By Chokee Slam
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The fans get so excited at a live RAW taping. Hell, I completely understand. I would express the same manic, uncontrollable, savage, animalistic yet dorky expression and I'm sure someone else in this world would be slo-mo'ing and capturing my contorted expression for laughs and kicks. Laughing is a part of life. Making fun of people is another. Okay, and making fun of ourselves as well (how else could we have mastered this skill?). raw071.jpg (18414 bytes)
Vinnie Mac enters to his 'No chance in hell' theme. There's no chance in hell that he'll ever walk like he DOESN'T have a roll of quarters up his butt.


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Paul White. Though 'Wight' isn't the commonly used spelling, don't you guys have access to the internet? Oh, what am I saying. The internet is plagued with horrible spellers (except Mad Phat of course). Let's try some other alternatives for the spelling of his name. Wite.. Whyte.. Whight.. and the ever popular Wharryight (but remember the Harry is silent).


ROOOOxanne. Aw girl, you don't have to put on the red light. Those days are over.. and I can't remember the other lyrics. I can sing the lyrics for select Journey songs. How about a Duran Duran song. An oldie called Wild Boys. Here we go: 'WILD.. urgh.. BOYS... buuuuurp...' I was drunk throughout the 80's. This is all I remember. (Weren't we all drunk throughout the 80s?? ...B.C.)  (Were you there?? ...C.S.) As for the 90's, there's always Pantera lyrics, 'Revlon... this some conspiracy??' (Yes, I know it's not 'Revlon'). Now we're reaching the millenium so there's Marilyn Manson, 'the beautiful peepo, the beautiful peepo..'

Vinnie calls on Big Blubber Head Wight to the ring. A huge species. I'm very surprised he didn't just fall through the ramp. He's pretty tall though so I'm sure his big head would still be sticking out of the ramp. Wight is called 'Big Nasty'. You ain't kidding. The name is missing just one word however, he should be dubbed Big Nasty Head. He gets in the ring and starts waving to the audience like he's a prom queen on a float.. or the Pope. He places his big, fat fingers, which look like mutant sausages, in front of his face and this makes us wonder, how the hell does he pick his nose. His nostrils are rather small in comparison so perhaps he hires someone to do that for him otherwise his fingers would get eternally stuck in there and he would easily suffocate.

Vinnie looks to Big Nasty Head maniacally as if he wanted to scream, 'LIIIIFE!! GIVE MY CREATION... LIIIIIIFE!!!' raw072.jpg (14501 bytes)
Mt. Rushmore Head #5 states that he 'singlehandedly put the title around Rock's waist.' I find that very hard to believe since you definitely need the other hand to buckle the belt. So that cues the Rock out to spit forth his slew of catch phrases, which included but not limited to 'Jabroni Drive', 'Know your Role boulevard'. But asides from knowing your role, you must know your address AND your phone number, in case you get lost.

Rock and Big Ugly argue about who was really responsible for bringing the title to the Corporation. Mankind steps in, suggests they wrestle and he would of course love to ref the match. Socko is even drawn with ref stripes, complete with a beard and two thick caterpillar shaped eyebrows. They look like Shawn Michaels' eyebrows. Aw Shawn, I think Socko is your illegitimate sock. Sorry. By the way, did I say, 'Hi Shawn!' (Yeah, Hi Shawn, how are things??   ...B.C.)

Rock says to Big Crooked Mouth, 'So you wanna go one on one.' No, it's more like 1 on 5. Wight is 500 pounds which equals 5 small women or 2 large yet fit wrestlers or one 7 foot wrestler with a valet or three large average men, or three very large women... you get the point. (Or 7 midget wrestlers, like Mini Mankind and Mini Giant... Heh... that doesn't work, does it?? ...B.C.) Anyways, the match is set.

We see a photo still of the upcoming match, which is Billy Gunn vs. Kenny Shamjock (actually, not much of a sham in that jock, that is all bonafide eggplant in that jock). Let's take a look at Billy's picture (okay, Kenny's isn't better but I'm working on Billy right now, okay?). This is a result of what could happen if you piss off the camera man who will take the worst shot of you. raw073.jpg (24613 bytes)
Billy should thank his maker that he didn't get photographed with his mouth gaping, the whites of his eyes showing, and pimples glowing.

