|Ft. Lauderdale, FL
X-Pac and Dogg
enters. They are the last members of DX so they pretty much just make up the 'X' part of
DX. However, the peripheral of Kane's ample butt forms the shape of a D. So I guess
they're still DX. Kane enters the ring thereafter.
While Kane's deafeningly loud fireworks is blasting throughout
the arena, X-Pac is trying to speak to Dogg but obviously couldn't do more than use hand
gestures and sign language. It looked like he was screaming, 'Do YOU understand the words
that are coming out of my mouth??!!' (thanks Chris Tucker and your classic deliverance in
Lawler states that X-Pac has been 'showing Kane the ways of the
world'. Do you mean asides from taking Kane to bars to try to pick up chicks, he took him
to ... coffee bars, miniature golf courts, amusement parks, and/or go-carting tracks to
pick up chicks??
It's those three vs. Billy Butt, D'lo and Mark Henry. Butt's
bright yellow briefs are in complete contrast to Mark and D'lo simple black outfits. This
could have caused Butt to blind his partners or forced them to beat the hell out of him.
Is it entirely necessary for wrestlers to wear the most horrid colored outfits?? Shawn
Michaels was the king of tackiness and tassles but at least he's wisened up. He still
can't dance though. (Hi Shawn!!) (Hey, Shawn, congrats on your wedding!! How you
doing???? ... B.C.)
Anyways, when Butt was walking down the ramp, the camera caught
Dogg's facial expression. Some may think that Dogg looked like he was feeling the pain of
having loved and lost Butt, BUT to Mad Phat, he looked more like, 'DAMN BUTT, you're ugly!
I never wanted to tell you before because well, we was friends. I didn't want to hurt your
feelings. You know I may have skinny, pasty white legs and octopus hair but at least I'm
not you. You can't even walk into the ring the right way...' Yes, Road Dogg said
ALL that in that 1 second shot.
Match commences and at one point, D'lo does his leg drop onto
Dogg. JR comments, 'D'lo is talking some trash to Dogg.' Wow, I really didn't hear any of
that but if he did, it may have went like this, 'Lint... grime... dirt... soda cans...
potato chip bags...' Keep in mind that this type of language could be objectionable to
younger audiences. What's even worse is talking 'dirty' to someone... 'soot.. dust
bunnies... toe jam...crusty underwear..' That falls into the NC-17 rating there.
|Eventually this match becomes a mess. Kane and Henry eventually
take their fight into the audience where we get to see the manic fan of the week. It's
some dude holding a DRUNK sign with an arrow pointing to himself. Basically he's hopping
up and down, screaming to the whole world, 'I'M DRUNK!! I'M DRUNK!! HEY LOOKEE ME!! I'M
DRUNK!!!' You set your goals high, dude.
||Cue in the Mini Corp. As Shane speaks, we notice that Mr.
Simmons is looking towards the Titantron, taking a look at his beefy self. He's like,
'Well look at me. I gotta do that boobie flex thing, it always turns me on. Let me wink at
myself too.' Meanwhile Shane is losing his grasp of hiding his dorkishness again.
|Now, we figure with all the money that the Mini Corp has to
offer, they couldn't train their pet poodle, Mideon, to stand on two legs? I say, try
obedience school. He'll need an entire make-over as well. Get him over to Jenny Jones.
She'll put him in a business dress suit and classic pumps, complete with a conservative
hair-do by Vidal Sassoon. Waxing may not be included.
Meanwhile it looks like Viscera's wearing a barrel under his
trenchcoat. But alas (for him), that is just his body.
In the backstage dressing room, Vinnie is with his two heroes,
Patterson and Crisco. They're trying to keep the Mini-Corp from barging in. Patterson
screams, 'Look in the closet, maybe there's something we can use!' What, a hanger?? Try to
flash them an awfully bright colored TACKY outfit. That might send the Ministry reeling
back. You know what bright light can do to vampires or any species of the monster genus.
Vinnie takes the advice however. Hell, what's he afraid of? He
had a hand in writing the the script and hell, if you can't trust yourself, who can you
trust? Alas (for Vinnie), he forgot that he agreed to having the Undertaker come out of
the closet in this scene. Mm, come out if the closet, aye? Oh my.. I didn't even make that
connection before. Actually it was UT, HHH AND Chyna (wearing sunglasses in closets) who
came out of the closet. I'd say this is exclusive news. Just remember everyone, if you
come out of the closet, you flounce out singing Barbara Streisand tunes.
UT barged out of there as if he'd been waiting in there for days,
which would make an Undertaker pretty irate. Having to be ANYWHERE let alone a dark closet
with HHH and Chyna can cause anyone to barrel out of whatever confines they were in. I'm
just surprised UT didn't run roaring out of there with terror.
