By Chokee Slam

Somewhere in California (If it matters, I think it was San Diego ... B.C.)

Corporate Ministry enters.
(They're like that old Reese's commercial. Taker would say, 'You got your Corporation in my Ministry!' Shane replies, 'Well, you got your Ministry in my Corporation!' Then Lawler would comment, 'Two evil entities that work great together..... Rhiannon) True! All I have to say is, if anyone of them are in the other, I hope it doesn't break off.

Also, another oxymoron (or just a moron) is HHH wearing that huge cross necklace. Why isn't that thing just melting into his chest or something?

JR kicks off the show and says, 'JR here with the teflon king.' Ooh, that means you can cook an egg on him and it won't stick to him? I'm sure many things stick to him such as girls who cross the border with him. Oops.. sorry. Still, being the teflon king, he'll need to be replaced every few years otherwise bits of him will start falling off.. like when you're baking cookies on him.

Mideon gets into the ring and crouches down. Hey, will you get up. The ring is not a toilet, you know. Little kids crouch down like that when they can't reach a toilet and they really gots to go. Meanwhile, UT's got a nice new Samurai haircut. Oh, did I say nice? Uh.. I meant it's..... interesting (interesting = a word you use to describe something you think is unflattering but you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.)

Shane starts rolling his monologue again and he proves to be so interesting that Bradshaw has taken to staring at his own breasts. 'WOW, they are big!' Some time ago, we've acknowledged that Bradshaw looks really good only when he has clothes on. He had sunglasses, a shirt, a doo-rag, pants, probably even a big ass watch, a toe ring and a girdle. SO, I bet that if he was wrapped up like a mummy, he'd be so downright irresistable!

Oh, Shane is badgering the audience. He says, 'I can only imagine what it's like to go to the liquor store, get the cheapest vodka..' and at this point, he looked at Boss Man. Lord knows why, huh? To continue, '.. and drown your sorrows away every Friday night...' Hey, Shane, we take offense to that. That's every Tuesday to Thursday nights and it's not cheap vodka. It's cheap rum.

Shane continues mocking the audience, 'I hate my boss, I hate my life, I hate my wife..' (which is the anti-mantra to Al Snow's 'I love my wife, I love my children, I love my wife, I love my children..').

raw206.jpg (17911 bytes) Shane continues, 'I got the looks, money, brain power...' I think your brain power is running on daddy fuel though. By the way, as for the 'got looks' claim, we have evidence (see picture) that says otherwise. If you wanted to say, 'I have a goofy look,' then we're more apt to believe you.

It's UT's turn to speak. He says to Austin, 'Awstin, I'm gonna beat you like you never been beaten before.' You mean you're going to do something like beat him with a fish? I bet he's never been beaten with a fish before. (What about a wet noodle?... B.C.) What about a wet noodle??

By the way, the Posse are not in their required gothic uniform. They being part of the 'Corporate Ministry' now shouldn't be wearing their yuppie clothes. This basically leaves themselves in a position in which they should be beating themselves up. Oh pardon me, goths aren't necessarily a violent bunch but have recently gotten some bad slack due to the Columbine massacre. As per the media, remember, if you see a goth, be very careful. They're liable to slink down in a dark corner and get depressed.

Eventually the 'Union' which is comprised of Mankind, Big Show, Testes and Shamrock come out. They're more like the 2x4 crew. Actually, in order to be a real union, y'all should have signs on the end of those 2x4's.

As Shane is speaking to Big Wight, the camera tries to do something aesthetic which is to have Wight in the foreground while Shane's head is on the Titantron in the background. This looks quite a bit like those high school yearbook pictures. I don't know how many are familiar with this. They take one frontal shot of your face to be placed in the foreground. Then they superimpose a dreamy looking shot of your head (keep in mind, JUST your head) which is floating in the background above your other head. raw207.jpg (11217 bytes)

This was always morose to me and I figured that I should be screaming in fear of this 'decapitated' head instead of looking like a chick who is taking a yearbook picture.

raw208.jpg (16199 bytes) As Mankind is speaking, Testes seems a little bored. He takes his 2x4 (actually it's more like 15x30), puts it in between his legs and starts stroking it. Oh my.  Be careful there big shlong one, you don't want to get splinters when you're stroking your wood. (Don't stroke too fast either, you might start a fire.... B.C.) By the way, we firmly believe that Testes is in their little group because he probably always gets the girls flocking to him. Eventually the Union starts heading towards the ring to attack.

