By Chokee Slam
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Continental Airlines Arena
or simply, Meadowlands
Austin 3:16 sign on a humungous cut-out of a spread-toed foot. This dude must have used Wight's foot as a model. Perhaps he snuck into his habitat, found a huge footprint, poured plaster in it and made a mold. You know, the same way they got Big Foot's print. sign041.jpg (6764 bytes)
sign042.jpg (5927 bytes) Illustration of Steve Austin. His face needs cleaning, it's somewhat soiled. I wonder if his mother ever did that 'moisten cloth with own saliva' to clean dirt off his face. Actually it's hard to envision Austin as a little bald tyke practicing how to flip the bird in the privacy of his little room.
Signage: Hey Bart! DUCK! That was just a downright cruel and horrible thing to write to someone who got the stuffing, wits and memory knocked out of his noggin by someone much shorter than him with less muscle tone. I LOVE IT! (My apologies, couldn't get a clear shot of it ...B.C.) sign043.jpg (6476 bytes)

Another signage: I Like Rape. We can't see if it's a male or female holding this sign but either way, let's put them in a correctional facility with some convicted rapists and see how much they like rape. The sign should have said, 'I Like Being Ignorant and Stupid.'

Austin enters sporting that horrible Karate Rattlesnake shirt (I don't know but if my hands started morphing into rattlesnakes, I would seriously just quit the wrestling business or stop doing drugs) and a new pair of black jeans which manages to cover his bubble butt and look nice on him at the same time. He attempts to get on the corner rope but had a bit of a struggle. Jeans too tight there, Stevie? Wearing black has a slimming effect but you shouldn't buy a pair that 2 sizes smaller, hence causing problems in everyday functions such as climbing a ring rope or sitting down. You don't want to stifle your little rattlesnake now, do you?

We hear an audience member who got way too close to the mic scream, 'Stone Cold BabEEE!'. Perhaps this person was leaning into Lawler's mic and I'm sure Lawler did what any professional announcer would do: popped him one with a backhanded fist followed by a Stooges eye-poke.

Austin talks about the belt he won the night before on Wrestlemania, 'I looked at the belt...' and it was tacky, I bet. Basically Stevie wants his old belt, the one that Vinnie stole from him some months back. Vinnie answers the call. Austin hands him the belt and as Vinnie is about to leave, Stevie says, 'Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa .....' Okay, maybe not that many whoa's.

Austin tells Vinnie that he wants his rattlesnake lined belt and gets up close to Vinnie's face, 'That's the bottom line cuz....' I could practically see a miasma of tobacco breath enshrouding Vinnie's face. However, Vinnie is so offended by Stevie's breath that he attacks him with the belt and then runs away up the ramp.. like a girl doing that fast-walking exercise where your butt swings side to side. You know, the duck waddle.

Backstage, Ivory and Tori are walking in the hallways. You guys need to give Tori a new outfit. She looks like a Giger Alien. She should be bodyslammed over and over again just because of that outfit. Meanwhile in another shot (probably same hallway five minutes later) Terri Nipples and Jacqueline are walking in the halls.

The Ministry enters the arena. Edge is flashing his pearly whites. Actually they're his neon whites. I bet if the lights were shut off, you would still see his teeth. No need for flashlights if you have Edge by your side. Of course there are some girls who wouldn't be thinking about flashlights if they had Edge by their side. But me, I'd think of toothpaste, halogens, headlights, ho-ho's, staring into the sun... raw129.jpg (10653 bytes)
Sable and Jacqueline vs. Tori and Ivory. Ivory chases after Terri Nipples and Sable attacks Jacqueline from behind allowing Tori the win. Tori gestures to Sable with her gnarled Alien fingers (she does have long fingers) to 'come over here'. The lights go out and Ministry enters. Everyone else had the right mind to leave but Sable stays in the ring. Whatta mean it was in the script? What script?

