By Chokee Slam

Moline, Illinois

By the way, this episode was partially brought to you by The Trane Company. 'It's hard to stop a trane..' Well, I guess one would have to find out what a TRANE was before they could begin to stop it.

We get a recap of the Undertaker/ Austin match from Over the Edge. It seemed to be a pretty 'heated' match where we saw Austin with some foreign(?) substance on his facial hair after he had been messing around on the mat a bit with the UT. raw255.jpg (18675 bytes)

I don't know what it is, but it looks white and sploogy. (BOOGERS!.... B.C.) Either that or UT got very excited, released and missed. Judging from what ensued between them during the match, I guess I wouldn't be surprised. And for further evidence, we see from this capture that Austin was still ready for more action.

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Say, should we be watching this? I mean, it's wholesome family entertainment, right?? Should we be seeing Austin looking like one of the Boss Man's inflatable dolls? Whoops. Sorry, BB. I let the cat out of your cargo vest pockets.

Anyways, after UT pinned Austin, Shane gave a quickie count and JR screamed, 'The Rattlesnake HAS been SCREWED!!!' Hit it right on the nose, JR.

Hey, it's been awhile but there's signage! WE WANT PUP PIES. We prefer chocolate cream pies however but make sure you always follow the PIE directions of the pudding box otherwise you'll have chocolate cream soup. raw258.jpg (8246 bytes)
raw259.jpg (23179 bytes) A couple of druids enter carrying the UT symbol, along with the Mini-Corp. Though one of the druids was having a hard time walking and carrying the symbol at the same time (good thing he wasn't chewing gum and speaking also), causing him to take baby steps, we couldn't help but to look at HHH's shiny, plastic and probably polyurethane pants. Honey, are you going to a gay bar after the show? I can see many functions for those pants. Actually I wore them to a party once knowing that I could easily wrap up the party foods in my pants when no one was looking. Asides from sound advice for HHH, I'd also like to offer HHH some Armour-All for his pants.
By the way, everyone is still wondering who the higher power is. As I mentioned in a previous report, I believe they worship a naked picture of Bea Authur. I mean, wouldn't you? ha... hmff... mm..

Alright, Estelle Getty.

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They all pile into the ring. Bostin states that Viscera looks like a reject from Fame. I can see that, what with his flashdancin' foot-loosin' headband. But with the white contacts and 'gothic' look, he's more like The Night of the Living Fame. Everybody sing, 'FAME!! I wanna live forever...' Well, there you go. Living dead is such an oxymoron though and well, Viscera might just well be a moron. Just kidding.

Shane yabbers and eventually UT takes the mic. At this point, everyone in the audience mysteriously falls asleep. Seriously, UT takes a looooooooong time to deliver his lines. It's pretty difficult to NOT experience a case of narcolepsy when he speaks. But we actually paid attention this time. He said, 'AWSTIN, I beat CHOO up..' CHOO?? I thought he was a southern boy. He sounds like he came from the dark armpit crevices of Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.

At one point, Undertaker looked to Shane's face as if his script was written there. BUT, it could possible be on the inside of UT's hood. That makes sense.

UT continues, 'AWSTIN, I will deliver you to him and you will look into his eyes..... and you will see... (pause)..' I would assume Awstin would see the eyes of the guy that he's looking at. Yeah, that makes sense. Or his higher powered eye cookies. Those are the special cookies that will morph and change shapes right before your very eyes.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Vinnie comes out and says to UT that he didn't defeat Stone Cold for the WWF Title. UT looked mega confused by this comment, turned to Shane and all body language screamed, 'Whut's he talkin' bout, I don't know whut he said, whut up, I mean, whut he talkin' about? Whut whut...'

Vinnie said that UT screwed Austin so Vinnie will screw him. You know, there's been quite a bit of screwing going on in the WWF.

I think we need to get in on it.  (OH! ...B.C.)

A match is set between Vince and UT and if Vinnie wins, Stevie will wrestle UT. You know, there's been a lot of wrestling going on in the WWF. Heh, not. Undertaker then looks to the camera, tries to be menacing, and mutters something to the camera. Remember, we're adept to lip reading and I swear this is what he said, 'Fungallow uuuh...' Bostin believes he said, 'this hang nail is killing me.' This is debatable.   (Hey, what can I tell you, I'm better at reading ECW guy's lips... B.C.)

As the Mini-Corp leave the ring, one of the druids turned out to be Austin. Of course his glass shattering music cued up before he took his hood off so most audience members were looking towards the top of the ramp. As a matter of fact, Mideon was staring obliviously at the Titantron as if he was saying, 'Heeeey, something's going on there.. Austin is beating on Undertaker. WAIT a moment, that's happening behind me!' then he woke up.  You can't tell me with all those eyeballs on you, you couldn't see what was going on. raw260.jpg (21659 bytes)
raw261.jpg (18945 bytes) The Union runs in to help and my goodness, ladies, Testes is wearing a new posh black velvet shirt made by the best that sweat shops can offer. Backstage crew eventually come out to separate the two groups. HHH takes this opportunity to lunge and throw himself onto Slaughter in a desperate act of affection and I'm pretty sure he must have screamed, 'I LOOOOOOVE YOU'. Fine, don't believe me. Good thing HHH's big nose didn't get banged up onto Slaughter's chin. There probably still would have been a good mile between them two if that was the case.

