By Chokee Slam
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Taping: February 8, 1999

Skydome, Ontario Canada

It had been a long while since the WWF was in Canada so the Skydome was packed and EVERY single human being brought a sign along. As the camera scans over the masses of people in the arena, my only thought was, ‘God this Earth is SO overpopulated.’ We had a mad phattie who brought a Mad Phat sign to the event but I think all the other signs completely consumed his, beat it down to a pulp and ate it with fava beans.

It was a fun show nevertheless. Austin enters, wearing his gay-bar vest with the letters ‘BMF’ on it. Since the letter B, M, and F wasn’t separated with periods, we have no choice but to pronounce it as is. Bmf.

Someone throws a can of beer into the ring. This seemed to be a constant problem throughout the night as papers, cups, and straws were thrown in. I was waiting for someone to throw their grandmother in the ring as well.

Austin starts talking and we just scan the signs:

'PUDGY 3:16'



I guess that jellyroll around Austin’s waist has been noticed by more than just us at Mad Phat.

Mick Foley enters, takes the mic and says, ‘I am the WWF champion until I am not.’ That was genuinely profound. A ‘to be or not to be’ profoundness. A ‘I fart therefore I have gas’ logic. That’s a thought of the day.

Rock enters with the Corporate team behind him and again we are assaulted with his endless barrage of catch phrases. Rock’s real name is Dwayne Johnson. Yo Dwayne, HEY HEY HEY (ala Dwayne from What’s Happening). And isn’t Johnson another name for Penis??

By the way, rumor has it that Rock has been wearing so much clothes in the ring because he had some surgery on his breasts (or nipples). Mad Phat prides ourselves on noticing his hanging, flabby nipples months ago. If this rumor is true, we’d like to say that having the fat sucked out of nipples is a rather narcissistic thing to do. But hey, if you possess saggy nipples at a young age, you can be sure that by the time you’re antiquated, your knees would be knocking them around.

McMahon starts talking but Austin finds it more exciting to stare at his watch. Damn Rolex. Actually it was probably a hunting watch. It had a compass, a retractable blade, some toothpicks, dental floss, laser light pointers, wires for easy strangulation and a picture of Minnie Mouse on it. That’s a damn fine watch. raw048.jpg (17832 bytes)
Vinnie states that at the cage match between him and Austin at the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, he doesn’t want any of the corporate members interfering otherwise he will FIRE every single one of them. Kenny must have been thinking, ‘Hey, new development in storyline.. I didn’t get the memo..’ Kane was a little uneasy thinking, ‘FIRE??!! Don’t say that word, it’s kind of a testy subject for me.. ‘ Test thought he heard his name mentioned and just said, ‘Huh?? Did you call me?’

The Corp. Team theme music plays and Vinnie stands there, shoulders slumped, legs shoulder-width apart and I think he was trying to dance but it looked more like palpitating or twitching. Vinnie really shouldn’t dance.

Backstage we get a shot of Debra’s wrinkly hand running along her leathery leg. Meanwhile Mark Henry is watching this on a telly elsewhere in the arena. He probably thought it was a program about leather crafting.

D’Lo enters the ring, without chest protector! That story didn’t even have a chance to live much before it died. That about sums up some people’s existence. D’Lo accompanied by Henry vs. Jarrett accompanied by Leather Legs aka Ratty Dry Wispy Hair aka Joker Face Debra. Jarrett is sporting new boy leg brief which accentuates the package that doesn’t need to be accentuated. Now it just looks like he’s got elephantiasis. He’s gonna blow up eventually and boy will he be sorry.

D’Lo tells Henry that he got him a girl. He must have picked her up at the Five & Dime at the sales rack. Speaking of rack, D’Lo introduces Ivory who I believe was a former G.L.O.W. girl named Tina Ferrari. For those who don’t know, GLOW is the acronym for Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling which was a small women’s wrestling league. It was beyond cheesy and horribly tasteless. We loved it!

Ivory sports some sensible shoes. To the WWF, sensible shoes are 4 inch broad heels, with a 2 inch platform. Outside the WWF, it’s granny shoes.

