get to see Austin's first day at the WWF offices in Stamford, CT. There are ...
||As Austin walks into the building, the back of his vest read
'Hoop Ass'. That's one pretty unfortunate ass. I mean, I can't imagine having people
trying to shoot basketballs in there. Especially since I'm sure Austin's hole is not
substantial enough to take that size of an object.
Oh, I'm starting already.
Austin goes into the building and even begins to change the
receptionist's work ethics. The phone rings and he suggests that she answer it like so,
'Who the hell is this? What the hell do you want?' Why are people acting like that's
wrong? I do this at work every day. Though I do not use those specific words, my tone is
basically dead-weight, baritone, uninspired, annoyed, bored, fatigued, homicidal, and
suicidal (What are you, Sabu?? ... B.C.). Sometimes you need not use words to
express your emotions.
Mini-Corp enters and Vinnie starts rambling about Austin becoming
the CEO. He said, 'Some people think the Corporate Ministry will dissolve.' We don't think
so. You guys ain't alka seltzer or anything.
|But what you need to do is get rid of the Posse (Pete Frog and
the Flock of Seagull Head). Also I would like to warn Bradshaw that Pete Frog may have the
hots for him. We have proof. Lookee the picture. Frog is totally checking out Brad
boobs. I guess I wouldn't blame Frog since Bradshaw does have some nice boobs .... for a
woman, that is. Good grief, Brad Shaw, those things are hanging low. Get a miracle bro or
something ... (a manssiere.....B.C.). While you're at it, get a guydle and some
manties. Goodness, you consider those things man-tits?
Vinnie starts setting up some stipulation matches just to find
out which one would be best for Austin at King of the Ring. A blindfold match (Testes vs.
Bossman. Hey, this would mean Testes doesn't have to look at Boss Man so the advantage is
with Testes), a strait jacket match, a handicap match and a David and Goliath match (I'd
like to see other great matches inspired by Bible stories: Joseph vs. his ten mean
brothers (remember, the youngest one wasn't involved), Moses vs. Pharoah, Jesus vs.
Judas... Rhiannon) Show plays the part of Goliath of course and David would be, as
Shane says, 'my buddy X-P-a-c.' (Why does Shane need to spell out his name all the
time?? ... B.C.) Because he's a G-I-M-P??
||Eventually Crisco and Patterson come out. Oh no, Patterson has
the mic. We still can't really figure out if he has a speech impediment or just an accent.
Sometimes that's one and the same. Heh. Patterson starts off, 'Vince, I'm dorkin' do
you...' You're dorking, alright, dork man. Then Pat continues, 'Vince, you damn know..'
Vince's expression speaks for all of us. Maybe he meant to call Vince a damn
gnome or something. To continue, 'Stephanie is my godchild.... BUH HOEW...'
|Again, Vince's face speaks for all of us. 'Whut are you
saaaaaaaying??' But Pat is on a roll. Pat says that he wants answers. Hey I'm sure Vince
could give you some answers if he just knew what you were asking.
To make it worse, Pat says, 'Is that a tret?' The answer to that is,
again, found in Vinnie's expression.
||HEY everyone! Check out Crisco's ears!! Dumbo-itus!! There is an
excessive amount of lobe there.
Eventually we get a close-up of UT's backside and see that the
sun has drawn out all his freckles (Awww, I hate that!! ... B.C.). Or maybe
they're his newest tattoos. A bit eccentric but hey, whatever floats your coffin.
Back to WWF headquarters. Austin is walking in the hallway and
screams to someone off camera, 'Get your ass back to work..' You heard Stevie, just
your ass though. Go somewhere and let it rip. PHHHHHHT .... PHHHHTTT... brraaaaaaap...
Yes, that was juvenile. Is it so wrong?
Austin speaks to Vinnie's three assistants. He asks the first one
to get him some beer. Then he gets the second one to get him some beer as well. The third
one asks if she could get him a beer too. He should have answered, 'No .. but what you can
do is get me some beer. But before you do that, get me some beer.'
|Road Dogg vs. Billy Butt in a dog collar match. Looks like
Doggie had some spare time and redid the braids on his head into the shape of a
cinnamon roll. You're missing the icing on top though. Dogg takes the mic and addresses
Butt, 'yadda yadda something something.... Billy, if you ain't down with getting your ass
whipped at the end of this chain, I got 2 words for ya! CINNAMON ROLL!!'
Alright, he didn't quite say cinnamon roll. It may have
been 'suck it' but anyone could have made that mistake. ANYONE!