Backstage, the Union are following Stevie but of course, Stevie wants NO body's help. He ends up pushing Testes onto his ass. I think the velvet shirt offended Steve. I could be wrong.

Big Show enters and he's hanging. You wanna tie that thing up into a knot or something, Big Shlong? He wrestles against Ass Man. In the ring, they stare each other down. Butt Boy coughs at Big Show, and Big Show retaliates by revealing his crying face... and the match begins. I think they should have continued with their retardo stand-off, which would eventually lead to Butt Boy coughing out his spleen and Big Show's face contorting beyond recognition but instead, they just wrestled.

Eventually, Butt couldn't handle The Shlong and starts walking away only to have Road Dogg sneak up behind him and do his little jig. It would have been best if Butt turned around and they both started dancing and swinging but.. who ever said we knew what was best for these people, huh? Anyways, Butt lost.

Christian vs. Beaver Cleavage who was formerly Mosh of the Headbangers. Christian gets elevated onto the platform but without his fellow Brood members. He's just ONE... singular sensation...  (Every little breath he takes!!! ... B.C.)

But his shoulders were slumped and he looked mighty lonely. I'm sure he misses the company of bubble shaped Gangrel who usually hogged up the whole space on the platform. Perhaps he missed his warm, hot breath on his head when Gangrel hadn't eaten yet and he saw Christian's head as a swedish meatball.

During this match, the picture paused. Need not fear, Bostin just sat on the remote. Her body parts do tend to act as entirely separate entities. Once her face hung the phone up on me.  I have since forgiven her. (Come on, that's the second time you told them all that story!! ... B.C.)  (I have since forgiven you again... C.S.)

The Hard Boys interfere however and Beaver wins. We would much prefer the return of the Headbangers. Though metal is somewhat dead, they were at least just fun.  (And Mosh just looks all wrong without a skirt... B.C.)

Jarrett with Debra vs. Godfather. As Debra was standing by ringside, there were audience members looking at her like, 'Hey, I think I have a chance with her.. I'll use my wit and charm.... wait, a minute. I don't have them things. Okay, I'll lure her with a beer and some belly lint.'


Jarrett actually wins this match and the Intercontinental Title.

Undertaker vs. Vinnie (who better lay off the Chocolate Cream Pies because he's starting to develop some feminine hips). Maybe that explains his 'quarter up my butt' walk. UT hits the ref during the match which disqualifies him and Vinnie wins. The ref's thought after that, 'RUN AWAY!!' and that he did, straight into the audience sections and UT follows him. I know if we were in there, we would have directed UT to the opposite direction. Straight to the women's bathroom you go, UT, for another dosage of Frizz-Ease perhaps.

Michael Cole interviews Austin backstage. Aw, Stevie, just pop him one. It would make all of us very happy.  Just pop him into another federation.

Mankind comes out to work the mic and he does it so well. He challenges HHH to a no DQ, pinfalls anywhere match and states that Chyna has been checking him out. Hey Mick, you're worth checking out. Mankind says that it could be because she accidentally walked into the shower when he bent over getting the soap. Nah, that wasn't Chyna, Mick, it was Billy Butt. He's not called Butt for nothing.. I mean asides from the fact that some people can't tell if his butt is on his face or where it's supposed to be...

Ah, never mind.

Boss Man vs. Road Dogg. As Boss Man is hitting Dogg, I swear I heard barking. Well, he IS named Road Dogg. It wasn't a very ferocious type of barking though. Definitely a little weenerish 'urf urf urf.' Bossy loses the match since he started using his stick. Oh my. Put that thing away, there are children present! The ref takes it away however but with all those cargo vest pockets, Bossy is not without back-up. He takes a chain out but I was really waiting for him to get some rope out, like he did on Over the Edge, and floss Dogg in a very unfriendly manner. But that didn't happen because I am after all, sick. Then again, so is the WWF.

Shane is backstage, fuming about the Undertaker's loss to Vinnie. He's throwing the FOOD around!!!! OH NO!! NOT THE FOOD!! NOT THE FRESH FRUIT!! The ones who are really distraught are Viscera and Pig. They have every right to worry, hell, that food is their finger snack.

raw262.jpg (20879 bytes) X-Pac and Kane vs. Acolytes. The camera gets a good shot of Kane and I think he was asleep.  Don't anybody tip him over. Wrestler tipping is a dangerous past time.

X-Pac starts this match against Mr. Simmons. X-Pac is always so feisty, frisky (who put the Frisky in that wrestler?) and he's always ready.  He had his ass jutting out, legs are anchored, arms in defense mode, ready to kick some serious buttage. He's about ready to dive in for the kill and then.. and then he runs his face into Mr. Simmons fist. OW! I don't know X but I think you need to change strategy.

