by Chokee Slam
Long Island, New York
This Raw was a special one for us
since we were theeere, dude. We spent the day attempting to perhaps have some wrestler
sightings. Christian did walk out from the parking lot but I said, 'Testes!' and he may
have heard this. Oh well. Actually he didn't stop to acknowledge the 'fans' so, we'll
remember that, poet shirt boy.
The closest encounter we got was with.. Michael Cole. I said,
'Hi', Bostin said, 'Hullo', I said, 'Hi', Bostin said, 'Hullo' and we continued. Hi Hullo
Hi Hullo Hi Hullo. I suppose this was as exciting as sitting in my office having one of
those special days where I am doing the exact same thing I did for the last 56 weeks.
I screamed to Cole, 'So is it gonna be a TREMENDOUS show??' Y'all
know his need to say 'tremendous' a thousand times per show, right? He replied, 'I hope
so.' I said, 'You don't get it do you.' Then he continued walking and mumbled to himself.
I think we broke him. Perhaps he just didn't want to stop since he's probably used to
people insulting him and he wasn't going to wait for us to turn on and eventually lynch
Asides from that, wrestlers drove into the arena parking lot
without pause. I'd give the hitchhiker's thumb and we got a wave from Duane Gil, a thumbs
up from Crisco who was with Patterson (then Bostin gave him the middle finger), a look
from Lawler as if I grew a second head, and a flittering of three or four fingers by one
of the DOA's. Kane and D'Lo Brown car pooled together and just drove in.
I suppose it was good that they didn't walk into the arena since
we had a list of questions we wanted to ask them. Here are some:
For Bob Holly: 'Can we call you Hard?'
For HHH: 'Say uuuuUUUUUUUUH what uuuuh is up uuuuh..'
For Steve Blackman: 'Jobber says what?'
For Christian: 'So did you age so quickly because Gangrel swallowed your soul?'
For Testes: 'Is it difficult to maneuver around the ring with that HUGE package?'
For either of the DOA's: 'Are you Jacob or Eli?'
For Shawn Michaels: 'Who told you you could dance?'
(For Al Snow: 'Can I sit on your lap?' ...B.C.)
We would probably have gotten arrested for harassment. In the least, the road crew was
responsive (perhaps they thought we would sleep with them to get backstage). But be
patient Mad Phatties, we shall reign terror upon the wrestling populace. Oh yes, we will.
(Just you wait ECW, you won't know what hit ya!!!! ...B.C.)
Okay, now on with the show.
Cole starts in with, 'TREMENDOUS! This is a tremendous
tremendous, tremendously tremendous in this tremendous arena.' Honestly, he put in more
'tremendouses' than usual.
|X-Pac and Kane vs. Jarrett and Owen Hart. Kane
does his fireworks and then cockily (is that a word?) puts his hands on his hips as he
faces X-Pac, 'There... whattaya think of that?! CHYNA used to love it,'
and from there on he sobbed and was ferclempt. He's been through a very tough break-up, I
think X-Pac would do him good. Kane could use some genuine bonding.
|Meanwhile, as we look at Owen's new bike shorts,
there's a big O and H on both the front and back of the pants. But the positioning of them
is rather retarded because on the front it spells out 'OH' and the back spells 'HO'. Oh
HO, yo yo. Slo mo flo jo. Sorry.
X-Pac is hanging outside
the ring ropes making sure he doesn't look at Debra up close. He might turn to stone.
The match proceeds with X-Pac doing most of the work. Kane is
still rather distraught. Chyna was his first love, for cryin' out loud. Kane stays at his
corner, staring at the turnbuckle. Perhaps he read, 'Made in Chyna... AAAAAW NO NO NOOOO!'