Billy Butt comes out wearing a neck brace. Yo dude, you put that
thing on all wrong. Wrap it around your FACE, not your neck. This brings to mind that they
should have a 'dog lampshade' match. You know those cones they put on dogs so that they
won't scratch at their stitches or something. And well.. he is Road DOGG and Billy Butt's
face is DOG like. It's perfect! This could also prevent Dogg from braiding his hair into
more elaborate designs, such as the pretzel, the octagon, the Butt Head, the Princess Leia
cinnamon buns, the Coolio or the alien from John Carpenter's The Thing.
We're looking out for your well being.. Dogg. Really, we are. We
really, really, really, really care about you.
We do. (Really, she's not kidding... B.C.)
Chyna interferes in this match and Dogg loses. Oh well. Someone
go and sweep up that Doggie Doo in the ring.
Just kidding. Dogg seems like a nice guy.
Kenny Shamrock drives into the arena and is met by Slaughter (
'What do you want, Sgt. Chin?' Kenny may have asked) who says he is to be escorted by the
dudes wearing cop costumes. Kenny is uninterested and basically walks away, leaving Chin
following behind him, 'Hey... Kenny... Ken Boy.... Hey... you! Mr. Knife in the Drawer!!
Mr. Drawer! Whoo hoo, dangerous one... whuh.. whyyyyy.. OOOOH... don't you walk away from
me.... I got a milk-bone for you! I LOVE YOU MAN!' Okay, none of those worked. (They
worked on me... B.C.)
||We get a flashback of a previous UT/ Rock match where UT put
Rock in a tombstone. There are so many levels of WRONG in this maneuver. Look at the
wedgie capacity that UT has to Rock derriere. I hope nobody sneezed. That is one very
obscene totem pole.
We gotta get in on it.
Rock enters the ring wearing a new shirt. Rock has this
predilection for shirts made out of curtain material. It's sheer, it's stiff and I would
probably buy it. Of course I'd use it to scrape the shingles on the roof. Or scrub off the
dried up grease on the pans.
Rock takes the mic, 'Rock has come back to Wooster!' The camera
then cuts to the audience getting excited, 'WHOOO, we're in WOOSTER!!! WHOOO!! I had no
Rock says to UT, 'You think you impress me coming out with your
Undertaker symbol..' (I thought Rock was going to say, 'you impress me coming out with
your UNDERWEAR on...' B.C.) Don't worry everyone, BC is just on medication (Awww,
leave me alone! ... B.C.). Shock therapy is soon to come. Actually I think we'd
be pretty impressed if UT came out wearing just his Fruit of the Gloom. Actually, the
pattern on UT's tights already looks like he's got teeny bikinis over black tights.
Rock continues, 'You think you impress me by taking your eyes and
rolling them to the back of your head?' We'd be more impressed if he took his eyes and put
them in his back pocket. Then he'd be able to see people kicking his ass. Sorry.. that's
an old one.
Rock says there are '20,000 asses chanting 'Rock''. We wonder,
with 20,000 asses going (and we do mean GOING), how long would it be before people start
passing out? Even worse, if some confused moron thought he was at a Journey concert and
flicked his bic, the whole arena would just blow up. Anyways, I'm still waiting to hear
the 20,000 asses chant.. PPHT.. PPHT... PHHT... QUACK.. (sometimes 'toilet ducks'
Rock is STILL talking! 'You try to sacrifice the Rock but..
here's the twist..' To this day, I am still waiting for Rock to do his impersonation of
Chuck Berry. Even the watusi or the Johnny Bravo dance would have been a nice touch. To
continue, Rock yabbers, 'Rock says to take your entire 33 pound head.. turn it
|Hold up hold up hold up. How the hell did you know that UT has a
33 pound head. I'm surprised UT hasn't tipped over. That's a mighty colossal head to have.
I mean that's still probably about 50 pounds less than Big Show's head but .... still,
WHOA. He's like the Stan Clone from South Park.
Undertaker had just about enough of Rock talking so he comes out
onto the ramp and says (slowly), 'In response to your little nursery rhyme, let me put it
like this, Rock...'
UT should have then said, 'One- two buckle my shoe... Mary had a
little lamb... itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout (must do the hand
movements for this as well), Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean...
(huh?), Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Jack and Jill
went up the hill....' By the way, who ever said nursery rhymes were for children??? There
was one called Pussy in the Well.
Perverts. (Well, what do you think the spider wanted
off of Little Miss Muffett?!?! ... B.C.)
||Speaking of, Jarrett and Debra are walking backstage.
Whoa, check out Debra's one big nipple. She can feed about 50 babies all at once with that
sucker (Wouldn't that make it the 'Suckee'? ... B.C.)
Debra vs. Ivory. Ivory should have ran in and just poked that one
big nipple. Or she could have unscrewed it, let all the saline leak out and Debra would
topple over sideways. It would be an easy win. Nicole Bass came out.
