One of the best Raw's
in a long time. But still, no good signs?? Either that or we've become pretty desensitized
to it and we're waiting for something excruciatingly witty, profound yet puerile.
The lights already go out (show's over??) and Kane enters. JR
states that Kane wants to get his hands on Mr. Ass. Now that's disgusting and least we not
forget that Kane is still a virgin?? I don't think he would want something as tainted as
Mr. Ass' ass. We're talking kling-ons, skidmarks, and basic biological warfare.
Kane walks towards the ring and STILL I'm not used to his shiny
new mask. Looks like he saddle soaped it and used mink oil even.
Kane vs. Billy Butt. As the Butt walks towards the ring, some
girl runs over to hug him. Obviously the only chick who would do that is one that the WWF
pays. But this enables Kane to get in a good first hit.
You know, considering how unattractive Butt is, Kane should have
taken a look at him, took his own mask off and put it on BUTT. It'd be considered a
present to Butt.. and to the eyes of the world.
One point in the match, Butt was heading straight to Kane's big
boot but even before connecting, Butt feigned getting hit. I guess Kaney forgot to insert
his Dr. Scholl's Odor Eaters. Ate right through the boot and knocked Butt out BEFORE his
face even reached Kane's foot. New wrestling move, I would think.
Eventually, Kane's feet got strangely caught in the ropes,
leaving him dangling outside the ring. X-Pac and Dogg runs in to save. Dogg, in his white
socks, was the funniest sight. Also this is probably the first time we had seen him with
shorts and it is revealed that yes indeed, his legs are about as white as his socks were.
Plus, take a look at them bony legs.
No matter what Dogg does, he still finds the time
to do his little dancing. The shorts and socks, however, added a comedic emphasis to this
segment. This was the one time I didn't mind seeing his jig. However, in mid-dance, Butt
ran away and Dogg was left with the inquiring expression, 'where... whut.... whoooooo?'
As X is helping Kane, D'lo suddenly runs in to
attack him while Mark Henry gets a few stomps into Kane. Say, is that a sock garter D'Lo
is wearing?? Goes well with his tan sandles. (It's a tattoo.... B.C.) The sandles
or the sock garter?? (The sock garter, I think it won an award in a tattoo
Eventually Kane gets loose and goes after D'lo. Actually, I think
Kane just had to ask D'Lo, 'Say, aren't we going to car pool later?? You promised..'
|Corporate Ministry is walking backstage. HHH's is sporting
a tee-shirt with the number 9 on it. Hey lookee, he's advertising his IQ. Yes yes, we know
it's a Chyna shirt. Meanwhile, Bradshaw is wearing clothes! He's got a sock-hat on but at
first sight, I would have just told him, 'Son, you got a panty on your head..' (It's
one of those nipple hats.... B.C.)
The Union enters the ring with 3 police officers with riot
helmets on. Big Show does his basic chokeslam gesture upon entering the ring, which seems
more to me to be a scream for some beer. Well, with the size of his hands, he'd be
screaming more for a beer BALL. Vince is with the Union now. He addresses Shane and of
course, the Corp Ministry comes out. Now that they've joined forces, their title takes
longer to type. Can I shorten it? Corpistry, okay? Ministrate?
As Shane babbles about how he doesn't need his family, HBK
appears on the Titantron. Hey Shawn, how ya been?? (Hi Shawn!!! We missed you!
All is well, I hope!! ...B.C.) Haven't seen you in a while!! Shawn
begins to change the card for the night which leaves Undertaker looking to Shane like,
'whut he talkin' about?' Everytime UT turned to look at Shane, he had to rotate his whole
body since if he just turned his head, all he would see is the inside of his hood.
So as soon as Shane mentioned HBK being 'elsewhere', I knew that
one of the three hooded cops was Shawn. The other two were Patterson and Brisco.
|HBK did his little strip dance thing of course... and
looked like he was almost going to jack himself up resulting in twisting himself into a
pretzel of some sort. I guess your marriage to the Nitro girl didn't do anything for your
dancing, huh?? I guess marriage also left you with less time to shave your back hair.