Again, he's thrown into fits of hysterical sobbing.
||Meanwhile X-Pac is still working his fine little butt off in the
ring. Owen brings X over to Jarrett, who has his foot up on the top rope. Seems Owen was
aiming to let X-Pac smell Jarrett's fungudelic foot, which might I add also looks very
pointed and curved at the tip. He's got Wicked Witch of the East feet. Perhaps Debra gave
him a pedicure.
|During this match, I was looking for the ice-cream
vendor to get me some cream filled bomb pops or something. It's almost ritualistic now..
when Kane or X-Pac wrestles, must have pops.
manages to drag himself over to Kane for the tag. Kane gives two final quivers of his
bottom lip before he gets into the ring to do his thang. Kane is about to chokeslam little
X but instead picks him up and throws him on Jarrett and voila, new Tag Team Champs. They
make an interesting couple. Now X-Pac can take Kane to a bar, get him his first drink,
perhaps buy him some new clothes. To follow along in the DX tradition, Kane would need
some stylin' black and lime green duds, which would probably make his bottom lip quiver
Vinnie is backstage protecting Stephanie. However Shane is
worried about Austin and Wight but alas, Vinnie says he doesn't care what happens there.
So why are you there filming this?? (SSSSSHHHHH... B.C.) Don't shush me. Shane
will have to take care of business.
|That art student looking dude is interviewing X-Pac. I can't
really hear what X-Pac is saying since this is one of those rare occassions when he's
showing off his little booblets. All I heard was me blathering, 'hummeda hummeda hummeda
iiieeeeeyaaa WHOO HOO!!' Then I had to rewatch the tape. I also noticed that he's got some
pretty microscopic nipples there.
|So X-Pac says he doesn't know where Kane went but as
long as he pulls through for him during their matches, he doesn't care. Gee, doesn't
ANYBODY care on this show? Seriously, I like this X-Pac/ Kane teaming. Eventually, I'd
like to see Kane carry X-Pac in his arms the way he did Chyna if little Pac gets hurt. But
Kane is a scorned man, he's going to be drowning all his sorrows in alchie-hol and dark
seedy bars for a long time to come. Eventually this could lead to a befriending of Austin
again since Stevie will be at every single bar, having his breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Corporation enters the ring. Kenny pauses to look at someone in the
audience, about to say, 'uuh, I'll get back to you, I'll think of something to say later..
I don't have my script.'
Shane takes the mic. Live, Shane was unable to project his voice
so the audience began chanting, 'WE CAN'T HEAR YOU.' Testes is in the background, standing
smugly as if he's saying, 'My CROTCH speaks louder than you. Can't you hear it right now?
It's saying vroom vroom!'
Shane retrospects when the Corp. Team was beating up on Austin
and Wight ran in. Shane said, 'The Big Show wants to sneak around...' Look at who you're
talking about, Shane. How is that 500 pound Headosaur gonna sneak around ANYWHERE? Is he
going to tippy-toe? Looney Tunes style, right?
By the way, when we were outside the arena on our wrestler hunt,
Bostin saw a huge Roto-Rooter truck driving around the arena and she speculated that Wight
probably took a colossal dump and only the Roto-Rooter man could fix that.
It's Rock's turn to yap. We have come to the conclusion that he's
definitely got a pedi-anal fixation. He says to Wight, 'I'll take my 2 feet, turn them
sideways...' which means you're going to do a ballet move. Well, that sure is a
sex-symbol-like thing to do, huh? To continue, '..and stick them straight up your rectum.'
But Rock, if you do that, you might lose your expensive shoes in Wight.
Ivory, wearing a nice flammable looking outfit, sashays down the
ramp. She takes the mic, says, 'Ever since I've been in the WWF, I've been wondering one
thing...' You're wondering where your paycheck is? Oh, that mostly applies to ECW. Heh.
Okay, you're wondering when all the silicone sacs are going to burst and boob anarchy will
prevail. Anyways, Ivory calls out Terri Nipples.