UT grabbed Vinnie.. then the lights went out and scuffling is
heard. Considering it was so dark, there's a big chance that UT was beating up on Chyna.
OR since Chyna had sunglasses on, she was probably beating up on herself.
Anyways, cut to next scene with Vinnie being wheeled to the
Debra with Jarrett atop the ramp. JR calls Debra a 'young woman'.
Aw come on, she's not young. (She was young maybe 20 years ago....B.C.) Make that
50 years ago. Whoops. Sorry. Actually rumor has it that she's dating Stevie. Geez Stevie,
didn't you learn with the first one?? He seems to like the bleached blond, big boobed,
leathery skinned types. Try something new, Stevie. It's alright to one day like Mexican
Food, next day it's Japanese Food, next day it's good ole cheese and grits. You never know
until you try. Now, sour cream, onions, liverwurst and bratwurst is something you may want
||Oh, Jarrett teams with Blue Blazer to go against Mr. Rogaine,
Val Venis and Godfather. Venis didn't even have to fall into a bad light for the
WORLD to see how much he's balding. Hey Mr. HairClubforMenski, you may want to be a
Venis took his towel off and almost spun himself out of control.
With those bony ankles, it's like spinning a top that would eventually tip over. (Or
he'd screw himself into the mat... B.C.) As for the Godfather, one of his hoes' boobs
were hanging pretty low and jiggling out of control. You wanna get some support for those
water balloons, girl?? Damn, they were like jello. Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle.. cool
and fruity.. Well, I wouldn't know about the cool and fruity part.
|One of the hoes stumbled on those platform shoes when she got
into the ring. Can we say, SPAZ? It's Aerosoles for you next time. Remember, only drag
queens know how to walk on those stiletto platform barbie slippers. Afterwards, she
collects herself and tries to dance along with Godfather. Good grief. First of all, girl,
you're white. End of story.
Just kidding. Though the majority of white people that I see
dance just manage to do the bunny hop, the pogo leap or just the epileptic seizure, I have
indeed seen some white people really get down. Asians are worse. Call the rhythm police
please. Of course it's wrong to stereotype and I know there are always those who defy the
During this match (hey, whatta ya know, there's a match), Nicole
Bass walks in to argue with Debra. Bass most likely revved up all the profundity her body
could muster and said to Debra, 'BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Mm, you might want to repeat that, I
don't know if Debra got that middle part.
This causes a distraction so Owen Blazer loses the match and Deb
and Jarrett leave him in the ring. Meanwhile, Venis took a very daring move and jumped off
the mat onto the ground. You know this could have broken your boney ankles, made the rest
of your hair fall out and gave you a new definition of ugly, you know.
Just kidding. Venis seems to be a nice guy.
|Meat with PMS. Hell, he's more like beef jerky. He is to wrestle
Testes. Testes walks down the ramp and winks at some audience member. Way to be Testes,
I'm sure he was a looker. Then again, maybe Testes' contacts just got fuzzy which is
something that happens to me on occasion so I sympathize.
||As a matter of fact, here's my artist rendition (hey, haven't
done one of those in a while) as to what happens when my contact lense starts irritating
|Then Testes decides to snort which is something that men seem to
think of as .. macho. I don't know. Phlegm never really equals macho. To prove my point,
take a looksie at the picture. Be careful Testes, it's rabbit season.
JR and Lawler are commenting about Meat's big feet. Mm.. this has
always been an ongoing Mad Phat joke. From Sable's hooves to Droz' kayaks, we've always
made fun of huge feet. To add to this coinky dink, Lawler said, 'you know what that
means.' JR replies, 'big socks??' Though this joke is pretty much credited to the likes of
Pee Wee Herman, Mad Phat has used similar jokes in the right context of course. Still,
we'll check it off as 'a big coincidence'. Considering JR and Lawler are great minds that
work together, they are free to use any Mad Phat jokes because we're confident that it
will be used correctly.
||Before the match commences, Meat and Testes are sort of checking
each other out. Meat then holds his hands up seemingly telling Testes that he just did his
nails and they didn't dry yet so if it's alright, could he have five more minutes. Testes
is uninterested because I'm sure he uses those quick drying nail polishes.
Let's just go on record of saying that Meat has a pretty odd
shaped head. Perhaps it's his haircut. The hairline is apparantly receding and it looks
like he's trying to comb it forward. What's worse is the peripheral view. His skull
resembles that of the monster baby from 'It's Alive'. Or Tweety. He's got Tweety Head
syndrome. I might also be exaggerating. I guess I should change those contact lenses.
|One point, Testes was about to DDT Meat and we caught Meat RUB
Testes' ass. Well, some people do have this thing about rubbing velvet but it seemed more
like he just wanted the rub because Meat eventually got himself a woody. It was a meaty.
