By Chokee Slam

Louisville, KY

I certainly hope there's enough KY for everyone.

Yes yes, I know. Juvenile.

Signage: Undertaker Meet Your Maker, LEAN MEAN 3:16. LEAN??! Who are you trying to fool. It's all JELLY, as in jelly roll. But in comparison to the UT, Stevie is mighty lean but in a sizzlean way though. It's still a pint of grease as opposed to a gallon.

Stevie says that he had his attorneys 'jaw' up a contract which says that if Stevie wins his First Blood match, Vinnie will be gone and out of his hair. I mean, out of his empty follicles, I guess. Vinnie then comes out in a wheelchair since we all know by now that Vinnie was in a motorcycle accident recently. I wonder if he was actually riding the motorcycle or just sitting on it. Hell, my father actually broke his leg when the motorcycle he was on delicately (but of course, devastatingly and embarassingly) tipped over while he was waiting for a red signal to change.

Yes, this is my family, this is what I have been condemned to. There's more understanding to Mad Phat now, isn't there.

Stevie eggs the audience on, 'If you think that son of a bitch looks pathetic, give me a hell yeah.' We figure Stevie should then say, 'And if you say hell yeah whenever I tell you to, you're pathetic. Oh, and give me another hell yeah,' to which I'm sure the audience would still holler, 'Hell Yeah.' Hey, wrestling is fun. (If you're all sheep, give me a BAAAAAAAAH.... BC)

Stevie tells Vinnie to 'put your stupid l'il name' on the contract so that they can have the match. Perhaps Vinnie signed it, 'Your Stupid L. Name Sr.' Stevie then Porky Pigged again and said, 'Wipe that stupid little look off sis face... your little face..'

Vinnie's reply? 'This sis face??' Hey, some audience member in the background is sniffing his armpit. The last time I did that, I actually got a reaction from the normally stone-faced Sabu at a recent ECW outing. I wonder if that dude got any compensation. He probably just passed out and only wished that he was Sure.

Kane's music cues up but we don't see Kane. Well, it's not really supposed to be his cue yet and he's probably in the bathroom, doing what any Big Red Machine needs to doo. His red tights and red panties are probably down to his ankles as he reads BBQ magazine and listening to 'Fire Starter' by Prodigy. Is that the name of the song? I hate those songs that don't have the title anywhere in its lyrics.

UT attacks Steve. Eventually the unnecessary UT Butt Cam gets a run-in close shot of, what else, the bUTt and whoo boy, can we say 'lumpy lumpy lumpy'? Are there enough love handles there? Eventually Stevie gets cut open, UT takes the fountain pen, brings it to Steve's bleeding forehead and is supposed to be drawing Steve blood into the pen. UT probably just wrote things on his forehead like 'Little Debbie-aholic' or 'SIMP'.

Vinnie signs the contract with Steve's blood. BUT, more important was the fact that Vinnie couldn't wheel himself up the ramp. (You'd think Vince could afford a wheelchair with a better motor.. Rhiannon). UT even walked off without helping him. Actually UT did something for Vinnie, which was turn back and look at him. He may not have even looked at him in a nice way. Thanks UT. He feeds you so well and that's how you treat him? Well, Shane runs in to assist his embarassed dad, who by this time, was trying to push himself using one foot. If Shane came out any later, I'm sure Vinnie, being the fighter that he is, would have already been on the floor, rolling himself up the ramp.

Edge vs. Gangrel. On Heat the night before, they allowed Edge to use the mic. I can't recall much of what he said but it was in the lines of, 'Beware.. take care...' Okay, I play along. Grow some hair, use some Nair... (..down there.... C. Cooley) (NO! You can't use Nair down there!!...BC)

Insert of a photo still of an upcoming match. Testes vs. The Posse members. Damn, someone better tell Shane that there's a frog growing out of his shoulder.

Okay, the match. The action gets taken outside the ring. Well actually, Gangrel is just walking away from Edge who is baring all his 1300 teeth, perhaps wanting to take a good chomp of the big vampiric marshmallow. Thanks to a very helpful audience member, Edge is being told where Gangrel is walking to.  Thanks pointer person. I'm sure Edge was totally unaware. You know, Gangrel is so stealthy, so small and unobtrusive.

