By Chokee Slam
|March 1, 1999 Cleveland, OH
|The camera scans the audience and we catch sight of .. HEY, it's
Gary Sinise! He's a wrestling fan also! Check out the kid behind him who is so elated that
he's standing behind Gary Sinise. How's the acting career going there, huh? Alright, it's
not the actor. This dude is probably a mailroom clerk with shotgun.
Make my Monkey Famous. Obviously it's supposed to be Make my
Monkey Ass Famous but remember, we always see what we want to see and what we see makes
these reports better. However, our attention was more on the kid on the left side
displaying his 'mouse' hand. He was showing the world what could happen to your hand if
you spend too much time using a mouse. Thankfully he didn't have 'jack-off' hand. Boy,
would he have been embarassed.
Lots of lots of signs here in Cleveland.
Multiple Person attempt: SUKCIT. Sometimes I wonder if these
flubs are actually intentional. I mean, can people be that clueless?? (Uhhmmmm...
Finally, the show. Vinnie and Corp. Team enter. Rock is walking
down the ramp and we notice his LONG drawstring is bouncing side to side, gently brushing
against either side of his gonads. If he wanted to feel more than just a mere brushing,
he'd have to walk with more sway to the hips. Then he would be inducted into the Ministry
of Silly Walks.
|Testes is starting to grow facial hair which is probably his
attempt to camouflage his little bunny teeth. Try sewing your lips together. Actually he
looks good with the facial hair. But you may want to try the Fu Manchu style or just glue
a dead animal to your mouth in order to cover those little gnawing teeth.
As Vinnie is yabbering, Kane is standing in the background, hands on hip,
chest perking up and saying, 'My breasts! Lookee my breasts! Anyone want to joust??
|Of course the audience starts the 'asshole' chant and Vinnie's
mind starts to meander. I think he's dreaming about a land of big heads, bunny teeth
and burnt teddy bears.. and maybe Twix cookie bars. Vinnie says that he has a surprise for
Undertaker but first thing is first. Since Kane lost the Inferno match last week, Vinnie
is ready to reprimand him. Vinnie says, 'Kane, you promised me.' Hey, Kane didn't promise
you a thing, he didn't even speak, ya know. Not even a 'uh-huh.'
|Vinnie then tells Kane to go to hell. Aw, Kane's
already been there. It's a little hot there and people get a bit depressed but it's not
all that horrible. You get great barbecues, bonfires and campfire sit-togethers.
Vinnie says, 'You're fired.' Kane got fire last week. Also, if you're
going to fire him, then why did you bother getting him new boots?? So the Funny Farm guys
are out to take Kane but Chyna intervenes. She pats Kane on the shoulder, 'Don't worry, I
got your back. I'll get your front when we get to the hotel room.' OOH. She barters with
Vinnie to keep him in the corporation. She says that she can control him. It takes a lot
of responsibility, you know but I'm sure she'll feed him regularly, walk him twice a day
and give him lots of love. Aw come on, Vinnie, you never let her have a pet.
Chyna suggests that Kane wrestle Austin. If Kane wins, he stays
in the Corporation, if he loses, Kane AND Chyna leave the corporation. Somewhere in that
conversation, we caught a brief moment when Vince's hair MOVED all on its own. Be careful,
you don't want it to suddenly crawl off your head and find some damp little corner in your
home to mutate.
Mankind enters. Hey, who else is gonna show up to this party?
Well, Mankind is definitely a welcomed guest. He'd bring cans and cans of Chef Boyardee
and party favors. He'd let all the kids climb on top of him. Cute.
A match is set between Mankind and UT. The lights go out and cue
the Undertaker's entrance theme. Great, he's the life of a party. Bauhaus music, Gregorian
chants, sitting around being Gothic, Yahtzee, and killing yourself. It's kind of a drag.
