|The signs have been few and far between lately but we have
caught ONE. DAVE MART. Yes, Shop Smart, shop Dave Mart. That's where you can get the best
selection of Daves.
Mini-Corp enters and we notice that HHH isn't sporting the
plastic pants anymore. Must have been having a problem with those yeast infections and
They celebrate their victory over Austin the night before on KOR
by dropping balloons onto the audience. I hope no one was hurt. As Vinnie starts his 1
hour monologue, we notice that Undertaker has chosen to stand in the corner. Someone must
be stinking up the ring. I vote that it's Mideon. Someone oughta just poke Mideon in one
of his eyes. The most effective would probably be the big eye in the middle of his shirt.
||Meanwhile Viscera is still rejuvenating his lipstick by
smacking, pressing and rubbing them together. With the wonders of a 4-head vcr, we are
able to capture the moment. He looks like one of those Twilight Zone characters from
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.
|Yes, Vince is still speaking but it's a Mad Phat rule to care
more about the surroundings. Here we see that Shane has probably not feasted yet and is
about to sneak up on his Pops and go for the jugular. Vin, I'd be careful if I were you.
Considering how your family is falling apart, I'm sure the women of the household are not
cooking the dinners.
Vince talks about the UT/ Rock match of yesterday and says to UT,
'Rock definitely smelled what YOU were cooking last night..' I'm sure he did and he
probably passed out from it. I'm sure it smelled pickled.
Boss Man comes out and HEY! His music changed! He doesn't have
that cool head/ neck jiving type of riff anymore. Who is writing the music for the WWF
these days?? I bet he's still got his Night Ranger shirt, his white tennis sneakers, acid
washed stretch jeans, a mullet from hell, wears a headband, a loose flashdance shirt OVER
the Night Ranger shirt, a baby blue belt, a fedora, blue eyeshadow, half a bottle of
Aqua-net and fishnet gloves. (OUCH! ... B.C.)
That was truly a horrible visual. I better go and burn those
pictures of me looking like that from the 80's. Heh.
Anyways, Bossy enters the ring and Vin tells all his peeps to go
stand at the other side of the ring. Are you sure you wanna do that? The ring is liable to
tip over. (And Vinnie will go catapulting into the audience... B.C.) Anyways, it
seems that there will be some sort of confrontation with Vinnie but Bossy just says, 'I
love you guys!' Ah geez. No Bossy, you can't have their Bud-Light. You can't have their
Then it's Stevie's cue. Steve knew that he was going to get
screwed over at KOR so he had already re-written his contract. He talks about punching Vin
in the mouth and he will also wrestle UT on this Raw.
Blackman is walking backstage. Hey, who let that guy into the
arena?? Only wrestlers and WWF personnel are allowed!
Sorry. Blackman actually walks like, 'I got a gimmick, I got a
gimmick, nanana na na na.. I had to pay the WWF to let me work but.. I'se finally
Then we see Kenny walking backstage as well. I think they should
have eventually crossed each others' paths. Or one could go into a room, close the door,
then the other would come out of another room.. Sorry, it's those Looney Tunes residuals
Kenny enters the ring, takes the mic, stating that Vince 'hired
someone to take me out..' Aw, then why are you complaining?? I think it's rather generous
that he paid someone to show you around town. Well, then again, it is Steve
Blackman that is doing the escorting. Must have gotten him in the bargain basement
department of escort services.
||Kenny eventually calls Blackman out and THEN we see Kenny put
some of those blood capsules into his mouth! Couldn't you guys have at LEAST been a
little more obvious. The camera should have gotten a full frontal shot with Kenny
advertising the pills in a 'game show hostess' way and he would delicately place each pill
into his mouth. That's the right way to do it.
Blackman walks towards the ring with duffel bag in hand and a
Kenny attacks. Eventually the kendo stick and nunchucks are used. Then Kenny bit on the
blood capsules and salivated which made him look like he was wearing lipstick. It wasn't
really his color. Eventually Blackman starts digging into his bag for more weapons, but I
reckon that all he had in there was his jock strap, his undies, fifty copies of the
martial arts magazine that he was in and perhaps a book about how air pumps could benefit
his sex life.
Maybe some Altoids and Chiclets too. Ah geez.
Backstage, officials are trying to assist Kenny but poor thing is
in AGONEE, AGOE-NEE!
|Billy Butt gets to the ring. Again, we make attempts to listen
to the lyrics of his entrance theme. He wants to stick em? Lick em? Did it say 'swallow
em'? Cole is in the ring to conduct the interview. Butt starts bragging about becoming one
half of the tag team champions but after he swings his hair, he just looks more like an
Art Garfunkel protege. Hello darkness, my old friend.
||Anyways, everytime Billy Butt wants to get pompous, we just
think of this picture.
