By Chokee Slam
|February 15, 1999 Birmingham, AL
This was Jerry Lawler's territory so the audience was in support of their
king. Anyways, I look to signs:
A longer way to run?? SO, a needle pulling threeeead.. LA, a note
to follow SOOOO, TEA, a drink with jam and breeeeead! Jam and bread, my how English. I'm
sure EVERYONE has grown up with The Sound of Music and the horrors of Julie Andrews who I
believe is the Anti-Christ.
I don't think I've ever tried it and I have eaten some pretty odd
things in my lifetime. But my mother would be considered the most experienced in eating
odd things. Once she tried to chew on those toys that sticks to the wall and slowly creeps
downward. Hey, the toy was yellow in color and she likes lemon flavored things.
As the camera scans the audience, I think I saw Joe Pesci but I'm
not positively sure. I guess he was there to amuse us, like a fucking clown (GoodFellas
was a mighty good movie).
Shawn Michaels enters the arena. Since many WWF stars have had a
change of theme music, perhaps it's time for Shawn to get something more 90's and not so
Night-Ranger-meets-Van-Halen. We know he's held on long and hard to the wrestling genre
but change is sometimes... a good thing. Shawn has ponytail hair, by the way. We reckon he
dilly-dallies backstage with his hair tied back and then lets it loose when he's being
filmed because messy hair may be considered sexy hair. Perhaps he can change his theme
from Sexy Booooy to Sexy haaaair.
Remember, proper spacing is important. What is HEIS back?? Sounds
like a condition.. like hunch back or lumpy pimply back.
Shawn introduces Austin to the arena. Hello Steve. We know you,
you're that BMF guy. We see someone in the audience holding up an inflatable Austin
punching weeble wobble doll. We imagine that this dude brought inflatable Austin to the
arena deflated and blew him in the bathroom. Yes, I know that was an obscene statement but
ease up. Life is too short to worry about innuendos and to get riled up over silly yet
intelligent people like myself.
Mankind then enters and Vinnie is soon to follow. Vinnie sports a
neckbrace (the tag was out though) and a bandage and he says he wants to bury the hatchet.
In who? Stevie, I wouldn't trust him with THAT statement.
New vocabulary word I think. It's a verb which is something in
between a spankin' and a yankin'.
Vinnie tries to set a match between Mankind and Rock. Cue the
Rock in who sports a nice blue velvet shirt. What with Rock's sweating problem, we hope he
Scotchguarded that shirt. As the audience starts chanting Rocky Sucks, Rock does that
'pause-to-sniff-the-air' move. While he's having his fresh pine dew moment, I think that
someone should hawk a loogie at him and hit him smack on the side of the neck just to snap
him out of it.
Mick says, 'These testicles are full of fortitude..' and I'm sure
they're full of other things as well. This segment is kind of a conversation based on
catch phrases. If they start getting mixed up, it would be a mess.
'Smell your Role cause I said so!'
'Oh yeah? Well I'm the toughest jabroni with testicles!'
'Have a nice sexy boy!'
'I'll meet you in Smack Bottom Line Hotel and I'm cookin'!'
Shawn plays along as he tells Rock, '.. about knowing my role, I
had roles you'll never have..' You mean that little bit part in Baywatch?? I wouldn't crow
about that. Meryl Streep you ain't. Anyways, Mankind and Rock are going to have a ladder
Vinnie tells Austin, 'You know you're going to Wrestlemania.'
Austin looked at him like, 'I am?? Cool.. bring the keggers!' Vinnie says Paul Wight, the
big Giant boo-boo of God will be the special ref. That cues Giant Forehead to walk out to
the ramp. As I said, I'm very good with lipreading and I swear Austin may have said, 'Look
at that ugly head on that big motherfucker.' I'm positively, certainly, adamently not sure
Wight is 500 pounds, they say, which is a few pounds lighter than
he was in WCW. That could only mean that he took a colossal dump in the morning.
Personally speaking, that can make me feel like I can leap tall buildings in a single
Jarrett and McMichael vs. D'lo and Ivory in a mixed tag match.