After UT's 'BONG' sounds off, UT let out a hearty laugh. I think the director should have
told him to put a little more into it though. I would suggest an almost hillbilly, comic
book evil villian kind of laugh. For example... THIS
The Corporate Team huddles to discuss amongst themselves. They're
all pretty large wrestlers, so I ask, why the hell is Kenny in there? Chyna is
even bigger than he is. Kenny is kinda like one of those anxious team players who hops
around like Daffy Duck while his teammates are huddled together deciding their game plan.
Poor guy.. poor little guy (yes, I know he is way taller than me but hey.. I'm not the one
Backstage Ryan Shamrock is walking in the hallways. Now we have
heard from our undercover mad phat detectives that Ryan drove into the arena with Kenny.
Mmmm. Ryan is a former stripper so HOOOOW (this is where the Jerry Seinfeld imitation
comes in) does Kenny know her?? WHYYYYY is he hanging around strip bars while he's a
happily married man? And WHAAAT is going on? Actually BC informs me that Kenny used to
dance naked (in front of his family?? C.S.) (no, in strip bars.. B.C.). For some
reason, I can't imagine him having any sort of a beat. I also figure the the Rhythm Police
would grab him and haul his ass into a dance studio. But who knows. Maybe he has the
ability to get down.
Kenny walks down the ramp, his breasts are happily bouncing and
they seem to sing, 'boompety boompety boompety' which is a better song than Venis's finger
We see an 'Earlier Today' segment where Billy Butt is being told
by the doctor that he shouldn't wrestle because he's got pneumonia and he could get an
asthma attack ANY MOMENT. Hey, just get Gangrel's inhaler then. Billy protests to this
suggestion and he slips in some incidental coughs to let the world know that he has
PNEUMONIA. Hey, EVERYONE, he's got pneumonia. It would have been more convincing if he
coughed out a phlegm ball the size of Big Nasty's Head. Then he'd look at it and say,
'ooH, that was disgusting, wasn't it?' OR do what some children do when they cannonball a
wad of phlegm out; ignore it and let someone else clean it up.
This is a triple threat
match by the way. Kenny vs. Goldust vs. Venis. Goldust walks in giving the cameraman his
imitation of Testes.
VALVEN IS. Is what?? Isn't that just a bite off the commercial,
'Keri is so very..' ?
During this match, Ryan walks in but FNS chooses to look at
Kenny's panties. 'I'm tired of his little panties..' Well, would you rather he wear chaps
with fringes on them, leg warmers, a leprachaun hat and big movie star glasses? Mm,
actually I wouldn't mind seeing that. FNS redeems himself however and notes that Ryan has
a rather fine ass. At least she doesn't seem to look plastic. Notice I say 'doesn't seem'.
|Again we are subjected to looking at Venis' bony ankles. At a
distance, he looks like he's wearing knee-hi black socks with shoes and sock garters.
Definite old geezer style.
|Goldie kisses Ryan, practically vacuuming her face
into his mouth and this makes a Kenny irate, who chases Goldie into the audience. Venis
wins the match. Billy Butt then runs in to attack him. What would have been really
effective is if Billy COUGHED on him, unloaded a stream of phlegm onto Venis, enshrouding
him like Alien snot.
Jim Ross has returned. He enters the
ring, calls out Bart Gunn. Bart's got his own music (which is comprised of two notes.
Well, that's a start. It could have been a new-age theme and that only requires one note)
BUT Bart hasn't reached the level of having his own shirt to market. It's just the
generic, 'Raw is War' shirt and I think that's Blackman's hand-me-down even. Now this
angle is pretty annoying. Basically, Bart won the boxing tournament sometime ago and JR
feels that Bart humiliated him by saying that he 'beat his boy', Dr. Death Steve Williams.
It's nice to have JR back but this angle is unfitting.
|Dr. Death runs in to attack Bart. He tried to take his jacket
off by pulling it over his head like a tee-shirt. DER. Do you take your pants off by
pulling it over your head too?
|Backstage, Debra is sitting in front of a mirror,
caressing her legs. Does that seem in the least bit .. demented? I bet she stands in front
of the mirror, arches her eyebrows way up and says, 'MAAAAX... I'm ready for my close-up,
MAAAAX.' Her face really is very frightening. She went to the Joan Crawford school for
cosmetology. Or Clown Face University.
|Jarrett and Debra walk down the ramp, holding hands. Owen looks
on with jealousy in his eyes. Hey, I think HE wants to hold Jarrett's hands. Debra
shows her love for the McDonald's symbol by her arch-like eyebrows and grins maniacally.
