By Chokee Slam

Where are they??

Oh no. Mr. Simmons is using the mic. Hey WWF dudes, the way it works is ... if you don't give him the mic then we wouldn't have to hear him speak. See, Mr. Simmons is even uncomfortable with it. His bottom lip is quivering and he's obviously about to bawl. This is blatant cruelty upon the verbally challenged. Have mercy on the man.  He and Bradshaw issued a challenge to Big Show and UT.

Hard Holly comes out and figures he can take both Acolytes on. He runs full steam ahead into the ring, with confidence, does this smooth slide into the ring ... where the Acolytes promptly and swiftly kick at him ('ouch'), knock him down ('oof'), reposition his bald spot ('DOH!'), and slams him ('thanks.. I needed that..').

By the way, Brad, drink a slim fast or something, huh?

Backstage UT, Show and Bearer walk in.  Judging from the Ernie shirt Bearer is sporting, he just came back from an excruciating golf game.

Flashback segment from Heat: during an Edge match, Gangrel and his kidnappee, Christian, are sitting in the audience. Geez, Gangrel, if you couldn't get Christian a good seat in the bleachers, you could have at least gotten him A seat. He's got railing. Mm.. some people have their first sexual experiences with rails, you know. (Gangrel is really cheap on a date... BC)

You guys should have brought along some binoculars at least. You may have thought you were looking at Edge but it was really just the ring pole. Hey, I would like to make a plea to someone, ANYONE. Please give Edge a donut. That boy needs to fatten up some. Well now that he's engaged, perhaps his fiancee will feed him something.

Besides that.

Backstage Terry Rooster interviewed Edge. Did Terry cockle-doodle-doo? Oh that was just Bostin being very mean. Shame on you. I would never be so cruel! Anyways Edge looks on with his ooga-booga eyes as he talks about how hurt he is that Christian, his own flesh and blood, had chosen the big bloated tick over his skinny ass. Strangely, Edge is .. one of those species where if you look at him from one angle, he's very pretty but from a different angle, he's all chin and ooga booga eyes. Odd.

Edge vs. Gangrel. We'll have to dub Gangrel the 'Serial Bum Groper' now. If anyone remembers, he took a full-on grab of Mideon ass last week. This time, Edge is the victim of his sickness.  Considering Edge doesn't HAVE an ass, would it be really considered a violation? See, Gangrel's hand isn't in claw-like formation, for the ultimate grab-squeeze gesture. Instead, it's more like he's patting the ass because it's flat flat flat. It's like putting your hand on top of a table. Wax on wax off.

By the way, does Luna know what you're doing, dude? And Edge, next time just tell him, 'This is sexual harassment and I don't have to take it anymore..' You know that always works.

Lawler states at one point that Gangrel is 'getting gothic on Edge's ass..' He's getting somber and depressed on his ass?? Smoking clove cigarettes and wearing fishnet stockings and torn lace on his ass?

We still see goths around on occassion, wearing long leather jackets in 100 degree weather. We know that fashion is more important than good body odor. And they wonder why they feel isolated and alone.

Eventually the lights go out .. the audience ooh's and aah's.. lights back on and Christian is standing there very perplexed with his hands on his hips. 'Whatta ya know, how'd I get here? I was walking around in the dark, suddenly felt something big, bloated, blubbery and mushy and .. aaaw Gangrel, haven't you ever heard of a maxi pad??' Of course, Gangrel got the bucket o'blood poured over him. Christian and Edge eventually hug, as they reunite. Edge could probably get Christian a GOOD SEAT to sit on in the bleachers and not just the railing.

Shane enters and talks and talks and talks... talks and talks and talks.. until he foamed at the mouth and fell backwards. Just kidding. Shane spoke about his daddy, saying that he has the physical attributes (what kind of family do you come from, you... checking out your father's physical attributes), the intelligence and the balls the size of grapefruits (checking out his GRAPEFRUITS TOO!!). Actually, I think a better, SAFER and not as horrifying descriptive would be KIWIS. Still brown and hairy but not as big. If they were coconuts, I would feel really bad for Linda McMahon.

