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By Chokee Slam
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raw340.jpg (23871 bytes) Flashback of Steve Austin winning the WWF title from UT last week. Steve covers UT, hooks the leg..... and there's UT's bony leg sticking up into the air like it's waiting for a stocking to be put on it. Also, I know he's supposed to be dead but hey, what about a little meat in them stems? Take some from his gut and transfer it down.


Stevie enters the ring to talk about Vinnie and the First Blood match he'll have with UT in the next PPV. Vinnie then comes out to challenge Stevie. If he wins that match, Vince will never interfere with Stone Cold again.

The audience starts chanting 'Asshole' and the camera cuts to one dude chanting through his rolled up sign. Yeah, that oughta work. Everyone in the arena will hear you now. raw341.jpg (12063 bytes)

After Vince says, 'If you accept this challenge, one way or another...', all I could think of as the follow-up was, 'I'm gonna find ya, I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha...' Sorry, me Blondie fan. But Vince continued, '...this will be the end of an era..'

By the end of Vinnie's lengthy speech, Stevie woke up and looked like he was going to say, 'So... you're saying... your.. master plan.... what was that again??' Don't worry Stevie, it's like a soap opera. If you miss a couple of episodes, you'll still follow along the storyline.

Backstage, Cole interviews Rock. Rock puts a shirt over Cole's head who I'm sure was making faces at Rock. The most obvious would be the 'shut-up-you-annoying-sweat-hog' look. You know the look, it's the one where one eye is squinting and your lips are curled to reveal only 2-3 teeth.

Rock says he is genetically electrifying. What with all that sweat, I'm surprised he hasn't electrocuted himself already.

Camera cuts to the steel cage suspended above the ring. JR says it's a 'solid steel cage'. (If it was solid steel, it'd be a block.... B.C.)

Hard Boys enter and they've got on their matching shirts with the variety of condiment colors. Blond Hard Boy is once again Mustard, Dark Hard Boy is Ketchup, and Hayes is Hot Sauce. How about some soy sauce? Hard Boys are to wrestle the Acolytes.

Backstage a medic tells Bradshaw that he didn't have clearance yet to wrestle. You haven't completed all your 50 Tai-Bo workout tapes. They never even got to doing the tummy tuck. Anyways, Bradshaw pops the dude and I bet Mr. Simmons said, in his deepest manly tone, 'Yeah!'

Bradshaw walks and there goes his arm flabs jiggling. He's going to need some support hose for that. The match commences and Lawler says, 'We'll see what kind of shape Bradshaw is in..' I'd say he's kinda blobby and jello shaped.

raw342.jpg (18478 bytes) Hey it's good to see that the Hardy Boys are keeping the Wet Spot alive. Though they're carrying it a little too far. That's one uncontrolled massive Wet Fart.
Bradshaw eventually gets hit by Hayes' cane, The Hard Boys become the tag team champs and Mr. Simmons is going to cry. He probably cried more when he saw that the Hard Boys were so ecstatic after their win, they got naked. Just the top half though. 'Whoo Hoo, we're naked!' they're screaming. They better run away from Dok though since I'm sure he really likes them naked. raw343.jpg (12176 bytes)

Backstage, Terry Taylor is interviewing the new champs and just when Ketchup Hardy is about to give the typical speech of how he always dreamed about this moment, the camera starts fizzing out and it cuts into a GTV segment.

Goober TV? Droz and Albert are dressing up in drag and Droz actually seems to enjoy it. He finds it kinda sexy. Sexy is never the word for it. Wearing itchy panty hose, high spaz-factor type spiked stiletto heels, constricting boobie holders and worrying about sucking in your gut is NOT sexy.

Gangrel vs. Godfather. Godfather gets in the ring and starts to dance with his two hoes. Just when they were getting ready to get down, I'm sure he cued, 'Okay, find the beat!' Alas, they didn't so Godfather walked away. Finding hoes who can actually dance would have cost a little more. Eventually he calls out Venis, who probably can't find the beat neither. Then the 2 new hoes, Droz and Prince Rug come out. We still can't seem to overlook the size of Droz' blowhole (belly button). He could probably put about fifty piercings in there. He could store meat in there (the wrestler, even). He wouldn't need his suitcase.

