by Chokee Slam
very own Mad Phat Inane Man was in attendance at this live Raw. He was seated pretty far
back and though the cameras didn't pick up his signage, it was THE best (and ONLY good)
sign of the evening: 'HBK steals jokes from Mad Phat'. We wish we had a shot of this but
due to Inane Man's parents, we could be waiting for these pics to be developed by next
Coincidentally, just like the Raw show we attended, Inane Man had
about three of the stage lights shining directly at his face. 'I had to wear sunglasses to
see things most of the time,' he reports. At our show however, Bostin and I just necked it
out and whenever the lights shone on us, we shielded ourselves and hissed like vampires.
Someone forgot their Ray-Ban sunglasses.
|Though it's always fun to attend a live event, it's apparently
easier to follow along the storylines by watching it on TV. We found the manic fan of the
Seems like she caught a whiff of something. Perhaps
it was Inane Man's flesh burning from those stage lights. The technicians really need to
do something about that.
||Shane is leading in the Corporate Team. Testes looks like he
gained some weight. I firmly believe that he is puffing up for mating season. Either
that or he's been on Boss Man's special diet of fried everything. Testes' tummy is also
developing a rather distinguishable jelly roll. He and Austin should get together and
bring down the Dunkin Donuts franchise.
|Shane is introducing his Greenwich posse of two but
Shamrock grabs the mic. That wasn't very nice Kenny. You wouldn't want people grabbing
food from you when you're just about to eat it, huh? I know I would scream bloody
homicide. So, he wants to know where the Cor-por-a-tion (he still has a little bit of
trouble getting that word out. Hell, it's FOUR syllables!) was when his (fake) sister was
being crucified. Shane tries to calm Kenny down, 'It's okay.. it's okay..' Yo Shane, that
was condescending. You may as well have just patted him on the head and gave him a
milk-bone for his troubles.
Shane eventually asks
Stephanie (who was backstage with Vinnie) to come out to the ring. Judging by her 'lost in
space, thought and time' expressions, she mysteriously obeys. Seriously, her expressions
basically exudes helplessness, femininity and primordial stupidity. As she walks down the
ramp, we catch sight of Boss Man licking his lips. I think this was a dangerous call,
Shane, Boss Man is liable to eat her whole and stuff the remains in his cargo vest.
|Meanwhile, the camera gets a subliminal shot of Shane with a
sign in the background that says: DIE. Wishful thinking can sometimes miraculously
work to your benefit. For example, if I wish hard enough, I can make small children trip
(if they're in the process of running or walking though). (It's true, once, at Six
Flags, she made a little kid poke his brother in the eye! ...B.C.) SO believe you me,
I'm going to harness my powers and make X-Pac's pants fall down to his ankles. Just you
|Shane says there's no room in his Corporation for
Patterson and Crisco so he fires them. Hey, I don't think there's any room for Testes'
huge package either. Whatchoo gonna do about that?
feels that Vinnie is wussing out these days and asks him, 'Where are the balls the size of
grapefruits??' I reckon Vinnie already saw a doctor about that condition and got rid of
it. It's got to be pretty difficult to walk around with nads the size of grapefruits. Then
you have to deal with the juices squirting out also. Well, that was a grotesque visual.
Vinnie says his priority is Stephanie and he's about to walk off
but Shane grabs his arm and says, 'I'm not done with you.' Vinnie's expression was,
'Yooou..... touched... my ..... arm...... you... you... son, you...' But he actually says,
'You have to earn this power trip through respect.' Shane says, 'respect this' and slaps
poppa's face. Testes' expression wins a prize here. Any prize. He gets his choice of a
free bag of ground coffee or a spring young 13 year old girl. He mouthed, 'Holy Shit.' but
with my lip-reading expertise, it looked more like he said, 'Holy Shat!'
Shane says, 'You're not my dad anymore,' and Vinnie just walks
away. Shane should have closed it off with, 'Oh, and I'll see you at home later. Tell mom
to keep my dinner warm, okay?'
Kenny remains loyal to Vinnie. Kenny may not know much but he
does know who signs those paychecks. You go Kenny. Now this means that Kenny has only
Patterson and Crisco to hang out with which means they'll be hitting all the old people
bars around town. They could sit around staring at the hair growing out of their ears.
Backstage the Corp are conversing. Rock goes out for fresh
air.... And don't come back, y'hear?
Sable walks down the ramp with Nicole Bass behind her. Good
grief, she's got to be one of the most horrid looking things on the face of this Earth.