HHH's music starts playing. It's different now as they've added
lyrics to it. It starts off, 'Is this thing on??' And it should have continued, 'testing
testing, hello?? Hello?? Is this thing on?? Can you hear me?? Tommy, can you hear me? Can
you see me? Can you feel me?'
HHH says to Butt that X-Pac and Doggie are claiming all rights
and priviledges of merchandising profits of DX. HHH says, 'We were DX..' Key word
of course is 'WERE'. Then HHH says, '..and when I say ME..' Well, HHH, you didn't say
'ME', you said 'WE'. What a dolt. Some consistency in your monologue, huh?
|Rock then comes in and a ruckus breaks out. The refs run in to
try to break them up and one of the officials took this opportunity to be loved. Check him
out. He's nuzzling against HHH's bosoms. Aw, I think it's true love.
Backstage, Chaz is with his girlfriend, Marianna. Good thing they
let the Beaver gimmick go. Chaz says it's about having fun and being from New Jersey.
Isn't that an oxymoron?? Heh, just kidding. (No, an oxymoron would be,
"being cool and being from New Jersey"... OH! ...B.C.)
GTV clip of Testes coming out of the Mariott with Stephanie. They
give each other a pretty awkward peck on the lips and drive off. That's worse than a movie
kiss, really. Either one of you would just as soon kiss a Wookiee. Or your own hands.
Meat with PMS (that's mighty bloody combo, I would say..OH!) vs.
Chaz with Marianna. Chaz's entrance music isn't even completed yet. It sounded like
someone plucked one note on the guitar and just hitting the whammy bar. Anyways, Chaz
sports boxers and Meat has a new pair of (pink! how fluffy) briefs. This is like a boxers
vs. briefs match. (Someone should run in with boxer briefs and say, 'Can't we all just
get along??'... B.C.)
Eventually, Marianna ends up shoving Runnels off the mat, which
distracts Meat. Chaz wins.
Testes backstage interviewed by Terry Taylor. Terry then yells,
'LOOK OUT!' and shoved Testes in the way of the oncoming Posse members, and even runs out
of camera range. Boy, fine feathered friend you are, Red Rooster. The Posse attacks Testes
but in the melee, it looked more like Pete Frog was getting most of the beating. Good. He
probably hit himself a couple of times too.
||Promo shot of Undertaker backstage, trying to shoot us the
evil.. white eyes. This, however, does not detract us from acknowledging the size of his
forehead. HEY, so that's what happened to Worff!! We thought his career was over! (Yeah,
he's playing dual roles now, I.M.Weasel and Undertaker... B.C.)
Sorry. Should I count how many times I apologize on this report?
Hardcore Holly comes out and addresses Big Show. He said, 'You
threw a car on me.. couldn't you do better?' I reckon he could have killed you. Then would
you be satisfied? Geez. Insatiable, these humans are. Then, seemingly out of nowhere,
Holly switches gears and challenges Kane. What's your beef with Kane? What'd he do to you?
Holly said, 'I have bigger fishes to burn..' (That's FRY, fishes to FRY, dummy.. B.C.)
I've burnt fishes before. I'm just not a very good cook.
It's still odd that Holly went from talking about Big Show to
Kane. We suppose he'll go through the WWF roster from largest to smallest. Eventually
he'll end up challenging Max Mini.
Kane answers Holly's challenge. We see Kane enter the top of the
ramp and probably said, 'Here I am, but give me about 10 minutes, I have to walk down the
ramp. The dramatics, you know how it is.' Kaney's got a revamping of his new outfit. He's
got some see-through mesh going on there. At least they're not fishnets. And whatever you
do, if you do wear fishnets, don't go outside and tan unless you want checkerboard tans.
This was a casualty suffered by many goths.
|The match commences and Show interferes by choke-slamming Kane.
Now, I thought Show was done with Kane. Oh, I see, Wight is perhaps jealous that Kane lost
weight and he didn't. Try Tai-Bo. Due to the interference, Holly wins the match but Kane
ends up chokeslamming Holly four times. Holly eventually rolls out of the ring and we see
that Kane must have slammed him so hard, he ended up with a pretty unfortunate bald spot.
Nah, he's always had that bald spot. I bet if Holly was to retrieve his email messages
from AOL, it would tell him, 'You've got MAIL... pattern baldness.'
Sorry, blame that one on Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
Anyways, Holly was so beyond defeated, I bet he decided he'll go
straight down to challenging Max Mini.
||Rock vs. HHH with Chyna. HHH and Chyna come out at the top of
the ramp and we see three Twister dots there. They should have just started playing
Twister. Actually the underlighting on Chyna makes her look a bit evil. Then again, it
looks like she's a few seconds away from Scotty beaming her up on board the Starship
Enterprise. There she will be with Worff.. I mean UT.
