By Chokee Slam
|3/8/99 Pittsburgh, PA
of the Wight/ Rock controversy. Ya know, whoever is filming Wight must be the size of Max
Mini. Here are a few examples of what I assume my view would be of Wight if I ever met
him. If I was on a chair, I'd be level to his kneecaps. If I was on a table, my head would
be sucked into his belly (contrary to some people's beliefs, this would NOT be a pleasant
thing), and if I was on an 8 foot ladder, I would have a view of his eyeball.
Loads of signage.
Here we see OH HE YEN. I think he was one of the extras in a
Bruce Lee movie. He was the one who got hit. Jackie Chan was actually one of the other
extras in that movie.
It seems that it's become a Mad Phat routine to choose the WWF
Manic Geek Fan of the week. We knew the day would come when our cruelty would go beyond
the wrestlers and eventually reach the helpless unprotected general public. Mad Phat has
|Here we see someone showing the world what he looks like when
he's giving someone fellatio. For the children who are reading this report, first of all,
you should tell your parents to get better reign of your internet settings, and secondly,
fellatio means happiness and complete love.
|Now here we see the casualties of people with
signage that shouldn't be sitting next to each other. Due to the camera cutting these
signs down to size, we see:
HELL .........I SMELL....SHANE. I think I would exclaim 'HELL!'
also if I smelled Shane. Or just the basic, 'WHEEEW!! WHAT DIED IN HERE!!??'
Obviously for the wrestling connisseur, these signs most likely
say, 'Hell Yeah', 'I smell what the Rock is pooting' and 'Shane Shane the Woosey Mane'
('Mane' is 'Man' in a Spanish accent) but little did they know that they had all been
reduced to a Mad Phat joke. Thanks dudes.
Rock enters to yabber about his distrust in Nasty WightHead
(don't you hate getting those??).
We catch sight of audience members who have 'ROCK' bodypainted on
their naked torsos.
I don't know, but 'C' looks like he's just got out of Auschwitz.
(Did he use lead paint on his body to make him look deathly ill like that?... B.C.)
Can someone please pass him a ho-ho, and I don't mean one of the Godfather's.
Hostess please. And I don't mean a 'hostess'. God, everything in this world is
about sex, huh?
Way to be.
Vinnie Mac enters, suggests that Rock and WightHead should keep
their differences backstage. Big WightHead enters, wearing a huge baseball jersey, which
was probably a couch covering just five minutes ago. As reported on a Howard Stern
appearance, The Nasty One said he had gotten his acromegaly controlled so he probably
won't look weirder. Mm, I wonder if I massage my pituitary gland, would it help me grow??
Just kidding, I know I would probably have to chop my head open to do that. I'll be
content with all my 5 feet and 4 inches. Anyways, back to the Big Weird One. Dude, I think
you reached your pinnacle in the weirdness factor. Just kidding. You're big but you didn't
reach the Colossal Man stage. That's good news, we reckon, that he won't die by the time
he's 40 years old. We at Mad Phat are obnoxious, but we're not heartless.
Now back to that Big Nasty Wart on his shoulder. OH, that's his
Mankind enters to get the ball rolling on the storyline.
Meanwhile, Big NastyHead is not doing too good a job staying in character. As he looks at
Rock, he's smirking, lifting the eyebrows up and even damn well smiling. Come on man,
you're supposed to act like you want to chomp down on the Rock's head like a bon bon. He's
got creamy filling, I bet.
Vinnie tells Mankind that in order for him to officiate at
Wrestlemania, he has to wrestle Austin with The Nasty One as guest referee.
