by Chokee Slam
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New York

Oh geez, being a New Yawker myself, I was mighty disappointed that I couldn't find ONE damn good piece of signage. Not a one. There were loads of catch phrases, loads of 3:16's, the basic. Nothing original. Come on guys, we're losing our reputation of being the crudest, most obnoxious, most cynical beings on the face of this Earth.

Val Venis vs. D'Lo Brown. Val, you DO know that wearing black has a slimming effect yes?? Well then, you should realize that you should NOT be wearing BLACK shin guards, black knee pads and black boots. On top of that, your thighs are emphasized and you basically look like you have peg legs. You pirate, you. Stop it. It's disturbing. Here's something unbelievable (asides from wondering how Venis stays standing on those spicules for legs), Ross said that Venis is 27 years old!!??? No way.. a good 47!! There's evidence of this, you know. Val attempted to pick up D'Lo and basically hurt his sciatica and starts limping like a geezer.

Meanwhile Edge was hanging about in the bleachers again.. I'd like to petition for people to GOOSE Edge if they see him hanging around in the bleachers (that includes you MEN! Come on.. don't be so homophobic). Maybe he'll go to the locker rooms where he belongs. Or just goose him for kicks. Whatever tickles your fancy. Even a Melvin would be funny.

Well, Venis manages to extract a wedgie during the match. Now that's a sign of a master improvisor. I wish I could say the same for Kenny Shamrock or Ahmed Johnson. I think Kenny went through an entire match once with one side of his panties riding up to his hip. We were able to see his BVD's even.. I think I saw a stain. OH!

And P.S. Mr. Big Baldowski, or the Big BaldHeadski.. if you gyrate to GUYS, I think that makes you gay.

Enter Insane Clown Posses. I wish Krokus would come in and kick their ass. ICP= WHITE GUYS who think they can rap. If they say 'SAY YEAH' one more time, I'm going on a major manhunt to find Krokus. So it's the Oddities vs. Kaientai. This was the circus portion of the entertainment. Placing some of the largest individuals against the smallest in a wrestling match. One point, Kaientai swarmed over one of the huge Oddities like pigeons.. they should have started poking at his head for worms. Of course one of the things I thought of was Kane with a bunch of little kids hanging on him like pigeons. I don't know why I have this vision.. I must be quite mental.

Next is little X-Pac vs. Jeff Jarrett in a Hair vs. Hair match. Hands down, X-pac wins on style alone. Long, wavy hair is just a better looking hairstyle than the bi-level do. But that is my opinion. Of course imagine the horrors if X-Pac was to have short hair. He has some natural tight curls there so.. can we say Chia-Head?

This was the last Jarrett appearance as Ravishing Ronno. I believe that when wrestlers feel the need to get a haircut, the WWF will tell them to wait and then set up a Hair vs. Hair match just for the occasion. Jarrett's hair was gradually getting shorter anyways.. However this theory doesn't work for the 'Cry baby' match in which the loser has to wear a diaper and drink from a baby bottle (X-Pac vs. Razor Ramon … if X-Pac really wanted to see what it was like to be diapered and fed from a baby bottle, I have the phone number for my therapist ready for him. Come on, baby… ).

Prior to the event, Jarrett was running with scissors.. and cut off the announcer, Howard Finkel's (what was left of it at least) hair. So Finkel entered the ring with X-Pac, performed the 'crotch chop' alongside X-Pac, made it look as if he couldn't find his crotch as he was chopping and to top it off, he screamed, "SUCK AT!!" *sigh* That is YOU SUCK AT crotch chopping.

So the match commenced, X-Pac being the agile flyer he is.. he performed a GOOD move (not the perverted Bronco move.. not yet) and was so pleased with the result that he did a semaphore signal. I think he was trying to tell the world 'A DIET COKE WITH LEMON PLEASE'. Also while Jarrett had X-Pac in a Figure Four Leglock, X-Pac starting making arm gestures like Ed Norton. I think he's a true comedian deep inside..

Eventually the Bronco move was performed on Jeff 'Mad Panty Lines' Jarrett.. and we've decided that this move would be all the more effective depending on the .. hardness of the Pac. (Aren't statements like that what got you kicked off AOL?... B.C.) (SHADDUP! ... C.S.) But we wouldn't want him to BREAK it off now.. I've heard stories about things like that happening.. first there's a sound of a cork and then you hear Michael Jackson screaming and realize it's your own voice.

So X-Pac wins, gets to give Jarrett the haircut he had wanted for awhile, gives some of it to Finkel to make him look like a Kewpie Doll and it was just a huge party with the Headbangers and Droz joining.. after they were done with Jarrett, they throw him through the ropes but again we see how deadly the ropes can be when someone almost gets caught up in it.. He could have cocooned himself in it..

The Rock gets interviewed and he sports a shirt that screams, 'OH, THAT'S SO TACKY!'. There were various patterns happening all at one time.. stripes, spots, pinstripes, going in all different directions. A virtual tripping shirt.. we figure he wanted to make sure he didn't get hit by any cars at nighttime.

