By Chokee Slam
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March 1, 1999 Cleveland, OH
The camera scans the audience and we catch sight of .. HEY, it's Gary Sinise! He's a wrestling fan also! Check out the kid behind him who is so elated that he's standing behind Gary Sinise. How's the acting career going there, huh? Alright, it's not the actor. This dude is probably a mailroom clerk with shotgun. raw082.jpg (18330 bytes)

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Make my Monkey Famous. Obviously it's supposed to be Make my Monkey Ass Famous but remember, we always see what we want to see and what we see makes these reports better. However, our attention was more on the kid on the left side displaying his 'mouse' hand. He was showing the world what could happen to your hand if you spend too much time using a mouse. Thankfully he didn't have 'jack-off' hand. Boy, would he have been embarassed.

Lots of lots of signs here in Cleveland.

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Multiple Person attempt: SUKCIT. Sometimes I wonder if these flubs are actually intentional. I mean, can people be that clueless??  (Uhhmmmm... B.C.)

Finally, the show. Vinnie and Corp. Team enter. Rock is walking down the ramp and we notice his LONG drawstring is bouncing side to side, gently brushing against either side of his gonads. If he wanted to feel more than just a mere brushing, he'd have to walk with more sway to the hips. Then he would be inducted into the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Testes is starting to grow facial hair which is probably his attempt to camouflage his little bunny teeth. Try sewing your lips together. Actually he looks good with the facial hair. But you may want to try the Fu Manchu style or just glue a dead animal to your mouth in order to cover those little gnawing teeth.

As Vinnie is yabbering, Kane is standing in the background, hands on hip, chest perking up and saying, 'My breasts! Lookee my breasts! Anyone want to joust?? Hazaar!'

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Of course the audience starts the 'asshole' chant and Vinnie's mind starts to meander.  I think he's dreaming about a land of big heads, bunny teeth and burnt teddy bears.. and maybe Twix cookie bars. Vinnie says that he has a surprise for Undertaker but first thing is first. Since Kane lost the Inferno match last week, Vinnie is ready to reprimand him. Vinnie says, 'Kane, you promised me.' Hey, Kane didn't promise you a thing, he didn't even speak, ya know. Not even a 'uh-huh.' raw084.jpg (14154 bytes)
Vinnie then tells Kane to go to hell. Aw, Kane's already been there. It's a little hot there and people get a bit depressed but it's not all that horrible. You get great barbecues, bonfires and campfire sit-togethers.

Vinnie says, 'You're fired.' Kane got fire last week. Also, if you're going to fire him, then why did you bother getting him new boots?? So the Funny Farm guys are out to take Kane but Chyna intervenes. She pats Kane on the shoulder, 'Don't worry, I got your back. I'll get your front when we get to the hotel room.' OOH. She barters with Vinnie to keep him in the corporation. She says that she can control him. It takes a lot of responsibility, you know but I'm sure she'll feed him regularly, walk him twice a day and give him lots of love. Aw come on, Vinnie, you never let her have a pet.

Chyna suggests that Kane wrestle Austin. If Kane wins, he stays in the Corporation, if he loses, Kane AND Chyna leave the corporation. Somewhere in that conversation, we caught a brief moment when Vince's hair MOVED all on its own. Be careful, you don't want it to suddenly crawl off your head and find some damp little corner in your home to mutate.

Mankind enters. Hey, who else is gonna show up to this party? Well, Mankind is definitely a welcomed guest. He'd bring cans and cans of Chef Boyardee and party favors. He'd let all the kids climb on top of him. Cute.

A match is set between Mankind and UT. The lights go out and cue the Undertaker's entrance theme. Great, he's the life of a party. Bauhaus music, Gregorian chants, sitting around being Gothic, Yahtzee, and killing yourself. It's kind of a drag. After UT's 'BONG' sounds off, UT let out a hearty laugh. I think the director should have told him to put a little more into it though. I would suggest an almost hillbilly, comic book evil villian kind of laugh. For example... THIS

The Corporate Team huddles to discuss amongst themselves. They're all pretty large wrestlers, so I ask, why the hell is Kenny in there? Chyna is even bigger than he is. Kenny is kinda like one of those anxious team players who hops around like Daffy Duck while his teammates are huddled together deciding their game plan. Poor guy.. poor little guy (yes, I know he is way taller than me but hey.. I'm not the one on tv).

