By Chokee Slam
|Taping: February 8, 1999
Skydome, Ontario Canada
It had been a long while since the WWF was in Canada
so the Skydome was packed and EVERY single human being brought a sign along. As the camera
scans over the masses of people in the arena, my only thought was, God this Earth is
SO overpopulated. We had a mad phattie who brought a Mad Phat sign to the event but
I think all the other signs completely consumed his, beat it down to a pulp and ate it
with fava beans.
It was a fun show nevertheless. Austin enters,
wearing his gay-bar vest with the letters BMF on it. Since the letter B, M,
and F wasnt separated with periods, we have no choice but to pronounce it as is.
Someone throws a can of beer into the ring. This
seemed to be a constant problem throughout the night as papers, cups, and straws were
thrown in. I was waiting for someone to throw their grandmother in the ring as well.
Austin starts talking and we just scan the signs:
I guess that jellyroll around
Austins waist has been noticed by more than just us at Mad Phat.
Mick Foley enters, takes the mic and says, I
am the WWF champion until I am not. That was genuinely profound. A to be or
not to be profoundness. A I fart therefore I have gas logic. Thats
a thought of the day.
Rock enters with the Corporate team behind him and
again we are assaulted with his endless barrage of catch phrases. Rocks real name is
Dwayne Johnson. Yo Dwayne, HEY HEY HEY (ala Dwayne from Whats Happening). And
isnt Johnson another name for Penis??
By the way, rumor has it that Rock has been wearing
so much clothes in the ring because he had some surgery on his breasts (or nipples). Mad
Phat prides ourselves on noticing his hanging, flabby nipples months ago. If this rumor is
true, wed like to say that having the fat sucked out of nipples is a rather
narcissistic thing to do. But hey, if you possess saggy nipples at a young age, you can be
sure that by the time youre antiquated, your knees would be knocking them around.
|McMahon starts talking but Austin finds it more
exciting to stare at his watch. Damn Rolex. Actually it was probably a hunting watch. It
had a compass, a retractable blade, some toothpicks, dental floss, laser light pointers,
wires for easy strangulation and a picture of Minnie Mouse on it. Thats a damn fine
|Vinnie states that at the cage match
between him and Austin at the St. Valentines Day Massacre, he doesnt want any
of the corporate members interfering otherwise he will FIRE every single one of them.
Kenny must have been thinking, Hey, new development in storyline.. I didnt get
the memo.. Kane was a little uneasy thinking, FIRE??!! Dont say that
word, its kind of a testy subject for me.. Test thought he heard his name
mentioned and just said, Huh?? Did you call me?
The Corp. Team theme music plays and Vinnie stands there, shoulders slumped,
legs shoulder-width apart and I think he was trying to dance but it looked more like
palpitating or twitching. Vinnie really shouldnt dance.
Backstage we get a shot of Debras wrinkly hand
running along her leathery leg. Meanwhile Mark Henry is watching this on a telly elsewhere
in the arena. He probably thought it was a program about leather crafting.
DLo enters the ring, without chest protector!
That story didnt even have a chance to live much before it died. That about sums up
some peoples existence. DLo accompanied by Henry vs. Jarrett accompanied by
Leather Legs aka Ratty Dry Wispy Hair aka Joker Face Debra. Jarrett is sporting new boy
leg brief which accentuates the package that doesnt need to be accentuated. Now it
just looks like hes got elephantiasis. Hes gonna blow up eventually and boy
will he be sorry.
DLo tells Henry that he got him a girl. He
must have picked her up at the Five & Dime at the sales rack. Speaking of rack,
DLo introduces Ivory who I believe was a former G.L.O.W. girl named Tina Ferrari.
