By Chokee Slam
on his way to the arena and is easily sidetracked by the 18-wheeler filled with Coors
Light, which of course, is his dinner.
Very frightening animated DX signs doing crotch chops.
However, they all just look like they got hit in the nuts. Then
they'd be able to sing any and all Bee Gees tunes. Or 'Kiss' by Prince.
|Rock, Vinnie and Shane enters. As Vinnie is walking down the the
aisle, we see a sign behind him: VINCE RULES. In all his smugnacity (I know that's not a
word but it never hurts to make them up), (Hey, I say if you make up a word, and we
all know what you mean, then it's a word! ...B.C.) Vince's body language says, 'Yeah,
that's right. I rule... did I mention that I rule?? By the way.. Me.. Rule. Dat's right.'
He's like Shaft.. one bad mother. Well.. father. Actually he's perhaps a good father.
|Shane addresses X-Pac, 'I can take you, X-Pac cuz I
have your number.' Well obviously, if you have his phone number, of course you can take
him out. That is if X-Pac obliges. Shane's got money so he better take him out somewhere
nice and expensive, a place where they put those little umbrellas in the drinks. Shane
challenges X-Pac to a 'Greenwich Streetfight'. I guess someone forgot to tell Shane that's
he's in Albany.
Rock illustration as signage.
What the hell is wrong with that eye?? It's hanging down to his
cheek. He's Rocki-Modo, the Corporate Monster. And why is there a clove of garlic where
his nose should be? I see, it's subliminal. It means there will soon be an angle in which
Rock will square off against the Ministry, huh?? I get it. It's our little secret. The kid
next to the sign looks pretty embarassed to be standing next to that travesty though.
Rock addresses Austin, '... without a shad of a doubt...' What's
a shad? A drunk Chad, I guess. To continue: '..end the career of that Texas trailer park
trash walking Stone Cold Steve Austin.' Is his name Walking Stone Cold Steve
Austin now? Like Walker Texas Ranger? Actually, when I wasn't fully paying attention to
Rock's speech, I only heard, 'Trailer park trash walking Stone Cold Steve Austin' which
sounds more like an Enquirer headline. Trailer Park Trash (i.e. Sable) Walks Steve Austin.
Make sure you bring the BIGGEST pooper scooper ever made. Better yet, just bring a shovel.
Hey, Austin is a big man, he must eat HUGE meals.
|Mankind enters into the conversation, says he wants to ref the
Austin/ Big Wight match on Raw but he must beat Rock first. Meanwhile, the back of Rock's
neck is beaded with sweat. I think he's melting. Or he'll be like an ancient scroll where
if you blow on him, he'll disintegrate into dust.
point, we get a shot of Vince and what looks to be a cold sore on his lip. He's got
|Austin drives into the arena with the Coors Light
truck. Man, Austin can drive just about anything. He's got a license to drive a forklift,
a zamboni, an ambulance, the Limosaurus, cement truck and the 18 wheeler. This case of
Automobile Envy could be a result of him not getting that Hot Wheels when he was a kid. So
as he got older, he went ballistic. Now there's nothing he can't drive.. he even drove his
wife away. OH! Sorry. Hey for all you girls lusting for Stevie, he's getting a divorce. He
likes older women. Actually, seems many wrestlers (which includes Rock, Mankind, and Al
Snow) like older women. Except maybe Testes. He's going for the hot young ones. Can we say
Jail and Bait?
Okay, maybe not that young.
Austin says to the audience, 'If you're ready for Wrestlemania,
give me a Hell Yeah.' The audience chimes in, 'Hell Yeah!' I bet there were some lost ones
out there chanting, 'Tag team champions of the wooooorld... uh.. whoops.. sorry.' Anyways,
then Austin should have said, 'if you're all sheep, give me a BAAAAAAAH!!' I'll be bah'ing
away when I attend a live event, I'm sure. Hey, I never said I was above sheepage.