Backstage Ryan Shamrock is walking in the hallways. Now we have heard from our undercover mad phat detectives that Ryan drove into the arena with Kenny. Mmmm. Ryan is a former stripper so HOOOOW (this is where the Jerry Seinfeld imitation comes in) does Kenny know her?? WHYYYYY is he hanging around strip bars while he's a happily married man? And WHAAAT is going on? Actually BC informs me that Kenny used to dance naked (in front of his family?? C.S.) (no, in strip bars.. B.C.). For some reason, I can't imagine him having any sort of a beat. I also figure the the Rhythm Police would grab him and haul his ass into a dance studio. But who knows. Maybe he has the ability to get down.

Kenny walks down the ramp, his breasts are happily bouncing and they seem to sing, 'boompety boompety boompety' which is a better song than Venis's finger flicking, 'BoogersBoogersBoogers.'

We see an 'Earlier Today' segment where Billy Butt is being told by the doctor that he shouldn't wrestle because he's got pneumonia and he could get an asthma attack ANY MOMENT. Hey, just get Gangrel's inhaler then. Billy protests to this suggestion and he slips in some incidental coughs to let the world know that he has PNEUMONIA. Hey, EVERYONE, he's got pneumonia. It would have been more convincing if he coughed out a phlegm ball the size of Big Nasty's Head. Then he'd look at it and say, 'ooH, that was disgusting, wasn't it?' OR do what some children do when they cannonball a wad of phlegm out; ignore it and let someone else clean it up.


This is a triple threat match by the way. Kenny vs. Goldust vs. Venis. Goldust walks in giving the cameraman his imitation of Testes.

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VALVEN IS. Is what?? Isn't that just a bite off the commercial, 'Keri is so very..' ?

During this match, Ryan walks in but FNS chooses to look at Kenny's panties. 'I'm tired of his little panties..' Well, would you rather he wear chaps with fringes on them, leg warmers, a leprachaun hat and big movie star glasses? Mm, actually I wouldn't mind seeing that. FNS redeems himself however and notes that Ryan has a rather fine ass. At least she doesn't seem to look plastic. Notice I say 'doesn't seem'.

Again we are subjected to looking at Venis' bony ankles. At a distance, he looks like he's wearing knee-hi black socks with shoes and sock garters. Definite old geezer style. raw087.jpg (7953 bytes)
Goldie kisses Ryan, practically vacuuming her face into his mouth and this makes a Kenny irate, who chases Goldie into the audience. Venis wins the match. Billy Butt then runs in to attack him. What would have been really effective is if Billy COUGHED on him, unloaded a stream of phlegm onto Venis, enshrouding him like Alien snot.

Jim Ross has returned. He enters the ring, calls out Bart Gunn. Bart's got his own music (which is comprised of two notes. Well, that's a start. It could have been a new-age theme and that only requires one note) BUT Bart hasn't reached the level of having his own shirt to market. It's just the generic, 'Raw is War' shirt and I think that's Blackman's hand-me-down even. Now this angle is pretty annoying. Basically, Bart won the boxing tournament sometime ago and JR feels that Bart humiliated him by saying that he 'beat his boy', Dr. Death Steve Williams. It's nice to have JR back but this angle is unfitting.

