By Chokee Slam
|February 1, 1999
I am just about to
send this computer to its demise as it seems to perpetually freeze up on me. It HAS to
make life miserable for me before I send it to the pit of despaaaaaaaair and the junk
pile. Actually, I'm just going to bequeeth it to my cousin or sell the damn thing. But
death be upon it..
DEATH DEATH DEATH!
. I'm alright.
My momma liked perming her hair. This
interest spread to having the need to perm me and my sister's hair as well. Now, naturally
straight hair cannot withstand perming agents, we're talking exploding Chia Head, or even
Val Venis head. So the devastating result was the family portrait of three Little Orphan
Annie Hairstyles which came in three sizes: large (momma), medium (my older sister) and
small (me). Asides from the fact that the chemicals must have seeped into my pores and
caused this condition within me called Sarcasticus on Overdrivus, just the emotional
trauma suffered has caused a deep mental scar. Please send me donations to find the cure.
Call 1-888-BIG PERM.
Multiple person sign:
It's supposed to be 'ROCK' but these
fellas were trying to be artsy fartsy and had to draw their 'R' in a special way. I think
these Rock fans were subliminally supporting their other favorite wrestler, the Big Bock
Man. Beware his pecker.
Another sign: a strange illustrated Undertaker sign which is a bit difficult to
describe. The tip of Undertaker's head looked like the sharp end of a stake, then he had
two black chopsticks protruding out of the upper sides of his head. To make it worse,
there was an arch in the background which looked more like the curve of an ass. So our
interpretation of this masterful artpiece is
the Undertaker's pointed head has come
out of an ass with chopsticks on the sides.
Shane, Testes, Kenny and Big Bock Man is coming into the ring. Shane says he doesn't
fear X-Pac so he tells his fellow Corps to go back to the locker rooms. Kenny obviously
doesn't think it's a good idea as he starts muttering (and we're very good with lip
reading), 'whuhwhuhwhuhwhuhwhuhwhuhwhuhwhuh..' He must have whuh'd for 5 minutes.
Eventually they give in and left Shane alone in the ring. What a set-up huh?? Shane tells
us that Vinnie is in Texas looking for Austin.
Another odd sign:
It's either a bullseye or a rather uninspiring bland
boob (which is also a description for Debra McMichael.. OH!).
Shane has the cage (for the HHH vs. Kane match) descend from above but he doesn't see
X-Pac sitting on top of it (I guess he didn't get the memo). So Shane keeps talking, 'If
you (X-Pac) ever get in my face again, I'll break you in half like dust!" Uuuuh.. how
do you break dust?? (Isn't that something old women do??
. B.C.) OH!
X-Pac jumps into the ring and Shane asks, 'You wanna go with me??' HEY, a date! How
about bowling and Denny's. Come on, they've face raped each other already, where can the
relationship go from there? It's pretty much children, goldfish, mortgage payments and
fritatas from there on.
Chyna runs in to confront X-Pac. With her boobs in between her and X, they stood about
10 feet away from each other. Well eventually both Shane and Chyna beat on X-Pac and we
catch sight of a pretty funny sign.
You guys are so immature. I'm surprised this sign didn't get confiscated. Well, I guess
it's not ENTIRELY a censorable word. It's not the dreaded *fish* word. Otherwise, we can
just call it the 'hey-nanny-nanny' or the 'hoo hoo'.
Vinnie is on his search for Austin. Patterson and
Brisco sport cowboy outfits that would make the Village People bash them.
|Kenny Shamrock is walking bow-legged down the aisle
to join Lawler and Cole for commentary. But we ask, is it necessary to wear constricting
panties and gloves to do so? Then you should have worn some mittens too. Then they
should've given him a lawn chair to sit on. That would make him think twice about his
attire when he's just doing commentary.
|Billy Gunn enters the top of the ramp
showing his ass. What would be a wonderful surprise is if he started walking down the ramp
backwards and just darn well fell backwards, then rolled down the ramp and towards the
ring. He'd hop up from the floor, brush off all the spitballs he collected on the way
down, then get ready for his match which is against Val Venis. After Venis did the
infamous Mad Phat termed 'booger flicking finger motions' (which we should make a song out
of.. 'BoogersBoogersBoogers'), Venis chimes in with his 'hellooooooo ladies.' Well,
OH WE KNOW
THE HELL UP
WE ECHO THOSE WISHES!! We really
don't need a fat ass, cigarette smoking, simian head, boo-boo-of-God individual in the
WWF. Well, at least not ANOTHER one.
