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By Chokee Slam
Hartford, CT
| A stretch limo arrives and the driver comes out and ... stands by the door that's
being opened by Vince McMahon. Good job there, driver. I'm sure they'll recommend you for
other door opening duties. Signage: SHUT UP UNDERTAKER. The dude holding this sign was
the amusing thing though. He looked like he was taking a whiff of his own underarm. Shut
up, Underpit. |
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Rock enters to dribble out catch phrases and tells Stevie that he's got a candy ass. So
uh Rock, have you actually tasted Stevie's ass to deem it so? Was it sweet, hard, spicy or
have gooey parfait in it? Thought for the day. By the way, Stevie's ass probably tastes
like beer.
Rock is blathering about Backlash and that Shane wasn't to interfere in his match with
Austin, which prompts the Corporate Team to come out (along with the 'Mean Street Posse'.
Here comes Pete Frog. Ribbit). Now let's evaluate that other Posse member, the
one with the bad hair. Honestly I have no idea what this guy's name is and I reckon it's
not something that would enrich my life any so don't anybody email me with this
information. BUT we do know that he's got horrific hair. It's a style that died in the
80's, it's outdated, it's fried, probably crunchy, very Flock of Seagulls.
Shane tells Rock to take his attitude out of his face and then.. pouts. Shane cannot,
for the life of him, look mean at all. Instead, he looks like some brat kid who just had
his Big Wheel with the tassles on the handles stolen by that big pimply bully down the
block. Or the GI Joe with the kung fu grip. Those are ultimate cruel acts to enact upon a
young child.
So the Corp Team eventually starts beating up on Rock. The Back Street Posse are
basically useless in these situations and I'm expecting Pete Frog to, in the least, hop
around and catch flies with his tongue. That would be more impressive but Frog and his
friend of the Seagulls are just backdrop.
Was that getting obscure or what?
When the Team is done beating on the Rock, Rock gets up and .... says a catch phrase.
Was that the best you could do?? That was equivalent to 'oh yeah??! Well sticks and stones
may break my bones but..' By the way, Rock has mastered the art of consistently draping
things over his Frankentitty (from title belts, to shirts..). This week it seemed like his
shirt was sewn onto his chest. (Probably used double stick tape ... B.C.) |
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Photo still of upcoming match: Big Thing and Mankind vs. Testes and Big Boss Man. Boss
Man, who is situated behind the voguing Testes, has this shit-eating grin on his face
which leads us to believe that he MUST be grabbing some Testes derriere. Way to be! |
| Vince is backstage with Patterson and Crisco (on Backlash, UT drove off
with the limo and Stephanie. This saga continues). Patterson, in serious drama mode, said,
'Vince, you should tall the cops??' Good going there, Crackhead Bob's long lost
dad. Vince then states, 'If that son of a bitch in any way harms Stephanie.... (pause)..'
then..... I guess the only thing Vince CAN do is pace in a room and say, 'if that son of a
bitch in any way harms Stephanie..' The Brood emerges from their ring of fire. Let's all
pray that Gangrel doesn't release another 'blow a hole in the seat of your pants' fart
because that could be pretty dangerous, what with being so close to the fire. |
| Gangrel and Edge vs. X-Pac and Kane. In X-Pac's entrance footage he's sticking his
tongue out but looks more like he's going to cough up a hairball. (Damn!!!! He's
got a big tongue!!!! WAY TO BE! ...B.C.) X-Pac is introduced as 'one half of
the tag team champions.' Don't you mean one quarter? He's pretty small compared to Kane. |
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| Kane then enters. I suppose I'm still not used to his new mask. Perhaps
Kane's thinking, 'Good thing I Armour All'd this mask. I bet it looks sassy.. and stiff.' |
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During this match, X-Pac does the bronco move on Gangrel's face. After the 3rd
sit-down, Gangrel let his head go foward and it looked like X-Pac SAT on his head. That,
of course, proves VERY dangerous for Gangrel (who could suffer a neck injury) and
especially for X-Pac, who would have this melon sized head wedged into his rectum and my,
that's just not right in this world. |
| X and Kane wins this match by the way but then the lights go out. At this
point, someone in the audience should point a HUGE halogen spotlight onto them to see
exactly what they do prior to bloodbath. Perhaps we'd catch them all sitting Indian style,
playing a game of jacks or something. At least just the first round. Kane gets the
bloodbath and since X-Pac is the only dude standing near him, Kane chokeslams him.
