by Chokee Slam
|November 1998, St. Louis
There they go playing that Deadly Commercial with the gospel
back-up singers cooing, 'Well, it's a deadly game..' This brings dread from Bostin.. kinda
the same feeling when nails are being scratched along a blackboard. She starts to whine
and cry like a 3 year old Kenny. (Geez, I'm starting in on Kenny already.)
I myself would like to be a WWF plant
for food.. and for a pinch of Kane butt as well but I may be pushing it there.
Speaking of Kane, another sign was spotted. It was
an illustration of Kane's peripheral from head to under the torso but he looked more like
Alfred Hitchcock. Since I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not, I can't decide how
funny it was. It was pretty silly though.
Vinnie Mac is wheeled into the arena. Then Mankind
enters all ready ta go in his tuxedo. He attempts to shake Big Bug Man's hand but he is
denied. This is the first match of the Survivor Series elimination tournament, which would
decide who would be the new WWF champion.
Vinnie introduces Mankind's opponent as 'a legend, a
charismatic superstar.. a man who debuted in the early 90's and has since suffered a sever
shoulder injury but is now making his triumphant return to the ring.' It was such a
massive build-up that I actually thought Shawn Michaels was going to show up. But it was
DWAYNE GILL, a little bald guy who got scared from his own pyrotechnics. Jim Ross sums it
up good, 'he has spent more time on the canvas than Rembrandt.' This was pretty hilarious
as Mankind won the match in about three minutes. Also with our quick intuitive eyes, we
saw that Gill had the pastiest white legs. We thought he was wearing opaque white
In the audience there were three individuals, one
adult female with two young kids dressed as Kane, Mankind and Goldust. Damn good costumes.
After Mankind won the match, he went over to the kid Mankind, who had his arms
outstretched for a hug, and it looked like there would be some sort of contact (perhaps a
pat on the head) but the friggin programmer switched to the Tournament Grid.. Damn you,
damn you all to hell. I would have loved to see Mankind just say HI to the kid. You've
ruined all that could have been pleasant about that little scene.
Anyway.. Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichael vs Al
Snow sporting half a ponytail. Trying for that Chris Jericho look?? It doesn't really
work. I think Pippi Longstocking braids would be more lethal. By the way, first round
matches have a 10 minute time limit. And this program is partially brought to you by
Nestle Crunch.. you know Nestle makes the very best.. N-E-S-T-L-E-S..
Al attempts a pin on Jarrett and we see Al's hand on
Jeff's butt. Mm.. so that's how it is, huh? Just kidding. We know you are a HAPPILY
Debra gets up on the canvas and begins to call for
. JAEFF!!!' She attempts to sabotage the match by having Jaeff get the
geetar to hit over Al's head but the ref takes it away.. and stares at it for awhile. The
ref had the guitar long enough to play the Stairway to Heaven guitar solo by then. By the
way, Al wins and moves on in the tournament.
This was actually a good PPV as the matches were
going fast and furious: no tippy-toeing about, no sizing your opponents, no waltzing. But
not good for Frank N. Steiner who had to go to the bathroom. "This stinks," he
said, "but I have to go to the bathroom." Chokee replied, "It just better
not stink in here.." Better to be safe than sorry.. always carry a bedpan with you
Big Butt Man enters. He actually has a good entrance
theme. Nice little head jerking kind of fuzzbox guitar riff. He gets into the ring and
stands on the bottom rope by the turnbuckles, spreads his arm out.. and teeters. He was
about to weeble wobble off that bottom rope. Good thing he didn't try for the middle
turnbuckles. He may have splayed all over the mat in a very unflattering manner.
|He goes up against Mr. Cold. Stevie comes in
drenched. Must be condensation considering he IS stone cold. The match commences and
eventually it reaches the outside of the ring. Big Blob Man takes his night stick and
wails on Stevie which results in a DQ. BB Man got his job done, starts walking away, then
turns back towards Stevie again.. 'OH, and another thing..THIS (hit) is for stealing my
Slim Fast Shakes!!'. Poor Stevie.
|X-Pac enters. Y'know, he's got a pretty
long face. I remember him as the 1-2-3 Kid and now I must say having the beard (and
bandana) is an improvement. It creates the illusion of a shorter face by 'breaking' it
down in sections. X-Pac goes against the Man's Man.. Steve Regal. He's a lumberjack and
JR accidentally calls Regal
'Blackman', to which Lawler tells him, 'Whatever you're on, you need to cut the dose..'
