Before Vince drives off in his limo, he leaves Shane 'with the store'. Famous last words. Then Shane says, 'I got a lot to do.' I'm sure it included counting the register, taking inventory (counting wrestler heads).

Sign:

If you're going to be a vulgarian, you should at least be one who spells correctly.

Another sign:

Before this guy went to the show, I bet he told his friends, "Hey, this is what my sign is going to say. Look for me!!" Yeah, they'll be able to tell which one you are. You should have done something REALLY original like, 'AUSTIN 3:16'.

DX enters onto the ramp followed by Mankind. Aw, Mankind found a gang to be part of. What a good boy. He hasn't quite mastered the DX hand gestures or the crotch chop but hey, it adds a little diversity to these overused moves.

Mark Henry and D'Lo are hanging outside a dressing room. I don't know if it's the lighting or what, but it looks like Henry has the letters 'SO' shaved on his stubble. It's that Bobby Brown fad.. shaving letters into their buzz cuts. SO.. so what.. I guess you forgot a few letters. It should have been 'SO WIDE.

The Brood's Gangrel enters the ring. Asides from his laughing like Mr. Ed, he has a tendency to saunter down the ring like, 'I'm bad.. oh yeah.. I'm one bad mutha..' But we still yearn to see his nightshirt catch on fire from his 'entrance' just so we can see him stop, drop and roll. This would enable us to have a bit of respect for him.

Signage:

This could have been a worthy sign except he wasn't holding up signS. He was just holding the one. Still if it was written correctly, it would be a funny.

We also see an audience member who is wearing a Santa cap. But by the angle he was being filmed, I thought he had a turban on his head. Gunga Din.

Now we commend Kenny for progressing as a wrestler. He's not HURTING other wrestlers anymore by breaking their noses in 50 different places. However, we're a little torn about the gimmick. Since we know he shouldn't have command of the mic (hey Kenny, now that you're hanging around Shawn Michaels, you can ask him to teach you how to speak like you just drank a gallon of milk..), we reckon the dumb mute character works for him. Imagine if he and Kane became a tag team. I mean, who would speak?? They'd have to answer every question with nods or head shakes.. or stamping the feet once for 'yes', twice for 'no', and a 'one leg up' for 'I have to pee'.

Droz hits Hawk from behind and Animal runs in to save his first love. We see that Droz is wearing classic Doc Martins. In a size 2100. Remember, Droz has huge feet! Flippers. (Yeah, but don't Docs come in European sizes?  I mean, 2100 could be translated as American size 650, yah know... B.C.)

Terri Runnels and Jacqueline invite Mark Henry into their room. From this point on, everything about this storyline is entirely repulsive and grotesque.

Steve Blackman vs. Blue Blazer. Owen Hart comes out for commentary. This whole Blue Blazer deal is getting tiring, WWF people. Stop it NOW!! Steve Blackman still asks the audience if he should unmask the Blue Blazer. Eventually Blackman will look to the audience for all of his life's decisions. Perhaps he'll stick his head out from behind the backstage curtains and ask, 'Should I wrestle now? Whatta ya think?' Perhaps during the match, he'll ask the audience, 'Should I hit him??'

Owen's commentary is about as tremendous as Michael Cole's. So Owen knows he sucks and decides he'd rather interfere in the match. This cues Goldust to run in as well. Blazer is unmasked and it turns out to be Jarrett. Is this story going somewhere? I mean, going somewhere interesting?

Switch cameras to Terri and Jacqueline going to shower together.

SWITCH BACK!! SWITCH BACK!!! There, WWF, you happy. I spewed.

Road Dogg comes out for his match against Big Buzz Cut. Boss Hog. I mean Big Bus Man. P.S. as stated on the home page, this past Sunday Night Heat, Mr. Dogg took the liberty of calling Boss Man 'Boss Hog', which is what I called him in my last Raw reports. And we all remember that Shawn Michaels said 'Big Bus Man' about a week after I wrote it. Mmmmm. Pondering… contemplating. Paranoia?? Elation?? Uuh… I'm in a mesh of emotions right now. Happy, scared??

I need my ovaltine.

Road Dogg takes a swig of his bottled water and spews it upwards. About a minute later, we see a cascade of water fall down past the camera's view. My goodness. How high up did he spit that water? So Dogg does a horrible job at improvising on his 'Ladies and gentlemen' speech. First of all, he said, 'the Road Dogg Jesse James.. the Bad Ass Billy Gunn..' Yo, your horrible assed boyfriend was backstage. Probably showering. Thinking about new thongs with tassles on them.

Dogg somehow finds a cookie sheet to hit Boss Man with. Yo, where'd you get that from?? It was Boss Man's right?? And where are the cookies?? We want some.