If her eyebrows were any higher, she'd have Micky Mouse ears.
|Also what's up with Jarrett's new do? It's starting
to grow wings on the side. He looks like Flock of Seagulls. And I raaaan.. I ran so far
away (from Debra).. yes I raaaaan, I couldn't get awaaaay (from Debra).. couldn't get away
(insert synthesized drum roll). Problem solved, just hide her make-up. She'd never come
out of hiding if she knew people were going to see her without her make-up.
Jarrett and Owen vs. HHH and X-Pac. During this match, wherever the camera
shot was, all the people in the audience jumped up to show their signs. This reminded me
of that Woody Woodpecker cartoon where everytime the park ranger went down Niagara Falls
in a barrel, the spectators would throw their hands up and cheer. I think I watch too much
X-Pac accidentally knocks Debra off the ring (well she shouldn't
have been there) and he goes over to make sure her nose didn't pop off her face. Then
Shane interferes and X-Pac chases after him. X-Pac dear, you don't make a very good tag
partner. You keep leaving your buddy in the ring to fend for himself. Fine weathered
Ivory comes in, then X-Pac returns, 'Did we win?? Wha happened?'
Debra is being walked away from the ring while Ivory gives her the hairy eyeballs but D'lo
attacks Jarrett and Owen, allowing Ivory to disrobe Debra. As if we didn't see that
coming. Still it was worth it to see Debra almost jack herself up again. That girl has a
problem with staying on her feet. Well, I guess she's used to being horizontal.
Backstage, Kevin Kelly interviews Debra, Jarrett and Owen. In
Debra's most potent witch face, she challenges Ivory and says, 'It's YOU (as she points to
herself) against ME (as she points to the camera)' She can't walk straight, she doesn't
know who 'ME' is... I think she needs to go through grades 1-6 all over again. (Like
she ever made it up to the 6th grade... OH! Who said that??? ... B.C.)
Luna enters the ring with her new friend, Tori. Luna calls Sable
out but Tori attacks Luna from behind. Sha! As if we would believe that Luna can't beat
Sable up and powerbomb her 10 times in a row without even letting go of her body.
Rock is walking around backstage, 'getting ready,' says Cole.
Looks to us that Rock is just getting ready to participate in a walking around and
|Road Dogg enters and was acknowledging signage. Mm.. leave that
task to us Doggie Doo. You're not as funny. What is funny is Dogg takes a slight fumble
while trying to get up the steps to the ring. Are you stoned, dude?? You must be because
you shaved the sides of your hair but left your sideburns in. It's kinda like how women
shave their pubic area and leave a small Hitler mustache.
|Doggie vs. Rock. Rock stands on the second buckle
and lifts his arm up to show how it (just the left one) has increased in mass. I think he
had the fat sucked out of his nipples and put into his arm. Sorry.
I JUST HIT ROCK BOTTOM. How did it feel? Soft, squishy? Hard and
muscular? Did it jiggle?
During this match, Big Head interferes and headbutts Dogg behind
the ref's back. This is a very dangerous move for Dogg.. contact with Big Nasty Head is
like being in a plane crashing into Mount Rushmore.
Dogg then loses the match to the Rock's elbow. Oh, how degrading.