Anyways, Godfather got the easy win and Droz and his Hairy Mate start beating up on Venis. In true femme fashion, one of them took a swing with his purse. Gangrel then went over, took one of their shoes and started beating on Venis. I suppose since Gangrel is used to Luna slapping him around with the house slippers, he's a connisseur of footwear attacks. My, these men know how to use feminine products to their advantage. Edge and Christian eventually run in to pull Gangrel off the pile. They figured he'd already reached the limits of using a woman's shoe, who knows what would be next. Nail polish?

Backstage Stephanie is telling Testes to be careful. As Testes walks away, she totally checked out his ass. Or perhaps she was checking out his package, which was still visible on his sides, from the back view. Whoo, sorry.

raw343.jpg (12176 bytes) Testes vs. Joey Abs. If Mr. Ass was to join this match, they would just almost have a full body in the ring. (Or least just the lower half.... BC) During this match, Shane drags Stephanie out to make her watch Testes get beat up by the posse. We see Abs spazzing out as his hands are up like he's pretending to be in a nutshell. Help, I'm in a nutshell. Due to his spaz factor, I now am convinced that he is indeed part of the Posse.
After they were done with Testes, Steph runs to him, bends over, shows him her bra. Ah, she knows, that would make him feel much better. raw345.jpg (19011 bytes)

Chyna with HHH is outside complaining to two dudes wearing black t-shirts that says, 'POLICE' on them that her car was vandalized. (Now, Chyna, just cause you see a bunch of guys hanging around the parking lot, wearing T-shirts that say "Police", that doesn't mean they're law enforcement. They might just be music fans... Rhiannon). Chyna says she saw X-Pac and Road Dogg do it right in front of her eyes. We were waiting for the police to say to her, 'Uuuh, ma'am, do these people have real names?? Well.. can you describe what this Mr. Dogg looks like??' Oh sure, Octopus Head, pasty white legs, an X on his ass which means, 'Do Not Enter'.

raw346.jpg (11979 bytes) D'Lo vs. Al Snow in a hardcore match which gets taken throughout the whole arena. They were by escalators and the people start panicking. 'OH MY GOD, WRESTLERS!!' One kid even frantically tried running up the down side. Surprisingly he made it but I'm sure he was pretty damn close to a heart attack. Crazy kids.

Eventually Al strangles D'lo with a chain. (It sure looked like the scene from Return of the Jedi when Princess Leia was choking the life out of Jabba the Hutt... right down to the spittle dripping out of the mouth. All that was missing was for Al to be wearing the gold bikini... Poirier) (Oh my... BC)

Indeed, D'Lo let out one big wad of a goober. Mideon eventually interferes by shoving D'lo ever so lightly and Al wins via a leap from an elevated forklift onto D'lo and a table. Al flashes him the 'loser' gesture, then quickly points to the ref perhaps to say, 'YOU! I know you!' It's good to know people and to have them in your back pocket. raw346.jpg (11979 bytes)

Eventually the police question Sgt. Slaughter, the wrestler-hugging Garea and Finkel of the whereabouts of X-PAC and Mr. Dogg. They don't know but eventually Finkel actually finked on them. He tells them they're down the corridor, door on the left. The police, as police normally do, should have made sure, by asking, 'To the right??' To the left. 'Okay, to the right, you said..' To the left. 'Okay. You said the right.' Okay, it's to the right.

Dogg vs. Venis. JR recaps earlier in the program when Venis was 'mugged' by Droz and Back Rug. There's really nothing to mug though. Venis doesn't have any place to keep his items. He doesn't have enough hair to hide anything in there either. Sorry. All he has is that scraggly towel. During this match, the POLICE bring the handcuffed X out. You know he's innocent until proven guilty so there should have been a blur over X's face, you know. Just as soon as Dogg was handcuffed, then the blur should have appeared over his face also.

You guys just don't know good television.

As X and Dogg are being led away, we figure they're saying, 'HEY, what's this all about?? It wasn't about the doobage in my room, was it? No??!! Uh... never mind.'