Excuse me a second.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA WAAAHAHAHAHAHHA. HEEEEE.. small... hyuk... unobtrusive. Siiiigh..

Okay. Gangrel, he's stealthy like the wind.... the wind between his buttocks.

Signage: I'M A ASSMAN. You really wanted to write, 'I'M A ILLITERATE'. Good grief. The educational system and society; can't they all just get along?

During this match, Gangrel struggled to get up onto the top rope in pre-moonsault fashion and ALL by his stealthy and small lonesome, he slipped and ended up straddling the top rope. Ah geez, Gangrel doesn't need any enemies when he's got himself, Count JackMyselfUp-ula. What a trooper, though, as he tries yet again. Edge dropkicks Gangrel and he ends up straddling the top rope again but at least this time it was supposed to be.

For some odd masochistic reason, the camera dude gets this horrible CLOSE frontal face shot of Gangrel moaning. I think the camera dude's hair must have frizzle-fried at this point, his camera melted and the lens popped off, there was a rumble, lightning, people were screaming and clamoring to exit the arena. Alright alright... still, Gangrel looks like he doesn't have his two front teeth. Okay, camera dude, PULL BACK before innocent lives are taken.

Eventually Gangrel and Edge are at the top of the ramp and Edge is pushed into the ring of fire that the Brood normally emerges from. HEY, Edge fell into a burning ring of fire... he went down down down and the flames went higher. And it burns burns burns.. the ring of fire... the ring of fire. Johnny Cash was the dude. (Johnny Cash is dead??? ...BC) (Is he???.... CS) At least he was A dude. Just remember though that the ultimate 'burning ring of fire' experience is suffered after digestion of buffalo wings with Sriracha HOT chili sauce.

Backstage, X-Pac and Road Dogg are getting Finkel back for snitching on them last week. X pours a bucket of .. looks like mole asses on Finkel. Okay.. molasses. A little play on words, okay? As they pour feathers over him, Road Dogg completely SLIPPED and exclaimed, 'WHOA!' In the best save ANYONE could possibly make after a clumsy fumble, Dogg got up, pointed to the slippery spot and screamed, 'WATCH OUT! IT'S SLIPPERY OVER HERE!!'

God, that is about as classic as Goldberg falling backwards in the ring. Gotta give the thumbs up to Road Dogg though for showing his quick wit in a situation like that. This seems to elevate him way up in Mad Phat's list of likeable people. I believe we re-watched that segment about 10 times thereafter.

X and Dogg enter the ring. Dogg is still smiling like, 'Hyuk, I fell back there...'  Hell, it's common practice for us to STILL be laughing about bloopers that happened three years prior.

X-Pac grabs the mic and we grab our phallic ice pops. X screams, 'Let's raise some hell and make a little noise.' The audience then whoops it up. HEY, he said a LITTLE noise, you guys wanna calm down? What do you think this is? A wrestling event or something?

Dogg takes the mic and they should have shown the replay of his blooper but this is why we're not at the helm. He talks about he and X-Pac 'bleeding neon green.' That sounds like a horrible condition really. I mean, Predator blood? (Like the Gatorade commercial?? ... BC) I suggest you guys see a doctor and get rid of it.

Kane comes out. X asks him, 'So what's the deal man? What is it man?' X really meant to say, 'What is it boy?? What's going on boy?? Jimmy is in the well??' Kane looks sad because X doesn't want to have anything to do with Kane if he's associating with the GUT. After all, UT would be a bad influence to the recently slimmed down Kane. If he starts hanging out with UT more often, it would mean more evil midnight snacking sessions.

HHH, Chyna and Billy Butt run in to attack. UT runs in to help Kane and then speaks to him... as well as to the entire audience because UT had a mic that was probably hidden in his facial hair-pie.  (I distinctly heard him say, 'My badger is miked'... BC) UT says he wouldn't make Kane choose.

