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By Chokee Slam
| Albany, NY Since Vince took Kane out
of the asylum, he is now a relunctant part of the Corporate Team. The poor red dear. On
Heat Kane even had to get coffee for Vinnie. I can't imagine Kane going down to the local
7-11, ordering a few cups of joe using that little cancer kazoo of his. I can bet that he
hawked many loogies into Vinnie's cup but hopefully he took the mask off first. And I hope
he picked up a few packs of Nutra-Sweet. Some people, like the Big Bossy Man, need to
watch their diet.
The Corporate Team is looking for Mankind in the boiler room. Patterson has his script
in his back pocket. I guess he didn't have time to study his lines since he's been too
busy making sure Kane doesn't lag behind as the 'Team' walks around. Hey, you ever heard
of a collar? The retractable ones, they come in nice iridescent colors and daring designs;
such as cow patterns, tartan.
By the way, the script says:
(beat up on Mankind)
Mankind: 'AGGA…AAAH… AGGA…'
Kenny: 'AAAAAAAH!! ARF! ARF!'
Patterson: 'I can't do dis dink..'
Kane: (thinking) 'I wonder who sent me a Bop It in the asylum..'
Kenny: (thinking) 'I WILL speak on this episode of Raw. I'll show those two Mad Phat
Freaks!!'
Road Dogg vs. Val Venis for the Hardcore Belt. Whoever wins this match will meet
Mankind. Meet him for some coffee or tea, a muffin. (I'm up for that!) Okay, for the
Hardcore Title Belt.
Sign:
Well, you've got your basic AA's for
walkmans and remotes, 9-Volts for smoke detectors or whammy pedals, and your basic 12
quantity of AAA's for your multi-functional horse powered vibrator. But I wouldn't know
anything about that.
Another sign person lets us know that this episode of Raw was brought to you by the
letter:
Thank you. |
| Road Dogg makes it a POINT to say, 'The Bad Ass is
not with me…' I don't know, I'd say your bad ass is right behind you where it's
always been. OH! To continue, '..and I'm not the tag champ but I'm gonna say it anyway..'
Alright, if it makes you happy. But dude, it still doesn't apply. Billy Butt STILL isn't
with you and you're STILL not tag team champion.. (And we're STILL annoyed by
that stupid rant... B.C.) |
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| The Corporation comes out during this
match to do their little posing, vogueing, etc. Testes has sent his leather chinos to the
dry cleaners and opts for basic blue jeans. At first, we thought his name was Tess.
He's is a pretty man. (He is? ...B.C.) I'm very curious as to the
origin of the name TEST but am very content with just calling him Testes. Oh, Doggie won
by DQ.
Vinnie comes out with the Corp. to talk about WHY Shawn Michaels didn't help Shane last
week. Vinnie states that 'Shane was raped.' Actually it was X-Pac that raped him with the
face raping bronco move and I hope he got a good bonus for that extra bit of work.
Meanwhile, Kane was standing behind them all, staring straight up to the rafters. He was
probably keeping himself occupied by reading signage.
As Vince speaks, Billy Butt starts knocking his knees together. This could be because
he was mocking Vinnie's threats or he had to let the air circulate in between his legs.
Trapped odor is deadly odor. Vinnie states he will publicly fire Shawn. By the way, if
there's anyone you should fire, it should be your make-up person who forgot to put make-up
on your nose. It was about five shades darker than the rest of your face. |
| Al Snow comes out still covered in blood (from the
'Blood Bath' last week). Hey guys, when blood dries, it turns brown. Jerry is trying to
tell us that Al hasn't showered all week. Funny, he didn't find a shower but was able to
find the arena for the next Raw show. (SSSSSSSHHHH…. B.C.) |
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| Backstage, as Vinnie speaks to Kane
about taking care of DX, Vinnie's got his somewhat cupped hands positioned right in front
of Kane's breasts. Come on Vinnie, I know you wanna squeeze them. Who in their right mind
wouldn't want to. Well, yes, I'm not in my right mind but what does that have to do with
anything. Meanwhile Patterson and Crisco are making fun of him behind his back. Vinnie
screams to Kane 'LOOK AT ME!' But perhaps he can't because Vinnie's got a booger flying in
and out of his nose and he'll start laughing.