Cue in Austin's music. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if
the wrestlers were running late to make their cue. For instance, Austin would be hopping
out from backstage with one boot on, a hoagie in his mouth, coffee cup in one hand, a beer
can in one armpit, another beer in his kneepit, his Austin 3:16 shirt around his neck and
tags sticking out from his underwear, jeans, boot, cap and kneepads. This would be more a
reflection of OUR reality, at least. Anyways, the match is set.
|Here's a photo still of D'Lo Brown and Owen Hart. Owen must have
really pissed off the cameraman .. oh wait, Owen always looks like that. Debra must have
walked by while the picture was taken since he looks like he smelled something foul. Must
be the butter on Debra's legs.
|Ministry enters a locker room where two unknown
wrestlers are preparing for something (definitely not to wrestle). The WWF wants us to
believe they're wrestlers. I bet one is the venerable sandwich maker of the WWF and the
other is the guy who wipes down the ring ropes (if he is, I'm sure he's got a personal
vendetta against Goldust, the infamous rope licker of the WWF). UT asks them, 'Have you
seen the Big Boss Man?' YO MAN, how can you miss him?? If a HOUSE was in front of you,
would you miss that? I don't think so. UT then says, 'Give him this message,' and the
Ministry starts beating up on these two unknowns. Okay UT, but you still didn't tell them
what the message was.
Mankind and Austin backstage. Mankind
would like to win this evening's match so he can ref at Wrestlemania but of course Austin
just wants to beat his 'sorry ass'. Mankind says, 'I don't wanna get my sorry ass beat but
if you change your mind, give me a signal.' Whatever suits you Mick. For you, we'd give
any signal. We'd hop up and down on one foot, pat our bellies, make farty noises via
armpit compression, and blink rapidly for ya.. anything you want.
Steel City Street Fight with D'Lo vs. Owen Hart. The names of
these matches are getting pretty extravagant. Actually this match should have been called
the 'Black Shirt, Blue Jeans Tucked in Black Boots Like You Never Clawed Your Way Out of
the 80's Match'. But that wouldn't fit on the screen, I guess.
|Owen puts D'lo in a piledriver in this match. Dammit Owen, you
are supposed to be BANNED from performing that move! You chicken finger (sorry, the nugget
thing needed a slight rest). Jarrett interferes by throwing the guitar to Owen but D'Lo
intercepts and hits Owen with it enabling Owen to eat wood. At least it wasn't a woodY.
It's that head shaking animated D'Lo sign.. but the head was sunk
in too low. He looked more like a head shaking Puetro Rican ..... turtle (imagination is a
good thing sometimes. SOMETIMES).
UT is backstage instructing his members (and you all thought he
just had one) to go find the Bubble Butt Man. He moo'd out, 'Broooood'. I'm surprised a
hoard of girls didn't run in to milk him. Then UT and Bearer went off together... to get
one of those meaty sandwiches that the WWF sandwich maker makes so well.
|Road Dogg and Billy Butt are back together. Lover's tiff on
hiatus, I guess. Actually, it looks like Butt spent a lot of time in the Hulkamania
training camp. Check out the pink tights and yellow head band. He's a hazard to
someone on acid. Just don't spin Billy Butt around in a circle, that would be such a
|Then Billy Butt takes his shirt off, throws it into the audience
and pretends to be a fountain. Performance art at its dorkiest. Then they proceed to
rub butts together. I don't know what mating ritual they're doing but I suppose it's
interesting. I think it's from some cult tribe in San Fransisco called GayMenDo.
|They go against Bob Holly who is now dubbed Hardcore
Holly. (Can we just call him Hard?? ... B.C.) Hey, if Hard teamed up with the
Hard(y) Boys, they'd make a hard team to beat, aye? Or they could make a sequel
to the movie, 'The Last Hard Men'. And if Hard just teams with Head... ah well, that's too
|Al Snow is Hard's partner and Al looks pretty hard himself. OH!!
Well if you don't believe me, check out the evidence. What a lump! Someone oughta milk him
too, I think he's about to burst. (I'm feeling woozy... B.C.)
|Al and Bobby seem to have their differences.
Eventually they have a stare down with each other, seemingly growling and breathing heavy.