The Venis/ Butt match commences. Why is Kenny speaking so much now? We here at Mad Phat
do hold ourselves responsible for his previous loss of speech (which lasted for over a
month) which probably caused this sudden need to babble. I guess he was holding all of
that in. However, all Kenny could talk about was his 'sister'. This is how the commentary
went: 'She's my sister you know, did I tell you, she's my sister, by the way, she's my
sister. You know, I told her, my sister, when she was very young, I told her that she is
going to be my sister, the sister that is mine. And then after I told her she was my
sister, I promised MY SISTER I wouldn't lay a hand on HER (He was referring to Venis or
Billy. Kenny flubbed).'
To continue: 'MY SISTER.. MY SISTER.. no guys she brought home were good enough for
her, my sister, (because I don't even know who she is!!)
.. (long pause)
By the way, there will be no Raw shown on February 8. Instead we're getting some poodle
show. (Hey, isn't Venis one of the entries??
Kenny is tired of watching these two girlie men fight so he peels his almost bare-ass
off the seat, grabs a chair. Since it took awhile for Kenny to get in the ring, Venis had
to waste some time by gyrating a little longer than the human will could withstand. At
this point, I foamed at the mouth and fell backwards. I awaken to find that Venis thought
it was Billy who hit him.
Mankind is on a spending spree with the Rock's money he took last week. Mankind rents a
midget wrestler, Max Mini, for 3 days and pays $487. Mankind tickles Mini in the stomach
(kinda degrading, isn't that??) and carries him off. I'm sure Mini was thinking, 'Esta
loco..' But hell, I would trade places with Mini.
Debra McMichael interview. The camera films her at an angle where we were clearly able
to see one big boob, which was her head. Heh. She was whining about something. We heard,
'this body means bidnit.' Bidnit must mean silicone and butter. Why is it that ALL WWF
women have these naggy, whiny voices?? Mark Henry comes out to seduce Debra. Yo Henry,
haven't you had enough problems with drag queens already? OH! Jarrett and Owen run out to
beat Henry. See, more drag queen problems. OH! Who said that?
|Mankind is backstage, giving Kurgen some advice
about stocks and bonds. But Kurgen doesn't have money so Mankind is happy to give him
some. Kurgen exclaims, 'JEEPERS, thanks!'
|D'Lo with PMS. He must get them
menstrual cramps reeeeal hard. Try Midol. Terri Runnels wants to get revenge against Boss
Man for calling her a bitch earlier in the show so we have a match-up. Boss vs. Terri
Runnels. Don't we wish. Okay, it's D'lo vs. Boss. Boss Man comes out, looking like, 'Hey,
I'm gonna get to touch more ASS!! Come over here, D'Lo!!'
Of course, PMS interferes and causes D'lo to lose the match. The camera closes in on
Bock Man and we see some white stuff on his bottom lip. I think it's white chocolate. (Or
bacon fat.... B.C) Boss Man actually HAS lost a lot of weight since he was last seen
in the WWF. We just never let a silly joke die, that's all. Is that so wrong?? So Bock Man
proceeds to peck (okay, beat up) on D'lo which prompts Henry to run in for the save.
|Blue Meanie enters and gets hit by Goldust from
behind which causes Blue to roll down and almost off the side of the ramp. Cole reports
'Goldust is upset that Blue Meanie stole Goldust's head
' Hey I don't know what's up
with Gold but, he's still got his head.
|Backstage, the WWF doctor is helping
D'Lo with his PMS. He's the WWF's traveling OB-Gyn, ya know. No no no. Apparantly, doc
says that 'Terri Rennels' is not going to have a 'bebee' and that she was not 'pregnant'.
Say all those words with the accent on the last syllable since the doc is French, ya know.
'By ze way, I'm Fraunch
wee wee poo poo..'
Kurgen vs Droz. It's the battle of the
BIG FEET! It's like Battleship! At least Kurgen is a HUGE man so HUGE feet is expected
but.. Droz, there is no excuse for him and I'm not just talking about his feet. Oh, Droz
wins. (Oh, did you notice that when they stood 'toe to toe', they were about 5
feet apart??? ... B.C.)
Vinnie, Crisco and Patterson are in a Texas restaurant bitching and moaning about the
lousy food there so the waitresses dumps it onto Crisco. Patterson's reaction, 'For crine
oulloud..' Does anyone remember that Twilight Zone episode where people started speaking
in a foreign language that was unfamiliar to the one person in the show who was freaking
out? I guess that's what conversation with Patterson would be like.
