By Chokee Slam
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January 25, 1999

Phoenix, AZ

This Raw starts off with broad screen pictorials of the Royal Rumble PPV. Hey, uh.. you guys really shouldn't show Austin in WIDE screen. He broadened out like a pancake.

MULTITUDES of signage:


Is that pronounced Jee-zus or Hey-Zeus?? For instance, is 'JOSE' pronounced 'Joe's' or 'Hoe-Zay'.

Shane is standing in the ring and introduces his pops.

More signs:


Like Pop Rocks? Well, feisty X-Pac does tend to pop around the ring like the explosive little candies. But at least you don't have to wet him to get him going. He runs on pure DX adrenaline.



Yes, we've got ass for ya. Concave ones, tabletop asses, hairy ass, singing asses, snappin' ass, pimply ass, asses that reverberate over the toilet bowl….



Of course, homophobes don't seem to be in arms reach of a dictionary.

WOW, Vinnie finally made it to the ring, only to take the mic and with as much phlegm as he can muster, growls out, 'I came, I saw, I kicked Stone Cold's yass..' Yes, yass. We heard it and what is heard is.. what we hear. We hear all the things we hear.

Meanwhile, as the Corp Team is in camera view, we get a glimpse in the background of an audience member holding up a big Steve Austin cardboard cut-out. Of course this brings in a barrage of scenarios that this person was involved in while carting it to the arena. Did he have to purchase an extra seat for Cutout Austin? Does Cutout Austin hold his place in the concession line while he takes a tinkle? And the most beneficial thing is when he places an order for some hot dogs and a couple of cold ones, he can tell the concession person, '2 beers… and Stevie is paying.'

Meanwhile, CutOut Austin is just dancing about on the audience's heads while Vinnie continues to babble on. CutOut Austin leans over to the side, probably to get a better view of the contents in the ring.

Now finally, the storyline. Since Vinnie won the Royal Rumble, he becomes the challenger for the Rock's title at Wrestlemania. BUT Vince has signed papers to remove himself from that spot and will name someone else as the opponent.

Cole says, 'Is Vince yellow??' No, actually he's rather tanned and on occasion his neck and nose is red and about to shed.

Austin pops up on the Titantron. No, the real Austin, not a cut-out, though at some moments he was rather stiff and didn't blink. He's drinking beer and in the background we see the shelf of liquor. 2 bottles of Absolut, 2 tanguerays, Bailey's, some fine rum and I believe Austin drank it ALL already. His eyes were half closed and he couldn't stop snickering throughout this segment. raw031.jpg (17304 bytes)
Austin says, 'I'm going to Wrestlemania to face the chaimpion..' Raelly??

Shawn Michaels then pops in to join Stevie. Turns out they're at SHAWN's liquor bar in his home in San Antonio. Shawn, you should know better than to invite Steve over to your place with all that liquor! Next your rubbing alcohol and mouthwash and your nail polish remover will disappear.. OH.. sorry.

So it's time for Shawn to do the speaking, as Austin stares drunkedly at the floor, thinking, 'Ai'm drunk.' Austin then looks to Shawn, seemingly with affection in his eyes, wanting to say, 'I love this man.' And Shawn is STILL speaking so Stevie starts playing with his goatee.  (With his own, or with Shawn's???  ... B.C)  Eventually Stevie would be scraping out eye cookies, picking his nose or extracting belly button lint. raw032.jpg (22648 bytes)
We had to rewind to hear what Shawn was saying since we were so distracted by Stevie. Since Vinnie has stepped down from the title bout, the runner-up (which is Austin of course) becomes the contender. Then BOTH of them start scratching their goatee. Meanwhile, Shawn's eyebrows is just a centimeter away from becoming the dreaded uni-brow, the 'one continuous eyebrow'. 1 long caterpillar.

Stevie then suggests a cage match for the Valentine's Day Massacre PPV between him and Vinnie. The corporate team then huddled in the ring to converse. They probably weren't even saying anything audible. It was probably equivalent to, 'hummeda hummeda hummeda.. 7, 21, 28…' (then Kenny screams, '99!!').

Strange signage:


Okay.. and the pearl is in the river… (The rooster crows at midnight.  It's a cold day for pontooning... B.C.)

The Brinks truck enters the arena, which contains Vinnie's gift of $100,000 for the Rock, who eliminated Austin at Royal Rumble.

