By Chokee Slam
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Albany, NY

Austin is on his way to the arena and is easily sidetracked by the 18-wheeler filled with Coors Light, which of course, is his dinner.

Very frightening animated DX signs doing crotch chops.

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However, they all just look like they got hit in the nuts. Then they'd be able to sing any and all Bee Gees tunes. Or 'Kiss' by Prince.

Rock, Vinnie and Shane enters. As Vinnie is walking down the the aisle, we see a sign behind him: VINCE RULES. In all his smugnacity (I know that's not a word but it never hurts to make them up), (Hey, I say if you make up a word, and we all know what you mean, then it's a word! ...B.C.) Vince's body language says, 'Yeah, that's right. I rule... did I mention that I rule?? By the way.. Me.. Rule. Dat's right.' He's like Shaft.. one bad mother. Well.. father. Actually he's perhaps a good father. raw115.jpg (19525 bytes)
Shane addresses X-Pac, 'I can take you, X-Pac cuz I have your number.' Well obviously, if you have his phone number, of course you can take him out. That is if X-Pac obliges. Shane's got money so he better take him out somewhere nice and expensive, a place where they put those little umbrellas in the drinks. Shane challenges X-Pac to a 'Greenwich Streetfight'. I guess someone forgot to tell Shane that's he's in Albany.

Rock illustration as signage.

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What the hell is wrong with that eye?? It's hanging down to his cheek. He's Rocki-Modo, the Corporate Monster. And why is there a clove of garlic where his nose should be? I see, it's subliminal. It means there will soon be an angle in which Rock will square off against the Ministry, huh?? I get it. It's our little secret. The kid next to the sign looks pretty embarassed to be standing next to that travesty though.

Rock addresses Austin, '... without a shad of a doubt...' What's a shad? A drunk Chad, I guess. To continue: '..end the career of that Texas trailer park trash walking Stone Cold Steve Austin.' Is his name Walking Stone Cold Steve Austin now? Like Walker Texas Ranger? Actually, when I wasn't fully paying attention to Rock's speech, I only heard, 'Trailer park trash walking Stone Cold Steve Austin' which sounds more like an Enquirer headline. Trailer Park Trash (i.e. Sable) Walks Steve Austin. Make sure you bring the BIGGEST pooper scooper ever made. Better yet, just bring a shovel. Hey, Austin is a big man, he must eat HUGE meals.

Mankind enters into the conversation, says he wants to ref the Austin/ Big Wight match on Raw but he must beat Rock first. Meanwhile, the back of Rock's neck is beaded with sweat. I think he's melting. Or he'll be like an ancient scroll where if you blow on him, he'll disintegrate into dust.

At this point, we get a shot of Vince and what looks to be a cold sore on his lip. He's got herpes?

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Austin drives into the arena with the Coors Light truck. Man, Austin can drive just about anything. He's got a license to drive a forklift, a zamboni, an ambulance, the Limosaurus, cement truck and the 18 wheeler. This case of Automobile Envy could be a result of him not getting that Hot Wheels when he was a kid. So as he got older, he went ballistic. Now there's nothing he can't drive.. he even drove his wife away. OH! Sorry. Hey for all you girls lusting for Stevie, he's getting a divorce. He likes older women. Actually, seems many wrestlers (which includes Rock, Mankind, and Al Snow) like older women. Except maybe Testes. He's going for the hot young ones. Can we say Jail and Bait?

Okay, maybe not that young.

Austin says to the audience, 'If you're ready for Wrestlemania, give me a Hell Yeah.' The audience chimes in, 'Hell Yeah!' I bet there were some lost ones out there chanting, 'Tag team champions of the wooooorld... uh.. whoops.. sorry.' Anyways, then Austin should have said, 'if you're all sheep, give me a BAAAAAAAH!!' I'll be bah'ing away when I attend a live event, I'm sure. Hey, I never said I was above sheepage.

