By Chokee Slam

Cleveland, OH

After the photo stills of the First Blood Match at Fully Bloated, it cuts into backstage footage of UT beating up on l'il X-Pac.You leave him alone, you big gourd bully. Ah well, UT may be a gourd but at least he's not all lumpy and warty. Perhaps this is because he hasn't achieved the maximum level of evilness because ANYONE who watches horror movies know that a crappy complexion is a sure sign of someone turning EVIL, like the painting of Dorian Gray. Of course, the easy solution to that is benzoyle peroxide; Clearasil. If they had just smudged some on the painting, I'm sure evil will reign without notice.

Oh, X-Pac. To avoid getting beat up by UT, all he really needed to do was to start running. There's NO way UT would be able to catch up with him. The only other individual who can rival him in quickness would probably be Shane (McMahon, definitely not Douglas). Anyways, Dogg tries to help but instead gets a cooler thrown at him and chokeslammed through a table. UT continues to beat up on X-Pac all the way to the ring as everyone cheers on. Savages. Don't you all see what's going on, WHYYYYY isn't anyone helping X???

Just kidding. We are marks for this storyline but not that way.

To make it even worse, UT gives X a wedgie. It's not too devastating a wedgie so it's just a Standard Melvin. An Atomic Melvin would result in X's pants going over his head. Ouch. Eventually, Kane comes in to help his l'il buddy. UT sees him and just to rub the situation into Kane's (damn 'J' key is too close to the 'K' key, therefore I almost called Kane 'Jane') face (or mask), he kicks at poor X some more. 'SEE, I'm hittin' your girl, SEE??'

Kane and UT go at it but Big Show has to come in showing off his BIG panties (which, by the way, STILL is not enough to cover his BIG ass) and be a BIG Buttinski. UT and The Big Butt Cheeks eventually beat up on Kane and have formed an alliance.

WHOA. Looks like Big Show has gotten the BIG GUT again. Looks like he's 8 months into his pregnancy. Congratulations!   (I think he was backstage, chasing Max Mini around, yelling, 'Get in my belly!!!' ... BC)

Backstage, Vinnie arrives via limo. Saaaaay, you're not even supposed to be there! Oh, I'm flabbergasted.

By the way, flabbergasted is an odd word. It sounds more like a physical condition, pertaining to something gastrointestinal. Sounds brutal.  (Possibly more devastating to the people around you than the victim himself... BC)

We see Kane trying to help the 'unconscious' X-Pac. HEY, you know Dogg got beat up worse. He got the dreaded cooler on him AS WELL as being chokeslammed through a table. Why isn't anyone helping him? Ah well, X knows how to work the 'helpless yet noble' character. Okay, go help X. Besides, X is cuter and we all know that LOOKS are important in this world.

Okay, this segment is mighty sweet, I must admit (mark). Kane tries to carry X out of the ring, but pretty much just threw him down to the mat (mark). Alright, more like X just collapsed outside of the ring (mark). AAAAAWWWW (mark mark mark mark). This causes Kaney to wail like a tortured animal (BIG MARK!). It sounds very much like the way I violently yawn at work on a Monday though. Let's make the comparison. Kane's Tortured Wail of Despair vs. Chokee's Tortured Yawn on a Work Day.

Kane carried X off over his shoulder. In the least, X can once again get a good clear view of Kane buttage. HEEEY, I see.... I get it. I can see clearly now, the rain has gone. X just wants Kane to carry him from the ring all the time so he can check out his ass. Smart man, that Sean is.

Backstage, two medic dudes awkwardly put X into the ambulance. They almost couldn't get the gurney legs folded. Kane looks into the window, obviously upset (MARK). He should have planted a kiss on the window (twisted mark). I'm sure X was in there making faces at his buddy.

Now of course, due to the gimpishness of the medics, all I could think of as the ambulance drove off was that they would eventually hit a speed bump, the back doors would fly open and X, strapped to his gurney, comes flying out towards an incline and starts rolling into a nearby yet conveniently placed pit. This is very Simpsons-like. X, of course, would ooch and ouch throughout the whole ride.