I'm talking about Sable by the way. Ha! Sable does her basic grinding. For crying out
loud, she has no beat and there isn't even any music playing! How does one do that?
||Sable vs. Tori vs. Ivory vs. Jacqueline. Jacqueline goes
straight for Sable and immediately shows Sable her impression of Testes. I mean, a bunny.
I mean Testes. What's the diff, right? OH.. sorry.
|Of course Bass protects Sable by putting her ugly
mug in the way. That should stop a train or a kamikaze goose (right, Fabio?). You know,
I'm sure Bass eats appetizers the size of Jacqueline but decides she should just chokeslam
her. She body slams Tori and starts heading towards Ivory who's innocently standing at her
corner. Ivory starts backing up the ropes. 'No NO.. stay away from me, you don't
understand, you're really ugly!!'
|Bass grabs at Ivory's throat and here we see that Ivory's got a
lot of lower teeth. There's got to be about 60 or 70 or 500 of them there. Bass slams
Ivory and basically spends the rest of her airtime screaming the only line she was given,
'You got a problem? You got a problem?? PROBLEM?? YOU???? GOT ONE?? ONE PROBLEM?? YOU
GOT??? A??? '
|Of course, her horrible attempt at improvision
coming out of that hoarse man voice made the world a more ugly place. Even worse, the
camera was getting too close. I'm surprised the lense didn't crack. Hey Sable, do you have
a license for your new dog??
So by now we believe that Bass has a problem. Actually, the
problem is obvious. It's her face and her horrible acting. The WWF crew decides to save
her any more embarassment by shutting the lights off. This also saves those who are
looking at her from any further harm and unnecessary wilting.
||Photo still of one of the upcoming matches which is HHH and
Testes vs. Kane and X-Pac. Testes is in 'I'm ready for my porno shoot' mode. We still
believe he makes the more convincing 'porn star' character than Val Baldheadski Venis.
|Austin enters and talks about Backlash where Shane
will referee his match against the Rock. 'You WILL count one, tuh two, three...' Hey
Stevie, you almost forgot what come after 1?? Then Austin says, 'with Backlash being 2
weeks to go...' I'm surprised you didn't say, 'that equals 4 days..' Austin then says that
he will 'wipe the ring with your stinky ass..' Now that's just downright disgusting. It's
pretty horrid when my cat butthole surfs so imagine that on a larger bunghole scale. Hey,
what brown and sounds like a bell?? DUNG. Sorry, Monty Python plug. As if they need a
Anyways, if Rock has a stinky ass, shouldn't he be
considered the Smelly-Poo? You know, old people do that 'poo' addendum thing. Itchy-poo..
Rock appears on the Titantron and he's hanging out on what he has
named Jabroni Bridge. That was a mighty far walk to get some fresh air, huh? He should
have traveled the Swiss Alps. Anyways, Rock says, 'My ass does not stink.' ..... Well, I
would have said that.
So Rock has Austin's customized belt (customized to fit around
his jelly roll). Rock rolls out the redundant catch phrases and when the audience starts
chiming in, 'BAAAAH... (we are sheep),' Rock says, 'don't do it.. don't do it..' Well if
you don't want them to do it, then come up with new catch phrases, huh? Supposedly Rock
writes all his little ideas for new catch phrases in a book. It probably says the same
thing over and over again, like Jack Nicholson, in the Shining, writing, 'All work and no
play makes Jack a dull boy.'
|Austin's scene is eventually done and he turns around to show
the world that his beer belly has finally spread to his back end. Now he's got beer butt.
Mankind enters the arena and makes a comment about 'I used to play tonsil
hockey with Al Snow..' OH! Hey... Bostin wants to play tonsil hockey with Al. She shoots,
she scores! (I can't do that right now, my husband won't let me. heh...
|Cole is backstage (HAAAA, demoted to backstage
footage, huh? Next will be crawlspace footage. Then eventually, lavatory clean-up). He
says he will try to get a word with Mankind. What word is that? Tremendous?? 'Hey
Mankind... tremendous.' Then Mankind would probably pluck off what little facial hair you
have on your face. Wouldn't take more than 3 plucks. Are you still trying to fool the
world into thinking you passed puberty?
Big Show's entrance
music cues, 'WEEEEELLL...' Inane Man calls this the 'drunken country singer' wailing.
Basically the lyrics aren't any more innovative than, 'He's big, he's in the show.. he's
the big show.' It would have been more amusing to hear, 'he's got a big ass, he's got
panties.. he's got big ass panties.'
This is a handicapped match against the Brood. Eventually, UT's
voice-over tells Gangrel and Edge to leave Christian alone with the Big Guy in the Show.
