By Chokee Slam
|The fans get so excited at a live RAW taping. Hell, I completely
understand. I would express the same manic, uncontrollable, savage, animalistic yet dorky
expression and I'm sure someone else in this world would be slo-mo'ing and capturing my
contorted expression for laughs and kicks. Laughing is a part of life. Making fun of
people is another. Okay, and making fun of ourselves as well (how else could we have
mastered this skill?).
|Vinnie Mac enters to his 'No chance in hell' theme.
There's no chance in hell that he'll ever walk like he DOESN'T have a roll of quarters up
Paul White. Though 'Wight' isn't the commonly used spelling,
don't you guys have access to the internet? Oh, what am I saying. The internet is plagued
with horrible spellers (except Mad Phat of course). Let's try some other alternatives for
the spelling of his name. Wite.. Whyte.. Whight.. and the ever popular Wharryight (but
remember the Harry is silent).
ROOOOxanne. Aw girl, you don't have to put on the red light.
Those days are over.. and I can't remember the other lyrics. I can sing the lyrics for
select Journey songs. How about a Duran Duran song. An oldie called Wild Boys. Here we go:
'WILD.. urgh.. BOYS... buuuuurp...' I was drunk throughout the 80's. This is all I
remember. (Weren't we all drunk throughout the 80s?? ...B.C.) (Were you
there?? ...C.S.) As for the 90's, there's always Pantera lyrics, 'Revlon... Revlon...is
this some conspiracy??' (Yes, I know it's not 'Revlon'). Now we're reaching the millenium
so there's Marilyn Manson, 'the beautiful peepo, the beautiful peepo..'
Vinnie calls on Big Blubber Head Wight to the ring. A huge
species. I'm very surprised he didn't just fall through the ramp. He's pretty tall though
so I'm sure his big head would still be sticking out of the ramp. Wight is called 'Big
Nasty'. You ain't kidding. The name is missing just one word however, he should be dubbed
Big Nasty Head. He gets in the ring and starts waving to the audience
like he's a prom queen on a float.. or the Pope. He places his big, fat fingers, which
look like mutant sausages, in front of his face and this makes us wonder, how the hell
does he pick his nose. His nostrils are rather small in comparison so perhaps he hires
someone to do that for him otherwise his fingers would get eternally stuck in there and he
would easily suffocate.
|Vinnie looks to Big Nasty Head maniacally as if he wanted to
scream, 'LIIIIFE!! GIVE MY CREATION... LIIIIIIFE!!!'
|Mt. Rushmore Head #5 states that he 'singlehandedly
put the title around Rock's waist.' I find that very hard to believe since you definitely
need the other hand to buckle the belt. So that cues the Rock out to spit forth his slew
of catch phrases, which included but not limited to 'Jabroni Drive', 'Know your Role
boulevard'. But asides from knowing your role, you must know your address AND your phone
number, in case you get lost.
Rock and Big Ugly argue
about who was really responsible for bringing the title to the Corporation. Mankind steps
in, suggests they wrestle and he would of course love to ref the match. Socko is even
drawn with ref stripes, complete with a beard and two thick caterpillar shaped eyebrows.
They look like Shawn Michaels' eyebrows. Aw Shawn, I think Socko is your illegitimate
sock. Sorry. By the way, did I say, 'Hi Shawn!' (Yeah, Hi Shawn, how are things??
Rock says to Big Crooked Mouth, 'So you wanna go one on one.' No,
it's more like 1 on 5. Wight is 500 pounds which equals 5 small women or 2 large yet fit
wrestlers or one 7 foot wrestler with a valet or three large average men, or three very
large women... you get the point. (Or 7 midget wrestlers, like Mini Mankind and Mini
Giant... Heh... that doesn't work, does it?? ...B.C.) Anyways, the match is set.
|We see a photo still of the upcoming match, which is Billy Gunn
vs. Kenny Shamjock (actually, not much of a sham in that jock, that is all bonafide
eggplant in that jock). Let's take a look at Billy's picture (okay, Kenny's isn't better
but I'm working on Billy right now, okay?). This is a result of what could happen if you
piss off the camera man who will take the worst shot of you.
|Billy should thank his maker that he didn't get
photographed with his mouth gaping, the whites of his eyes showing, and pimples glowing.