Goldust enters the ring with a slight change in make-up. He's got the black drawn in like Japanese Ivy and it's creeping up from his chin to his cheeks and into his mouth. I think he needs to see a doctor and get rid of it. It may be a case of 'lickus the rope-us'. Now we know how Goldust used to lick the ring rope before fully entering the ring and now we see the results. Now he's got some acrylic cancer growing up his face. raw033.jpg (14741 bytes)
Goldie vs. Billy Butt (in hot pink tights).

Multiple Person Signage:


Mr. 'T' (heh) was holding his sign rather limply so their sign just spelled out what looked like a horrible spelling for the Japanese alcoholic beverage.

Another sign:


Dude, I bet you wished you even HAD a girlfriend let alone a big chested, perky assed man.

HHH came out with Billy Butt (you don't say…. B.C.) (no no, not THAT kind of coming out.. C.S.) and challenges Rock to an 'I Quit' match for this RAW show. He tells Rock, 'Be a man..' Meanwhile he's got Billy Butt standing so close to him, he was practically wedged into his ass and probably saw what HHH had for lunch.

Meanwhile Goldie had to pass the time while HHH yabbered on by walking around the ring about 50 times. He should have jogged, or grabbed some signage and ran around the ring with that. I don't think there's been a Goldust sign in ages however. I guess he would have to tear off letters from various signs to make his very own 'ransom' signage. Perhaps it could say, 'victim of Lickus the Rope-us. Donations please.'

Finally the match is on. Goldust marvels us with his cross body block that SO missed Billy Butt, causing him to fly right through the ropes and outside the ring. Then Blue Meanie comes out as Bluedust. Billy looked at him like he dated him once. 'Damn, dark bars…' Bluedust takes Head and runs off. Who won that match? I don't even recall.

Mankind has entered the arena with a big bandage under his mask.

Oddities are in the ring but the Rock comes out and shoos them away and they all leave looking dejected. Rock is wearing a shirt with Grecian patterns on it (and a lion too) that resembles curtains purchased in a Fingerhut (or as we call it, Fingered Slut.. OH!) catalog.

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Rock says, 'You talk about titles…. MSG..' Monosodium glutamate? At this point, Bostin is so involved with her Valentine Heart Candies. You know, the ones with the little scribblings on them such as 'I love you', 'Kiss Me'. She had one that said, 'Hug Me' but thought it said, 'Mug Me'. OKAY! Anything for a friend.

Mankind beats up on the Brinks truck guards and takes the money. He enters the top of the ramp, and we hear his new entrance theme. FNS thinks it's an Ugly Kid Joe song. Mankind starts to throw the Rock's money into the audience.

Mankind says (about his I Quit match at the Rumble), 'I felt like I was damn near electrocuted.' Did it feel anything like getting kicked in the back? Oh, I sense another of my life stories. I was trying to put a plug into an outlet, but I didn't seem to realize that I had my fingers on the prong. So everytime it connected, I got myself a nice little shock which felt like someone kicked me in the back. Of course I turned around and saw no one there. So I tried the plug again. KLONK, again it felt like someone kicked me.

Thank goodness I wised up because I'm sure I would still be there to this day, trying to put that plug in the socket, with my hair frizzle-fried and smoking, looking behind me to see who kicked me. Momma never really taught me what I needed to know which was: how to put a plug in a socket and how to fake an orgasm. Now I have learned on my own.

By the way, of course we all knew that the Mankind's 'I QUIT' exclamation at the Rumble was pre-recorded. See how sharp I am. See what 130 volts of electricity did for me?   (Uuhhh... I think house current is usually 110 or 220 - oh, never mind... B.C.) (Hey, I never said I was fully recovered... C.S.)

So there shall be a re-match at Halftime Heat.



Actually it said 'Know your ROLE Rock' but the word 'ROLE' was in small type. I don't have my very own Rock to know but perhaps one day I'll pick up some granite… study it a bit.

Dennis Knight comes out to speak to Lawler and Cole. Dude, Dennis, you've got some nasty stretch marks creeping from your back towards your arm. And your sleeve tattoo is mighty .. uh… crowded. We see flowers, daggers, a confederate flag, dragons… (I see my mother….B.C)

Droz walks toward the ring with the mic. He taps it, 'is this thing on??' Droz vs. George the Animal Steele. Droz tells the Oddities to leave the ring. First the Rock tells them to leave, now you. They are so unloved. Go in the ring, go out of the ring, dance with me, don't dance with me.  (Carol Ann, go into the light, don't go into the light... B.C.)