Austin rags on Rock about all his catch phrases. '..you talk
about Jabroni drive.. Jesus.. son..' Austin should have continued, 'Just stop with all the
catch phrases and that's the bottom line cause Stone Cold said so.' Whoops. Austin then
hoses Rock, Vinnie and Shane with beer. Yo, that's just a waste of beer. It's alcohol
abuse. Austin then takes a can of beer and guzzles that. Why drink from the can when you
could have just stuck your face in front of the hose and drank from there? You'd be
sloshed in record time.
|Photo still of Austin and Big Wightie. I wonder if Austin knows
that there's a big mutant growth on his left shoulder. He better see a doctor and cut it
off. (He looks like he's disturbed, like he's thinking 'I better get this
removed, people are starting to stare' ...B.C.)
|Clip of Jim Ross at some frat party which is
basically a mock of WCW's Spring Break segments. I'd like to make a statement to WCW. Now,
during the time when Motley Crue had cameos in the WWF, I wrote in a Raw report all these
other bands or people that would have been more interesting than Crue. Ricki Rachtman was
one of the things I mentioned. I have something to say to you guys. I WAS JOKING!!!! CAN'T
YOU ALL UNDERSTAND A JOKE???!!
Back to the frat party. JR's
date was Dr. Death which is a horrible sight to behold so we pay mind to their
|There's Jaws (alright, he's just a dude with a hell of a lot of
teeth) and he looks about ready to chomp down on Small Head sitting in front of him, who
is unknowing of the fate that awaits him. Then there's Quentin Tarantino, Ian Zeiring
(don't know if I spelled that right and happy that I don't), singer from Madness, and
Danny Bonaducci. Wow, a smorgasbord of people that... uh.. no one really cares about these
|Owen and Jarrett (with Debra) vs. Edge and Gangrel
(accompanied by Christian). We've figured out why Edge is always grinning madly. He's got
more teeth than the average person, therefore, he just can't close his mouth. Poor guy.
During this match, BC points out that Gangrel made a weird face. He didn't
have to MAKE a weird face, he was born with it. What ingredients are needed to make a
weird face anyways. A dash of ugly, a pinch of grotesque and generous amount of bulging
Christian interferes in the match and the ref is oblivious that
he and Edge are trading off. Oh well, those were part of the credentials he needed to
become a ref so I'd say he's doing his job just fine. Just when Owen puts Edge in a
sharpshooter, Public Enema runs in and the lights go out. Lights on and Debra got a nice
blood bath. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought she looked like one huge tampon
(since she was wearing a white suit). Even Jarrett looked at her like, 'Whoa... I know she
has her period but it never got that bad...' The medical terminology would be
That was disgusting.
Dogg and Butt are being interviewed backstage by some unknown
skinny looking art student. They can pick their teeth with him. Someone give that kid a
Seagrams cooler, that'll knock him out cold. Dogg and Butt are scheduled to wrestle each
other. Dogg seems to have this predilection for spelling out some of what he says. I can
play along. Hey Dogg, S-T-U-P-I-D-H-E-A-D. Before Dogg walks away, he says, 'I'll see your
ass at ringside.' But it's actually Butt that ends up checking out Dogg's ass. After all,
his moniker is Mr. Ass.
Dogg enters, drinking his bottle of water. That's hardcore water,
huh? (It's ice!.... B.C.) Dogg starts that speech yet again. He says, 'I'm not
gonna like this.' Then don't say it, for cryin' out loud. But he does it anyways.. 'ladies
and gentlemen, children of all ages..' You know it's really scary when I'm in my apartment
and I hear someone walking by outside on the street saying this speech. That's
when I realized that this world is going to hell. (In a handbasket, even ... B.C.)
Dogg does the 'champion of the world' speech and the camera
manages to find the guy in the audience who just cannot follow along. Now remember, I'm
sensei of lipreading. The guy is saying, 'I've heard this speech ten thousand times and I
still can't get it right. Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery.' Mm.. well maybe
he didn't say 'thousand'. (Have you ever noticed that the camera always manages
to pick up the people who just can't get it right?? ... B.C.)
|Match is on. During this bout, Dogg reveals his pasty white
underarms to a fallen Butt. DAMN! It's equivalent to staring straight into the sun.