Dogg had to lay down, stare at the ceiling waiting for Rock to execute his 50 minutes
elbow move, allowing him time to retrospect on his career and think, 'this is what I've
been reduced to.. jobbing to that sweaty, smelly, athlete's elbow.. oh, is that the Nestle
blimp up there??' (He was actually looking for the Warrior to make his
As Dogg is in the ring with Hebner massaging the back of his neck
('how does that feel baby.. I'll rub some jasmine oil on it later tonight'), Al Snow
enters to have Dogg hit him with a chair a few times.. then Holly enters and we have an
unscheduled hardcore match. Dogg takes the mic, about to deepthroat it (OH!) but
just challenges Snow and Holly (sounds so Christmasy, them two) to meet him out in the
Backstage Chyna is telling Kane, 'I put my faith in you, I put my
trust in you.' Mm, what else did you put in him? (A finger?? ... B.C.) OH!! I go
for the rated G answer, a huge bologna sandwich.
Public Enemy enters dressed as the Brood. I can't express how
uninterested I am in these two. They're piled into the lump of uselessness along with
Steven Regal. The audience won't even give a reaction. Instead this is their time to take
a dump, buy the $9 box of Cracker Jacks, get some foamy fingers, Heads, Rocks,
Steveweisers, blood colored Kool-Aid, Kandy Kanes, Do-It-Yourself Wet Spot kits,
Testicles, .. ANYTHING at all to pass the time away so that they DON'T have to watch them.
They really do SUCK!!
Anyways, the lights turn out and it looks more like a Bon Jovi
concert. 'I'm a cowboy, on a (I forgot the words) horse I ride, I'm wanted... WANTED..
dead or alive.' Hey Jovi, hate to tell you, you're not a cowboy. You're from New Jersey
dude. New Jersey and Texas seems to be the breeding ground of wrestlers. You should have
sang, 'I'm a wrestler... on the top rope I ride.. '
The lights turn back on and Fly Boy has disappeared and Grunge is
left alone in the ring. No one cares. (Did anyone else notice how UNinterested
the audience was... they were too bored to yawn...B.C.)
Holly and Dogg are wrestling in the parking lot. Holly throws
Dogg against boxes of paper. Hey, in the background, there's Gnat Boy (Fly Boy), who sees
the camera and ran to hide somewhere. 'DOH! I'm on camera!' You moron, get out of other
wrestlers' scenes, wrestlers who HAVE good gimmicks.. or have A gimmick. You're
contaminating the lense.
Holly and Dogg are wrestling amongst more boxes of paper. I guess
that's what the WWF uses to write all their memos to the wrestlers. By the way, where's
Al? I guess he didn't get his memo.
Droz vs Blackman in a Kendo stick match. Uh... okay. Hey, only
Justin Credible should be allowed to use the Kendo stick. Hmff. Me = elitist. I'm partial
to Justin of course. BC states that she would rather see a Guitar on a Pole match. Sure,
we can see them struggle to play a C chord.. or a D minor. Hell, just play the E chord and
you're on your way to playing all Nirvana tunes or earliest Metallica songs.
|By the way, we really didn't want to notice this but Droz has a
wet spot which is in a very embarassing spot. It's right where his anus is. (Heh...
you said anus ... B.C.) . That's where a wet fart would escape. Oh Droz...
|Who won this match??
|Anyways, Dogg and Holly are still wrestling. They eventually
make their way outdoors and Al appears. They faxed him the memo. Eventually, Dogg
and Holly end up in a very gay stance. Doggie is doing what his name suggests and Holly is
trying to turn Doggie on with a Hawaiian hip sway. The match continues on into the
streets. Who won?? Where was I? I think I was intoxicated with a pistacchio milk shake.
|Bug Boy is strung up, had a blood bath on him and
Grunge is yelling for help. Uh.... no one cares. Not even the backstage crew.
|In the audience we see a HUGE cut-out of a hand flipping the
bird but the thumb is also jutting out. This illustration is too unrealistic. Try
doing this with your own hands. (OOOOW, it hurts!! It hurts!!! MY CARPAL TUNNEL
|Undertaker enters. Cole says, 'It's Undertaker
coming down here.' OH! We didn't see any of that type of action. You should have just
said, 'the UT can take on all comers..' That's disgusting. But at least he's not coming on
all takers. OH! By the way, UT's butt has gotten a bit.... rounded. Perhaps it's the fact
that he tucks his shirt into his tights but they give the illusion of looking so fully
Vinnie is doing commentary for this UT vs Mankind
match. One point, when UT is outside the ring, he suddenly turns his head SHARPLY to face
Vinnie. I don't know, but maybe Vinnie pinched dead butt. It IS a sizable butt. Vinnie
probably wanted to feel the softness, the squishiness. Perhaps they're like pillows. Hey
UT, just tell Vinnie, 'This is sexual harassment and I don't have to take it anymore!'
