By Chokee Slam

Chick-ago, IL

This was one of the best action packed, hilarious, mark-able Raws in a long time. Bostin and I had gone through a pretty harsh week so there seemed to be more insanity when we re-watched this. Bear with us, there was loads of sugar, cynicism and lunacy involved.

The camera scans through the audience and one dude's mammoth Debra sign went limp. Yo, it's pretty sad if your SIGN needs Viagra.

Rock comes out to the ring. Meanwhile UT and Show are backstage peeking through the curtains. By the way, we believe that WWF has supplied the wrestlers with a new SuperSonic Hairdryer because most of the relaxed-hair-challenged wrestlers were sporting some perfectly coddled tresses.

Here's the proof in Exhibit A: UT.  I think he got himself a trim also. Trimming of the hair, not trimming of the fat. That would require more than a new hairdryer, perhaps a meat cleaver. I wonder if anyone decided to blow out their eyebrows.

By the way, ever since the Rock had surgery on his nips, Testes changed his boy leg briefs, and Venis got a hair weave AFTER Mad Phat had made fun of them, we wonder if A WWF crew is reading Mad Phat. They're the crew that has to make sure the wrestlers look their best on tv. It's the Superficiality Crew. The Shallow Brigade.

Rock takes the mic and blathers. The only thing that comes to mind is this Limp Bizkit song that goes like this: HIT IT, Bostin! (click here)

Eventually, UT, Big D'Oh and Bearer (who is so rollie pollie, so weeble wobble, so .. fully packed) enter. They go after the Rock (well who else would they go after) but X-Pac runs in, screaming, 'REVEEEENGE!!' against UT. This is the moment where we unleashed the phallic ice pops!!! Unfortunately, they proceed to hurt little X, and Dogg runs in to get some hurting too. Dogg, you should have at least brought a weapon with you and I don't mean Blackman. Heaven's no. That's like bringing a can opener with you to a rumble.

Kane then runs in to save his buddies. Actually it looks more like he's getting ready to be in a hair commercial. No wonder he normally just walks very fast into the ring since running is not his forte. Maybe he should try a sashay or a cool sidle.

Kane clears out the ring, lickety split. Lickety split. Who comes up with those expressions anyways?

Next are just photo stills of matches to come. One is of Austin. Just Austin. My, he looks lonely. Is he going to wrestle himself?? Give himself a stunner? Actually the way he slipped on the bottom rope at Fully Loaded, it wouldn't be long before he would do himself in.

Limo drives into the arena and out comes Shawn Michaels! Hey, it's been awhile! What a welcome surprise. If we'd have known you were coming, we would have set up the dance floor so you can do your Lord of Dance.

OH, further proof that the new Hairdryer is in use. Exhibit B: Shawn. But really, did they have to paste your hair to your head like that? Where did you think it was going to run away to?

Meanwhile Dotson is behind Shawn, looking at him like, 'Yo, you SO have girl hair..... I think I'm attracted to you.' Watch it, his wife Willow (her name is Whisper!! ...BC) may dance the hell all over you.

Cole interviews X-Pac and Kane. Hey what's that on Kane's chest?? Either it's a zit or his nipple migrated. X issues a challenge to the Acolytes.

This episode of Raw was brought to you not only by New Hairdryer, but by Flubbery (which means 'I can't say my lines for the life of me'). X-Pac contributed Flubbery #1: 'We gotta take care of some unafitted business..' Well, then make it aFIT boy!

Christian enters the ring. Hey, along with the New Hairdryer, WWF has supplied them with De-frizzing products. Christian's head doesn't look like one big blond explosion this evening.

Christian vs. Gangrel. The match starts and Gangrel REVS up to ....  .. to... make a mad dash across the ring.... his sights are set..... for ..... the turnbuckle.

I think I heard him scream, 'I LOOOOOOVE YOU, TURNIE!!!!' He's like a charging bull. He probably screamed, 'EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! THAT TURNBUCKLE IS MINE!!' Hell, I understand. That's how we get when we're running for the deli trays.

By the way, WHAT is wrong with Christian's butt?? There's something disturbing about it. They're shaped like breasts! Implants??

Good grief, there they are again. They're like a separate entity on his body, it's like a butt tumor. (An ass leech!! ...BC)

Then the Hard Boys run in wearing Violet Gum colored shirts. They're moving up from condiments to chewy sensations. (I think we should start calling them the Grape Jelly Boys... Rhiannon). Christian turns his attention to the dark Hard Boy. Now now young man, stop beating up that young boy with pecs like melons. Actually come to think of it, Christian's butts are shaped like two lumpy melons.