Austin rags on Rock about all his catch phrases. ' talk about Jabroni drive.. Jesus.. son..' Austin should have continued, 'Just stop with all the catch phrases and that's the bottom line cause Stone Cold said so.' Whoops. Austin then hoses Rock, Vinnie and Shane with beer. Yo, that's just a waste of beer. It's alcohol abuse. Austin then takes a can of beer and guzzles that. Why drink from the can when you could have just stuck your face in front of the hose and drank from there? You'd be sloshed in record time.

Photo still of Austin and Big Wightie. I wonder if Austin knows that there's a big mutant growth on his left shoulder. He better see a doctor and cut it off.  (He looks like he's disturbed, like he's thinking 'I better get this removed, people are starting to stare' ...B.C.) raw117.jpg (24437 bytes)
Clip of Jim Ross at some frat party which is basically a mock of WCW's Spring Break segments. I'd like to make a statement to WCW. Now, during the time when Motley Crue had cameos in the WWF, I wrote in a Raw report all these other bands or people that would have been more interesting than Crue. Ricki Rachtman was one of the things I mentioned. I have something to say to you guys. I WAS JOKING!!!! CAN'T YOU ALL UNDERSTAND A JOKE???!!

Back to the frat party. JR's date was Dr. Death which is a horrible sight to behold so we pay mind to their surroundings.

There's Jaws (alright, he's just a dude with a hell of a lot of teeth) and he looks about ready to chomp down on Small Head sitting in front of him, who is unknowing of the fate that awaits him. Then there's Quentin Tarantino, Ian Zeiring (don't know if I spelled that right and happy that I don't), singer from Madness, and Danny Bonaducci. Wow, a smorgasbord of people that... uh.. no one really cares about these days. raw118.jpg (26900 bytes)
Owen and Jarrett (with Debra) vs. Edge and Gangrel (accompanied by Christian). We've figured out why Edge is always grinning madly. He's got more teeth than the average person, therefore, he just can't close his mouth. Poor guy.

During this match, BC points out that Gangrel made a weird face. He didn't have to MAKE a weird face, he was born with it. What ingredients are needed to make a weird face anyways. A dash of ugly, a pinch of grotesque and generous amount of bulging eyeballs.

Christian interferes in the match and the ref is oblivious that he and Edge are trading off. Oh well, those were part of the credentials he needed to become a ref so I'd say he's doing his job just fine. Just when Owen puts Edge in a sharpshooter, Public Enema runs in and the lights go out. Lights on and Debra got a nice blood bath. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought she looked like one huge tampon (since she was wearing a white suit). Even Jarrett looked at her like, 'Whoa... I know she has her period but it never got that bad...' The medical terminology would be 'hardcore menstruation'.

That was disgusting.

Dogg and Butt are being interviewed backstage by some unknown skinny looking art student. They can pick their teeth with him. Someone give that kid a Seagrams cooler, that'll knock him out cold. Dogg and Butt are scheduled to wrestle each other. Dogg seems to have this predilection for spelling out some of what he says. I can play along. Hey Dogg, S-T-U-P-I-D-H-E-A-D. Before Dogg walks away, he says, 'I'll see your ass at ringside.' But it's actually Butt that ends up checking out Dogg's ass. After all, his moniker is Mr. Ass.

Dogg enters, drinking his bottle of water. That's hardcore water, huh? (It's ice!.... B.C.) Dogg starts that speech yet again. He says, 'I'm not gonna like this.' Then don't say it, for cryin' out loud. But he does it anyways.. 'ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..' You know it's really scary when I'm in my apartment and I hear someone walking by outside on the street saying this speech. That's when I realized that this world is going to hell. (In a handbasket, even ... B.C.)

Dogg does the 'champion of the world' speech and the camera manages to find the guy in the audience who just cannot follow along. Now remember, I'm sensei of lipreading. The guy is saying, 'I've heard this speech ten thousand times and I still can't get it right. Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery.' Mm.. well maybe he didn't say 'thousand'.  (Have you ever noticed that the camera always manages to pick up the people who just can't get it right?? ... B.C.)

Match is on. During this bout, Dogg reveals his pasty white underarms to a fallen Butt. DAMN! It's equivalent to staring straight into the sun. They're like headlights. If Dogg flapped his arms, they'd be blinkers.