Well, they are both hard men. OH. Let me stop. NAO wins the match, the lights go out and
the Ministry enters. As Cole reports, they 'swooped' in. Mm, not quite. I'd say there was
sliding in, stumbling in, rolling in (that would be Gangrel rolling in like a Butterball),
crawling in but definitely no swooping was seen.
starts talking. This will take about an hour. Meanwhile PIG is huddling over Holly's body
and I think I saw a stroking going on there. Yo guys, get rid of PIG. Cook him or
Cut to commercial. Advertisement for the movie 'Ravenous'. Plot
unknown. It must involve cannibalism because one man whines, 'He was LICKING me!!!' He
should have also yelled, 'AND I LIKED IT!!!' I still think ALIVE is by far the best movie
Jim Ross is backstage talking to Dr. I-Look-Like Death. JR then
enters the ring and invites Cole in as well. JR hands Cole the mic, who says, 'Hold this?'
No brainiac, eat it, twirl it, hit yourself on the forehead with it but don't do the
JR talks about how he assisted Cole through his WWF days and says
to him, 'now you got mousse in your hair, a narrow ass..' How about no ass (and moss
growing on his face... B.C.). JR is miffed that Cole made a rather
insensitive statement regarding JR's facial paralysis and takes a swift kick to Cole nuts.
WHOO HOO! Go JR! Then he sits next to Lawler to do commentary. However, Vinnie tells Terry
Taylor to take JR's place which did lead to one of the funniest comments. JR says to
Taylor, 'You gonna get a little cocky?? You gonna peck me to death??' You still got it,
JR. Dr. Death escorts JR away though.
Meanwhile Vinnie has told Patterson and Crisco to find the
Goldust is backstage with Ryan. The make-up on Goldie is starting
to get out of control. He's got dots on his cheek now. Maybe you'd like to try Debra
McMichael's make-up remover, which is probably equivalent to paint remover. Meanwhile
Bluedust is sitting beside them crying.
Patterson and Crisco are trying to look for Ministry. Yo, they're
all hanging upside down on the rafters (like the vampires they are.. yeah right). Except
for Viscera of course. There's no way his feet will hold his weight. Anyways, Crisco is a
little scared of the basement, 'There are big rats..' he says. You mean Testes?? Oh, he's
harmless. Just give him some cheese. Cheese would do him good considering he sometimes
wears a shirt that says, 'bad bones'. I think he's screaming for dairy in his diet.
Kenny Shamrock vs. Goldust.
I LOVE RYAN SHAMROCK. His son?? I'm sure Kenny loves him too. Now
if your sign said, 'I WANT RYAN SHAMROCK', I'm afraid Kenny would have to send you to the
NAMBLA people or Michael Jackson's home... or kill you. Whichever comes first. I think it
would be the latter. How old is his son, Ryan, anyways??
|As Kenny walks towards the ring, we see an audience member using
binoculars to Kenny watch. Trying to count all the armpit hairs of a Kenny, huh? It's a
popular sport you know, like bird watching. Perhaps he was trying to see Kenny's colon..
his poop chute. OH!! Alright, this guy was most likely just trying to get a picture with a
mere disposable camera.
|While the match is in progress, Ryan and Bluedust
are outside the ring having a little tiff. Blue eventually kisses her and she's disgusted.
Like Goldust is any better. Or Kenny. WHOOPS. Kenny wins the match. Bluedust then runs in
the ring only to get laid out by Kenny while Goldie runs away with Ryan. Thanks Blue,
you've been helpful.
Crisco and Patterson are outside one
of the dressing room doors. Patterson says, 'Dat's dem..' Hey Patterson, would you do dat
X-Pac accompanied by HHH vs. Testes along with Chyna. Since
Testes is wearing his leather chinos again, we don't see his protuberant in 3-D anymore.
Instead we notice his 'flipper' feet as he's walking down the ramp. I guess it's true what
they say about big feet, huh?? Big shoes. Sorry.