Backstage, the Corporate Team argues. Kane is in the background, looking
to the Rock, then quickly turning his head to look at Big Horrid, then repeat. Cute.
All 3 Brood members come out of their little ring of fire. It
looks like their 'elevator' platform is bigger as they're all standing a comfortable
distance apart from each other. Normally they stand so close together, they're practically
hugging. Or Christian would be sitting on Edge's shoulder, who is sitting on Gangrel's
shoulder. A Brood totem pole.
It's Gangrel and Edge vs. Public Enemy. First of all, it's bad
enough that there are two white dorks who can't dance calling themselves Public Enemy (the
innovators of rap). Now we have to endure the torture of seeing them in the WWF. Even the
audience is less than uninterested. One audience member preferred to keep the blank white
side of his signage in front of his face throughout the whole match. PE ends up getting a
blood bath. Next.
Val Venis walks in to do commentary. Hey, he's got old geezer
ankles. You know the type, thin and boney ankles emphasized by rather large feet which are
normally wearing black or plaid socks in house slippers. I would have more respect for him
if he wore some bunny slippers. Well.. maybe not.
It's Billy Butt vs. Kenny Shamrock. Venis comments about Ryan,
says that she had a good body BEFORE he got to her. So what happened, did you feed her a
lot of eggs, bacon, fried chicken, pounds of sugar, deep fried lard balls with mayonaisse
dip?? Can definitely ruin a good body that way.
Eventually Venis interferes and the match becomes a three-some.
OH! Then all the refs come out to break up the orgy and so does Ryan. She screams to
Kenny, 'STOP IT!', which were her only lines. I wonder which word was harder to memorize,
'stop' or 'it'. I'm sure that once she said the first word, the second followed along with
ease. That does happen sometimes. Sometimes.
Sable enters the ring to talk about herself and we're able to
confirm what a horrible actress she is. You think you're going to make it in the film
industry? Stalker fan is in the audience and her name is Tori. Sable gets her in the ring
to tell her, 'You're pathetic,' and to get a life. We know that this is what Sable feels
about herself, it's reverse psychology. We get an unnecessary close up of Tori and she
looks like that woman who has had too much reconstructive surgery on her face. PLUS she's
got some rather large man hands. She and the Nasty one should get together and make big
handed babies together.
Luna walks in. Ah, a real woman wrestler. Hell, I think even
Fabulous Moolah can kick Sable's ass.. even if Moolah was 150 years old, blind, arthritic,
had a peg leg, a debilitating wart, in a wheelchair and accidentally moistened her
Depends. Sable attacks Tori and Luna from behind with the belt and does a really horrible
job at it. Can't you make it look just a little convincing??
D'Lo challenges Jarrett and Owen to a match. He tells them, 'Come
down here and face me like men.' Who are you talking to?? It wouldn't be Jarrett and Owen.
Oh, I see, you're talking to Debra. Jarrett, Debra and Owen enter the ring. Jarrett and
Owen are holding hands. No, it's Jarrett and Debra that are holding hands and this brings
forth a vision of them skipping down the ring singing, 'a tisket a tasket...'
D'lo was doing pretty well for himself but hey, it was two versus
one. Owen does the kick to the head maneuver which always sounds like it connects harshly.
BUT we were able to see Owen slapping himself on the thigh in order to get that sound
effect. Pretty good. Of course, this type of move doesn't work for people with pasty white
skin such as Duane Gil. He would leave a stinging red handprint on his thigh and that's a
|PMS enters and causes D'Lo to lose. Poor guy can't get a break.