Meanwhile, I'm preoccupied with my sock which is rotating itself around my foot so that it's all mangley shaped. Thankfully my underwear doesn't do this.

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Al Snow, Goldust and Venis interfere in the match. Lawler screams, 'Where did all these guys come from??' As if you didn't know, Jerry. They came from a ranch in Texas or New Jersey that breeds wrestlers. Actually, these particular three just came from huddling over the deli trays backstage. It was filet mignon that night. Mmmm.

Patterson and Crisco are getting coffee for Vinnie but are attacked by LOD. We're supposed to care? I care more about the coffee. Was it flavored? Chock Full O'Nuts or A&P brand?

Bluedust enters in the ring, makes a challenge to Shamrock. He wants SHAMROCK to come out, he's sick of SHAMROCK. So uh... Blue... I didn't quite get who it was you wanted to challenge. Anyways, Kenny's entrance music cues in, and ..hey Kenny, what happened to you. You got boobs! Dyed your hair, grew it out, plucked your eyebrows. My goodness, what have we said before about succumbing to the WWF's wishes for their employees to get plastic surgery? Look what they did to you. You'll never be able to wrestle with those boobs. The new butt is an improvement though.

Okay okay, it is Ryan Shamrock that answered the challenge. Bluedust takes her over one leg and gives her a spanking. Of course Kenny runs in followed by Goldust who rammed his head into Kenny butt. Kenny's butt was so mortified, it retracted in horror ('OOH, I feel Man Face on my ass! RETREAT! RETREAT!'). Kenny is left with a big black blotch on his heiny which looks like a bad accident after the digestion of black beans. raw120.jpg (18538 bytes)
The make-up lady is putting Sable's face on. I think the make-up lady should be fired for not doing a good job. Oh, check out Sable's spare horse hair extension in the background. I suppose that's been growing there for awhile, like it did when Jacqueline had it attached to her hair. raw121.jpg (19119 bytes)
PIG, Acolytes, Viscera and UT are walking backstage. Bradshaw was sporting sunglasses, a jockey shirt and cap. I barely recognized him since he actually looked good! My, how posh, how suave. Now let's see the spurs, chaps, cowboy boots and hat, Hoss. We know you still keep them as momentos in your burlap sack.
Sable vs. Ivory. The Ivory footage on the Titantron shows her with this pained expression. Perhaps she was running her fingers through her hair and 3 strands got snagged. That really really really really hurts. Actually what hurt more was my spraying Bactine on a paper cut. Here's an artist's rendition of my expression when this happened: yell.jpg (13035 bytes)

Ivory enters the ring and she's got that 'just got fucked' looked, meaning her hair was just a messy pile on top of her head. Anyways, it's a shame that Ivory has to job to Sable, who doesn't really do much except gyrate like Venis. Leave the gyrating to someone who at least has an ass. So Ivory, who has more experience wrestling, was unable to fully execute some moves due to Sable's lack of brain function. Those memos just weren't traveling fast enough from her brain to her body parts. The silicone valleys were quite a hurdle.

Tori runs in.. and gets beat up. I'd like to make a suggestion to those who are running into the ring to attack their enemy. Be discreet. You know, the Greeks didn't come running out of the Trojan Horse screaming like banshees until they were past the gates of Troy, right? So, I would suggest some camouflage clothing or pretend to be a spectator or cover yourself with a cloth and pretend to be a chair or tippy toe from ring post to ring post (looney tunes style) or crawl on the floor (SWAT style) (but don't do the hut hut's)...  (Funny, I'm picturing someone really big, like Mark Henry, hiding behind ringposts, loony tunes style... B.C.)

Mankind vs. Rock.

Signage: Hey, did you Bark at the Moon before you got on the Crazy Train to get to the venue and then bumped into your ole good friend, Mr. Crowley?? (I can't remember any of the name of his more recent songs. This isn't a bad thing, by the way).

