|ANXIOUS fan of the week! 'HEY! CAMERA! ME!! ME!!
HERE! IN FRONT!! MEEEEE!'
||Manic fan of the week: When College Nerds Go
Ballistic. Easy on the caffeine, guy. Now obviously, we don't know this man personally but
in the least, we KNOW that we are just being shallow in commenting on his facial
expression. We know the difference. That's a lot more than I can say for some
shallow-minded ignorant types in this world. Hey, where are you
taking my soap box, BC?? (Over here, so I can stand on it for a while... B.C.)
|Rock chauffeurs himself to the arena via hearse.
There's a mound of dirt and a grave awaiting Austin. Rock, dressed for the occassion in a
pant suit, gets in the ring and shows the world what happens when you've been sitting in a
car too long. It's the dreaded bunchy ass wrinkled wedgie from hell syndrome. Hey Rock, ya
go to meetings all scruffed up like that? You also forgot your shirt. Did you forget your
|Rock gloats about throwing Stevie and
his belt over the bridge. Mm, it was a mannequin (or some dummy) (which is not a nice
thing to say about Stevie, Chokee) (yes, now I'm talking to myself). Rock wants to bury
Stevie's dead monkey ass. How are you supposed to bury him when there isn't even a body? I
guess you'll have to bury whatever you can get. He may have to get one of Stevie's
orphaned, crumpled up jock straps or abandoned neck hair shavings. Perhaps you can get all
the crushed beer cans he's left in a trail of inebriation and pile it up in a triangle. I
think Stevie is worth the trouble.
||The camera gets an over-view of the grave with the
handle of the shovel laying on the side which looks more like steps with a railing. See?
Well hey, you just don't wanna fall into your grave you know. You should be careful and
step lively. Well, if you're dead then.. never mind. By the way, what kind of funeral is
it without lillies??
|Dogg vs. Owen Hart. Dogg propositions
that if he wins the match, Debra will have to show her puppies. Her hush puppies??
Alright.. her oversized, discolored, pulsating, veiny, round puppies.
|But for the Mad Phat fans, we have an exclusive of
Debra's puppies. Check them out. Now THOSE are cute. Actually, they're pics of Bostin and
FNS's dalmatian, Biggles. Meanwhile Lawler's voice is scraggly and he sounds like he's in
the early stages of demonic possession. (You say that as if it comes on gradually.
Now, when I was possessed... oh, never mind... B.C.) For those of
you who didn't know, demon possession starts off with a sore throat, then eventually,
spontaneous release of bodily fluids.
|Get him some holy Ludens, somebody,
STAT! Poor guy. Well, you've got JR with you now. Unlike Cole, JR is tough and can
probably reason with ole B.L. Bub. 'Here, have a devil dog... it's got creeeamy filling...
Owen loses and Debra is ABOUT to strip but hey.. it's family television.
More like Manson family on occasion but still.. Jarrett runs in and shields her
with the guitar.
Undertaker is talking to the Acolytes in what looks like the
inside of a WWF truck. UT is probably saying, 'ye two with the Zoso symbols on your
chest.. wrestle..wrestle like you've never wrestled before... ' I seem to have zoned out
while UT was speaking since I was pre-occupied with the gnawed center in UT's halter top
(chicks probably wanted to get a taste of his cleavage), Bradshaw's big titties and Mr.
Simmons intent look ('I can't believe you let those girls gnaw through to your cleavage.
It looks ... uh... nice on you buddy but .. oh, never mind. What was that you were saying
||Meanwhile Bradshaw has a lost and bored expression.
'Yeah yeah yeah.. yadda yadda yadda.. are you done yet? Can I gooo?? Can you speak any
slower because you know I've got that novel I've always wanted to write. I've got an
important meal to put together by the deli tray.' Give him some silly putty, that oughta
keep him occupied for a while. Then again he might eat it. Judging by Bradshaw's kid
picture, he looks like the glue-sniffing, putty-eating, booger-flicking type.
|Eventually the Acolytes do get tired
and walk away before UT is finished. UT looks to them, 'HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! I have one
more line! It's 'Don't fail me!' Don't choo walk away.. don't... WALK... RESPECT!!'
(sorry, Pantera residuals in my brain).
Hey, they're not being elevated on that little lift this time. Well it was bound to
happen. 5 tons of Gangrel would eventually break anything, including my will to live.
Alright alright, there was no ramp, therefore no lift. Brood vs. Acolytes.
|While Bradshaw was wrestling, the camera cut to Mr.