In the least, Debra took two flips to the mat by Ivory in those
platform boots even. BUT HURRAH!! Ivory won the women's title belt!! Perhaps they can beef
up the women's division now. Mm.. maybe not beef. There's too much fat there, they can
ground turkey up the women's division. Then the WWF can bring Luna back and we can see
some real competitions!
Austin is in a business meeting and there's Busch Light Beer on
the table. With all the money the WWF makes, they can't get better beer?? I mean BUSCH??
Perhaps they just liked the name of it. How immature. I approve. Austin fires some dude
and as he leaves the room, we know he's thinking, 'Okay, see you guys later. I'll be back
as soon as the skit is over. I'll go to the bar downstairs and get some real beer. The
kind of beer that will put hair on a chest... of a woman.' Yes, he was able to have that
long thought. Hell, he was walking pretty slow.
Anyways, Austin passes beer to everyone and expects them to get
sloshed. Whoever is left standing, stays, I suppose.
Testes vs. Boss Man in the blindfold match. I would have liked to
give Testes a strategy plan to win this match. First of all, I would say, '....... win....
' Then, 'You'll be blindfolded but all you have to do is spin around like a top in the
middle of the ring. The catch is that you have to be naked, then your trunk would
eventually hit Bossman and send him flying into the upper tiers.' I'm pretty sure it's
that powerful, like a T-Rex tail, I bet. The only negative is that he might tangle himself
up in his own manlihood. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time though.
Okay, on to the match. Testes is trying to take some wild swings
while Bossman toys with him. (Use the Force, Test!.... Rhiannon). YEAH,
the FORCE! And use your nose to get a whiff of the nearest smell of pork. Then you'll be
sure to hit Boss Man square in the snout, young Peni. Oh, I should do that in Yoda format:
Nose use your and pork whiff nearest. Then... and only then... Boss Man snout you sure to
hit. Young Peni.
|Testes manages to hit Boss, who swings around, and actually gets
some hang time before hitting the mat. It was like a live action Looney Tunes scene.
We expected to see him look to the camera, eyes widened, hold up a sign that said, 'Uh-Oh'
and then hit the mat. Boss then gets the nightstick and heads straight towards Testes.
'I'm not going to use KY!'
DAMN, perhaps we should tone this down and PG-13 this.
NAH! We wouldn't be MAD and PHAT if we censored OURSELVES!
Boss hits Testes with the stick and JR says, 'he hits him right
in the temple...' Yo man, they were in the ring, not in a temple. Actually, Boss hit
Testes on the back of the neck. Unless there's a little temple on the back of his neck..
uh.. forget it.
Stephanie runs in to save her man, tries to protect him from
Bossy, as if to say, 'NO! I love him!! I'm going to take him to the back and make him feel
better.... but uh.... can I borrow your night stick?? Just this one time??'
||X-Pac enters.. boing boing.... Hoppety one he is. He must have
taken a whole tub of Mega-Man by GNC. (Or Mega- Wrestler.... B.C) We do notice
that a tumor is growing on his arm. Does anyone remember this movie where some dude
was growing another head out of his shoulder?
This is the David and Goliath match. Show comes out, takes the
mic, 'You don't have to prove anything, it's all good.' Basically you just wanted to say,
'Little buddy, it's all good but I don't wanna have to eat you for dinner now, okay??' But
the strong willed little X-Pac is ready to wrestle. He said (not in so many words but..
this is the general message that Mad Phat hears), 'Hey man, I don't mind getting beat up
at all. I do it every day. It wouldn't be the first time.. it'll be the zillionth time.
So... I'm actually beginning to like it. The beatings I get here are nothing compared to
the beatings my wife gives me so I'm not scared. Just don't hurt me too hard, okay?'
But alas, Wight throws X out of the ring with a mere mush of the
big palm and X falls out of the ring in an unfriendly manner. Kane then comes to the
Kane wants to wrestle Wight but X won't let him and so Kane pops
X. Don't worry everyone, all in a day's work for X. Geez, now everyone (including the
refs) should pile on the X-Pac. X retaliates by kicking Kane, who hits the mat, turns
around and lays on his back, and probably emitted a little, 'ow'. X and Kaney have their
slight lover's tiff but eventually work things out.
Kenny vs. Jarrett in a strait jacket match. Before Kenny was even
able to get into the ring, Jarrett was hopping around trying to get to him. They should
have put the strait jacket on Jarrett. It would have fringes and all considering he is a
southern boy. (No, it would have had those flashing lights on it, like in the
old JJ days! ... B.C.) During this match, we are able to see Kenny's athletic
ability as he basically took down Jarrett numerous of times just using his feet. Meaning,
he stuck his foot in Jarrett's nose and the smell knocked him down.
