By Chokee Slam

Lexington, KY

Again with the KY.

We get a flashback of the Vinnie/ Austin saga in which Stevie is flipping his signature two birds to Vinnie. There's a censoring blur over the fingers but it makes it look like Austin's hand is cut off at the wrist. It also looks like his two middle fingers connected and created a minor spark.

Vinnie's counter attack? He tries to connect his eyeballs together to create a spark as well. Ah, fret not Beady Eye Man, the sparks will occur. Just have an adequate supply of KY, a heavy libido and perhaps some pudding (preferably chocolate).

The Mini-Corp enter. HHH is wheeling Vinnie down the ramp oh so slowly which of course leaves us wondering why he doesn't let Vinnie take the express route and just let go. He'll get down there much faster so he can have more time to yap.

Vinnie sits in the middle of the ring (on his wheelchair.. not just SAT there) and if anyone notices, Boss Man, seems to be VERY happy to be in such close proximity to Vinnie. Hell, smelling all that money will make anyone's nightstick point to 12 o'clock.

Vinnie says that if Steve shows up, everyone can use their camera and take a picture of him. I figure that's what people do when they have cameras anyways, but, go on, Vince. Ah, it's because he believes that this will be the last time Steve will have an appearance on Raw.

OH say not SO! You know, we're really worried. We can't fathom the idea of Stevie NOT being on prime time ever again. Will you stick him in Super Astros or something? Heaven forbid, Stevie doesn't do top rop maneuvers. He's definitely a bottom rope type of dude. Actually a mat hugger type of dude. It's the jelly roll that keeps him anchored. Just kidding.

Anyways, Vinnie says it's not himself putting his career on the line, it's UT putting his career on the line. UT takes the mic, says, 'You need to back up here...' Why, was Vince's wheelchair on your toe? (I don't think there's a 'reverse' on his wheelchair... BC)

Of course UT doesn't like to feel threatened. Suddenly, judging from UT's expression, his olfactory senses were threatened.  Someone must have farted in the ring. In all likelihood, first suspicions go to Mideon. (Aw, you P.I.G..... BC)

UT then leans into Vinnie for a face to face confrontation (practically nose to nose) and perhaps bellowed, 'IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT!!! YOU FARTED!!!' No no, he didn't say that but UT was so close to Vinnie that I'm sure UT's voice echoed in that chasm which is Vinnie's cleft.

HHH protects Vinnie however and wants the shot at Austin on the PPV. By this point, we see that Boss Man is very excited with how the storyline is turning out because he's holding and shaking his stick. You wanna put that away BB? Don't want you poking anyone's eye out.

So.. to determine who will wrestle Austin at the PPV, there will be a match between HHH and UT on this Raw. Cue in Stevie and the blood mobile. Yes, Steve has comandeered yet another vehicle. We always believed that Stevie could drive just about anything. Hell, he drove his wife away.

Oops. Vinnie is also shocked by my comment. See?  That is his Buckwheat impression.

Backstage footage of HHH, Shane and Vinnie in a room. HHH promises that he will look after Vinnie. He says, 'You take care of me and I'll take care of you.' JR's voice-over asks, 'What does that mean?' Mm.. correct me if I'm wrong. I'm not positively sure but it might mean that if Vinnie takes care of HHH, then HHH will take care of Vince. I had to read between the lines but I think that's definitely, positively, ostensibly what he might mean.

Your welcome, I'm glad to be of service.

Dogg vs. Chyna in a dog collar match. Dogg does his speech. These days, he alters the speech but for some reason, the audience STILL attempts to repeat after him. You all better call your psychic friend's hotline to find out what he'll say next. Sadly enough, people still can't even follow along with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages.' They just look like muppets with their mouths opening and closing.

I got two words for you all. GIVE UP.

Anyways, Billy Butt runs in to this match to ... have an intense conversation with Dogg and Chyna about Nietzsche and the release of repressed passion over some crumpets and Black English Tea... but couldn't for the life of him begin to talk about anything else besides himself. SO to cover up for his mental shortcomings, he just beats up on Dogg. By the way, Butt looked more like he came flying in, on the wings of a maxi.

X-Pac makes the save and I'm sure he just told Dogg, 'How many times do I have to tell you NOT to have the collar on before the match even starts. It's like having your own customized noose for your hanging, you dolt.'

Shane McMahon with the Posse enter the ring. The camera is on Shane but a mysterious frog traversed past the screen. Alright, it was just Pete Frog. Ribbit. Shane calls Stephanie out to apologize to her.

Backstage Testes is telling Stephanie not to go out there by herself. Aw, that's really sweet. (Didn't he say, 'Don't go OOT there' ??...BC) She insists however, that she will be fine. Testes gives it a last chance, 'Don't go.' He really meant to say, 'Don't go out there wearing those SHOES!! It'll mean the destruction of innocent lives!!'