Hard Holly comes out to be the special ring announcer. He shoves the ring announcer in attendance, showing his obvious anger at the fact that that man has a full head of hair and Holly doesn't. Holly is bitter about being follicly challenged.

Edge and Christian enter the ring. Christian takes off his sunglasses, probably sees light for the first time since he woke up and scans the audience to find something perplexing. 'What does that say?? Christian... wears..... women's underw.... HEEEY!'

They go against the Acolytes in a title tag match. Hey, you know, Mr. Simmons has a pretty prominent behind. It may be a big butt but it's not a Fatu nor a Yokozuna butt. Those are pretty unfortunate derrieres. Still, we think that Mr. Simmons has plenty of ass to spare for the likes of the butt-deprived, like Edge. Damn, someone give Edge a piece of cake.

Check out Christian's new tights. Looks like someone spewed on them. Gangrel eventually runs in and abducts Christian. I guess Christian owed Gangrel a Denny's date and The Bloated One is collecting.

Acolytes win, Holly proclaims himself the winner and they all just start beating on each other. Can't we all get along? Then Kane comes in to clear the ring and gets the microphone. He takes his little cancer kazoo out and says (by the way, he's almost perfecting the art of cancer kazoo usage), 'You..'

HOLD UP!! There's Kane NIPPLE!! WHOO HOO!! WHAHAH!! Pardon me while I do my happy dance. I am squishing your nipple, squishing. It's a good nipple, it's a small nipple, it's a good small nipple. I know this is not the first appearance of Kane nipple but.. perversions never die.

Oh, Kane says, 'You hurt Sean...' (aaaw.. mark)... 'you hurt me.. Undertaker.. Big Show.. tonight I'm going to hurt you..' You tell them, Red. Then he sticks the kazoo back in the seat of his tights. It must feel good there. Maybe it vibrates?

Backstage, Kenny is sitting on a gurney and being tended to by two medics. Hey, you guys were supposed to be driving X off to the hospital. We are actually waiting for the gurney that Kenny is sitting on to start rolling back, forcing Kenny to take little baby steps in order to roll the gurney back into camera range. Hey, these are the things we think about mainly because these are the things that tend to happen to us.

Nothing is funnier than reality, I tell you.

We see footage of how a Kenny got hurt.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful buff man, with a crooked nose, who probably snored like a freight train, named Kenny. As he was walking towards the arena, he saw an ambulance drive by. He said, 'Hey, there's an ambulance driving by.' So since a Kenny's attention is easily taken off path, an evil automobile backed up into Kenny, causing him to jump up onto the trunk and eventually roll off. There, he clutched onto his elbow in great pain. 'Oh, my elbow is in great pain,' he said as he clutched.

Some horrid beast walked out of the car and his name was.. geez, what is his name? Is he a wrestler? (Blackman's car is all wrong - he oughta be driving an old Army jeep with his GI Joe lookin' self... Rhiannon).

Oh yes, Blackman. Well, whoever he is, he was sporting short shorts with a flashdancey type of magenta tank top that stated the obvious. It's laundry day. (Normally when I run out of clean clothes, I'm reduced to cream colored MC Hammer pants with a puke-purple plaid top). Perhaps the Kenny was toting some quarters, which is very necessary when one needs to use a washing machine. Those clothes also say, 'nothing says 'gay' like this outfit.' Nothing says 'gay' like Shawn Michaels' loafers san socks look either.

Of course, a big pink feather boa is a dead give-away too.

Vinnie is walking backstage. Then Austin is walking backstage. That was a pretty intense walking scene. I wonder what their motivation was. Probably, 'Okay dudes... get this.... you're .. WALKING.. through the hallways.. you have a destination to get to.. now.. just go with it.'