Billy Butt vs. X-Pac. Who the hell is writing music for the WWF these days?? Night Ranger? Now as we watch little X-Pac bouncing down the ramp, it brings to mind that he must be so playful in bed. He probably bounces around all over the place.. or sticking that big tongue out. Or bouncing his big tongue around.  (OH MY! ... B.C.)

As the match progresses, JR tries to say some good words about Butt but come on, who are you trying to kid? How much did Butt pay you to say those things? I know you want to say he's ugly and he's ugly and most definitely ugly. By the way, he's also ugly. Having an ugly character doesn't help his ugliness either. It accentuates the uglinacity of his ugliness.

X-Pac almost got the pin on Butt but alas, it was a no. Poor X-Pac was so distraught though that he must have emitted a, 'OOOOOH WHYYYYY????!! GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!!!' raw209.jpg (18555 bytes)

To continue, X was about to do the bronco move but Butt (two butts! that's 4 cheeks!) stuck his foot out and it connected smack dab center. Aw, you could have made it go all the way up through the top of X's head. Gee, to think X's pac was doing a disappearing act once in a while already. By the way, Butt........... ugly.

Oh. Butt wins and gets the chair to try to do more damage. Road Dogg runs in but instead gets some fists from Butt (Ugly). Then the lights go out. Okay, now audience, be patient, we've seen this happen before. It'll be a good 9 minutes before Kane makes it to the ring. Give him some time. It's worth the wait.

Butt slinks away but not before the camera got a damn butt ugly shot of his face. Was that really necessary? I was blinded, you know. Kane then carries X-Pac away and left Dogg in the ring. He hasn't grown a fondness for Dogg yet I reckon. 'You're on your own, Octopus head,' he may have thought. Kane slings X over his shoulder and he should have patted his ass and said, 'There there honey.. everything will be alright. Nice butt by the way.'

raw210.jpg (20265 bytes) Unfortunately we get a 'Moments Ago' replay of Butt's face with mall hair and Bart Simpson looking lips.

Corporate Ministry enters to yap. Shane sets up a few matches for this evening while Vince, his wife and daughter are in the back watching this on the telly. Shane sets up an evening gown match between Debra and Sable. Vince's expression said, 'Aaaaw, that's just shameless. I would NEVER do that. I've NEVER done that before.'

Eventually Vinnie and family enter the ring to confront Shane. But Shane says to Vince, 'The only thing I wanna take now is your ass.' You know, that's just downright dirty and sick. He's your father for cryin' out loud!

The mother tries to reason with Shane but he tells her to shut up and everyone is just appalled. Oh sure, like y'all never ONCE in your life told your mother to shut up. Or to stop perming her hair. Or to stop farting when she's walking around the house. Or to stop using the tv guide as toilet paper.

Shane confesses that it was his doing in the Stephanie kidnapping. He screams, 'It was MEEEEE!!' SO it was you huh?? Vince runs into the ring then.... to have everyone beat up on him. If that's what he wanted, I'd say Mission Accomplished!

Backstage, Stephanie and Linda are telling Vince that he can't wrestle Shane. But Vince must do it. So he tells the little cop standing next to Stephanie, 'You.... ' He should have stopped in mid sentence to say, 'You... hey, who the hell are you? Stephanie is even taller than you! You're supposed to protect her?? Get outta here, you.. you person who I don't know.'

The Posse are in the ring and Flock of Seagull Head is talking. God, the camera really shouldn't get that close because he looks like he's 50 years old. We're supposed to believe that he's Shane's age? The Stooges Next Generation* vs. Brisco and Patterson. This match was basically the 'sloppy half assed wrestler move' match. Brisco and Patterson actually won this.

Backstage, the Ministry are walking somewhere. JR asks, 'What are they doing??' Mm.. looks like walking. Just one foot in front of the other type of walking, not the manic butt swinging type of walk. (You mean 'power walking'?? ... B.C.)  Though I would have liked to see that.