Mark Mero and Jacqueline vs. Sable with Edge. I was just wanting to see a GLOW girl come in and clean house.. preferably the Heavy Metal sisters. Does anyone remember GLOW?? I'm beginning to wonder if it really existed. Jacqueline did stick her tongue out at Sable.. is there a love connection there? All during the match though, Sable is basically SQUAWKING… I think Steve Austin should run in there with his gun and shoot her. He'd feel bad though since he thought she was a bird.. (DOH!)

So after Sable performs the hurricarana on Mero, he's lieing on the canvas with a bonafide WOODY. And to make it worse, Sable ROLLS over it.. is that how she treats her husband??

The Undertaker is interviewed. My, this dead dude sure has a big forehead. I have to say though that he does look better now than he ever did (especially that Amish look) but the forehead is still traveling to Poughkeepsie. I think if he gave some of that forehead to those who are in need of some (namely Usher) then .. ah well.. never mind. We don't have the technology.

Mankind interview. I don't even have to make fun of him .. Mankind manages fine on his own. Since he and Kaney had a little tiff, Mankind doesn't want to go against New Age Outlaws by himself but Vinnie Mac, after handing him the deli tray to use as a weapon, convinces him. Mankind says, 'if the Outlaws don't like it, I've got 13 words for them. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck is a woodchuck could chuck wood?" hey.. I have the answer for that. He would chuck what wood a woodchuck could if a woodchuck could chuck wood. I think I had a pretty demented childhood as well. (Vinnie's expression was priceless in this segment..)

We run through a flashback montage of the Kenny Shamrock and Owen history. We see Owen's face contorted in his efforts to squeeze out a nugget. I don't know if he achieved his goal. We see a flashback of Dan Severn… the picture is in stretched out letterbox style. This is not a flattering way to show Dan.. I mean instead of just a washing machine shape, he's like a washer AND dryer. We see Kenny pout.. because Kenny doesn't like bullies. Hey Kenny, if you speak in a lower manly tone, then you won't have to worry about bullies. (AAARGH, don't hit me!!)

The Lion's Den match.. Kenny and Owen in an itty bitty version of the Octagon. Oh well.. Corporate Cutbacks, you know how it is. Now here's my theory about that white piece of material sticking out of Owen's bike shorts.. Owen was trying to squeeze out a nugget in the bathroom… and THEN he has to get into the ring to wrestle … so he quickly pulls his wrestling tights on but pulls up the sanitary paper ring that is placed on the toilet seat (gotta be cautious when it comes to toilet seats ya know) along with wads of toilet paper and proceeds to runs out to the ring.. looking the fool.

The match starts with Kenny stripping Owen. Kenny, it's not that kind of Pay Per View event. Kenny takes off the shirt and (whew) start strangling Owen with it. Now that's better. We were starting to worry about you Kenny.. Meanwhile, Owen's shirt sits mangled on the ground and it gives us the opportunity to analyze it (due to the fact that we see our therapists practically every day, this has become second nature to us to ANALYZE inkblots and wet spots and mangled shirts..).. Owen's shirt was shaped like North and South America.. with a pinch of Italy in it and a sprinkle of Mexico and a dab of Texas. However, one of us saw an arm, a knife, a fist and Michael Meyers. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM… OKAY! I don't know which is worse… the arm/knife/fist/Meyers combo or Italy kicking a cow head. Don't anyone call Bellvue.. I've been there already and they don't like me.. they threw me out.


Mankind vs. New Age Outlaws. It's alittle hard to imagine Mankind with kids.. I mean, he's a father. The kids would be like, 'Dad, you're kinda embarassing..' Mankind would reply, 'hey kid, you like those jeans you're wearing? Shut your hole..'

New Age Outlaws… New Age?? They should have some Kitaro music for their entrance music. Or just hold down one note on the Casio for about twenty minutes… (... and carry crystals... B.C.)

Anyways, NAO brings out a dumpster for this match, which contained deli trays, a mixing bowl, cookie sheets, a table…. I was waiting for the hibachi so that they could cook a meal. Anyways, by now we know that Kane was going to emerge from that dumpster so we were wondering what he was doing to pass the time away in there. Asides from handing the weapons over to the guys, perhaps he had some books in there. Cat in the Hat or Green Eggs and Ham. So while Kane is reading some of his favorite literature, NAO dumps Mankind in there on top of him (OOOOF) so that is why Kane emerged to drive the sledgehammer down on Mankind. Mankind perturbed his reading time.

Rock (accompanied by Mark Henry) vs. HHH (accompanied by Chyna.. or as New Yawkers would say, 'CHEENA'…) in a Ladder Match. Rock laid down the smack.. now now.. heroine is not something you should be laying down.. think of the children… Mark Henry starts sticking his tongue out to lick his lips (this is so horrifying) which makes us question, 'What was that, a lizard??' We get to see Chyna on occasion.. and contemplate if she and Edge mated, their child would be one big CHIN. Not even a body but just a chin. And Chyna, the larger your breasts get, the farther apart they appear.. soon your boobs will meet in the back.

