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By Chokee Slam
| January 11, 1999 Houston Texas Again,
a sea of signs:
Liar. You're no 'Lopez' white dude.
And yet another:
Just one?? You can use it as a paper
weight or something, especially if it's silicone.
We found a really odd multiple person sign however that read:
Necold Stocks Ass Kic?? I didn't know
there was a market for stocking ass. Actually what happened here was the person who was
holding the:
'STO
KIC'
sign was about five feet shorter than his fellow co-horts of Multiple Signage and he
just couldn't level his sign to theirs. Or he was just sitting two rows in front of his
friends.
Finally, we see a sign where someone illustrated the Rock with a BIG SQUARE LONG
BLOCKHEAD!! Rockenstein; the People's Creation.
DX enters the top of the ramp and little X-Pac is bouncing happily behind them. I tell
ya, one of these days his foot is going to get caught in the grating and he'll never want
to be the happiest boy alive anymore. Actually, it's part of his personality to be so
vibrant and alive. I'll leave him be. (Yeah sure..) (X-Pac is the happiest member of
DX...B.C.)
We have noticed before that NAO have matching eyebrow piercings (do you guys have
matching tattoos as well?? For example, Dogg has a heart with Billy's butt drawn in and
Billy has a heart with a dog in it?) I don't know, I think I have to reference Marilyn
Manson's list of 'you may be gay if…' items. NAO introduces Mankind who enters to his
NEW theme music. It's a somewhat bluesy
hang-out-at-the-bar-and-pick-a-fight-with-the-local-cowboy type of music. An improvement
but not much. Hey, WWF, ask Rob Zombie to come up with something.
Mankind takes the mic, thanks all the people who had helped him make his way to the WWF
title. He also wishes Jim Ross to get better so that he could do commentary for a Mankind
title match. We echo the wishes. Get well Ross! You're sorely missed.
Signage:
You can get your Ed Kit by calling
1-800-ED-EDKIT for five easy payments of $99.99. (Ed sold separately... B.C.) |
| Mankind also thanks Austin for his assistance in
winning the title. Aw Mankind, you need to stop trying to befriend Austin. You should know
by now that he doesn't play well with the other kids. He has episodes.. violent
tendencies. He's a hazard in the playpen. |
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| The Rock comes out, with Vinnie and
Shane in tow. Asides from the fact that Shane does these annoying hand gestures as he
speaks, we notice that he suffers from small head. Perhaps his shoulders are too broad
now. Rock comes out to request a title match with Mankind. Uh.. I thought Vinnie had the
ability to sanction matches.. (SSSSSSSHHHH.. B.C.)
At this point of the Rock's career, I think he really needs new catch phrases. We've
got a few, Rock, we'll sell some to you. You'll get a free Ed Kit if you take advantage of
this special offer.
Eventually an 'I QUIT' match is set for Royal Rumble between Mankind and Rock, with no
DQ, no count out and no Team Corporate members. Plus, the match cannot be stopped for
excessive blood loss. Maybe it should be called a 'BLEED TO DEATH' match. Ya, we'll see.
By the way, Rock's got a zit on his cheek. It was about drying up though. What, the
make-up crew has no concealer??
Now Vinnie is remarkably able to set up a match between Kane and Mankind for this Raw
(go figure the logic..). As Vinnie is talking to Mankind, he starts to walk down the ramp
and towards the camera, with his eyes looking more and more crossed, looking like an evil
dead.
Austin enters the arena wearing the same shirt he wore last Raw. I do hope you
showered.
By the way, WWF.com reported that Shawn Michaels had a successful surgery and is
resting at home yet puking his little guts out. (Mom, I need a bucket... B.C.) We
figure it's probably from the anesthesia. Poor guy. You're a trooper, you'll be fine.
Bostin however is a regurgitator from breathing air, yet when she had anesthesia, she
didn't puke at all. Go figure. As for me, I can point out all the areas in bars and clubs
that my drunken puke puddles have landed.. ranging from New York to Chicago to California
to Canada (this was a result from staring right into Niagara Falls however, I wasn't
drinking at the time). Good thing I gave up alcohol. It was making me turn colors, like
red, white, blue, green and eventually plaid.
NAO with Chyna vs. Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett with Debra McMichael. McMichael's legs
are still shimmering with what I assume is butter (or the WWF's choice of active
lubricant, Castrol…FNS). Just don't light a match around her.
Flashback of Heat showing how Debra was an ASSet to Jarrett and Owen against Big Boss
Man and Kenny. Debra allowed Boss Man a full on grab of her buttock (and he may as well
have squeezed it like a lemon) hence Boss Man loses the match due to his horniness. But
Booze Man didn't care, he touched an ass. He told Kenny about his score also.. 'Hey! I
touched her ass! She's my girlfriend now! She's coming over for dinner. She likes butter..