Testes vs. Boss Man, Viscera and Mideon in a 4 way match. Oh my.. don't worry, there's enough Testes to go around for all of them. Mideon did this move on Testes where he held Testes' chin on his head and then dropped to his knees. This could have been a fatal move. Testes' bunny teeth could have been driven right up into his cranium there. Thankfully, he was alright and bunny teeth were intact.

But judging from this picture, Testes looks like he's been violated in all the wrong possible ways. Porno shot #3,289 (see how Testes proves to be a more convincing 'porno star' character than Venis would?). raw211.jpg (15258 bytes)

Testes wins but they all beat up on him. Jealousing, they are. The Union runs in to save him. They want to make sure their chick magnet is alright and up and running for that evening. Just kidding. Mankind and Kenny are married. I don't know about Wight. Testes is definitely single.

Backstage, HHH comes out of a room, shaking his hand. They had just beaten up on Vinnie and it looks like Vinnie was lucky enough to take a bite out of HHH's hand. Way to go, Vinnie! By the way, check out Vince's 'office'. It's a bathroom! My, he's gone down the lowest rung of the ladder. Well, at least he'll always have his bowels free and his hands clean.

Shane enters the ring AGAIN (why don't you just stay in there and have all the wrestlers wrestle around you?) and calls Vinnie out. They have to wrestle you know. Shane says, 'I know you got the grapefruits..' Yeah sure, but what about kumquats?? What about those exotic little asian plums?? By the way, we've noticed from looking at Shane's physique that he suffers from cop butt. Very hippy, he is. Then again, perhaps it's just his preference in clothing.

Vinnie creeps out.. acting all hurt.. but actually wins this match.

Commercial of Steve Austin's Limited Edition Rattlesnake shirt. You know the shirt, he's got his arms up and his hands morphed into Rattlesnakes. It's the Karate Rattlesnake. I'm sure many people thought it was a disgusting shirt so this is why it's Limited Edition now. That usually means 'it ain't selling and we have a warehouse full of it so we gotta put an enticing lable on it. Please buy it.'

Another 'Moments Ago' replay when they were beating Vinnie up in his 'office'. You can see Bearer coming out of there laughing like they all had such a good time. He's like, 'HAHAHA, oh you should have seen what we did back there... there was a pony and ... oh.. geez, I guess you had to be there..'

Mankind vs. Acolytes in a Hardcore Handicap Match. So Bradshaw's the handicap, right?? OH! Actually Bradshaw comes in carrying this big ass shovel. I guess that's a pooper scooper for the likes of Wight.. or Wight's dog.

This match gets pretty hardcore. Mankind throws a bag of cotton candy at them! That's gonna leave a mark. Or at least a sticky spot. He also throws a box of ghost turds at them. Ghost turds are those box packing styrofoam things by the way.

Unfortunately, Mankind loses and is laid out on the canvas.

raw212.jpg (20269 bytes) Kenny vs. HHH with Chyna as special ref. Hey, I ... firmly .... believe Kenny .... will win. Yeah.. Chyna ends up frisking Kenny and then makes a hand motion indicating that Kenny is small. You've GOT to be kidding! Oh actually, if it's in comparison to HHH's nose, then yeah, Kenny's package is rather small.

Really, what are you BLIND??! Kenny's got eggplant power in his pants! Kenny looked at her like, 'Look, don't make me hit you with it.. it'll knock you out and send you back to yesterday and you'll never want to come back.' Geez, macho men.

I bet HHH was mighty jealous of Kenny's package that one point in the match, he had Kenny in a corner and started mushing his face like it was bread dough. What are you trying to do, put his nose on his chin or something?? In spite of popular belief, Kenny is not Mr. Potatoe Head.

Hi Kenny! We like you, we really really do.

Speaking of faces and the rearranging of features, Chyna doesn't have enough eye make-up on. I think she needs another set of fake eyelashes. She's pretending to not see the foul play in the match. If she had just worn some massively bushy eyebrows, then she'd have a legitimate excuse to really NOT see what was going on. Chyna interferes in the match (hey, I didn't see that coming) but Kenny eventually tires of this and he stands in front of her to really tell her off. He said, 'AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!' You tell her, Ken boy. But I don't think she quite got that middle part though. She crotches him and well, he loses the match. At least he got to release some stress though.