Undertaker's segment. New member Mabel has changed his name to Viscera, which
(remember, these reports can be educational as well) means: 1. the organs in the cavities
of the body, especially those in the abdominal cavity. 2. The intestines.
Intestines, huh? He's like chitterlings. (Or he's like a huge gall bladder -- now
I'm really glad I don't have one anymore... B.C.)
PIG is now called Mideon. Technically he should probably be called Middling which means
pork or bacon between the hand and shoulder. Hey, he WAS named PIG previously. Who's he
trying to kid. We get a close-up of Middling.
'That's not a good look for him,' says I.
'His tat?' asks Bostin.
'No, his face.'
HEY, why doesn't Bradshaw and Farooq get name changes?? Farooq should be called Mr.
Middling and Chitterlings wrestle against all three members of the Brood. As they all
battle in the ring, we see shots of UT with the hood covering his eyes. If the audience
weren't screaming so loud, I'm sure they'd all hear him snoring away like Big Bird.
Wow.. take a look at Edge's legs. Someone give him a Ho-Ho, STAT! Actually, I bet Edge
is so thin because Gangrel has taken ALL the food for himself. Edge should request
Chitterlings to simmer himself in water and create some savory stew.
Acolytes eventually run in and everything becomes a mess. Gangrel pulls down Bradshaw's
tights for a few seconds. At this point, EVERYONE should have cleared out of the ring AND
the arena from that mooning.
|Shot of Undertaker looking quite Amish.. 'English..
A white noose is placed around Gangrel's neck. UT puts the palm of his hand
on Gangrel's fat head and we figure he would say, 'JEEESUS, you are HEEEALED!! Yer coconut
head is no MORE!!' Obviously, it didn't work. So since there was no saving Gangrel, they
|Now this was entirely unnecessary but the camera
zooms in on Gangrel's snot blowing in and out of his nostrils. Does someone wanna come in
with a vacuum or something, suck that out of his nose please?? I said PLEEEASE! Hell, just
suck up his entire head. BLECH. The lights go out and this is when I realize that Gangrel
looks horrible even in the dark.
|I guess the only thing that would make
him look better is complete inebriation. Still if I had to wake up to that in the morning,
I'd take my slipper and slap him silly... Sorry Luna.
Mankind goes to Debra and gives
her a sweater because he doesn't want her to 'get a chest cold and in your case, that
could be fatal.' Heh.
Mankind comes out to the ring. During Halftime Heat, Mankind won the WWF belt back in
one of the most hilarious matches against the Rock. Also it was the premier airing of the
WWF Superbowl commercial where we see Kane sipping some coffee (I think they should have
given him a straw). It was the one of the best in the history of commercials.
Mankind and Rock engaged in as much as they possibly could, taking their match from the
empty arena, to the kitchen (where Rock threw Socko in the pizza oven), into the cafeteria
(what a waste of rice pilaf, cocktail sauce, popcorn [Rock screams, 'too much salt!']),
and into the back offices (where Rock answers the phone with his predictable catch phrases
as a greeting).
|The grand finale was when Mankind uses a forklift
to lower some keggers onto a supine Rock. This is where we see the Forklift-cam's
perspective and the Rock's horror-movie-like expression is priceless. Definitely one of
the best matches which brought many new fans to the WWF, I'm sure.
|Now Rock wants to challenge Mankind to
a 'Last Man Standing' Match. So is it like a shoving match? You just have to make your
opponent sit down? That seems pretty easy. Give him a chair.
The Rock's voice kept
cracking throughout this segment. It was very reminiscent of Peter Brady's 'coming of
age'.. as he tried to sing, 'when it's time to [crack] chaaange.. then it's time to
Road Doggie Dog enters the ring. He's FINALLY changed his speech! He's FINALLY given
in. It's a big step for ya Doggie. We're so proud of you. Al Snow is his tag team partner
and the camera zooms into the Snowy Area (ooh.. corny). MY, it's a protuberant. Myself,
Bostin AND FNS screamed! We are SO impressed! His wife must be a happily, happily married
Al and Dogg vs. the Acolytes. Bradshaw throws Al into the ten ton steel steps (hey,
they're reported as weighing 300 somewhat pounds.. I can exaggerate too) and Al sits down.
I guess if he was in a 'Last Man Standing' match, he would have lost.
