By Chokee Slam

ANXIOUS fan of the week! 'HEY! CAMERA! ME!! ME!! HERE! IN FRONT!! MEEEEE!' raw169.jpg (17298 bytes)
raw170.jpg (16309 bytes) Manic fan of the week: When College Nerds Go Ballistic. Easy on the caffeine, guy. Now obviously, we don't know this man personally but in the least, we KNOW that we are just being shallow in commenting on his facial expression. We know the difference. That's a lot more than I can say for some shallow-minded ignorant types in this world. Hey, where are you taking my soap box, BC??  (Over here, so I can stand on it for a while... B.C.)
Rock chauffeurs himself to the arena via hearse. There's a mound of dirt and a grave awaiting Austin. Rock, dressed for the occassion in a pant suit, gets in the ring and shows the world what happens when you've been sitting in a car too long. It's the dreaded bunchy ass wrinkled wedgie from hell syndrome. Hey Rock, ya go to meetings all scruffed up like that? You also forgot your shirt. Did you forget your underwear too? raw171.jpg (18995 bytes)
Rock gloats about throwing Stevie and his belt over the bridge. Mm, it was a mannequin (or some dummy) (which is not a nice thing to say about Stevie, Chokee) (yes, now I'm talking to myself). Rock wants to bury Stevie's dead monkey ass. How are you supposed to bury him when there isn't even a body? I guess you'll have to bury whatever you can get. He may have to get one of Stevie's orphaned, crumpled up jock straps or abandoned neck hair shavings. Perhaps you can get all the crushed beer cans he's left in a trail of inebriation and pile it up in a triangle. I think Stevie is worth the trouble.
raw172.jpg (13682 bytes) The camera gets an over-view of the grave with the handle of the shovel laying on the side which looks more like steps with a railing. See? Well hey, you just don't wanna fall into your grave you know. You should be careful and step lively. Well, if you're dead then.. never mind. By the way, what kind of funeral is it without lillies??
Dogg vs. Owen Hart. Dogg propositions that if he wins the match, Debra will have to show her puppies. Her hush puppies?? Alright.. her oversized, discolored, pulsating, veiny, round puppies.
But for the Mad Phat fans, we have an exclusive of Debra's puppies. Check them out. Now THOSE are cute. Actually, they're pics of Bostin and FNS's dalmatian, Biggles. Meanwhile Lawler's voice is scraggly and he sounds like he's in the early stages of demonic possession. (You say that as if it comes on gradually.   Now, when I was possessed...  oh, never mind... B.C.)  For those of you who didn't know, demon possession starts off with a sore throat, then eventually, spontaneous release of bodily fluids. raw186.jpg (19314 bytes)
Get him some holy Ludens, somebody, STAT! Poor guy. Well, you've got JR with you now.  Unlike Cole, JR is tough and can probably reason with ole B.L. Bub. 'Here, have a devil dog... it's got creeeamy filling...

Owen loses and Debra is ABOUT to strip but hey.. it's family television. More like Manson family on occasion but still.. Jarrett runs in and shields her with the guitar.

Undertaker is talking to the Acolytes in what looks like the inside of a WWF truck. UT is probably saying, 'ye two with the Zoso symbols on your chest.. wrestle..wrestle like you've never wrestled before... ' I seem to have zoned out while UT was speaking since I was pre-occupied with the gnawed center in UT's halter top (chicks probably wanted to get a taste of his cleavage), Bradshaw's big titties and Mr. Simmons intent look ('I can't believe you let those girls gnaw through to your cleavage. It looks ... uh... nice on you buddy but .. oh, never mind. What was that you were saying about wrestling?')

raw173.jpg (12809 bytes) Meanwhile Bradshaw has a lost and bored expression. 'Yeah yeah yeah.. yadda yadda yadda.. are you done yet? Can I gooo?? Can you speak any slower because you know I've got that novel I've always wanted to write. I've got an important meal to put together by the deli tray.' Give him some silly putty, that oughta keep him occupied for a while. Then again he might eat it. Judging by Bradshaw's kid picture, he looks like the glue-sniffing, putty-eating, booger-flicking type.
Eventually the Acolytes do get tired and walk away before UT is finished. UT looks to them, 'HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! I have one more line! It's 'Don't fail me!' Don't choo walk away.. don't... WALK... RESPECT!!' (sorry, Pantera residuals in my brain).

Brood entrance. Hey, they're not being elevated on that little lift this time. Well it was bound to happen. 5 tons of Gangrel would eventually break anything, including my will to live. Alright alright, there was no ramp, therefore no lift. Brood vs. Acolytes.

