By Chokee Slam
It's a new
..GOOD GOD, it's another fraggin' year.
|This Raw was one of the best, most fully packed
episodes in a long while. It opens with a flashback of Shawn Michael's career of multiple
costumes and hair changes, which I believe lands him in Mad Phat's category of 'New
Packaging'. There definitely has been an improvement. I mean, he held onto that mullet for
dear life but finally wised up.
|Corporate Team enters. Vinnie tells the
tech guys to take 'that sentimental crap' off. Hey Vinnie, you're not much of a boss if
you can't even control what is played on the titantron or the cueing of wrestler's
entrance themes.. (Personally, I think it's just a natural phenomenon that wrestlers'
music plays... like it plays whenever they enter any room, even in their own house
Testes comes out in 'tighter than necessary' boy leg briefs and his
kneepads on his shins. Soon those pads will multiply due to a condition called
AhmedJohnsonitis; a rare disease which leaves you with about six pairs of knee pads all
over your legs. I think you better go back to the leather chinos. Meanwhile Crisco and
Patterson are taping a sign to Kane's back which keeps falling off on one side. On top of
that, it just says, 'Brisco Bros. Body Shop.' A crummy commercial? If you're going to put
something on his back, it should at least be funny. The always classic, 'kick me' or 'this
is an exit, not an entrance' (with a huge arrow pointing to his butt). Is that suitable
for family television??
Vinnie states that anyone who had anything to do with the emotional scarring of his
Shane will pay.
Shawn enters to his 'sexy booooy' entrance theme. You know that theme died in the 80's
right? Shawn then does that hand motion of thumb cutting across neck which symbolizes a
quick death or to cut something. It will always mean 'I cut myself shaving, it was a mess'
in our warped little minds. Shawn calls upon DX, his cavalry, and says that his contract
as commissioner is iron clad. As per Vince's statement, Shawn will answer to no one
including Vinnie Mac. Austin is the only one he would have no control over.
We see that Vinnie Mac has this chasm-like dent in his chin. We wonder how he shaves in
Since Shawn has control over all competitors and since Vinnie entered into the Royal
Rumble as a competitor, Vinnie is now declared second man into the ring. Shane confusingly
looked at Shawn like, 'WHUH?'. Let me reiterate, 'SHANE! YOUR POPS
SECOND IN THE
RING.. ROYAL RUMBLE! NUMBER TWO!! HE'S GONNA GET KNOCKED OUT!!!!!' I hope he understood
|Finally, Shawn has a little surprise for Vince AND
guarantees it will drive him Stone Cold Crazy. That's a good song. Both the original Queen
recording and Metallica cover. Good spastic epileptic head shaking type of song.
confers with his Team. Kane stands there and I know he wears a mask, but he looked stone
faced. Okay, stone masked. Or he was thinking, 'where's that roast beef you guys promised
me?' True true, the man must eat to maintain that massive build.
|As Kenny Shamrock enters the ring, he
stares into the camera with authority. It seemed he was going to walk right INTO the
cameraman though. I had mentioned this before but I think it's nearly confirmed that the
cameraman and Kenny have made a love connection. The cameraman ALWAYS films Kenny's
EGGPLANT zone (I hope it's not purple) AND the butt zone as well. During a match, there
will always be a close-up of Kenny's tail end. Well, considering Kenny is pretty
tight, I guess we don't blame you. I wouldn't be as inconspicuous. If I was operating that
camera, I'd have footage of his colon. OH. Sorry that was disgusting.
|Kenny vs Steve Blackman. During the match, Dan
Severn comes out wearing the neck brace which has a sticker on it. At first we thought it
might say, 'put fabric softener in here..' but it said, 'No Neck'. I didn't notice this at
first viewing because Dan was wearing his awfully bright colored striped shirt. I was
waiting for Skittles to rain down upon him. I wonder if he had batteries for that thing.
|Surprisingly, it took about five
minutes for Kenny to notice Dan. How could you miss him? His shirt was equivalent to a
police siren. Dan interferes in the match, allowing Billy Butt to run in and let Kenny
have it. Blackman wins! Kenny's utterly confused expression was saying, 'did you?