Simmons who looked really disappointed in his partner's abilities. 'Lissen white boy,
can't you wrassle? Look at your stomach. I'm gonna put you a strict exercise regime of
crunches.. only crunches.. you're gonna crunch everything from your abs to your eyeballs,
||WHOA! Yet again we see that Gangrel's robust
derriere cannot be contained in his velvet leggings. That's what you get for trying to
wear Christian's tights and swallowing his soul and all that evil stuff. If you start
doing good in your life, maybe those warts on your face will go away also. It happens in
horror movies you know, when your soul is evil, you've got formaldehyde face. Like Dorian
|JR is talking about Backlash however
and that 'the Boy Wonder (Shane)' will referee the Austin/Rock match. Let's hope that
Shane doesn't run into the ring with green tights, red vest, a mask and an itty bitty cape
screaming, 'Holy Corporations, Bossman, did you see the size of Testes' package??' because
then I'm going to be very traumatized.
Speaking of Testes,
the storyline seems to be leading up to him getting sprung from the Corporation. We don't
know if he'll go solo or to DX, but it would be interesting to see him do a crotch chop.
With his ample package, he would merely need to keep his hands at chest level and give a
mere flick of the wrist to give his crotch a chop and STILL connect.
|Oh, back to the match. Gangrel is not only having a
bad 'I farted a hole in the seat of my pants' day (don't you hate those?) but also a bad
hair day (hate those equally as much). Here we see that Gangrel possesses 'mall hair'.
Well gag me with a stake. Eventually Shamrock runs in with a bat because he detests mall
hair. He takes a convincing swing into Bradshaw's belly but fear not all Bradshaw fans
(all five of you.. sit down), his blubber protected him.
|Backstage UT is pretty upset with the
Acolytes' failure. Bearer says, 'It's not their fault!' UT should have said, 'SHUT UP
Bearer! You're not the one who got part of your shirt gnawed off and now looks like
something Made in Chyna. DAAARN!'
UT tells the Acolytes
that their loss is unacceptable and Viscera beats on Mr. Simmons and UT beats on Bradshaw.
Say, can't we have an interracial beating?? Does the black man HAVE to beat on another
Godfather vs. Hard Holly. We are still aware of Holly's bunny
teeth.. but yo, at least he's got a carrot in his pants. That's a check on the pro list,
This was an Intercontinental Tit match but Holly wanted to be in
Hardcore mode. Holly broke a broom over Godfather's back.. and I was seriously waiting for
him to use one of the broken pieces to pick his bunny teeth with. Sorry. Honestly, Holly's
look has improved. The shearing of the hair, the emphasizing of the Hard(ness) within him.
Heh. Eventually Goldust and Al Snow interferes. Al hits Holly with Head. Imagine Head vs
Holly in a Head match. Who would be more HARDcore. Sorry.
Parents, please monitor your children's internet outings.
Anyways, Godfather wins if anyone cares.
Backstage UT is on the cell phone. He's very solemn, very
intense. He has some serious issues. But I bet he's experiencing cell phone problems such
as the static, the clicking, or the person he's speaking to sounds like he's got his head
in the toilet bowl. Even worse, he probably got the dreaded answering machine which
automatically triggers the 'Hello?? Hello?? Pick up pick up pick up..' speech. ("What?
are you in the bathroom??? I know you're home! PICK UP!
.............................. Ya know, I don't think he's home, Paul" ...B.C.)
Actually UT is speaking to Mideon. 'Make sure you get me the
LARGE size cola, lots of ice. I like ice. It's cold. And I'm a dead guy, you know.' Wow,
from this angle, we see that UT has a rather small pointer finger. You know what that
means, right? Small nail. Unfortunately the camera cuts off before we could see UT
fervently try to remember the cell phone code to safety lock it. 'DAAAARN!'
||Kenny enters and is preparing to do his ritualistic
scream at the steps by the ring. Maybe everyone can follow along, it's really easy. A)
Stick your tongue out and wag it side to side along with your head and freely let the spit
sprinkle and shower down on your feet. Make sure you emit all noises that go along with
this act. (By the way Kenny, put that thing back in your mouth. There are children
|B) Make sure your cheeks are flapping about which
makes you look like Bart Gunn after the knock-out punch by Butterbean.
||C) At this point, I believe that a mouse ran across
Kenny's foot and he screamed, 'EEEEEEEE!!!' But it looked like it was part of the ritual
so it's alright. Your secret is safe with us.
|Kenny vs Big Bossman. Kenny makes a
quick dash towards Boss, knocks him down and starts wailing. JR then said, 'It's
gonna be a fight!' Ya think so?? Heh. But JR redeems himself by saying, 'Keep an eye on
Bossman's scintillating right hand.' Whoa.. scintillating. Better than a tremendous right
hand. We are elated to have JR back. There isn't even a noticable slur in his speech. He's
back in full form. Welcome back hoss!