Dr. Death runs in to attack Bart. He tried to take his jacket off by pulling it over his head like a tee-shirt. DER. Do you take your pants off by pulling it over your head too? raw088.jpg (23213 bytes)
Backstage, Debra is sitting in front of a mirror, caressing her legs. Does that seem in the least bit .. demented? I bet she stands in front of the mirror, arches her eyebrows way up and says, 'MAAAAX... I'm ready for my close-up, MAAAAX.' Her face really is very frightening. She went to the Joan Crawford school for cosmetology. Or Clown Face University.
Jarrett and Debra walk down the ramp, holding hands. Owen looks on with jealousy in his eyes. Hey, I think HE wants to hold Jarrett's hands.  Debra shows her love for the McDonald's symbol by her arch-like eyebrows and grins maniacally. If her eyebrows were any higher, she'd have Micky Mouse ears. raw089.jpg (24090 bytes)
Also what's up with Jarrett's new do? It's starting to grow wings on the side. He looks like Flock of Seagulls. And I raaaan.. I ran so far away (from Debra).. yes I raaaaan, I couldn't get awaaaay (from Debra).. couldn't get away (insert synthesized drum roll). Problem solved, just hide her make-up. She'd never come out of hiding if she knew people were going to see her without her make-up.

Jarrett and Owen vs. HHH and X-Pac. During this match, wherever the camera shot was, all the people in the audience jumped up to show their signs. This reminded me of that Woody Woodpecker cartoon where everytime the park ranger went down Niagara Falls in a barrel, the spectators would throw their hands up and cheer. I think I watch too much tv.

X-Pac accidentally knocks Debra off the ring (well she shouldn't have been there) and he goes over to make sure her nose didn't pop off her face. Then Shane interferes and X-Pac chases after him. X-Pac dear, you don't make a very good tag partner. You keep leaving your buddy in the ring to fend for himself. Fine weathered friend.

Ivory comes in, then X-Pac returns, 'Did we win?? Wha happened?' Debra is being walked away from the ring while Ivory gives her the hairy eyeballs but D'lo attacks Jarrett and Owen, allowing Ivory to disrobe Debra. As if we didn't see that coming. Still it was worth it to see Debra almost jack herself up again. That girl has a problem with staying on her feet. Well, I guess she's used to being horizontal.

Backstage, Kevin Kelly interviews Debra, Jarrett and Owen. In Debra's most potent witch face, she challenges Ivory and says, 'It's YOU (as she points to herself) against ME (as she points to the camera)' She can't walk straight, she doesn't know who 'ME' is... I think she needs to go through grades 1-6 all over again.  (Like she ever made it up to the 6th grade... OH! Who said that??? ... B.C.)

Luna enters the ring with her new friend, Tori. Luna calls Sable out but Tori attacks Luna from behind. Sha! As if we would believe that Luna can't beat Sable up and powerbomb her 10 times in a row without even letting go of her body.

Rock is walking around backstage, 'getting ready,' says Cole. Looks to us that Rock is just getting ready to participate in a walking around and spitting contest.

Road Dogg enters and was acknowledging signage. Mm.. leave that task to us Doggie Doo. You're not as funny. What is funny is Dogg takes a slight fumble while trying to get up the steps to the ring. Are you stoned, dude?? You must be because you shaved the sides of your hair but left your sideburns in. It's kinda like how women shave their pubic area and leave a small Hitler mustache. raw085.jpg (15866 bytes)
Doggie vs. Rock. Rock stands on the second buckle and lifts his arm up to show how it (just the left one) has increased in mass. I think he had the fat sucked out of his nipples and put into his arm. Sorry.

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I JUST HIT ROCK BOTTOM. How did it feel? Soft, squishy? Hard and muscular? Did it jiggle?

During this match, Big Head interferes and headbutts Dogg behind the ref's back. This is a very dangerous move for Dogg.. contact with Big Nasty Head is like being in a plane crashing into Mount Rushmore.

Dogg then loses the match to the Rock's elbow. Oh, how degrading. Dogg had to lay down, stare at the ceiling waiting for Rock to execute his 50 minutes elbow move, allowing him time to retrospect on his career and think, 'this is what I've been reduced to.. jobbing to that sweaty, smelly, athlete's elbow.. oh, is that the Nestle blimp up there??'  (He was actually looking for the Warrior to make his entrance...B.C.)