This is a mighty quick match and Droz wins yet he still persists in beating on George. I don’t know but I think Droz has some deeper, more serious issues. You guys better check to see if he's hiding a dead body in his locker room or something. Y'all know how BIG situations make you blow up over the minor things. But I wouldn't know anything about that.

Backstage, Boss Man and Kenny are preparing for their match against Jarrett and Owen. They're going to drink salt peter in order to stunt their sexual desire for .. Debra McMichael? Or for each other?? Heh.

Well, Kenny does have a mighty crotch and Boss Man could probably offer you a year's supply of food. By the way, FNS reports that salt peter is potassium nitrate and is something that was given to make willies go limp (given to prisoners and as Lawler reported, soldiers). See, this report is not only SILLY but occassionally educational. So far you have all learned what salt peter is and how to NOT put your fingers on the prongs of a plug while inserting in outlet. raw035.jpg (16089 bytes)
Kenny drinks the salt peter but squeaks, 'whuh… you tryin' ta kill me..'

Backstage Debra McMichael is being interviewed as Mark Henry joins in. Debra displays her expertise at intelligible conversation and says, 'ooooOOOOWWWWooooh..' So Mark has sexual chocolate to offer her and she replies, 'Well, I have a really big sweet tooth.' It would have been funny if she pulled out that ONE BIG tooth to show Henry. Just don't get involved in a Hell in the Cell match with that BIG TOOTH. You may accidentally have it shoved into your nose and then you'd suffocate.

Kenny and Bossy vs. Jarrett and Owen with Baby Jane in tow. Hell, Debra wears so much make-up, she DOES look like Joan Crawford. Debra tries to entice Bossy but he shoved her away. With Debra's McDonald's arch-like eyebrows, Bossy was probably thinking of a Big Mac. Debra McMichael no more, it's now Debra McDonalds.

During this match, the Blue Blazer runs in, who is obviously a black man. The Black and Blue Blazer. This enabled Jarrett and Owen to win the tag team title belts. As they're being interviewed, Owen says, 'I'm not the Blue Blazer..' Hey Owen, WHO CARES!!! The Blue Blazer thing is DEAD now, it's OVER… move on!!  Enough is enough.   (Get on with your life... B.C.)

Shane, Patterson and Brisco are in the ring and call Kane in. After Kane's 10 minute entrance, Shane expects a public apology from the big red guy. Kane takes that little cancer kazoo and says, 'I apologize'. That one came out good. As Shane wanted him to say it again and again, the little voice thingy wasn't working too well anymore. I guess Glenn still hasn't gotten the hang of it. I wonder if he practices using that thing at home. '(monotone) Pass the potatoes.' raw036.jpg (22653 bytes)
By the way, the newsbreaking story of Kane's wet spots is still unfolding. So far, the past few weeks, his wet spots have been forming letters. We have 'W', 'V' or 'I' or 'Y', and now 'V' again. WVV. WIV. WYV. (WV? Ya think he wants us to meet him in West Virginia??…B.C.) Perhaps Kane isn't a very good speller.

X-Pac runs into the ring and asks him, 'How much more crap are you gonna take, Kane?' Kane stood there like, 'mm.. until they write it into the script, I guess.' X-Pac then challenges Shane to wrestle but Kane grabs little X-Pac by the hair and chokeslams him. Ah well, we couldn't really see Kane as a DX member anyways. Imagine him doing the crotch chop? Or using the cancer kazoo to say things like, 'suck it..' or 'I got five words for ya.. Leave me alone, Mad Phat.'

Shane then gives X-Pac the face raping bronco move, which Shane seemed to enjoy quite a bit. Lawler states '…(Shane) rides X-Pac like a fuckin' bronco..' (He said BUCKIN' Bronco.. B.C.)


Clip of Terri Runnels asking D'Lo to buy tampons for her. Mm.. let's not forget that her character had a miscarriage not too long ago and … ah… forget it.

Val's entrance footage starts with, 'Heeeelloooo ladies..' Heeeelloooooo gruesome. Val Venis shows his new film which is titled 'Sister Act' or 'Savings Ryan's Privates'. Venis enters the PUBLIC showers to find Kenny Shamrock's sister in one of the stalls. It would have been better if he slid into the shower with someone like .. Goldust. He wouldn't know the difference, he's a hornball.