Undertaker bops down the ramp in beat to his music. Good thing he wasn't bopping along to his slower theme, everyone would have been there until dawn. And by dawn, we'd be able to see what they look like in the morning. I bet Debra would look like Christian. OH!

At this point, we see the comparisons of Ministry members to some Hellraiser Cenobytes. Normally UT is dressed like Pinhead, Bearer is like that big fat bloated Jabba the Hutt looking cenobyte, and Edge is Chatterbox. Gangrel is just your average chubby, melon-headed small-features-on big-face cenobyte. Y'all know the one I'm talking about? No? Haven't been to hell recently? Wouldn't know, huh?

Undertaker says to Sable, 'I've come to see what you got.' Mm, she's got silicone, fake hair, and a spackling of make-up. Meanwhile judging from the cut on UT's forehead, he cut himself shaving ... his forehead.

UT calls Vinnie out as he's got a chokehold on Sable's chin. Hey UT, I think it would be more effective if you had your hand on her throat. Aw, better yet, just pop her one in the boob. Then her career would be over.

Hey, it looked like UT was getting aroused in this segment. UT GOT LUMP! It was pointing 12 o'clock! They could hang clothes on it, I bet!

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Vinnie comes out but then realizes it was a ploy. He runs back to the dressing room to find Stephanie had been abducted and a couple of dead bodies on the floor. Who cares about the dead bodies.

X-Pac enters. What a spunky fella he is. Everytime he bounces down the ramp, I hear the springy sounds of 'boing boing' going through my head which makes me wonder just how bouncy he is during fornication. X-Pac takes the mic, taps the tip of his boot on the mat (which was morse code for, 'ouch, new boots, tight') and says, 'You know, one year ago tonight...' You were one year younger, right? Boy, are we on the ball or what? X-Pac addresses HHH but we seem focused on the bags under his eyes. Pouches. Poor kid, too much doobage, huh? Try laying cucumber slices on them. A match is set for HHH vs. X-Pac.

Vinnie is backstage and the phone rings. It's like the movie, When a Stranger Calls. Even more devastating than that is When a Stranger Mails You Something. RAAAAAARGHH!!!! NOT THE CATALOGUES!!! Vince picks up the phone and we think UT should have sang, 'Doobie doobie doo.' Anyways UT tells him he's got his daughter and closes the conversation with a cackling laugh. Not as good as the hillbilly evil cackling we suggested a few reports back but still pretty good. Just a few more lessons at the dojo for laughing, big grasshoppa.  (Big grasshoppa??  Ya mean locust?  ...B.C.)

Wight vs. Testes. Just as Testes is getting his second leg into the ring, Wight grabbed him by the face. Testes expression was basically, 'Hold up, let me get in the ring.. HEY! MY FACE.. whatchoo tryin' to do, hurt me or something? Wrestle me? Oh wait a minute.. heh..' This match ended quickly with Wight holding Testes by the throat so high up (Testes was probably saying, 'Hey, I can see my house from here..') followed by a chokeslam. Testes go boom. Blond hair, nuts and bunny teeth everywhere. OH!

Wight addresses Vinnie. In the middle of talking, Wight looked like he was going to sneeze or cry. It's alright dude, you can't help the fact that you've got a Captain Kirk shaped body. You just have to look at yourself in the mirror (better make that a few dozen mirrors) and say, 'I'm big, my head is equally as big.. but by golly, that's ... alright because I like me.' Otherwise put a whole bunch of benzoyle peroxide on your head and see if the swelling will go down. raw131.jpg (12091 bytes)
Sumimasen (that's 'sorry' in Japanese).

Vinnie wants his daughter Stephanie found. Kenny says to him, 'If she's in this building, I'll find her.' So you mean if she's NOT in the building, Vinnie's out of luck, huh? Kenny starts his quest by kicking a garbage can. Nope, she's not in there.