During the match, Ivory is able to distract Jarrett enabling D’Lo to get the win. Ivory smacks Debra in the face even, probably knocked her surgically implanted nose off to the right and popped a stitch in the nape of her neck, and a cat fight ensues. The men separate them and Henry proceeds to pet Ivory on the head. Yeah, Henry is real good with the ladies. raw049.jpg (18840 bytes)
Interview with Venis and Kenny’s ‘sister’ by Kevin Kelly in the ring. Cole says, ‘You don’t go out with another man’s sister!’ YES YOU CAN!! The phrase is, ‘You can’t go out with another man’s WIFE!!’ you dolt. OR, you can’t go out with your OWN sister.. but some people seem okay with doing either.



So put your damn sign down!

Before Venis can say anymore, Kenny Shamrock runs into the ring. Kenny’s ‘sister’ is outside the ring, with Kevin Kelly trying to hold her.. I mean really HOLD her. He was totally copping a feel. Pervert. Eventually the community of referees run in to restrain Kenny but they all get slammed or headbutted. Kenny forgot his medicine again.

Goldust enters ring. At the house show we attended last week, Goldie had a shorter and curlier wig. I think he’s gearing for an afro and is letting us take it slowly since going from straight hair to a big poof like that is a shock to the system. Camera man zoned in on Goldie’s crotch and just for the audience, he maneuvers. That was a shock to the system as well. raw050.jpg (15121 bytes)
Goldust vs. Gillberg. Gill does his comedic entrance, trips on the steel steps, gets sprayed with the fire extinguisher.



Who is Noobody?? Noo noo noobody, fee fie foe body..


This match gets interrupted with a film by Bluedust who is in blue body paint and has flowers covering his privates. I was pretty repulsed at this point. Thankfully, he was funny as he said, ‘You will never forget the name … ssss (cough cough hack).. Bluedust..’

Gil actually gets the win but Goldie gives him the Shattered Dream. Hell, Gil’s pasty white inner leg region was like a beacon. There was no way Goldie would have missed hitting that mark. The arena lights go out. When they’re turned back on, Goldie is doused with blue paint. It looked like he robbed a bank. raw051.jpg (20855 bytes)
You know when you rob banks (you know, for a hobby and all), you open up the money bag and this explosive goes off covering you with blue paint (so that you’re more liable to be noticed at the line-up but here’s a word of advice to perhaps help you NOT get noticed.. Stand very still..). No??

Interview with the leader of the community of referees, Hebner. He states that no one wants to ref the Kenny/ Venis match at the PPV. I don’t blame them. With the both of them not being able to keep their panties from riding up, there’s entirely too much cheek being flashed.

DX enters. At a house show we attended last week, Road Dogg took a pretty bad spill outside the ring and it seemed like he landed on his head. He had to be carried out of the ring via stretcher and head mummified. He seems to look alright and functional for this Raw taping. He’s not walking down the ramp clapping his hands together like a seal and spitting. That’s a good sign.

HHH grabs an audience member sign that says:


If you say that the way it’s spelled, you sound like your letting out your dieing breath.

HHH takes the mic again (oh why…) and says, ‘St. Valentine’s Day Massacrrrrrrrrrreeeee..’. X-Pac stares up at the bleachers, then at some guy in the audience giving him the ‘wolfpac’ hand signal. For some reason, X-Pac looked genuinely confused. Maybe the guy giving him the wolfpac signal was also lustfully licking his lips and winking to X-Pac. Hey X, if the dude has money, go for it.

X-Pac takes the mic to talk about how he slammed the cage door onto Kane’s head last week and made him bleed like a stuck PIG. He said PIG like he sneezed it out. X-Pac honey, you need to take some valium, you’re going to blow up dear and it’ll just be a mess.



With the right punctuation, this could basically be a response that someone says after someone laid a colossal fart. ‘Oh, you didn’t. NOOOOOOOO!!!’

It’s Doggie’s turn to talk and again, he can’t drop the ‘former tag team champion of the world’ speech. Dude you were able to let it go last week. What happened?? Set it free.. please. Dogg talks about his upcoming match with Al Snow and says, ‘I’m going to open a mudhole in your ass.’ That’s .. really… disgusting. It’s like you’re gonna block his asshole or something and not allow him to defecate?? I don’t get it.

