By Chokee Slam
|San Jose, CA
of Rock and the Giant Clump formerly known as Big Nasty. Supposedly, Vinnie wasn't too
happy with the name of Big Nasty so now he's called The Big Show. If you guys don't make
up your minds, he'll eventually be known as The Big Thing. And then just plain ole The.
|Again, Mad Phat has found the Geek of the Week: Repeat
after him, 'HUUUUR!' Sorry. It's a cruel thing to do, swooping upon those innocently
attending a live Raw. But think of it as a metaphor for life. In school, he may be an
overbearing pompous ass, making fun of those who carry pocket protectors. But in just a
brief second with the powers of a 4-head vcr, he's been diminished to geekdom. Alright,
that's probably not a good enough reasoning for our cruelty but..
Hardcore Holly Fan Club.
Sadly enough, there
was no one holding this sign. I guess that's what the message was
relaying, huh? AAAW, that's a cruel joke. To make it worse, it was
apropiately placed above an EXIT sign which basically states, Hardcore
Holly Fans, here's the way out, you have no place here.
Rock enters. We see a rather nice illustration of the Rock in
But he's looking a little chubby in the cheek area. I guess he's
the people's rapper, Chubb Rock.
And for those who want to see the Funhouse Mirror Rock, feast
your eyes on:
He's like a pinhead with a flat top.
Anyways, Rock is yabbering about the 500 pounds of monkey crap,
The Big It. That's a pretty horrible visual. This brings to mind how big Wight's dump must
be. I don't think there's a toilet on this Earth that can withstand his poop let alone
hold the Big Ass. I mean, John Popper of Blues Traveler has got to be 1/3 his size and HE
even managed to break a toilet just by sitting on it. A Big Dump would fertilize 100,000
acres of land.
The Rock releases all his redundant catch phrases from his mouth
as we patiently sit by the telly waiting for someone to pelt him with a Thesaurus. He
doesn't even have to use it, just knock him off his feet please. This doesn't happen so we
focus on his nipples which occassionally peek out. Now to refresh the Mad Phat fan, we had
commented on his rather saggy nipples in past Raw reports. Suddenly rumor has it that he
had breast surgery. In the brief moments where his nips peeked out of his shirt to say,
'yo!', they were looking rather eye pokeable perky and erect. Erect enough to cut like a
knife (Bryan Adams, horrible 80's song).
Rock says it's evident that 'Austin and Wight are together as
one.' I can't imagine what they would look like if they were together as one. Perhaps a
deformed, big bald headed, sausage fingered, jelly rolled HUGE person with the widest
white ass on this earth.
Is that pronounced like 'good' or 'food'?
Vinnie tells Rock he knows what he's cooking (this is a
conspiracy, Rock's got everyone saying his catch phrases) 'and that's monkey crap,
Dwayne.' Hey Hey Hey (What's Happening)..
Hey.. someone put a HUGE watch on a sign:
I think it's Wight's watch (tongue twister, say that fast five
times). (I think that's a souvenir championship belt.. B.C.) ........... oh.
Either that or it's Big Thing's toe ring or something.
Vinnie says to Rock that Wight is perhaps not as quick on the
uptake as they are. Enter Wight who is obviously upset about that statement and voices his
opinion. However Vinnie doesn't 'like the tenor' in his voice. Would you have preferred
him speaking to you in that high pitched Bee Gee's falsetto voice?? Vinnie then bitch
slaps Big Thing's big face but apologizes afterwards since he knew internal hemorrhaging
wouldn't be a good idea at that specific time. Maybe another time.. he'll take a rain
check on it. He tells Rock and Thing that they have to work as a unit for 'Wrusslemania'.
For those who want to be in the know, Wrusslemania is a tournament where athletes wear
corduroys and shuffle around in dry leaves and crumpled papers while doing the twist.
(I always thought that was a convention for guys named Russel... B.C.)