While Bradshaw was wrestling, the camera cut to Mr. Simmons who looked really disappointed in his partner's abilities. 'Lissen white boy, can't you wrassle? Look at your stomach. I'm gonna put you a strict exercise regime of crunches.. only crunches.. you're gonna crunch everything from your abs to your eyeballs, boy..' raw174.jpg (16414 bytes)
raw175.jpg (16824 bytes) WHOA! Yet again we see that Gangrel's robust derriere cannot be contained in his velvet leggings. That's what you get for trying to wear Christian's tights and swallowing his soul and all that evil stuff. If you start doing good in your life, maybe those warts on your face will go away also. It happens in horror movies you know, when your soul is evil, you've got formaldehyde face. Like Dorian Gray's painting.
JR is talking about Backlash however and that 'the Boy Wonder (Shane)' will referee the Austin/Rock match. Let's hope that Shane doesn't run into the ring with green tights, red vest, a mask and an itty bitty cape screaming, 'Holy Corporations, Bossman, did you see the size of Testes' package??' because then I'm going to be very traumatized.

Speaking of Testes, the storyline seems to be leading up to him getting sprung from the Corporation. We don't know if he'll go solo or to DX, but it would be interesting to see him do a crotch chop. With his ample package, he would merely need to keep his hands at chest level and give a mere flick of the wrist to give his crotch a chop and STILL connect.

Oh, back to the match. Gangrel is not only having a bad 'I farted a hole in the seat of my pants' day (don't you hate those?) but also a bad hair day (hate those equally as much). Here we see that Gangrel possesses 'mall hair'. Well gag me with a stake. Eventually Shamrock runs in with a bat because he detests mall hair. He takes a convincing swing into Bradshaw's belly but fear not all Bradshaw fans (all five of you.. sit down), his blubber protected him. raw176.jpg (18290 bytes)
Backstage UT is pretty upset with the Acolytes' failure. Bearer says, 'It's not their fault!' UT should have said, 'SHUT UP Bearer! You're not the one who got part of your shirt gnawed off and now looks like something Made in Chyna. DAAARN!'

UT tells the Acolytes that their loss is unacceptable and Viscera beats on Mr. Simmons and UT beats on Bradshaw. Say, can't we have an interracial beating?? Does the black man HAVE to beat on another black man?


Godfather vs. Hard Holly. We are still aware of Holly's bunny teeth.. but yo, at least he's got a carrot in his pants. That's a check on the pro list, I'd say.

This was an Intercontinental Tit match but Holly wanted to be in Hardcore mode. Holly broke a broom over Godfather's back.. and I was seriously waiting for him to use one of the broken pieces to pick his bunny teeth with. Sorry. Honestly, Holly's look has improved. The shearing of the hair, the emphasizing of the Hard(ness) within him. Heh. Eventually Goldust and Al Snow interferes. Al hits Holly with Head. Imagine Head vs Holly in a Head match. Who would be more HARDcore. Sorry.

Parents, please monitor your children's internet outings. Anyways, Godfather wins if anyone cares.

Backstage UT is on the cell phone. He's very solemn, very intense. He has some serious issues. But I bet he's experiencing cell phone problems such as the static, the clicking, or the person he's speaking to sounds like he's got his head in the toilet bowl. Even worse, he probably got the dreaded answering machine which automatically triggers the 'Hello?? Hello?? Pick up pick up pick up..' speech.  ("What? are you in the bathroom???  I know you're home!  PICK UP! .............................. Ya know, I don't think he's home, Paul" ...B.C.)

Actually UT is speaking to Mideon. 'Make sure you get me the LARGE size cola, lots of ice. I like ice. It's cold. And I'm a dead guy, you know.' Wow, from this angle, we see that UT has a rather small pointer finger. You know what that means, right? Small nail. Unfortunately the camera cuts off before we could see UT fervently try to remember the cell phone code to safety lock it. 'DAAAARN!'