Yes, that was immature and overly fashion conscious.

Shane tells Stephanie that it's all Testes' fault and 'Test(es) has been screwing everything up..' Nah, he's just screwing. Stephanie and the pretty boys in the locker room should know.

Oh dip. Sorry.

Joey Abs tries to shmooze with Stephanie saying that they had a great time together when they were dating. Of course Steph says they had only one date and it was a nightmare. She also looks to Abs like, 'What the FRAG is that on your face! You better go see a dermatologist. Hell, I think it's pulsing..' Of course it could also be the 'booger flying in and out the nose' dilemma as well.

Abs tells Steph, 'Ah am willing to take you back..' AH am?!! Yes, he's definitely from Greenwich. Greenwich, Texas perhaps. Anyways she slaps him and vamooses. Good, you go girl.

Venis and Godfather. JR says Godfather is from the Red Light District. Geez, I can't imagine any cars reaching their destinations in that district.

Meanwhile, cut to footage of the Jesse Ventura press conference. Jesse says there should be law and order and 'I rule here', as he points to the spot that he's standing on. Hey, if you rule just THAT tiny spot, I wouldn't gloat. Anyways, he says, 'The Body rules. It's my rules or the highway..' Oh for crying out loud, it's supposed to be 'it's MY way or the HIGHway...'

Geez. Governors.

The camera cuts back to the ring and DAMN, there's a hoard of wrestlers in the ring. They've multiplied. They're like roaches! Actually, it's a 4-way tag match with Hard Boys vs Acolytes vs Droz and his Rug vs Venis and Godfather.

Whoa, signage: Jericho WWF Bound.  WHOA! Late breaking news, everyone! I do mean LATE! Hey, I don't know but this guy could be onto something! He must be a very respected reporter for many newsboards, huh? By the way, respected reporter and newsboards? Oxymoron, aye?

Oh, the Hard Boys won. They're a HARD team to beat. Sorry.

GTV segment with the cast from Mystery Men. They should have changed this segment to 'Shameless Plug for Mystery Men'. (Then it would be SPMM-TV... BC)

Jarrett and Debra enter the ring. Debra is doing her Marilyn Manson impression again.  Damn, it could just be the specific lacquering of make-up she puts on for the cameras but HELL, I've said it before and I'll say it again. BABY JANE. Meanwhile the referee behind her looks a little shell shocked. (He's going to chant, 'I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do I do...BC) Usually when people stand that still, they're plotting the destruction of the world.

Oh, it's Jarrett vs. Christian. Christian has this weird way of walking down the ramp. He does this faster version of a 50's type of line dancing. He walks down the ramp, facing the left side of the audience, then he keeps walking and then faces the right side of the audience. I guess it's better than skipping down the ramp while holding Gangrel's hand or something. Just his hand, though, it wouldn't be attached to the rest of his body.

Jarrett wins this match, the lights go out and he gets a blood bath. The blood bath gimmick is wearing thin. (They should try for a snot bath!.... BC) Yeh sure, about 5 people with really nasty colds can run in and blow their secretions on the unsuspecting victim via the 'one finger pressed against one nostril' method.

As Jarrett is drenched in Kool-Aid (aw come on, we all know you poured it on yourself), Edge walks in, ACTING confused. 'Say, did anyone see this Big Bucket O'Blood, it seems to be missing.. uh.. oooh, good look for you, Carrie.' Jarrett of course, beats up on Edge.

Now that Jarrett's skin is the same shade of lobster as Hollywood Hogan , he decides to go hide backstage.

Edge and Christian look to each other. Edge is perplexed while Christian looks at Edge like, 'By the way, have I ever told you you've got a lovely chin extension? My, you've also got lovely teeth. Hell, you've got TEETH. You're all teeth! Don't eat me, okay?'

Backstage, Jarrett had passed by Red Taylor Rooster, who was just standing there holding the mic. Jarrett yabbers and I'm sure Rooster recalled that part of his hair was the color of Jarrett some years ago. Wow, Red Rooster was a horrible character. I swear, I think he used to get in the ring, jut his ass out and cluck.

Rock gets in the ring. He is handed a mic but he looked at it as if he'd never seen anything like it before.  'What is this thing? A giant Q-tip? A new spitoon? Mm.. spongy on the tip. Maybe it can help my spitting problem. I can just stick it in my mouth and it'll soak up all the saliva. And it says 'Raw is War'. Raw? Oh look, my manicure is wearing off..'

Sorry..

Rock calls out the Butt. He says he will take a thermometer and shove it up Butt's candy ass. This unhealthy obsession with sticking thing into people's butts really should be put to an end. Psychologically speaking, you may be substituting inanimate objects for your own penis.