Classic quote from a movie turned signage:
Puff Puff Give.
Don't break the rotation dude. People get killed for
Workmen come out and begin putting a table together. Lawler asked
one of them what he was building. In true construction worker lingo, the man replied, 'I
Road Dogg vs. Venis for the Intercontinental Belt. We'd like to
flashback to Heat where Doggie challenged Venis to this match: Dogg mustered up all his
literary abilities to say, 'Stop dead in your JACKS.... (der) TRACKS, you heard me.' Yes,
we heard you, you said JACKS. And even worse, 'My lesson in humiiidy is over as of
now..... you humilimated me!' Venis looked at Dogg like 'I don't know if I humilimated you
but YOU certainly humiliated yourself.' Hardcore was too shocked to say a word. Smoked a
little too much before that match, huh? Even Billy Butt reprimands Dogg for his
destroying the English language by laying his flittering, flouncy fingers on his chest.
|Venis walks down the ramp flicking his fingers
('boogersboogersboogers') and then licks his fingers afterwards ('Mmmm, yummy boogers.').
I wonder if he sniffed glue, ate Play-doh or rammed peanuts up his nose when he was a kid.
Venis takes the mic and ..geez will someone give him a lozenge?? He's just a ball of
phlegm, boogers, Play-doh, bald head, and thin ankles.... which makes him suitable to be a
protagonist of a porn movie.
The match starts and we see
that Venis didn't have his V8 that day. How'd he become the Leaning Penis of Venis? I
guess the geezer ankles can't support his weight. During this match, Dogg gets mighty
lonely and decides to travel the poop chute with Venis. Dogg looks like he's having a
grand ole time, while Venis is left screaming for more KY. OH!
|Dogg actually wins and Billy Butt runs in to bring more KY.
Okay, okay, he went in to congratulate him. Then we see true love begin to take form
as Billy is about to plant one on Dogg, who looks lovingly into his eyes. But they realize
they're on national tv and just give each other a manly hug.
|Dogg is celebrating backstage with the posse. HHH
has his hair brushed out straight. I suppose he's trying to frame his face in a way that
his nose doesn't become the big show. Instead he just looks like he's sporting Madonna's
new hair style, which doesn't even look good on Madonna.
Butt says to Dogg, 'Give me a shot???? Huh, huh give me shot?? (nudge nudge, wink wink)
You're gonna give me a shot, right? A shot? Will you huh ?? Give me a shot?? Huh? Huh?
Nudge nudge?' Dogg replies, 'A shot, huh?? You want a shot?? A shot? A shot you say??'
RAAAAAAAAAARGH. Give him a damn shot already so they can shut up.
A shot of tequila, a shot of insulin, a shot in the dark, ANYTHING TO SHUT THEM UP!!
Basically their script read:
Butt: 'Hey, Give me a shot??'
Dogg: 'You want a shot??'
Then the directors told them to work with it. I bet that's the last time they'll ever get
Shane and Vinnie enters. We notice that Shane has full figured
feminine hips which makes him traipse down the ramp in la-dee-da fashion. It is announced
that Shane is to wrestle .. LOD, who turn out to be Patterson and Crisco in LOD garb. Say,
did y'all know that Patterson is French? That explains his speech impediment. OH! No
Shane wins the match and they make their way back to the locker
room when they hear UT's voice boom over the speakers. 'McMahon... do you know where I
am??' Yeah sure, you're backstage, wearing your Kane pajamas, sitting with your feet
propped up, drinking a bloody mary and playing Doom.
UT says, 'There's no one home..' as the scene cuts to Vinnie's
estate. UT should have continued, '.. so we're going to t.p. your house and glue the
locks. ' The Ministry casually strolls into camera view, goes up to the windows. I suppose
UT didn't draw out the floor plans for them that would lead them to the front door. They
proceed to fog the windows.. and perhaps play tic tac toe on it.