Backstage, Mankind is spray painting referee stripes on his shirt as he
gets into 'ref' mode by screaming orders, etc. and, 'I'm the referee... DAMMIT!' Mankind,
to be a ref, make sure your back is turned to any foul play going on and just be in your
|Mankind enters the ring. Vinnie then comes out and
says there will be no match. Then the Rock comes out. Cole says, 'well, he has that belt,
he can do whatever he wants.' I don't think he can do WHATEVER he wants. He can't kill
someone, he can't rape nuns, he can't stop sweating, he can't have sex with Shane ..
though who knows. Heh.
Rock tells Vinnie, 'The Rock wants
you to go and sit with those two jabronis. You damn sure you don't want get in betweena
this..' The Rock is Italian now. He should join the FBI in ECW. Well, Rock would be a dark
skinned Italian. I guess he's Sicilian.
Ah, the match. Cole screams, 'They're gonna get it on, King!' OH!
This is the USA network, we won't have any of that sex stuff. Rock calls out Big Poo Head,
'Rock's gonna stick his fist in your mouth and his foot up your ass.' That would be a
rather uncomfortable position. What would it be called, the sexual pretzel? First he's got
to put a fist in the mouth and somehow get AROUND the Big Slug to put his foot in his ass.
Way too complicated and most likely illegal. Perverts.
|Nasty comes out, wearing a smock. I think it was a sail. Anyways
how big must his panties be? I think 50 people can fit in there. But I don't think anyone
would want to do that, at least not with a worn pair.
Send the Giant Back. Back to the Land of Ho Ho Ho.. Green Giant.
Or Nasty Giant.
This match was a trick to beat on Mankind, of course. Leave him
alone, you Nasty thing, you.
Steve Blackman is in the ring and he's got his light sabers! When
I suggested he use them, I was joking. But surprisingly, he wins his match against Droz!
Well, Droz deserves a loss if he keeps wearing his pajamas and sleep cap to wrestle.
|During this match, we caught sight of Droz' infamous big blow
hole (his belly button). It looked like there was a tongue in there too. Droz is
starting to get pretty flabby around the middle, which is not a good thing for that blow
hole. It'll just spread and contort and eventually look like a passageway to hell.
|Hey, Blackman, if you ever wrestle Droz again, here's a sure
fire way to win the match. Pull out his nipple ring. We think Blackman won because of his
saber light show. Cole called them his 'nun chucks.' Cole.... you SUCK!! Droz ends up
attacking Blackman and we see something on the mat, beside Blackman's head. It's black,
large and fuzzy. I think it was Big Nasty NoseHair.
|Wow, I think this report is hitting its limits..
ranging from nuns, to Green Giant, to totems, to mutant nosehairs. And it's not over yet,
Undertaker segment. He's yabbering on but all we
notice is his eyes lowered and moving side to side, indicating that he's reading his
script. On top of that, he probably wanted to have more light turned on since it must have
been pretty hard to SEE the script. UT recites, 'Don't you realize there are some flames
that can't be extinguished.' (Oh, he means Rupaul?? ... B.C.) (Nah, probably
Jarrett and Owen)
|Goldust vs. Venis. A female fan is taking a picture of Venis but
she has the tip of her finger on the lense. Was that intentional? Perhaps she likes his
body but not that squished up thing that's supposed to be his head. I don't blame her.
Hello Ladys. Ladys?? OH! I see, they meant to write 'Gladys' but
forgot the 'G'. At that point, Venis takes the mic and says, 'Helllllooooooo .... Gladys.'
Okay, he didn't say that. That's an old woman name, someone who would make pancakes for
|Blue Meanie comes out during this match and gives an assist to
Goldust by attacking Venis, the greeter of Gladys. Goldie pins Venis which looked more
like they had a really really rough session of animal sex.
|Split screen footage: Chyna is doing push ups and
the other half is X-Pac in a thin vestibule practicing his kicks. He kicks the wall and
shakes the hurt from his footsie, 'ooch pinky toe, agoneee'. X-Pac really really loves
wrestling. Even if he wasn't wrestling, with those high flying kicks, he looks perfect to
sponsor... a douche commercial.
|See the side example, looks like he has that fresh clean feeling
ready to flounce about on a beachfront with his hair cascading behind him. By the way,
he's packing again. I guess he left it backstage last week. I'm happy to see it again this
week, it was sorely missed.
|Chyna is with Shane and they're checking out his
biceps. She says to him, 'is that a vein??' If it's not, Kenny's got lots to spare.