Camera spots some chick in the audience. HEY! It's Lady Diana! I thought she was dead. Ah, I know.. it's not.. but her hairstyle lives on in the hearts (and heads) of the unknowing.

Actually, when I was young and unknowing, my mom took me to a salon and I would go through the magazines to find a hairstyle. I'd show them a picture of .. say.. one of Charlie's Angels and come out of the salon with a Princess Di haircut. Next time, I'd show a picture of .. Blondie.. and I'd still leave the place with a Princess Di haircut. This only means that hair stylists are evil people and are looking to rule over the world via hair-style anarchy.

OH! Speaking of hair, it looks like Val Venis joined Hairclub for Men!  The hairline is coming down pretty low and swallowing up his forehead. Don't go ballistic, dude, you don't want Usher-itis. Usher's barely got a forehead. Don't let it connect to your eyebrows either or you'll be like that wolf boy from Land of the Lost. (You mean Chaka??? ...BC) No, I'm talking about the son with the one continuous eyebrow. How simian was he?

Anyways, perhaps he used Propecia? (That sounds like a bad condition... BC) Hey, remember, women who are or MAY eventually or is even THINKING about becoming pregnant must not handle broken tablets otherwise they stand the risk of specific type of birth defects. The name 'propecia' sounds like a name for a birth defect itself. There are certain words that sound like good names for birth defects... like 'hippopotamus'.

Now Venis can be a Hair Club for Men baldspokesperson. (Hey, he's not just a client, he's their wrestler... BC)

Godfather comes in with his stack of jacked up looking hoes. The one in the red spazzed out in those ridiculous shoes. Come on, you may as well have them wearing stilts. After that traumatic spaz, she was afraid to even stand.

Oh, Godfather and Venis vs. The Hard Boys. We shall continue to provide updates on the various condiment colored shirts of the Hard Boys. Dark Hard Boy is wearing an off-white shirt which makes him Mayonaisse. Dok is Blueberry. (Fair Hard Boy is Reynold's Wrap!! ...BC) Hey, it's important to have something to wrap your condiment sandwiches in.

Hey, the Hard Boys know how to take advantage of situations in a match. Mayonaisse pulled on Venis' weave and sent him and his hair to the mat. Good grief. Hard Boys win by DQ. Then they stand by the ramp, taunting their opponents. Mayonaisse is mouthing something like, 'We are trash tag team..' while Dok's hair was mysteriously set aflame. Okay, it's just his hairstyle but can we say FTD head?

The Acolytes run in and eventually EVERYONE is pouncing on each other except for Dok, who went to the back to douse his head. Seriously (should I be?), the Hard Boys are very good wrestlers. They had a pretty darn great match with two other great mat technicians, Taka Michinoku and Funaki. Bodies flew everywhere, overhead, sideways, backwards. Oh, it was a great mess.

Jarrett and Debra enter. Jarrett yabbers and Debra is uninterested. Austin comes running in, with his head bandaged up like Gunga Din.  I'm sure that knocked Jarrett out of the ring and perked up Debra's interests. Actually, Stevie just wanted to clear the ring to challenge UT. He says, ' I want a piece of your ass!' Just a piece? Then you're going to need a back-hoe to carry it around. It's got to weigh close to a ton.

Sorry.

Big Show comes out to tell Austin that UT has acquired the services of Kane so it would inevitably become a handicap match. Austin was probably offended by that comment, 'Who you calling a handicap?' The match is set for Show and Austin vs. UT and Kane. Damn, all these names are taking up so much space. Let's do it this way. Shawstin vs. KUT.

That's better.

Jarrett manages to get back into the ring as Austin is walking up the ramp but before Jarrett can finish talking, Austin ran back to the ring, still screaming, 'GUNGA DIN!! BRING WATER!!' and stunners Jarrett. Jarrett then looked like an erection  Come on, there are kids present. Then Austin decides he'll try to look like an erection also but it falls short. Is that why your wife left you? Sorry. Of course we don't know the full story of who left who.