Billy Butt’s turn to yak. Billy takes off his large Viscera-size sweatshirt to reveal ref garb underneath. Dogg says, ‘You gonna apply for a job at Foot Locker?’ Heh, that was funny. Billy says he will ref the Kenny/ Venis match.

Multiple Person Signage:


This shows the importance of proper spacing between yourself and the other multiple sign participants.

Austin vs. Mankind with Vinnie as special ref. Vinnie says that he’s throwing the rule book out the window and they’re allowed to use chairs, etc. Hell, they could probably even throw themselves out the window with the rule book. Mankind is nodding his head with approval, he’s very happy about it. And we’re happy that he’s happy because he’s just very cute when he’s happy. We’re happy.

We catch sight of a dark spot on Austin’s chest. Is it melanoma? He better see a doctor and get rid of it.

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Austin takes the mic and states that it’s not his or Mankind’s ass that will get kicked, it’ll be Vinnie’s which causes Vinnie to nervously twitch. Or was he dancing? Vinnie gets Socko in his mouth and the Corp. jumps in to save him of course. Kane chooses to wander outside the ring but eventually joins in and goes after Mick. They may have said, ‘So what would you like for dinner??’ ‘Steak, definitely steak..’ Then Kane gets thrown out of the ring via top rope and his last words were, ‘okayseeyalaterBYE!’

Vinnie and Corp. Team stay on the top of the ramp to talk. Testes got himself a new pair of VELVET boy leg briefs with some nice intricate decorative patterns on the pant leg which makes it a nice style … for WOMEN!! Anyways, I assume the velvet sort of ‘hides’ his EXTREME extremity but then we ask, why? Why not let it swing free, as you traipse down the ramp, letting your trunk swing side to side.

Meanwhile Boss Man is slapping himself in the chest and I was waiting for him to emit a Tarzan yell. I dunno.

Godfather vs. Viscera (who sports Manson contact lenses). Middling (Mideon) does commentary.



Much better than the stream of Sexual Vanilla signs as of late. It’s non-sequitur, it’s good. And it probably smells.

Middling interferes in the match and I guess Viscera won. I don’t even remember what happened because we were so pre-occupied with looking at Viscera’s lipstick. Just as we pointed it out, he decided to smack his lips together. He must have been wearing Renewing Lipstick, where if you smack your lips together, it revitalizes the color. It’s important to know these make-up facts.

Slam of the week. X-Pac slams the cage door onto Kaney’s head. Cole says, ‘… 2 vicious doors…’ No you retard. It’s ONE door and TWO slams! WHYYYY are you a commentator??  (I'm surprised it wasn't a TREMENDOUS door, or that X-Pac wasn't DISMANTLING Kane with the 2 vicious doors.. sheesh... B.C.)

X-Packing (he really was loaded) vs. Kane (with Chyna). Kane has a full frontal wet spot as well as the basic wet spot found in the rump region. It was in the shape of another V. I guess this about kills our theory that Kane is spelling out a message via wet spot. He’s only spelled out WVVVV.

Cole reports, ‘X-Pac goes low..’ HEY! I didn’t see anything of the sort. Chyna does interfere in the match and manages to bodyslam X-Pac. She then puts X-Pac’s little head in between her legs (WHOA!) and HHH runs in to save the day. The day wasn’t saved (at least not MY day) but X-Pac was. Actually HHH runs in and knocks both Chyna and X-Pac over, while his head was still wedged in between her legs. That could have been dangerous. X’s head could have gotten stuck in there and you’d have to get the jaws of life, a crowbar and some petroleum jelly to pull them apart. OH!

Chyna spazzes and yells at them, revealing her braces and her resemblance to Jaws (Richard Kiel from The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker). Kane restrains her, carries her to the back. raw053.jpg (13832 bytes)
Backstage, someone has killed Road Dogg. Well, okay, he’s just acting and he had ketchup on his ear/neck area. The medics assist him as they ask him questions like ‘What is your name’. Next would be ‘What is today’s date?’ (Hell, I don’t even know that when I’m conscious!). They should have also asked ‘What is 1,678 divided by the square root of 4225 less the hypotenuse of a right triangle.’ Hey, we just want to make sure he’s alright!