JR took this opportunity and commented, 'He's rising to the occassion!' JR is always on
the ball. You rule, dude!
||Meat looms over Testes, who wonders why no one told him there
was to be an eclipse inside the arena. Just kidding, it was just the Meaty. God, that's
traumatic. Poor Testes may have thought, 'Watch that thing, I don't want it in the back of
my head!' This match was very trying for Testes. He also messed his hair preeeeeetty hard.
Jacqueline then interferes by dropkicking Testes which caused her
hair extensions to 'Cousin It' all over her face. Embarassingly, they all
proceed to beat up on Testes. Here we have a tall muscular blond dude getting beat up by a
bunch of girls (Meat included). Tori walks in.... slowly.. and helps out Testes. He took a
look at her and said an immediate, 'NO.' Yeah, whatever facial surgery she got, it's not
too flattering. I swear when she first made WWF appearances, she didn't look so pinched
Austin enters the ring to yabber. He said, 'I will say this...'
At that point, we figured he should have just said, 'THIS' and be done with the segment
but he continued to talk about asses. Rat's ass, rolling asses... formaldehyde asses,
snapping asses, teal asses....
|Eventually MiniCorp comes out and charges towards Austin.
Stealthy Kenny sneaks up behind Shane and gives him a choke hold. Shane
played up to this very well by rolling his eyes back, contorting his mouth and looking a
lot like Latka Gravas. The only thing going through my mind was, 'Simka... Simka.. koos
Boss Man saves him by hitting Kenny with his stick. Eventually
the Union runs in.
Undertaker vs. Rock. UT comes in limping. He must have a pretty
unfriendly hang nail.. or a blister on the sole of his foot. Of course there's the obvious
which is his bum ankle. But let's be creative, huh?
Rock, by the way, has unfriendly nipples. (Rock's
Frankentitties are getting worse. Pretty soon his whole torso is gonna be one big puckered
scar.... Rhiannon). Either that or his nipples will cave in and suck in the rest of
his body until he's nothing but a sweaty spot.
Rock rips off his elbow pad prior to doing his elbow move on UT.
It would have been more amusing if he ripped off his cast, threw it into the audience,
clocked someone good and then you'd hear screams of terror and carnage. Wrestling can be
||Eventually, HHH and Chyna come out. We notice that UT has a
streak of something on his back. Could it be a deodorant streak or.. a jiz streak?
Well, eventually HHH takes a sledgehammer and 'hits' the Rock's cast with it (due to
camera angle and correct method of hitting, this looked convincing). The Rock screams,
'OOOOOOW, my not-broken arm!!!!' They throw Rock into the casket and lock it.
They tip the casket over and HHH proceeds to sledgehammer it.
Imagine if Rock couldn't figure out how to work the trap door. No one would ever hear Rock
screaming in the casket, 'NOOO WAIT!! I'M STILL IN HERE!! I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE
LEEEVER!!! PUT THE CASKET BACK ON THE .... *gurgle...argh....bleeeeeehhhhhh*'
Backstage, Slaughter and some other dudes open up the casket to
look at the carnage. They all look aghast and Slaughter even held his nose. I guess Rock
cut a few muffins while he was in the casket. Otherwise, prior to death, people do
Is this report getting morbid?
Dok Hendrix is with The New Freebirds, who were the artists
formerly known as The Hard Boys (yes, I know, The Hardy Boys). Now we can call them the
Hard Birds. No more wallpaper clothing for the Hard Boys, now it's .. cargo-like jeans.
Anyways, it's actually good to see them on Raw. The Hard Boys weren't horrible wrestlers
at all, they just had blinding outfits that burned the retinas. Ah, I fondly remember my
last memory of the Hard Boys. During a match, the dark haired one took a bad fall and
seemingly broke his butt.
|I guess they've come a long way.
go against the Brood. During the match, Gangrel was about to bloat up for mating season.
All I have to say is, Luna.. I'm so sorry.
If Gangrel had Kane's gimmick, he'd be called 'The Big Red Face.'
Uh.. who won this match? Oh, I think it just got out of control.
The Rock is being wheeled to the ambulance after he had Kool-Aid
poured over him. You know, good thing he wasn't in that casket cause he would have really
been a mess. The emergency unit is trying to help him but correct me if I'm wrong, aren't
you guys supposed to do stuff like cut his clothes, specifically his panties off?? What
kind of medics are you?? (Heh heh heh... B.C.)