X-Pac gives Testes the crotch chop. Watch it X-Pac, he might take
you up on that offer. Then again, maybe not. It's hard to find anyone that levels to
Testes' massive package. I would like to dedicate one of Margaret Cho's haikus to you,
The sky grows darker
black shadow surrounding me
It was just your dick
Honestly, I don't recall if this is word for word, but you all
get the idea. Testes actually has become a better wrestler since his debut and is
definitely more at ease. We imagine it must have been a little difficult being the 'new
wrestler' and so he didn't want the world to just love him for his nads so... uh.. I'm
veering. His endowment is hypnotic.
|X-Pac performs the bronco move on Testes. As you see from the
picture, Testes' head exploded from the impact. Alright alright. Actually if was the other
way around, X-Pac's head would have become goulash. Or it would have been the eclipse of
X-Pac's head. OOH! Shane interferes in the match allowing Testes the chance to gather
pieces of his head back together.. and wins the match.
|HHH chases Shane around the ring only to get
clotheslined by Chyna. HHH then takes the mic and says, 'I'm sick of this crap!' In other
words, 'I'm sick of getting beat up by a woman!!' Then HHH says, 'I'm gonna come back
there..' Well, that's much better than coming in the ring. OH!
Patterson and Crisco barge into the dressing room where they think the
Ministry are. Turns out it's Godfather with two hoes. You know, it's pretty cruel that
Godfather's dressing room is in the basement. I mean where is Tiger Ali Singh's dressing
room? In a crawlspace?? The Public Enemy's dressing room must be in the dumbwaiter.
(It's at the bus stop... B.C.)
Godfather enters with his hoes. One of the girls has enormously
unproportioned breasts. FNS thinks they looks like coconuts. (You mean they're round,
brown and hairy??.. B.C.) Just the nipples, I think. OH!! My momma brought me up all
Godfather vs. Steve Blackman. Godfather offers Steve the girls
who actually takes them both. But Droz runs in to attack Steve, then the lights go out.
It's the Ministry.. again. 'How'd they get in the ring so fast,' asked Taylor. They were
all under the ring, I bet, passing the time by playing Perfection or Sorry.
Chyna comes out to the ring and she calls HHH out. But before
they can discuss what went wrong in their relationship, Kane makes his entrance. Okay,
five minutes to walk down the ramp. Kane shoots a fireball (out of his hand, not the
bunghole) but accidentally gets Chyna in the face. This makes Kane pretty upset. Poor
dear. Not two weeks of dating and he already torched his girlfriend. Medics try to help
but Kane throws them out as well. Well, WWF wants us to believe they're medics. I think
one of them was Tiger Ali Singh. Kane carries Chyna out as she buries her face into his
neck, perhaps saying, 'Mm, you smell good. Is that ivory soap? Herbal Essence Shampoo??'
Yah, I can see Kane taking an erotically satisfying shower using Herbal Essence AND
wearing the mask.
|Backstage, Kane is cradling Chyna in his arms. This does
make the picture of the week for us. Too cute. He caresses her fake hair extension (better
not get your fingers caught in that, you'll have to buy it from her then) and then we
notice his nicely manicured nails. Perhaps the gloved hand's nails are all bitten to the
quick, cuticles-galore and dried barbecue sauce in crevices.
|No, actually, Bostin shook that hand and said it was
very milky soft. We're not sure about the barbecue sauce though.
Sable with Tori. It's supposed to be Tori vs. Luna with Sable doing
commentary. ............................... Uuuuuuuh.................. yeah.
Luna strangles Tori, at the same time, spinning her hair around
in circle formation. She should have done a figure eight. A little more difficult, but
eloquent if done correctly. It would pull a perfect score of 10 from the judges.
Then Sable beats up on Tori. I spot two girls in the audience who
were watching this segment with an uninterested glazed look. I think the REAL two girls
got so bored with this segment that they left to get some popcorn and left their cardboard
cut-outs in the seat.