Being hair-conscious, we notice that Christian forgot to use conditioner. Perhaps he was
sharing a hotel room with Steve Austin which would normally leave those in need of
hair-care products bone dry.
||We're still pretty intrigued by that blue smudge on Gangrel's
temple. Previously I thought (and hoped) it was a sign of rigor mortis. But as we get a
closer shot of it, it's probably a tattoo. By the outline of it, I think it's Woody
Woodpecker. Or a rooster. If it is, whatta tough guy you are, blubber boy.
|Christian tells his fellow Broods (they must be such
a downer at parties, huh?? Brooding all the time.. sorry..) that he'll be alright. 'Don't
worry, I'll just throw some raw meat into the audience. He'll dive right in and flatten
about 500 people in the process. Then he'll get arrested and I'll be on my way home.'
The Big Guy dominates the match. One point it looked like Wight was almost
going to step on Christian's head which would have caused a pretty horrible oozing of
peroxide to come out. Eventually, Wight picks up little Poet Shirt Boy for the
chokeslam and Wight's big sausage thumb is right up Christian's butt. Was that really
necessary for him to be raped by The Big Thumb? (Weeeeellll, He's the Big Thumb...
B.C.) Talk about a stretched out bunghole. Now he's ready for all new comers.
|Rock is waiting for Austin. At this point, Austin is
probably still trying to FIND where Jabroni Bridge is by stopping off at all the Burger
King pit stops making orders and asking for directions. Have it your way.
Shane tells his geek friends to find Mankind and do him some hurting.
Looking at them hurts enough. I don't know if Mankind can withstand it. Then like the bow
wows they are, Shane lets them loose to run in the hallways.
Billy Butt vs. Venis. Camera finds a girl in the audience looking
like, 'my HAIR is bigger than your penis..' She had rather big and frizzy hair though.
There must have been a shortage of conditioner in Detroit. This eventually becomes Battle
of the Shimmery Gay Pastel Tights. No one really wins, you know. Jarrett and Owen run in
to interfere and Debra then stands there to watch Venis gyrate. I think I'd rather watch
Mankind is beating up on the Greenwich posse. He throws out that
dude with the horrible hair and says, 'I hate that damn haircut anyways.' Hey, Chris
Candido has that haircut now which is at least tolerable on him but makes him look about
15 years old. Mankind then hears a female whimpering somewhere in the boiler room. Jim
Ross asks, 'What's that?' It must be Kenny.
Jarrett and Owen with Debra vs. Acolytes.
Bradshaw walks with his toes pointing inwards. Is that called
pigeon-toed? Anyways, he gets in the ring and almost walks like a Bushwhacker. Mr. Farooq
Simmons (when are they going to give him a new name?) then YELLS at a fallen Jarrett which
I think is enough to make Jarrett's eyebrows fall off. The Brood then runs in.
The lights go out and Jim Ross, the professional and great
announcer that he is, sums it all up by saying, '...... Uh.....' My reaction was more in
the lines of, 'zzzzzzz.....'
Undertaker is walking down the ramp AND rolling his eyeballs back
at the same time. What, is he trying to see where he has been? By the way, it looks like
he's got Owen's HUGE kneepads on his elbows. They must be made by the same manufacturer;
the Ahmed Johnson Protective Gear where it LOOKS like you're wearing three pads but have
the comfort of wearing ONE. Since Ahmed Johnson was spending a lot of money for the three
thousand elbow and knee pads that he wore at one time, he figured he would profit from it.
They've got Debra and she's supposed to be crying but.. it looked
more like she just couldn't stand smelling PIG so close to her. UT grabs Debra by the
neck, and she yelps, 'watch the stitches.. you don't wanna see me when my face falls off.'
Meanwhile she's got this lightning shaped vein running diagonally down her forehead.
This even surprises the usually unphased UT. He looks at Debra like, 'DAMN, look
at that vein! Are you a scanner??'
Shamrock runs in with a bat. Hey Kenny, UT is a
creature of the night. He likes bats. Sorry, that's Bostin's joke. (Hey! ...B.C.)
Anyways, UT takes the mic and says to Kenny, 'If you hit me....' then he should say, 'I'll
hit this mat so fast, you'll think I disappeared right in front of your eyes.'
||UT tells him that Ryan is in the boiler room and 'from what
Viscera told me, Ryan's enjoyed every thing that's happened to her.' Kenny yells,
|Okay, I stop. Heaven's no, not Viscera! Maybe she
worked out some diet plan with him. She took him to Weight Watchers.. picked out his daily
meals. Actually I just envision her hopping up and down on Viscera's stomach like a
Eventually Kenny starts swinging.