raw177.jpg (17946 bytes) Kenny enters and is preparing to do his ritualistic scream at the steps by the ring. Maybe everyone can follow along, it's really easy. A) Stick your tongue out and wag it side to side along with your head and freely let the spit sprinkle and shower down on your feet. Make sure you emit all noises that go along with this act. (By the way Kenny, put that thing back in your mouth. There are children present.) Sorry.
B) Make sure your cheeks are flapping about which makes you look like Bart Gunn after the knock-out punch by Butterbean. raw178.jpg (19715 bytes)
raw179.jpg (16373 bytes) C) At this point, I believe that a mouse ran across Kenny's foot and he screamed, 'EEEEEEEE!!!' But it looked like it was part of the ritual so it's alright. Your secret is safe with us.
Kenny vs Big Bossman. Kenny makes a quick dash towards Boss, knocks him down and starts wailing. JR then said, 'It's gonna be a fight!' Ya think so?? Heh. But JR redeems himself by saying, 'Keep an eye on Bossman's scintillating right hand.' Whoa.. scintillating. Better than a tremendous right hand. We are elated to have JR back. There isn't even a noticable slur in his speech. He's back in full form. Welcome back hoss!
During the match, Kenny is supine on the mat and we see lumpage. WhAH-HOO!! Hey, who wants to climb the most dangerous mountain?? Climb Every Mountain was a Sound of Music song, right? It wasn't a dangerous mountain but then again, Julie Andrews was pretty dangerous and she was ON the mountain. Don't let her chastity fool you. raw180.jpg (22818 bytes)
Kenny is in fine form as he performs the frankensteiner on BossMan. Bossy looked a bit lost after this as he sat up on the mat wondering, 'How'd I end up here??'  To that, Kenny screams yet again, but questionably. It was more of a 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHH (breathe) AAAaaah? Hey, I know you. I was just wrestling you. How ya doin', hi.' Maybe Bossie did something to confuse a Kenny like throw him a kiss.
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Eventually the lights go out (hey, someone needs to stop telling UT where the fuse box is. That could solve this problem) and UT's footage is on the Titantron to taunt Kenny. UT knows where Ryan is, he knows which hotel room she's at and he will be knocking. Hey, UT, are you going to disguise yourself as a bell-hop? Hate to break it to you but you've got a pretty recognizable voice. As soon as you say, 'Roooom Seerviiice..' she's gonna know it's you.

The Greenwich Posse of 2 do commentary with JR and Lawler for the Mankind vs. HHH match. Looks like HHH is getting too much sun or sleeping with his head under a tanning lamp because his wrinkles are really starting to show. Either that or Gangrel is swallowing his soul also.

I do wish that the Posse will soon cease to exist in the WWF storylines since they really don't have much to contribute. Pete Gas, with those big eyes, hunched back and thick neck, resembles a frog. So actually, he would have warts to contribute to the WWF. One of them comments, 'hey it's a posse thing.' More like a Dockers thing. They're the Dockers Mafia.

raw183.jpg (20279 bytes) Eventually Mankind gets thrown out of the ring and Pete Frog says, 'You're not so tough right now.. (ribbit)..' Alright, he didn't ribbit. As the match commences, Chyna supports her man by shooting her hairy eyeballs towards Mankind. 'I hate that man.'
Eventually the Dockers Mafia runs in.. to not really do much. The Corporation runs in to beat on poor Mick but the Big One makes the save. HHH throws Testes to the Big One which is equivalent to throwing someone into a huge vortex in space. Before Testes gets chokeslammed, his facial expression screamed a very petrified, 'WHOA!' (Hey, if Testes is kicked out of the corporation, maybe he can tag team it with Wight and be called the Big Package.. N. Mackintosh)

The ref ends up helping Testes limp back to the locker rooms. Poor guy. Testes' only true friend is the ref now which is one little stepladder above Nicole Bass. Mick thanks the Big Pudgy but 'in 6 days we still have a date with destiny in my boiler room.' Whoever this Destiny person is, she lucked out with a date with both them. Well, with Mick, it's lucking out. With Wight, she can sit on his shoulders and at least save a cat from a tree or something. So Wight then sucks his gut in and starts heading backstage. He better walk fast since I don't know how long he can hold his breath. Good thing nobody spoke to him otherwise he'd sound like he was holding a poof of doobage smoke in.

Rock is waiting outside by his new car talking on the cell phone. Are you having a conversation with UT??

It's Too Much Sunn Billy Gunn walking to the ring. Watch it man, you're gonna end up like Hogan; a saddlebag with eyes. Billy Butt vs. Jarrett and of course if Butt wins, Debra has to show her hush puppies. How about just Hush.

During Jarrett's intro, Butt was outside the ring. But as soon as the bell rung, Butt ran into the ring to have Jarrett hit him ('ow'), hit again ('oow'), and again ('oow'), then a kick ('ooh'), then another kick ('oof'). Boy.. he's gooood.

Suddenly we see Owen wandering aimlessly towards the ring. 'Where's my gimmick? My good one, that is...' Keep searching nugget boy.

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raw185.jpg (21957 bytes) Owen then beats on Butt and Dogg runs in to assist. It looked like Butt got excited during this match because he got himself a ponytail erection.  It was a hair woodie. A poney. A hairy. Hairection.
Me stop. Debra tries to interfere by opening up her jacket to flash Butt. Lawler screams, 'Puppies!' while JR returns with, 'they're still holstered!' (We're so glad JR and Lawler are back together). Anyways, this ends the same way the Dogg vs. Owen match did.