JR comments, 'We're told that Rock is completely disoriented..'
The Rock should have looked to the camera at this point and said, 'I'm completely
Then JR said, 'He's completely out of it and rightfully so.' Rock
should have lifted his head up and said, 'I'm completely out of it and rightfully so..'
This is why WWF doesn't have us writing for them.
Al Snow enters to his 'What does everybody want' entrance theme.
According to Van Halen, everybody wants 'some'. Al is giving an eulogy to his poor deer
head, Pierre. Holly comes in with Pierre's antlers and spits on them. Al screamed, 'OH!!'
That was perfect.
Cole is waiting outside Austin's dressing room, appropiately
marked, 'STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN'. I think it should have been more discreet. It should
have said, 'THE STAR STEVE AUSTIN'S DRESSING ROOM HERE! YOU HAVE ARRIVED!! PLEASE PAY
TOLL!' (Easy Pass Entrance To The Left ...B.C.) There should have also been
neon, flashing lights with huge arrows pointing to it. Seriously, I bet it was the broom
closet. Meanwhile the MiniCorp and Union are fighting each other and the lights go out
again. Then we hear someone make a very loud gulping sound. I
don't know, but Testes may have accidentally rammed his addendum down someone's mouth.
The Big Toe enters the ring wearing his cut-off jeans. Actually
they're probably 2 jeans sewn together as one. (2 -2 -2 Jeans in 1! ....B.C.) I
must say that it's not a great look for Wight. Then again, he doesn't have many choices,
does he. I think his choices are minimized to sails and moo-moos. It's got to be pretty
tough shopping for him.
||Union vs. Acolytes, Boss Man and Mideon. Ah geez, it's the
useless portion of the Ministry. It's the Gimpistry. I guess Wight knew this would be a
non-match since he looked about ready to sleep. Better let the Giant sleep, then he'll
wake up pinned to the mat by a hoard of little people or something.
JR says that Wight 'looks like he's got catcher's mitts on the
end of those arms..' Lawler counters, 'and Hormel on the end of those fists..' Mm, sausage
reference, huh??? Another Mad Phat favorite.
Big Toe ends up pinning Boss Man while the rest of the Union and
Ministry had disappeared from the ring. I guess they were all in the back by the water
cooler, yukking it up and talking about going to the nearest Denny's. You know guys,
Friendly's is MUCH better than Denny's. The home fries are to die for (this last line is
said in a Jewish accent, by the way).
Cleavage segment. This character just doesn't suit Mosh too well.
|Photo still of an action shot where the Acolytes, Mideon and
Viscera are running away to their car for the get-away. They drive off and then we see the
Union do the same. After they all loaded in the car, I certainly hope that the driver
said, 'Now EVERYONE buckle up. We're not moving until we're all latched in safely. And I
hope everyone tinkled....' This of course could allow the Ministry members to get the
better seats at Denny's.
||HHH vs. Austin. Austin does this very interesting spaz move. He
bounces himself against the ropes, flail his arms and then drops his elbow onto his
opponent. It always brings a chuckle to Bostin and to me, he looks like he's
imitating Frankenstein's reaction to fire.
Chyna interferes in this match by putting a headlock on Austin by
the ropes. Judging by how close they were plus the fact that Austin's face MUST have been
wedged in Chyna's boobs, me thinks SHE'S his new girlfriend now.
|Austin was able to pull HHH's tights down during the match. Now
keep in mind, those are not HHH's white BVD's or Fruit of the Looms, that's his bare white
ass. Who needs brights on their cars when they can just strap HHH's butt to the front
||Meanwhile Shane looks on like, 'OOOOH, Look at all the
|Eventually, UT's symbol is lowered to the ring and HHH looks up
to it with his mouth open. I was expecting a choir like 'AAAAAAAAAH' to come out of his
mouth. UT starts walking, or rather limping, towards the ring. He could have said, 'I'll
be right there..... just give me a few minutes... this bunion.... very unfriendly..'
But Austin's fist meets UT when he FINALLY makes it in the
ring.... and Austin manages to cuff UT to the symbol and it begins to elevate. Some idiot
from the audience threw a cup of liquid into the ring at this point. Again, we stress the
idiocy of this act. I mean, HELLO, they're putting on a show for you! Throwing things at
them is an act of disrespect.
Anyways, as the UT symbol was being lifted up, I'm surprised
someone didn't throw a bottle of soda in, hitting the symbol and making it spin out of
control. Instead, the show closes with UT laughing in synch to his pre-recorded laughing.
It would have been better if UT kept his mouth closed while it was playing. To liven
things up, next time they should have him lip synch to a Zombie tune.
This is Chokee....