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Wight interferes in this match, chokeslams Mankind therefore disqualifying the Rock due to interference. So Mankind gets to ref the Austin/ Wight match. I'm happy for you, man. Give me a hug.

Flashback of past Wrestlemanias highlights. One of them is George Steele wrestling a ... porcupine?

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Austin is backstage wearing his new shirt. I think that one should be called The Karate Rattlesnake. It's atrocious. It's ugly. It's just disgusting. I would probably buy it.
Austin also sports some loose shorts which looks more like a skirt. (He's gonna be the new Headbanger...B.C.) Actually, he's just a few inches of fabric away from knickers. Ah, our eyes veer to what's important though; Stevie's willy is jutting out. Supposedly, Stevie is going to do a 'Got Milk?' advertisement. I'd like to put my two cents in and say, 'Got Lump?'  (One lump or two??  EEEEEWWwww.... B.C.) raw123.jpg (16944 bytes)
Kane enters the ring. Two little crew guys are crouched over and following him out from backstage. They're like pilot fish and Kane is the shark. Uh Vince, I'd like to submit my application for the position of Kane's pilot fish.
Kane gets in the ring and we see his mouth moving under the mask. He's probably telling the ref, 'You better move away from the corners you dumb ass, unless you want to be toast.' Kane lifts his arms up and a crazy little girl runs in the ring and tickles his armpits. Alright alright, I am allowed my fantasy, okay? All I have in my life is a dollar and a dream. And this website. A dollar, a dream and this website. Oh.. and a cup of water. A dollar, a dream, this website and... Heh. Just kidding. raw124.jpg (9067 bytes)
Kane vs. Goldust. Goldust has different make-up, different wig, and a different nose. Actually I focused more on the wig but suspected that something was amiss because Goldust actually looked better for some reason. Camera cuts to Kane thinking, 'Hey, I know who you are.. I read the script.' Indeed. (Actually, I think he was thinking 'HURRY UP, I'M DRYING!!! ...B.C.)  Turns out it was HHH disguised as the Gold one. Just as realization hit me, HHH's nose practically Pinocchio'd out. HHH takes out a bazooka and blasts Kane with a mondo fireball. I hope that mask was flame retardant. We know that HHH is definitely WAY retardant. Oops. Sorry. That was Roseanne's joke. But it was a good one.
HEY! Check out Liam Neesom in the audience. Yo Rob Roy! I'm sure there are many closet WWF fans out there. I think Howard Stern is one of them.

Hardcore Holly crashes JR's frat party and he and Death start going at it. Go Hard! Hard! Hard! Hard! Everyone chant! Hard!

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The battle gets taken through the 'dorm' and Death throws someone's term paper at Holly. I'm sure there's some poor dude somewhere screaming, 'NOOOOO! NOT MY TERM PAPER!!! FIFTY CUPS OF COFFEE TO DO THAT TERM PAPER!!! RAAARGH!!' Am I over-exaggerating? The battle continues into the kitchen as Death throws a bag of frozen peas at Holly. OH NO, NOT THE PEAS!! Actually, there's no way that a college dorm refrigerator would contain vegetables of any kind. Let's be realistic. There should have been drugs, frozen pizzas, beef patties, beer, a tub of White Castles and fuzzy green things that might move if you poke them.

We see the Rescue of the Week which is a Raw happening of last month. I don't know, but I think WWF doesn't know how to tell time.

Shane is waiting for X-Pac in the parking lot. This was a pretty predictable segment, but still.. X-Pac is someone that I slip in and out of lust with. One moment, I think he's geeky for being the happiest boy in the world, the next he's a hot stud. GO figure. X-Pac makes his way out to the lot to meet Shane. He fiercely kicks the door open.. and his body pauses seemingly expecting the door to kick him back in the face. I suppose the fierceness coupled with a slight uncertainty is what makes him geekily sexy. I'm outta control with these made-up words.

X-Pac spin kicks Shane and starts wailing on him with some good convincing shots. Then Shane's Greenwich friends run in to attack X. They were more like the Clutzy Preppy Gang Wearing Dockers. Shane takes a cheap shot at X's Pac and run off. At this point we notice one of the Dockers Gang is NOT wearing his Dockers!! You better kick him out of the posse. That's just not right. It's like the Mickey Mouse club. You HAVE to wear the ears!!