Christian then turns his attention back to the match. He's about to jump onto Gangrel from the top rope and HEY, it's pretty convenient for Gangrel to sneeze right at that moment.  'Atchoo' (said in a gloomy, gothic way, of course).

Gangrel goes for the pin via pressing his body on top of Christian. HELLO! Guess what popped up!  Seems like the more weight Gangrel puts on him, the bigger it's getting. Push that thing back down, I think your MOTHER is watching. It's like those things that pop up on turkeys when they're done. You can eat Christian now.

OH! Geeeeez.

Hard Boys beat on Christian which prompts Edge to make the save. Blond Hard Boy takes a damn great clothesline from Edge. That boy can really spin himself around and take a good fall. Way to go Fair One. Ah well, looks like Gangrel has sided with the Hard Boys. He wants to be their sugar daddy now. Hey, no matter what, when it comes right down to the nitty gritty (nitty gritty.. who comes up with those expressions), Gangrel's just a Pretty Boy Hag.

Dok runs in to show off his pumpkin-colored shirt. (He's butternut squash... BC) Due to the Hard Boys dislike of pumpkin or butternut squash, they decide to squash Dok.

Ah, here we have Exhibit NEGATIVE A. Blond Hair Boy did NOT use the New Hairdryer. Ah, lass, (that's for a girl, don't you mean lad?? ...BC) (No.. CS) you suffer the consequences of nappy, tangled hair. You must give in to the power of Conair.

Backstage, Cole interviews the Acolytes. We do love Mr. Simmon's voice. We can just imagine him saying, 'I so coo...*' and he would still sound mean. Meanwhile, let's take a look at Bradshaw.  His body is starting to morph into a Dan 'washing machine' Severn shape. Look at choo, standing next to Mr. Simmons, whose physique is superior to yours.

His ass is percolating, he's tight all over, he's like an impenetrable force. And Brad? Your tits are sagging, your jelly roll is FILLED, your hips are getting big, you're turning into a woman! A woman with a dyed black beard of course.

Jesse Ventura's appearance. Oh, Flubbery Number 2. JR says, 'Jesse They Body Ventura.' I guess everyone was really excited for this much anticipated Raw event. By the way, we're not positive but it's a possibility that Jesse indulged and used the New Hairdryer. Well, maybe he used it on his mustache. He meticulously styled it the way stylists do in salons. You know, have the hairdryer follow the brush as it's .. brushing.

In the least, it was pretty humorous as Jesse ripped into Hogan, talking about his 'Bozo the clown haircut'. Uh.. Jesse, did you happen to see the footage of yourself on the Titantron when you were coming out? I guess not. Well, never mind. Go on governor.

Signage: WCW sucks. Uh... you think? (Ever??? ...BC) That's late-breaking news, you know. Okay, Flubbery #3. Ventura says, 'I'd like to say one thing else!' How about saying other something?

HHH and Chyna come down to the ring and they look like they mean business. They make it to the ring.. to stare at Jesse. HHH even decides to stick his tongue out. Ah, I think Chyna wanted to get a closer look at Jesse's divet, the little chasm on his chin. 'Let's see how many peanuts I can stuff in there.'

HHH says to Jesse, 'You must be stuck in the 70's..' YOU should talk, Mr. 'I Tuck My Jeans Into My Boots Like It's Still the 80's' Man. Hey he looks like he's going to do that song, 'Put one foot in front of the other.. and soon you'll be walking out the ... ring (it's supposed to be 'door' but work with me here).

HHH then says to Jesse, 'This is not Minnesota...' Uh-huh. It's Chicago. And your point?

HEY! Check out Jesse's berry! (It's a raisin!!... BC) Careful, it may one day grow to be a huge red grape with seeds in it, no less. That's disgusting.

Chyna's reaction to the berry? Can we say, 'Uh-hUURRHH!!!'

Now HBK enters and of course, it's Mad Phat's job to catch him in mid-flounce with poofed hair. Talk about being stuck in another era. Get in the ring, Mr. Crockett or Tubbs of Miami Vice. Heh, Tubbs. Not a very flattering name, is it? He may as well have been named Dumpy.

Here comes Flubbery #4 presented to you by Shawn himself. He says, 'Come Summerslam, this man here (he's talking about Ventura, in case no one knew. Well he's certainly not talking about HHH. Whoops) will be the most powerful referee in World Reffer....' What's a reffer? Did he mean to say reefer?