Backstage, the Corporate Team argues. Kane is in the background, looking to the Rock, then quickly turning his head to look at Big Horrid, then repeat. Cute.

All 3 Brood members come out of their little ring of fire. It looks like their 'elevator' platform is bigger as they're all standing a comfortable distance apart from each other. Normally they stand so close together, they're practically hugging. Or Christian would be sitting on Edge's shoulder, who is sitting on Gangrel's shoulder. A Brood totem pole.

It's Gangrel and Edge vs. Public Enemy. First of all, it's bad enough that there are two white dorks who can't dance calling themselves Public Enemy (the innovators of rap). Now we have to endure the torture of seeing them in the WWF. Even the audience is less than uninterested. One audience member preferred to keep the blank white side of his signage in front of his face throughout the whole match. PE ends up getting a blood bath. Next.

Val Venis walks in to do commentary. Hey, he's got old geezer ankles. You know the type, thin and boney ankles emphasized by rather large feet which are normally wearing black or plaid socks in house slippers. I would have more respect for him if he wore some bunny slippers. Well.. maybe not.

It's Billy Butt vs. Kenny Shamrock. Venis comments about Ryan, says that she had a good body BEFORE he got to her. So what happened, did you feed her a lot of eggs, bacon, fried chicken, pounds of sugar, deep fried lard balls with mayonaisse dip?? Can definitely ruin a good body that way.

Eventually Venis interferes and the match becomes a three-some. OH! Then all the refs come out to break up the orgy and so does Ryan. She screams to Kenny, 'STOP IT!', which were her only lines. I wonder which word was harder to memorize, 'stop' or 'it'. I'm sure that once she said the first word, the second followed along with ease. That does happen sometimes. Sometimes.

Sable enters the ring to talk about herself and we're able to confirm what a horrible actress she is. You think you're going to make it in the film industry? Stalker fan is in the audience and her name is Tori. Sable gets her in the ring to tell her, 'You're pathetic,' and to get a life. We know that this is what Sable feels about herself, it's reverse psychology. We get an unnecessary close up of Tori and she looks like that woman who has had too much reconstructive surgery on her face. PLUS she's got some rather large man hands. She and the Nasty one should get together and make big handed babies together.

Luna walks in. Ah, a real woman wrestler. Hell, I think even Fabulous Moolah can kick Sable's ass.. even if Moolah was 150 years old, blind, arthritic, had a peg leg, a debilitating wart, in a wheelchair and accidentally moistened her Depends. Sable attacks Tori and Luna from behind with the belt and does a really horrible job at it. Can't you make it look just a little convincing??

D'Lo challenges Jarrett and Owen to a match. He tells them, 'Come down here and face me like men.' Who are you talking to?? It wouldn't be Jarrett and Owen. Oh, I see, you're talking to Debra. Jarrett, Debra and Owen enter the ring. Jarrett and Owen are holding hands. No, it's Jarrett and Debra that are holding hands and this brings forth a vision of them skipping down the ring singing, 'a tisket a tasket...'

D'lo was doing pretty well for himself but hey, it was two versus one. Owen does the kick to the head maneuver which always sounds like it connects harshly. BUT we were able to see Owen slapping himself on the thigh in order to get that sound effect. Pretty good. Of course, this type of move doesn't work for people with pasty white skin such as Duane Gil. He would leave a stinging red handprint on his thigh and that's a dead give-away.

PMS enters and causes D'Lo to lose. Poor guy can't get a break.

Backstage, Mankind is spray painting referee stripes on his shirt as he gets into 'ref' mode by screaming orders, etc. and, 'I'm the referee... DAMMIT!' Mankind, to be a ref, make sure your back is turned to any foul play going on and just be in your own world.