For Jarrett, it's more like a handicap match. Debra is sporting a velvet pink bra and
brief combo which really brings out the orange of her skin. Also the fact that she's got
on white platform go-go boots shows that she's not even going to break a nail, let alone
WRESTLE. Debra shows her flair in the squared circle by falling backwards off the ring
platform after Jarrett bounced on the rope. 'Hyuk.. Jaeff, I faell! OH! I have to
wrassle!' Damn girl can't even stay on her feet. Go home and rub some saddle soap on your
Ivory and Debra eventually end up in a catfight. Yo Ivory, stop
making Debra look as if she can wrestle. Debra eventually hits Ivory with the paper guitar
and my, that.. sure... hurt. We eventually get a closer look at Debra's boney little arms.
Damn, I can pick my teeth with those arms.
Backstage, the Corporation are celebrating the induction of their
new member: Testes' new left nut! (Oh man, he's got 3 now?? That's the last thing we
need... B.C.) No, sorry, it's obviously Big Giant Fathead. They all shake his hand or
hug him. But Kane stands in the background probably thinking, 'I'm not shaking that
oversized freak's hand. If I wanted to see a head that big, I'd go to Mount Rushmore.'
What happened. You guys couldn't afford any more markers??
And probably the funniest sign of the evening:
In the wake of a gastrointestinal rumble, it IS important to find
a way to keep your sign up in case the camera spots it. How crafty, how witty.
|X-Pac and HHH enter the ring. Then Chyna, Kane and Shane come
out to set up their match. Chyna is covering her mouth, seemingly smiling, but I think she
felt her bottom lip detaching so she had to put it back in place. Meanwhile, X-Pac looked
lost again as he was eyeballing Shane.
|Camera closes in on X-Pac's area and (thank you
camera-man but this was for naught because) it seemed that X left his 'pac' backstage.
|Mankind is prepping for his match by trying to climb
a ladder in this hole in the ground. Bomb shelter? Street vault?? Leading to a
crawlspace?? I don't know about those Alabamians. Mankind's limping however and having
difficulty. Poor thing.
Bad Ass Billy Butt is in the ring.
As of late, we've been a little mesmerized by Butt's belly button. It's pierced but it
always looks like it's stuffed with perhaps putty. (Or an olive... B.C.)
|Perhaps he's just making sure no lint or new life forms take
shelter in his belly button. Butt vs Venis with Kenny's SISTER, Ryan, in tow. Venis takes
the mic and looked like he was about to wail... 'and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always
looooove yooooooooUUU...' (in his hoarse, scraggly voice of course)..
|Venis has a new move now in which he sticks his hand in his
crotch area, takes it out and then hits Billy with that hand. Even Lawler can hardly find
the words to describe it, 'What in the world?' I can find the perfect words, 'THAT'S
DISGUSTING!' I think Billy should have countered that move by sticking his hand into his
BUTT, then taking it out to use against his opponent. Basically, a stink-palm technique.
|Either way, it'd be the same as taking your boogers
out and cramming it into your opponent's mouth. Or enduring a Rock match in which he's
spitting like a sprinkler.
BA accidentally knocks Ryan off
the ring and obviously feels guilty enough that he loses the match. This leaves Ryan with
a gammy ankle though which means they'd have to drag her to the back and shoot her, I
guess. She's gimped. Venis however, is done with Ryan and tells her to vamoose. She stands
there, staring blankly, and probably decided, 'okay fine, I'll find my fake brother and
play with him. I can even find a fake SISTER or father to hang out with.'
Backstage, the Ministry is walking in the hallways. This is where
they all should have had stone tablets and as they're walking, they would hit themselves
on the head with it ala Monty Python's The Holy Grail. Edge has his sunglasses on and
probably couldn't see a thing since he seemed to be feeling the walls to get around.
Nevertheless, he's grinning madly. Maybe because Bradshaw is in front of him and he's
grabbing his ass.
Butt is consoling Ryan backstage and just when he was going to
say the most profound statement, 'Bluuuuuh..' Kenny attacks. What a mess when a Kenny
attacks. (That's gonna be a special on Fox next week, right?? When Kennies Attack! ...
Some girl in the audience screamed at the peak of her lungs as
the Undertaker's theme starts playing. She must have stubbed her toe. Then there's so much
smoke from the dry ice that I imagine UT coming through it waving his robe sleeve
maniacally as he tries to clear a path for himself.
