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By Chokee Slam
| January 18, 1999 Stone Cold enters
and the camera pans to the redundant signs (but we pick out the special ones):
Ran out of ink?? Did you
guys use that part of the sign as perhaps makeshift toilet paper? (That's gotta hurt AND
leave a mark).
Another sign:
Yes yes, it did say 3:16
but it was a lazy lazy '6'. There's no part of Steve Austin that's 3 lbs except for his
neck hair, I guess. Heh.
Michael Cole is waiting in the ring to interview Stevie. Before Cole could even say,
'tremendous', Stevie forcefully grabs the mic. The audience howls and Stevie smirks, 'heh,
they loved that'. Though Austin gave Mankind the stunner last week, he still says some
very nice things about him such as, 'Mankind is a deserving and respected man.' However, I
couldn't take my eyes off of Stevie's bubble butt. It really was pretty well rounded. I
bet if someone put a stickpin in there, it'd pop and wilt like a busted balloon. Hmff, and
I thought he had a flat billboard ass. Proved me wrong.
Stevie kept talking about whooping Vinnie 'all night long'. But I couldn't stop
thinking of that Lionel Richie song. 'All Night Long.. oh yeah…. All Night Long…
whOOA… All Night Long.. whoo hoo… All Night Long…' Not a lyrical genius,
that Lionel. I'm a scarred veteran of the 80's.
Backstage we see Road Dogg piling some necessities into a dumpster for his upcoming
Hardcore match against Gangrel, which includes, oh my, the Rubbermaid plastic garbage can.
You may as well also bring some cotton balls, a feather, rolled up pieces of paper, a
water pistol and some HARSH words (we at Mad Phat, have plenty of that, so if you need to
buy some, contact us).
WWF camera films a group of kids wearing Rock tee-shirts while doing the crotch chop.
They are apparantly confused and technically should be beating themselves up via the Rock
Bottom or the Pedigree. |
| Dogg vs. Mongrel (I meant Gangrel. Please note due
to recent hate mail to me about my comments on Gangrel, it has only egged me on to be MORE
brutal. Don't you people ever learn??). This match was mighty short for a hardcore bout.
This is probably because fat ass Gangrel got winded as soon as he walked down the ramp.
Hey, in his entrance theme, the first thing you hear is him letting out an exasperated
breath. |
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| Anyways, Dogg is still doing that 'tag
team champion of the wooooorld' speech and STILL adds the name, 'Bad Ass Billy Gunn' but
this time he shrugged his shoulders while saying it. It seems he's asking himself why he
even bothers since BILLY IS NOT WITH YOU AND YOU GUYS ARE IN SINGLES COMPETITION THESE
DAYS!! I think he's trying to see who will give in first: me (writing about how stupid it
is) or him (wanting to do whatever he damn well pleases no matter how futile it is). I can
understand. When my computer was freezing up about ten times in one sitting, I just kept
rebooting and rebooting, refusing to give in. It was a test of will. During this match,
Gangrel's shirt flew up and we saw the gothic chub. His blubber made his belly button look
broad and large. I think he's gonna blow! Or give birth. When Gangrel is down, he looked
like a gothic beached whale. Yes yes, beached whales aren't all that gothic (asides from
the fact that they're dead) but then again, Gangrel isn't very 'gothic' either. Goths
should have bleached or platinum hair, not BLOND (unless the 'rules' have changes since
the 80's). I think I've said 'gothic' enough times in that paragraph.
The match was pretty good in spite of the fact that it was short. As rotund and heavy
as Gangrel is, he still couldn't break through a table though. Dogg had to land on him in
the most unflattering manner THREE times.