During this match, Butt runs in with a teeny club and hits Rock
with it. I guess we can dub him Billy Clubb now?
Godfather with the Hoes. We spot this HUMUNGOUS sign in the
audience. It doesn't even matter what it says, the fact is it was colossal! I think
it took about 15 body builders to heft that thing up. Eventually the sign tipped over. As
a result, 15 people were killed and 5 were injured (with massive paper cut traumas). Oh,
It was just horrible. Meanwhile everyone sitting BEHIND that sign waited for the sign
holders outside the arena and beat the crap out of them for making them miss the entire
show. So 15 more people were killed.
By the way, it looked like one of the Hoes was a man. I guess a
good hoe is hard to come by these days. If you have to start going into the other gender,
that's when trouble starts.
It's Godfather vs. Edge by the way. Edge is coming into the ring
via audience again. We're still waiting for someone to latch onto Edge and get piggy
backed with him. During this match, Prince Hairy and Droz come in. Prince Chia-Back tries
to press Godfather above his head and JR is really trying to build up the drama, 'Look at
the power.. look at the power..' but Prince Muff just couldn't lift him up and ('Oh...
forget it...') he just slammed him. I guess he exerted himself pretty hard though because
one side of his shirt was torn. If he held Godfather up any longer, his tights would
probably have been blown off him. Blech. (WWAAAAAHHH!!!! Then we would
have seen his stubbly butt!!! AAAAHH! ... B.C.)
Droz and Prince Rug get a hold of one of the hoes and try to
pierce her tongue but she is saved by Edge. However, we still can't get over the hairiness
of Prince Body Mane. (Did someone pour a whole bottle of Rogaine on him??.... B.C.)
(More like Miracle Grow... (Bostin's Bro) Frankie)
Billy Gunn enters. Again, we listen to his entrance music. He
wants to munch em?? Oh, he goes against Bradshaw. With the run-by from X-Pac, Butt loses
the match. Chyna then attacks X, then Dogg runs in to assist. We think that X and Dogg
should get the royalty from DX merchandise. Hell, they have kids!
Ivory comes out with Nicole Bass in tow. Now that Ivory is the
champion, she wants some competition. You tell them, girl. She makes a challenge to anyone
in Charlotte to challenge her. Ivory says, 'Come on, Charlotte...' Camera cuts to Nicole
looking like she's saying, 'My name is not Charlotte..' An Asian chick comes in. I don't
think her name is Charlotte either. Ivory and Bass end up beating on her and giving the
audience some gratuitous panty shots.
Cole is backstage, speaking to McMahon. After some words, Vinnie
says, 'Now excuse me, I got some business to do..' I guess he means he has to go to the
bathroom. Hell, if you gotta go, you gotta GO. It's good to go.
Jarrett with Debra vs. X-Pac. Little X is always the fighter.
When he gets knocked down, he just gets angry, does that fist shaking thing, and his face
grimaces. X was revving up and about ready to REALLY pounce on Jarrett and he ... he ...
he let Jarrett throw him against the turnbuckles. And to not break tradition, X let
Jarrett put him in a sleeperhold. X is such a nice boy. One day I would like to see one of
the wrestlers actually fall asleep when that move is applied.
This time Butt interferes and X loses. However, Dogg runs in,
probably barking, and saves little X. Then Chyna.. ah geez.. a sense of deja-vu.
Eventually the officials and refs run in and we see the same guy who gave HHH the hug
earlier in the show, perhaps running in screaming, 'AAAH! Give me someone to love!!'. Boy,
he's just yearning for some affection, isn't he??
|UT is walking backstage and I suppose he's flexing but to us,
he's showing us what a hep cat he is. He's probably saying, 'YO YO YO BEAR-RER!!'
||Then camera cuts to Austin walking backstage holding two glasses
of water. (Maybe he has his contacts in there... B.C.) That would be better than
him putting his teeth in there.
UT vs. Steve Austin. UT walks in and he has that cloud of smoke
behind him. Oh no, maybe he floated an air biscuit. As UT walks down the ramp, he actually
looks a little worried. 'I hope no one knows I floated an air biscuit..' Then UT does that
face cringe thing. 'OOOH, biscuits smells..'
When it's Austin's turn to go down the ramp, Stevie gave a look
like he KNEW who floated the air biscuit. 'AAAW, you dead bastard.. that was cruel. '
This match went on for a while. UT is porking out a bit so we can
call him the Underbelly now. UT's been dipping into Austin's supply of Little Debbie's.
Damn, I'm hungry.
|Stevie wins this title match but UT hits Stevie over the head
with the belt. Meanwhile, our intuitive eyes caught what may have been a razor blade in
the ring?? Actually, after further analysis, it looks like a bloody pack of Trident.