Boss Man drives into the arena.. confronts UT and eventually the
rest of the Ministry. Edge is sliding himself down the hood of a car. How nice of him to
buff that car. What a nice young man. Then they all play Pile on the Big Bus Man. They
drag him and tie him up to the UT symbol and .. (in our version, at least), they take out
all his Lunchables from his cargo vest pockets. Bradshaw gets the roast beef, Mr. Simmons
(Farooq) gets the salty crackers, Gangrel takes Edge and Christian's portions and eats it
himself as well as eating Edge and Christian.
Eventually Boss pulls free of the ties that bind him.. and jumps
down onto the ramp and eventually it's a rumble between Ministry and the Corp. Team (hey,
what took them so long anyways.. was Kenny busy flexing in front of a mirror?). UT starts
beating up on the security guys which leaves his hair disheveled causing security to
arrest him for violating his hair conditioning duties. Meanwhile Bradshaw is looking at
the arresting guard as if he grew a hairy round dark nipple on his nose. 'Please
don't take my friend,' Bradshaw thought, 'we were gonna dye my beard tonight, with Just
|As UT is being cuffed, he rolls his eyes and his
body shook. He must have experienced one of his phenomenal gastrointestinal quakes. Well,
maybe not because if he did, there'd be no one standing beside him. Bearer then took his
cellular phone out and probably called for a pizza delivery and some big tittie mermaids
doing lesbian shit (Mallrats, 1995). He's gonna party when the UT is away.
|As UT is being escorted away, some guy in the audience with a
white doo-rag gives his farewell to the Dead Man Walking by .. poking his arm.
Doo-rag guy was probably amazed that UT was a real person and not a big giant action
figure. UT is taken to the police car and Vinnie is yelling at him.
|A cop tries to restrain Vinnie by saying, 'I'm gonna
have to arrest you McMahon..' Aw come on, police don't speak like that. They always scream
at the TOP of the lungs and with barely a breath in between, 'OKAYGETDOWNONTHE GROUND
PUTYOUR HANDS BEHINDYOURHEADORI'MGONNA SHOOTYOUINTHEFACE!!!' I wouldn't know anything
about this though.
Rock enters and flexes his boobs for an
audience member. We could see the breasts jiggling underneath the shirt even. Hey Rock,
can you flex your boobs in beat to Babaloo?? That'd be quite a work-out.
Nasty Head enters with the standard ref garb. Hey, I have bed
sheets with the same pattern, looks about the right size...
Austin vs. Mankind. Big Head feels up Mankind, to make sure he's
doesn't have any concealed weapons. We know he just wanted to feel Mankind up. But when
it's Austin's turn to get frisked, Austin is fearful, 'no... get away from me...' He walks
to the next corner of the ring (what an oxymoron.. a ring has no corners.. mmmmm) and
eventually succumbs to Big Head's reassuring and soft coo-ing words of affection, 'Come
on, baby, let me get a grab.'
|During this match, Mankind has Austin in a chinlock. (I
don't know why, but I just read that as 'chickenhook'... and I don't know why I find it so
funny either ... B.C.) Big Head points his two big meaty fingers at Austin.
Was he asking Austin, 'Did you have dinner yet, would you like these two
sausages??' Or was he asking the typical, 'Wanna pull these fingers.. I'll blow the entire
front section into the next two tiers.'
|Eventually, the combatants are outside the ring so
Nasty begins his count. 'ONE!...' Then he looked confused. Uh.. What come after 1? Well
according to Metallica's And Justice for All, it's 'The Shortest Straw'. Eventually while
Austin is outside the ring rope, Mankind uses Socko on him and Nasty gives the fast count,
'1234----TEN! AND I HOPE YOU CHOKE..' Sorry.. too much Looney
Then Nasty Sausage Fingers choke slams
Mankind, Rock attacks Austin... and Chokee goes beddy bye. Maybe I'll have sausages for