This results in Ivory ripping Terri's top off and all the
prepubescent boys in the audience jumped up from their seats and practically exclaimed,
'TITTIES! I NEVER SEEN THOSE BEFORE!!' But the lights go out and 'CUT!' Next scene is the
Undertaker and his Ministry. It looks like Viscera is wearing a large garbage bag. Hefty
hefty hefty AND wimpy wimpy wimpy.
||They all enter the ring. Bradshaw gets into action figure
position and probably stayed that way all evening. I think when this segment was over,
they hefted Bradshaw up and carried him to the back, like a statue. Meanwhile Mr. Farooq
Simmons was flexing his boobs to the beat of Bamboleo.
|Undertaker speaks but I was mesmerized by his chunky
caterpillar like eyebrows. They were plucked strangely which resulted in them being set
too far apart. Okay, make-up tips. The eyeliner, honey, you need to learn to smudge smudge
smudge. We could see every spot where you probably hiccupped. And black is not a good
color to use, perhaps brown would be better to emphasize or bring the brightness out in
Meanwhile Edge is rolling around in the ring,
waiting for someone to come by and rub his belly. Bad MOD member, you can't look happy and
playful. You're supposed to be gothic. Your gothic proviledges should be revoked. No more
Bauhaus or Of a Mesh for you. No more DARK chocolate or Army of DARKness or .. never mind.
UT promises that there will be a sacrifice tonight. Alright. But
make sure you all get home before curfew, okay?
Vince has called for more security and assures Stephanie that she
will be fine. But uh... she's got Crisco and Patterson by her side.. to protect her.
That's like having a feather as a weapon. Or Cole as a commentator. AW, she's doomed.
|JOHN-MIKE & FRANK in DA HOUSE. John-Mike? (Is that like
Steve-Dave (from Clerks??)?.....B.C.) Jimmy-Joe-Jim-Bob even.
||Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly. Holly comes out to show that
he has pumped up considerably. It seems he may have also taken an airpump to
his.. good friend there. Holly holds his arms out, saying, 'Whatcha think of this? I'm so
hardcore, I can hold this belt by one finger.' I think he can even hold the belt up by his
|Holly is BIG! (Oh they're both big guys.... FNS)
Yeah, both of them. Holly and his one-eyed wonder-worm. Whoa, is that an old expression or
Hey! Al actually wins this match but of course it's
not a title bout. But Dr. Death runs in to ruin the party. His breasts are jiggling and I
realize that he's called Dr. Death because, one look at his mug and you'll die a horrible
death. Your hair will turn white and fear is permanently etched on your face. Sorry. I
know he's JR's fella but... JR needs to get a better fella.
|Backstage, MOD is engaged in a really perverted scene. Christian
is wearing some froofy velvet leggings and a poet shirt while Bearer is standing in front
of him thinking about hot dogs, cucumbers and eggplants. The Teeth, harumff.. I mean Edge
is holding one leg while Gangrel is probably gnawing on the other one (I'm sure Gangrel
hadn't been fed in about 2 minutes), while a six-foot dude in a moo-moo is whipping
Christian and I just know that PIG is getting excited. Poor UT however
was more concerned with keeping his hood from suffocating him.
|Oh, the humanity.
enters. Dogg does his typical spelling of his and Butt's name. Try this one: S-P-A-double
Signage: We're gonna do it Doogy Style? Like in Doogie Howser?
You're gonna do it with a scrawny white kid in the emergency room?
||Another signage: Look at my Ass. How could we.