Vinnie walks out to the ring and the camera gets a shot of Ben Stiller in the audience who is showing the world that he is not a Vinnie fan. Yo Ben, look at your hair. Do you own a comb? Ben then looks to the camera and gives us his answer.. he shakes his head no.

Oh well. It's not the end of the world. It actually looks fine in a 'just had sex' mussed up way.

Vinnie says, 'I come before you...' OH! That's vile! You're on live television.. there are children present. And HELL, just like a MAN, can't you come WITH or AFTER me?

Vinnie says it yet again, ' I come before you...' THAT'S TWICE NOW! Give me a moment, huh? Give me some fun, huh?

Again, Vince says, 'I'm taking the liberty to come before you...' Again? I'm starting to worry that in the presence of Vinnie, there may be some frigidness going on.

Sorry. That was tasteless and wrong.

Vinnie says, 'This is how I want you to remember Vince McMahon..' Yeah, as someone who comes three times before me. He's virile, I reckon, for his age.    (Yeah, how many 50+ year olds do you know that can come three times in 2 minutes??? ... BC)

This may be tasteless and wrong but who said I was going to stop?

Austin then comes out. Vin tells Stevie that they are very much alike. Well, maybe when Vinnie takes off his toupee, he and Austin are alike. By the way, why is Stevie wearing a knuckle bandage on his head? (He's a knucklehead???? ....BC) Oooooooh.

Austin calls JR up to the ring because he wants him to sing a song. Ooh, can he sing Stone Cold Crazy? Nah, too fast to keep up. Only James Hetfield and Freddie Mercury can withstand it. Instead JR sings the 'nah nah nah nah oh hell yeah good bye' song. The camera scans to the audience and the dude with the baseball jersey looks like he's thinking, 'I don't get it..' Hey, y'all think he's from New York? Whoa, there's a chick there with an Elvis Mullet. Amazing sculpturing of frizzle fried hair.

Vinnie leaves and Stevie shows everyone the zit he's sporting in the uni-brow zone.  Maybe you should be putting your knuckle bandage on that zit?

Multiple person sign: HITE TRAH. Seems like 'W' and 'S' had better things to do that evening than to support White Trash.

Vinnie is walking to his limo and Finkel stops him to say goodbye. However, Vinnie growls at him, 'Get the hell away from me..' Finkel's face scrunches up like, 'Good God Vince, please, a courtesy smint, huh?' Hey, there's an ambulance back there. You guys are supposed to be taking X to the hospital!!! They got lost on their way out of the arena. That happens sometimes. At least to US.

Venis walks to the ring, wearing clothes (!!) and his weave is pulled back into a ponytail. You know, that hair gets fuller and fuller every week. In a month, he'll have an afro. He calls out Droz and his 'chia-pet boyfriend..' HEY! That's my joke. Please credit accordingly! But Godfather is the one that walks out. Screwed up timing there.

Then Droz and Prince Rug walk out with their whole frontside drenched. Control your drool much? Just close your mouth, geez. Some etiquette please! Bostin asks, 'Saaaaay, why are they all in street clothes??' Because it's a street fight?? Bostin says, 'Saaaaaay, I get the feeling you're making fun of me.'

Heh. Actually if it is a streetfight, Godfather's wearing his Jolly Rancher Lime vest. I think that constitutes for a gang attack or a fashion police attack.

This match eventually gets taken into the audience. Godfather is pounding on someone and some fan takes a really good close-up picture.. of the back of his head. I sure hope you got a really good shot of his corn-rows and the skin in between them. Close up, it must look like crop.

Some dude dressed all in white (complete with white hair in a ponytail.. on the TOP of his head even) starts beating on Godfather but security pulls him away. I don't know about anybody else but I think security needs to be beefed up some.

Oh, Venis and GF won.

Backstage, Cole is interviewing Rock who makes mention of Cole's 'cute goatee'. That's not a goatee. (It's moss.... BC) He's been trying to grow that thing for the past two years, hasn't he? Better use what Prince Rug is using. Oh, and least we not stray away from the Rock thinking that SOMETHING on Cole is CUTE?? It's a love connection of the simp kind.

