By Chokee Slam
|January 25, 1999
This Raw starts off with broad screen pictorials of the Royal Rumble PPV. Hey, uh.. you
guys really shouldn't show Austin in WIDE screen. He broadened out like a pancake.
MULTITUDES of signage:
Is that pronounced Jee-zus or
Hey-Zeus?? For instance, is 'JOSE' pronounced 'Joe's' or 'Hoe-Zay'.
Shane is standing in the ring and introduces his pops.
Like Pop Rocks? Well, feisty X-Pac
does tend to pop around the ring like the explosive little candies. But at least you don't
have to wet him to get him going. He runs on pure DX adrenaline.
Yes, we've got ass for ya. Concave
ones, tabletop asses, hairy ass, singing asses, snappin' ass, pimply ass, asses that
reverberate over the toilet bowl
Of course, homophobes don't seem to
be in arms reach of a dictionary.
WOW, Vinnie finally made it to the ring, only to take the mic and with as much phlegm
as he can muster, growls out, 'I came, I saw, I kicked Stone Cold's yass..' Yes, yass. We
heard it and what is heard is.. what we hear. We hear all the things we hear.
Meanwhile, as the Corp Team is in camera view, we get a glimpse in the background of an
audience member holding up a big Steve Austin cardboard cut-out. Of course this brings in
a barrage of scenarios that this person was involved in while carting it to the arena. Did
he have to purchase an extra seat for Cutout Austin? Does Cutout Austin hold his place in
the concession line while he takes a tinkle? And the most beneficial thing is when he
places an order for some hot dogs and a couple of cold ones, he can tell the concession
person, '2 beers
and Stevie is paying.'
Meanwhile, CutOut Austin is just dancing about on the audience's heads while Vinnie
continues to babble on. CutOut Austin leans over to the side, probably to get a better
view of the contents in the ring.
Now finally, the storyline. Since Vinnie won the Royal Rumble, he becomes the
challenger for the Rock's title at Wrestlemania. BUT Vince has signed papers to remove
himself from that spot and will name someone else as the opponent.
Cole says, 'Is Vince yellow??' No, actually he's rather tanned and on occasion his neck
and nose is red and about to shed.
|Austin pops up on the Titantron. No, the real
Austin, not a cut-out, though at some moments he was rather stiff and didn't blink. He's
drinking beer and in the background we see the shelf of liquor. 2 bottles of Absolut, 2
tanguerays, Bailey's, some fine rum and I believe Austin drank it ALL already. His eyes
were half closed and he couldn't stop snickering throughout this segment.
|Austin says, 'I'm going to Wrestlemania
to face the chaimpion..' Raelly??
Shawn Michaels then pops in to join Stevie. Turns out
they're at SHAWN's liquor bar in his home in San Antonio. Shawn, you should know better
than to invite Steve over to your place with all that liquor! Next your rubbing alcohol
and mouthwash and your nail polish remover will disappear.. OH.. sorry.
|So it's time for Shawn to do the speaking, as
Austin stares drunkedly at the floor, thinking, 'Ai'm drunk.' Austin then looks to Shawn,
seemingly with affection in his eyes, wanting to say, 'I love this man.' And Shawn is
STILL speaking so Stevie starts playing with his goatee. (With his own, or with
Shawn's??? ... B.C) Eventually Stevie would be scraping out eye cookies,
picking his nose or extracting belly button lint.
|We had to rewind to hear what Shawn was
saying since we were so distracted by Stevie. Since Vinnie has stepped down from the title
bout, the runner-up (which is Austin of course) becomes the contender. Then BOTH of them
start scratching their goatee. Meanwhile, Shawn's eyebrows is just a centimeter away from
becoming the dreaded uni-brow, the 'one continuous eyebrow'. 1 long caterpillar.
then suggests a cage match for the Valentine's Day Massacre PPV between him and Vinnie.
The corporate team then huddled in the ring to converse. They probably weren't even saying
anything audible. It was probably equivalent to, 'hummeda hummeda hummeda.. 7, 21,
' (then Kenny screams, '99!!').
Okay.. and the pearl is in the
(The rooster crows at midnight. It's a cold day for pontooning...