Unless your ass is your head.
|They go against Edge and Gangrel. HEY! We see Edge package. It
looks rather.... long.. but sideways. It looks the same way boobs do in sport bras.. like
one long tube. Actually it even resembles the little bubble sacs you get when you don't
completely flatten out the Contac paper on the surface you're trying to cover. Perhaps he
farted and that's a gas bubble. Of course this theory doesn't hold weight since the
bubbling would appear on the ass end but.. it doesn't hurt to say it anyway. We do not
refrain from fart jokes.
|So Edge walks down the ramp, bow-legged. Perhaps he
has a tube sock in there. He's gotta turn the ladies on, right? But it may prove
cumbersome. You should have settled for a rolled up pair of sheer knee-hi's. Smaller and
||During the match, Edge flashes his neon whites. 'I use Crest..
and it shows.' It sure does. It also looks like you had braces for 20 years. He's got a
good set of choppers. Good thing he doesn't have large mangled looking choppers that are
so huge, he'd have to buy another house to put them in.
|After Dogg takes some tumbles in the ring, Butt is
finally tagged and has loads of energy to unleash. Cole says, 'He's on fire.' Well,
whatever you do, don't put him out. Let him burn.
Christian stumbles in just in time to lose the match for his
fellow Lost Boys. Thanks Christian. By the way, why do you have your velvet panties OVER
the velvet leggings? Don't you know your panties go UNDER the leggings? Or perhaps UT
whipped you so hard that your panties ended up on the outside of your garments. That could
happen. Sometimes a wild passionate night with someone could result in a thong on the head
or a weener in the bun. Huh? (No night is THAT passionate!! (I'm talking about
the thong, BTW) ...B.C.)
Kenny Shamrock's music cues. His entrance footage flashes a
large, "DANGER" on it. Truly, beware of Kennys. A very uncontrollable breed.
Kenny vs. Viscera. Kenny actually does a belly to jelly suplex on
Viscera (it's obvious who's got the jelly huh?) which is really an amazing feat. But the
lights go out and the MOD run in to interfere. Now, watching this live was hilarious since
we were able to see the portly Gangrel being the LAST to run in. He's got a lot of weight
to carry and the majority of it is in his head. And he probably forgot his inhaler. All
you MODs just left him in your dust.
MOD beat up on Kenny. Cole reports, 'They're destroying the
world's most dangerous man.' Well I suppose now he can be called the World's Most
Destroyed Man. Then they carry Kenny through the crowd and to the parking lot where they
stuff him into the cartrunk and Bradshaw drives off.
Corporate Team, having witnessed this, is freaking out. Chyna
however looks like she's staring at some fly darting to and fro in front of her face.
Perhaps it was Fly Boy Rocko. He was hovering around her whining, 'Help me... help me..
help me get a gimmick.'
Venis enters. Lawler says, 'They love every inch of Val Venis.' (That
is, if they can even find an inch... B.C.) Just his fingers is where they can find an
inch. Otherwise, he may have two bellybuttons.
|Venis vs. Mankind. Mankind passes this huge FOLEY is GOD sign
What the camera didn't film was the other sign these dorks were holding which was,
'BELLS PALSY RETARD' that they flashed to JR before. Considering Mick holds much respect
for JR, we could only fantasize that Mick would knock chairs on all of their noggins for
|Mankind takes Socko out and Lawler says, 'Do you
smell that?' Yo Lawler, it was a clean sock. What you smelled was Cole and his stinky
Bradshaw has returned and MOD are huddled
together devising their plan. That was a pretty fast return on Bradshaw's part. I wonder
where they drove Kenny to? The nearby Friendly's? Across the road to the hotel? Hooters
down the road. Yeah, that's it. (Yeah, he went to Hooters to find a new
Godfather vs. Goldust. Looks like Godfather has some different
catch phrase written on the back of his Jolly Rancher Lime Green vest. It's hard to make
out but it could be any of the following: Hoppin' Ain't Easy, Hempin' Ain't Easy or
Itompin' Ain't Easy. I would say it's either the first or second choice. This match
results in a draw.