For those who dont know, GLOW is the acronym for Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling which
was a small womens wrestling league. It was beyond cheesy and horribly tasteless. We
Ivory sports some sensible shoes. To the WWF,
sensible shoes are 4 inch broad heels, with a 2 inch platform. Outside the WWF, its
|During the match, Ivory is able to distract Jarrett
enabling DLo to get the win. Ivory smacks Debra in the face even, probably knocked
her surgically implanted nose off to the right and popped a stitch in the nape of her
neck, and a cat fight ensues. The men separate them and Henry proceeds to pet Ivory on the
head. Yeah, Henry is real good with the ladies.
|Interview with Venis and Kennys
sister by Kevin Kelly in the ring. Cole says, You dont go out with
another mans sister! YES YOU CAN!! The phrase is, You cant go out
with another mans WIFE!! you dolt. OR, you cant go out with your OWN
sister.. but some people seem okay with doing either.
So put your damn sign down!
Before Venis can say anymore, Kenny Shamrock runs
into the ring. Kennys sister is outside the ring, with Kevin Kelly
trying to hold her.. I mean really HOLD her. He was totally copping a feel. Pervert.
Eventually the community of referees run in to restrain Kenny but they all get slammed or
headbutted. Kenny forgot his medicine again.
|Goldust enters ring. At the house show we attended
last week, Goldie had a shorter and curlier wig. I think hes gearing for an afro and
is letting us take it slowly since going from straight hair to a big poof like that is a
shock to the system. Camera man zoned in on Goldies crotch and just for the
audience, he maneuvers. That was a shock to the system as well.
|Goldust vs. Gillberg. Gill does his
comedic entrance, trips on the steel steps, gets sprayed with the fire extinguisher.
Who is Noobody?? Noo noo noobody, fee fie foe body..
This match gets interrupted with a film by Bluedust
who is in blue body paint and has flowers covering his privates. I was pretty repulsed at
this point. Thankfully, he was funny as he said, You will never forget the name
ssss (cough cough hack).. Bluedust..
|Gil actually gets the win but Goldie gives him the
Shattered Dream. Hell, Gils pasty white inner leg region was like a beacon. There
was no way Goldie would have missed hitting that mark. The arena lights go out. When
theyre turned back on, Goldie is doused with blue paint. It looked like he robbed a
|You know when you rob banks (you know,
for a hobby and all), you open up the money bag and this explosive goes off covering you
with blue paint (so that youre more liable to be noticed at the line-up but
heres a word of advice to perhaps help you NOT get noticed.. Stand very still..).
Interview with the leader of the
community of referees, Hebner. He states that no one wants to ref the Kenny/ Venis match
at the PPV. I dont blame them. With the both of them not being able to keep their
panties from riding up, theres entirely too much cheek being flashed.
DX enters. At a house show we attended last week,
Road Dogg took a pretty bad spill outside the ring and it seemed like he landed on his
head. He had to be carried out of the ring via stretcher and head mummified. He seems to
look alright and functional for this Raw taping. Hes not walking down the ramp
clapping his hands together like a seal and spitting. Thats a good sign.
HHH grabs an audience member sign that says:
If you say that the way its
spelled, you sound like your letting out your dieing breath.
HHH takes the mic again (oh why
) and says,
St. Valentines Day Massacrrrrrrrrrreeeee... X-Pac stares up at the
bleachers, then at some guy in the audience giving him the wolfpac hand
signal. For some reason, X-Pac looked genuinely confused. Maybe the guy giving him the
wolfpac signal was also lustfully licking his lips and winking to X-Pac. Hey X, if the
dude has money, go for it.
X-Pac takes the mic to talk about how he slammed the
cage door onto Kanes head last week and made him bleed like a stuck PIG. He said PIG
like he sneezed it out. X-Pac honey, you need to take some valium, youre going to
blow up dear and itll just be a mess.
With the right punctuation, this could basically be
a response that someone says after someone laid a colossal fart. Oh, you
Its Doggies turn to talk and again, he
cant drop the former tag team champion of the world speech. Dude you
were able to let it go last week. What happened?? Set it free.. please. Dogg talks about
his upcoming match with Al Snow and says, Im going to open a mudhole in your
ass. Thats .. really
disgusting. Its like youre gonna block
his asshole or something and not allow him to defecate?? I dont get it.
Billy Butts turn to yak. Billy takes off his
large Viscera-size sweatshirt to reveal ref garb underneath. Dogg says, You gonna
apply for a job at Foot Locker? Heh, that was funny. Billy says he will ref the
Kenny/ Venis match.