|During the match, Kenny is supine on the mat and we
see lumpage. WhAH-HOO!! Hey, who wants to climb the most dangerous mountain?? Climb Every
Mountain was a Sound of Music song, right? It wasn't a dangerous mountain but then again,
Julie Andrews was pretty dangerous and she was ON the mountain. Don't let her chastity
|Kenny is in fine form as he performs the
frankensteiner on BossMan. Bossy looked a bit lost after this as he sat up on the mat
wondering, 'How'd I end up here??' To that, Kenny screams yet again, but
questionably. It was more of a 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHH (breathe) AAAaaah? Hey, I know you. I was
just wrestling you. How ya doin', hi.' Maybe Bossie did something to confuse a Kenny like
throw him a kiss.
|Eventually the lights go out (hey,
someone needs to stop telling UT where the fuse box is. That could solve this problem) and
UT's footage is on the Titantron to taunt Kenny. UT knows where Ryan is, he knows which
hotel room she's at and he will be knocking. Hey, UT, are you going to disguise yourself
as a bell-hop? Hate to break it to you but you've got a pretty recognizable voice. As soon
as you say, 'Roooom Seerviiice..' she's gonna know it's you.
The Greenwich Posse of 2 do commentary with JR and Lawler for the Mankind
vs. HHH match. Looks like HHH is getting too much sun or sleeping with his head under a
tanning lamp because his wrinkles are really starting to show. Either that or Gangrel is
swallowing his soul also.
I do wish that the Posse will soon cease to exist in the WWF
storylines since they really don't have much to contribute. Pete Gas, with those big eyes,
hunched back and thick neck, resembles a frog. So actually, he would have warts to
contribute to the WWF. One of them comments, 'hey it's a posse thing.' More like a Dockers
thing. They're the Dockers Mafia.
||Eventually Mankind gets thrown out of the ring and
Pete Frog says, 'You're not so tough right now.. (ribbit)..' Alright, he didn't ribbit. As
the match commences, Chyna supports her man by shooting her hairy eyeballs towards
Mankind. 'I hate that man.'
|Eventually the Dockers Mafia runs in..
to not really do much. The Corporation runs in to beat on poor Mick but the Big One makes
the save. HHH throws Testes to the Big One which is equivalent to throwing someone into a
huge vortex in space. Before Testes gets chokeslammed, his facial expression screamed a
very petrified, 'WHOA!' (Hey, if Testes is kicked out of the corporation, maybe he can
tag team it with Wight and be called the Big Package.. N. Mackintosh)
The ref ends up helping Testes limp back to the locker rooms. Poor guy.
Testes' only true friend is the ref now which is one little stepladder above Nicole Bass.
Mick thanks the Big Pudgy but 'in 6 days we still have a date with destiny in my boiler
room.' Whoever this Destiny person is, she lucked out with a date with both them. Well,
with Mick, it's lucking out. With Wight, she can sit on his shoulders and at least save a
cat from a tree or something. So Wight then sucks his gut in and starts heading backstage.
He better walk fast since I don't know how long he can hold his breath. Good thing nobody
spoke to him otherwise he'd sound like he was holding a poof of doobage smoke in.
Rock is waiting outside by his new car talking on the cell phone.
Are you having a conversation with UT??
It's Too Much Sunn Billy Gunn walking to the ring. Watch it man,
you're gonna end up like Hogan; a saddlebag with eyes. Billy Butt vs. Jarrett and of
course if Butt wins, Debra has to show her hush puppies. How about just Hush.
|During Jarrett's intro, Butt was outside the ring.
But as soon as the bell rung, Butt ran into the ring to have Jarrett hit him ('ow'), hit
again ('oow'), and again ('oow'), then a kick ('ooh'), then another kick ('oof'). Boy..
Suddenly we see Owen wandering aimlessly
towards the ring. 'Where's my gimmick? My good one, that is...' Keep searching nugget boy.
||Owen then beats on Butt and Dogg runs in to assist.
It looked like Butt got excited during this match because he got himself a ponytail
erection. It was a hair woodie. A poney. A hairy. Hairection.
|Me stop. Debra tries to interfere by
opening up her jacket to flash Butt. Lawler screams, 'Puppies!' while JR returns with,
'they're still holstered!' (We're so glad JR and Lawler are back together). Anyways, this
ends the same way the Dogg vs. Owen match did.
Viscera. Viscera enters wearing his mondo size hefty bag jacket. Actually it looks like he
may be a leader of the Trenchcoat Mafia. Hey, why not. He's got a trenchcoat, he's 'goth',
wears lipstick (I bet he even smokes clove cigarettes) and he sports the most threatening
looking MC Hammer pants in the market today. That's deadly. By the way, there's about 1000
pounds in the ring at this moment. It's surprising that they can share space in that ring.