One point in the match, after Regal gave X-pac an
uppercut, Regal did a little spaz jig. His arms windmilled and he took little Flashdance
steps. I don't know but I didn't think a Man's Man would partake in flashdancing. The
legwarmers will be next
Both Pac and Regal take their match outside the
ring, resulting in a double count-out which means both are eliminated. Slaughter tries to
get a '5 minute sudden death overtime period..' You mean one of them had to suddenly die
within 5 minutes? I don't get it. Sorry. But X-Pac couldn't go on since it seemed like his
neck was injured. He was headed back to the locker rooms, we hear a female scream at the
top of her lungs, camera cuts to X-Pac on the floor.. we thought this was the 'sudden
death'. Another ref came out to assist him, put his arms around X-Pac
MAY have said,
'come on baby, I'll help you to your room..' But I may be wrong.
So since both are eliminated, Austin gets a 'Bye'
via 'Count out'. So on the grid, we see Austin and a 'Count Out'. Who are these people.
Count Out and Bye. Is Count Out from Transylvania? And was he outed?? Was he even in? And
I didn't see Undertaker or Kane wrestle anyone named Bye.
Kenny Shamrock enters
PACKING! I think
everyone is taking turns using Socko. He obviously isn't burdened by the Irish curse. He
goes against Goldust. I notice that Kenny is developing a little spare tire but Bostin
refuses to believe it. It could obviously be that the panties are too tight which causes
the baseball shaped bulge.
Oh Kenny wins with the ankle lock hold.
|The Rock. In the audience we see someone dressed
with apron and a chef's hat (ya ya, get it? the Rock is cooking) but he looks more like
the Cook Klux Klan. Rock's entrance music says, 'Know your damn role..' We know keiser
(roll).. spring (roll).. and the infamous JELLY (Roll). The Rock is to battle HHH but
Patterson and Crisco comes out to show the world that they can do the geek version of the
|Crisco tells the audience that HHH is a
no-show and kept saying 'Mr. MAC MAN..' I can't tell if Crisco is southern or not but
basically, don't speak eh? And to make it worse, he hands the mic over to Patterson. 'I'm
happy to tell you DERE will be no forfeit. We have found a replacement and ERE he is.'
We know you REALLY wanted to say this in your TRUE speaking
voice.. 'I APPY to DELL you.. DERE ill be no FORFET.. EE have fownd a repacement and ERE
ee iz..' But hey, we commend you for trying. I can't decipher his accent either. Is it
Oh the Big Boob Man is the replacement. He runs into
the ring... and the Rock pins him in about 3 seconds. I guess all the SlimFast cans in BB
Man's cargo pockets anchored him to the mat.
Lawler screamed, "I didn't even have a chance
to smell what he was cookin'!"
Undertaker enters in his Cenobyte garb designed by
Hellraisers, Inc. (the limited edition Count Chocula line). I think he chopped off that
spade collar. UT held his cape as if he was going to take flight like the Blue Blazer.
Instead he'd be the BOO Blazer. Get it?? Heh? Then Kane enters. Kane should request to
have his entrance music sped up since it takes him about five minutes to enter the ring.
(This was ample opportunity for Frank N. Steiner to run for the bathroom though). Just
imagine if wrestlers had to work their own lighting effects. Kane would have to go to the
fuse box to turn the lights off, then run over to the entrance curtain, then find the damn
slit in the curtain then go out and pretend that he's not at all winded..
'These 2 big 7 footers can get it on!!' said JR.