(on her legs)..'
By the way, as Jarrett was walking down the ramp, it looked like he was wearing 4
CUPS!!! What the hell is he packing in there? Debra's Country Crock? Oh, that's not
butter. I don't know WHAT that is. |
| Debra tries to distract Billy Gunn in this match
but instead he looks at her.. points at Debra Boob #1, then #2 (okay, it's the right
amount..) then gives her the crotch chop. She looked so offended, she was looked to the
referee like, 'RAEFF!! RAEFF!! That wuz VIAL!' |
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| Chyna didn't take too well to this,
since we know that she and Billy are kinda tight, ya know, what with the Eskimo kisses and
the sharing of thongs and hip huggers. Chyna confronts Debra, who tries to show her
buttered thighs and EVEN tries to CARESS Chyna's arm. Chyna then shoves Debra all the way
to California. I love it when she does that. All you see is this blond blur fly across the
screen. Still, this was enough distraction for NAO to lose the match. Oh well. Then we
have the introduction of Gillberg; Duane Gill mocking Goldberg of course. Gill comes out
of the locker room, accompanied by bored security guards, as he growls and sticks his
tongue out, punches the air, smacks himself on the face (careful, you may get yourself
dizzy). Gillberg enters atop the ramp, with the Job Squad (sans Al Snow) holding sparklers
around him. Holly couldn't keep his sparkler going. Mm, the story of his life? OH. Just
kidding. Since his hair isn't distracting us anymore, we see that he's a very good
wrestler. |
| This was one of the funniest segments of the
evening as Gillberg coughed from his own little 'fire' show, got one of the sparklers
landing on his shoulder as he screamed, 'OUCH' and tried to brush it off. And to make it
worse, he wrestles against Luna. She basically whoops his ass. As she jumps off the top
rope, I'm sure all Gillberg saw from this point on were TWO large boobs coming right at
his face. |
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| I would have had a heart attack even
before the boobs smothered me. Of course Gillberg loses the match against thick-necked
Luna (I guess that fusilli hair extension was good for her). Then that 'crazed fan'
chick, Terri Powers, runs in to attack Luna. Okay, next story.
Dennis Knight is at ringside, telling Lawler and Cole that 'he's here..'. The
Acolytes come out, showing off their new leather pants (ooh, they finally have a gimmick
worthy of costume changes), to take Knight away.
Val Venis comes out, doing that hand shaking thing which, to us, looks like he's
flinging his boogers off his fingers. The way Venis flings the boogers off in such rapid
flicking motions, you imagine him saying, 'boogersboogersboogers' (at least WE imagine
that). But what's worse is he licks his fingers after that. BLECH! Venis gyrates in front
of a chick in the audience and Kenny runs out to attack Venis. Of course they're trying to
make us believe that this girl is Kenny's sister. Oh well, I'll play along. Hey, now I can
see where the good looking genes went to. OH, sorry. Kenny is a handsome man. Kenny is a
handsome man.
Kenny beats up on Venis. For motivation, Kenny is reciting the lines of his script in
his head, 'You leave my FAKE SISTER ALONE! For goodness sakes, I don't even know what this
girl's name is!' |
| Billy Butt then has to join in the fun as he comes
out to moon the girl. It was a bad moon rising. Anyways, before Kenny ran into the ring to
tackle Billy Butt, I'm sure Billy's last words were, 'wait, let me get my pants back on..
OOF!!' The Boss Man runs in as well.. maybe he thought he could get another grab at some
buttock! Kenny takes the mic. Uh-oh. Sometimes his voice wavers between the 3 year old kid
of yesterday and the new improved Kenny voice of today. |
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| But ya know what, when he says things
like, 'I'm aim to put you down for good!', it doesn't matter if you sound like Satan or
Melanie Griffith, sometimes you shouldn't even pick up the mic at all. Austin and
Mankind are backstage yukking it up like old buddies. They walk away and the camera zooms
in on a ragged, dirty pair of jean shorts hanging up. I suppose Austin is in need of a new
pair. Justin Credible's got a nice pair of jean shorts, supports his robusto ass very well
indeed. Stevie, however, has a white billboard of an ass.
Little X-Pec (he's got nice pecs.. ) vs. Al Snow. Al sports a cropped shirt over his
wrestling tights. They remind me of guido shirts that guys so proudly wore to reveal the
hair that was creeping out of their belly button and down further to Miami. I'm sure Al
shaves his belly.
