By Chokee Slam
|The Rock continually gloats that he's
got a pay per view event named after him. BUT technically it's named after his ass. But I
guess that's good also.
Flashback of the Austin and Undertaker saga. Undertaker says,
'AWSTIN..' Hey UT, you're originally from Brooklyn, aye?? Yeah, I remember you. You were
the little guy going after Grace Terminato, the chick with the big bazoogas. Don't worry,
your secret is safe with me.
Anyways, Undertaker says, 'AWSTIN, I could take your rotting corpse whenever I want.'
THEN he should have said, 'but not right now. I don't feel like it right now. I have to
eat first. Then digest.'
Venis and Godfather come out with the hoes. One of the girls jacked herself up on the
shoes.. TWICE. Heh. Don't worry, it's common to spaz out on platform shoes. I do it all
the time. My arms start flailing and my body contorts. I just refuse to hit the ground so
I fight it all the way.
|Godfather is wearing a lime green outfit this time.
(He's like a big pea pod.. B.C.) I don't know, I think of a giant green apple Jolly
Rancher. I always preferred the watermelon flavor though.
The hoes look more interested
in each other actually. But that's understandable, judging from their company.
|Venis and Godfather go against Mark
Henry and D'Lo with Terri Runnels and Jacqueline. And after being blinded by seeing Venis'
thongs, I fainted from the sheer horror of it. But was easily revived with the aromatic
odor of PUDDING under my nose. Thanks Bostin.
Unfortunately JR is still missing from
commentary. We have Michael Cole who really should switch to announcing for a really
exciting, extreme, gut wrenching, dramatic golf tournament. (Upside, I read at
the official WWF site that JR is trying his darndest to get back by Royal Rumble!
Get well JR! ... B.C.)
Dok Hendrix is interviewing HHH and Chyna. HHH is saying something but I was completely
distracted from the glossy nailpolish he wore. Mm.. the shimmer goes with your tights.
|Headbangers vs. The Oddities. Mosh is always
fashion conscious and aware of what's hip and now as he sports a side slit in his skirt to
show off a little sexy leg. One point in the match, Kurgen is approaching Mosh who is
humbled in a corner turnbuckle and we see Mosh say something to Kurgen. Now we all know
that they converse as they wrestle in order to put on a good convincing performance. We
believe Mosh told Kurgen, 'psst.. Look out behind you, Thrash is coming in.'
|Headbangers won and as Mosh is walking
back towards the ramp, an audience member totally shoved him. Mosh went up to this
jackass' face and barked at him. Mosh barked so hard, the jackass' eyes closed shut and I
was waiting for the guy's hat to be blown off his head. Geez, listen MOE-RON, it's a SHOW!
Sometimes I wonder why people spend so much time hating someone they don't even know. Mosh
should have popped that guy one. (Yeah! ... B.C.)
Owen Hart vs. Blackman. Owen
wants to soften up Blackman. I say use a meat tenderizer. Or the Downy ball. They work.
Frank N. Steiner was really hoping for the return of Dan Severn as the Blue Blazer. But if
Dan masqueraded as the Blue Blazer, you'd tell RIGHT AWAY. I mean he'd be shaped like a
washing machine and that would take the surprise out of it. But then Dan can just throw
Blackman into his stomach with the Downy Ball and Blackman will be washed and softened.
Sorry. I really didn't have to go there.
Still.. Blackman is a lethal weapon.. to himself. He fell for Owen's kick to the head
move TWICE! You know there's no excuse for falling for the same move twice. (Except for
genetic defect.. FNS)
Owen gave up the match though (he must have thought, 'Enough is enough!! And I'm out of
here!') and Blackman wins.
|Camera switches to an advertisement for the Mankind
match but they're still playing Blackman's theme music in the background. It was a
different version though, perhaps the dance mix.. the 12" single lethal weapon
Vinnie Mac is looking for Mankind and finds him in his 'office' under the
Cole lets us know that this event is telecast from 'General Motors Place'. What kind of
name is that for a
place?? Talk about generic.