As Dogg is in the ring with Hebner massaging the back of his neck ('how does that feel baby.. I'll rub some jasmine oil on it later tonight'), Al Snow enters to have Dogg hit him with a chair a few times.. then Holly enters and we have an unscheduled hardcore match. Dogg takes the mic, about to deepthroat it (OH!)  but just challenges Snow and Holly (sounds so Christmasy, them two) to meet him out in the parking lot.

Backstage Chyna is telling Kane, 'I put my faith in you, I put my trust in you.' Mm, what else did you put in him? (A finger?? ... B.C.) OH!! I go for the rated G answer, a huge bologna sandwich.

Public Enemy enters dressed as the Brood. I can't express how uninterested I am in these two. They're piled into the lump of uselessness along with Steven Regal. The audience won't even give a reaction. Instead this is their time to take a dump, buy the $9 box of Cracker Jacks, get some foamy fingers, Heads, Rocks, Steveweisers, blood colored Kool-Aid, Kandy Kanes, Do-It-Yourself Wet Spot kits, Testicles, .. ANYTHING at all to pass the time away so that they DON'T have to watch them. They really do SUCK!!

Anyways, the lights turn out and it looks more like a Bon Jovi concert. 'I'm a cowboy, on a (I forgot the words) horse I ride, I'm wanted... WANTED.. dead or alive.' Hey Jovi, hate to tell you, you're not a cowboy. You're from New Jersey dude. New Jersey and Texas seems to be the breeding ground of wrestlers. You should have sang, 'I'm a wrestler... on the top rope I ride.. '

The lights turn back on and Fly Boy has disappeared and Grunge is left alone in the ring. No one cares.  (Did anyone else notice how UNinterested the audience was...  they were too bored to yawn...B.C.)

Holly and Dogg are wrestling in the parking lot. Holly throws Dogg against boxes of paper. Hey, in the background, there's Gnat Boy (Fly Boy), who sees the camera and ran to hide somewhere. 'DOH! I'm on camera!' You moron, get out of other wrestlers' scenes, wrestlers who HAVE good gimmicks.. or have A gimmick. You're contaminating the lense.

Holly and Dogg are wrestling amongst more boxes of paper. I guess that's what the WWF uses to write all their memos to the wrestlers. By the way, where's Al? I guess he didn't get his memo.

Droz vs Blackman in a Kendo stick match. Uh... okay. Hey, only Justin Credible should be allowed to use the Kendo stick. Hmff. Me = elitist. I'm partial to Justin of course. BC states that she would rather see a Guitar on a Pole match. Sure, we can see them struggle to play a C chord.. or a D minor. Hell, just play the E chord and you're on your way to playing all Nirvana tunes or earliest Metallica songs.

By the way, we really didn't want to notice this but Droz has a wet spot which is in a very embarassing spot. It's right where his anus is.  (Heh... you said anus ... B.C.) . That's where a wet fart would escape. Oh Droz... raw090.jpg (22505 bytes)
Who won this match??
Anyways, Dogg and Holly are still wrestling. They eventually make their way outdoors and Al appears. They faxed him the memo.  Eventually, Dogg and Holly end up in a very gay stance. Doggie is doing what his name suggests and Holly is trying to turn Doggie on with a Hawaiian hip sway. The match continues on into the streets. Who won?? Where was I? I think I was intoxicated with a pistacchio milk shake. raw091.jpg (15325 bytes)
Bug Boy is strung up, had a blood bath on him and Grunge is yelling for help. Uh.... no one cares. Not even the backstage crew.
In the audience we see a HUGE cut-out of a hand flipping the bird but the thumb is also jutting out.  This illustration is too unrealistic. Try doing this with your own hands. (OOOOW, it hurts!! It hurts!!! MY CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME!!!!... B.C.) sign023.jpg (7132 bytes)
Undertaker enters. Cole says, 'It's Undertaker coming down here.' OH! We didn't see any of that type of action. You should have just said, 'the UT can take on all comers..' That's disgusting. But at least he's not coming on all takers. OH! By the way, UT's butt has gotten a bit.... rounded. Perhaps it's the fact that he tucks his shirt into his tights but they give the illusion of looking so fully packed.

