea for myself, I took a little sugar packet, opened it up.. and
poured it right into the garbage can. Well, at least these mindless acts are amusing
The match spilled out into the audience, Dogg dumped a garbage can over Boss's head and
we see a smudge of brown stuff on the floor. Could be chocolate.. could be..
the other chocolate.
Oh.. Mankind drops a net over Boss Man and Road Dogg wins the belt.
Back to Terri, Jacqueline and Henry. HURRY, FAST FORWARD!!! We however figure that we
need to endure this horror because something FUNNY might happen. The girls put a choker on
Henry's neck. A choker for Henry is a belt for me. Then Henry has a gag ball in his mouth
and the girls are using whipped cream on him. That's a waste of nitrous oxide. I would
much rather be destroying my brain cells than using it on Henry's tugboat body.
The Jeff Jarrett commercial. He says War Pigs pisses him off? The song?? It's a good
song. It's a long song. It's a good long song. Sometimes I don't know what Ozzy is singing
but then again, who the hell knows what Ozzy even SAYS. He and Keith Richards should have
a conversation together, with Pat Patterson as host. But Patterson wouldn't want to do dat
Speaking of Patterson, he's speaking to Shane. 'You jus cain't do dat
understand.. we're disponsible for dis..' Wow, it gets harder and harder. I'll translate.
Shane just can't do that, you's understand, we're responsible for this.
Patterson isn't done obliterating the English language. 'You jus cain't go in dat
ring..' Shane replies, 'Mankind laughed in my face. I'm taking Mankind out.' Oh yeah?
Where? It's cold out, you're low on gas and he needs a jacket. Heh. Sorry. But take him
out somewhere nice. Mankind is making lots of money for your Poppa these days.
By now, Mark Henry has the whipped cream dripping down his stomach, all around his
area. That looked more like one massive jiz explosion. OH! I grossed myself out.
The Acolytes enter. Bradshaw picks out a wedgie. You didn't think we saw that, huh? We
see EVERYTHING!! They go against Holly and Scorpio. When Farooq and Scorpio are wrestling
against each other, we call it 'battle of the butts'. These two fellas have very bodacious
derrieres. Actually when we look at Farooq (his face, not his butt.. though some rude
people would say it's one and the same.. but I'm not rude.. no, not me) he can look like a
mean mofo yet at the same time, someone's dad. The type of dad that sits in the living
room watching the football game, with some beer and chips. Then the doorbell would ring
and his son's friend would ask him, 'Hello Mr. Simmons, is Bobby home?'
We like to humanize wrestlers. They are after all human. Except for Droz. He's some odd
Next is Shane vs. Mankind. Shane's entrance music sounds similar to Boss Man's. Whoever
wrote the riffs knows his one power chord very well.
This was a very amusing match in which Shane ends up being mat fodder. Then Patterson
runs in, only to have Mankind grab a hold of his nuts. Then the Rock runs in. Then X-Pac
does the face rape move on Shane. Mm, I guess X-Pac is getting a nice Christmas bonus
Shane gets dragged back to the dressing room and Patterson and Crisco start worrying as
they wait for Vince's return. After all, they were 'disponsible' for Shane.
|It's time for D'Lo and Henry to wrestle but Henry
is busy getting whipped by the girls. Also his crotch (actually his thigh) was in a
C-clamp. Good grief. D'lo valiantly proceeds with his match against the Headbangers. All
the while Jerry Lawler is keeping us updated on the events backstage. 'HOT WAX! HOW MANY
GERBILS??!!' Gerbils?? That only brings to mind a nasty segment from 'American Psycho.'
Though in the book, it was a rat. Oh the decadence of our society.
|D'lo loses the match. He cain't handle
two tremendous headbangers by himself. I hope the WWF NEVER tries this storyline again.
DX comes out. Chyna is sporting a lovely leather .. girdle?? HHH aspirates his water
towards the front row seats. Hey you think those people paid $200 bucks for ringside seats
only to get splashed with your backwash? They would have just gone to Walley Sea World or
something to watch the dolphins. At least the dolphins are cuter. Heh.
We see Billy Butt give Chyna an Eskimo kiss. We believe he's after her leather girdle.
|So it's HHH and X-Pac vs. the Rock and Testes.
Testes took the sunglasses off. Oh dude, put them back on. You've got some odd eyebrows.
They kinda overlap onto your eyes, making them seem very small. It's sort of like the
Buffy the Vampire Slayer's vampire make-up. And least we forget his little bunny teeth.
is such a trooper in this match. He runs towards the Rock's foot with his very own
stomach! OOCH, X-pac said. He's good. He stopped that kick with his little abs.
|Cole thought it was 'Tremendous'.
a tremendous sign:
Oh yeah? What are they? We're dieing
Testes ponytail loosens and his platinum blond bob is free to flail about like a
Panteen commercial. The hair with his long legs and high buttocks makes him a very
woman. He's new to the trade however so he kind of exudes an
awkwardness. His arms seem long and gangly and he really doesn't know what to do with
them. They don't even touch his sides. They just flop about around him..
If someone spinned him, his arms would extend out like propellers.
|Then the lights go out.. it's KANEY! And he's
pointing the way!! I'm not talking about his fingers. It's those new cups again!!! I LOVE
those new cups!!!!
I thought Kane was still in the asylum. I was going to send him a Bop
It to keep him occupied.
Kane grabs HHH to choke slam him. Kenny reacts by doing a jumping jack. Mm.. okay. I
can't figure out a reasoning behind that except it's performance art or trying to
obscurely extract a wedgie.
|Cole screams, 'Kane's got Bad Ass!'
Actually Coleski, Kane's got good ass. It's a clean ass. It's a good clean ass. Maybe it
was a tremendous ass. (No, Fatu has a tremendous ass! ... B.C.)
almost slams the Rock, but Shawn Michaels hops around like Daffy Duck. This is basically
body language which means, 'whoo hoo whoo hoo WHOO!' X-Pac makes a bold move again, runs
himself into Kane.. 'me, me, it's my turn!' And kaboom, the slam of the week for little
Kane is about to grab Chyna (after all, she elbowed him in the face) and then
End of the episode. You guys bite.
This is Chokee Bite..