|Job Squad (Al Snow, Scorpio and Buddy Holly.. sorry
Bob Holly) vs. The Brood. Another theory as to why Gangrel is always laughing is because
of the ring of fire he emerges from. The fire eats away at the oxygen and that causes him
to get loopy. No? Well then, you come up with something smartie pants.
|Cole says that the Brood doesn't hang
out much in the backstage area. He tries to find them in order to get some information but
he can't find them. Cole, you uneducated simp, you should know that they're probably
hanging upside down on the scaffolds. They're vampires donchaknow.
|Edge doesn't look much like a vampire however. He
resembles a mantis. It's the oogly boogly eyes that do it I reckon.
OH, I saw Al bulge!
But alas, poor Bostin missed it. (Daaaaaammn! Hafta catch that on the video tape
later ... heh heh heh... B.C.)
HEY Frank N. Steiner even saw Al bulge!! Alas, Bostin missed it again. You must reap
the opportunities dear flake. And WHY was FNS looking at AL Bulge??? (Daaaammn!!!
Daaaaammnn!!! What the hell?!?! ... B.C.)
|Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichael vs
Goldust in the strip match. As Jarrett and Goldie stand in their respective corners, Cole
says, 'Jarrett goes to work on Goldust.' Cole's in a time zone one minute ahead. Jarrett
was actually just standing there.. the only thing he was working on was LOOKING at
Between those two, there was a hell of a lot of lam'e in the ring. Perhaps
they should try for a velour match. You know when that material rubs against each other,
it ends up all bunched, twisted backwards and sideways around your body. Then you can work
off the static electricity and shock your opponent with a mere touch.
Here's a suggestion though on how to beat Goldust. You must act quick though, before he
takes off his robe. Grab one of those ostrich feathers from his robe, then stab it into
the back of his neck. Then you win the match, and have a lovely fowl dinner as well. But
what does Jarrett know.
Though Goldust lost the match, HBK comes out to tell Debra she still has to strip
because she interfered in the match. She starts to enjoy it and Shawn takes out his wallet
and slips a $100 bill into her bosom. WOW.. Shawn carries a lot of dough in his wallet. I
say we wait for him in the parking lot and mug him.
Just kidding. I do not condone muggings, drive-bys nor unauthorized ass slapping or
Lawler states that he only has a credit card and no cash to slip to Debra. I think you
still could have used the card, Jerry. Just swipe it down in between the bosoms.
Self advertising. WWF cologne. Does it smell like wrestlers??
Vinnie exits Mankind's 'office' but
slow mo on the tape!! Down the hallway from
Vince, we see Mankind talking to the Rock!! HEY!!! But
Mankind.. stairs.. Rock..
HEEEEY!!!! This is throwing me off my WWF storyline equilibrium. THEY CAN'T BE
FRIENDS!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Actually, this was highly amusing. Mankind and Rock were most
likely discussing how the match would progress and who is going to carpool after the show.
NAO vs. Kenny Shamrock and Boss Man. Billy Butt does the basic spaz-out, 'if you're not
down with it, we got 2 words for ya!!!' The words should have been 'POPPED
BLOOD-VESSEL'!!! Or 'OUCH ANEURYSM'!!
Here we see a walking man's marquee signage:
|Fact is if this sign wasn't traveling across the
screen, it wouldn't have been as funny.
Rock vs. Mankind. During Heat, Mankind attacked
Rock in a highly comedic segment so the Corporate ribs were hurting. But Mankind had a
document that stated if the Rock could not wrestle, he would have to forfeit the title.
|We see a sign in the background.
Someone illustrated the Rock.. but it looked more like Spock. Ah.. the audience member
thought that The Spock was going to wrestle this night. Sorry dude. The Star Trek
convention is down the road. Spooock!! The Corporate Vulcan.
Vinnie tries to get Mankind
to cross out the one little clause in the document. But Mankind says, 'Think back dad,
when the Rock turned me into the sharpshooter.' The wrestling move?? How do you do that?
Mankind wants Vinnie to admit to the world that he never said 'I quit..'