OH YOU DIDN'T
OH, you didn't know your
contractions. (Too bad, that would have been a funny sign, otherwise... B.C.)
Mr. Farooq Simmons and Al take the fight outside the arena, where a table has been
appropiately set up for someone to be thrown into it. Thanks Crew People. Some fans are
out there and I swear, someone caw'd. There's been a smuggling of exotic birds to the WWF.
Al throws a garbage can over Mr. Simmons who, I think, should have entered back into the
ring with that thing still over his upper body, bumping into the railings, and into the
ref. Five hundred pound Viscera (hell, I think his HEAD alone is 500 pounds)
interferes and throws Al into a table.
Farooq makes it back into the ring to help his peep. They both throw Dogg into a table
and win the match. Middling comes in to engage in an unholy position with Dogg but due to
the camera angle, we are unable to tell for sure. May have just been a kiss.
3 druids enter the ring. The hoods are taken off to reveal the Brood who is now part of
the 'ministry'. You can join this group via ritualistic hummings and $20 a month and YOU
get your own black hooded robe, your boogers extracted PLUS an optional hair-cut (looked
like Gangrel got one; talk about melon head). I'm sure Edge got some Ho-Ho's because he
Dogg and Al argue, asking each other, 'Where the
hell were you???' Dogg screams, 'Whut do yew mean where the hell was AH!' He's southern,
Al says, 'Kiss my ass! In fact, don't even look at my ass!!' WHOO, did I miss some
element of that relationship or what?? And why can't he look at your ass. You've got them
in tight fitting spandex that does some sensational things to Bostin.. (He said he was
'going to look for his Head'
. B.C.) It's right on his shoulders where
it's always been
. I know I know.. I shut up. But I have a report to finish.
|Vinnie FINALLY found Austin in a bar wearing the
camouflage outfit he always wears on his days off. He should try for something different
like chaps without underwear. You'll feel cool (and I do mean cool), yet daring. But
Austin sat there.. and scratched his armpit. Hope it's not like scratch and sniff. WOOF.
|Vinnie is trying to get Austin to hit
him because .. gee.. why? I guess it has to do with Austin getting arrested and so no cage
match at the Massacre PPV? But Stevie says, 'I will not hit you tonight..'
SEUSS!! Here, we'll finish it for you, Stevie.
'I will not hit you tonight
I will not hit you with this kite
I will not hit you in the bar
I will not hit you with a car
I will not hit you here or there
I will not hit you anywhere..'
(I will not hit you in a house
I will not hit you with a mouse... B.C.)
Anyways, Austin leaves Vinnie and Stooges to the mass of Texans that they insulted
throughout their day while searching for Stevie. It was a mullet nightmare.
HHH vs Kane in a cage match. While HHH was doing his 'uuuUUUUHH are you ready to
' speech, I thought I saw a drop of liquid in his nostril. This was definitely
Booger Night. See, it SEEMED like HHH aspirated water from his mouth but in actuality, it
was from his NOSTRILS!
Again, don't rely on my sources.
By the way, HHH does really SUCK at his speech. I think it'd be more interesting if he
revved it to a full high pitched banshee wail. Basically,
OH.. another chapter in the Kane wet spot chronicle. It was yet ANOTHER 'V' shape on
his butt. This theory is not working out of course. He's basically spelling 'W V V V'. If
you say that, it just tickles the bottom of your lip.
Now Cole has stopped saying 'tremendous' and now uses, 'dismantling'. Like 'Kane is
dismantling HHH.' What, is he a wall unit?? It was also battle of the hairstyles. Kane's
hair was exceptionally poofy and at one brief point, HHH had a nice beehive. My granny had
a beehive and she made the big mistake of sleeping on one side of it and became the
laughing stock of the family. Think of it, crooked beehives and big perms. I'm surprised
we didn't just tip over when the wind blew.
One point, Kane landed with legs between the ropes which gave him a tingly sensation,
I'm sure. Eventually X-Pac runs in to give some encouragement and to just BUTT into the
match. As Kane was about to exit the cage, X-Pac slams the door on his head. I think this
is where Kane juiced. (Tomato juice... B.C.)
Chyna runs in but is unable to stop HHH from getting the win. Poor Kane's hair and his
exposed arm is drenched with blood. Poor thing. We'll make it all better. I sew pretty
well. We'll just stick your head under the sewing machine.. no time flat
This is Chokee and I don't really have a sewing machine.. I lied which is something I