Wight vs. Viscera. Viscera enters wearing his mondo size hefty bag jacket. Actually it looks like he may be a leader of the Trenchcoat Mafia. Hey, why not. He's got a trenchcoat, he's 'goth', wears lipstick (I bet he even smokes clove cigarettes) and he sports the most threatening looking MC Hammer pants in the market today. That's deadly. By the way, there's about 1000 pounds in the ring at this moment. It's surprising that they can share space in that ring. We can only hope that they never share a hotel room (let's hope they don't share a HOTEL... B.C) unless the pairing is done correctly of course. Put Wight with Max Mini.  (I'd worry he'd roll over on poor Max in the bed ... B.C.) (Then he'd be called 'Max Squashy' ...C.S)

Lights go out and when UT finally entered the ring, there was this large cloud of dry ice surrounding him. My, did he float a phenomenal air biscuit or what?! UT walks right up to Wight to compare foreheads but is instead taken back. Perhaps Wight didn't SMINT. UT took a step back, looked downward, 'aaaw.. The Big Halitosis Man..' and then hits Wight. Eventually, Mankind comes to the rescue.

Cole is going to interview Vinnie and Stephanie but Cole is seated pretty far away from them. I'm surprised the interview didn't go like this:
Cole: 'So Vince, let's talk about the recent happenings with your son, Shane.'

Not a smart seating plan for interviews, guys. Maybe they should be seated knee to knee.. like in a $20,000 Pyramid game.
Cole starts: 'Big Show... Testes... Holly..'
Vince: 'People with big heads!'
Cole continues: 'Scorpio... Rob Van Dam..'
Vince: 'The Big Butt Brigade!'

We still question why Stephanie acts so pristeen and her eyes always glaze over towards oblivion. (BTW, Oblivion is up, and to the left ... B.C.) And most importantly, with all that money she has, couldn't she buy better shoes? She was sporting some clunky lavender platform mary-janes. Vinnie states that he's always been proud of his son, until last Monday and here we get yet another replay of the slap to poppa's face. But we get more of a kick out of Testes' surprised 'Buckwheat' expression.

Stephanie says, 'sometimes you think you know someone.. (meanwhile she's smiling and almost laughing) We were waiting for her to say, 'well, Shane was... Huh?? Can I have my crayon??' Then she says, 'I don't know what to think anymore....' She should have added, 'look at the pretty you like the bows in my hair??' Perhaps if she was 15 years old, this persona would work but come on. Eventually a security guy tells Vince that there's a problem so Vince runs out screaming, 'GO GO GO GO GO!' Hey, that's exactly what we do when we're running to get a table in a restaurant during lunchtime! Sometimes we even add in a few 'hut hut's.'

Vince finds Mideon at the outside lot and starts beating him up good. Vinnie even gets into the car and seemingly rams it into the wall where Pig Mideon was laying. It's not pulled Pig for dinner that night but squished Pig. Ick. But Mideon drives off..

Venis.. blah blah blah blah.. then Sable comes out also and blah blah blah. As Sable was talking, Venis patiently walked around behind her and then looked at her like, 'Well! What do you know? It's right what they say backstage. It IS a wig! Say, are birds nesting in there?'

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But Ivory and D'lo comes out. JR says, 'it's Ivory and What The Hell Is Going On Here?' She may be Ivory but that ain't What The Hell Is Going On Here. His name is D'lo, JR. Sorry.. that's Bostin again.. what a horrible person she is. Heh.

Ivory goes after Sable.. 'no, not the weave! Twenty horse tails to make this weave!!' but Bass comes in for the save and chokeslams Ivory. Bass however, copped a feel out of Ivory by having her hand totally up her shit. Literally! The humanity. In the least, Ivory did muss up Sable's weave.

Rock comes in and begins his eulogy for Stevie. Austin then drives in the lot in a monster truck and drives it over Rock's car. Rock screams, 'That was custom made for the Rock!' Yeah, I'm sure no one else in this world has a Lincoln .. not a one.

raw187.jpg (19695 bytes) Austin drives right into the arena and finds a great parking space for it, on top of the hearse. Actually I think it got stuck there and he just left it which is the same thing you do with panties that perpetually ride up half your buttcheek. Say, it's been a while since we've spotted the infamous wet spot but it has finally made its appearance again!  Looks more like Austin may have blown a wet fart. Well, whatever it takes to have a wet spot, let it be (or blow).
Stevie throws Rock into the 'grave' which gives him yet a NEW reason to drink more beer. This is reason #7,990,768, you know. But Shane attacks him from behind with the shovel, and holds up the WWF belt for the world to see. At this point, I just imagined someone throwing a beer can and clocking Shane in the head where he would just stiffen up and timber into the grave ala loony tunes style. See how violent Looney Tunes can be?? I always knew the content was not for children.

By the way, speaking of 'not for children', Kaney and X-Pac weren't in this Raw episode. And you all know what that means, right? I've got a car-load of phallic ice pops ready for Backlash.

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