|Flashback of the Higher Power/ Austin thang. Yesterday on Heat, Austin was still irate
about having the Higher Power get one over on him so he went on a Stunner Rampage. It was
a truly devastating thing for the WWF and I'm sure they're all going through rehab right
now. It's rigorous going through the Stunner 12-step program. Anyways, the best stunner
was given to Meat. It was so damn good, it made Meat's mouth look like a blow-hole.
Or the mouth of one of the Big Boss Man's inflatable dolls.
Sorry again, BB! Anyways, Meat showed us all a new definition of ugly.
Roll intro for Raw. Hey, now they have clippage of the Hard Boys in there. Ah, I guess
they were bound to get a push. I mean, they're good wrestlers, they're young, they're
||Camera scans through the audience and we catch sight of one dude who may have lockjaw.
Nah, he's just very excited to be part of the LIVE Raw taping. I bet if I was there, I
would try to throw things into his mouth. Or use a water gun, shoot water into his mouth,
and watch the balloon inflate on the top of his head, causing a minor explosion enabling
me to win a stuffed doll.
||We also catch sight of an illustrated X-Pac sign. (That looks more like a bad
thumbprint... B.C.) By the size of it, I reckon it's Paul Wight's actual sized thumb
print. Or pinky toe print.
Vinnie Mac enters, swaying his womanly hips. He talks about the Higher Power and of all
the speculation that it is perhaps Shawn Michaels, one of the McMahon family, Jake Roberts
(that would mean it's the most Decrepit Power) or even the bartender down the block. HEY,
I said it was the local grocer. You taking my joke and altering it a bit, huh? Anyways, I
am still positively sure that it just MIGHT be Bea Authur.
Meanwhile, as Vinnie is blathering, I notice that he's got cleavage. Then he challenges
Shane to a cleavage match and puts up both of their WWF cleavage ownership shares on the
line. Just kidding. Specifically, WWF cleavage is not an entirely enticing thing,
considering most of theirs are really spread-apart.
Meanwhile, we get a shot of Austin by a limo, speaking to the people inside it. He
looked about ready to jump in there, saying, 'HEY, 50 bottles of Absolut and Othello!!
Hey, let's party!!!'
Mini-Corp enters. Again, as UT speaks, we experience that strange case of narcolepsy
again. Must........... he ............... speak.............. slower................. than
.................something............... really................. slow? Heck, even Mr.
Simmons is pretty bored. He's back there experimenting with the art of tongue lolling. How
UT finally calls the Higher Power out, who walks out teetering side to side like a
jawa. Well it was dark and I'm sure he didn't want to trip on his robe, nor his own feet.
Toppling foward into an unflattering mound on the floor would have taken some of the
credibility from his 'Higher Power' status. When both the moo-moo clad HP and UT stand
beside each other, HP just looks like a smaller version of UT. 'I'll just call him
Mini-Me,' UT would say. (can't wait to see the new Austin Powers movie..).
|By the way, the HP is Mike Tyson. Heh. The internet was plagued with some of the most
astronomically vacuous assumptions. They're so easy, aren't they? Remember, it's almost
positively, nearly undecidedly Bea Authur.
Meanwhile Viscera is showing off his two
silver beaver teeth. Kinda like a new enemy for Godzilla. Mega-Rodentron.
So.. before HP took its hood off, I saw the wrinkles and figured, 'Hey, I was
right! It's Bea Authur.' But alas, it just turned out to be Vince pulling the hood off and
grinning in a way that you can't tell if he was smiling or about to eat your head. HHH is
clapping and laughing, 'hahaha, I knew it was him.' Let's take a look at the expressions
of other Mini-Corp members.
First we have UT who perhaps said, 'Oh dip... I didn't know. I never got that memo..'
Then Mr. Simmons 'HEY, WHADDA YA KNOW BOUT DAT! It was you!! SHAT!' He even proceeds to
look towards the Titantron to make sure he wasn't watching a camera trick. He's a smart
man, he knows that whatever he sees on a screen must be true. The same goes for the
internet, everything written MUST be true. Mr. Simmons continues, 'See, it's on the
Titantron! And there I am too! Hey, I look good. Let me do them boobie flex thing. '
Vince thanks everyone for being in on the sham. He thanks UT (probably no need to thank
him, he didn't even know), Chyna, etc. Vinnie forgot some important 'little' people
though. The writers, the limo driver, the Fed Ex people and the French Doctor.
