We get a
flashback of last week's Undertaker and HHH trifle. Chyna is trying to really tell the
Undertaker off but deep down inside, we know that she's just upset that Undertaker had
stolen her black halter top some time ago.
HHH and Chyna (who is wearing sunglasses indoors) enter. Hey
girlie, you're going to walk right up HHH's butt without a seeing eye dog. HHH calls the
UT's 'dead ass' out. Dead ass, huh?? That thing must be lagging behind UT, without umph,
without lift, and probably putrifying as well. I really dislike dead asses. They just sit
there take up real estate. They also smell worse than what a lively ass would smell like.
Mm, as we take a more careful analysis, the UT's ass may not be really dead weight but it
is without umph. It's just in a state of coma and on life support, I suppose. (I
vote we pull the plug... B.C.)
Just when UT and HHH start settling their differences with flying
fists, the Mini-Corp runs in. Vinnie tries to blind them with his yellow 80's
sportsjacket. (Vince must've rolled a used car salesman to get that suit. Either that,
or his real suit coat got messed up and he had to borrow one from arena security.... Rhiannon)
|As Vinnie tries to separate them two, UT and HHH proceed with a
lethal stare-down. Judging by UT's efforts, he's just trying to confuse the hell out of
HHH. Is it just me or does UT look like he's wondering whether or not he put his underwear
on? I should know, that's what I look like when I contemplate the same thing.
||Vinnie talks about King of the Ring and that there will
be a QUEEN of the Ring. He points towards Chyna's direction but we know he's really
talking about Boss Man. This monologue takes its standard 10 minutes before it gets
anywhere and Shane even looks tired. Actually, he looks like he's eating sour balls or
something. That's what we look like when we try those sour muthafuckas,
like Sour Cabbage Patch Gummy Candies.
|It's Austin's cue and he comes out, marketing his new (?) shirt.
Anyways, he's got it conveniently unbuttoned in the chest area. Hey Stevie, if you're
trying to be sexy, I just want you to know that your shirt now reads 'Stone Old'. I
guess the 3:16 under it means that you're 316 years old. Hey, you're preserved well!
Stevie talks about being the CEO and tells Vince to 'look at me with those beady little
eyes when I'm speaking to you...'
||Vince looks to Stevie, 'you mean THESE beady eyes???' Note:
Vince is a silly man.
|As the camera focuses back to Stevie, someone in the audience
raised a palsied hand up to perhaps ask Stevie a question. Oh, how
polite. But alas, this gnarled hand is ignored. I guess politeness doesn't always win you
Stevie comes up with a stipulation. In his KOR match, if any
Mini-Corp member interferes, Stevie will automatically win and will get 100% control of
the WWF. 'And that's all I got to say about that..' He should have continued, '.. except
for this other thing that I gotta say about that...'
Vinnie attempts to set a stipulation but HBK's music cues up and
here we go. Shawn Michaels is being elevated from under the ramp, Brood-style. Shawn's one
pant leg is riding up though so I wonder which Brood member was trying to find out what
his religion is. Shawn calls out his associates, The Stooges and then he sets up
some matches. Stevie will wrestle any member of the Mini-Corp. At first they suggest UT or
HHH but they are both booked to wrestle each other. So just guess who is available for the
evening (oh, that's the story of his life, huh?). Boss Man!
Hey ... Steve.. you're going to .... wrestle... Boss Man. Boy..
will that .... be ... a tough... battle. Hey, I really firmly absolutely believe that Boss
Man will win that match. I know for sure. It was written on MANY MANY newsboards. That
means it's true. By the way, Shawn will be the special ref.
The Stooges are also booked to wrestle Vinnie and Shane. Good for
you, Stooges, I know you're happy and all but there was no need to start dancing along to
HBK's music. Of course the Mini-Corp start going after them to kick their asses because,
hell, the dancing was hurting their eyes.
Well, whatta ya know, Viscera is left in the ring! Kenny runs in
and hits him with a chair. Viscera didn't know what hit him. Really, he didn't. He didn't
get the memo either. Really! He didn't.
||Vinnie, Shane, the Acolytes and Mideon are backstage. Mideon
said he found an extra title belt and asked if he could have it. Bradshaw basically
shot him an answer with the look in his eyes. 'I can't believe you asked that!' Careful,
Mideon, a bunch of squiggly hairs would soon come out of his eyeballs and strangle you.
Kenny Shamrock vs. Testes, both in color coordinated outfits. I
wonder if they planned that. Once Bostin and I met up with each other, wearing similar
clothing (i.e. black pants, shirt, baseball cap), looking like we came out of a Rhythm
Nation video. (I hate that. Remember the time we looked like Wayne and
Garth?? ... B.C.)