Edge seemed to take the initiative however and asked Bearer
something and was headed for the front door... but went to the other windows. Sigh.. will
they find the front door or is this a hopeless mission?
By now the workmen stopped their construction, put the lumber
under the ring, and brought out a pre-made announcer's table by ringside. It's kind of how
they do cooking programs. JR enters with Dr. Death who does tend to look like Death, that
is if Death has a scrunched up face and a body of a very bloated old woman with saggy
tits. This is not a good gimmick for JR (having a scrunched up dude by his side). Anyways,
JR is ready for commentary.
Jarrett and Owen (with Debra) vs. Public Enema. We get a
backstage interview clippage: one of them says, 'Public Enemy will earn respect from the
WWF.' Mm sure.. you can do it as soon as you pack your things and wrestle yourselves out
of the league. Go play a rough extreme game of checkers or something.
Fly Boy's shirt has two big zeros on the back. That's his talent
rating. (or his IQ... B.C.). Grunge gets the guitar hit over his head and of
course they lose. Pesty Insect Boy stands over Grunge seemingly saying, 'Boy do we suck...
I hate you..' Then he should have kicked him. If he did that, maybe we would have respect
Vinnie and Shane are trying to get the cops over to his estate as
well as convince them that this is not a publicity stunt. 'We have the Undertaker and the
Ministry trespassing..' Should have also added in Micky Mouse, Captain Kangeroo and a HUGE
Fozzie the Bear are also on the premises. Vinnie continues, '...you're watching me on
tv??' Silly. That's something we'd even come up with.
Again, the phone rings, Shane picks it up. Shane gives the phone
to Vinnie, says, 'It's HIM..' You mean the guy from the Power Puff Girls?? Vinnie takes
the phone. Shane asks, 'What did he say?' Probably just stuff like, 'bubblabubbla beebeeb
phhht...' and singing Black Magic Woman or something.
Vinnie turns to the Corporation for assistance. Testes, wearing a
skin tone colored shirt, looks rather chubby. His cheeks looked fuller also. Did his bunny
teeth grow? How odd. This is an odd phenomena considering he's not even fat. Maybe he's
puffing up for mating season.
Cage match. PIG enters, engulfed in all his seriousness, he's
deadly, he's part of the Ministry.. he's a serious MF.. he's about to raise his arms to
show the world what a force he is to be reckoned with.... and he fumbles on the ramp. A
lot of help those extra eyes did for you, they couldn't foresee what you were going to
trip on. Ah, it was probably your own feet. So PIG looks at the audience, smirked, then
nodded. 'Yeah that's right, I fucked up.' I would have loved to see all his eyes bulge out
(with that surprised Buckwheat expression) and the camera would slo-mo on him falling over
and rolling down the ramp.
He goes against Boss Man.
|At this point, we realize that Kane and Al Snow are absent in
this show. They must take days off together to hang out with their families. In the recent
RAW magazine, there is a nice family portrait of Al's family but it looked like it was
taken in the 60's. The wife is about a few bobby pins away from a beehive. I think that
was his kid picture. Sorry. It was a sweet picture, a nice picture. A sweet nice picture.
(Aawwwwwww... his kids are so cute!! ...B.C.)
|During this match, Bossman pulls out rope licorice from his vest
pockets. Okay okay, it was just a chain. I'm hungry, that's all. Corporate Team interferes
and a HUGE rabbit comes out. Alright, alright, it was just Testes. Testes TRIED to get in
the cage gracefully but got his foot trapped in the top rope for a few seconds. It seems
that he's sporting denim chinos this time. Or is it just his perky ass that makes all his
pants look like chinos? Hey dude, you're retiring your boy leg briefs?? Your package
stretched them out all in the crotch area, huh?? Then don't let them go to waste, use them
as fanny packs!