They're like headlights. If Dogg flapped his arms, they'd be blinkers.
Meanwhile, I'm preoccupied with my sock which is rotating itself around my
foot so that it's all mangley shaped. Thankfully my underwear doesn't do this.
|Al Snow, Goldust and Venis interfere in the match.
Lawler screams, 'Where did all these guys come from??' As if you didn't know, Jerry. They
came from a ranch in Texas or New Jersey that breeds wrestlers. Actually, these particular
three just came from huddling over the deli trays backstage. It was filet mignon that
Patterson and Crisco are getting coffee for
Vinnie but are attacked by LOD. We're supposed to care? I care more about the coffee. Was
it flavored? Chock Full O'Nuts or A&P brand?
Bluedust enters in the ring, makes a challenge to Shamrock. He
wants SHAMROCK to come out, he's sick of SHAMROCK. So uh... Blue... I didn't quite get who
it was you wanted to challenge. Anyways, Kenny's entrance music cues in, and ..hey Kenny,
what happened to you. You got boobs! Dyed your hair, grew it out, plucked your eyebrows.
My goodness, what have we said before about succumbing to the WWF's wishes for their
employees to get plastic surgery? Look what they did to you. You'll never be able to
wrestle with those boobs. The new butt is an improvement though.
|Okay okay, it is Ryan Shamrock that answered the challenge.
Bluedust takes her over one leg and gives her a spanking. Of course Kenny runs in followed
by Goldust who rammed his head into Kenny butt. Kenny's butt was so mortified, it
retracted in horror ('OOH, I feel Man Face on my ass! RETREAT! RETREAT!'). Kenny is left
with a big black blotch on his heiny which looks like a bad accident after the digestion
of black beans.
|The make-up lady is putting Sable's face on. I think the make-up
lady should be fired for not doing a good job. Oh, check out Sable's spare horse hair
extension in the background. I suppose that's been growing there for awhile, like it did
when Jacqueline had it attached to her hair.
|PIG, Acolytes, Viscera and UT are walking backstage.
Bradshaw was sporting sunglasses, a jockey shirt and cap. I barely recognized him since he
actually looked good! My, how posh, how suave. Now let's see the spurs, chaps, cowboy
boots and hat, Hoss. We know you still keep them as momentos in your burlap sack.
|Sable vs. Ivory. The Ivory footage on the Titantron shows her
with this pained expression. Perhaps she was running her fingers through her hair and 3
strands got snagged. That really really really really hurts. Actually what hurt more was
my spraying Bactine on a paper cut. Here's an artist's rendition of my expression when
Ivory enters the ring and she's got that 'just got fucked'
looked, meaning her hair was just a messy pile on top of her head. Anyways, it's a shame
that Ivory has to job to Sable, who doesn't really do much except gyrate like Venis. Leave
the gyrating to someone who at least has an ass. So Ivory, who has more experience
wrestling, was unable to fully execute some moves due to Sable's lack of brain function.
Those memos just weren't traveling fast enough from her brain to her body parts. The
silicone valleys were quite a hurdle.
Tori runs in.. and gets beat up. I'd like to make a suggestion to
those who are running into the ring to attack their enemy. Be discreet.
You know, the Greeks didn't come running out of the Trojan Horse screaming like banshees
until they were past the gates of Troy, right? So, I would suggest some
camouflage clothing or pretend to be a spectator or cover yourself with a cloth and
pretend to be a chair or tippy toe from ring post to ring post (looney tunes style) or
crawl on the floor (SWAT style) (but don't do the hut hut's)... (Funny, I'm
picturing someone really big, like Mark Henry, hiding behind ringposts, loony tunes
Mankind vs. Rock.
|Signage: Hey, did you Bark at the Moon before you got on the
Crazy Train to get to the venue and then bumped into your ole good friend, Mr. Crowley??