Seriously, his chest and body hair seems nicely... combed towards
the middle. Y'all think he uses conditioner? Curlers? Anyways, it's good to have Shawn
back mucking it up on the mic.
Wight enters. We notice that he has small nipples. Of course they
look small on television but if they were placed right up in front of my face, they'd be
the size of dinner plates. He goes against Bearer in one of Shawn's set matches.
Of course Bearer is no match for the Big One and is basically
laid out on the mat like a beached whale. But Wight asks Shawn to 'let the lanky dead dude
..... get a cat.' HUH??? I swear that's what I heard. Okay.. he's calling the dead guy out
but.. ah forget it.
HBK says, 'Okay, dead man, come on down.' (What is this,
wrestling, or The Price is Right?? ...B.C.) Just the dead man now, nobody said about
the OTHER Ministry members, okay? It was a short while before UT entered. I'm sure he
wanted his music to cue up first.
Wight does this hand motion towards UT that said, 'break you in
half.' Other alternative meanings could have been, 'Nice figure Dead Man' or 'Giant ball?'
or 'Give me a globe' or 'Meatball'. Eventually all of Ministry attack and Union runs in to
Debra vs. Sable in an evening gown match. Bostin mentions that
Sable's hey-nanny-nanny (thanks Howard) was really airbrushed in her Playboy photos. I
wonder if she's trying to hide something perhaps?? Does she have something odd down there?
You know, like in those horror movies, a third EYE perhaps?? (Teeth??
Venis comes in to show everyone the pimple in the middle of his
forehead. Thanks Val, it was very big and full of puss I'm sure. Venis distracts Debra and
Sable took about 5 minutes to rip Debra's dress off. Can we say gimp? Sable is about as
tough as my grandmother. Actually my grandma was pretty tough when needed be. This was
evident in family get togethers. She could bob and weave with the best of them (or just
with the fueding relatives). Should have seen her quick footwork action.
Eventually Venis gets hit over the head with the paper guitar by
Jarrett. Shawn awards the belt to Debra since she showed her holstered puppies. Shawn
said, 'with puppies like those..' You meant to say, 'with saline puppies like those...
there are back problems, leakage, scanner-like veins...'
||Backstage, UT is with HHH and Shane. We've acknowledged UT's
samurai hairdo previously, but now HHH has his hair in a bun. He should probably put some
chopsticks through them and he and UT would make the perfect Asian couple. All they
would need are kimonos.
Testes vs. Big Boss Man in a 'nightstick on a pole' match. That's
worse than the guitar on a pole match but hey.. whatever floats their boat. What about
something really difficult like an amoeba on a pole match?
|BossMan enters on the top of the ramp (sorry that sounded
perverse), looked to the audience and then rolled his eyes over to fixate on ... Testes.
'Heeeeey, yer cute...' he may have thought.
||During this match, Testes was about to grab the nightstick but
Boss Man PULLED his little boy leg briefs down. I think everyone in the world
screamed in unison at this point. OH the humanity. JR summed it up the best, 'Uh-oh.' Only
the backside was revealed though and we imagine that his HUGE package was keeping the
front side up. Now, for the front side to be seen, Boss would have to 'unhook' the pants
from his rack.
This was pretty vile. BossMan got such a clear view, I think he
could see Testes' liver. 'HELLO THERE!!!' it would echo. Hell, Bossie probably thought,
'HEY, you had oatmeal last night didn't you?'
Even worse, imagine if socks, grapefruits and a carrot came
falling and rolling out of Testes' briefs after they were pulled down. Then we would ALL
know the truth.
Eventually Bossie tries for the nightstick and Testes looks about
ready to return the favor which led to one of the best Lawler comments of the night,
'Please don't pull his pants down.' This was a stellar evening for everyone, I believe.