Ventura is baffled. He's about to mouth, 'Whooooo?' Meanwhile I think HHH is about to snort Michaels up in one quick sniff. He has the most powerful shnoz in the World Reffer Federation.

HHH then shoves HBK but Ventura makes things all better by whispering something to Shawn. I'm pretty sure he said, 'psst ssss pss sshhhshhh psst... and oh yeah, PSST.' A match is set for a 3-way between UT, HHH and Austin. This causes HHH to retaliate with his most foul look. 'Oh yeah, well get a gander of THIS face!' (That's the 'I just got a finger stuck up my butt' look... BC)

HHH starts shaking his head in disagreement. Watch it, dude, you're about to shake your head right off the screen. Usually when someone shakes their head in that manner, it brings about turkey gobble noises (out of us, at least). When head shakes, gobble.

By the way, Exhibit C of the New Hairdryer Series: HHH. This is what happens when the Hairdryer goes rogue and out of control. What an unfortunate styling accident.

Of course HBK is happy with his commissioning and merrily dances for us again.

HBK is mighty stealthy in his technique because even HHH lost him, 'Hey, he was here just a minute ago..'

Austin and his jelly roll has entered the building.

We get an 'Earlier Today' segment of D'lo and Mark Henry jogging in the park. (D'Lo should be careful – if Mark Henry passes out in the middle of nowhere, he'll never get him back to civilization.. Rhiannon). I'm sure D'Lo can find a forklift somewhere.

Anyways, just when D'Lo tells Henry to jog off into the woods, here comes Drive-By Jarrett with Park-At Debra. Jarrett attacks D'Lo. Now Jarrett just doesn't know how to take advantage of a situation. He should have popped out of that garbage can and gave Henry a heart attack. D'lo would be upset and Jarrett will have done away with both of them.

By the way, we do believe Henry ran off to the nearest McDonalds.

Jarrett with Debra vs. Venis. While the match is in progress, JR tells us that something happened in the locker room. Oh no.. not that. Is .. a wrestler.... showering or something??

Debra tries the seduction bit on Venis but Venis still gets the pin on Jarrett. He pinned Jarrett in a most obscene manner and  had this expression like he was driving him. He's got Road Rage. He's got Wrestler Rage. (He's the Incredible Wrestler... BC). You wouldn't like him when he's wrestling.

Of course Jarrett blames Debra but Venis saves her.

Backstage, we see Austin lieing unconscious at the bottom of the steps with a cinder block (or the scale model of the ECW Arena... BC) by his head. Lookee, Slaughter was the first one to take advantage of the situation. He sped over there just to rub some Stevie chest. Oh by the way, when you pick Austin up, make sure you wiggle his spine a lot.

Cole is at the scene where Austin is being carted into the ambulance. Hey, we report the REAL news though. Austin is pitching a tent!! Let's go camping! I got the Smores!

Shawn enters the ring to tell all what had just occurred. His blazer is on but he's missing his shirt. Wow, that cinder block hit to Austin's head must have been so hard, it knocked Shawn's shirt off his body! HBK wants to know WHO is to blame for what happened. Aw come on, we all know the truth. Austin was walking up the steps, 'spaz' attacked him, his foot slipped on the step, he fell down, then Stevie go boom. He was so embarrassed that he put that cinder block by his head. He faked the whole thing. Come on, even a mark could see through that.

HHH then comes out and .. is he rolling a tic tac in his mouth? Or is that his snaggle tooth? Hey Bostin, doesn't he look your grandma with the one tooth? (No, my grandma's tooth was on the top... BC) Well, excuuuuuuuse me. Oh well, whatever, even though Austin is out of action, the 3-way match will still commence but Chyna will replace Austin.

Hey, what happened to HHH's eyebrows? They fled from his face in fear of his nose. They wilted and became a mere clump on the floor beneath him. Oh, the storyline. HHH says that Chyna is 'just a girl' and this is no place for a woman.

Chyna grabs the mic, 'Just a woman, HHH?' NO, he said 'GIRL', girl. Then she said, 'Try me, HHH..' He already tried you.. and he decided to keep you. Even took a warranty out on ya.

D'OH.

Backstage, Chyna and HHH are arguing. Of course in spite of lovers' spats, the end results in a pouncing of the flesh. I'm sure one of them would have given in. Perhaps Chyna may have screamed, 'Now do me! Put that nose where it doesn't belong!' Yeah, like on his chin.

Kane and X enter to their merged theme music. It starts off with Kane's slooooow intro and jumps into the X-Pac theme. I suppose WWF should have put a warning up before playing the music, 'Warning: Merging of Entrance Theme Music may cause confusion. Beware.' Seriously, I heard that some people were actually confused by it. By all means, do not break out of the norm, this could cause massive perplexity.