(I can't remember any of the name of his more recent songs. This isn't a bad thing, by the
|Wight interferes in this match, chokeslams Mankind therefore
disqualifying the Rock due to interference. So Mankind gets to ref the Austin/ Wight
match. I'm happy for you, man. Give me a hug.
past Wrestlemanias highlights. One of them is George Steele wrestling a ... porcupine?
|Austin is backstage wearing his new shirt. I think
that one should be called The Karate Rattlesnake. It's atrocious. It's ugly. It's just
disgusting. I would probably buy it.
|Austin also sports some loose shorts which looks more like a
skirt. (He's gonna be the new Headbanger...B.C.) Actually, he's just a few inches
of fabric away from knickers. Ah, our eyes veer to what's important though; Stevie's willy
is jutting out. Supposedly, Stevie is going to do a 'Got Milk?' advertisement. I'd like to
put my two cents in and say, 'Got Lump?' (One lump or two?? EEEEEWWwww....
|Kane enters the ring. Two little crew guys are
crouched over and following him out from backstage. They're like pilot fish and Kane is
the shark. Uh Vince, I'd like to submit my application for the position of Kane's pilot
|Kane gets in the ring and we see his mouth moving under the
mask. He's probably telling the ref, 'You better move away from the corners you dumb ass,
unless you want to be toast.' Kane lifts his arms up and a crazy little girl runs in the
ring and tickles his armpits. Alright alright, I am allowed my fantasy, okay? All I have
in my life is a dollar and a dream. And this website. A dollar, a dream and this website.
Oh.. and a cup of water. A dollar, a dream, this website and... Heh. Just kidding.
|Kane vs. Goldust. Goldust has different make-up,
different wig, and a different nose. Actually I focused more on the wig but suspected that
something was amiss because Goldust actually looked better for some reason. Camera cuts to
Kane thinking, 'Hey, I know who you are.. I read the script.' Indeed. (Actually, I
think he was thinking 'HURRY UP, I'M DRYING!!! ...B.C.) Turns out it was HHH
disguised as the Gold one. Just as realization hit me, HHH's nose practically Pinocchio'd
out. HHH takes out a bazooka and blasts Kane with a mondo fireball. I hope that mask was
flame retardant. We know that HHH is definitely WAY retardant. Oops. Sorry. That was
Roseanne's joke. But it was a good one.
|HEY! Check out Liam Neesom in the audience. Yo Rob Roy! I'm sure
there are many closet WWF fans out there. I think Howard Stern is one of them.
Hardcore Holly crashes JR's frat party and he and Death start going at it.
Go Hard! Hard! Hard! Hard! Everyone chant! Hard!
The battle gets taken through the 'dorm' and
Death throws someone's term paper at Holly. I'm sure there's some poor dude somewhere
screaming, 'NOOOOO! NOT MY TERM PAPER!!! FIFTY CUPS OF COFFEE TO DO THAT TERM PAPER!!!
RAAARGH!!' Am I over-exaggerating? The battle continues into the kitchen as Death throws a
bag of frozen peas at Holly. OH NO, NOT THE PEAS!! Actually, there's no way that a college
dorm refrigerator would contain vegetables of any kind. Let's be realistic. There should
have been drugs, frozen pizzas, beef patties, beer, a tub of White Castles and fuzzy green
things that might move if you poke them.
We see the Rescue of the Week which is a Raw happening of last
month. I don't know, but I think WWF doesn't know how to tell time.
Shane is waiting for X-Pac in the parking lot. This was a pretty
predictable segment, but still.. X-Pac is someone that I slip in and out of lust with. One
moment, I think he's geeky for being the happiest boy in the world, the next he's a hot
stud. GO figure. X-Pac makes his way out to the lot to meet Shane. He fiercely kicks the
door open.. and his body pauses seemingly expecting the door to kick him back in the face.
I suppose the fierceness coupled with a slight uncertainty is what makes him geekily sexy.
I'm outta control with these made-up words.
X-Pac spin kicks Shane and starts wailing on him with some good
convincing shots. Then Shane's Greenwich friends run in to attack X. They were more like
the Clutzy Preppy Gang Wearing Dockers. Shane takes a cheap shot at X's Pac and run off.