|Backstage, Kenny catches up with Billy Butt and
they're rolling on the floor expressing their true love for each other in the utmost form
of physical love. No.. just kidding. It looked like Kenny genuinely popped Billy in the
face (near the nose and eye area). We assume it was real because Billy HOWLED like a woman
and held his face immediately after that. Mm, how would you fare in UFC, Billy? Hey Kenny,
watch it, tough guy. Stop thinking about us Mad Phat chicks when you're acting.
|Mankind enters the ring. He states that
last week was the 'first time I ever grabbed a man's testicles. And in a rugged, manly
way, I enjoyed it.' And it was 'the first time I ever used the words suck it without a
please in front of it.' HWAAAARR!! The audience was howling and Mankind tops it off by
saying, 'you like that huh?' Damn right. So basically he wants a shot at the Rock's title.
You call yourself a fan?? What the
hell is a MANDKIND?
Vinnie stands atop the ramp and says, 'the corporate team is right behind me.' Actually
no one was behind you, Vinny. What are you, mental? I bet they were all hovering around
the water cooler and the deli tray. Maybe there was chicken cordon bleu that night.
|Vinnie questions why Mankind will put his body
through torture, go through lonely nights in seedy hotels, etc.. for the 'roar' of the
crowd?? Mankind says, 'I like that roar.' We love you Mick. Eventually, Vinnie sets up the
Mankind vs. HHH match with Shane as special referee. The winner goes to Royal Rumble. Hey
Vinnie, I thought Shawn was the commissioner? (SSSSSSSHHHH.. B.C.).
|Backstage we see Chyna conversing with
this HORRID looking drag queen. Living in New York, I have seen much better drag queens
who know how to package themselves. Hey WWF people, couldn't you have found someone
better?? Kabuki?? Helena Handbasket?? Lily of the Valley?? They're much prettier.
Henry vs. Goldust. Yet again, we see another wrestler have an embarassing SPLIT in the
seam of his pants. First Gangrel, now poor Goldie (who thankfully, was wearing underwear).
There needs to be an upgrading of tailors!!! Also we have a theory that the new LARGER
cups that wrestlers are wearing could possibly be causing this plague of split seams.
|During this match, Chyna and her boyfriend (though
they call him her girlfriend) come out. Henry gets the 'shattered dreams' which pretty
much reduced the 'sexual chocolate' to 'sexual pudding'. Blech. So the two 'girls' make
their way to the ring to comfort Henry. The drag queen is named Sammy and he's about the
lumpiest she-man in a sausage dress I e'er did see. One angle, I thought he was wearing
Birkenstocks. At least that would have taken my focus off his lumpy legs and pot belly.
|Chyna tells Henry, 'the other night
with you were incredible. You're way too much man for one woman..' So she proclaims that
she and Sammy will take a load off Henry's mind. That's a big load, Chyna, I don't think
fifty drag queens will suffice. You'll need a back-ho.
Godfather vs. Testes (who
resembles Thor). Testes also has some crappy entrance theme music. You figure someone who
was in the rock and roll industry would be able to get some GOOD music to enter to. Like
some palm-muting chugga chugga power chord riffs with screeching string bending harmonics.
(Sorry, I'm showing off.)
Venis comes out onto the ramp while the match is in progress, to show everyone the zit
on his tit. Then as usual, Venis runs in to the match.. only to have Testes beat up on
him. Haven't you learned??
Backstage, Michaels is mucking it up with DX perhaps talking about old times, the bars
they frequented, the cities they've traveled to, the tittie bars, the orgies with each
other. Oh. Chyna and X-Pac were standing so close to each other that I thought X-Pac's
head was on Chyna's body. And I thought, 'X-Pac, why are you wearing those leather hot
pants?? And a bra?? (well, on a guy, it'd be a BRO).' (It'd be a Mansierre...