Big Wight walks down the ramp and strangely enough, we ended up looking at his package. It wasn't a voluntary act and not entirely pleasant either but ... we notice that he's got a dent.  It's a dimple on his pimple. Just kidding. It's not pimple sized at all. Still, it's smiling though. raw213.jpg (14898 bytes)
raw214.jpg (22077 bytes) Wight vs. UT. When UT reaches the steel steps, the camera is behind him ... and there are three laser pointers right on his butt. I guess people were trying to find the wet spot. Either way, come on guys, this is supposed to be serious! You should have been hitting those pointers on his FRONT side, not the ass end.

In this match, UT exerted himself quite a bit. Well, at least his hair was. It decided to stick itself to the bridge of his nose clinging on for dear life.

Eventually, the camera is filming the UT's back again  when all of a sudden, like a scene from Alien, Wight's head totally grew out of UT's chest!  Alright alright, it was a bear hug move and due to the camera angle, it looked like Wight grew out of UT somehow. At least this is the way we see it and you know, what we see if more important than what is really happening. It amuses us. This also shows how much television we watch.   (Of course, UT could just have been having one of those 'I had a gigantic guy bursting out of my chest' days ... B.C.)

raw215.jpg (14027 bytes) raw216.jpg (14823 bytes)
UT eventually gets the baseball bat.. (It's a balsa wood bat... B.C.) and hits it over Wight's head which of course knocks him out good. UT also ends up with some blood on his jawline. He must have re-opened that really fatal shaving nick accident from years ago. It acts up quite a bit, especially during humidity and wrestling matches.

JR called it a 'vile blow to the head'. OH MY! What would constitute it as a vile blow?? I guess it would depend on who was giving the blow. Look, even Bearer was so repulsed by this statement.

raw217.jpg (16783 bytes)

Debra vs Sable in an evening gown match. Sable's too busy so she's a no-show and sends in her 'body double', Nicole Bass. Yeah.. it's pretty much double Sable's body mass. (DOUBLE?? ... B.C.) Bass walks in wearing an evening gown and attempted to roll into the ring but it looked like she couldn't make it in and was about to roll back out. I would have paid money to see her try to roll in the ring, then roll back out, all evening. Good grief, she needs to go to classes for .. class.

Debra forfeits the match by just stripping so Bass grabs her. Jarrett runs in, clocks Bass over the head with the paper guitar then Venis runs in to save and... where is this storyline going? Bostin wishes to see Bass actually get a hold of Venis. Then he would become so infatuated with her and won't leave her alone. Hey, WWF is basically one big fantasy, isn't it?

Anyways, Venis takes Debra away but there goes Debra's boyfriend (Jarrett) and Venis' boyfriend (Bass, of course) running after them.

Rock vs. Austin in a lumberjack match. The lumberjacks are the Corporate Ministry. First of all, there weren't enough lumberjacks (though Viscera technically counts as 4 people, they still should have carried in a few cardboard cut-outs with them). Second of all, why didn't they come out with plaid shirts and suspenders?? Of course this match was just a way for Austin and Rock to get beat up but Vinnie brings the Union in (along with other stray members).

Meanwhile, someone in the audience was trying to hit Rock with his big styrofoam finger. Hey, I think someone is capable of poking an eye out with those things.

The ending results in both Rock and Austin being thrown off the ramp, and Austin is able to take a little nappie while Rock actually broke his arm. Now he's gonna have to have plastic surgery on that too. Ah.. the casualties of wrestling.

I wonder if any of them got some massive splinter or something. That would be excruciating.

This is Chokee Slam.. and I had in the past suffered from a devastating tuna can lid cut.

*thanks to Hellfire for the inspiration

See if we care...
Email Chokee Slam** or Bostin Crab**
**Please note that any email (hate mail or otherwise) will become the property of
Mad Phat Wrestling, and may be reprinted on this site at any time in the future.