At one point in this match, X-Pac gives Al the Face Raping Bronco Move. This was when I
was thinking how I wouldn't mind being in Al's place, and Bostin wouldn't mind being in
X-Pac's place. (I wouldn't be jumping up and down like THAT!… B.C.) True,
there would definitely be face breakage. And I would most definitely choke to death. OH!
Ah well, my name is Chokee Slam. (We've just horrified most of our Mad
Phat fans, and wrestlers alike... B.C.)
Let's move on.. (Yeah, lets... B.C.)
Goldust comes out to steal Head. Al loses the match.
Backstage we see Vinnie telling Kane, 'So YOU wanna be a big shot and you want to win
this title all on your own… okay fine.. then GO!' Kane's body language said,
'Alright, fine.. I'm going.. (he walks to the door) .. see me going.. (opens the door) ..
I'm going now.. (looks back to Vince)… okay bye now.' See how body language can relay
more messages than mere words can??
Kane enters the ring. It looked like an audience member threw what looked like a tennis
ball and it ricocheted off his boob and flew upward. I'm sure the ball flew up to the
bleachers and cold-cocked someone, making them miss the rest of the show. This is why I do
not condone throwing things at wrestlers. |
| As reported in the last RAW report, Kane had a HUGE
wet spot on his butt which was a definite shape of a W. So we believe that he's trying to
convey a message to us and since he is unable to speak, he will do so by spelling letters
on his butt via wet spottage. This week, it looked like a 'V'. OR even possibly (when he
was bending way over) a 'Y'. Perhaps even a spread out 'I'. So far, he's spelt out: WI, or
WY, or WV. Stay tuned as this news breaking story unfolds (in perhaps a few years,
depending on what he wants to say). |
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| Kane vs. Mankind. Damn, that Kane is a
BIG man! I wonder if he ever accidentally smushed his wife or cat (if he has one) while
rolling over in bed. I bet if he slept on his hand, forget about it, no blood circulation
at all. We're talking possible amputation. OH, the match. Just when Kane was about to
pin Mankind, Rock runs in and gives Kane the chair 'OW'. Kane sits up, looks at Rock like,
'Hey, I thought you were my friend.. (the chair again) OW'. Austin runs in and Mankind
hands Austin the chair. Austin stuns Mankind (I told you he can't play like other kids),
then wake up, Kane honey, put your shoes on, it's your cue to get the stunner also. 'OW'.
Rock is yelling at Vinnie that he doesn't want Kane to be the champ. Geesh. Can't you
live without having the spotlight on ya? I mean, it starts to burn, you know? Then you'll
start to resemble a saddle bag with eyes. Or worse yet, Hollywood Hogan.
Chyna with HHH. HHH takes the mic and says, 'Doe Pax Sennur world uuuuh'. WHUH??
'HUESTON ARE YOU READY?? I said uuuuuh..' (he adds 'uuuh's after his sentences often. Is
this a speech impedimentuuuuh?).
Okay, it's the clash of the shimmery bright tights as the Electric Blue Leggings (Edge)
goes against the Sparkly Pinkish Red Leggings (HHH). I'd say none is the winner.
Edge came to the ring via audience. It looked like someone pushed him though because as
he was coming down the steps, he uncomfortable jolted to the side. Careful, we don't want
a smear of embarassment on the steps. There's already enough gunk there.. sticky soda,
papers, lint..
Does anyone think that Edge is happier now that Chyna got her reconstructive surgery?
Edge has the superior chin now.
HHH gets the win over Edge by putting his crotch right on his face for the pin. The
Brood runs out, since they were mighty offended that Edge was so violated in such a
manner, and the lights go out. The lights come back on.. and Dogg is drenched in blood.
You know, lately we've been seeing Christian looking ragged and old. This obviously means
that he's not having his daily requirement of blood and this is because they're wasting it
on blood baths! Think about it. You vampires aren't too bright.
It was reported from someone who attended this Raw event, HHH said to Dogg, 'Do you
want a tampon?' Yo guys, stop stealing my jokes. At least credit accordingly.
As Dogg got drenched, I thought I saw another tennis ball flying by.