JR says, 'What's come over Taker??' I'd say a bad script. So
then.. what's UNDER Taker? heh heh.. heh.. ha.. a mat? hah heh.. hehhe hoooo.. (Don't
try to pawn that one off on me! ...B.C.)
Big Boss Man vs. Goldust. The Godfather comes out with a herd of
hoes. Ugly hoes to boot. The redhead with the blue halter/pant combo looked like Al Snow
when he was in drag.
Godfather has some unfinished business with Goldie so he offers
the hoes to Boss Man, who starts swinging his nightstick. That should entice them, huh??
Oh, THAT nightstick. Excuse me. Godfather says that his girls know what to do with that
stick. Yeah, they'd take it from Boss Man and knock him senseless with it. Wouldn't
everybody do that? Boss Man takes all 5 hoes and the match is on.
Godfather's choo-choo move is called the Ho Train. Perhaps he
should have another maneuver called the PIMPle. But this could be a disadvantage to him
since his opponent could just easily pop him and he'd spray white gook all over the ring
and his opponents and then he's done for. Godfather actually wins the Intercontinental
Tit. The hoes run out and Lawler says, 'Hey, the Boss Man is pretty quick.' Nah, I think
the girls just led him to the buffet and he got more turned on by that. Hell, look at the
Kenny finds the boiler room and Mankind directs him to Ryan but
the MOD attack. They've got hold of Kenny as he tries to fight them off by swinging his
one leg to one side.. then the other side. I see that Kenny's dancing experience comes in
handy. He wasn't naked in this scene though. If he was, he could have a third leg to use.
Meanwhile, the camera turns away from the Kenny scene and swings
'AND ACTION!' The MOD are beating up on Mankind as UT is yelling
instructions in the background, 'Take him out!' Gangrel should have bellowed, 'WHERE??' UT
continues, 'HURT HIM!' I could join in. OOOH, GIVE HIM SUCH A PINCH!! Of course, I'd also
say, 'HUG HIM! RUB HIS BELLY!! KISS HIM!!'
Kenny is eventually out and they carry him away for the
'Kenny-fixion' (says Inane Man). Ryan starts her wailing and we notice that she's got a
wedding ring. Oh well, sorry boys, she's taken.
D'Lo with Ivory vs. Hard Holly with Al Snow doing commentary. Al
interferes in this match since he wants Holly to keep the Hardcore belt. Dunno why. Holly
does retain the belt. Dunno why.
UT is speaking to the unconscious Kenny, who is wearing a maroon
graduation gown and lieing on a table. Hey UT, he's unconscious. You better get closer to
his ear. He'll be sure to hear ya then.
Rock is still waiting for Austin. He eventually finds a fishing
pole and yabbers away, making sure he gets all his catch phrases out in one drawl. He
blathers like an old man though. I can just picture him in an old age home talking about
rudy poos and nitro-glycerine jabronis and falling in love with his Jamaican nurse and
calling her 'Momma'.
MOD is ready to crucify Kenny but UT tells them to crucify
Christian as well. Since the Brood remains loyal to their little buddy of the Poet Shirt
Society, a fight ensues enabling Kenny to undo the ties that bind him. Eventually Mankind
joins in the fun. At this point, I figured Ryan Shamrock should run in and leap on top of
Viscera and start pulling out his mohawk hairs one by one, stretching his ears out and
pulling his nostrils up.
X-Pac and Kane vs Testes and HHH (with Chyna). Kane's sporting
his new mask where the mouth slit is placed too high up. It's all the way up to his nose
which makes him look like he's trying to smell his upper lip or something.
I suppose X-Pac and Kane had a little shopping spree which is a
nice way to get to know a new buddy. It was also about time Kane got something snazzy and
new. As Kane is motioning for his fireworks display, he looks to X like, 'You take me
shopping and all you could get me was this new mask?? It's stiff. It itches. It wasn't
even on sale.' X-Pac would reply, 'Hey, it was either that or the C3PO mask.'
When Testes was walking down the ramp, he threw either Kane or
X-Pac a kiss. Either way, you guys better be careful in the showers and don't drop the
soap. Considering the endowment of Testes, it could hurt. I'm talking impalement.
Sorry. Must I be this crude? (You must! You must!
Kane is disrupted by Chyna who is on the ring mat. Kane's
speaking towards her and we could only imagine, in the immortal words of Limp Bizkit, that
he's saying, 'Why you gotta play that game, bitch??!!'
|Kaney dominates most of this match. He's a very angry red man.