We can only hope that they never share a hotel room (let's hope they don't share a
HOTEL... B.C) unless the pairing is done correctly of course. Put Wight with Max
Mini. (I'd worry he'd roll over on poor Max in the bed ... B.C.) (Then
he'd be called 'Max Squashy' ...C.S)
Lights go out and when UT finally entered the ring, there was
this large cloud of dry ice surrounding him. My, did he float a phenomenal air biscuit or
what?! UT walks right up to Wight to compare foreheads but is instead taken back. Perhaps
Wight didn't SMINT. UT took a step back, looked downward, 'aaaw.. The Big Halitosis Man..'
and then hits Wight. Eventually, Mankind comes to the rescue.
Cole is going to interview Vinnie and Stephanie but Cole is
seated pretty far away from them. I'm surprised the interview didn't go like this:
Cole: 'So Vince, let's talk about the recent happenings with your son, Shane.'
Vince: 'WHAAAAAT????! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!'
Cole: 'HUUUUH??? YOU HAD A BEER TOO???'
Not a smart seating plan for interviews, guys. Maybe they should
be seated knee to knee.. like in a $20,000 Pyramid game.
Cole starts: 'Big Show... Testes... Holly..'
Vince: 'People with big heads!'
Cole continues: 'Scorpio... Rob Van Dam..'
Vince: 'The Big Butt Brigade!'
We still question why Stephanie acts so pristeen and her eyes
always glaze over towards oblivion. (BTW, Oblivion is up, and to the left ... B.C.)
And most importantly, with all that money she has, couldn't she buy better shoes? She was
sporting some clunky lavender platform mary-janes. Vinnie states that he's always been
proud of his son, until last Monday and here we get yet another replay of the slap to
poppa's face. But we get more of a kick out of Testes' surprised 'Buckwheat' expression.
Stephanie says, 'sometimes you think you know someone..
(meanwhile she's smiling and almost laughing) We were waiting for her to say, 'well, Shane
was... Huh?? Can I have my crayon??' Then she says, 'I don't know what to think
anymore....' She should have added, 'look at the pretty lights...do you like the bows in
my hair??' Perhaps if she was 15 years old, this persona would work but come on.
Eventually a security guy tells Vince that there's a problem so Vince runs out screaming,
'GO GO GO GO GO!' Hey, that's exactly what we do when we're running to get a table in a
restaurant during lunchtime! Sometimes we even add in a few 'hut hut's.'
Vince finds Mideon at the outside lot and starts beating him up
good. Vinnie even gets into the car and seemingly rams it into the wall where Pig Mideon
was laying. It's not pulled Pig for dinner that night but squished Pig. Ick. But Mideon
Venis.. blah blah blah blah.. then Sable comes out also and blah
blah blah. As Sable was talking, Venis patiently walked around behind her and then looked
at her like, 'Well! What do you know? It's right what they say backstage. It IS a wig!
Say, are birds nesting in there?'
|But Ivory and D'lo comes out. JR says,
'it's Ivory and What The Hell Is Going On Here?' She may be Ivory but that ain't What The
Hell Is Going On Here. His name is D'lo, JR. Sorry.. that's Bostin again.. what a horrible
person she is. Heh.
Ivory goes after Sable.. 'no, not the
weave! Twenty horse tails to make this weave!!' but Bass comes in for the save and
chokeslams Ivory. Bass however, copped a feel out of Ivory by having her hand totally up
her shit. Literally! The humanity. In the least, Ivory did muss up Sable's weave.
Rock comes in and begins his eulogy for Stevie. Austin then
drives in the lot in a monster truck and drives it over Rock's car. Rock screams, 'That
was custom made for the Rock!' Yeah, I'm sure no one else in this world has a Lincoln ..
not a one.
||Austin drives right into the arena and finds a great
parking space for it, on top of the hearse. Actually I think it got stuck there and he
just left it which is the same thing you do with panties that perpetually ride up half
your buttcheek. Say, it's been a while since we've spotted the infamous wet spot but it
has finally made its appearance again! Looks more like Austin may have blown a wet
fart. Well, whatever it takes to have a wet spot, let it be (or blow).
|Stevie throws Rock into the 'grave'
which gives him yet a NEW reason to drink more beer. This is reason #7,990,768, you know.
But Shane attacks him from behind with the shovel, and holds up the WWF belt for the world
to see. At this point, I just imagined someone throwing a beer can and clocking Shane in
the head where he would just stiffen up and timber into the grave ala loony tunes style.
See how violent Looney Tunes can be?? I always knew the content was not for children.
By the way, speaking of 'not for children', Kaney and X-Pac weren't in
this Raw episode. And you all know what that means, right? I've got a car-load of phallic
ice pops ready for Backlash.