Hey, I didn't see any of that happening. I think we ordered the wrong pay per view. JR
also called them 2 big 'BEE' huh muths' (accent on the BEE).JR was trying to say
'Behemoths'. I think JR may have been spending some time with Patterson or Crisco.
|No wet spot on UT in this match. He's probably
thinking, 'You dumb bitch, I'm tired of you reading my wet spots.' During this match, UT
tried to get Kane horizontal again by working on the leg. While this is happening, Kane
tried to grab the ref twice. 'Help me??' This was the same ref that helped X-Pac back to
his locker room so I reckon he didn't want to help Kaney. I guess he only had a fetish for
6 ft. dark haired skinny guys.
|Undertaker was choking Kane while they were up
against a turnbuckle and here we see a piece of droolie bungee-ing from the corner of UT's
mouth. Blech. Though I bet some women wouldn't mind catching it.. in their mouths. OH!
JR then calls the two dead bros 'Two big fools.' WHUH?? Hey,
who do you think you are, what makes you think that they're fools. So what if they wear
their panties on the outside. So what if UT has a wet spot.. and Kaney keeps going rogue..
.. huh? Okay, Bostin has informed me that JR said they were 'two big bulls'.
Oh well, Kane loses this one because the Weeble Wobble Paul
Bearer holds Kane's foot while UT has him pinned. JR says, 'Can you smell what the
Undertaker is cooking.' There's been too much cooking going on in the WWF. But I'll humor
you and say he's cooking brimstone, devil dogs, deviled ham and Mississippi Mud Brownies.
Mankind vs. Al Snow. After Mankind realizes that
Socko is on Head like an 80's headband, he saves Socko and (silly man) starts beating up
on Head. Oh.. Mankind won.
Kenny Shamrock vs. The Rock. Kenny's got a pretty
hefty bandage on his forearm.. must have been a mammoth wart. By the end of the match, the
Rock's got a huge ass wedgie. Actually he didn't have a huge ass, just the wedgie. The
Master of Wedgies was always Ahmed Johnson. One of this cheeks was always chewing up half
of his panties. This is always a spectacle but not entirely a rare phenomena. Sometimes
I'll be walking and if I have a long scarf, my crotch gets hungry and starts sucking the
scarf in between my legs. I guess I don't feed my crotch enough. OH.. sorry that was
Anyways, the Rock wins because he caught the
nightstick that Big Big Man threw into the ring.. hence, Kenny went sleepy bye bye.
Interview with Paul Bearer. He doesn't seem to speak
in that high pitched voice anymore. Maybe all the dogs were following him home too often..
Sable vs. Jacqueline for the Woman's Championship
Title. During Jacqueline's 2 month reign as champion, she fought only one other chick. I
say, get the GLOW girls into the WWF to kick both their asses! Hollywood and Vine were
fun.. but Dementia is always Bostin's favorite. Mine was the Heavy Metal sisters
By the way, Shane is the ref for this match. We
catch a glimpse of Sable and I don't know but she's rivaling Debra McMichael in the
make-up department. It could have been pretty bad if all that make-up got smeared off
during wrestling since THE JOKER look is not really flattering. And by the way, that horse
tail that Jacqueline cut off of Sable a few weeks back, it's Godiva length now. I reckon
that extension is like fingernails on a corpse. It amazingly keeps growing after it's been
Before Jacqueline can get into the ring, Sable is
squawking for her to get into the ring, 'COME ON!!' she squawks. Well dummy, if you got
out of the way, Jacqueline could enter the ring so that you guys can start the match.
Okay.. Jacqueline gives varied kicks to Sable near
the boob area. Hey watch it, the inflating and deflating process of those norks were
expensive. You don't wanna pop em. There'll be a leak and you two will just slip around
the ring like it was a Slip and Slide game.
|Sable won by the way. As she left the ring, I saw
some blood on her arms. I think Jacqueline had her period. OH.. that's horrible. That's
vile. It's vile that she didn't cork it up. OH! This is supposed to be a good report. A
clean report. A good clean report.
|Lawler was funny though. He said, 'I
hate to see her go but I like to watch her leave.' Hey Jerry, just don't take her across
the border, okay? Damn, I did it again. Before I can keep my smart ass mouth in check,
I've ruined all chances of correspondence with WWF superstars.