Oh, Dogg won. |
| Backstage, Austin looks like he's advertising the
beer he's drinking, as he's got one leg up against the wall, hand in pocket, looking all
rico-suave. Keep drinking more and eventually you'll be slumped over in a drunken heap on
the floor, all red-faced, scratching your armpits and belching. |
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| Billy Gunn is in the ring, takes the
mic and manages to drawl out, '.. Inter-con-tin-ental Title..' It was a hard fought effort
to say it. Hey Billy Booty, can you say 'superkalifragilisticespialidocious'? (I know I
spelled that wrong..) He goes against Testes. |
| As they compare their boy leg briefs and check each
other out in the ring, Billy tells Testes to 'suck it'. Testes then mimes a blowjob. I
think they've got themselves a date! This was a battle of the boy leg briefs (Battle of
the Network Panties… B.C.) Testes is coming in LOUD and flaming with his light
purple shimmery pair while Billy Butt sports the fatally blinding WHITE ones with lips on
them. Either way, they're liable to blind each other or make each other spontaneously
combust. |
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| Yet still, Testes has a mighty package.
Even when he's lieing down on the canvas, it's a mountain. F.N. Steiner even noticed that
it wiggled. Yo FNS, why are you staring at his hill?? As a result, FNS was rendered blind. There
was an old lady in the audience checking Testes out as well. Go granny. Perhaps this
leaves Billy with penis envy? Nah, I think Billy was thinking more of THINGS that he wants
to do with Testes. After all, he did tell him to suck it. But since Testes is so huge, why
would he bother with Billy when he's got himself. (That could result in a broken neck
however..) OH!!
Cole or Lawler stated how Billy Butt could telegraph a move. '..dot..dot… dash..
bodyslam.. dot dot..' Get it?? Eh.. forget it.
During this match, Kenny runs in (he wanted to check out the Corporate Hill). Kenny
sports a white shirt that his pointed nipples were yearning to break out of PLUS he must
have been eating a few hot dogs backstage while waiting for his cue for there was some
mustard stain on the shirt. Yo Kenny, SHOUT it out! Just lay the shirt on the table and do
what you do best, 'AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!' (You did, however, forget to mention that the
stain was on the BACK of the shirt... ?... B.C.)
Backstage, the doc is tending to Billy's ankle as Road Dogg holds his hand and coos to
him. Sing a Lionel Richie song to him, it'll render him unconscious, then the doc can
'snap' the ankle back in place. 'oooh what a feelin'… dancin' on the ceiling…'
Sorry. |
| Backstage interview with Owen Hart, Jarrett and
Debra McMichael. I'm sure they were JUST about to reveal the cure for cancer when Kenny
and Boss Man run in to pound on them. I'm sure Boss Man also wanted to wipe some of the
butter off McMichael's leg so he can deep fry some lard. But I think Owen was attacked
because of the black/ yellow/ red joker-like shirt he was wearing. He should have worn the
Joker hat to complete the ensemble. He actually dresses like my grandma with WALL PAPER
patterns as clothing. |
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| Another Vinnie training segment. Shane
points to a wrestler in the ring who Vinnie is supposed to sprint with. Shane says,
'That's Austin..' You mean Bob Austin?? Jane Austin?? Austin Jones?? Cuz that sure wasn't
Steve Austin. Not even the six million dollar man, who I bet Vinnie can beat since he
moves so damn slow when his bionics are in full force. Backstage, Boss has resorted to
beating Mankind. Geez. I reckon Mankind was innocently going to the deli tray while Boss
was beating on Jarrett, and surprisingly gets attacked. Bossy does some damage to Mankind
by scraping his knuckles on his back. What were you trying to do, light your fist??