Multiple Person Signage:
This shows the importance of proper spacing between
yourself and the other multiple sign participants.
|Austin vs. Mankind with Vinnie as special ref.
Vinnie says that hes throwing the rule book out the window and theyre allowed
to use chairs, etc. Hell, they could probably even throw themselves out the window with
the rule book. Mankind is nodding his head with approval, hes very happy about it.
And were happy that hes happy because hes just very cute when hes
happy. Were happy.
We catch sight of a
dark spot on Austins chest. Is it melanoma? He better see a doctor and get rid of
|Austin takes the mic and states that
its not his or Mankinds ass that will get kicked, itll be Vinnies
which causes Vinnie to nervously twitch. Or was he dancing? Vinnie gets Socko in his mouth
and the Corp. jumps in to save him of course. Kane chooses to wander outside the ring but
eventually joins in and goes after Mick. They may have said, So what would you like
for dinner?? Steak, definitely steak.. Then Kane gets thrown out of the
ring via top rope and his last words were, okayseeyalaterBYE!
Vinnie and Corp. Team stay on the top of the ramp to talk.
Testes got himself a new pair of VELVET boy leg briefs with some nice intricate decorative
patterns on the pant leg which makes it a nice style
for WOMEN!! Anyways, I assume
the velvet sort of hides his EXTREME extremity but then we ask, why? Why not
let it swing free, as you traipse down the ramp, letting your trunk swing side to side.
Meanwhile Boss Man is slapping himself in the chest
and I was waiting for him to emit a Tarzan yell. I dunno.
Godfather vs. Viscera (who sports Manson contact
lenses). Middling (Mideon) does commentary.
Much better than the stream of Sexual Vanilla signs
as of late. Its non-sequitur, its good. And it probably smells.
Middling interferes in the match and I guess Viscera
won. I dont even remember what happened because we were so pre-occupied with looking
at Visceras lipstick. Just as we pointed it out, he decided to smack his lips
together. He must have been wearing Renewing Lipstick, where if you smack your lips
together, it revitalizes the color. Its important to know these make-up facts.
Slam of the week. X-Pac slams the cage door onto
Kaneys head. Cole says,
2 vicious doors
No you retard.
Its ONE door and TWO slams! WHYYYY are you a commentator?? (I'm surprised
it wasn't a TREMENDOUS door, or that X-Pac wasn't DISMANTLING Kane with the 2 vicious
doors.. sheesh... B.C.)
X-Packing (he really was loaded) vs. Kane (with
Chyna). Kane has a full frontal wet spot as well as the basic wet spot found in the rump
region. It was in the shape of another V. I guess this about kills our theory that Kane is
spelling out a message via wet spot. Hes only spelled out WVVVV.
Cole reports, X-Pac goes low.. HEY! I
didnt see anything of the sort. Chyna does interfere in the match and manages to
bodyslam X-Pac. She then puts X-Pacs little head in between her legs (WHOA!) and HHH
runs in to save the day. The day wasnt saved (at least not MY day) but X-Pac was.
Actually HHH runs in and knocks both Chyna and X-Pac over, while his head was still wedged
in between her legs. That could have been dangerous. Xs head could have gotten stuck
in there and youd have to get the jaws of life, a crowbar and some petroleum jelly
to pull them apart. OH!
|Chyna spazzes and yells at them, revealing her
braces and her resemblance to Jaws (Richard Kiel from The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker).
Kane restrains her, carries her to the back.
|Backstage, someone has killed Road
Dogg. Well, okay, hes just acting and he had ketchup on his ear/neck area. The
medics assist him as they ask him questions like What is your name. Next would
be What is todays date? (Hell, I dont even know that when Im
conscious!). They should have also asked What is 1,678 divided by the square root of
4225 less the hypotenuse of a right triangle. Hey, we just want to make sure
Doggie starts asking for
Billy. The medics ask, Did Billy do this to you? Yah perhaps Billy was going
to use a little ketchup packet on his burger and it squirted out of control and into
Doggies ear, causing an ear imbalance therefore making Doggie collapse. No?