Actually there was more to the sign
after 'I SMELL' but this is why it's important to make sure your sign is done thoroughly.
See, now you've told the world that you have body odor. Your role is to search for the
|Mankind vs. Austin with Vinnie et al. in
attendance. During the match, Mankind gets beat up by Austin and poor Mankind proceeds to
run backstage at rapid speed to get away. Crisco and Patterson try convincing him to
commence with the match but Mankind is shaking his head, 'NO, I don't wanna go back.. he's
|Sometimes the match spilled into the
audience (those people had the best seats that night). I wonder why people don't seize the
opportunity. I would have written a note, slipped it right into Austin's tights or
Mankind's face gear. The note would probably advertise MAD PHAT WRESTLING or say 'Send
more paramedics' or 'I want to play Twister with you'. What I wouldn't write is, 'open a
can of whoop ass and that's the bottom line cause you said so..' Since Vince was hanging
out by the side as well, I would bother the hell out of him. 'Psst
PSSSSSSST!! Can I get a job???' and pelt him with my resume which would be in a crumpled
up piece of looseleaf paper.
the Stunner on Mankind which egged the audience to stand on their seats and CHEER. One
audience member threw his kid up in the air. Well okay, I'm exaggerating (something which
I don't do often..). He was letting the little tyke get a better view but he was pretty
close to tossing him up to the bleachers.
Mankind gets wrestled out of his dress pants. Thank
goodness he had his sloppy brown pants underneath. I'm not ready to see the cottage cheese
again. The ref gets knocked out, Stevie goes for the pin, Shane runs in to count Mankind
out and stops at 2, then gives Stevie the middle finger. I think the WWF just didn't know
where to go with this storyline and came up with this travesty at the last minute. It
really didn't make any sense. Crisco then tries to hit Stevie with the chair. Crisco,
could you put any more weight in that effort?? You may as well have been HANDING him the
Vinnie and all his posse run towards the back,
leaping into the air in jubilance (this should have been filmed in slo-mo).You men
shouldn't be frolicking like that. Anyways they escape in the limo and Stevie runs after
the vehicle like the Terminator. He then realizes, UUUH I can DRIVE!! So he commandeers an
automobile and gives chase.
Undertaker vs. The Rock. Undertaker stands atop the
steel steps summoning on the lights. We have Undertaker Butt-Cam and we see the smoke
emanating from around his buttock area. WOW.. if my butt could do that.. I would.. uh..
I guess I would take a Pepto.
Wet spot sighting. Undertaker has a racing stripe
along the crack. I think someone PAINTED it on, it was quite a meticulous wet spot.
One point, the Rock is splayed on the canvas and we
got to see ROCKY MOUNTAIN!! He was packing as well!! My response: 'WOW!!!' (Can you see what the Rock is packing? ... B.C.) The WWF definitely got a shipping of new cups.
Another moment, Rock is splayed and UT distracts the
referee while Paul Bearer attacks Rock with.. we had no idea what it was but it looked
like a dust buster. No Bearer, the Rock needs BABY POWDER (to soak up all that sweat). The
dust buster is used if the Rock dehydrates into a pile of ashes from all that sweating.
BB Man enters
he wanted his dust buster back.
Kane enters, chokeslams the Rock. JR screams,
"KANE just NAILED the ROCK!!' Man, I really did order the wrong pay per view. I
didn't see that type of activity. Kane causes UT to get a DQ which means he's eliminated.
Someone told me that Kane didn't have to chokeslam Rock in order to do this, he could have
just slapped him in the face. True. But you know what would have been INTERESTING? If Kane
came in and KISSED Rock.. but again, that's another pay per view.
UT and Kane proceed to spill into the audience as
they hit each other. Again, I would have slipped something into Kane's tights. (MYSELF!)
The Triple Threat Tag Team Bout. New Age Outlaws vs.