Eventually Testes ended up outside the ring, on the ground,
curled up in a fetal position, and shielding his breasts. Hey, having Boss Man pull his
tights down can be an extremely traumatic experience. I'm surprised Testes wasn't also
sucking his thumb and clicking his heels together to be taken to a safer place. I mean
hey, he was so violated.
|Testes eventually gets the stick. He shows it to the audience,
'AH-HAH! A STICK!' They already saw your stick, Nut Boy. Bossie has his own stick however
and hits Testes with it. He goes for the cover, but it looked more like a very unfortunate
and devastating sit-on-his-face pin. I'm sure Testes was gasping for air, or choked
out, 'can't... breathe... I smell....your.. lunchables...'
||Venis backstage with Cole and we get an even closer look at his
pimple. I saw it pulsate. I think it was about to hatch even.
Mideon and Viscera vs. Cactus Jack. We're elated to see Cactus Jack of
course and it's especially nice to see Mick Foley's handsome face. (Aww.. he's
so cute! ...B.C.)
Mideon and Viscera walk towards the ring, armed with hardcore
items. Mideon attempts to throw the garbage can and serving tray (serving tray? They going
to have a hardcore tea party?) into the ring but due to Mideon's shortcomings, he couldn't
get ANY of the items into the ring. Instead, the garbage can hit an audience member and
the serving tray lopped off Lawler's head.
Alright, just kidding.
During this match, it seemed that Mick took a bad chair shot from
Mideon, on the cheek. Hey Mideon, go back to wrestling school, huh? But thankfully, Mick
wins the match by covering Viscera.
|Steve Blackman promo. Black and white, fade in/ fade outs of his
nunchucks, breaking blocks... and eventually a shot of Blackman looking like he's about to
scream, 'DON'T TURN ON THAT LIGHT!!!!' He looks mighty frightened. Seems they've changed
his music as well. It sounds like the beginning of Bow Wow Wow's I Want Candy. Or any
select Adam Ant tunes.
Bradshaw enters. Bostin insists that Brad is starting to develop
a 6 -pack. Oh yeah sure.. on his sides. There's like 6 packs of flab. Heh. Okay,
admittedly, I do see two somewhat defined packs. This only means that he may have done A
stomach crunch the night before.
Bradshaw vs. Farooq with the Union as Lumberjacks.
Farooq takes the mic and may we suggest, 'Mr. Simmons, put the
mic down, you're hurting our ears.' He doesn't work very well with it. He said, 'you know,
if there was a match, you know who the willa will be..'
Back to concentrating on Brad and the fact that he needs a Wonder
Bra. You need to get control of those things at a younger age, Breasty, otherwise your
knees will be knocking them around in the next 5 years.
||Bradshaw takes the mic and still we echo those words, 'put the
mic down..' These two really shouldn't speak. Bradshaw said, 'Yew don't think.. HEY!' He
interrupted himself even. While he spoke, Mr. Simmons looked disgusted with him, perhaps,
'There's a HUGE booger flying in and out of your nose, boy! It's looks like a mint
chocolate chip cookie even!'
Then the wrestling starts but the MiniCorp runs out to stop them
two. Somehow the Union gets Viscera alone in the ring (considering he's the one who can't
run past -1 mph and everyone else bolted out of the ring), the Union attack him. Asides
from being in such close proximity to Viscera, it's also unfortunate that the Union ends
up getting the recycled 'We Are the Nation' entrance music. (Say, I loved that
Nation music! It reminded me of that Polynesian episode of Bugs Bunny!!!
The Posse walks in. Pete Frog looked at an audience member and I
was waiting for him to dart his tongue out and swallow a sign or something. They go
against Patterson and Crisco who come out to Hogan's old music. Pretty hilarious
turn-around for the former heels.
Crisco and Patterson actually win this match. Patterson put
Crunchy Hair in a Boston Crab and Crisco gave the Frog a Figure Four Leg Lock. Actually I
think he should have just laid Pete Frog on a lab table and dissected him.
After careful scrutiny of the Figure Four Leg Lock, we have
discovered why it's such a potentially dangerous maneuver. The Figure Fourer actually has
the tip of his foot into the butt of the Figure Fouree. So to be in this position with the
likes of anyone from the Big Feet Brigade (like Big Show, Sable or Droz), this could prove
to be an unpleasant experience. Actually considering the Rock's pedi-anal fixation, I'm
surprised he hasn't used this move. Imagine the devastation of a Figure Eight Leg Lock.
|Now that Crisco and Patterson are 'good guys', the audience
cheers them on. To that, all I have to say is, 'SHEEP.' Patterson takes his shirt off to
show everyone his B cup breasts and gives that 'DON'T TURN ON THAT LIGHT!'