Patterson comes into this match leading Jarrett and Debra in. Ah
geez, Pat has the mic again. He states that this is to be a triple threat match but how
he pronounces things has always supplied endless material for Mad Phat. Now JR and Lawler
have latched onto it as well. GO GUYS!
Here we go. Pat says, 'Dis iz going to be a cripple tret
match...' Oh great, it's going to be Jeff Gimpett with Debra McGimpel vs Gimpes vs Kenny
Gimprock. Hey, sounds like fun. Just to give Pat a second chance, we rewind the tape to
have a second listen.
'Dis iz going to be a dribble tret match...' Dribble? That's even
worse. Pat continues, '... and dis iz an order from guhmissioner Shawn Michael.'
GUHmissioner, even. JR said, 'MICHAEL??' and Lawler closed it out, 'A TRIPLE TRET
Towards the end of the match, our old forgotten (is he a)
wrestler, Steve Blackman comes in with a Kendo stick. (Hey, GI Joe's back! ...
Rhiannon). He hits the fallen Kenny, probably screaming, 'GIVE ME A GIMMICK!! I WANT
A GIMMICK DAMMIT!!' Blackman then walked off, probably thinking, 'oh forget it, I'll just
use the Sandman's old gimmick. I have the stick. Someone give me a cigarette, 20 cans of
beer, cargo pants with many pockets to store the beer in and a pregnant-looking beer gut.'
Jarrett wins by the way.
|Kenny is backstage, being assisted by the medics. Poor guy,
those kendo sticks are pretty harsh. I mean Francine and Chastity even endured those hits.
Judging from this picture, we think there are more things that contribute to the plights
of a Kenny. He screams for them to get away from him. The following picture looks more
like he's saying, 1. 'Back up, I'm going to horff!' 2. 'Oh look, there's a shiny, new dime
on the floor.' or 3. 'DON'T NO BODY MOVE!! MY CONTACT LENSE POPPED OUT OF MY EYE!'
Meanwhile Blackman non-chalantly left the arena. Don't worry, the
fans won't bother him because they're not even sure if he's a wrestler.
||Rock enters. There's a HUGE multiple person sign and it says,
'THER'. Of course it's supposed to say The Rock but where did the 'OCK' people go?
To the bathroom? Maybe they're chasing down the cotton candy vendor. They had MORE
important things to do than to have their multiple person sign be COMPREHENDABLE!! Of
course, this becomes material for Mad Phat. Come on, OCK people, you're slacking off.
Rock vs. Edge. The cameras scan the audience for Edge but,
whoops, he's already in the ring, showing off his fluffy new hair. Well, it's the same
hairstyle, just fluffier. Looks like he went to get a perm.... and walked out in the
middle of it.
Say, there was a rumor going around that Edge was injured in a
previous Raw and some teeth got knocked out. Oh well, he had too many anyways. He and
Ivory could get together and make many mega-teethed babies. Just kidding. Edge has a
healthy set of choppers. He shows the world that he uses Water-Pik. And perhaps some
chalk. DAMN, he's got flourescent teeth. Strap his teeth to the front fender and all cars
in front of you will think an alien ship is on their ass.
Rock is about to do his crappy elbow move. Lawler says, 'I
smell...' and JR answers, 'the people's elbow.' Pretty raunchy, I bet, considering the
Rock's sweating problem. UT runs in however (not too quickly though) and tombstones Rock.
That wasn't very nice. Does your momma let you play with other children that way?
Mark Henry vs. Viscera in a Gorilla Slam Match? Before Henry gets
into the ring, he does a little jig. I can hear him, '1-2-2-1-1-2-2-1..' Sometimes it
takes mega concentration and the numerical system to dance. For those who need to use that
method, may I suggest you give it up and resort to the Pogo, the Johnny Bravo dance or
even the Shawn Michael dance. (Or the Cabbage Patch! ... B.C.)
Oh, hi Shawn! (Oh yeah! Hi Shawn!
Congratulations on your wedding!!!!! Tell Whisper I said 'Hi!' ... B.C.)
Henry is in the ring and starts miming. He presses his palms up
to the ceiling, motions that he's slamming something, then he slaps his hands together 1,
2, 3. Y'all think he's trying to say something? Of course to the uninspired, this means
that he will press Viscera up, slam him and get the 1,2,3 count. To Mad Phat, it means
that (pressing palms up) his armpits need to air out and (putting arms down) whoops,
forgot to shave the pits and (slaps hands) he's going to ho-down.
Viscera wins this match by helping Henry throw himself off the
corner turnbuckle. Viscera is about to pile on Henry but D'lo runs in and they throw
Viscera off. Isn't it horrible to think that UT actually got slammed THROUGH the mat and
Viscera and Henry didn't? UT's GOT to lay off the ho-ho's! Or the devil dogs, the
preferred snack of evil dead guys.