Headbangers vs. D'Lo and Mark Henry (aka Fat Albert). There's a flashback of the Heat
episode where NAO is being interviewed. Billy is facing the wall, back to the camera,
TRYING to read the Survivor Series poster. Then the Headbangers pelt them with their
bodies. Hey guys, give Billy the time to learn to read. Reading is fundamental.
|Road Dogg is getting pounced on in the ring (OOH,
we see the cotton candy vendor! Sorry, we're slaves to sugar). Just as we realize that we
hadn't seen Billy in the ring for awhile, WHOOSH, we see him running rapidly from the
right of the screen to the left. Then he saunters back across the screen from left to
right. I think he really needed to get the phone number of some dude in the audience
NAO wins the match, Billy moons the
audience and I screamed, 'I'M BLIND!!!!'
|Mankind vs. The Rock. Mankind sports a
cute little bow tie. You know, me and Bostin were trying to figure out how we got from
feeling fearful of Mankind to actually thinking he's cute. I'm glad that the WWF has
allowed him to perhaps improvise more during his interviews because I think that's what
did it. He's one of the best interviewees in the WWF today (as he proved on the Home
Shopping Network episode shown after this PPV event. He said, 'Now LEAVE ME ALONE
Unless you want to buy some of my merchandise
.' He's too funny.)
Backstage, Vinnie is letting BB Man go home. Shane says to
him, 'hey if you see Austin out there, give him one of these (Shane holds the index
finger)'. What's Austin gonna use the extra index finger for? I guess even if you're a
chronic nose picker, all ten of your own fingers will suffice. What would have been funny
is if after Shane holds up his index finger, BB Man snaps THAT finger off to give to
At this point of the program, Bostin is convulsing
in atchoos right now. If I had a wallet, I would have stuffed it in her mouth.
The Mankind/ Rock match. The Rock blew a SNOTBALL at
the ref. EEEEEEEEEEEW!! Rock does seem to have a tendency to spit a lot as well.. yo, you
need to salvage your body fluids..
Mankind threw Rock outside the ring and JR states,
splat, all over the floor.. and he left a sweaty spot..' Mm, I'm really a
naturally paranoid human being and all these 'coincidences' that seem to correlate to our
site is a bit uncanny yet frightening. But the least you guys can do is write and say
HELLO! =) And make sure Kenny and Billy don't hunt me down.
|As Mankind gives Rock the Mandible Sock, he cradles
Rock's head to his breast. Bostin thinks Lawler said, 'He can feel the tidal within his
breast..' Actually what Lawler said was, 'he can feel the title within his grasp..' Got
boob on the brain, huh?? (Oh, c'mon, he looked like he
was nursing the Rock for crying out loud! ...B.C.)
|Rock puts Mankind in the Sharpshooter
and Vinnie has the bell rung. HEY.. why.. I sense that there's SABOTAGE!!! It's a
conspiracy!! C-O-N- spiracy!! Vinnie, Shane and Rock hug and everyone was scammed.
Actually it was a good scam (a clean scam, a good clean scam) because it was really
unexpected. We saw so much confusion in faces of the audience as they looked at their
newly purchased Rock shirts or slowly dropped their 'People's Champion' signs. It was
So Mankind gets shafted too ..(OH!)
and gets the Rock Bottom..
Vinnie tries to put the belt on Rock but had a bit
of trouble. For cryin' out loud, you don't even know how to put a belt on. How the hell do
you keep your pants up?
Austin finally returns. He probably thought, 'Damn
bastards, I drove around this arena 56 times waiting for my damn cue. What the hell took
you so long.' Austin runs into the ring
to get beat on by the Rock. Mm, he's good.
But Stevie perseveres and beats on the Rock and then Mankind (aaaw, give the poor guy a
break). Austin threw Rock out of the ring, proceeds to stomp on him some more.. (watch
that sweat spot, there could be slippage and extreme embarrassment to follow). As Austin
walks back to the locker rooms, he undoes the drawstring of his panties. Too tight, eh??
Well, stop eating all those Little Debbie's, big guy. Actually uh let me undo that
drawstring for ya
excuse me all.
Chokee signing off to take a cold shower now.