At this point, JR says, 'Something smells kinda fishy..' and right at that moment, Debra comes out (with Jarrett of course). Lawler could have capitalized on that comment but maybe that is really pushing the limits.

raw347.jpg (17731 bytes) Jarrett vs. Chaz (with Marianna). Jarrett wins and as he holds up his title belt, it totally whacked Debra in the face. 'OOOW, JAEFF, yew almost took mah AH out!'
Jarrett then attacks Chaz with the guitar but HEY, Thrasher runs in to save them. Excellent! They do make a very good team. Chaz was so elated that his hair stood on end. It's like a chia-head. Cha-cha-cha chiaz. raw348.jpg (20758 bytes)

Edge is walking down a flight of steps to get to the ring. He's walking like an old biddy though.

JR is still on the car vandalism issue though. He says, 'I don't believe the credibility of the one eye witness..' Yeah, me neither. Considering the witness has only one eye. (Is that like the one armed man??... BC)

Edge vs. Boss Man. Bossy comes out twirling his night stick. I'm still waiting for that thing to go flinging into the bleachers and to see Bossy look up and say, 'Oh dip.' Boss Man loses the match after Edge gives him a pretty weak spear but Boss handcuffs Edge to the ring. Christian felt left out so he ran in to be handcuffed as well.

Backstage Cole interviews Chyna and HHH. They start getting into issues about the vandalism and HHH is screaming about why he needs to once again beat up on the Rock. Why are you guys asking Cole to even think? He just holds the mic, dudes.

Billy Butt with Chyna. There's Ass' music again. He likes to crack em?? Like eggs? If it's going to be cracked any further, there would be no back. Ass vs. Meat with PMS. JR says that Ass is going to abuse Meat. He'll tenderize him, I reckon. Meanwhile, we're sure that Chyna can take on all of PMS on her own. (Just with her breath.... B.C.) And her hairy eyeballs.

Butt won. Jac ends up yelling at Butt and she's like the size of Max Mini next to him. Her big boobs come up to his belly button. Anyways, Jac gets DDT'd by Chyna, Meat is DDT'd by Butt and they spraypaint 'DX' on their bodies. Aw, lookit choo, Chyna, you don't even know how to use the spraypaint. You call yourself a degenerate?

raw350.jpg (15414 bytes) Big Show footage on the Titantron. His footage looks like he's singing his own entrance theme. 'WEEEELLLL'.. it's the Big Shlong. Man, that is one scary keilbasa. Show enters the ring via leaping over the top rope ('ooooof'). It's Show and Hard Holly vs. Kane without X-Pac but UT eventually helps out his (yeah right) little brother.
Kane takes out Wight's leg, and before Wight goes down, he decides to do a wave. Score! Then the duo of Kane and UT start beating on Wight. My, with all that evil, they're like the unholiest of holies. (The bung hole??... BC) That is definitely the most dangerous holies of holies. raw351.jpg (16783 bytes)

JR calls UT the 'Evil Undertaker.' The Evil UT.. as opposed to the Mild UT. He comes in three flavors, you know. Mild, Medium and Help Me. UT hits Wight with the chair and Wight juices. As UT (damn, why is the 'U' so close to the 'I' key, I almost called him IT) walks away, we can see that UT has about 7 folds of flab from his crotch to his neck.

HHH vs. Rock. HHH was in the ring first, hanging out, checking the scenery. I don't see why Rock didn't just lock the door to the cage and then run away. JR explains the rules of the steel cage match. The first one over the top of the cage or through the door and lands outside the ring is the winner. Of course he neglected to say that even if they don't land in a flattering manner, it would still be alright.

Now that they're setting up the storylines to perhaps have 2 separate DX groups, we wonder who the new members would be of course. There is always the entertaining mic personality, Patterson. He could always scream, 'DUCK IT!'

During this match, Rock kicked HHH in the nuts and I think I heard HHH scream, 'OH! My triple nuts!'

Meanwhile Rock continues his spitting ways. Does he have a spitoon in every corner of his home? He probably carries a little portable one wherever he goes otherwise he'd have to use his luggage. Maybe that's why his clothes (as well as his body) is sopping wet everytime he goes to the ring.

Eventually they're both on the top of the cage and HHH gives Rock the eyepoke. Rock should have put his hand up to counter that move. Doesn't he watch the Three Stooges??

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So HHH somehow got into the ring while Rock was still on top of the cage. All by HHH's little lonesome, he managed to get his foot caught in the rope. Look atchoo! Eventually he let's himself loose and was probably thinking, 'Nobody saw that, right??'

Uh.. I don't think anyone won. Butt stuck his big ass into this match and it was the end of the show.

Bye now.

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