Gets them everytime. If not, just pop him one.
While UT is about to tombstone Vinnie on the announcer's table,
we see signage:
I'M HUNG. Hey, are you related to Sammo Hung?? Well Hung... heh..
Get it?? Well hung?? (Hey, Ho!... B.C.) Bossman runs out to save Vinnie and they
both run into the audience, with Edge following behind them ('Hey guys, wait for me, I
know the way around (in the audience sections)!!').
Debra McMichael enters wearing her 'wrestling' outfit, the velvet
pink bra and panty set with the white go-go boots. Dolt. That is an instant indication
that she is not going to wrestle. Hell, she can't even stand. The ref tells Jarrett and
Owen to leave. 'Bye Flock.. and take your seagull with you.'
We get a flashback of Ivory beating Jacqueline on Heat (which
nobody in this world saw due to satellite problems) and we see Ivory take a good swing at
Jac's face. Yes it's an openhanded slap but it looked good. Ivory knows how to deliver.
Ivory immediately goes after Debra, who laid down like a rug in
about 2 seconds. Should have stepped all over her, Ivory, clean the bottom of your soles
on her. Jacqueline and Terri Runnels run in and Jac piledrives Ivory. Sigh.. you know,
months ago I suggested that WWF get a GLOW girl to kick all the girl's asses and I just
feel that you guys in the WWF think tank are not quite listening. KICK their asses, not
have her ass kicked. D'lo makes the save.
Kane's entrance. Whah.
Kendra is Satan. Gee, they must have something against Kendra. (Or
|Since Kaney burnt his footsie last week, he got some new stylin'
boots. They're still patent leather but it seems the platform is a little higher and he's
got velcro buckles on the back, which kept opening up. During the match, he had to whisper
to Stevie that his velcro was undone so like the trooper that Stevie is, he valiantly
threw himself out the ring in an unflattering manner allowing Kane to redo his velcro
strap. This is team work.
|The battle gets taken into the audience section and we see this
girl with HUGE knockers. I'm just curious as to how she doesn't fall foward. (Those
were triple H cups... B.C.) Kane back body drops Austin, enabling us to see Kane with
his new Austin hat. Hey, everyone's got an Austin hat, Kaney figured he should as well.
However, this photo is perverted because it kinda states, 'Hey, I like your ass, I'd like
to wear it as a hat..' and Kane's already got a girlfriend.
|Kane is giving Austin a bearhug and Lawler comments (about
Kane's asylum conditions), 'how those long lonely nights in the nuthouse are like..'
meanwhile it looks like Austin is planting one on Kane. SMOOOCH! Hey since you're the
rattlesnake, your tongue can easily get in between that slit. OH! Ah, it's twue man wuv.
|Austin tries to pin Kane, he lifts his hefty meaty leg up and
... puts his hand on his area. Hey guys, there are children involved in this
viewing. Mm.. how did it feel, Stevie?? Did it throb to the touch??
Sorry. At that point, Kane did start breathing rather heavily.
Mm.. Then Chyna gets in the ring to pull Austin off her man, 'HEY, Get your hand off
that!! I need to use it later!! DON'T DAMAGE THE GOODS!!!'
|Big Head enters to interfere but instead kicks Kane.
Austin leaves the ring, flips all of them his birds and we see some froth in the corner of
his mouth. He probably went rabid and eventually fell backwards... but the camera cuts.
End of the program.
This is Chokee and I don't think I'll
see the foam in cappuccinos the same way. Thanks Steve.