Then Shane addresses Testes, who comes out and says, 'Shane-O Shane-O...' Things are going down the DranO? Shane then looked at Testes and gave him his most threatening Bambi look.  Threatening to a piece of furniture perhaps. Shane doesn't quite cut it as a 'threat', not with the lost Latka-ish doe-eyed look. (He's like, 'Am I scaring you yet??? .. BC)

Testes says that after he goes through the Posse, 'it will be just me and Jew.' Who's the Jew? Barry Horowitz is no longer in the WWF.

Backstage Road Dogg and Kane are on their way to the ring. Dogg keeps asking if Kane can hear him. He's got a bum eye but he's not deaf you know. X had no problems getting through to him. Then again, if Dogg had the cute bum that X has, I'm sure Kane would be more responsive. Hell, I would be. And if I like something, it means the WHOLE world has to like the same thing. NO ONE is allowed their individual opinions. NO BODY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (evil, sinister laugh) HAHAHHAHAAHAHAH.

Boy, this internet stuff tends to get to me sometimes, huh? Anyways poor X-Pac is probably in the hospital eating jello, getting needles stuck in him and probably enduring a panty raid attack from this chick who calls herself Chokee. (AND Bostin!!... BC)

UT and Big Show enter. DAMN, I think it's GROWING! WEEEELLLLLL, it's the Big Elephant Trunk. I think it's stretching out the panties. Meanwhile, looks like UT is pointing upward. I don't know what they're doing with each other but.. it must be enjoyable.

JR states that Big Show is 7 ft 2 inches. You ain't kidding. And we're just talking about his shlong.

They go against Dogg and Kane. Road Dogg, of course, does that leg shaking jig that usually screams, 'Epileptic attack, somebody stick a wallet in my mouth!' Hey Dogg, stop that. Your children and wife are probably watching. Think of the harm it could do to them.

What's going on here? Is this a fart contest? Wight intends to blow Dogg out of the ring and Dogg is pointing his fart cannons towards UT's direction. I don't know but I'd have to say that the Big Show would most likely win. Look, the ref doesn't even want to be involved.

Big Show is trying hard though. Remember, this is a very difficult competition. It takes utmost concentration and stomach muscle control. These competitors are under a lot of pressure (literally). I would ask the audience to remain silent.. and observe. We'll wait for the Big Show to squeeze out the Big One and release the Big Bang to blow a Big Hole into the mat.

Okay, back to our regular scheduled programming (away from the Fart Olympics). When Kane takes a leap at UT, JR states that Kane is like the Big Red Missile. We'd rather just SEE his big red missile.

OH!

Eventually Show interferes and gains the advantage. Now.. one moment, it seems that things are just fine and we see that Big Blow is just looking about the carnage around him. He is perhaps thinking about sausages and air pumps. Oh hey, there's a dude in the audience who looks like the lovechild of Kevin Smith, Balls Mahoney, Mick Foley and perhaps Grizzly Adams.

Oh, back to the skipping. Things were peachy keen and dandy when... Big Blow suddenly decided to .. skip over Kane. This caused Kane to witness a perspective that he may never want to ever venture to again. 'Listen, I don't want to see this side of you....'

Now just before landing on Kane, Big D'Oh got himself a braid erection (a braidie, if you will) (he can name it Greg or Peter) and his little buddy is also very excited. I suppose if you were leaping smack dab on top of Kane, excitement may be something one would feel. Yes, I am speaking for myself... and obviously Big D'Oh.

Then the Acolytes walk down the ramp and Holly comes up from behind (oh my) to hit them with his baseball bat (oh my, again). He gets the leg of Bradshaw first. Mr. Simmons, who is a little oblivious at this point, looks to his partner like, 'Yo MAN, don't you know how to walk down the ramp? The HOes can walk better than you... OH DIP! (this is, of course, the point where Holly takes Simmons down with the bat..)'

Bradshaw is clutching onto his kneepit. 'OWWW, my KNEEPIT,' he may have exclaimed. Holly then tells Wight that this is the last time he will help them. UT looks on like, 'Listen, get your girlfriend in tow, okay? You ever heard of a leash and a muzzle? What about Rogaine?'

Rock segment. Hey, I know that dude. It's 'waiting for cue' guy.