Three crew people are standing off to the side. They're cardboard cut-outs I think. I bet they know where Stephanie is and they just don't want to tell. They'd rather see Kenny roaming around. I bet when Kenny passed by them, they all did the scrunchy face and said, 'Na na na na na.' Kenny jiggles the knob of a locked door, then walks away. Those Kenny's, not a very sharp species. I guess there just couldn't POSSIBLY be anything suspicious in a locked room. raw132.jpg (16276 bytes)
Kenny passes by the time cards. He should have punched all of them and really screw the people over.

Dr. Death with JR vs. Hardman Holly. Now that Dan Severn has moved on, Dr. Death has kept the faith and made sure that the WWF still has stock of washing machine shaped bodies. Surprisingly, I think Dan was in better shape. Hey Death, do a sit- up will you? A stomach crunch. Laugh really hard. Hang out with Gangrel, he'll teach you how to perpetually laugh.

sign044.jpg (5246 bytes) Signage: Former Nitro Girl. Mm, yeah sure. I'm sure you're a girl.. and you were at Nitro.

I find it rather cruel that Death is put in the same scene as Holly. Death has ripples of flesh coming out of the seat of his pants, while Holly had a tight, firm ass. In the least, Death should have an opponent who is just as bloated and barrel shaped as he is... like Gangrel. Now I'm just being cruel.

Al Snow interferes by hitting Death over the head with a pan, gives the win to Holly. Al then throws himself out of the ring. The camera wasn't on him but the mic was and it sounded like an extreme embarassing moment. Camera resumes footage of Al, who is on the mat stomach down, sprawled, nose to the floor. Like any trooper however, he gets up quickly and runs away.  (To the catering hall, right?? ...B.C.)

Vinnie tells Shane to 'take over' while Vinnie deals with the abduction. Shane seems rather uncaring though. Yo Shane, your sis got abducted by weird beings.. one's a bloated tick, and another has glowing teeth and another is some former cowboy from hell. Don't you care, man??

Rock enters. What the hell is wrong with the Rock's nipples?? He revealed them for the first time on WM15 and must feel comfortable enough to show the the world what Unforgiven1 calls, his Frankentitty. Yes indeed. He needs to cover them with something. (Tassles... B.C.) Even stove-top covers. Soup bowls. He's gonna have to start wearing bras and bikini tops. The horrors. raw133.jpg (17015 bytes)
Meanwhile, we catch sight of some diehard Rock fans who have 'Rock' painted on their torsos. Yo dudes, black paint on black skin? Of course the only letter we can clearly see is 'K'.

Okay, back to the Rock nips. The right one is not only crooked and hanging low but there is this nasty scar above it. Now you should be inducted into the Hall of Crooked Nipples.. along with the Ultimate Warrior.  (And Kenny!! ...B.C.)

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It's Rock vs. Billy Butt. Rock looks at Butt thinking, 'Your nipples are straight. I hate you, perfect titty man,' and proceeds to beat on him. I think with all the flexing that Rock does, those nipples will eventually stretch out and end up in his armpits.

Rock does mid-match commentary but Butt takes the mic and says, 'You suck it.' Equally as effective would have been, 'I hate you!' BUT you could go way below the belt and said, 'YOUR TITS ARE UGLY!! ROCKENSTEIN!'

But alas, by the end of the match, Butt lost via the lame elbow move. How embarassing to job to that sweaty elbow AND the crooked nipples. Oh Rock, why? Are you that narcissistic?? Now all you've got left are your repetitive catch phrases, that lousy elbow, your sweating problem and wayward nipples. Maybe you should have another nip surgically implanted in the middle of your forehead, to veer focus away from those things.

Vinnie is talking to Kenny backstage. Kenny is back to his high pitched tone of voice again. I reckon he wasn't practicing enough for this segment. He didn't have a demon possessing him nor had enough milk shakes. Well now that Nicole Bass is with the WWF, he can go to her to learn how to speak in a manly tone.