Dan Severn vs. Steve Blackman. OOH, Severn has returned to the ring. All our memories
of Dan are flooding back, like his washing machine shaped body, his teeny tiny feet and
his LARGE turtleneck panties. Blackman runs into the ring towards Dan, probably screaming,
'DO MY LAUNDRY!!' Sorry. |
| It seems that Dan's not only been out of the ring
for a while, but he hasn't been out of his house either. BOY, he was as pasty white as
Duane Gil. One point, he put his hand on his arm and left a red hand print on it. (Also
Dan does an elbow drop but lands on his ass yet he holds in elbow in pain. I guess he
doesn't know his ass from his elbow… B.C.) Dan gives Blackman the dragon
sleeper, seemingly screaming, 'SMELL MY PIT, AREN'T YOU GLAD I USED DIAL!!' |
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| Austin is STILL drinking backstage. We
think he's on his 3rd 12-pack. He should have been staring blankly at the
ceiling and drooling by now. A Rock and Mankind montage. Rock has taken a predilection
to saying, 'Know Your Role Boulevard..' What about Monkey Ass Boulevard?? Then a clippage
of Rock being interviewed as he blabbers on and on. He says, 'You know (Mankind), even
though you have one ear, I have two..' Uuuh. Okay. I guess you have to prove yourself one
better than Mankind in any aspect possible. Then maybe you should have said, 'you've got
one eyebrow, I have two.. you have two testicles, I have four!' WOW.
Bossy and Mankind stumble out towards the ring pounding on each other. The little old
lady in the audience (she must be a plant) was scolding Mankind to get off Bossy. She must
be BossMan's mommy.
In the ring, Boss did something really funny, though not intentionally. He threw
Mankind into a corner turnbuckle and ran towards him like a choo cho train. It looked like
his arms were peddling on his sides and all we could think of was Boss mumbling,
'choochoochoo'… with his hips chugging along.
Also with his hips chugging, he was almost duck-like. So of course he could have also
been mumbling, 'quackquackquackquack…'
Just as Mankind was letting Boss taste Socko, Rock comes out with a chair… and to
do commentary. The Rock must also think that his catch phrases are redundant because now
he's stolen Stevie's 'AH-AH!' exclamation. Yo Rock, we told you we have new catch phrases
for you.. for a price.
Rock is also stealing Stevie's moves. Rock knocks Mankind down and crawls over to him,
yelling at Mankind's face, head shaking side to side the Austin way. Poor Rock.. he's left
with old catch phrases and a lousy elbow.
Cue up Rock's theme music.. 'The Rock says… the Rock says… the Rock says..'
The Rock says other people's catch phrases or expressions.
Backstage, Stevie is done drinking his 1000th can of beer and is now going
for the caffeine. Damn, he's gotta smell like a Colombian Brewery. Interesting.
Chyna comes out followed by Mark Henry.
Camera cuts to Henry's mom in the audience; the Sexual Momma. She looked like, 'What choo
talkin' 'bout, Chyna??' as Chyna forces Henry to reveal the truth. Henry admits that they
never did the wild thang (I don't know but dancing in a redneck bar is pretty wild). |
| But Chyna still shows the footage of Henry groping
Sammy. Sammy asked Henry, 'How does my ass feel??' in this low, hoarse manly voice.
Actually it was kinda like Kenny's voice. Heh. Sorry. Just kidding. Henry discovers that
Sammy is in fact a man with penis. Hopefully this is the last we see of lumpy she-males in
the WWF. Well, there's still Testes. |
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| Al Snow vs. Goldust. Whoever wins gets
Head. Al had some dried yellow (mustard-like) schmutz on his white shirt also. I guess he
was backstage sharing a hot dog with Kenny. So why would he want Head after he'd had hot
dog with Kenny? Oops.. sorry. Multiple signage:
Nothing interesting
about this sign.. except that one of the people holding it looked like KD Lang.
Al wins but instead of getting Head, he gets the shattered dream. Oh no Goldie, don't
kick the turnbuckle underneath the anteater.. (that's abstract). I'm sure Al felt a slight
rumble though. Goldie leaves with Head. This storyline basically came out of nowhere.
Besides, why would Goldie want Head?? I thought his character liked tail.
Stevie is drinking his 5th vat of coffee. Has he pee'd yet? I'm sure he
knows that once he opens the flood gates, there's no stopping the waterfall. Anyways, he
has such docile backstage segments.. next they should have shown him playing parchese,
backgammon, or Yahtzee. Then he can sip some tea, then read a newspaper.