Vinnie tells UT that they will destroy PIG (and roast him for
dinner.. I told you I was hungry). By the way, I think PIG's career was destroyed way
before this. But UT doesn't care about the expendable PIG. Cut to Ministry at the front
steps of Vinnie's home, as if they're waiting for their car/ limo service to arrive. Of
course Viscera would need a back-ho for transport.
Vinnie and Shane are trying to make a phone call to their home.
Shane is screaming, 'There's no answer! There's no answer!!' Yo dude, it's alright, you
can leave a message. Just wait for the tone and say, 'Hey it's Shane.. uuuuuuuuuuuuh....
are you there??? .........if you're there.. pick up...... I know you're there.... pick up
the phone.... helllloooooooooo??? PIck up pick up!' The kids just want to hear you make an
idiot of yourself first before they pick up the phone. I do this to my parents all the
time. (My favorite is the ever-popular 'Are you in the bathroom or something??'
Lawler beckons Sable to the ring. Then Tori enters and for a
brief second, I thought they brought Sammy back. Tori looks really masculine in the body
AND face. At least she sounds better on the mic than Sable does.
Sable tells Tori that at Wrestlemania, 'I'll drop the bomb on
you.' One big fart, huh? PPPPPHTHHHTTT. Eat lots of beans, beef patties, and buffalo
wings. Tori then strips. Uh, I'd rather watch... the cameraman filming Stevie putting his
knee brace on from beneath him. (OOOH! My favorite! ...B.C.) The
camera man must have been lieing on the floor. How many nose hairs did you count, Mr.
A cop goes to Vinnie's home, knocks on the door once, 'okay..
nobody there, I'm gone.' Ah.. law enforcement. Like practical jokesters and the UPS, they
just ring the bell once and run away.
We hear, 'Your ass better caaaaall someboooooooo eeeeeeeh!' Hey
Butt, you suck at the mic. At least Dogg can hold a note without cracking his voice. Butt
looks like he has a luggage tag around his neck. In case he gets lost, they will always
know where to ship him back to (hopefully they'll lose him and ship him to Guam).
|Butt vs. Hardcore Holly. We shall call him Hard. That's Mr. Hard
if you're nasty. Bob struts down the ramp like, 'Dat's right.. I'm hard..' Mm, are you?
During this match, Butt puts Holly's head in between his legs to execute a powerbomb but
instead it looks like Butt's nads are hanging low. Perhaps you should think about getting
|Butt at one point, takes a chair from ringside, and
holds it up for the arena to see. 'I'm gonna sit down on this chair, HARDCORE style!!'
Which means he rams his ass on the seat. Butt eventually hits Holly in the nuts which of
course makes Holly's Hard Nuts become peanut butter. Well, peanut butter is yummy. Damn,
Holly is thrown out of the ring and I
imagine he was supposed to break JR's announcer table but it looked like he took a bad
fall. But the show had to go on, and Butt wins the match.
Vinnie is on the phone. I just noticed Shane's shirt
which has the Rock's Bull logo on it.. (like the Bull's Eye Barbecue Sauce Logo) and it
says, The Dork. (It says The Rock.... B.C.). I need new subscriptions for my
contact lenses. Heh.. I know, I know, PREscription. But believe it or not, some people
actually make that mistake. Ya'll think these jokes come out of nowhere???
UT's voice comes in through the speakers again, 'I could see
where we couldn't be found.' To that I say, WHUUUUUHT?? UT continues, 'It's not like we
stand out or anything.' Oh no, especially Viscera, a 500 pound wide ass black dude who
used to wear MC Hammer pants and now has resorted to high-waters (where's the flood, dude)
wearing white contact lenses and sports a blond mohawk. Nah, he definitely doesn't stand
out. Then you've got Gangrel... a bloated tick with a melon head wearing a poet shirt,
fangs next to his canines and boogers coming out of his nose laughing like a hyena. Well,
in New York, he'd be considered the norm but...