So the match commences with the Rock and HHH each taking their turns to go up the ladder very s….l….o….w…..l….y. (it's hard to fill up three hours of pay per view, mm?). HHH tends to spit a lot.. when he's lieing down. Is that wise?? The loogie might find its way back into his mouth and I don't know.. I guess whatever pumps his noogy..

While Rock is climbing the ladder, HHH pulls his tights down and eventually, the fateful people's CRACK is shown. Rock screams, 'OH my PANTIES!' Oh well, remember, whoever shows crack loses the match because we know that CRACK KILLS. Even if it's The People's Crack. These wrestlers just never learn, huh?? It's like they never figure out that the sleeperhold doesn't work. Mark Henry does manage to throw baby powder on HHH.. enabling HHH to have his sweat absorbed. Thanks Mark.

Finally, Undertaker vs. Austin. Undertaker walks in with the Count Chocula cape with the collar that makes him look like a spade head and silver studs all over. Does that cape have batteries?? I'd really like to see it light up when you plug it into a socket.. Hell, the cape was so stiff that UT couldn't even turn his head.. not like he could see anything in his peripheral view. He may as well have been wearing one of those protectors that dogs use to make sure they don't scratch their ears or something..

Poor UT though, the cape made him look like his shoulders were up to his ears. He was most likely thinking, "I can't believe mom made me wear this.." Before entering the ring, he does his infamous ROLLING of the eyes to the back of his head… he was making sure his brain was there. OR as he rolled his eyes back to the front, he seemed to think, 'Oh, here I am..'

Austin enters, starts yelling to UT, seemingly to threaten him, curse at him. But I bet that they were just making plans for dinner after the match… Austin could flip him the bird and say, 'We're going to the diner across the street to get some STEAK and POTATOES!!'

Throughout this match, we've noticed that UT has a pretty perky butt for a white dude.. and Austin is porking out a bit. It's a pretty prominent spare tire on Austin. We affectionately call it his jelly roll. Too much steak and potatoes there, boy. (Mr. Austin, I like you, I think you're a handsome man..C.S.)

While Austin was giving UT the arm tug, he was probably saying, "Listen Undertaker (tug arm).. I really wanna (tug arm) THANK you for that gift you (tug) got for my boy…" Undertaker reverses the arm tug and gives a good yank while saying, "You're WELCOME!!"

This is the match where UT gave some pretty damn good grunts and yells. One was a very audible, "DAAAAAAH!" The other was when Austin was outside the ropes and UT put a choke slam on him.. but had to carry him OVER the ropes.. UT let out a pretty good "BAAAAAAAH". After this match, I'm sure UT reprimanded Austin for eating too much before the match. "DAMN porky, no more SCOOTER PIES OR LITTLE DEBBIE'S for YOU!! For dinner, you're having STEAMED VEGGIES!"

Enter Kaney. It was time for his walk.. But UT tells Kane to go back to his room… go LAY DOWN.. UT does this all with gesticulations as well.. like how Tonto would speak to Lone Ranger. "ME.. FIGHT BIG PORKY.. in RING.. ME… AGAINST MAN WITH JELLY ROLL… YOU GO BACK.. ROOM.. LAY DOWN.. GOOD BOY… ME ..FIGHT.. ME SWIM THROUGH WATERS… CLIMB BIG MOUNTAIN.. TRAVEL WINDING ROADS."

So Kane actually obeys and walks back to the locker room. Some kid in the audience tried to comandeer his glove though.. but Kane pulled away forcefully. Now if I was in the audience, I would just take a flying leap and land all over Kane's head. Let's see him try to shake me off… I'd be on his head like a hat…

UT continues the match… a few times he goes, "OOOOOH…. EEEEE…." Austin was giving him a workout, I tell you. So UT takes the Spanish announcer's table apart (MUCHO CUIDADO!!) and places Austin on it so that UT can take a flying leap off the top rope… and they both just slid off the table… the table was supposed to break I reckon but instead, Austin's head ends up right next to UT's ass. UT was probably thinking, 'You and your great ideas.. this table was supposed to BREAK, PORKY!!'

UT then puts the choke hold on Austin.. I'm sure if Austin wanted to, he could scream, 'EEEEEEEEE! Your hands are FREEEEEZING!!' but… Austin is a nice man and won't point out the faults of others.

Then.. UT tried to pick up Austin again and this is the sound that came out of UT: "rAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAARGH!!" But.. alas, Austin wins the match due to his weight advantage... UT valiantly hands the title belt to Austin.. and when UT is almost going back to the locker room, Kane reappears… 'can I get a cookie??' and leaves with UT.

Then I'm sure they all went out to the diner and yakked it up…

Undertaker: 'NO PORKY, I said the diet meal for you!!'

Austin: 'AW come on, you're just getting weak..'

Kane: 'Where's my cookie??'

This is Chokee Slam signing off..

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