HHH vs. Mankind with special ref Shane. Shane kicks Mankind causing HHH to pin Mankind
as Shane gives a fast count. At least HHH says, 'a win is a win and HHH will take it any
way he can get it.' Honesty is good. BUT he pedigrees Shane after wishing Mankind a 'happy
new year' and from then on, Shane is all Mankind's. Mankind holds Shane hostage by putting
him in a shoulder submission move, which causes Vince to set a match for Mankind vs. Rock
IS MY IDOL
If he's your idol, CAN'T YOU SPELL
HIS NAME RIGHT???!! And you have to put a TRADEMARK logo after his name too. And just for
those who care, Undertaker seems to be the only registered trademark name in the WWF.
We also catch sight of someone who looks like Stuttering John Melendez holding a sign
Of course, it wasn't Stuttering John
because if it was, the sign would have read 'M-M-M-M-Mankind is G-G-G-G-God'.
So the Mankind vs. Rock match is a closed deal. Rock screams, 'I'm not ready!' Oh, just
throw on your panties and you're all set.
Edge enters the ring through the audience again, wearing sunglasses. Again, I stress
it's hard to see indoors with sunglasses on. It wouldn't be a surprise if you stumbled
over everyone's chair and there would just be a loss of dignity on your part. All because
|Edge vs. D'Lo. PMS comes out while the match is in
progress and Terri gets into an argument with D'Lo which causes her to fall off the top of
the steel steps and.. end of her pregnancy storyline. (Her storyline had a
miscarriage... B.C.) However we have to endure the torture of her wailing and
horrible acting as she tells the paramedics to 'please hurry'. Yes, please hurry and end
this storyline. D'Lo however, acts genuinely concerned and even Edge looks at D'Lo like,
'Ooooh, you did a bad!'
|Actually I bet Edge was waiting for the
blood to come out from the 'miscarriage' so he could bathe in it. BLECH! That was one of
the worst things I EVER wrote in my history of Raw reports.
Kane enters the ring with
Brisco and Patterson who are STILL trying to stick that sign on his back. Shane announces
the next match which will be a handicap match. For some reason, Bostin thought someone
with a wheelchair will start rolling down the ramp.. or a blind person. (I thought
he'd have to take on two blind midgets in wheelchairs... OH! ... B.C.)
|Turns out it's Kane vs. Patterson and Brisco. As
Kane levels Brisco down to the mat, Patterson tries to offer Kane a cigarette, and then a
condom??? What are you trying to say, Patterson?? He doesn't do dat dink (at least not
with you!). Patterson then tries to hit Kane with a chair but is caught in mid-act.
Instead he unfolds the chair and offers Kane a seat.
|Kane KICKS the chair out of the ring.
In a mighty cool visual, the chair disappears off camera in about a split second. The
chair didn't even fold up, it just FLEW! I wonder if Kane made any expressions under the
mask, like, 'OOH! I impress myself!!' Of course there's the possibility that the chair
landed in the audience, either killing them or impaling them. But in the least, they
experienced a very good Raw show. (It's a good thing this wasn't a PPV, or that
chair would have crushed the French announcers... B.C.)
Kane manages to crotch
Brisco between the ringpost before he grabs Shane who starts to scream, 'NO!!' Should have
yelled, 'DOWN BOY!! DOWN!! You'll get the muzzle!' Well, that wouldn't work.. However they
threatened Kane with a trip to the asylum again.
Brisco is still wedged in between the ringpost even after Kane has left. He must have
|Dennis Knight's arms are strung up in chains as he
whines for someone to help him. You should have just asked the cameraman, dude. But the
Acolytes unchain him and throw him into a large room with bright light and dry ice. Knight
should have screamed, 'PLEASE MR. SIMMONS! MR. BRAD SHAW!! DON'T DO THIS!' Knight is
thrown in the room which sounds like it's filled with screaming, wailing psychotics. It
was probably a room full of traveling encyclopedia salesmen. Or postal workers. Either
way, go into the light, Carol Ann, don't be afraid of the light.
|Al Snow vs. Road Dogg for the Hardcore
Belt. One of the best matches of the evening. They're still trying to convince us that Al
hasn't showered in two weeks. BUT Al's hair was clean. He probably just stuck his head
under a sink then.