Vinnie is on the phone. The lights start flickering and
eventually go out and Stephanie begins screaming. The following are the voices that should
have been heard in the dark. HEY SHUT UP!! ... OOF!!! .... HEY, WHO'S STICKING THEIR
FINGER IN MY ASS!!.... OOOH!! ... WAIT, THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!!
||Acolytes footage on the Titantron. With just the right
positioning of the camera and the 2 spot lights, Mr. Simmons looks like he's got two very
large round dark nipples. Hey, whether it be small teeny X-Pac nipples or large dark
coconut nipples, if they're happy with it, more power to them. Unless it's the Rock of
course. He's too vain to accept his nippular shortcomings.
|All of MOD come out with someone enshrouded in
Viscera's pants. No it was just a sheet. But at the live event, we honestly thought they
were going to crucify Kenny. We watched as this person was being placed on the UT symbol
and started fidgeting. The knees came up and that's when we REALLY thought it was Kenny,
Eventually this person let out a scream
similar to a 3 year old girl's wailing. There ya go, it's confirmed. It's definitely
Kenny. Or Billy Butt.
Actually it was Ryan Shamrock. The camera then cuts away to
backstage footage of Vinnie and Stephanie watching this 'crucifixion' on their telly with
expressions of horror. Judging by the pained and fearful look on their faces, I bet they
were watching an episode of Dawson's Creek. Good God, not the episode where they try to
boink each other for the umpeenth time!
|UT starts his chanting which is something that even makes HIS
eyes roll back. We notice that he took his eyebrow piercing out. Aw what happened.
Couldn't stand a little pus?
||Shane enters to start the match between Big Show vs HHH and
Rock. We were able to get a pretty horrid capture of the Rock looking like Rocki-Modo. He
doesn't quite have the hunchback though. Give him a few years. Or a few more sessions
under the knife. Great Rock, now you've got wayward eyeballs. Is your vanity going to have
THAT altered as well??
|Signage: I Love THEROCK. First we thought it said
'THEDO..something or another..' But there was no spacing between The and Rock. For anyone
who remembers the classic Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk screamed, 'I AM
KIROOOOOCK!!!' subsitute that with, 'I LOVE THEROOOCK!!'
I know, I know. TV HEAD. (You say that like it's a bad
||Big Show enters and the match begins. Looks like Wight's
'headbutt' maneuver has gone through a slight alteration. It's more like the 'make an ugly
expression and bring it up close for a hellacious scare' move. He grabs HHH's face and
does just that. At least with this move, he can make up new scary faces to use on his
opponents therefore they would always be caught off guard and will always be genuinely
frightened by that mug. It'll scare his opponents into submission, I'm sure.
|Eventually this move will upgrade to 'frightening
hairstyles' levels, which could be just as affective.
Shane, HHH, Chyna and Rock gang up on Wight. Hey, don't pile on the Big Head, don't pile
on the Big Head. Lawler says, 'Look at Chyna..' Mm.. yah.. was something supposed to
happen? She took a few pokes at Wight but that was about it. We were waiting for her to do
somersaults and let out some Xena warrior screams.
Austin runs in to save Wight. Shane then puts stock footage of
the Rattlesnake belt on the Titantron to let Austin know that 'this is the closest you'll
get to your property.' Technically Austin can easily get plane tickets and rent a car and
would easily get to his property. Whatchoo talkin' about Shane?
Ah.. whatever. Austin, looking like a little boy next to Wight,
tells him to lower the Titantron. And AMAZINGLY, Wight does so with the assistance of the
backstage crew flipping a switch. Wow, was that tremendous or WHAT?? Austin slices the
titantron. Cole says, 'It's the Stone Cold Construction Company.' No you tremendous dolt, Destruction
Then Cole says, 'Hey, he's the rattlesnake, he can do anything.'
I don't know if he can do 'anything'. Can he stick his big toe in his ass, hop around and
sing 'The Dope Show'? What we do know is that he couldn't turn the projector off.
Well at least it gave him another reason to drink more beer!
Hell, breathing gives him reason to drink more beer.
This is Chokee Slam and I can't stick my big toe in my ass but I
can hop around and sing 'The Dope Show'.