Backstage Vince is still pacing. The phone rings. Of course it's UT, who says that
Stephanie 'is fine, she's real fine.' I don't know.. I figured she was a little coarse.
Sorry.
Vince tells UT, 'If you harm one hair on her head...' There you go
Vinnie, you just
egged him on. You know you should never tell people what they SHOULDN'T do. Now I'm sure
that UT did something drastic like yank one hair off her head or washed her hair and
didn't let her use conditioner which of course led to split ends. This would, of course,
harm the hair on her head.
UT wants Stevie to deliver 'the papers', which I suppose would turn Vince's enterprise
over to UT. The papers, huh? Due to Vinnie's love for his daughter, he probably
went out and got loads of paper. Bond, onion skin, tracing, wax, erasable, rolling,
construction... (Loose leaf...B.C.)
Cole announces Stevie to the ring. We notice that Stevie's got a band-aid on his knee.
Ah, this further proves our belief that wrestlers DO shave parts of their bodies. The knee
is always a very hard spot to shave, due to the hills and valleys, so the majority of the
human race tends to leave this part hairy which explains the large population of
hairy-kneed peoples. Stevie was bold though and decided to give it a try.
Sigh.
Austin grabs the mic and tells Cole to get his ass out of the ring. At this point, Cole
should have just stuck his ass out through the ropes but kept the rest of his body in and
then started interviewing Austin. But then Cole isn't sarcastic or funny or any of that
good stuff.. so he left the ring.
Vinnie enters to ask for Austin's help in getting his daughter back. After Stevie does
his little impression of Foghorn Leghorn by saying, 'That's whut.. I say.. that's whut I
want..', (he should have continued, 'speak UP boy, I cain't hear you!') and instead says
that he needs Vinnie ... to kiss his ass. Do you really need that,
Stevie? If I were you,
I wouldn't trust Vinnie by your backside, I think he bites. Besides, I think you can
probably get other people who will more willingly do it and probably make it an enjoyable
thing. But..
Please don't fart.
Backstage, Vince is at a loss. He'll have to deliver the 'papers' himself. |
| Venis vs. D'Lo. Venis does this move in which he's about to do an armlock (something
like that) but instead gyrates first. Can we say, 'Buh-KOK'. This looks more like the
dreaded chicken stance. Nicole Bass eventually comes in to distract Venis with her mug..
and Venis loses. Ivory then pounces on Bass which normally leaves Ivory on her back. |
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| Austin is walking backstage and passes Wight. Austin says,
'Whut you lookin' at??' Wight says, 'Hey, it's his daughter..' Well well is he showing some big
heart?? Well, it'd go with his big thumb. AND imagine how big his big toe must be. I'd say
it's easily the size of Bostin's head. HHH (with
Chyna) vs. Too Much Sunn Billy Gunn.
Billy Sunn Butt has new entrance music now which I think is done by the same dude who
wrote The Big Show's music. This time, Butt's lyrics goes, 'I'm an ass man...' In other
words, 'I'm an ass... I'm a man.. I'm an ass man'.
There's something wrong with your song writing team,
WWF. Butt runs into the ring and
HHH went right in and hit him ('OOF'). Just for having that entrance theme music, HHH put
the hurting on Butt. Can you blame the guy?
During this match, Butt does the crotch chop and along with each chop, he says, 'Suck
..... My...... Dick.....' HHH should have returned the chopping and answered, 'I .......
Don't...... Have......A........ Microscope!'
Uh.. who won this match?
X-Pac is irate and scoping the backstage area for Kane. Aw X, I'm sure Kane didn't
really mean to do it. You know, you catch him on a bad day and sometimes he loses control.
So Kane must be hiding somewhere feeling guilty. He's perhaps standing up against a wall
with a tall lamp in front of him... or with a towel over his head. Trying to find a black
and red wall to stand against.
Mankind and Big Show vs. Testes and Boss Man. Cue in Big Show's music..
'WEEEELLLL,
He's got the Big Thumb.... He's got a BIG TOE too...' |
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Wow, he's got this mammoth bandage on his forehead too. I think it must be about 3
miles wide. Just kidding. But I'm still pretty sure if I put that bandage on my face, I'd
wrap it around my head at least twice. Wight gets in the ring and shows everyone the
Crying Face. I guess he's pretty upset that he's.. upset or .. something. |
| This match commences and Testes and Boss are having their differences. At
one moment, Testes is lieing face down on the mat and his ass is perking mighty high. I
guess his ample package is pushing his pelvic region up, therefore creating the mound of
buttage. That's probably better than him spearing a hole into the mat. |
| Another point, Testes is standing by his corner watching the action but is rather
delicate about his standing. Can we say, 'can you get me some dong quai tea and some lady
fingers?' In Margaret Cho's immortal words, 'Is he THE GAY???' |
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| At this point, we're still speculating about the HUGENESS that is Wight.