At this point we notice one of the Dockers Gang is NOT wearing his Dockers!! You better
kick him out of the posse. That's just not right. It's like the Mickey Mouse club. You
HAVE to wear the ears!!
|Just as we're enthralled seeing X-Pac running after The Dockers
Gang, Undertaker's face pops on the screen. The following is an account of all our
reactions. 'AAAH!!' It was definitely a shock to the system. It's
just that the camera got up too close. He's got good skin though. No noticeable clogged
pores. He must use Biore.
|Testes, Boss Man and Shamrock vs. Undertaker and
Acolytes. A beach ball is being tossed about in the audience. They're as enthralled of the
match as we are, huh? We've chosen to count the amount of pockets that Boss Man has in his
ensemble. Let's see, four pockets on the cargo vest, two butt pockets on the cargo pants,
one on each leg, probably two in front. That makes 57 pockets, right? Wow, he doesn't even
have to carry a suitcase to travel with.
The lights go
out.. and then it cuts to commercial. We don't even know what happened. I guess it's just
off to the deli tray they went. UT was going to feast on some steak tar tar.
Vince enters wearing his wrinkled jacket and no shirt. You could
have easily gone to the concession stand and bought a shirt. An Austin shirt even. Vinnie
enters the ring.. and in the background, I could have sworn I saw beef jerky flying by the
screen. Snap into it.. oh yeah.
Oh God, I've watched too much wrestling my WHOLE life!
|Vinnie decides to replay the beer bath segment. Camera cuts to
the immobile Vinnie. He's completely cracked, off his rocker. Hey pa, Wilbur's gone stir
crazy, call the paddy wagon. We're just waiting for the drool to start slivering down the
corner of his mouth and eventually, all the wrestlers would come out and start drawing
graffiti all over him.
|Well this doesn't happen.
Big Wightie enters, sucking his gut in. Who ya tryin' to fool?? Once he
lets his gut go free, he looks about 9 months pregnant. Actually he's got a Captain Kirk
type of body. It's really flabby yet he's still big and all he's doing is sucking his gut
in. At least he's not wearing high-water flares with the Beatle boots like Captain Kirk
did. I'm surprised he wasn't lynched on every planet he visited.
|Wightie stands in the corner, waiting for his match to start.
He's got his leg bent, his hands laid gently on the ropes. Can we say 'Pansy'?
|Austin enters and we realize that he has a different
vest. Normally he wears the 'BMF' vest which has 'Hell Yeah' on the back of it (to which
we'd like to add an 'O' to the end of Hell.. just for kicks). This vest has 'Stone Cold'
on the back. We'd like to stick a 'D' after Stone.. just for kicks. Then of course, WE
would get ourselves KICKED out of the arena so fast if we EVER sabotaged him this way.
By the way, I've also noticed that Stevie's got long fingers. (You say
that like it's a bad thing...B.C.) Mm, well, you know what long fingers mean, huh??
...... Stretched out gloves.
Mankind is special ref and the Rock does commentary. He should
comment on Wight's big girdle. (It'd be called a GUYdle, right??..B.C.) And if
men wore bras, it'd be a bro. Cole reports now that Wight has size 22 feet. I do believe
last week they were only 20 feet. (ONLY??!) Are they still growing?? They're about the
size of Bostin's leg! At one point, Austin crotches Wight in between the pole right in his
coconuts. Wight's nads are probably the size of coconuts but hopefully they're not as
hairy and brown.
Rock is doing commentary and I ask.. Do you HAVE to use every
single catch phrase one hundred times before you use them another one hundred times??
Austin wins after he hits a chair on Wight's ass which of course
is just the same as hitting him on the head. No diff. OH! Wight becomes so irate that he
got beat by Stevie.. that he goes to beat up Mankind. Geez. If your dad insults you, do
you go and beat up your mom?
Rock enters the ring since he's filled his quota of saying his
catch phrases two hundred times already so he's got some spare time to beat up on Stevie,
which is probably a lighter beating than Stevie got from his ex-wife. OH.
Chokee stop now.