Meanwhile the girl in the audience is STILL screaming. She must
be driving nails under her own fingernails. Or flashing a photo of Gangrel's head to
|UT makes it to ringside, stands on the steel steps, mystifyingly
turns the lights on.. his expression is of utmost seriousness, he's got important issues
to deal with, and he has people to frighten.... and over his right shoulder........ we see
the inflatable Austin doll pop up and is happily bouncing around. That really ruined the
morose and morbid moment. It was too funny.
|Bearer begins to address Vinnie Mac but thanks to
the cameraman who was panning over the Ministry members, I didn't hear anything that
Bearer was saying. I DID notice a forlorn Bradshaw seemingly thinking, 'uh-oh, I forgot to
dye my mustache.... but at least I've got big titties..' Gangrel has sunglasses on, mouth
wide open, doing a Stevie Wonder impression. He looked exactly like him, except that he's
blond and white. (And has fangs, you can't forget the fangs... and the tongue
|We hear some dude in the audience bark out, 'SHUT UP ... YOU FREAK!!'
Simmons' expression was like, 'Hey, how dare you speak that way about my friend... wait..
wait a moment, he IS a freak.. why the hell am I here.. and why do I have Led Zeppelin's
Zoso symbols on my chest?? And what does it mean??'
|Gangrel stops his Stevie Wonder impression and opts to take a
lick of Edge. Okay, okay, it was just the camera angle that made it LOOK that way.
Undertaker begins talking about how they could have taken Boss Man out at
the Massacre but instead let him go. He says, 'We can take you out anytime we desire...'
But just not at that precise specific moment, we've got a BarMitvah to attend. I'm sure he
had many things to do like searching for his pot of gold.
|Besides, taking Boss Man out would be a pretty
expensive deal since he probably eats enough for 50 people. UT continues, 'I hold the key
to your heart and your soul.' We reckon he'll go to the locksmith right away and make
copies of it, hand it out to as many people as he can. Hey, I wouldn't mind having a set.
It's good to have an extra place to stay even if his heart and soul is a little dingy,
full of cobwebs, clogged arteries and bacon grease.
he will eventually own the WWF. I suppose he's got stock in the corporation and it would
definitely pay off in the long run but uh.. unless you have an executed contract between
yourself and Vinnie, I wouldn't hold my breath. Then again, you're the Dead Man and you
don't really HAVE breath to hold.. ok, I stop.
Bossman comes out to challenge. Then 3 minutes after Bossy left,
UT says, 'You should be careful what you wish for.' A little too late there, UT. Just may
as well have said, 'HEEEEY! And another thing.... oh forget it..'
Kane and Shane with Chyna vs. HHH and X-Pac. That girl in the
audience is STILL screaming. Maybe she had a hang nail and it was just getting too hard to
|Poor Kaney gets a rip in his snazzy outfit, along the cut-off
arm section. Or his bra was showing. Remember, he must sport at least Double D cups. You
know, now I understand why men get all googly over tits and ass. Of course that is not the
ONLY thing I look for. I look for a nice expressionless mask. Which is equivalent to a
female's blank stare. Just kidding.
|The chick in the audience is STILL screaming. Maybe
she's pulling out her nose hairs one by one.
|Shane wins this match and the European belt. Chyna ends up
carrying him over her shoulder to take him to the back. 'Come on, load.' Meanwhile Shane's
got a clear view of Chyna's butt. 'Hey, derriere! What is that, a blimple? Hey girl,
Clearasil is one of our sponsors, you can at least use it!' Meanwhile, Kaney still wants
another go at HHH (they weren't finished playing) but Chyna takes a full grab of his hair
to hold him back. Then Kane grabs for Shane's head of hair while Chyna still has a grasp
of his. I think they should have walked backstage that way. It'd be like a really
masochistic conga line.
|Corp. celebrates backstage. Shane pours champagne
over Kane's head which Kane obviously didn't like. I don't blame him, he spends all that
time conditioning and putting mud treatments on it just to have the little twerp pour
bubbly over it?? Uh UH! Chyna controls the situation though. I see a relationship building
up between the two which I think is kinda sweet. Chyna can be a Kane wrangler and she
would be his very first girlfriend. I do see them having dinner together. She would order
flambe' and Kane would totally FREAK out like Frankenstein does with fire, then she would
caress his head and tell him everything is alright and to drink his Coca Cola. She would
undo the straw wrapping and stick the straw right into the mouth slit of the mask. It
would be such a beautiful relationship.
Bob Holly vs.