On the Stern show he stated that he's proportioned all over. SO, how BIG must his tongue
be? Has anyone seen those HUGE cow tongues sold in supermarket's meat sections? |
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Finally, towards the end, Bossman throws Testes to Wight ... so that they can
have a nice kiss. SMOOCH. See, we like seeing this showmanship in the ring.. utter
respect, care and love amongst these gladiators. |
| Testes and Boss lose the match and they're at odds again. Testes hits Boss
first but then made the common mistake that wrestlers always make (go figure) of turning
his back on the man with a nightstick. Our suggestion was that Testes uses his OWN natural
stick as a weapon. He would just need to swing around quickly (as fast as Bart Gunn spun
around after Butterbean hit him), and like a whipping tail, the shlong would knock Boss
over. Boss hits Testes in the kidney area and walks off, but not before he tells the
camera dude, 'He's gotta learn to live and learn!' That's like he's gotta LIVE to ...
LIVE!! Well, that's not too profound, I must say.
Vince is outside waiting for UT to arrive. Austin is in the arena, walks by a monitor
to see that Vince is waiting. Suddenly JR's voice BOOMS overhead and says, 'He's gotta be
intrigued.' Stevie should have screamed to the voice, 'I'm not intrigued!' Damn voices in
his head.. he figured he got rid of them a long time ago.
Meanwhile in another part of the arena, Al is getting beat up by Hard and eventually,
Hard kidnaps Head. Mean mean person. |
| The Cleavage segment. This was crude and downright immature. Are you guys taking Mad
Phat ideas or something?? It's actually Mosh who's playing this new Leave it to Beaver
type character. His momma goes over to him and says, 'Mother's little Ha(i)rry Beaver
wants some mother's milk?' This was baaaaad. It was soooo bad that (cut to next shot)
even the Rock disapproved. |
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He's thinking, 'OH, I so disapprove.' He got over it though and just resumed with
mustering up his phlegm to do the ultimate loogie hawking. I suppose he's really hoping
that this becomes an Olympic sport. |
| Jeff Jarrett with Debra. Looks like Debra's grown a new wig of hair.
Either that or she's got Goldust's wig. Jarrett vs. Godfather. Godfather's got one of the
same hoes he had on Backlash. She's got the short brown bob-cut hair, she's Olive
Oil-like, long, gangly, and completely flat chested. She's shaped like a gourd. |
| Then the camera cuts to Jarrett who's got his hair styled like the FTD Flower Delivery
Dude with the flounce. Anyways, if Godfather wins the match, Debra has to join the Hoe
Train. Yo Papa Shango, I think she'd be more willing to go with you if you weren't wearing
orderly pants. |
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| Venis enters to go after Debra but Bass is right behind him. Boy, Val just
doesn't know how to pick them. Debra is old enough to be his mother and the
femme-challenged Bass is manly enough to be his father. Well there you go, you got new
parents. Godfather wins the match if anyone cares.
Now here's something that MORE exciting. Vince is still waiting.
Cut to PMS hanging around their new 'slave'. Stasiak or something. Well, that's a
catchy name, huh? It's like trying to remember Gerboraghuilkinski. Terri Runnels says
about him, (Stasiak, not Gerboraghuilkinski) 'Can he be hotter???' Uh.. you're setting the
standards too high. First of all, he needs to be hot. Hell, he needs to be good looking.
Then tell him that the Caesar haircut didn't do anything for no body. (Not even
Caesar! ...B.C.)
We get a flashback of the Backlash match where Kenny put the ankle lock on UT. JR
announced, '.. and then along came Bradshaw...' Ooh, sounds like a nursery rhyme. We
finish it.
And then along came Bradshaw
and sat down beside them
and frightened Ms. Kenny away.
Well, wasn't that cute. (Cute, but it didn't rhyme...B.C.) |
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Bradshaw vs. Kenny (with his new friend, Bat). Mr. Farooq Simmons runs in to
interefere though, then Testes helps Kenny out. Testes gives Mr. Simmons a nice
clothesline and judging by the veins popping out of Testes' arm and neck, he's a
scanner. Scanner Testes. |
| Shamrock, in the only way he knows how to show appreciation, looks Testes over..