Doggie starts asking for Billy. The medics ask, ‘Did Billy do this to you?’ Yah perhaps Billy was going to use a little ketchup packet on his burger and it squirted out of control and into Doggie’s ear, causing an ear imbalance therefore making Doggie collapse. No?

The medics ask, ‘Who is Billy??’ Ah you guys should know. It’s his girlfriend. OH! Sorry, that was a given.

Al Snow enters the ring. The largest sign of the show is spotted. It spanned across the screen. It said:


Tsk tsk tsk.

Al grabs the mic and challenges someone to a hardcore match. But no one shows up so he wrestles himself. It’d be amazing if Al put a sleeperhold on himself. Al grabs a few things from under the ring; table, extinguisher, cookie sheet with cookies! Oatmeal?? Bostin thinks they’re M&M cookies.

Al bleeds from the forehead slightly. It must have been the cookies, perhaps they were left out too long. They do get rock hard when they’re stale.

Bobby Holly comes out. As stated before, now that he’s gotten a good haircut, we’re able to notice that he’s a good wrestler and NOW we notice that he’s got a very nice body. Nice chest, nice rump. See how hair can draw attention away from the important things such as tits and ass? (Whoooo!!! T&A!!!! ... B.C.) Holly wants to stop Al from hurting himself but they end up wrestling.

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Backstage Droz is being interviewed by Kevin Kelly. I wonder if anyone told Droz that an animal died on his head. Okay, it was a hat. OR some would say it was his head. Sorry. (It looked more like a furry lampshade…. B.C.) So due to the horrors of that raccoon hat, Droz starts beating up on Kelly (Okay, it was because Kelly said Droz looks like a punk.. Well would you rather have him saying you look like the Grand Poobah??) but Blackman runs in for the save. It would have been cool if Kelly got up and started beating on Blackman.

Blackman vs. Rock. Rock obviously doesn’t have Underoos. The Rock’s got panty lines for ya! I’d rather have the donuts.



First glance, I thought it said:


Talk about segregation. The row would have Barry Horowitz, Bill Goldberg, Adam Sandler, Authur Fonzarelli… you get the idea.

Anyways, this match ends with Rock giving Blackman the elbow. The Rock should be really ashamed of that crappy elbow. Blackman should be more ashamed for jobbing to that crappy elbow. Oh well.

Split screen. The left side we see Austin pacing. The right side, we see the WHOLE Corporate Team conversing in this really TINY room. I think they were all in the toilet stall

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Corporate Team enters. Austin is to wrestle every Corporate Member (one by one of course). Testes’ member is a member all on its own, does Austin have to wrestle that? I think Testes would have the ability to use his extremity as a lasso or to strangle Austin. He didn’t do it however. Go figure. Austin DID stomp on Testes’ package. A blind man wouldn’t even miss THAT target.

One by one, Austin holds his own. (He holds his own, huh???  Interesting... B C.)  All the Corp. members who were eliminated were outside the ring, seemingly discussing their loss to Austin. ‘So, how’d the stunner feel for you??’ .. ‘Well, I grabbed his breasts while he did it so it wasn’t all that bad, ‘ says Testes. Kenny must have stated, ‘the stunner wasn’t as good as the one I got last year but, I still felt it down to my tailbone.’

Finally Bossman uses his nightstick and Austin is defeated. Cole states that the Bossman’s nightstick is rock hard. Mm, how did YOU know??

All Corp. Members hold Austin in the corner of the ring, spreading his legs open. What the hell is going on there? That position leaves it very easy for the imagination of the horny to think about things like taking a flying leap into the air, in a cat-like pounce, and landing right on top of Stevie.

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Instead Vinnie is yelling and drooling at Austin. It looked like the drool even landed in Austin’s mouth. You know, I can take blood, guts, intestines, harsh words.. but one thing I cannot stand is someone drooling into another person’s mouth. Oh.. and Gangrel’s face.

Vinnie tries to provoke Austin to attack him before the Massacre but following in tradition of my Raw report from last week, here’s a little Dr. Seuss as Stevie’s possible response:

I will not hit you in the ring
I will not hit you with this thing
I will not hit you while you drool
I will not hit you in a school


This is Chokee Slam
I like Green Eggs and Ham
I will never listen to Wham!
They are not worth a damn.

Sorry again.

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