Camera is filming Austin from beneath him getting a clear shot of the inside of his nose but Austin is trying to act like there's no one laying there. Perhaps this is another reason why his wife left him. OH. I can't stop!

sign045.jpg (5554 bytes) Gangrel vs. Kenny. Illustration of the Brood as signage: I don't know but Gangrel looks like a turtle sticking it's neck out.
Kenny still had to search for Stephanie but hey, a match is a match. I'm sure if he needed a bathroom break, he would indubitably fulfill his intestinal needs. Kenny does a hurricarana on Gangrel but the Bloated One screwed up, hence a very embarassing moment where Gangrel completely rolls over Kenny like he was bread dough.   Kenny gets up afterwards and screamed in anger. 'AAAH!! YOU ROLLED ON ME!!' Kenny was so irate that he put the ankle lock on Gangrel. raw135.jpg (16089 bytes)
The lights go out and the Brood runs out. Kenny tries to act like, 'Oh I didn't see that happening.. not even when the lights went out.. as if this hasn't happened to fifty million wrestlers in the WWF in the past month. Nope.. I don't see a thing. Not a nothing. Seeing things?? That's not what I do. I see so much nothing I could be a referee!' What would have been amusing is if an audience member pointed a flashlight on them while the lights were out. Or if Edge showed his teeth, it would be like a beacon of light signalling the ships in at night time. Anyways, we bet we'd see Kenny dousing himself with a bucket of corn syrup.

Lights on and Kenny manages to hold onto Christian's ankle. Christian screams, 'In the basement, in the basement..' Aw, what a wussy vampire. He gave up too easily. I bet a drop of holy water would make you babble. First of all we're surprised that Christian actually speaks. Second of all, how do you all know WHICH basement he's talking about.

Dogg enters. He's wearing the DX shirt with the bar code. Hey, let's scan him in a supermarket to see how much he costs and if there's a special on him this week.  (Ya know how the register tells you what the item is, right?   Dogg would say RDDGG... Heh ... B.C.)

Doggie vs. Goldust with Blue Meanie in tow. They make a cute couple. Dogg and Goldust, I mean. Ryan Shamrock enters during this match but Meanie shoos her away, calling her a skank. Them there are fightin' words, Blue One. Hiss.

Goldie was about to give Doggie the Shattered Dream. Dogg's expression was like, 'ooch.. I pulled my groin muscle.' Goldie actually wins the match and Cole says, 'It can't be..' Oh but Cole, it do be.' Doobie doobie doo. Goldie takes the mic, says, 'I got something burning right here.' You need some Pepcid?? Bostin's got plenty. raw136.jpg (11845 bytes)
Kenny finds Stephanie in the basement with an ash smudge on her forehead. Must have been a belated Ash Wednesday ceremony.

Vinnie hugs Stephanie, who is emitting monkey noises. What did the Ministry do to her.. feed her bananas?

Jarrett and Owen Hart vs. OLD. I mean LOAD. I mean LOD. Anyways, I think Owen's got the biggest knee pads we e'er did see. They go from his ankle to his crotch. Okay, that's an exaggeration but.. just may as well be wearing leg warmers, nugget boy.

Also someone should tell Animal that his Mullet-Hawk hairdo is about over and done with. Debra squawked in the background. She recognized a fellow bird species in the ring and let out a mating call.

During this match, some guy in the audience ran across the screen holding a flag. This was extremely hilarious because this dude was just so spastic as he was hopping up and down. Then he did the same thing as he ran the opposite way with the flag behind him. His antics made us miss the end of the match. That's okay, I'm sure we would have found other things more amusing than Jarrett and Owen, like watching paint dry.

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Austin is backstage, spitting his tobacco in his little coffee cup. Mm, perhaps this is another reason why his wife filed for a divorce. At home, he must have spilled his beer all over the place while trying to drink it, AND perhaps he spit his tobacco all over the furniture, the carpets, in the sink, on his wife, on the kids.