Stephanie and Momma come out and they aren't very happy about these turn of events.
Stephanie asks, 'How could you do that to me?' Uuuh... easily, I guess. Meanwhile Shane
looks to Poppa like, 'Uh, we in trouble with the women. Looks like we're gonna have to
heat up our own dinners tonight.'
Momma says there are four equal shares to the company and while Vinnie and Shane were
in the spotlight, she and Stephanie handled things behind the scenes. That would include
but is not limited to making sure there were enough coldcuts in the deli trays, those
little paper umbrellas were in all the cocktails, teasing the jobbers, sharpening the
pencils and making sure there was an adequate amount of white out.
Momma says there will be changes in the company. The dress code will change and
profanity would be alright. In order words, they can all have a power meeting in their
pajamas and they can say, 'Alright, take down this mother fuckin' memo.. Pass me the
goddamn vat of hazelnut coffee... and pass the muthafuckin' cheese and fruit platter....
GODDAMN, those are some great juicy muthafuckin' cantaloupes!' Ah, sounds just like my
family get-togethers. Sounds good to me.
Momma has handed their shares over to the new CEO, Steve Austin. Seems more like he'd
be suitable for the CFO position. Chief Fuckin' Officer.
Austin comes out and is ready to do some business. He refers to Shane as the 'Wonder
Boy' and Shane points to himself saying, 'MOI??!' (pronounced MOI and not
MWAH, as Mad
Phat would prefer). Surely he means the Undertaker... '
Austin sets some matches for the evening and Vinnie replies, 'Well
pal-ly, you're on!'
Okay friendy.. chummy wummy..
|A cast match is set between HHH and Rock. HHH doesn't like it one bit as he protests,
'NO!!!! I SET MY HAIR FOR THIS EVENING! I CAN'T WRESTLE!!!' Really, he did. Check
out the girlie locks. But alas, the match is to happen. Still HHH protests as he looks to
Vinnie, 'My hair, my hair! What do I do about my hair?? I just had a placenta treatment!
Hot Oil V05!! Streaks! Deep conditioning!! I CAN'T WRESTLE!!!!'
He is defeated.
||Edge and Gangrel vs. Acolytes. Hard Boys walk into this match and just stand there at
first. They know they shouldn't stand in one place for too long since this triggers our
analytical mechanisms. White Hard Boy wears some lengthy carpal tunnel ARM guards. They're
like leg warmers for the arms. You gonna flash dance soon? We shall eagerly await for the
day when the Hard Boys will grow up to be The Hard Men. I guess we've got about 10 years.
|Backstage, Kenny is walking while Testes and Show are following behind him. Kenny
looks mighty proud of his boys. 'These are my two babes.. for 50 cents a day, you
can eventually rent them for an evening. If you start now, you will have them for one
night in the year 2001. That's LESS than the price of a cup of coffee and lo-fat muffin..
in New York!'
Union comes out to the ring, where Cole is standing there, looking rather insignificant
as usual. Cole first speaks to Wight who looks like he's thinking, 'Oh geez, don't talk to
me, I'm sucking my gut in.... Can't .. talk.. and suck... at the ... same time...' Ain't
that the truth. Austin had given the Union a FREE pass to wrestle whomever they want this
evening. Wight chose Undertaker and said (well, more like gurgled) that he will chokeslam
him to hell. Turns out Hell is under the mat. At least there's a microphone there so they
can do a little karaoke. I'm sure there were also a few tables, cake pans and
Next it's Kenny's turn. He says, 'I just want to give a shout out to Mick..' We're
still waiting for you to shout, 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' As Kenny challenges
Vince to the octagon match, we can't seem to take our eyes off of his crooked nose. Wow,
them there are some major battle scars. You must snore like a freight train, Kenny. People
in the hotel room two doors away probably think that a helicopter landed on the floor
above. Word of advice, anyone sleeping with him shouldn't lay their head on his chest
while he's snoring away. This means you, Testes. His chest becomes the perfect conductor.