Oh, Mideon runs in to save Viscera as he hits Henry and D'lo with
that extra belt he found. Is that the lightweight belt? It does look a little small. Geez,
that poor belt became insignificant so quickly. Give it back to Taka Michinoku. (Yeah!
Backstage it's a Beaver interview. He stops in mid-interview and
just said, 'I can't do this..' Someone off camera says, 'Chaz, we're live...' Good.
Perhaps they can put an end to this tasteless character. After all, WWF is about taste and
Speaking of class, HBK starts flouncing down the ramp. I must
commend Shawn for having the self confidence he has. No one would flounce the way he does
if they didn't have a sense of security to look like a completely goofy idiot.
|So, in honor of your self confidence, we have taken a series of
captures as a tribute to your dorkishness. Can we say, Lord of Dance and Dork? Okay, to
make it easier, Lord of Dork. (I can say "Dork of the Dance"!! ...
Boss Man vs. Austin with Flouncy as the special
ref. During this match, Vince and Shane walk in with the ladder in such a matter-of-fact
way that I figured they're always carrying the ladder with them wherever they go. I was
expecting them to walk through each match with the ladder. It was very 'I Love Lucy'.
|They hang out by the announcer's table and Vince appropiately
stands on the steps of the ladder like, 'Well, here I am, standing on the steps of this
ladder. It's not like I'm going to get knocked over and fall into the table behind me or
anything.' Of course, he's there just to get a better view. After Austin knocks him over,
Shane helps Vinnie up and then gives that, 'No one saw me fall, right?' look.
||Oh, the match. One point, both Boss Man and Austin are down on
the canvas. This causes HBK to declare himself ... the WINNER! You go, flounce boy!
Okay, Austin wins the match with the assist of Boss Man's nightstick and
HBK's back turned. Vince and Shane are so irate that they take the ladder..... and they
hold it. Even more horrifying than that ...... they stood next to it.
How could they. This is supposed to be family entertainment, for
crying out loud.
Austin takes the mic and said, 'You and that son of a bitch haffa
yaaa baa duh.... and that's all I got to say about that.' I think he was possessed by
Patterson for a brief moment there. Austin then drinks his beer. Well, he doesn't really drink
it, he showers in it. Whatever goes in his mouth, he spits it right out or lets it drool
out. I guess he's a good candidate for the Dribble Tret Match. It is Austin's
character to drink hoards of beer but he can't really consume it, otherwise he wouldn't be
able to make it out of the ring.
Well, he'd make it OUT of the ring but not in a good way.
We get a 'During the Break' scene, where it looks like they waxed
the floors and The Mini Corp are scootching it up now with Boss Man. Ah geez, pork schmutz
on that nicely waxed floor.
|Venis comes out. He says, 'Pritchard, send them out now..'
Prince Albert and Droz come out. They show a pre-interview with Prince Tweety Head Albert
but even the tech crew thought it was so boring, they cut it mid-way. Back to the action:
Venis handcuffs Droz outside of the ring, and Prince Body Rug inside the ring. Venis
attempts to open up Prince 'My-Eyes-Are-So-Beady-I-Shouldn't-Be-Able
-to-See' Albert's box of piercing and tattooing goodies and I do mean ATTEMPTS. Damn, even
the handcuffed could open it faster than Venis could. Droz even tried to open that box up
with the assist of his big boat feet.
By the way, Prince Hairy obviously shaved his ass. He must have
been on a shaving frenzy though as it looks like he started shaving his legs also. (He
should have just shaved his one cheek... B.C.) Venis 'tattoos' his initials on Prince
Shaved Butt, however, it didn't look like two V's but a W. That would stand for 'What
is this doing on my ass..'
||X-Pac, Road Dogg and Kane are walking backstage. X and Dogg are
perhaps yabbering about the old, pre-Kane days while Kaney is just lagging behind them.
But HEY, they walk by an ironing board. Dogg should have taken his shirt off and
starting ironing it. Better yet, he should have taken off X or Kane's leggings and start
ironing that and we, the perverted, would get some cheap thrill.
X-Pac, and Dogg enter the ring. X-Pac does some spastic,
sema-phore signals. Hold up hold up, I know semaphore. He said, 'Give .. me ... some ...
cotton ... candy ... please.' Then it's Kane's grand entrance. By the way, a Mad Phattie
has pointed out a very, very important issue. (Have you noticed that Kane's spare tire
has disappeared and it has mysteriously reappeared on the Undertaker (even bigger and
|They go against Billy Butt and Acolytes. X-Pac says that they
'should put the belts up right now'. Butt replies, 'You're damn right we accept, you
punk.' At this moment, it looked like Mr. Simmons was going to rip every hair off of Butt
with a tweezer. His expression screamed, 'You WHAT, orange leather boy???!'
||Oh, there's just so much negativity in their relationship. Let's
move on to a lighter topic. HEY EVERYONE, look at Bradshaw's lopsided belly! How
strange that perhaps one side of his belly is heavier than the other. How'd he do that?
|The bell rings and EVERYONE just goes at it. Bad little X-Pac
must have been sent to the corner of the ring by the ref. Maybe he was caught passing
notes and looking under Bradshaw's belly. Okay, he just missed with the bronco move but
my, he looks lonely in the corner there.