Dogg and X-Pac vs. HHH, Chyna and Butt. Butt stood on the turnbuckle and was seemingly about to horff. Did someone in the audience put a mirror up to you? OH! Hey, what's up with the Peaches and Herb beads in your hair? Trying to keep your fly-away hair anchored, I reckon.

Anyways, Kane doesn't show up to assist the DX Duo so HHH says, 'I'll cut you a little deal..' or are you just going to cut one? He wants the rights to DX and of course X has two words for him. I won't say those words because I want everyone to be in suspense.

I ain't telling.

I bet you don't know what those two words are.

Actually, Rock becomes the DX duo's third partner. Rock??? In this match, Chyna crotches Rock and we can hear his high pitched squeal all the way in New York, 'OH! My pebbles!!' Then onward we go, Rock gives HHH the Samoan Drop. Yo, isn't Rock half Samoan?? Then it really should be The Half Samoan Drop.

Alright.

Dogg is about to close the match by giving Butt the Pump Handle Slam.  He pumped alright. It would have been most foul if liquid came out of Butt. Then X does the rated NC-17 version of the bronco move on Butt.  There was definitely rubbing going on. All I have to say is that they all have to be really good friends to molest each other the way they do. Ah well, you know, being on the road, not seeing your wives. You gotta take what you can get.. or use a hole in the wall.

Backstage, Terry Rooster interviews Droz and Prince Propecia Overdose. HEY! HELLO!! GOOD MORNING!! Look at who is pointing the way. (I was afraid that thing was gonna rip right through that dress like Alien... Rhiannon).

Droz wants to have an evening gown match but first, he has to wax his bikini line. If anyone needs to wax, it's Prince Body Plugs for Men.

Backstage footage again. UT is speaking to Kane and HEY, who lopped off Kane's head?  Give him back his head.

Droz vs. Al Snow in an evening gown match. Droz pulls out hardcore paraphernalia from under the ring and whoopsie, slips and lands on his butt. It's been a very slippery evening. He could have gotten up, pointed to the slippery area and screamed, 'WATCH OUT! IT'S REALLY SLIPPERY THERE!' but Road Dogg can practically have the trademark on that now. Meanwhile Al's dress is stuck to the steel steps. Don't you guys know how to handle your gowns? I bet if you went to the bathroom, you'd end up tucking part of the dress into your underwear.

OOH, Al gives Droz one of my favorite moves. The NORK Torque!   JR calls it the 'dreaded Breast Lock'.

Al wins this match and then Prince Sasquatch hammers a railroad spike into Head's head.

Earlier tonight, Henry is told by some quack doctor (hey, if he's not the WWF's traveling French doctor, he's a quack) that he has high blood pressure and he shouldn't wrestle.

D'lo and Henry are walking backstage and pass by Hard Holly who is .. throwing punches to the air. Holly probably thought, 'Hey I'll challenge Henry.. he's got high blood pressure.. I'll throw him some deep fried mayonaisse and that'll be it..'

Acolytes come out. Mr. Simmons speaks. Our ears hurt. Holly challenges them and tries to beat them up on his own. He's kinda like those little kids who pick fights with the bigger dudes in school. Of course they eventually beat themselves up by fighting girlie style (you know, arms flailing and fists flying erratically) or the bigger dudes would just get tired of pounding the little guy into a pulp.

By the way Holly is going, I think Max Mini can beat him silly. Big Show comes in to help Holly and carries him off as well. Big Show Tarzan, Holly Jane. Where is this storyline going?

GTV segment. Stephanie tells Joey Abs that she went out with him only for her brother. Mm..

Steve Blackman promo again? WWF is really trying to give this guy a push. (Just shove him already.... BC) Shove him out of the arena since he's not WWF personnel. Sorry. Anyways, the music for the promo sounds like Bow Wow Wow's I Want Candy. Or Adam Ant's 'Goody Two Shoes.' They should be aptly renamed I Want Gimmick and Stinky Zero Gimmick.