Then it's Testes' turn. Testes calls Stephanie out as Shane and Vince are watching this
in the back. Shane screams, 'A match... it's supposed to be a match!' Hey, are you saying
that Testes can't wrestle Stephanie? I'm sure he'll be wrestling her bra AND those clunky
shoes off. Testes says, 'I know ole Vinn-o and Shane-o (like Drano?) do not like you
dating a wrestler.....' Oh, I don't know-o. There are many nice wrestlers. I'm sure
Steph-o can have a lot to choose from. There's Shamrock-o, Steve-o, Undertak-o, Kane-o,
Edge-o, Show-o, (of course) Test-o and perhaps even Michael Cole-o. Urgh-o.
Testes gets down on his one knee. Good grief, not even a first date and you're
proposing already? I see, Testes is thinking, 'Back up the Brinks truck!' Smart man.
Testes asks, 'Will you go oot with me on a date?' I'm sure she'd love to if she could
figure out where OOT is.
He could have continued, 'Let's go oot to the Boohoos.. what do you think aboot that?
Then we go to my hoose and play backgammon.'
Sorry. (Oh, there you go offending all our Canadian friends!!! By the
way, I LOVE Canadians! -heh- ... Right Lance??? ... B.C.)
Steph-o says, 'I'd love to.' Way to be. I'm sure the sight of Testes' endowment AND the
shimmery boy leg briefs swayed the vote. If anything, he just damn well hypnotized her
with his pendulum.
Backstage, the French doctor is putting the cast on HHH's leg but as HHH kept shoving
him away, the doc kept coming back. He's like a horror movie monster, you know. When The
French Doctor Comes Back (to put a cast on you). By the way, he's French you know.
||X-Pac comes out, and before doing his crotch chops, the camera closes in and I think
he squeezed a nugget. Wow, he's putting a lot of effort into that one. It may feel
like he's going to squeeze a watermelon out but I bet it resulted in a feeble little
Sometimes you're about to push all of your lower intestines out but instead, you get a
light stream of noxious air.
Boy, I hate it when that happens. All that effort for minimal results.
Kaney then comes out. JR says, 'Are you ready for a little hell? Some fire and
flintstones??' FLINTSTONES?? (He said 'Brimstone,' .... B.C.)
I knew that.
I'll stick with the Flintstones though. Some Cocoa Pebbles may just be the correct
flavoring to my Hell.
They are to wrestle against Shane. X-Pac starts it off and he motions to Shane, 'Go
ahead, hit me... hit me... HIT MEEEE!!' Of course, Shane hits him. OUCH. I bet you didn't
expect him to hit you or anything like that, huh? The Posse runs in to save Shane but get
thrown back into the ring by Patterson and Crisco so Kane and X can have a go at them. But
seriouly, is there any specific reason why the Posse are back? I guess Pete Frog left his
wart cream behind. He had a couple of flies to eat.
|Backstage interview with Debra. Whoa.. unnecessary close-up. You know, that
girl's got one big mouth. I mean, literally! I wonder how many apples she can put in
there. Oh, and her big mouth is talking about having a bikini match against Bass.
Triple Gimp comes in for his cast match against Rock. I think it would have been more
amusing to have a Full Body Cast match where they would just have tiny little eye holes
that would stunt their peripheral view as well as stunt their every move. Therefore they
could circle each other, walking like ginger-bread men and unless they were facing each
other, they would never know where the other one is. The only way to win the match would
be if one of them tipped over and broke into pieces.
||UT interferes but Big Show runs in for the save. Before he dived into the ring, he
took a gracious little hop that would make Mikhail Baryshnikov proud. Or Michael
Even Milli Vanilli. Or just Milli (considering one of them died).
Debra with Jarrett vs. Nicole Bass with Venis in a bikini contest. Alright Jarrett,
where's your bikini? Of course Debra wins and the annoyed Venis tries make a grab towards
Jarrett and Debra. Jarrett pushed his hand away telling him, 'Don't touch my boobs! Boob!'
Eventually this results with Bass accidentally hitting Venis over the head with the
guitar. Venis yells at Bass but she screams back in an octave 10 times LOWER than Venis's
voice, 'Screw you!!'
She should sing for some death metal bands. (Fear Factory?? ... B.C.)