Vinnie is thanking Kenny. You should have awarded him with a shower. At the same time Austin's belt arrived but Vinnie doesn't give a damn. 'Just give it to Austin', he says, 'let's end this.' Vinnie takes Stephanie home.

X-Pac vs HHH. Here comes little Pac. Boing boing. Before his little fireworks, X-Pac looked like he smelled something. Must have been Kenny. Hey, Kenny was all over the arena searching for Vinnie's daughter. He probably marked all spots with his scent. raw139.jpg (12297 bytes)
Anyways, due to Pac's spunk, he's like a hyperactive puppy dog. (Let's hope he doesn't run into the street and hurt himself...B.C.) Or get hit by a truck. X-Pac is ready for his match. He doesn't even do a full tongue flickering. He just sticks it out and sticks it back in. Darn.

X-Pac is anxious to wrestle but the ref is holding him back. But X tears away and runs toward HHH... to get beat up. Well, you know, I guess X just didn't want to waste one second of that beating.

During the match, HHH mumbled instructions to X-Pac. We know that wrestlers speak to each other in the ring to work out the choreography while the match is in progress. I think it would be great if they two were on opposite sides of the ring yelling out instructions. 'HEY, TWO ELBOWS AND A BRONCO!! I'LL HAVE THAT IN A DOGGY BAG TO GO EVEN!!' Uh..

Shane interferes in the match, causing X-Pac to chase after him, causing Chyna to clothesline poor X. X is on the mat, groaning, 'aaaw, beat up by a woman again.' The other woman being Billy Butt, probably. They all proceed to beat up on him and just before he gets the pedigree, WHOO HOO, thank the LORD, I catch sight of X's Pac. Thanks. It shrinks in once in a while but this evening, it was there.

Lights out again and Kane's entrance music cues in. Now in a live event, I have experienced the massive explosion prior to Kane's entrance and it's basically a heart attack waiting to happen if you're not prepared. One of our Mad Phat readers was at this event, and said his friend was not expecting the pyros to be so loud. As a result, his friend fell into the seats in front of him, onto some man's lap. We pay our condolences to the guy who fell over.. and to the man who got a lap dance. It's Kane's fault. Blame him.


Kane enters, perhaps thinking, 'My girlfriend, I want her back. ' Kane then does the in-ring fireworks (which is almost as heart pumping as the initial explosion) and afterwards his body language seemed to say, 'Chyna used to love it when I did that, you know. We used to do it in the bed. Caused a hell of a rumble but so do I when I have chili. But Chyna loved me for that... sniff.' Poor Kane.

HHH hits the chair over Kane's noggin, then HHH and Chyna flee but Kane sits up like Mike Meyers did in Halloween and goes after them. Kane takes the chair with him. 'I need this chair, that's all I have in this world now. I ain't got no booooody...' Poor Kane.

While that was happening, X-Pac disappeared like a poof of smoke and Shane was hiding behind Lawler and Cole. Shane addresses Austin, 'if you want your belt, it's on the Rock.' Hope it's not draped on his busted nipple because NO ONE wants to take anything that's covering that monstrosity. Ah, Rock has a shirt on. Now to make matters worse, the Rock's got a zit on his forehead. Better go to your plastic surgeon to have THAT removed also. Or just moved over.

Austin rolls in the ring and Rock starts kicking him. Austin's like, 'okay fine, I'll roll back out then..' Eventually all the Corporate Members run in to attack Stevie. Testes comes in perhaps aiming to swing his HUGE shlong around in full circle to knock poor Stevie into the nosebleed seats. Okay that didn't happen.

Wight comes in, starts to clean house. I didn't see him clean nothing. No broom.. no Shout it Out, no Windex.. no pine fresh cleaners.. Liars.

End of program. I'm gonna freeze frame on X's Pac now and analyze it.

See if we care...
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