Anyways, Rock does his typical cocky bantering (ooh, I said 'cocky'). You know, the Rock as a face doesn't quite work since rudeness through cockiness is really not an appealing characteristic. If there was any good reasoning for his wrong doings, besides just the need to embarass someone and make himself seem the more macho, perhaps it would work but again.. cockiness via degradation of others is not a strong trait. Cockiness through redundant catch phrases isn't 'intelligent' either.

Alright, I get off my soap box. I hadn't used that soap box in a while. Seriously, the Rock is annoying. Perhaps DWAYNE is a nice guy but his character isn't.

Also, spit does not = sexy.

Segment of Jesse Ventura. They keep playing his voice-over saying, 'It's my rules or the highway..' Trying to embarass him, huh? Geez... and people actually voted for him?? Listen Jesse, you have people who can write your speeches for you now. Please, don't speak.

Billy Butt entrance footage. Here's a clear reason for birth control. Or abortions. OH BOY was that mean. (In that picture he looks like a disembodied head. OOH, the horror Billy Butt... BC) Butt with Chyna, who is sporting UT's old yippe-kie-aye hat. Rally, girl. DAMN, the space between her boobs is growing! She can fit a cucumber in there! Or HHH's nose!

Butt spoke, by the way. I just don't recall about what. I think I had something important to do.. like sort my cereal boxes in height order.

Jarrett vs. D'lo. D'lo wins the match and the Intercontinental Tit! No, I mean the belt, not Debra. Of course this perpetuates on the tension between Jarrett and Debra since he blames her for his loss. I'm sure she was thinking about bald headed jelly rolls. (Hell, I was..... BC)

Backstage, Stevie is walking towards the ring. Remember this footage everyone.. remember the surroundings. He enters the ring. Show and UT walk in however and beat him up.

Aw look at how entertaining Show is. He's doing his impression of a gorilla.  Simmer down there, Magilla.

Stevie is laid out in the ring. I don't know if it's the lighting or not but I wonder if Stevie cooked his head. Just his head because his hand is way paler than his head.  Did someone pour a bottle of Sunless Tanning Lotion on your head while you were sleeping backstage?

Bossman vs. Viscera. Good grief, the Hardcore LOADs match. No one in their right mind would believe that Viscera would win the belt (then again, people in their right minds are a minority so... carry on, Chokester). Okay, change the name of this match to the Hardcore Gimp match. Viscera couldn't even control the fire extinguisher that he used on Bossy. It went rogue and started shooting towards the ceiling.

Boss wins. I don't know if anyone really cared.

Backstage Cole interviews Austin, who is clutching his stomach. Yo, if you have the gagarels (which is a bad spelling for 'the squirts' in Italian), just go go go. I mean GO.

'During the break' segment, HHH is with Chyna by the Coke machine. He's very angry and slamming on the machine. We can't really hear him but we reckon he just doesn't like Coke. Or the cans in the machine. It's those cans! He hates those cans! (The Jerk starring Steve Martin, 1979). Seriously, perhaps HHH is a very dedicated Pepsi drinker and hell, sometimes you get a craving, you just NEED to have it.

Testes vs. Rodney. Joey Abs then runs in.. and he ALWAYS manages to hit Rodney instead of Testes. I think he really hates that dude.

One point, Rodney is going to throw Testes towards the pole. Now, check out the distance from the starting point to the pole that Testes is going be thrown into. You'd figure that Testes had, in the least, three long strides before he would hit impact and you would figure that he would have enough time to take a different path, right? He could have easily veered sharp left, jumped into the audience.. or slid down and hid under the ring (to check out the microphone under there and do a little karaoke too). But noooooo.. you.. you wrestler, you.

Eventually the match resulted in Rodney's hair exploding.   Testes does this armbar lock reminiscent of George The Animal Steele's finishing move. I clearly remember that one because I watched George actually dislocate a shoulder because of that move. An injury like that is pretty hard to fake so... that is of course one of the reasons why I became this little ball of insanity today. Wrestling has always been an influence on my life.

At least this time only Rodney's HAIR was injured.