Backstage, Kenny is prepping for his match against
Vinnie. He's bouncing, jabbing,
looking fit. And his opponent? Vinnie is pacing and looking like he's saying, 'I'm gonna
lose... like I never lost before... and I will probably cry like a 3 year old girl if he
even looks at me with those wandering eyes. '
Gimp TV. Okay.. GTV. Overhead view of PMS' bathroom (which they claim is the locker
room). They were talking about the male wrestlers and I think this is when I search for
the house pets to play with.
Godfather vs. Billy Butt. Say, if anyone was really psychotic enough to listen to the
Butt's entrance music, you'd discover the gimpness of it. Basically it says, 'I'm an ass
man... I like to kiss em... I love to kick em... I wanna bite em... cause I'm an ass man.'
Maybe they should change the lyrics to 'I'm a gay man...' considering the lyrics are about
doing things to butts besides putting some two-ply charmin to them.
Dogg runs in to this match, wearing all white so that, in conjunction with his pasty
white legs, he looks like a glowing beacon. I wasn't even sure if he was wearing white
sneakers or if he was barefoot. Ah, what's the diff. When was the last time your body saw
the sun?? Well, that's the smarter decision since you wouldn't want to look like a
saddlebag with eyes. Or Billy Butt.
Who won that match?
Cole is backstage interviewing Droz and Prince Lumpy Hairy. He is just one odd shaped
looking dude. What's even worse was they both threw up. Was that really necessary?
Al Snow vs. Droz. I hope he used listermint. I meant Al. Just kidding. Hey
you even touch Al, you'll contaminate him. This match immediately goes to the backstage
area and into the bar. Smart move. Get a few drinks while you're there. Al gets the easy
Vinnie is backstage and Cole catches up to him. Vinnie says to Cole, 'You think I'm
afraid of Shamrock??' Vince should have continued, 'You're damn right I am. I squirted my
pants already. I changed my underwear three times already...'
|Vince sashays towards the octagon like, 'Yeah that's right... I'm
I gotta go to bathroom again.. where's my Immodium A.D.?' Vinnie gets inside the cage and
tried to keep the door closed by holding onto the chain. Kenny tries to kick it in and I
was expecting Vinnie to scream in a Bee Gee's tone of voice, 'GET AWAY FROM ME!!' However,
Jarrett interferes and knocks Kenny out with the chair.
Wight enters, sucking his
stomach in and jutting his ass out. He's about to do the pigeon walk.
||This leads to the best sign of the night though. YOUR MUSIC SUCKS. I'm sure this
guy was holding this sign up throughout the whole night.
|Wight vs. UT. The match begins and already we see them dilly-dallying as Wight does a
body builder pose and UT does his imitation of a rollie pollie. There are a few things
missing from Wight's technique. Specifically, the veins aren't popping out from his neck
and he doesn't have that strained constipated look as he holds a flex. Oh, he's also
missing some good hard solid muscles.
||But otherwise, he should have continued and we'd be able to see some more graceful
poses, like the butt clench, the crab stance, and the ever popular 'grabbing a ham
sandwich from the frig' pose.
|UT eventually counters with a devastating 'dead man flying to cop a boob' move. This
was such an incredible maneuver because UT was also able to slip in the super nipple tweek
move thereafter! That takes precision, timing and perverseness to be able to fly and make
direct contact. What a phenom he is to be able to give him the purple
nurple. The nork
torque. I guess it wouldn't be too hard to get the correct precision however considering
Wight's nipples are probably the size of a door knob. (As long as there's no
keyhole under it! ... B.C.)
||During this match, UT's samurai hair went negative and ended up in front of his face.
Does anyone remember the band Samhain? (Oh! Danzig!!! ... B.C.) They were
so gothic, I couldn't tell if their record was better on 33 or 45 speed. On either speed,
it was equally as baritone and slow-tempoed. I'm sure there are people out there who can't
even remember what 33 or 45 speed refers to. What's an album, they may ask.
It's something you put photos in, okay?
|Wight actually chokeslams UT through the ring. Ah, ECW... been there, done that. Still
it was amusing. What was more amusing was the silhouette of some kid's head popping up
into camera view. Check out the hair. (It looks like that Prodigy dude... Fiya starta
.. B.C.) There's a cross in the middle and he's got two little horns on the side.
Otherwise, I think it's a mohawk. Pretty elaborate, kid. The aliens are invading, I
reckon. (Jeeeeerrrrrrryyyyyyyy!!! ... B.C.)