The medics ask, Who is Billy?? Ah you
guys should know. Its his girlfriend. OH! Sorry, that was a given.
Al Snow enters the ring. The largest sign of the
show is spotted. It spanned across the screen. It said:
Tsk tsk tsk.
Al grabs the mic and challenges someone to a
hardcore match. But no one shows up so he wrestles himself. Itd be amazing if Al put
a sleeperhold on himself. Al grabs a few things from under the ring; table, extinguisher,
cookie sheet with cookies! Oatmeal?? Bostin thinks theyre M&M cookies.
Al bleeds from the forehead slightly. It must have
been the cookies, perhaps they were left out too long. They do get rock hard when
Bobby Holly comes out. As stated
before, now that hes gotten a good haircut, were able to notice that hes
a good wrestler and NOW we notice that hes got a very nice body. Nice chest, nice
rump. See how hair can draw attention away from the important things such as tits and ass?
(Whoooo!!! T&A!!!! ... B.C.) Holly wants to stop Al from hurting himself but
they end up wrestling.
|Backstage Droz is being interviewed by
Kevin Kelly. I wonder if anyone told Droz that an animal died on his head. Okay, it was a
hat. OR some would say it was his head. Sorry. (It looked more like a furry
. B.C.) So due to the horrors of that raccoon hat, Droz starts beating
up on Kelly (Okay, it was because Kelly said Droz looks like a punk.. Well would you
rather have him saying you look like the Grand Poobah??) but Blackman runs in for the
save. It would have been cool if Kelly got up and started beating on Blackman.
Blackman vs. Rock. Rock obviously doesnt have Underoos.
The Rocks got panty lines for ya! Id rather have the donuts.
First glance, I thought it said:
Talk about segregation. The row would
have Barry Horowitz, Bill Goldberg, Adam Sandler, Authur Fonzarelli
you get the
|Anyways, this match ends with Rock giving Blackman
the elbow. The Rock should be really ashamed of that crappy elbow. Blackman should be more
ashamed for jobbing to that crappy elbow. Oh well.
Split screen. The left side we see Austin pacing. The right side, we see the
WHOLE Corporate Team conversing in this really TINY room. I think they were all in the
|Corporate Team enters. Austin is to
wrestle every Corporate Member (one by one of course). Testes member is a member all
on its own, does Austin have to wrestle that? I think Testes would have the ability to use
his extremity as a lasso or to strangle Austin. He didnt do it however. Go figure.
Austin DID stomp on Testes package. A blind man wouldnt even miss THAT target.
One by one, Austin holds his own. (He holds his own,
huh??? Interesting... B C.) All the Corp. members who were
eliminated were outside the ring, seemingly discussing their loss to Austin. So,
howd the stunner feel for you?? .. Well, I grabbed his breasts while he
did it so it wasnt all that bad, says Testes. Kenny must have stated,
the stunner wasnt as good as the one I got last year but, I still felt it down
to my tailbone.
|Finally Bossman uses his nightstick and Austin is
defeated. Cole states that the Bossmans nightstick is rock hard. Mm, how did YOU
All Corp. Members hold Austin in the
corner of the ring, spreading his legs open. What the hell is going on there? That
position leaves it very easy for the imagination of the horny to think about things like
taking a flying leap into the air, in a cat-like pounce, and landing right on top of
|Instead Vinnie is yelling and drooling
at Austin. It looked like the drool even landed in Austins mouth. You know, I can
take blood, guts, intestines, harsh words.. but one thing I cannot stand is someone
drooling into another persons mouth. Oh.. and Gangrels face.
Vinnie tries to provoke Austin to attack him before the
Massacre but following in tradition of my Raw report from last week, heres a little
Dr. Seuss as Stevies possible response:
I will not hit you in the ring
I will not hit you with this thing
I will not hit you while you drool
I will not hit you in a school
This is Chokee Slam
I like Green Eggs and Ham
I will never listen to Wham!
They are not worth a damn.