'uuugh.. your testes are bigger than MINE!' and Kenny approves, therefore handing the bat
over to Testes. He may have been asking him, 'is this your size??' Testes would reply,
'Yeah.. that's about right..' Oh my. Mercy. |
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Shane enters. We get a flashback of the Corp beating on Rock and this enables us to
catch the important things we may have missed prior. Again, the Seagull posse shows his
ability in helping the corporation by looking like he's really needing to take a piss. |
| Shane vs. Rock. But the Posse runs in. Well, Frog hops in.
Heh. SO while
the Corp Members are working Rock over, we see Pete Frog (sounds like a nursery rhyme
character, ya?) trying to hold Hebner back by barricading him against the corner
turnbuckle. BUT Frog is rubbing his ass on Hebner's front side! YO! I don't think he
swings that way! Or are you rubbing your scent on him?? Trying to give him warts?
Meanwhile I'm sure Hebner is back there screaming, 'OH GOD!! PLEASE TAKE ME TO A SAFE
PLACE!!' Vince is still waiting.
Ministry has Stephanie, in the arena and is dragging her somewhere. She protests,
'AAAAAAAAHHH!!' What did you say after the 'aaah' part? Didn't quite get that.
X-Pac is in the ring. He says to Kane, 'I've been looking all over the building for
you. ' Hey X, how can you miss him?? Unless he hides in a store of antique masks, and
kinda sits his face along side the other masks*. Like that ET segment where ET pretended
to be a stuffed toy.
But Owen and Jarrett attack him. See the devastation when Owens and Jarretts attack.
Kaney comes to the rescue and still has the 'blood' on his exposed arm. We imagine this is
what he'd look like if he tanned. Definitely lobster syndrome.
X still has some choice words for the Big Red One though but ends up shoving him which
leaves X a recipient of a chokeslam. Poor X. It's tough love, you know? Kane is about to
leave the ring, stops and actually thinks about what he has done. Through his body
language, it seemed Kane said, 'I... ahh.. oh.. aaaw.. I'm sorry little buddy... I really
didn't mean to do that.. aw.. come here..' He rolls X-Pac onto his face, then slings him
on his shoulder and walks off with him. Maybe Kane will take him up to the the Empire
State Building and growl at the airplanes.
As Kane is taking X away, X has a full and continuous view of .. Kane butt! It's a good
place to be. It's good.
UT footage plays on the Titantron. In one part, UT's holding two candles and slowly
moving it sideways. I thought he was doing some gothic version of the Cabbage Patch. I
don't really see UT dancing, especially not in that robe, unless he was holding the robe
up and doing some fancy footwork. But these are the things that most will never be able to
relish.
The Ministry carry in the UT symbol with Stephanie strapped to it. They bring it to the
ring and the 'wedding' is to commence.
They put some funky shoes on Stephanie (well, at least they're not the mary
janes) and
wow, they were thoughtful enough to put those non-skid patches on the sole of the shoes!
Well, you know you don't want to be slipping off the symbol and all. Still, for this
occasion it would have been appropriate to get her some pointed skull buckle boots or
something. |
| As Bearer continues with the recital, Stephanie screams,
'AAAAAAH!' I think she's been
training with Kenny. She screams throughout, 'NOOOOOOO!' Given time, I think she would
have eventually succumbed to the dark side like so..' NOOOOOOOooh alright.' Kenny runs
in but they get a hold of him. Bradshaw REALLY got a hold of him. I don't think you
know him well enough to be that close to him, Mr. Brad Shaw. |
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Eventually Wight comes in to help and clears out some of them but UT hits him with the
bat. Eventually Stevie rescues Stephanie, unties her and she runs to hug him. Austin made
sure he didn't touch her though (you know, those first dates and all..) (or perhaps he's
in his 'girls are icky' stage.. what with the recent divorce..). |
| It would be an interesting angle to see Stephanie get a huge crush on
Stevie for saving her, which would of course piss off McMahon. He loves his daughter
so much and he will abide by her wishes. Even if her wishes are to wear those gawdy klunky
mary jane shoes. Well, I'll leave the storytelling to the WWF. This is
Chokee.. and I
once had pointed toed buckle boots. The tips always caved in and started folding though so
they instead became gothic elf shoes. Highly NOT recommended. I've grown up since.
*classic reference by Lazarus Poe
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