Val vs. Testes. MAN, no way can Venis match up to the Corporate Testes in the BASKET department. He makes Venis' penis practically shrink. Testes entered the ring with his arms held up high, probably wanted to scream, 'I'M HUUUUUGE!!' You sure are. I think Testes should have played the 'porn star' character. That would have been more believable.

By the way, Testes' shirt said, 'Bad Bones'. Well, drink some milk dude.  (Yeah, you don't wanna get osteoporosis... B.C.)

During this match, Kenny runs in to interfere, gives Val the chair and then Billy runs out. I'm sure he wanted to check out the Testing Area. Get it?? Heh? Forget it..

Testes and Kenny leave and Billy is in the ring with his back to the dazed Val who is picking himself off the mat. Val and Billy touch butts and they whirl around to face each other. Now Venis' hair looked like this:

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which should have caused Billy to howl in shock or die laughing. Instead Venis just beats up on Billy BEFORE he can get a good look at the wispiness that is his moptop.

Al Snow and Road Dogg await Gangrel and Edge with fire extinguishers. As the Broad Members (well, that phrase mostly applies to Gangrel) emerge from the ring of fire, Al and Dogg spray them.. and the hardcore match is on. This match gets taken backstage and of course, a dumpster, cookie sheets, silverware, etc are used. Al brandishes the pole again, does a little Bruce Lee 'whooooooooo' and almost uses it on Gangrel like a pig on a spit.

They pass by this box that's marked, 'DRAPES'. I think it's the Rock's shirts in there.

Man, they even destroyed the deli tray (they had spaghetti). Dogg is placed on the table and Gangrel takes a cannonball dive onto him and since the table didn't break on impact, Dogg received the full weight of Gangrel's bubble butt. Geez, you could damn well near kill someone doing that. The weight of your butt alone has GOT to be a ton.

The most hilarious part was when Al and Edge took their fight into the ladies' room. Al emerges out of there with a new toilet seat necklace. Ah, what these wrestlers do to entertain us.

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Finally, the match gets taken to a table full of equipment, a styrofoam food container and .. what looks like three pods (body snatchers?). All four wrestlers land on and break this table, probably releasing the bodies in the pods, making them all aliens. So by next week, when Al, Dogg, Gangrel or Edge enter the arena, they'll open their mouths and this high pitched alien squeal will come out of their mouths.

Bluedust interferes and Dogg and Al win. So far, the majority of the Hardcore matches have been very entertaining. I'm sure there will be more since Al challenged Dogg to a match for the belt. But they are interrupted by the Acolytes and Knight, who attack them with steel barrels. Mr. Simmons (I mean Farooq) knows how to drop the barrel so that it looks convincing without hurting Al but I can't say the same for Bradshaw. I think he killed Road Dogg, who was slumped against the fence.

Undertaker on his throne. (Hi Abe….He looks like Lincoln.. B.C.) Well since the Undertaker had shaved off his mustache and left the chinchilla-like goatee on his chin, there's been quite a bit of talk about his 'new look'. I'm sure many people have yelled at their tv sets, 'Give me back my lucky charms!' This segment already cut into commercial and I have no idea if Undertaker even started saying, 'Four score and seven years ago…'

HHH accompanied by Chyna vs The Rock. Rock does his mid-match commentary again, 'come on HHH, you rudy-poo…' Enough with the rudy poo, Rocky poo. As this match gets taken into the audience, we catch sight of someone who adheres to all rules of being fashionably inept. He wears a fanny pack, with Joey Buttafucco pants, has a mullet, and the BIGGEST goatee. Thankfully we didn't see his footwear which I'm sure are Berkenstocks with hairy toes wiggling. Oh.. and don't forget the toe jam.

At one point, Cole says, 'HHH is Ho Chi Minh??' Whatchoo talkin' about Cole?? HHH certainly doesn't look Vietnamese. (uh…. Cole said, 'HHH is CLOSING IN…. B.C.) Oh… never mind.

Just when HHH was going to pedigree the Rock onto the announcer's table, the Corporate Team comes out and Kane threatens to chokeslam Chyna, forcing HHH to say, 'I quit.' As Chyna lays on the mat worrying about the damage to her reconstructed face, HHH says a few words to the Corporation. But lo and surprise, Chyna gives HHH a surprise crotching, then mushes HHH's face with her palm. Just by the way Chyna was standing behind HHH, I knew this was going to happen … but still, the betrayed look on HHH's face was quite convincing. Good acting there. I almost felt sorry for ya. Almost. Okay.. I felt sorry for ya.

Chokee wishing my computer would stop freezing up.

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