Backstage footage of Austin. He's got a black band over his white Gunga Din head gear now. What about Gumby wrap?? Perhaps try some Hard Boys aluminum wrap so that your head can evenly cook. (I'd like to see more wrestlers wearing Reynold's wrap..... Gumby BC)

(I'd like to see X-Pac wearing some dental floss..... Gumby CS)

Testes vs. each Posse Member. Pete Frog hops in first.. easy win. Then Fried Hair Rodney.. easy win. JR says that they 'aren't trained wrestlers but they are street fighters.' That of course means that they just play the video game Street Fighter. They've got some pretty strong thumbs then, I reckon.

Next is Joey Abs who grabbed Testes and was about to smooch him. Abs then resorted to beating on Testes, which of course was sending him mixed signals. Men.. first they kiss you, then they beat you. OH!

Eventually Shane runs in but not in a good way, mind you. There's a certain etiquette to running and Shane's method of taking baby steps with hands in a Mr. Furley 'these hands are lethal weapons' type position is certainly not a good way to do it. Shane attacks Testes and then Blackman comes in. Uh... SECURITY! That guy isn't supposed to be in the ring! Ah, Kenny comes to the rescue.

Posse works Testes over. They're just all jealous of his package. Refs start running in and eventually Stephanie comes in and Shane elbows her in the head, right out of her ugly shoes! Shane is ridden with guilt and carries her off. At this point, the camera is way too close to the action and gets shots of her toe popping in and out of camera range.

There's her one big toe. Maybe she should change her character to 'The Big Toe' and be the Big Show's valet?

Ah, the whole foot does a cameo appearance. It popped up on the left side of the screen, then passed over and out towards the right. It waved, 'HIIII'. HEY, no visible corns, callouses nor bunions that looks like an elbow!

There it goes again. Hello! Thankfully she doesn't have big claw-like talons.

Cut to commercial and we get a replay of 'Moments Ago..' Yes, moments ago, a really BIG TOE appeared mysteriously on the screen. No one knows whose it was or where it came from. It eclipsed the arena for a brief moment but.. all is well now. The Toe has gone back .. perhaps into a very large shoe.

Backstage, a Kenny attacks Blackman. 'They're getting it on,' JR says. Whoo, I'll say. Then a hoard of unknown wrestlers and officials try to separate them. (I recognize one of them but I'm not saying...BC) There's the Serial Hugger, Tony Garea. He's just hovering around them probably screaming, 'SOMEBODY HUG ME, PLEEEASE!!'

Backstage, Cole speaks to UT and Kane. UT is speaking faster these days. Instead of 10 minutes to say a line, it's a good 9 minutes! In mid-speak, UT looked at Kane as if he said something horribly profound. We think Kane just hiccupped or belched. UT shows Stevie what he'll do to him as he punches the locker ... and doesn't even put a dent in it. Oh, that oughta scare him reeeeal good.

KUT vs. Big Shawstin. As UT walks towards the ring, some dude in the audience had his hand up looking for a high five. He probably would have just settled for a low two.  Hell, a negative one. Slappa my hand, dead soul man!

Denied.

The Titantron says, 'Entrance Video Information..' HEY tech crew! WAKE UP!

Kaney comes out but since it's mighty dark in the arena, it looks like he's brandishing a mammoth turkey leg.

JR says it's a club. Still, at another glance, it looks like a Giant Q-Tip for the likes of Big Show's ear of course.

UT's in the ring and just to kill some time,  he shows Kane his constipated Stevie Wonder impression.

Wight comes in and the evil dudes attack him. Then Stevie runs in again, 'GUNGA DIIIIN!!!' and we have a melee.

One point, Stevie fell backwards and ROLLED over UT.  First it looked like Stevie was going to land his ass on UT's head so maybe that's why he settled for just rolling on him. Ostensibly, they both lost all dignity at that point.

Thanks to the replay footage of Wight giving Kane a looksee up his nosee we are able to ..... laugh really hard.

Eventually Kane chokeslams Stevie right out of his Gunga Din wear. Stevie juices (tomatoe juice), Stevie stuns Kane, Stevie wins the match. UT walks away and  sticks his tongue out. Someone should have run up to him and stuck a depressor down his throat.

Oh well. We can't have everything, right? Most of us start off with nothing and still have most of it left. Heh. Good deal!