They go against the Acolytes for the Tag Title Belts. JR talks about how X has helped Kane come out of his shell. I had no idea he was in a shell before. Do you think he may have said, 'Oh, look I'm in this shell.. someone get me out of this shell.. what am I, a clam?' Sorry, that was bad but blame it on the influence of Austin Powers.

As X is getting pummelled on in the ring, Kane waits patiently by his corner and watches. He may be thinking, 'Aw.. that's gotta hurt.. OOCH.... you know, that kid gets his ass kicked EH-VER-EE Goddamn time we wrestle. I think I need a new partner.. '

But hey, X and Kane win the belts! WHOO HOO! Get the ice pops! Dogg comes in to congratulate them and X gets the mic. He tells everyone that Kane has two words for them. Dogg hands him his.. lip balm? Well, alright!! Stand firm, battle chapped lips!

Okay it's not lip balm. Kane is like, 'What is this, a roll-on? Heeey, what are you trying to say to me???'Alright alright, I'm moving on. X tells him that he doesn't need that thing, he can speak on his own. Kane says, 'Suck it.' Good grief, that was horrible. Did you have a milk shake before you said that? Still, it was a good effort. Now all we need is a crotch chop ...

Aw, well whattaya know. Kane's first two words were 'Suck it.' That's much more advanced than the typical 'Ah goo.' That Kane, I think he's going to be a scholar of profanity and make X-Pac a proud proud guardian.

UT and Big Show run in to ruin the party. Of course Show always seems to go for Kane's family jewels. 'OH! My Big Red Nuts!' You know, Show, jealousy rears its ugly cheek.

Show attacks X and again, we'd like to see where HIS family jewels are. The elusive pac.. where they be? You know, searching for those things is like anticipating the Groundhog. Will it stick its head up?? (Will it be an early spring?.. BC)

GTV segment. Billy Butt is getting a butt massage.

Shane McMahon is accompanied by Joey Abs. You know, I don't know why he's called Abs considering we've never seen his abs. He should be called Joey Sweater, Joey Chinos, Joey Fingers, Joey Neck.. you get the idea. Shane is doing commentary.

Abs with Steve Blackman vs. Testes with Kenny Shamrock. We see the desperation of Blackman as he tries to beat a gimmick out of Kenny. 'GIVE ME A GIMMICK, DAMMMMMITT!!' Poor guy. Then he grabs the Big Show's HUGE toothpick out from under the ring. Alright, it's the Kendo stick.

Testes does his unique finisher on Abs. I've never seen that move before. Testes pulled Abs' hand out of his ass! Maybe he'll pull the other hand out of Abs' nose or something. Testes wins the match and starts to put a hurting on Abs' ankle via chairage.

Backstage, Billy Butt yells at the make-up artist and the camera gets an unnecessary close shot of his ass which is covered with 'poison-ivy' colored blush. Of course now I'm contaminated by having to look at the ass and I've grown a third nipple now. Are you all happy?

Backstage again, Cole interviews Testes. He says all he ever wanted was for him and Stephanie to be left alone. He talks about Rodney crying after he put the hurting on him (and his hair). Hey, Testes gives us Flubbery Number ... 55! Testes said, 'why don't you go to the baaaaaack..'

OH! Bunny! What's up, doc? Now that Testes had gotten rid of the Posse members, he intently stares (a bit cross-eyed) into the camera and addresses Shane, 'this leaves just me and JEW!' Again with the Jew. Yo dude, are you reading Mad Phat? Was that a direct poke at us? Poke as you please. It is not unlike a rather entirely pleasurable feeling. Whoa, I confused myself there. (you think you're confused- Oh Testes, if you're reading this, go back to those shimmery shorts... BC)

Boy, I'm good.

We're still backstage. Terry Rooster is with Steve Blackman. Are you guys gonna have a cock fight? Sorry. Good God, this was about the most embarrassing segment of the evening. Have mercy on Blackman.

Naaah.

Anyways, Blackman does his whole monologue never taking his eyes off Rooster. Not even when he addressed Rooster as Shamrock. Uh, first of all, the camera is over here! WHOO HOO?? Hello?! Perhaps the dude with the flash cards was standing behind Rooster or the lines were written all over Rooster's face. Blackman talks about using weapons and 'anyone bad enough can use it... (at this point there is a long pause and this is probably when the flash-card dude dropped all his cards) .... SO..'