Anyways... Butt managed to get the pin on Rock by lifting his leg up and tugging on the panty. This enabled us to see a dark spot in the buttage area. That's pretty foul, you know. Did he not wipe completely???

Backstage, Austin is pacing and seems to be nurturing his wrist.   Damn, that carpal tunnel syndrome. Hey, can someone get carpal tunnel from masturbating as well? Look his mouse finger is also bandaged up. Or that is his hey-nanny-nanny rubbing finger.

SORRY! Oh, perversion is the root of all evil.

Al Snow comes out on the ramp. Yo dude, your knee pad is around your ankle. Do you wear your sock on your winky? Your panty on your head? Ah, forget it. Al is feeling mighty disturbed since Prince Body Rug pierced Head. Poor guy.

Al vs. Boss Man. HEY, they gave Boss Man his old music back. Good, Night Ranger shouldn't have FULL control of the music in the WWF. Al yells at Bossy to hit him, 'HIT ME!! HIT ME!!! COME ON! HIT ME!!!!' Boss Man hit him. Al probably couldn't believe that Boss hit him. Boss then handcuffs Al to the rope.

Al, being the extreme over-actor, screams at the ref.  Al drools thereafter but pictures of that act cannot be shown due to intense and grotesque content.

Instead, we shall provide you with a picture of something completely different. 'I'd like to see less drool coming out of wrestlers mouths...'

Anyways, Bostin is okay with anything that Al does though. If he had chronic diarrhea (coming out of his mouth even), I'm sure she'd still think he's cute. I understand.

Backstage, UT is sitting in the dark. He's been bad and sent to the closet. (They should have given him a dunce cap too.... BC)

Meanwhile Vinnie is seriously looking to his watch. I mean, his facial expression is serious and intense. It must be a serious 9 o'clock or something. Oh my goodness, good mother of God, Holy Name of Jesus, it's .. TIME.

Edge comes in from the audience sections while JR is wondering why Vinnie was alone in the room. He figures that HHH was in the bathroom brushing his nice hair. Hell no, he was most likely curling it.

Edge's partner is to be D'lo. Edge is kneeling in the ring and watches D'lo walk by him. 'Hi, D'lo! I got this game of jacks set up here, let's play!' No way dude, it's marbles.. or the highway.

Hyuk.

They go against Mideon and Gangrel. The camera is constantly taking close-up shots of Gangrel. We, again, are unable to display the images here for fear of the unnecessary deaths of those who set their eyes on it. Anyways, after the Gangrel close-up, Jerry asked, 'Does Gangrel have his tongue pierced??' HEY JERRY, are you new???

During this match, Mideon somehow ran backwards into Gangrel in the corner turnbuckle. I don't know what went on between the two but Gangrel gave Mideon a FULL ON GRAB of buttage. Hey, we're telling Luna!

Edge and D'lo won.

Testes vs.... hey, a new wrestler! Just kidding, it's Blackman, who always carries a duffel bag with him to the ring. The ring is an inappropiate place to bring your laundry (unless you're wrestling against those with washing machine shaped bodies, i.e Dan Severn, Dr. Death..). Eventually the Posse runs in to beat up on Testes. At least that is their intent but they always just manage to hit each other. Joey Abs always gets a really good shot on the Frizz-Ease Challenged Rodney. (Who's Rodney?? The Frog??? ...BC) Kenny runs in to save though. How nice.

Blackman, who is outside to ring, stares intently at Kenny, who is in the ring. Blackman is a smart man for he knows when it's a good distance for things like intense stares or brandishing his little mini-scythe. He also looks like he's going to harvest some wheat. (Dwarf wheat... BC). That's like Death's weapon for smaller souls or something.

Back to UT backstage. He's managed to get himself stuck in the cubby by now. See how dangerous and inconvenient boredom can be sometimes?  Someone better get him some KY! Actually, if he gets really desperate, he'll start screaming, 'Someone get me some butter! I'm hungry!' Actually, like some animals, UT might start gnawing on himself to free himself from this predicament.

Big Show is in the ring. Then his tag partner, Holly, walks in and gave Wight a delicate little wave along with a pursed lip and a twinkle in his eye. This could be true love. Gee, he may as well just put a sign on his forehead that says, 'Beat me up.' They go against couple number two; Kane and X.

X gets in the ring first and performs this odd wrestler ritual. He grabs his nads and lifts one leg up. Perhaps it's a new monkey mating ritual that he just wanted to try out? Sorry. Kane gets in the ring, ready for action but X yells at him to go away. Aw, Kane is totally dejected. Chokee and Bostin = marks for this storyline. Kane sticks around though and wages battle against Wight outside of the ring as X handles Holly on the inside.