Al vs. Edge. The camera scans the audience for Edge who is to enter the ring through
the crowds. Smart idea, you can grab a hot dog prior to your match. As Edge is coming in
from the crowd, we hear a girl screaming in the audience. He must have stepped on that
poor girl's toe.
In this match, Al should have used his B.O. to his advantage (like using the Dragon
Sleeper, aka Dreaded Armpit Submission move). He had the perfect opportunity when Edge had
Al sitting on his shoulders! But I guess Al had other things to think about.. his sanity,
his happy marriage and all that, you know.
Someone in the audience has a dry erase board so he can write various witty statements
throughout the show. And you know what he comes up with?? 'BROOD'. A non-English speaking
person would have come up with something better.
Hey, if Head and Edge mated, they'd have a Hedge. (OH! That sucks!!!! heh heh.
I approve! ... B.C.)
Al goes buck wild and starts pummelling Edge (with Head) using 'horror-movie-like'
stabbing motions. JOB Squad runs in and Duane Gill is knocked onto the canvas by Head in
about 3 seconds. Oh Duane.
Footage of Sable stretching backstage and we ask, how the HELL are you supposed to
wrestle with those manicured nails, you dolt!
Slam of the week: footage of Sable slamming Jacqueline from last month's Survivor
Series. Uh, donchathink you should rename it to Slam of Last Month? I know time goes by
pretty fast and last month actually DOES seem like last week. As a matter of fact, last
week felt like yesterday and today is starting to feel like just a day. But last month
felt more like 2 long days that never stopped and the month before that………
Sorry. |
| X-Pac is backstage talking to Dennis Knight,
formerly Phinneas Oh God Win, perhaps asking, 'So…. ya wrestle much?? Well, do you?'
Over this segment, we hear Sable's entrance 'cat' growl. I swear I thought X or P.I.G.
made that sound. |
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| Sable vs. the masked Spider Lady. Sable
basically gets her ass kicked so the Oddities run in to peel Ms. Arachnid off Sable.
Unmask Spider Lady and hey, it's Luna! At this point, Michael Cole says, 'Luna was Spider
Lady!' Uh.. thanks Cole. You're on the ball. We didn't see that JUST happen. Anyways,
George 'the Animal' Steele stops Luna by saying, 'HEY!' You tell her, you hairy beast. X-Pac
vs. BB Man. Frank N. Steiner seems to think that X-Pac has a tongue wagging problem. I
don't know, but from a woman's point of view, I see NO PROBLEM!!
I see that Big Boss has been taking lessons from Kenny Shamrock as he attempts the
'crotch of steel' move on little X-Pac. But I think in order for this move to be truly
affective, you should be in good shape. Instead little X-Pac was hit with what probably
felt like two little nerf balls on his back. (I would like to point out the Boss Man
REALLY did lose weight (perhaps a good 500 pounds). We've seen old pictures of him and he
has since slimmed down quite a bit so instead of an elephant, he's more like a.. smaller
elephant.) … I'm sorry.
Albany people have a pretty immense amount of obscene signs. Unfortunately profanity
without creativity is just shock value (like Andrew Dice Clay). And profanity just isn't
very shocking anymore. We had a multiple person sign which said: 'FUCK IT', but security
confiscated the 'F' so they were left with:
I suggest that when letters (or the
people holding the letters) get confiscated from multiple person signage, you must act
quick and start switching seats to make a comprehendable statement. You guys could have
spelled 'U TICK' (which you can use when Gangrel comes out to wrestle) (for some reason,
Gangrel resembles a bloated tick to me). Or perhaps, 'I TUCK'.
Boss Man performs a backbreaker on X-Pac, then pushes X's little body off his thigh.
Boss then kept his arms outstretched in front of him for about 3 minutes. He was telling
the camera man, 'Here, I give you my only son. Baby Pac.' Anyways this match ends up with
a Testes sighting. Venis the Peni then runs in.. only to get beat up by Testes (my, those
must be hard tough testes.. sorry) and BB.
Silly segment of Vince training for his Royal Rumble battle with a quasi Rocky theme
playing in the background. I think he drank about 6 raw eggs. Yo Vinnie, SALMONELLA!!!