Just kidding. Kenny started off with a nice tai-bo/ Rockette kick
(we provide the kung-fu voice overs of course) 'wah-TAH!!' and after a few take-downs by
Kenny (fall-downs on Jarrett's part), Kenny applies the choke hold. Kenny's good.
I bet if Kenny was to continue, he'd show us other amazing things
that he does with his legs such as cooking, beating Jarrett in a game of chess, taking off
his own clothes (HEY!) and setting a table. (Brushing his teeth ... B.C.)
Kenny was also able to get himself up from the mat with just his
legs. BC finds this truly amazing since she knows if she found herself in the same
situation (you know, wrapped up in a strait jacket and on the floor. This happened to her
just a few days ago as a matter of fact), she would resort to the 'roll thyself away to a
safe place' method. (Hey, I have a problem getting up from the floor with my
hands free ... B.C.)
Vinnie runs in after Kenny wins the match to steal the strait
jacket key. This leaves a Kenny pretty frantic because he knew he had no friends at all
who would get him out of that jacket. Not even the concession guy would assist.
GTV segment. The make-up woman is shaving Billy Butt's rear and
she finds a zit there. She should have shaved over the zit. All the gunk would have
exploded and they'd both be covered with goo. It'd be like an Aliens movie.
That was disgusting.
Brisco and Pat vs. Mideon and Viscera. However Pete Frog and
Seagull Head hop and swoop in to attack and there is carnage, ribbitting and pecking and
cawing. Oh, it was horrible.
Kane vs. Acolytes. Kaney's got such a nice, squishy, rotund yet
firm butt that even Bradshaw had to check it out. (See, Frog, you're out of Brad's league,
he loves another man's butt...) Kaney doesn't take too well to this and sends Bradshaw
splaying in an upside down manner. Actually it looks like Kane's outfit is starting to
stretch out a bit. The ass part looked a little saggy and his left boob was almost
exposed. Thank the laws of nature and the disintegration of lycra.
|Next we see Bradshaw showing the world what will happen if they
don't keep their hands out of the ho-ho jar. Bubble syndrome. Bradshaw's developing a
nicely rounded bubble butt AND bubble stomach. Eating curry food will also give you the
bubbles. Bloop bloop..
Acolytes double team on Kane but X-Pac runs in with a chair,
swinging madly. Gotta give it to the little Pac for the enthusiasm he puts into his every
movements. Unfortunately this almost caused him to trip over his own feet AND Kane's body.
I'm sure them splaying on the mat together is something they do in private.
Aw come on, men can show each other love. Uptight.
Kenny is backstage trying to get the strait jacket off him. He
yells and throws himself against the wall. That oughta do it. Maybe you should raid the
deli tray for some chili which would enable you to putt and poot, which would not
necessarily get you out of the jacket, but it could drive you home. Kenny held his breath
and then let out one hearty scream. I think this should have worked. The jacket should
have exploded into shreds, flying in all different directions.
||Well, at least one of the straps popped off. Then Kenny stands
there and growls. That was a pretty hearty scream, he may have evacuated.
Austin has the wheelbarrow people drop cow dung onto Vince's
office floors. All in a day's work.
Vinnie and Shane comes out. By now we've seen about a thousand
'CEO 3:16' signs. Camera man catches one of them proudly displaying it, probably thinking,
'I thought up this sign all on my little lonesome...'
Your wit is matched only by... the many other people holding up
the same sign.
|Vinnie addresses Austin and of the desecration to his office
floors. He won't forgive him, Vinnie says. But Kenny runs in, free of his restraints and
screaming like a mad man. He's so mad that he .. he... imitates a Bushwhacker? Shane
gets belly-to-belly suplexed and Vinnie escapes.
Rock vs. UT. UT walks down the ramp with his eyes rolled back.
How the hell are you going to see where you're walking? If anything he would have veered
off to the right and walked off the ramp. HHH comes out and this is going to be a triple
||Heeey.. UT's been dipping into Bradshaw's ho-ho jar. UT's
bubbling out a bit. Perhaps they've been hanging out at the same gym. Mind you, just
hanging out...... not working out or anything. Not sitting up let alone doing
|Just for further proof, UT puts his knee onto Rock's neck and
UT's belly is practically laying around Rock's head. Practically!! I guess UT is now
||During this match, someone threw in this huge origami rock which
probably took about five burly women to throw in.
|Eventually Rock wins as HHH and UT have their little dispute.
Rock goes to finish up the chili at the deli tray and HHH and UT start hitting each other.
The Mini-Corp runs in to separate them and again, HHH performs his favorite 'I Love
YOOOOU!' move. Basically he gets a running start from across the ring and leaps onto the
man he loves. See? They are such a tight knit family. I sense the love, the
affection, the perversions.
Way to be.