The Brinks truck enters the arena, which contains Vinnie's gift of $100,000 for the
Rock, who eliminated Austin at Royal Rumble.
|Goldust enters the ring with a slight change in
make-up. He's got the black drawn in like Japanese Ivy and it's creeping up from his chin
to his cheeks and into his mouth. I think he needs to see a doctor and get rid of it. It
may be a case of 'lickus the rope-us'. Now we know how Goldust used to lick the ring rope
before fully entering the ring and now we see the results. Now he's got some acrylic
cancer growing up his face.
|Goldie vs. Billy Butt (in hot pink
Multiple Person Signage:
Mr. 'T' (heh) was holding his sign
rather limply so their sign just spelled out what looked like a horrible spelling for the
Japanese alcoholic beverage.
Dude, I bet you wished you even HAD a
girlfriend let alone a big chested, perky assed man.
HHH came out with Billy Butt (you don't say
. B.C.) (no no, not THAT
kind of coming out.. C.S.) and challenges Rock to an 'I Quit' match for this RAW show.
He tells Rock, 'Be a man..' Meanwhile he's got Billy Butt standing so close to him, he was
practically wedged into his ass and probably saw what HHH had for lunch.
Meanwhile Goldie had to pass the time while HHH yabbered on by walking around the ring
about 50 times. He should have jogged, or grabbed some signage and ran around the ring
with that. I don't think there's been a Goldust sign in ages however. I guess he would
have to tear off letters from various signs to make his very own 'ransom' signage. Perhaps
it could say, 'victim of Lickus the Rope-us. Donations please.'
Finally the match is on. Goldust marvels us with his cross body block that SO missed
Billy Butt, causing him to fly right through the ropes and outside the ring. Then Blue
Meanie comes out as Bluedust. Billy looked at him like he dated him once. 'Damn, dark
' Bluedust takes Head and runs off. Who won that match? I don't even recall.
|Mankind has entered the arena with a big bandage
under his mask.
Oddities are in the ring but the Rock comes out and shoos them away and
they all leave looking dejected. Rock is wearing a shirt with Grecian patterns on it (and
a lion too) that resembles curtains purchased in a Fingerhut (or as we call it, Fingered
Slut.. OH!) catalog.
|Rock says, 'You talk about
. MSG..' Monosodium glutamate? At this point, Bostin is so involved with her
Valentine Heart Candies. You know, the ones with the little scribblings on them such as 'I
love you', 'Kiss Me'. She had one that said, 'Hug Me' but thought it said, 'Mug Me'. OKAY!
Anything for a friend.
Mankind beats up on the Brinks truck guards and takes the money.
He enters the top of the ramp, and we hear his new entrance theme. FNS thinks it's an Ugly
Kid Joe song. Mankind starts to throw the Rock's money into the audience.
Mankind says (about his I Quit match at the Rumble), 'I felt like I was damn near
electrocuted.' Did it feel anything like getting kicked in the back? Oh, I sense another
of my life stories. I was trying to put a plug into an outlet, but I didn't seem to
realize that I had my fingers on the prong. So everytime it connected, I got myself a nice
little shock which felt like someone kicked me in the back. Of course I turned around and
saw no one there. So I tried the plug again. KLONK, again it felt like someone kicked me.
Thank goodness I wised up because I'm sure I would still be there to this day, trying
to put that plug in the socket, with my hair frizzle-fried and smoking, looking behind me
to see who kicked me. Momma never really taught me what I needed to know which was: how to
put a plug in a socket and how to fake an orgasm. Now I have learned on my own.
By the way, of course we all knew that the Mankind's 'I QUIT' exclamation at the Rumble
was pre-recorded. See how sharp I am. See what 130 volts of electricity did for me?
(Uuhhh... I think house current is usually 110 or 220 - oh, never mind... B.C.) (Hey,
I never said I was fully recovered... C.S.)
So there shall be a re-match at Halftime Heat.
Actually it said 'Know your ROLE
Rock' but the word 'ROLE' was in small type. I don't have my very own Rock to know but
perhaps one day I'll pick up some granite
study it a bit.
Dennis Knight comes out to speak to Lawler and Cole. Dude, Dennis, you've got some
nasty stretch marks creeping from your back towards your arm. And your sleeve tattoo is
mighty .. uh
crowded. We see flowers, daggers, a confederate flag, dragons
see my mother
Droz walks toward the ring with the mic. He taps it, 'is this thing on??' Droz vs.
George the Animal Steele. Droz tells the Oddities to leave the ring. First the Rock tells
them to leave, now you. They are so unloved. Go in the ring, go out of the ring, dance
with me, don't dance with me. (Carol Ann, go into the light, don't go into the
This is a mighty quick match and Droz wins yet he still persists in beating on George.