As HHH is getting beat up, Testes is in la la land, scoping the audience for fresh young
meat. So HHH slaps/tags him in only to get helped into the ring by Kane
the hard way.
|Meanwhile X-Pac is antsy and wants in. He keeps his
hand out, 'Tag me pleeease.. oh pleeeeeease tag me..' But Kane is busy hurting Testes.
Eventually X-Pac slaps Kane and tags himself in. Meanwhile I'm still in search of X's
sometimes disappearing pac. Now I don't know who remembers this old school kung fu movie
in which a villian had this special skill of retracting his penis and/or nads into his
body. So usually what happened was his opponents are practically beat and they would have
no other choice but to try the last alternative which was to kick him in the nuts. But
Retractable Penis Man would suck everything in, including the opponent's foot (and
probably any small animals nearby) therefore trapping him and breaking his leg. Now since
we see X's pac on and off, and (as the announcers claim) he IS a martial arts expert (ALL
martial arts, huh??) perhaps he specializes in this technique.
Hey.. I know it's outlandish but it happened in a movie. That means it's
As X-Pac is in the ring dealing with the Nelson duo (there ARE
many blonds in the WWF. As for natural blonds, I don't know) Kane is standing by his
corner, blowing a stray strand of hair from his face. Actually he was just breathing
heavy. At least he wasn't reading the turnbuckle this time. I'm sure he went home and
threw away everything there that was Made in Chyna. It's just too heart wrenching.
Eventually, HHH leaves Testes to the Big Red Dude, who gives him
the tombstone. The following is a plea from a Mad Phat fan, N. Mackintosh, to the Big Red
'NEVER tombstone Testes. That is just one very dangerous position
to be in, he could lose an eye or his mask could get knocked off if Testes ever got
excited. Better yet, Vinnie, get this memo out. Under no circumstances do you put Testes'
crotch within 5 feet of your face unless of course you meet his three requirements -
female, jail and bait.'
Mm, in the tombstone position, all I can think of is Kane singing
into a microphone. 'I ain't got no booooody..'
Kane and X retain their titles. X-Pac's got some blood on his lip
though. Let me suck that up for you. Kane is even looking at X like, 'Chyna used to wear
that color lipstick you know.. sniiiiff.'
Rock's pager goes off. He reads, '3:16'. You know, of all the
things he could have paged him, he writes '3:16'? He should have just paged, 'Catch phrase
This was certainly Kenny's night. He enters the ring, takes the
mic and says, 'I've been running around here all night..' He should have added, 'And I'm
really tired.. I'd like to go home now.. have some dinner.. some juice.. ' But he
challenges Mark to 'bring yourself down here... and it's you and me... man ON
man..' OH! Who's on top? Kenny then says, 'Let's bring you down to reality.'
So when Mark gets in, you'll tell him, 'Listen, your
name is Mark Calloway, you're not the Undertaker.. it's Mark.'
UT would quickly reply, 'No it's not.'
Kenny: 'Yes it is!'
UT: 'No it's not.
Kenny: 'Yes it IS!'
UT: 'It's Undertaker. First name Under. Last name Taker. Mr. Taker.. if you're nasty.'
||UT answers the challenge and attacks a Kenny. It's not really
man on man.. but HAND on MAN. UT totally palms Kenny. It's probably equivalent to
mushing down a lump of bread dough. Eventually the MOD enters and they all beat on Kenny.
|HHH and Bossman seemingly save Kenny but they beat him too.
Okay, EVERYONE beat on him. Form a line to the left, in alphabetical order please. He
better get a good meal and a raise after this. As HHH is pounding on him, we notice that
Kenny is just so damn muscular that he's got cleavage on his back. It looks more like a
butt. This doesn't look too good for the blubbered out HHH next to him.
|Rock is fishing. Austin drives in. Hey Stevie, you
should be a little more discreet. Perhaps you should have drove by and snatched the belt
from Rock. OR do it ninja style. Wear the black ninja condom outfit, climb up onto the
bridge and THEN get the belt. Instead, he makes a grand entrance.
||The only thing you were missing was the marching band, a
SteveWeiser float, a Whoop Ass balloon, a megaphone and a hoard of $75 extras. But Rock
somehow gets Austin hanging from the bridge and Stevie's expression says, 'Hey, how'd I
get on THIS side of the bridge? Wait, this wasn't in the script. SABOTAGE!'
|Next shot: throw the mannequin with the camouflage
jacket off the bridge.
Austin was probably standing next to
the cameraman, arms folded, shaking his head, thinking, 'Geez, that was completely
tasteless. I'm glad I didn't participate in that dump.'
This lack of taste is raking in
the bucks though and I want a part of it. Chokee signing off.