Rock yabbers on and perhaps it's the camera angle but the Rock looks like he's got BIG nails. How much nail polish do you use for each of those fingers, dude?

Chyna and HHH walk out to the top of the ramp and they have that sinister underlighting effect. HHH spits the water out of his mouth.. or is that from his nose? Did he sneeze?

They get in the ring and HHH yabbers about Austin. He says, 'I know all your weaknesses..' Oh that's no secret really. Beer and Little Debbie's (and her puppies). The other weaknesses would be Jelly Roll and Bubble Butt.

It's Chyna's turn to speak now and Rock makes his appearance. The camera cuts back to Chyna, then as they cut back to Rock, he and Butt are flouncing down the ramp! It's the Nutcracker, isn't it? Both are flying on the wings of a maxi. And where are your ballet tights? For some reason male ballet dancers always had the largest packages which was more disturbing than attractive. Testes could probably moonlight as a ballet dancer, he's got the package, the high ass and the hair.

Oh, Butt, HHH and Chyna attack Rock. Good.

Actually if they all just attacked themselves, it'd be better.

After they're done, they walk towards the back. Billy Butt sees himself on the Titantron  and is perhaps thinking, 'EEEEEEH! Everyone in the locker room is right, I'm not easy on the eyes...' Rock then issues a challenge to take on Chyna and Butt.

UT and Big Show enter the ring. For a brief moment, I thought Wight's panties said, 'The Big Grow..' In that case, the lettering would be more suitable on the FRONT side of his panties. If Wight was wearing white panties, I'm sure he could show a movie on his ass. It's just that BIG.

They go against Kane. UT and Show waste no time in beating up on Kane. Most likely they're extremely jealous that Kane has a nice body and they don't. Heh.. sorry. That was shallow and superficial.

In the least, I do acknowledge these things.

Eventually, Kane managed to give Wight a boot to the head. Wight's response?  'HOW dare you.. what choo do that for?? You bully.'

UT's head then popped into the frame.. equally as surprised. 'OOOH, whatcha did.. I'm tellin'..'

Eventually it's UT's turn to get beat up by Kaney. Kane must have hit him loopy because UT starts to do a hoe-down. Another hit and UT tries for the Lord of Dance. Okay, the DARK Lord of Dance. Another hit, and I'm sure UT would have popped and jived or performed the Nutcracker.

Eventually Kane gets hit by the chair and is of course, outnumbered. Hell, UT and Show together equal about 5 men (or fifty midgets). Dogg runs in to save, Show chokeslams him though and he then conveniently folds up. Thanks Dogg, you've been helpful.

Meanwhile we keep getting disturbing shots of Wight's cheeks hanging out of his panties. I bet stuffing them back into his panties would be equivalent to stuffing silicone into a boob. Sometimes they use a spatula, y'know.

Debra and Jarrett get in the ring. Jarrett interviews Ben Stiller for a shameless plug of course. Jarrett says, 'I know your movie is coming out.. Mystery Men..' You should have continued, 'by Mirimax, starring yourself, Janeane Garafalo....' Eventually Jarrett asks him who his favorite WWF superstar is and of course it's the puppies. Jarrett beats up on Stiller. JR screams, 'Oh, now that just over-reacting..' Judging by Stiller popping up and down on the mat like a mexican jumping bean when Jarrett hits him, I'd say he's just OVER ACTING. This is a silly segment regardless.

D'Lo runs in to save Ben while Ben saves himself by nuzzling his head into Debra's breasts. Later on when they show the replay, they put a red circle around that scene.

Why not just try for a center spot, WWF people?? Huh???

D'Lo carries Stiller, pats him on the head, and carries him to the back (or off to the sunset... Rhiannon). I'm sure D'Lo wanted to show all his friends the new thing he got. He's definitely potty trained, got big ears, messy hair and money! What more could you ask for?