Just as we're enthralled seeing X-Pac running after The Dockers Gang, Undertaker's face pops on the screen. The following is an account of all our reactions. 'AAAH!!' It was definitely a shock to the system. It's just that the camera got up too close. He's got good skin though. No noticeable clogged pores. He must use Biore. raw126.jpg (7682 bytes)
Testes, Boss Man and Shamrock vs. Undertaker and Acolytes. A beach ball is being tossed about in the audience. They're as enthralled of the match as we are, huh? We've chosen to count the amount of pockets that Boss Man has in his ensemble. Let's see, four pockets on the cargo vest, two butt pockets on the cargo pants, one on each leg, probably two in front. That makes 57 pockets, right? Wow, he doesn't even have to carry a suitcase to travel with.

The lights go out.. and then it cuts to commercial. We don't even know what happened. I guess it's just off to the deli tray they went. UT was going to feast on some steak tar tar.

Vince enters wearing his wrinkled jacket and no shirt. You could have easily gone to the concession stand and bought a shirt. An Austin shirt even. Vinnie enters the ring.. and in the background, I could have sworn I saw beef jerky flying by the screen. Snap into it.. oh yeah.

Oh God, I've watched too much wrestling my WHOLE life!

Vinnie decides to replay the beer bath segment. Camera cuts to the immobile Vinnie. He's completely cracked, off his rocker. Hey pa, Wilbur's gone stir crazy, call the paddy wagon. We're just waiting for the drool to start slivering down the corner of his mouth and eventually, all the wrestlers would come out and start drawing graffiti all over him. raw127.jpg (12299 bytes)
Well this doesn't happen.

Big Wightie enters, sucking his gut in. Who ya tryin' to fool?? Once he lets his gut go free, he looks about 9 months pregnant. Actually he's got a Captain Kirk type of body. It's really flabby yet he's still big and all he's doing is sucking his gut in. At least he's not wearing high-water flares with the Beatle boots like Captain Kirk did. I'm surprised he wasn't lynched on every planet he visited.

Wightie stands in the corner, waiting for his match to start. He's got his leg bent, his hands laid gently on the ropes. Can we say 'Pansy'? raw128.jpg (19941 bytes)
Austin enters and we realize that he has a different vest. Normally he wears the 'BMF' vest which has 'Hell Yeah' on the back of it (to which we'd like to add an 'O' to the end of Hell.. just for kicks). This vest has 'Stone Cold' on the back. We'd like to stick a 'D' after Stone.. just for kicks. Then of course, WE would get ourselves KICKED out of the arena so fast if we EVER sabotaged him this way.

By the way, I've also noticed that Stevie's got long fingers. (You say that like it's a bad thing...B.C.) Mm, well, you know what long fingers mean, huh?? ...... Stretched out gloves.


Mankind is special ref and the Rock does commentary. He should comment on Wight's big girdle. (It'd be called a GUYdle, right??..B.C.) And if men wore bras, it'd be a bro. Cole reports now that Wight has size 22 feet. I do believe last week they were only 20 feet. (ONLY??!) Are they still growing?? They're about the size of Bostin's leg! At one point, Austin crotches Wight in between the pole right in his coconuts. Wight's nads are probably the size of coconuts but hopefully they're not as hairy and brown.

Rock is doing commentary and I ask.. Do you HAVE to use every single catch phrase one hundred times before you use them another one hundred times??

Austin wins after he hits a chair on Wight's ass which of course is just the same as hitting him on the head. No diff. OH! Wight becomes so irate that he got beat by Stevie.. that he goes to beat up Mankind. Geez. If your dad insults you, do you go and beat up your mom?

Rock enters the ring since he's filled his quota of saying his catch phrases two hundred times already so he's got some spare time to beat up on Stevie, which is probably a lighter beating than Stevie got from his ex-wife. OH.

Chokee stop now.

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