Now we see Dennis Knight laying on a table with the Acolytes standing by and there's
the Undertaker logo throne. The massive sized Jawas come out to join the party. Undertaker
comes out, sits on his throne and CUE THE TAPE! so he can lipsynch along with his
pre-recorded speech. He was about 3 seconds too slow in mouthing it however. Maybe he
should have said, 'Can we do this again? TAKE TWO!!' |
| Of course with the hooded robe, he may as well have
been sleeping there or crossing his eyes in jest and no one would suspect a thing. I was
quite mesmerized by the laser pointers on his face and as he was synching his speech, I
thought he mouthed, 'STOP THAT!' The recording said, 'I am the heart of darkness..' Then
an audience member blows off his airhorn. Hey dude, HEART of darkness.. not FART of
darkness. Geesh. No respect. |
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| UT goes over to the satin clothed
Knight, with a blade. 'I'm gonna carve me a P.I.G.' hehe.. get it?? UT incises his wrist,
lets the 'blood' flow from the blood pack hidden inside his robe sleeve, into the goblet..
meanwhile Knight is sweating like a P.I.G. hehe.. get it?? PIG?? Phineas … eh..
forget it. So I ask, how can one sweat just from lieing down?? UT starts carving his
symbol on Knight's chest. He and Bearer should have started playing tic tac toe. UT sits
back on his throne, fidgeting and butthole surfing a little to get comfortably in place..
'now roll me back to the dressing room. I'm gonna go home and cry cause this was a really
retarded segment.'
He didn't say that? Oh well.. I always say don't rely on my sources.
PMS comes out with D'Lo. Since Terri's 'accident' last week, D'lo feels obligated to do
ANYTHING for Terri. How about putting her out of her misery? Terri wants D'lo to wrestle
Henry. As Henry is walking down the ramp, he slips on what we assume is a jiz streak. But
don't take our word for it.
Part of Henry's music lyrics says, 'reach down..' and sometimes two mere words can make
you think of another song. 'Panama' by Van Halen came to mind. 'Reach down.. between my
legs.. ease the seat back.. (forgot some words..) power steering.. hard of hearing… '
Aw come on, I know EVERYONE has replaced actual lyrics with what they THOUGHT the lyrics
were. I think there was a Type O Negative song that sounded like he was singing, 'I didn't
want to go out because my boobs were showing..' Hey, I don't blame you. (FNS
thought that this Pretenders song was saying 'like a pigeon from Hell' ... B.C.) (That's
one nasty pigeon!! ... C.S.)
Anyway.. oh.. this is a wrestling report, right? Henry gets his nuts rammed again (I
forgot by who) and Chyna and Sammy comes out. Damn, that she-man is sooo horrid. One look
at him and my eyebrows wilt and fall off, my hair curls up in repulsion…
Chyna shoves Jacqueline again which makes her boobs pop out of her halter top yet
again. I think we've seen Jacqueline's boobs more than she has by now.
Now the mini Royal Rumble between DX and Team Corporate. Kenny starts it off. We see
Billy Gunn coming down the ring and I swear Cole said, 'Dead Ass Billy Gunn..' Is that
wishful thinking Cole?? |
| Kenny jumps over the top rope to get to Billy and
eliminates himself. Oh Kenny. Boss Man runs in.. (be careful of the jiz streak..) to beat
up on Billy. As Royal Rumbles go, more men flock in and some go out. By the way, Testes
IS the Corporate Testes! He was packing!! (with packing material?? Those little ghost
turds?? ..B.C.) Like a HORSE! And to the right. (There will be no more
need for Mankind to question Testes' gender again, or his religion, for that matter ...
B.C.) |
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| At one point, poor X-Pac is stuck with
Boss Man, Kane and Testes (watch those balls!!). Cole says it's 3 on 1. Actually we figure
it's more like 15 on 1. Testes equals 2 people, Kane equals 3 and Boss Man equals 10
people (standing shoulder to shoulder). Sorry. Actually, Testes addendum there is a whole
entity in itself.. so I guess it's like 16 on 1. Sorry.
Eventually, HHH and Boss Man is left and Vinnie is the next man out. He bides his time
and manages to throw them both out and does a little mocking of Hulkamania as he rips his
shirt off, tweaking his own nipples as well. But hey, there's one more DX member.. Chyna.
Austin distracts Vinnie and Chyna actually wins the Rumble. So she becomes the 30th
person to enter the BIG Rumble on the upcoming PPV. This was a good segment. I was not
expecting Chyna.
Actually when Chyna threw Vinnie out, it looked like he really jacked himself up. His
neck kinda slingshot against the rope as his back bounced off the mat edge as well. Didn't
look very good at all. But Austin, while staying in character, knelt down beside him
seemingly cursing him but was probably checking if he was alright. 'You okay to sign my
paycheck Vinnie??' Then gives him the middle fingers. |
| Austin leaves the arena laughing.. very cute smile
actually. It seems that he revealed a little of his true self there, who is someone just
having fun and seeing the WWF for the circus-like soap opera that it is. |
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| Chokee in the Big Top.
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