They're all in his neck.
Bob Holly vs. Bart Gunn. Holly
seems to have a drastic case of hat head. We figure he's hanging around backstage wearing
a VERY tight cap, the ones that causes aneurysms, the ones that make your face grimace
During the match, Holly grabs a chair and screams to the
audience, 'We're gonna play musical chairs!' And then whacks it on Gunn's head. Just one
whack. I think you need to play more notes. It was a little flat too. You may need some
tuning on that chair. Holly gets the fire extinguisher and sprays it on Gunn, resulting in
giving him a 'bearded' look. My looney tunes mind imagines Holly spraying Gunn again and
when the smoke clears, Gunn will look like Santa Clause. Spray again, Gunn looks like
Father Time. Spray again, a white foamy bra and panties appear.
|Eventually, watermelon is used, then a crate of bananas. We
catch an awkward moment where Gunn has his foot in the busted crate. Go figure, you return
to the WWF, try to be tough and cool and you end up with your foot in a crate. Things like
this are just never easily forgotten, not by US!!
|Eventually they use FLOUR! They're gonna make banana
bread?? I'm in for that. I want a slice. I want nuts in mine. Holly nuts. OH!!!!!!!!
Then some guy wearing a Japanese demon mask appears, throws Bart off the
ramp and into a table, does some 'whirlwind' arm move and then walks off non chalantly
back to the locker room. Was it Scorpio? Couldn't see if he had Spock ears so I can't be
sure. Holly covers Bart and wins the match. He's covered with flour, and starts walking
back to the ring.. to perhaps throw himself into a muffin pan to bake himself. I'll have
me a chunk of that too.
Chyna vs. X-Pac. Shane and HHH are there to support their man..
and woman. Chyna fails with a bronco move on X-Pac so he begins to chase Shane around the
ring. HHH pedigrees Chyna and .. X-Pac wins. Pretty short match.
Vinnie is in the ring, addressing UT and the Inferno Match.
'Tonight The Undertaker, you're going to get what you deserve..' Screwed those
lines up, ya did. (Unless he just said, 'nnnnye Undertaker... B.C.)
Kane vs UT in the Inferno Match. It's been a while since UT has
wrestled on RAW and due to this type of match, they were drenched. So UT is still keeping
the faith of wet spottage alive. It looked like a Sherlock Holmes type smoking pipe.
Vinnie does commentating and supports Kane (of course) saying,
'Kane knows how to take care of business.' We should hope so. Make sure he takes care of
it 3 times a day. Eat lots of fiber so that business will be easier to take care of.
Bearer comes out and gives Vinnie.. a hat box. What's in there??
Cowboy hat? Pirate Hat? One of Godfather's hats with the long feather on it that cats like
to play with? An Austin 3:16 hat?? Ah.. turns out to be a stuffed bear. Camera takes a
closer shot of it eventually and it looked gnawed in some places and the eyes were placed
far apart, practically on the sides of the head. It looked like Tori Spelling. OH!!!
Oh, the match. UT looks like he's trying to peel the mask off
Kane, who fights to keep it on. 'Aw come on, Undie, you know what I look like underneath
the mask.. handsome, adorable, sexy and white.'
Kane jumps off the top rope to the outside of the ring and Kane's
foot slipped on the rope. Must have been thinking, 'Damn Goldust, I keep telling him to
stop licking these ropes. ' Kane's foot is eventually set on fire. Well hey.. a man with
hot buns has got to have hot feet. Athlete's foot, dear?? Try Tenactin. It smothers that
flame like nobody's business.
Undertaker takes the stuffed bear, burns it and my goodness, that
thing went up in flames rapidly. A warning for children with the Tori Spelling stuffed
bear... don't smoke while playing with it. Heh..
This is Chokee and my stuffed doll was named Baby Boo Boo.
Listen, I never claimed to be sane.