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Mankind enters the ring. Vinnie then comes out and says there will be no match. Then the Rock comes out. Cole says, 'well, he has that belt, he can do whatever he wants.' I don't think he can do WHATEVER he wants. He can't kill someone, he can't rape nuns, he can't stop sweating, he can't have sex with Shane .. though who knows. Heh.

Rock tells Vinnie, 'The Rock wants you to go and sit with those two jabronis. You damn sure you don't want get in betweena this..' The Rock is Italian now. He should join the FBI in ECW. Well, Rock would be a dark skinned Italian. I guess he's Sicilian.

Ah, the match. Cole screams, 'They're gonna get it on, King!' OH! This is the USA network, we won't have any of that sex stuff. Rock calls out Big Poo Head, 'Rock's gonna stick his fist in your mouth and his foot up your ass.' That would be a rather uncomfortable position. What would it be called, the sexual pretzel? First he's got to put a fist in the mouth and somehow get AROUND the Big Slug to put his foot in his ass. Way too complicated and most likely illegal. Perverts.

Nasty comes out, wearing a smock. I think it was a sail. Anyways how big must his panties be? I think 50 people can fit in there. But I don't think anyone would want to do that, at least not with a worn pair. raw075.jpg (15747 bytes)

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Send the Giant Back. Back to the Land of Ho Ho Ho.. Green Giant. Or Nasty Giant.

This match was a trick to beat on Mankind, of course. Leave him alone, you Nasty thing, you.

Steve Blackman is in the ring and he's got his light sabers! When I suggested he use them, I was joking. But surprisingly, he wins his match against Droz! Well, Droz deserves a loss if he keeps wearing his pajamas and sleep cap to wrestle.

During this match, we caught sight of Droz' infamous big blow hole (his belly button).  It looked like there was a tongue in there too. Droz is starting to get pretty flabby around the middle, which is not a good thing for that blow hole. It'll just spread and contort and eventually look like a passageway to hell. raw076.jpg (7626 bytes)
Hey, Blackman, if you ever wrestle Droz again, here's a sure fire way to win the match. Pull out his nipple ring. We think Blackman won because of his saber light show. Cole called them his 'nun chucks.' Cole.... you SUCK!! Droz ends up attacking Blackman and we see something on the mat, beside Blackman's head. It's black, large and fuzzy. I think it was Big Nasty NoseHair. raw077.jpg (15016 bytes)
Wow, I think this report is hitting its limits.. ranging from nuns, to Green Giant, to totems, to mutant nosehairs. And it's not over yet, folks!

Undertaker segment. He's yabbering on but all we notice is his eyes lowered and moving side to side, indicating that he's reading his script. On top of that, he probably wanted to have more light turned on since it must have been pretty hard to SEE the script. UT recites, 'Don't you realize there are some flames that can't be extinguished.' (Oh, he means Rupaul?? ... B.C.) (Nah, probably Jarrett and Owen)

Goldust vs. Venis. A female fan is taking a picture of Venis but she has the tip of her finger on the lense. Was that intentional? Perhaps she likes his body but not that squished up thing that's supposed to be his head. I don't blame her. raw078.jpg (11582 bytes)

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Hello Ladys. Ladys?? OH! I see, they meant to write 'Gladys' but forgot the 'G'. At that point, Venis takes the mic and says, 'Helllllooooooo .... Gladys.' Okay, he didn't say that. That's an old woman name, someone who would make pancakes for you.

Blue Meanie comes out during this match and gives an assist to Goldust by attacking Venis, the greeter of Gladys. Goldie pins Venis which looked more like they had a really really rough session of animal sex. raw079.jpg (18045 bytes)
Split screen footage: Chyna is doing push ups and the other half is X-Pac in a thin vestibule practicing his kicks. He kicks the wall and shakes the hurt from his footsie, 'ooch pinky toe, agoneee'. X-Pac really really loves wrestling. Even if he wasn't wrestling, with those high flying kicks, he looks perfect to sponsor... a douche commercial. 
See the side example, looks like he has that fresh clean feeling ready to flounce about on a beachfront with his hair cascading behind him. By the way, he's packing again. I guess he left it backstage last week. I'm happy to see it again this week, it was sorely missed. raw080.jpg (20561 bytes)
Chyna is with Shane and they're checking out his biceps. She says to him, 'is that a vein??' If it's not, Kenny's got lots to spare. They're all in his neck.