I dont know but I think Droz has some deeper, more serious issues. You guys better
check to see if he's hiding a dead body in his locker room or something. Y'all know how
BIG situations make you blow up over the minor things. But I wouldn't know anything about
Backstage, Boss Man and Kenny are preparing
for their match against Jarrett and Owen. They're going to drink salt peter in order to
stunt their sexual desire for .. Debra McMichael? Or for each other?? Heh.
|Well, Kenny does have a mighty crotch and Boss Man
could probably offer you a year's supply of food. By the way, FNS reports that salt peter
is potassium nitrate and is something that was given to make willies go limp (given to
prisoners and as Lawler reported, soldiers). See, this report is not only SILLY but
occassionally educational. So far you have all learned what salt peter is and how to NOT
put your fingers on the prongs of a plug while inserting in outlet.
|Kenny drinks the salt peter but
you tryin' ta kill me..'
Backstage Debra McMichael is being
interviewed as Mark Henry joins in. Debra displays her expertise at intelligible
conversation and says, 'ooooOOOOWWWWooooh..' So Mark has sexual chocolate to offer her and
she replies, 'Well, I have a really big sweet tooth.' It would have been funny if she
pulled out that ONE BIG tooth to show Henry. Just don't get involved in a Hell in the Cell
match with that BIG TOOTH. You may accidentally have it shoved into your nose and then
Kenny and Bossy vs. Jarrett and Owen with Baby Jane in tow. Hell, Debra wears so much
make-up, she DOES look like Joan Crawford. Debra tries to entice Bossy but he shoved her
away. With Debra's McDonald's arch-like eyebrows, Bossy was probably thinking of a Big
Mac. Debra McMichael no more, it's now Debra McDonalds.
During this match, the Blue Blazer runs in, who is obviously a black man. The Black and
Blue Blazer. This enabled Jarrett and Owen to win the tag team title belts. As they're
being interviewed, Owen says, 'I'm not the Blue Blazer..' Hey Owen, WHO CARES!!! The Blue
Blazer thing is DEAD now, it's OVER
move on!! Enough is enough. (Get
on with your life... B.C.)
|Shane, Patterson and Brisco are in the ring and
call Kane in. After Kane's 10 minute entrance, Shane expects a public apology from the big
red guy. Kane takes that little cancer kazoo and says, 'I apologize'. That one came out
good. As Shane wanted him to say it again and again, the little voice thingy wasn't
working too well anymore. I guess Glenn still hasn't gotten the hang of it. I wonder if he
practices using that thing at home. '(monotone) Pass the potatoes.'
|By the way, the newsbreaking story of
Kane's wet spots is still unfolding. So far, the past few weeks, his wet spots have been
forming letters. We have 'W', 'V' or 'I' or 'Y', and now 'V' again. WVV. WIV. WYV. (WV?
Ya think he wants us to meet him in West Virginia??
B.C.) Perhaps Kane isn't a
very good speller.
X-Pac runs into the ring and asks him, 'How much more crap are you
gonna take, Kane?' Kane stood there like, 'mm.. until they write it into the script, I
guess.' X-Pac then challenges Shane to wrestle but Kane grabs little X-Pac by the hair and
chokeslams him. Ah well, we couldn't really see Kane as a DX member anyways. Imagine him
doing the crotch chop? Or using the cancer kazoo to say things like, 'suck it..' or 'I got
five words for ya.. Leave me alone, Mad Phat.'
Shane then gives X-Pac the face raping bronco move, which Shane seemed to enjoy quite a
bit. Lawler states '
(Shane) rides X-Pac like a fuckin' bronco..' (He said BUCKIN'
Clip of Terri Runnels asking D'Lo to buy tampons for her. Mm.. let's not forget that
her character had a miscarriage not too long ago and
Val's entrance footage starts with, 'Heeeelloooo ladies..' Heeeelloooooo gruesome. Val
Venis shows his new film which is titled 'Sister Act' or 'Savings Ryan's Privates'. Venis
enters the PUBLIC showers to find Kenny Shamrock's sister in one of the stalls. It would
have been better if he slid into the shower with someone like .. Goldust. He wouldn't know
the difference, he's a hornball.
Val vs. Testes. MAN, no way can Venis match up to the Corporate Testes in the BASKET
department. He makes Venis' penis practically shrink. Testes entered the ring with his
arms held up high, probably wanted to scream, 'I'M HUUUUUGE!!' You sure are. I think
Testes should have played the 'porn star' character. That would have been more believable.