Also, for inspiration, he screams 'I HATE Austin!' But it sounded more like 'I ATE
AUSTIN!!' Well, pork is the other white meat.
Steve Blackman/ Goldust vs. Owen Hart/ Jeff Jarrett. Goldust is sticking out the tip of
his tongue. Did you burn it?? Did you put your tongue to a battery?? If you did, did you
make that scrunched up face when you get a shock from the battery?
Owen comes out marketing his new shirt which says 'ENOUGH IS ENOUGH'. The back is like
'pictionary'. It says, 'IT'S (clock) FOR A CHANGE'. Didn't take much graphic designing to
pull that shirt off.
We see that Debra has greased her legs again, upgrading from Land-o-Lakes to Country
Crock. Just some words of advice though, make sure you use some flour also, you don't
wanna stick to the pan.
Multiple signage gone wrong:
I say this on occasion, like when I
see headlights of a car fast approaching. |
| Dan Severn makes an appearance during this match,
still wearing the neck brace. Owen starts backing away from Dan, who is incessantly
babbling. He's probably telling Owen, 'Hey, hey you… you!! I have to tell you
something… slow down, I can't catch up with you..' |
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| Out in the parking lot, the Acolytes
runs towards Dennis Knight's car. Farooq reaches the trunk and slams his fist on the
trunk. 'Grr.. Hulk Farooq.. SMASH..' They stuff Knight into the trunk and drive off.. in
their wrestling tights. You guys didn't even have a jacket on! You know the casualties of
leaving the wrestling arena being shirtless and wearing danskins?? Multiple rapes!!! HHH
(with his DX's) enter. Y'know, the interspersing of DX footage with their entrance footage
has GOTS to stop. Epileptic seizures will be forthcoming, then people will start stuffing
wallets into my mouth, which is alright if they've got lots of money in them.
HHH takes the mic and is about to do the speech. But it comes out this way, 'are you
REEEEAA…'
HHH vs. Shamrock. During Kenny's entrance, the cameraman finds Kenny's eggplant (in his
tights).. and stayed there. Mesmerizing isn't it? Something so huge tends to be hypnotic.
During the match, Kenny's butt got SO close to the camera, I could almost smell the
eggplant.
Kane is standing by ring side with hand on hips, shaking his head as he watches them.
'Boy, you guys suck. People think you're wrestlers??'
Also at ringside is X-Pac who tries to encourage HHH by flapping his arms. Maybe he
figured he could take flight and throw encouragement while hovering above the ring, kinda
like Obi-Wan's voice guiding Luke Skywalker.
Kenny puts the ankle lock on HHH and doesn't let go therefore ending the match in a DQ.
I wonder how Kenny would feel putting the ankle lock on a barefooted wrestler. I don't
think you'd be the toughest knife in the drawer... |
| Eventually all of DX enters the ring which results
in a mess. Patterson and Crisco try to get Kane to handle the situation but Kane just
doesn't feel like it. I mean he must be tired. Maybe all he wants is a warm bed… some
juice. Eventually, Kane obliges. His body language whines, "AAAAW, ALRIGHT!!! I'LL
GO!" But by the time he went in the ring, everyone cleared out. Kane stood in the
ring like, 'There, done.' |
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| Billy Gunn is backstage being interviewed. Kenny
walks by and NEWSFLASH!! Kenny SPEAKS!!! It's been about a month since he spoke, right??
BUT Kenny actually does a GOOD JOB!! Kenny didn't try for the low gruff tone but rather
just yelled at Gunn with authority!! Gunn was near speechless that he just may as well
said, 'OH YEAH!!??' We are SO proud of you Kenny. You were thinking of Mad Phat when you
said your lines, I bet. Either way, it was GREAT! We stand and applaud. |
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| As Mark Henry makes his public apology
to Chyna for the horror that happened last week, someone from the audience hits a laser
pointer on his face. Watch it, you're gonna burn his eye out. So Terri and Jacqueline come
out. They now call themselves PMS which means Pretty Mean Sisters. I reckon it took them a
whole month to figure out that acronym, huh? Here, let me help you. Pathetically Moody
Sluts, Positively Mindless Speakers, Pick My Spleen. We see Terri walk in and as she's getting into the ring, the camera gets a
shot under her dress and we see some white material sticking out from her panties. Flying
on the wings of a maxi? Which means.. period time? BUT HEY!! Is she not pregnant.. you
mean… it's a LIE??