Patterson and Crisco are arguing backstage about who is the better man to wrestle
against Chyna. |
| Dennis Knight is by ringside again. I assume he
graduated from the Ministry since he's wearing a light maroon graduation gown. He seems to
be saying '7 brides for 7 brothers..' Uuuh…Okay. I guess that's why he was frightened
that time he was thrown into the room of screaming people. They were forcing him to watch
7 brides for 7 brothers.. and probably forcing him to sing along to it as well. Hey, at
least it wasn't Pirates of Penzance. |
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| Undertaker's throne is out again, so are the
Acolytes. By the way, UT's hood was crooked. UT gives his speech but it wasn't
pre-recorded this time. However the audience didn't seem too interested because there was
this over-all mumbling among the audience. They were all conversing amongst themselves. We
thought UT would eventually get frustrated and yell, 'SHUT UP OUT THERE!! I'M TRYING TO
SAY MY LINES HERE!' But I think most people opted to take a bathroom break, chase down the
popcorn or cotton candy vendor or write that novel they've always been meaning to write. |
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| UT says, 'Tonight I speak of
prophecy..' The movie?? Oh that was a horrible movie. Can we talk about Kingdom of the
Spiders?? UT says, 'The ceremony has been scheduled.' We'll wait for the invite.
Now for the circus portion of the evening: Chyna vs. Patterson and Crisco.
One point, Chyna grabs both Patterson and Crisco nuts (criscoed nuts.. HIGH cholesterol..)
and I'm sure she had to Lysol her hands afterwards.. or just chop it off. Blech. (LAVA
wouldn't even help… B.C.)
Chyna then falls out of the ring and Sable strolls out like, 'Where was my dressing
room. I know it's around here somewhere..' Thankfully Luna came in and whipped her ass.
What, you don't want another female to take the spotlight? Chyna can probably bodypress an
elephant (or the Big Boss Man) and Sable manages to heft her boobs around. OH. Actually,
I'm sure they must weigh a ton.
Eventually Chyna gets baby powder thrown in her face and Patterson and Crisco fondle
and touch her boobs. Though this segment was censored, and the Stooges are supposed to be
assholes, it was still so wrong. I know we tend to be crass and obscene but this was done
in such a degrading manner.
Chyna does win of course since the Stooges are too busy not letting the other guy pin
her.
Rock is talking about his silver metallic-like $500 shirt. Rock, you got ripped off. I
think if he rollie-pollied and rolled down the ring, he'd look like a disco ball.
Rock has a zit along his hairline now. Last week it was on his cheek. I think that zit
is mobile.
Rock vs. Kane. Testes has a zit in the middle of his forehead. I guess the road crew
just ran out of Clearasil. Is that the Rock's zit?? The Rock's got zits for ya!
As Vinnie tells Kane he should take the fall in the match, Kane gives him a good ole
F.U. fist action which cues the Corporate Team to beat up on him of course. They have him
in the corner and Kenny and Testes are each holding one leg about to make a wish. Seemed
more like he was going to be so raped. Of course if I was there, I'd see it as an
opportunity. Sorry. I don't know but I think Kane is still a virgin.
Eventually Kane goes ballistic, chokeslams the Rock, then picks up Testes over the rope
to slam him. Eventually everyone including the Sexual Momma runs in. Okay that didn't
happen. Mankind runs in with the chair to assist Kaney (WHOO HOO!!). Rock is walking back
towards the locker room area, yabbering to Mankind, probably saying, 'The Rock says to
have a nice day!' (since we know that Rock is desperate for new catch phrases). Austin
appears behind Rock to clock him. |
| But right before the end of the program, we see
Mankind helping the Rock get up. 'Did I hurt you?' Aw, how sweet. Be careful Mankind, the
Rock's got mobile zits. Talk about abstract.
Chokee Slams Zits |
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