By the way, Testes' shirt said, 'Bad Bones'. Well, drink some milk dude. (Yeah,
you don't wanna get osteoporosis... B.C.)
|During this match, Kenny runs in to interfere,
gives Val the chair and then Billy runs out. I'm sure he wanted to check out the Testing
Area. Get it?? Heh? Forget it..
Testes and Kenny leave and Billy is in the ring with his
back to the dazed Val who is picking himself off the mat. Val and Billy touch butts and
they whirl around to face each other. Now Venis' hair looked like this:
|which should have caused Billy to howl
in shock or die laughing. Instead Venis just beats up on Billy BEFORE he can get a good
look at the wispiness that is his moptop.
Al Snow and Road Dogg await Gangrel and Edge
with fire extinguishers. As the Broad Members (well, that phrase mostly applies to
Gangrel) emerge from the ring of fire, Al and Dogg spray them.. and the hardcore match is
on. This match gets taken backstage and of course, a dumpster, cookie sheets, silverware,
etc are used. Al brandishes the pole again, does a little Bruce Lee 'whooooooooo' and
almost uses it on Gangrel like a pig on a spit.
They pass by this box that's marked, 'DRAPES'. I think it's the Rock's shirts in there.
|Man, they even destroyed the deli tray (they had
spaghetti). Dogg is placed on the table and Gangrel takes a cannonball dive onto him and
since the table didn't break on impact, Dogg received the full weight of Gangrel's bubble
butt. Geez, you could damn well near kill someone doing that. The weight of your butt
alone has GOT to be a ton.
The most hilarious part was when Al and Edge took their fight
into the ladies' room. Al emerges out of there with a new toilet seat necklace. Ah, what
these wrestlers do to entertain us.
|Finally, the match gets taken to a
table full of equipment, a styrofoam food container and .. what looks like three pods
(body snatchers?). All four wrestlers land on and break this table, probably releasing the
bodies in the pods, making them all aliens. So by next week, when Al, Dogg, Gangrel or
Edge enter the arena, they'll open their mouths and this high pitched alien squeal will
come out of their mouths.
Bluedust interferes and Dogg and Al win. So far, the majority
of the Hardcore matches have been very entertaining. I'm sure there will be more since Al
challenged Dogg to a match for the belt. But they are interrupted by the Acolytes and
Knight, who attack them with steel barrels. Mr. Simmons (I mean Farooq) knows how to drop
the barrel so that it looks convincing without hurting Al but I can't say the same for
Bradshaw. I think he killed Road Dogg, who was slumped against the fence.
Undertaker on his throne. (Hi Abe
.He looks like Lincoln.. B.C.) Well since
the Undertaker had shaved off his mustache and left the chinchilla-like goatee on his
chin, there's been quite a bit of talk about his 'new look'. I'm sure many people have
yelled at their tv sets, 'Give me back my lucky charms!' This segment already cut into
commercial and I have no idea if Undertaker even started saying, 'Four score and seven
HHH accompanied by Chyna vs The Rock. Rock does his mid-match commentary again, 'come
on HHH, you rudy-poo
' Enough with the rudy poo, Rocky poo. As this match gets taken
into the audience, we catch sight of someone who adheres to all rules of being fashionably
inept. He wears a fanny pack, with Joey Buttafucco pants, has a mullet, and the BIGGEST
goatee. Thankfully we didn't see his footwear which I'm sure are Berkenstocks with hairy
toes wiggling. Oh.. and don't forget the toe jam.
At one point, Cole says, 'HHH is Ho Chi Minh??' Whatchoo talkin' about Cole?? HHH
certainly doesn't look Vietnamese. (uh
. Cole said, 'HHH is CLOSING IN
Just when HHH was going to pedigree the Rock onto the announcer's table, the Corporate
Team comes out and Kane threatens to chokeslam Chyna, forcing HHH to say, 'I quit.' As
Chyna lays on the mat worrying about the damage to her reconstructed face, HHH says a few
words to the Corporation. But lo and surprise, Chyna gives HHH a surprise crotching, then
mushes HHH's face with her palm. Just by the way Chyna was standing behind HHH, I knew
this was going to happen
but still, the betrayed look on HHH's face was quite
convincing. Good acting there. I almost felt sorry for ya. Almost. Okay.. I felt sorry for
Chokee wishing my computer would stop freezing up.