D'Lo tells the girls off but then before he can
finish, Chyna comes sauntering down the ramp with her hip hugger hot pants which sends me
into traumatic shock. Chyna tells PMS in that whiny voice of hers, 'Stay away from my
man.' She grabs Jac by the throat, throws her backwards and whoosh, one of Jac's shoes fly
overhead. Those were dangerous stilettos too. It could have poked an eye out or speared
someone. |
| Corporate team is backstage looking frantically for
somebody. But I bet Boss Man was looking for his Twinkies and Kenny was searching for
another gallon of half and half, to REV up for his next speaking segment. Since they
didn't find what they truly wanted, they start beating up on Godfather. WET SPOT ! Kane's
got a HUGE one shaped like a 'W'! Maybe Kane is trying to tell the world something and
since he can't speak, he has to spell it out on his butt via Wet Spot Art. The first
letter is W. We'll have to see what the whole message would be. This may take a few months
or even a year. But don't worry, the year will feel like two months.. |
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| Billy Butt's in the ring and ah geez,
grabs the mic. He said, 'I should be the Interc-c-c-c..' If you can't even say it, I
reckon you shouldn't be it. So Bully Bitt (whoops) was supposed to go against Godfather
but Shane says there's a change in plans. He has to fight.. KANEY!! Kane does his
fireworks entrance. He looks at Billy like, 'There, what did you think of that?? The girls
really love it when I do that!' The match commences and Kenny interferes by putting an
ankle lock on Billy outside the ring. Kane stands lonely and dejected in the ring like,
'Hey, where'd he go, I was playing with him.' DX runs in to save their Butt and Kane ends
up outside the ring. But as he tries to go back in, he straddles the ring rope which is
wedged FIRMLY in red buttocks. 'Hey, this feels good. Momma never told me about this.'
Rock comes out wearing the Corporate Pajamas. Well they weren't pajamas but the pattern
was screaming every which way. Where do you put the batteries for that shirt?
Road Dogg vs. Mankind. Doggie does his speech AGAIN??! How about surprising us one day
by getting in the ring and just say, 'Hello.'
Backstage we see HBK enter the arena with a little suitcase. Is your laptop in there,
Shawn??
In this Hardcore match, they use tables, a toolbox, the cookie sheet. Is one of the
wrestler's mommies making cookies for you guys backstage?? Are they good?? The table
eventually ends up being sucked up by the audience. 'SOUVENIR!!!' It'd be an odd sight
seeing those guys carrying a table home. Probably not as odd as my ex-roommate toting a
HUGE twat sculpture. By now people who read my reports know that I have odd friends.
So the Rock interferes and causes Mankind to lose the match. Doggie sees the replay on
the titantron and then says, 'no I don't want it like that.. I don't want it like that..'
Yeah so why are you taking the belt with you then?
Vinnie calls out HBK who enters to his Boy Toy theme. Hey, is that Shawn singing that
song?? Does he do the 'sexy booooy' back-up also??
Cole says, "Shawn must be shocked.. he just arrived in the arena..' NAAAW.. Cole
you brat, Shawn got the memo. He knows what's going to happen. |
| Vinnie tells Shawn that he sucks as a
commissioner and he's fired. HKB kicks Vinnie in the mush and then does some crotch
thrusting over Vinnie. Bostin thinks he was practically sitting on his face. But HEY, we
actually see Shawn's pants tenting in the crotch area. Eew, you getting excited over
Vinnie Mac?? I worry about you. |
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| Shawn then jets into the crowd. Darn,
HKB didn't even get a chance to speak. We couldn't hear him rolling his phlegm around his
throat and perhaps say, 'I've had 50 milk-shakes and a double cheese pizza pie. The power
of CHEESE makes me speak with this manly, gruff voice!' Mm, that sounds good. It's time
for dinner!
Chokee Slam
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