Bob Holly vs. Bart Gunn. Holly seems to have a drastic case of hat head. We figure he's hanging around backstage wearing a VERY tight cap, the ones that causes aneurysms, the ones that make your face grimace like Venis.

During the match, Holly grabs a chair and screams to the audience, 'We're gonna play musical chairs!' And then whacks it on Gunn's head. Just one whack. I think you need to play more notes. It was a little flat too. You may need some tuning on that chair. Holly gets the fire extinguisher and sprays it on Gunn, resulting in giving him a 'bearded' look. My looney tunes mind imagines Holly spraying Gunn again and when the smoke clears, Gunn will look like Santa Clause. Spray again, Gunn looks like Father Time. Spray again, a white foamy bra and panties appear.

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Eventually, watermelon is used, then a crate of bananas. We catch an awkward moment where Gunn has his foot in the busted crate. Go figure, you return to the WWF, try to be tough and cool and you end up with your foot in a crate. Things like this are just never easily forgotten, not by US!! raw081.jpg (18114 bytes)
Eventually they use FLOUR! They're gonna make banana bread?? I'm in for that. I want a slice. I want nuts in mine. Holly nuts. OH!!!!!!!!

Then some guy wearing a Japanese demon mask appears, throws Bart off the ramp and into a table, does some 'whirlwind' arm move and then walks off non chalantly back to the locker room. Was it Scorpio? Couldn't see if he had Spock ears so I can't be sure. Holly covers Bart and wins the match. He's covered with flour, and starts walking back to the ring.. to perhaps throw himself into a muffin pan to bake himself. I'll have me a chunk of that too.

Chyna vs. X-Pac. Shane and HHH are there to support their man.. and woman. Chyna fails with a bronco move on X-Pac so he begins to chase Shane around the ring. HHH pedigrees Chyna and .. X-Pac wins. Pretty short match.

Vinnie is in the ring, addressing UT and the Inferno Match. 'Tonight The Undertaker, you're going to get what you deserve..' Screwed those lines up, ya did. (Unless he just said, 'nnnnye Undertaker... B.C.)

Kane vs UT in the Inferno Match. It's been a while since UT has wrestled on RAW and due to this type of match, they were drenched. So UT is still keeping the faith of wet spottage alive. It looked like a Sherlock Holmes type smoking pipe.

Vinnie does commentating and supports Kane (of course) saying, 'Kane knows how to take care of business.' We should hope so. Make sure he takes care of it 3 times a day. Eat lots of fiber so that business will be easier to take care of.

Bearer comes out and gives Vinnie.. a hat box. What's in there?? Cowboy hat? Pirate Hat? One of Godfather's hats with the long feather on it that cats like to play with? An Austin 3:16 hat?? Ah.. turns out to be a stuffed bear. Camera takes a closer shot of it eventually and it looked gnawed in some places and the eyes were placed far apart, practically on the sides of the head. It looked like Tori Spelling. OH!!!

Oh, the match. UT looks like he's trying to peel the mask off Kane, who fights to keep it on. 'Aw come on, Undie, you know what I look like underneath the mask.. handsome, adorable, sexy and white.'

Kane jumps off the top rope to the outside of the ring and Kane's foot slipped on the rope. Must have been thinking, 'Damn Goldust, I keep telling him to stop licking these ropes. ' Kane's foot is eventually set on fire. Well hey.. a man with hot buns has got to have hot feet. Athlete's foot, dear?? Try Tenactin. It smothers that flame like nobody's business.

Undertaker takes the stuffed bear, burns it and my goodness, that thing went up in flames rapidly. A warning for children with the Tori Spelling stuffed bear... don't smoke while playing with it. Heh..

This is Chokee and my stuffed doll was named Baby Boo Boo. Listen, I never claimed to be sane.

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