|Thankfully, Al bopped Dogg before he could start
with his speech. This match had everything including tables, a cookie sheet, chair.. and
then gets carried backstage where they used a hose, a whole box of toilet paper, a broom,
a fire extinguisher that didn't work, poinsettias (that looked like it hurt), poles (Al
twirls one around Shaolin style). Then Dogg throws Al into three appropiately placed empty
beer kegs. Austin must have gotten his hand on those already. Then the match gets taken
outside the arena, where it's snowing.
|Dogg piledrives Al onto some boards and
retains the belt. Al is left outside, on his back with his legs sticking up in the air (like
a dead roach
B.C.). Hey, I hope you guys didn't lock Al outside!! Some crazed
girl may have jumped on him.. or asked for his autograph ('pleeeeease pleeeeease
pleeeeease, sign my head!!').
|HHH gives Shawn the car keys and gives him.. the
final hug. Shawn leaves and X-pac says, 'What goes around comes around.' (HHH
should have kissed him on the cheek and said 'Fredo, I know it was you... B.C.)
out it's the wrong keys. Shawn tries to get back into the arena and.. a voice from behind
him calls out, 'SHAWN!' Cut to commercial.
|Back from commercial. Shawn turns around. 'Hey
what's up, guys??' and the Corporate Team beats up on him. At least this is what they want
us to believe. Ya see, the camera was knocked down onto its side and all we hear is the
'carnage' off camera. I bet they were all standing around in a circle, punching pillows,
hitting the car, twisting fresh celery sticks, emitting the incidental 'OOF', 'AARGH'
noises. Shawn must have ripped open his own shirt.. and then placed his head nicely into
the cracked windshield of the rent-a-car for the next scene.
|...And ACTION! The paramedics peel
Shawn off the windshield, and attempt to put a neck brace on him. They tug on his hair and
this is when Shawn winces in pain. They must have done that really annoying 'three hair
tug'. Those normally hurt more than a full yank of hair. Like a paper cut is more annoying
that a large bloody scrape.
So they take Shawn away in the ambulance. We see Shawn
lieing in there, perhaps saying, 'So
we getting some pizza later?? That was a mighty
damn fine piece of acting, wouldn't you say? I think the girls would love that. Actually,
drop me off at Denny's.'
Mankind vs. Rock. DX and the Corporate Team are at ringside to support their men.
Mankind gets rock bottomed onto the announcer's table and caused pencils to scatter in
disarray ALL over the floor. Oh, the humanity.
Kenny interferes in the match, hitting Mankind with a chair, causing Billy Butt to run
in and throw himself AND Kenny outside the ring. Billy takes a running leap ONTO Kenny in
yet another act of love and affection. Sorry. Actually, he probably had to really get back
at him for hitting him in the face earlier in the show.
While the melee ensued outside the ring, the camera cuts to a full shot of the arena
and we hear Austin's glass breaking entrance theme. The entire audience JUMPED up at the
same time which was a pretty incredible visual.
Austin comes in advertising his NEW Austin shirt. Oh.. he clocks Rock with the chair,
then drapes Mankind over him, leaves the ring, ('Gotta go, bye!') and MANKIND WINS!! The
WWF site already released this spoiler before airing the RAW episode but this was still a
highly entertaining RAW.
As Austin leaves, Testes is looking at him, with his mouth open in an 'O' shape (ooh..
new marketing idea.. inflatable Testes dolls! After all, he is a pretty .. woman..heh) and
he must have been thinking, 'Who WAS that unknown man? He was super! I think I'm in love.
Is he a wrestler? I haven't even seen him wrestle yet!' Then Testes snapped out of it,
closed his mouth and descended upon reality again.
Cole says 'Mankind may not be the best looking..' Hey, Cole, he's better looking than
you!! And to boot, he has more personality in his little finger than you have in your
|Mankind states, 'this feels damn good!' Shane
responds by screaming, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAH!! (and then with more conviction..) AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!'
You and Kenny must converse often.
Mankind dedicates the belt to his two little people
at home and screams, 'Big Daddy-o did it!' and he proceeds to run around the ring holding
the belt up high.
Too sweet. It's so sweet my molars are disintegrating.
|Congratulations Mick, you deserve it
and so much more!