Backstage Cole interviews HHH who basically just takes him down and growls some words at him. Boy, he really really really needs a Pepsi, huh?

By the way, while this is happening, we catch sight of a Kenny slowly sauntering in the background with a TOWEL on his head. It's a good look for you. Why not try for a pair of flip flops also. Don't forget to wear your socks with that too. He looks like the 'light' version of Taz. Taz Light. It's less filling. Tastes great, I'm sure.

OH! Geez, what's wrong with me?

Backstage UT is miming to Show what he wants to be done. He lifts his leg up (kick), punches (punch), hand in cylinder formation (OH!), waves, picks nose, extract wedgie... Hey, when you're instructing someone on what they should do in the ring, you should be thorough about it.

Blackman enters the ring, carrying his laundry again. Damn Blackman, they should rename you to BlackArmpit. Shave that bush.  I think small animals are stuck in there, I heard a bird chirp.

Blackman is talking about when he ran Kenny over with his car last week. Look at the audience, are they excited or what? I think they'd all rather be elsewhere right now, doing other things like cleaning their septic tank, defrosting the freezer, clipping the toenails of their Jabba the Hutt looking mother-in-laws or something. They wonder if Dukes of Hazzard will ever make its way into prime time again and was Captain Stubing of the Love Boat gay?

HEY! One dude actually reacts to Blackman!  I bet he's screaming, 'HEY WHAT ARE YOU JUST STANDING IN THE RING FOR?? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WIPING DOWN THE ROPES, AREN'T YOU?? SO THAT A WRESTLER CAN COME INTO THE RING AND START...YOU KNOW, WRESTLING??'

Blackman said that he doesn't need a car to kick Kenny's ass, just his hands and FEET. In other words, you take your boots off and stick your smelly feet in his face?Actually, you can kill Kenny with your gimmickless career.

ooooh.. I do be sorry.

Blackman vs. Venis.  Hey check out Venis and his towel spinning abilities. Work in a pizzeria much??? Whatsamattayou HEY!

During this match, Blackman sticks his lethal smelly boot into Venis's face but HEY, their crotches are about to collide!  There's liable to be an explosion. Hair weaves and no gimmicks everywhere. Whatever you do, just don't jiggle, okay?

Kenny runs in and chases Blackman to the backstage area. Slaughter and some refs run in to hold Kenny back. After Kenny breaks free, he turns back to look at them and THEN screamed, 'Get off me!!'  HEY DUDE, they're not ON YOU!! Are you mental? You should have turned around and screamed, 'Hold me back!! Hold me back! ... (pause) YO WHY AREN'T YOU HOLDING ME BACK???'

Backstage, Austin is walking in the halls. Heeey, that's the same footage from earlier in the show.Y'all know what this means right?? All the intelligent and incredibly perceptive would be able to figure this out. Austin has been walking around the arena in circles ALL this time. Whatcha talking about, duplicate footage?? NO WAY! You don't know anything.

UT, Show and Bearer come out onto the ramp again.  Show's front area is all wet now.. geez, what sort of debauchery is going on back there? Of course there is the theory of Big D'Oh just simply, pissing on himself. But we are the perverted and we will spread perverse thoughts throughout the populace.

Meanwhile, UT's thing had shrinkage. Perhaps he tucked it differently. (Now he's the Undertucker... BC)

This will be a no holds barred match. I don't see any bars for anyone to NOT hold anyways so what's your point?

HHH comes in though, pissed that he's not getting a title shot. Austin goes after him and generously, gave him a shot (with his open hand of course). They ALL go at it, then the Acolytes come in and WHOA... what's going on??  DEBAUCHERY in the corner turnbuckle! Wight has HHH in the corner and he's about to perform the most devastating wrestling move of all, the Inverted Dry Hump aka The Butt Press.

THRUST number one. By the way, Show thrust three times before he moved on to give Mr. Simmons a try-out. Oh the humanity. HHH will probably never want to step into a ring again. Ever. He'll cower somewhere and chant, 'Take me to a safe place, take me to a safe place...'

Kane then runs in.. then Dogg.. then Holly.. Butt.. Rock.. it's a meleeeeee (pronounced as written, please. Thank you.)

This is Chokeeeeeeeeee.