Mercy.. mercy. Blackman then burped out his last line, 'One way or ANOTHER..' Careful Blackman, you don't want to ruffle Terry's feathers. Sorry, no more rooster jokes. I promise. You believe me, right?

Eventually Blackman's speech is over and he's spared.. but NOT before he looks really shell shocked. I think he wanted to scream, 'LEAVE ME ALONE, MAD PHAT, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!'

Rock enters the ring and thankfully, CHRIS JERICHO's debut! Okay, we marked out again. It was a grand entrance, it was a spectacular debut. Thankfully, they didn't give him gimp entrance music. It was very Beastie Boys-ish. Is it music from that band he's always promoting?? Fozzie Osbourne?? That's kind of like Kermit Sabbath. Gonzo Rhoades. Miss Piggy Iommi. That's fun.

Jericho can certainly work the mic and we're happy to see him in the WWF. By the way, we just need to do something with that hair that's sticking up on your head. There. That's better.

As Jericho works the mic, Rock is obviously in desperate need to spew out at least ONE catch phrase. You know, we read somewhere that Rock keeps a book in which he writes all his catch phrases (old and new). For some reason, I envision Jack Nicholson in The Shining writing, 'All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy..' over and over again. In the Rock's book it would just say, 'Know your role.. know your role.. know your roll.. know your cooking' over and over again.

After Jericho works up the audience by putting down the WWF, the Rock sloooowly brings the mic to his mouth.. and, remember, he's boiling at this point, he hasn't spewed out a catch phrase yet. He brings the mic to his mouth and I'm sure he was going to explode, 'Candyassknowyourcooking.. I mean know your smelly candy-poo, Rudy... I mean, can you smell what your candy is poo-ing? aaaaw..' See, catch phrase explosions were never meant to be pretty.

Jericho eventually takes his shirt off. Oh my. I contribute to the next Flubbery ('Ngaaaaaaaah') as I watch Bostin make a mad dash for the phallic ice pops. She made a screeching turn around the coffee table with her arms peddling and her legs a blur.

Ooh.. grape.

The audience cheers for the Rock (heavens knows why) and Jericho tries to shush them. Rock says he's going to stick his foot up Jericho's ass and well, as anyone's reaction would be, Chris is like, 'Oh no, he's going to rape me..' Be afraid, be very afraid.

Rock then gets into fountain position: I reckon his sweat will spray out of him from the mic or something. Maybe it'll be pretty.

And then.. Jericho pouts.  What a goofy nerd. We highly approve.

Backstage Holly is looking for Big Show. Yo, I think that's the broom closet dude. Who are you talking to in there? (Brooms, pails, cleaners... He should have asked, 'Have any of you mops seen the Big Show?'... BC)

BossMan vs. Road Dogg for the Hardcore belt. Al runs in, hits Boss with a pet carrier and Dogg wins! Good, Bossy really had no place holding that belt. Not even holding it.

Rock is entering the ring.. again?? Lawler suddenly mentions Chef Boy Ardee. For a second there, I thought he was going to wrestle. He must be beefy so.. hey, why not.

Rock vs. Big Cheek. WEEEELL, it's the Big Cheek.. It's the Biggest Cheek in Town. Big Show, you put your cheek BACK in your panties right this instant!! I'm so blind.

To make it worse (I must share my horror), the camera gets an angle of Show's... Big Shlong as he's pushing his big tootsie up against Rock's chest. Warning! Warning! Pull back! Retreat!!!

JR says that Show is 500 pounds. Yeah that sounds about right, his package must weigh about that much. Maybe you're pushing it though, I'd say it's 498 pounds.

Holly then comes in, Show headbutts him out of the ring, Rock crotches Show, then Jericho shoves Rock, Jericho escapes and then does this flashdance jig outside the ring (he's a maniac.. maaaaniac..), then Butt interferes.. Hey, Butt, that thing around your arm? It's a girl accessory.

Okay finally, HHH vs Chyna vs UT with Jesse Ventura as the guest commentator and HBK as the special reffer. UT starts it off good by mushing Chyna in the face, causing her to sit it out for most of the match. Eventually she takes some time off OUTSIDE the ring too.

Austin eventually returns, hits HHH with the chair, puts Chyna over him and hey, Chyna wins. She becomes the top contender for the WWF title. Cool.

She so coo.

This is Chokee and I so coo.

*Dollen (We'd love to hear Mr. Simmons say, 'I so coo' but for now, it became an immediate inductee to Mad Phat-isms. That had us rolling. Really, I was rolling all over Bostin.)