Blackman. Why bother? And who's Blackman? Alright, I'm not going to do that joke again. (I
really liked that joke, though... B.C.) Anyways this match served its purpose in that
I could see Holly's pumped body. By the looks of it, I think he's consistently working out
like 56 hours a day. Heh.
|This hardcore match gets taken backstage and Blackman shows that
he's a lethal weapon.. to the poor unsuspecting refrigerator that happened to be in the
way. There was also Dan Severn backstage! Okay, actually it was a GIGANTIC washing
machine. Sorry. Dan's contract was actually terminated and now we see him in some
low-budget commercial about protein shakes. He should probably do Whirlpool commercials.
|Droz interferes in the match and that was it. A
pretty quick hardcore match. In the least, the JOB Squad music is cool. Moshing, slamming
type of music. Bobby wins the match due to the interference and he starts running back
towards the ring. He runs.. and runs.... when did we switch to watching Chariots of Fire?
It was such a long run back to the ring, Holly should have called a limo service. Holly
then takes the mic and talks about how the WWF has given him lousy gimmicks, goofy assed
named (Sparky Plugg was a good name.. a clean name.. a good clean name. Actually I don't
think they were too far away from calling you Hair Plugg Holly so.. think about that!) and
weak tag team partners. This signals his former tag partner, Bart Gunn, out.
|Bart challenges Holly to a match and as he's holding the mic,
he's got his little pinky erect. My, aren't we dainty. If that's how he drinks his beer in
a bar, I feel sorry for his backside.
|Sable is walking backstage wearing the cat suit with
the big gaping hole showing reconstructed cleavage. Did she walk in off the street like
that?? Well, they are in Alabama. OH! Just joking. She makes her way to the ring to brag
about all the offers she's received to appear on television, blah blah blah. They're
trying to make her a heel but you know what, even when she was a face, there wasn't much
to like about her so there is no diff. The stalker fan runs into the ring and Sable calls
her a nut and says she can never be like her. Of course she can.. some blond extensions,
ten pounds of make-up, silicone.. there ya go! Another mannequin with no character.
|Boss Man, Testes and Shamrock vs. Acolytes and PIG. I mean
Middling. I mean Mideon. Mideon needs to work out a bit but until then, he's just PIG. The
'Ministry' look doesn't work for him. Mideon wears a shirt with a HUGE eye on it. Maybe
his opponent can just poke a finger into that eye.. think that would work?? UT enters to
show that they've kidnapped Shane. Viscera holds Shane as if he's making out with him. So
that's what the Ministry is about, huh? I guess Viscera wanted to test out his renewing
|UT undoes the velcro on his robe and pulls out an
envelope for Shane to give to his daddy.
Rock vs. Mankind
in a ladder match.
More like, We Will Eyeball You. Don't eyeball me. It makes me
nervous and psychotic. Eventually I start losing control and then my head blows up like
that scene in Scanners. And it's just way too much trouble to pick up the pieces and get
everything back together again.. not to mention costly.
Actually the guy sitting next to you should have been holding
this sign. What is up with the human race and its denial to use contractions?? Is it sooo
Rock is still fully clothed these days and he keeps his 12 foot
pant drawstring hanging out. Perhaps Mankind could pull on it and his pants could fall
down like stage curtains. Then he'll forever be remembered as The Cock. Or the Rump.
Sorry that was highly tasteless.
Mankind is walking backstage. I reckon all the dressing rooms
were really far away from the ring.. they should have brought along those golf carts.
Austin is doing commentary.
Mankind was able to drop the elbow onto Rock in this match. Rock
grabbed his boob, 'AAAH, BUSTED NIPPLE!' Watch it Mankind, he possibly had surgery on
those nips. Nips are caramel candies, aren't they?? New marketing idea: ROCK Nips!!
Note: when the Rock has his mouth gaping wide open, a skilled
paper thrower from the audience should chuck a wad of tissue into his mouth. Bounty would
be good. Rock's got a lot of spit so it'd be better to use something that is extra
absorbent. Rock continues to spit throughout this match. I hereby make a plea to Rock.
..stop that. I suppose you can't sleep on your back because your saliva would fill up like
a reservoir and you'd drown. So obviously it's better to sleep face down and you would
just need to worry about the expenses of buying pillow cases by the truckloads.
Ugly Big Head (Wight) interferes and chokeslams Mick causing him
to lose the match.
Hopefully WWF doesn't pre-empt Raw anymore because I'm on
overdrive here writing three reports in a weekend.. COMPENSATION!! Perhaps a peek at The
Big Red Butt??