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Eventually, Kane squares off against Bradshaw. Good thing Kane wears a mask because I'm sure he was snickering at Bradshaw's clunky old lady earrings. Can we say 'GIRL'? (Girl... How was that?? ... B.C.) Also, all he needs is a peg leg and a doo-rag and he'd be a pirate.... a pirate at the same bar that Mr. Plastic Pants HHH would frequent. raw265.jpg (25357 bytes)

Due to Shane's interference the Acolytes are the new tag champs. Aw... champions change as often as wrestlers change their underwear. Huh? It's a tough life being on the road.

A clip of 'GD TV' which is an overview of the men's bathroom where Mark Henry is taking a dump and making a hell of a lot of noise as well. Watch those dirty public bathrooms though. Unless you have those sanitary toilet seat tissues, you're gonna have to hover your ass ship* over the toilet. And with Henry's large derrier, it's definitely Close Encounters of the Hopefully Last Kind. One point while doing his doody, he seemed surprised and said, 'OH!'. Yeah sure, like you didn't know that was coming.

Val Venis with Nicole Bass vs Kenny Shamrock. Debra and Jarrett interfere in this match, giving Venis the win. Poor Kenny snaps and runs after Jarrett and Debra. I think I heard him screaming, 'I'm gonna kick Debra's ass!!' all the way here in New York.

Venis is still in the ring, ready to reprimand Nicole but before he does that, he realizes that his cheek is hanging out so he tugs his panties down. We all know any issues are not as important as holstering your cheek. Just ask Yoshihiro Tajiri. By the way, Venis, they're french cut panties, aren't they? How special. Venis asks Nicole, 'Where the hell were you?? HUUUUUH???!' I'm sure Nicole wanted to answer, 'BOOOOOOOO,' like she normally would but .. she just says, 'sorry, it won't happen again..'

Venis says okay fine, she'll make it up to him. Bass jumps out of the ring and at this point, Venis should have also jumped out and into her arms, to which she would slam him to the ground, grab him by the hair and drag him backstage and said, 'ooga booga.' She seems to be the dominate one in the relationship.

Mankind vs. HHH. JR says that Hunter is more a finesse guy. I think perhaps he's more a Suave type, cheap but pretends to be of higher quality. Whoops. One point, Mankind held HHH in a move that caused his belly to basically sink into his breasts. raw266.jpg (25682 bytes)

Of course this would make HHH mighty irate so he uses the sledgehammer to hit Mick's 'knee' with it. That is if Mick's knee is now on his hip. At least this will allow Mick some time to heal. HHH continues his assault and this cues the Rock (still sporting the fake cast on his arm) in to assist. Good grief, everyone is just riddled with injuries, huh? They're going to eventually be called the Gimpion. The Gimpistry. G.I.M.P. Val Gimpis. Gimp'Lo. X-Gimp. Stone Gimp Steve Gimpin. Kenny Gimprock (sounds like a character from The Flintstones, huh?), Beaver Gimpage, Gympa, The Big Gimp, Michael Gimp, Gimp Ass, Road Gimpp, the Gimpfather, The Gimptaker, GoldGimp, The Blue Gimpie, Steve Gimpman, Debra McGimpel, Jeff Gimpett, and of course, the Rock is just... The Gimp.

Yes, I know I carried that too gimpin' far.

The Union assists Mankind to the ambulance. Testes is probably just hoping that Mankind doesn't sweat on his new black velvet shirt but Testes was gracious enough to ride in the ambulance with Mankind. We were pretty surprised there was enough room in there for Testes' package. We thought they would have needed to drive off with the back doors wide open.

Undertaker vs. Austin. Austin runs into the ring, slides and rolls back out of the ring. That was goood. For it to really be effective, he should have rolled out of the ring, ran around and back to the locker rooms. May as well go for the full circle. UT has been making some pretty hilarious facial expressions lately. After Austin hit UT's head on the steel steps, UT gave his impression of Bart Gunn. In other words, 'Duh.. which way did he go???'

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It seemed that UT was about to win the match. He does his signature 'thumb across the throat' hand motion which probably means that ... he's going to run his thumb across Austin's neck. That'll cause some damage, depending on whether you've cut your fingernails or not.

The Mini-Corp runs in, ties Stevie to the ropes and they hold his legs up??? What's going on??? Is this a prison movie? UT calls out the 'higher power', which is some wide dude in a robe who walks like a guido saying, 'Aye, whatta ya know.. I'm hyere..' Hey, he kinda walks like Gangrel. Well, I'll stick to my belief that it's Bea Authur mainly because it took about 15 minutes for this higher power person to get to the ring.

Here are the other possibilities of who the higher power is: The Emporer of Star Wars fame, Yoda with stilts, Estelle Getty, Clara Peller, that dude who sells the WWF tee-shirts, or the local grocer.

Anyways, Higher Power puts its face up to Austin and .... kissed him? Blew on his face? Lolled its tongue? Can't be positively sure. Judging by Austin's angry expression, he must have blown his Altoid challenged hot stinkin' breath on him. Hell, I would be offended. Bea Authur or not.

Remember all Mad Phatties, altoid.


*classic comment from the ever Cool Cynthia.

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