But of course.. the Rock attacked Mankind and the match is on. Rock attempts to do
commentary in the middle of the match. Some female fans standing behind him were like, 'we
can smell what the Rock is cooking.. it's B.O.!!'
We don't see cottage cheese thighs on Mankind anymore. Maybe he used cellulite cream.
The Rock shnots. Shnotting is when someone uses one finger to compress a nostril down
and blows THINGS out of the other nostril. It's very disgusting and, considering Rock is
supposed to be a sex symbol, uncharacteristic. Stop it.. Spoooock..
Mankind does win with the help of Socko. But it wasn't a submission or pin so Mankind
doesn't win the title. Mankind goes after Vinnie and the rest of the stooges run in and
eventually so do the attack dogs, Kenny and Boss.
Y'know, the Rock has much spit to spare. We wonder if he has a drooling problem when he
sleeps. Does he have to change his pillow case every day?
Flashback of Undertaker, when he 'crucified' Austin. UT was standing by his symbol,
touching it. Was there a smudge there or someone left a fingerprint?
|This is the Buried Alive match and there's a mound
of dirt and a grave for the backdrop. Cole says the grave is 4 feet wide. AW.. that's not
wide enough for Austin. Just kidding.
UT comes in, hair moist. He seems to comb it down
against his face. I suppose that's better than the fly-away hair he had problems with
|This match goes from the ring to the
mound of dirt and Austin's bare body is eventually soiled dirty. SO when UT pulls on his
tights, we see Austin's whiter-than-usual ass. It's practically neon. I think if Austin
was stranded on an island, he needs to only flash his pan and it would signal the rescue
planes. Well, I reckon looking right at his ass is equivalent to staring into the sun.
Some people like to stare straight into the sun. (I look directly at it, but only with
the aid of one of those eclipse do-hickies... B.C.)
|Eventually Austin ends up in the grave and his head
is ducked down. He looked like he was reading the walls of the grave. Perhaps there were
as many scribblings there as a bathroom wall contains. Some examples would be 'Kane wuz
here', 'For a good time, call Steven Regal', 'Brooklyn Brawler Rulz', 'Undertaker Sux.
Signed Kane.' And of course:
UT luvs KANE
|We also notice that UT has a stylish
type of boot. It's as if it has foreskin on it. Actually it's just a flap (velcro?)
enclosure.. as opposed to ties or a zipper. I'll call it UT's foreskin boot.
As the UT
is trying to bury Austin, an audience member pelted a Big Gulp onto UT's back. That did
it.. it maimed the UT and Austin gained the upper hand. UT gets thrown into the grave and
Austin leaves.. I guess he had to go to the bathroom. When nature calls, you just gots to
go. (Just ask Psycho Sid about that, heh heh heh ... B.C.)
|UT crawls out of the grave.. only to hear an
explosion coming out of it. Of course it's Kaney. Does he always have an explosion before
he enters?? I mean, what if in the middle of the night, he has to go to the bathroom. Does
he have an explosion before he enters the bathroom? I certainly hope not, that would leave
a mess in his house or in his pajama pants.
|Kaney attacks UT and due to Kane's no
traction boots, he slips a few times. One moment, he totally slid sideways and must have
thought 'aw, I'm so embarassed, I'm leaving now,' as he turned and walked away.
comes in with a back-ho. Cole said, 'Austin comandeered a BACCO!' What an announcer he is.
May as well have Patterson doing commentary too. Austin ends up burying UT (of course UT
just escaped through the trap door in the grave that Kaney entered through) and Austin
gets a few beers to celebrate. HEY, since Kane is your buddy and chum now, why don't you
offer Kane some beer? Of course you'd have to give him a straw to stick through the little
mouth hole. Then he'd get drunk faster.. I guess. People used to tell me if I drank my
alchie-hol with a straw, I'd get drunk faster. But I felt sloshed all the same. I think
what messed me up more was the Dimetapp elixir.
That explains a lot huh?
My name is Chokee Slam and I am a former Dimetappaholic. And I have a problem.