Eventually Holly, Wight and Kane are outside the ring, leaving X alone in the ring for UT to chokeslam him. UT put his claws around X's neck making his tongue stick out (THANK YOU!) and X probably screamed, 'EEEEEEE, your hands are FREEEZING!'

X is sort of like those stress toys where if you squeeze it, the ears, eyes and tongue pop out. Hey, new marketing idea! The X-Pac stress toy! It should be inflatable.

OH dip. Sorry.

UT then turns his attentions to help Kane. Meanwhile, ALERT!! PRONE WRESTLER IN THE RING!!! Opportunities must be taken, of course. Leap and cling. Pounce and mount. Ride and hog-call. (RALLY!!! ...BC)

Sorry.

UT is using the steel steps on Wight and Holly and JR yells, 'STOP THAT!' You tell them, JR!! Take their hands and slap them also.

UT and Kane start walking away but Kane turns back and goes to the fallen X. UT turns around, 'Honey? Honey? Where are you going?? Why are you going back to that little squirt? I told you I don't like threesomes. I don't like little guys, I like big red dudes with one exposed nipple under a mesh shirt..'

Kane leans over X to find out if he's alright. 'Are you okay?? I go get a band-aid. You want me to call 911? I go and get the French doctor. He's French you know.' X is probably moaning, 'Damn, his hands were cold..'

UT tries to pull Kane away, telling him it's over but just when they were about to leave, the replay of UT chokeslamming X is played on the Titantron. HEY, who is operating the Titantron? I sense SABOTAGE!! UT slowly turns around to face Kane and many thoughts must have passed through his mind, 'Oh dip... how am I going to explain this... think fast dead man...uuuh.. it's a new Heimlich maneuver.. new mating ritual.. no.. that's not good..' but Kane already chokeslams him by the time his thoughts reached, 'Oh dip..'

Kane carried X out of the ring over his shoulder. X realizes that Kane saved him and is overcome with emotion. His bottom lip quivers while UT's big head is displayed on the Titantron behind him looking like he'll snort X up in one quick, extreme sniff. But X throws his arms around Kane and hugs him real good.

Kane must have been pretty shocked at this display of emotion. 'Yo man, we're MEN! People are watching! HEY DUDE! I'M A DUDE!!'

Of course Kane gives in. How could he resist the little Pac? Of course if it was me, there would be gropes, nipple presses and nork torques. Sigh. It's better that Kane develops into a more 'human' character.

Footage cuts to a Stevie promo.  Looks like he saw the Kane/ X hug and is confused by it. Other than that, his beer is drooling down his mouth and he looks like a St. Bernard or the Rock during one of his many spitting sessions. This picture is a perfect ad campaign for 'Why would anyone want to divorce this man?'

HHH vs. UT. HHH wheels Vinnie down the ramp and towards the announcer's area. HHH tells the squatters around ringside (they're probably the photographers/ tech crew) to move out of the way. 'Get these squatters out of here!'

The match commences and one point, UT is on all fours and the camera gets a shot of his backside. He's kinda shaped like a gourd, isn't he.

Anyways, JR believes that Austin will make his appearance eventually. He says, 'I'm a believer..' Ah.. then I saw her face, I'm a believer, not a trace... of doubt in my mind.. I'm in love ..MMMMM... I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her, if I tried..

Sorry. Monkees was part of my decadent upbringing. Pleasant Valley Sunday was a song of utmost chaos.

Signage: Jerry 42:C. Yo, Jerry doesn't wear a bra.

Austin does run in, as well as the Rock. Hey, who invited YOU to the party. Of course this means there's no winner to this match but a melee starts. Hey, there's another squatter. They're all over the place. I think this one is waiting for UT to turn the corner so he can squat on him or something. This is an epidemic. Someone better call a landlord.

Look!!! More squatters!!! Watch them scatter!!  Here comes the Landlord-Tenant Attorney with an eviction notice!!

UT and Stevie take their little battle towards the blood mobile. UT then rips Austin's shirt off! HEY, what do you think you're doing??! That's perverted!! And why wasn't I invited???!

Hyuk.

Oh, UT just uses the shirt to strangle Austin. Whoo.. had me worried there. I thought something very wrong was going to occur.

Stevie eventually throws UT into the blood mobile and heads for Vinnie. Steve gets in the ring first. I don't know but I think you'll get to Vinnie faster if you walked around ringside, dude. Dumb redneck.

Hyuk.

Maybe it's the tumor on Steve's forehead that's disturbing his rational thoughts. Yes, we know, it's just a lumpy band-aid. After Steve works Vinnie over, Bearer unleashes UT from the blood mobile. He should have come out of there like the Tazmanian Devil but that's just being overly dramatic, isn't it. UT attacks Stevie and that's the end of the show.

Nightie night.