That has certainly turned into a Mad Phat ism.
The stipulation of this match is whoever loses, they leave the
Excuse me for one brief moment.
WHAAAAAA HOOOOOOO!! YIPPIE KIE-AAYE!!! HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE
AGAIN.... HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY....
Okay. Thanks for being patient.
Cole is interviewing Kenny backstage who looks about as excited
as cows do when they're grazing. Hey Kenny, wakee wakee!! Kenny talks about his upcoming
match with Chyna and the fact that he would never hit a woman. But you hit Billy Butt
before, didn't you?
Jarrett with Debra vs Venis. What was most amusing about this
match was JR's commentary. He and Lawler were engaged in some deeper conversation but JR,
being the pro announcer that he is, was still able to comment on what was happening in the
ring. It went something like this, 'So Lawler, don't you wonder what... sleeperhold... is
really on Debra's mind... armbar... when she is trying to entice Venis... rake of the
eyes... and then there was this dog... finger pull... and there was a window... butt
launch...' Of course I don't think that was what they were talking about but that is in
the right context.
And remember, sarcasm should be used in the right context.
Debra interferes enabling Jarrett the win.
Chyna with HHH (both sporting matching panties) vs. Kenny. Poor
Kenny has an inner life and death struggle with this woman hitting debate but Chyna
perpetually eggs him on by smacking him. Each time Chyna hits him, Kenny turns to HHH, to
say, 'LISTEN, YOU GET A LEASH ON YOUR WOMAN!! EVERYTIME SHE HITS ME, I'M GOING TO HIT
YOU!' Well, Chyna continued until poor Kenny snapped. He hits HHH and then does a belly to
titty slam on Chyna. She looked like she really really hurt her bra.
Then Kenny left and had never been seen or heard from again.
Shawn Michaels enters the top of the ramp, dancing of course, and
wearing those bike shorts that ALWAYS ride up even if you twitch. Apparantly, it looked
like it was trying to creep up to his neck since the camera cut-away and showed him
looking a bit .. mischievous. Yo Shawn, you wanna keep that in your pants? There are
children present. Well, actually for our friend Ashley, you may show her a little. One
thing is for sure, Shawn was pointing the way to the ring.
|Shawn gets into the ring, stands on the corner turnbuckles and
the camera man probably wasn't expecting an eclipse at that moment but just realized that
it was Shawn's nooks and crannies. Oh my.
welcome Ashley! ...B.C.)
||Undertaker's footage plays on the Titantron. Take a look at his
shit eatin' grin. He must have swallowed somebody's soul. Eh, all in a day's work.
Anyways, this is supposed to be HHH, Undertaker, and Shane vs
Austin, Rock and Vinnie. This just becomes a mess with everyone doing their own thing.
Shane attacks Vinnie, Rock goes after HHH, Undertaker tombstones Vinnie, Austin attacks
Shane, HBK fights to keep his bike shorts where they're supposed to be, there were a pack
of wolves, locusts swooped in, crazy encyclopedia salespeople, hang nails... oh, it was
|Austin eventually pins Shane for the win, then gets up, walks
backwards, FALLS backwards, rolls, gets back on his knees, and holds up his two middle
fingers. 'I'M ALRIGHT!!' I guess he was doing his Goldberg impression. We know that Stevie
has a tendency to just throw himself backwards and out of the ring sometimes, but (to
bring up one of wrestling's most embarassing moments) when Goldberg ACTUALLY fell
backwards, it was because he lost his grip on the rope.
Everything went in slow motion from there from his wide-eyed
facial expression of, 'uh-oh, this ain't good' to him falling back, rolling back, getting
back up and screaming.
Classic. Mad Phat shall NEVER forget that.
Gee, we love wrestling. It's so much fun.