Backstage, HHH is walking the halls seeming to be in desperate need of a bathroom. He walks into this room that says 'Austin' on it. Y'all think that's Austin's room. Y'all think that that's really the ladies' room and Austin just put his name tag on the door? That would of course be the sneaky thing to do.

Ivory comes out, tells everyone that Nicole Bass was a pain in the ass and then challenges someone to take her on, to do the Rocky Balboa thing again, a se-quel. Hey, Ivory is cute. Well, I of course do remember her big teased hair GLOW days as Tina Ferrari.

Of course I did mention months and months ago about how WWF should recruite GLOW girls. Let's get Hollywood in! I think she's still wrestling.

Oh, some chick takes the challenge and promptly gets her ass beat but Tori runs in... then officials AND the serial hugger, Tony Garea, run in to separate the two. Keep in mind though, that Garea only likes to hug men.

Backstage, HHH is walking out of the room that is labled 'Austin.' Did he TP the place? Perhaps he used his lipstick (whoops) and wrote on the mirrors and walls, 'For a good hug, call Tony Garea..' OH!

HHH's music. 'Is this thing on??' Uh... yeah it is. JR reports that HHH destroyed Austin's personal property. His underwear also? Can't get anymore personal than that. Did he leave brown streaks on them?

HHH vs. Kenny. Kenny comes in bandaged up and HHH starts the attack (Shamrock's ace bandages look like a tube top that was too big and slid down...Rhiannon). I guess Kenny is in need of bigger boobs to support that tube top. I'm sure Vinnie will pay for it.

Anyways, HHH really put a hurting on Kenny's gauze. Eventually Kenny pops another of his blood capsules so that he may 'bleed' again. Gee, you do one little stage trick and you have to do it about fifty thousand times afterwards. It's like my mother. I told her I liked Yoo-Hoo and she never stopped buying the stuff. We had Yoo-Hoo drinks, yoo-hoo burgers, yoo-hoo souffle, yoo-hoo in the can...

Oh..

Chyna is shooting her hairy eyeballs.  'Am I evil?? Yes I am...' Sorry.. Metallica fragments in brain.  (Oh, don't act like you never listen to the Danzig version .. BC) The ref stops the match due to Kenny spewing up the blood capsule so HHH wins. There goes his music again. 'Is this thing on??' Yes, your underwear is on. Thankfully.

Backstage, Cole interviews the UT, Big Cheeks and Bearer. Damn, there's a lot of humanity there. Anyways, UT says that X-Pac is on his way to the 'hah spittle'. I don't know but I think they should have taken him to the hospital instead. There they will tend to him, give him those gowns that open up on the back to reveal his little bum, condom footwear and feed him bland food.   (Orange Jello... BC)

Testes is beating up on Pete Frog. GOOD. Eventually Abs and Rodney run in to assist while Frog lays there, hacking out some hefty phlegm. I don't know but it sounds like he's got a FROG in his throat. HWWWAAAR!!

Alright fine.. you guys try to entertain, why don't you?

Critics.

HHH is coming out again? Oh he's doing commentary for the Chyna and Billy Butt vs. Rock match. Chyna and Butt get in the ring but Chyna looks pretty annoyed. Hell, with present company, I completely understand. She must be thinking, 'I'll never sleep with a man again..'

By the way, it's HHH's NOSE that's doing the commentary. Enunciating pretty well, may I add. 'Honk.. honk..' HHH eventually talks about Austin, saying that he can beat him and 'I got your number..' Then post it on the internet if you want to annoy him.

Eventually HHH hits JR since JR is the one answering back to HHH and Austin RUNS in, runs into the ring, does a drive-by over Chyna's ass and goes for HHH.

Man, you plowed over a chick! Oh, the humanity. Now let's go find which 'hah spittle' X-Pac is at and .. do something to him.  (Look up his gown??? BC)

Sorry.