I noticed that Boss Man was wearing two belts. I've got one word for ya, Boss. ELASTIC. But ah, I see that he uses a belt to whip Dogg. Boss Man then starts to take something out of his cargo vest pocket. I swear, I thought I was going to see a turkey leg. But it was just powdered sugar (or baby powder if you want to be boring). Dogg kicked that stuff back into Boss' face however. Too bad Boss didn't have a funnel cake in his mouth at that point.

At this point (since we were watching Raw on video tape), the picture blacked out. Just fuzz. 'WHUH happened??!' I screamed. Bostin informs me that she sat on the remote.

She has the remarkable ability to perturb process with her body parts. Once her face hung up the phone on me while I was talking to her. I do recall another female who stuck an envelope onto her face. And as for myself, one day I was preparing an all together not too exciting cup of tea for myself, I took a little sugar packet, opened it up.. and poured it right into the garbage can. Well, at least these mindless acts are amusing memories.

The match spilled out into the audience, Dogg dumped a garbage can over Boss's head and .. eew… we see a smudge of brown stuff on the floor. Could be chocolate.. could be.. the other chocolate.

Oh.. Mankind drops a net over Boss Man and Road Dogg wins the belt.

Back to Terri, Jacqueline and Henry. HURRY, FAST FORWARD!!! We however figure that we need to endure this horror because something FUNNY might happen. The girls put a choker on Henry's neck. A choker for Henry is a belt for me. Then Henry has a gag ball in his mouth and the girls are using whipped cream on him. That's a waste of nitrous oxide. I would much rather be destroying my brain cells than using it on Henry's tugboat body.

The Jeff Jarrett commercial. He says War Pigs pisses him off? The song?? It's a good song. It's a long song. It's a good long song. Sometimes I don't know what Ozzy is singing but then again, who the hell knows what Ozzy even SAYS. He and Keith Richards should have a conversation together, with Pat Patterson as host. But Patterson wouldn't want to do dat dink.

Speaking of Patterson, he's speaking to Shane. 'You jus cain't do dat… yoos understand.. we're disponsible for dis..' Wow, it gets harder and harder. I'll translate. Shane just can't do that, you's understand, we're responsible for this.

Patterson isn't done obliterating the English language. 'You jus cain't go in dat ring..' Shane replies, 'Mankind laughed in my face. I'm taking Mankind out.' Oh yeah? Where? It's cold out, you're low on gas and he needs a jacket. Heh. Sorry. But take him out somewhere nice. Mankind is making lots of money for your Poppa these days.

By now, Mark Henry has the whipped cream dripping down his stomach, all around his area. That looked more like one massive jiz explosion. OH! I grossed myself out.

The Acolytes enter. Bradshaw picks out a wedgie. You didn't think we saw that, huh? We see EVERYTHING!! They go against Holly and Scorpio. When Farooq and Scorpio are wrestling against each other, we call it 'battle of the butts'. These two fellas have very bodacious derrieres. Actually when we look at Farooq (his face, not his butt.. though some rude people would say it's one and the same.. but I'm not rude.. no, not me) he can look like a mean mofo yet at the same time, someone's dad. The type of dad that sits in the living room watching the football game, with some beer and chips. Then the doorbell would ring and his son's friend would ask him, 'Hello Mr. Simmons, is Bobby home?'

We like to humanize wrestlers. They are after all human. Except for Droz. He's some odd mammal.

Next is Shane vs. Mankind. Shane's entrance music sounds similar to Boss Man's. Whoever wrote the riffs knows his one power chord very well.

This was a very amusing match in which Shane ends up being mat fodder. Then Patterson runs in, only to have Mankind grab a hold of his nuts. Then the Rock runs in. Then X-Pac does the face rape move on Shane. Mm, I guess X-Pac is getting a nice Christmas bonus then.

Vinnie has returned.

DX comes out. Chyna is sporting a lovely leather .. girdle?? HHH aspirates his water towards the front row seats. Hey you think those people paid $200 bucks for ringside seats only to get splashed with your backwash? They would have just gone to Walley Sea World or something to watch the dolphins. At least the dolphins are cuter. Heh.

Ooh, a tremendous sign:

Oh yeah? What are they? We're dieing to know!

Testes ponytail loosens and his platinum blond bob is free to flail about like a Panteen commercial. The hair with his long legs and high buttocks makes him a very attractive … woman. He's new to the trade however so he kind of exudes an awkwardness. His arms seem long and gangly and he really doesn't know what to do with them. They don't even touch his sides. They just flop about around him..

I thought Kane was still in the asylum. I was going to send him a Bop It to keep him occupied.

Kane almost slams the Rock, but Shawn Michaels hops around like Daffy Duck. This is basically body language which means, 'whoo hoo whoo hoo WHOO!' X-Pac makes a bold move again, runs himself into Kane.. 'me, me, it's my turn!' And kaboom, the slam of the week for little Pac.

Kane is about to grab Chyna (after all, she elbowed him in the face) and then… and then…

End of the episode. You guys bite.

This is Chokee Bite..