Vinnie is doing commentary for this UT vs Mankind match. One point, when UT is outside the ring, he suddenly turns his head SHARPLY to face Vinnie. I don't know, but maybe Vinnie pinched dead butt. It IS a sizable butt. Vinnie probably wanted to feel the softness, the squishiness. Perhaps they're like pillows. Hey UT, just tell Vinnie, 'This is sexual harassment and I don't have to take it anymore!' Gets them everytime. If not, just pop him one.

While UT is about to tombstone Vinnie on the announcer's table, we see signage:

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I'M HUNG. Hey, are you related to Sammo Hung?? Well Hung... heh.. Get it?? Well hung?? (Hey, Ho!... B.C.) Bossman runs out to save Vinnie and they both run into the audience, with Edge following behind them ('Hey guys, wait for me, I know the way around (in the audience sections)!!').

Debra McMichael enters wearing her 'wrestling' outfit, the velvet pink bra and panty set with the white go-go boots. Dolt. That is an instant indication that she is not going to wrestle. Hell, she can't even stand. The ref tells Jarrett and Owen to leave. 'Bye Flock.. and take your seagull with you.'

We get a flashback of Ivory beating Jacqueline on Heat (which nobody in this world saw due to satellite problems) and we see Ivory take a good swing at Jac's face. Yes it's an openhanded slap but it looked good. Ivory knows how to deliver.

Ivory immediately goes after Debra, who laid down like a rug in about 2 seconds. Should have stepped all over her, Ivory, clean the bottom of your soles on her. Jacqueline and Terri Runnels run in and Jac piledrives Ivory. Sigh.. you know, months ago I suggested that WWF get a GLOW girl to kick all the girl's asses and I just feel that you guys in the WWF think tank are not quite listening. KICK their asses, not have her ass kicked. D'lo makes the save.

Kane's entrance. Whah.


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Kendra is Satan. Gee, they must have something against Kendra. (Or Satan... B.C.)

Since Kaney burnt his footsie last week, he got some new stylin' boots. They're still patent leather but it seems the platform is a little higher and he's got velcro buckles on the back, which kept opening up. During the match, he had to whisper to Stevie that his velcro was undone so like the trooper that Stevie is, he valiantly threw himself out the ring in an unflattering manner allowing Kane to redo his velcro strap. This is team work. raw092.jpg (22288 bytes)
The battle gets taken into the audience section and we see this girl with HUGE knockers. I'm just curious as to how she doesn't fall foward. (Those were triple H cups... B.C.) Kane back body drops Austin, enabling us to see Kane with his new Austin hat. Hey, everyone's got an Austin hat, Kaney figured he should as well. However, this photo is perverted because it kinda states, 'Hey, I like your ass, I'd like to wear it as a hat..' and Kane's already got a girlfriend. raw093.jpg (22858 bytes)
Kane is giving Austin a bearhug and Lawler comments (about Kane's asylum conditions), 'how those long lonely nights in the nuthouse are like..' meanwhile it looks like Austin is planting one on Kane. SMOOOCH! Hey since you're the rattlesnake, your tongue can easily get in between that slit. OH! Ah, it's twue man wuv. raw094.jpg (18224 bytes)
Austin tries to pin Kane, he lifts his hefty meaty leg up and ... puts his hand on his area.  Hey guys, there are children involved in this viewing. Mm.. how did it feel, Stevie?? Did it throb to the touch??

Sorry. At that point, Kane did start breathing rather heavily. Mm.. Then Chyna gets in the ring to pull Austin off her man, 'HEY, Get your hand off that!! I need to use it later!! DON'T DAMAGE THE GOODS!!!'

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Big Head enters to interfere but instead kicks Kane. Austin leaves the ring, flips all of them his birds and we see some froth in the corner of his mouth. He probably went rabid and eventually fell backwards... but the camera cuts. End of the program.

This is Chokee and I don't think I'll see the foam in cappuccinos the same way. Thanks Steve.

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