UT continues again, 'I know what time she's expected home,
Vince.' Unless she stops off at WaWa.. for some Pringles, a submarine sandwich and a Big
Gulp. Then the Ministry will just have to wait for her to get home. They can pass the time
by looking at their watches, order some pizza, play parchese. Gangrel and Viscera can talk
about Tai Bo and how much it could help them.
UT then says, 'and I will be here to greet her...' Aw, it would
be nice to get home to see UT there, wearing an apron and Looney Tunes oven mits, cooking
my dinner and greeting me from a hard day at work.
'Or I can torture her....' How? By singing gothic tunes to her??
With the UT's deep and low monotonous voice, he certainly can't sing happy pappy tunes. No
Oom Bop for the dead man. So how are you gonna torture her, UT?? I have a suggestion. She
can watch Gangrel eat something messy, like barbecue ribs so that he'll be picking in
between his teeth, licking his fingers and making snorting noises. That should make her
puke and defecate at the same time (the 'two pieholes going at once' move) and then she'll
HHH enters the ring, addresses Kane. He said, 'Kane-uuuh...' HHH
always adds 'uh's' after everything he says. 'You-uh playuh withuh fire-uh, you're-uh
gonna-uh get-uh .. you know.. burned-uh.'
Kaney comes out, starts beating on HHH. Then Vinnie comes out to
ask for Kane's help with UT.
Anyways, I was wise to the fact that it was UT pretending to be
Kane. Though they are similar in height and frame, Kane definitely has more muscle mass
and is perkier in the boob and ass. The body language differs as well. However, Bostin
wasn't as quick to this fact. Just a split second before UT took the Kane mask off, she
said, '... hhhHHHEEEEYY!!' Good thing she didn't say this AFTER UT took the mask off. I
would have taken all her wrestling priviledges away... her WWF checks, wrestling buddies,
action figures, floppy hats, pens, pool sticks, Steveweisers, Rocks, Chef Boyardees,
wrestling girdles, Snow blowers.. OH!
Also another give-away was the fact that UT's badger (that's what
Bostin calls his beard) was protruding from the mask. A beard like that could come in
handy as storage for smaller items. Pens, toothbrush, money... it's better than a fanny
Rock enters. Hey Rock, show us your tits. I petition that the
audience starts chanting that when Rock enters an arena. I wanna see them! Perhaps the
surgeon placed the nipple at an unhealthy angle. Like the Shamrock's or Ultimate Warrior's
nips, they point out sideways. Big Thing comes out.. wearing Dan Severn's old turtleneck
panties. Dan has retired his huge panties and they fit perfectly on That Thing with much
room to spare.
Rock and Wight vs. Mankind and Austin.
Hardcore Potatoe?? Hardcore Spud?
We couldn't really make this out. It looked like a
peanut, a potatoe, a kidney, or a pinto bean. Any which way, I'm hungry.
It's reported that Wight has a size 20 foot. What the hell.
That's the size of Bostin's fish tank. (BTW, it's a 55 gallon tank ... B.C.)
We imagine it's rather hard for him to walk up a flight of stairs without teetering
backwards. Therefore he probably has to walk sideways.. or do the Penguin walk.
Now a way to defeat The Big One would be to pull his panties all
the way up and over his head so that he can't see and his movements are constricted. Then
tip him over and sew him onto the mat. Whatta ya mean it won't work. It worked for Bugs
Bunny. (That's plenty of proof for me! ...B.C.)
|Rock reveals the Rock Crack and thankfully there were no tan
lines. At least it wasn't like Austin's Great White Ass. Mm, we normally have a theory
about wrestler cracks. Whoever reveals crack doesn't win the match. We're unable to tell
if he lost the match since the program ended with all participants still beating on each
other so I guess we'll have to wait for the results next Raw. It could have been a draw
which would leave our theory intact. That theory being: Crack Kills ... your chance of
winning a match.
|Now Chokee is going
to tend to her 50,000 mosquito bites and eat everything in the house.