Anyways, eventually Butt gets spin kicked by X. Then X SCREAMS
for Bradshaw to get in the ring like so, 'YO, Brad! This is your CUE!' You show off, stop
letting the world know that you already know what's coming up next in the script. Not all
of us are priviledged, you know. Alas, X loses the match and Butt runs off with one of the
Kane is standing over X's body, which is face down on the mat,
with his hands on his hips, saying, 'You know, I can't work this way... I can't work with
this man. I'm going to my trailer.'
Meanwhile, Simmons has taken the other belt and perhaps gloating
to Bradshaw, 'HAHAHA, he took YOUR belt. This one is MINE! Yours has the elastic on the
back. We couldn't fit anymore belt holes in the strap, remember, tubby??!'
Now that was just mean.
GTV segment. Al is reading the paper and picking his nose. He
then ... eats it. Hey, you kiss your wife with that tongue??
Big Show enters. He takes a leap into the ring via the top rope.
We're waiting for the day when he'll trip over the top rope. You know Mad Phat would be
there... and we'd rehash the memory over and over and over and over again. We'd carry it
to our graves, no doubt.
Big Show vs. Holly. Holly comes out to yabber. 'You're the Big
Show but I'm the big shi... oh, I mean the Big Shot.' He continues, 'I don't like you, I
think you suck..' (Hey, Holly should know.... B.C.) OOH! Meanwhile, Wight is very
unimpressed. He looks to Holly like, 'You know, I took a dump bigger than you just a few
minutes ago. We had to call the Roto Rooter truck again..'
Anyways, this hardcore match eventually gets taken to the
backstage area. Holly throws a garbage can towards Wight, who ducks, and it hits the
camera man. For crying out loud, you can't even hit a target that big??? We'll dub thee
||Wight ends up shoving a car over a ledge, where Holly lay
beneath. Of course Wight wins and as he walks off, we see Prince Where Am I Going
walk into camera range. He notices the camera, 'WHOOPS' and promptly turns around. Hey,
he's supposed to be getting laser surgery to have that 'W' tattoo removed.
Vince and Shane vs. Crisco and Patterson. Vinnie and Shane starts
working over the Stooges and JR says, 'Brisco has a lot of motivation there.' Yeah, he's
pretty motivated to hug the canvas and rub his nose on it. Patterson has Vinnie in a
corner and ATTEMPTS to get up on the buckles. Just when he managed to do so, he spent the
rest of the time trying not to fall backwards. We reckon he didn't get his full dosage of
Kenny then runs in, shoves Patterson out of the way ('Outta my
way, geezer!') and beats up Shane while Vinnie runs away like a frightened woman. Watch
those hips sway. Kenny gives chase, leaving Shane to get beat on by the Stooges.
|Of course the Posse comes in. Well, Pete Frog hopped
in. There is a third posse member. Yeah sure, we're supposed to believe that he's actually
friends with them? I think they bought him from a wrestler store. He may be wearing the
Dockers and the preppie vest but who are you trying to fool? Mm, as we look at the
picture, it's like playing a game. 'One of these things is not like the other' or 'Which
doesn't belong in this picture.'
At least JR gave him a name. He's called the 'New Guy'. Hi New!
Or is it Mr. Guy?
HHH vs. UT. HHH is in the ring first and starts bouncing off the
ropes. You better do that for a good half hour since that's how long UT's entrance takes.
During the match, JR comments that 'Bearer is keeping an eye on
Chyna..' Literally, that is a very disturbing image. Take that eye off her for goodness
Rock runs in to interfere, gives UT the people's smelly elbow and
motions for his Bull symbol to be lowered. 'It's snorting!' screams Lawler. Sparks too.
That's a nasty sinus condition, isn't it?
Eventually the Mini-Corp runs in. Then Boss Man runs in to exact
revenge upon those who smeared him on the nicely waxed floors. Rock puts Bearer on the
Bull and UT walks off. Of course they didn't lift the Bull up since there weren't enough
men to pull the rope. Urgh.. it would have taken about fifty burly men to lift Bearer up.
Or one hundred stocky women. Or 250 well conditioned lads. Or 750 strong midgets.
Alright, I'm done.