This was one of the best action packed, hilarious, mark-able Raws in a long time. Bostin and I had gone through a pretty harsh week so there seemed to be more insanity when we re-watched this. Bear with us, there was loads of sugar, cynicism and lunacy involved.
The camera scans through the audience and one dude's mammoth Debra sign went limp. Yo, it's pretty sad if your SIGN needs Viagra.
Rock comes out to the ring. Meanwhile UT and Show are backstage peeking through the curtains. By the way, we believe that WWF has supplied the wrestlers with a new SuperSonic Hairdryer because most of the relaxed-hair-challenged wrestlers were sporting some perfectly coddled tresses.
By the way, ever since the Rock had surgery on his nips, Testes changed his boy leg briefs, and Venis got a hair weave AFTER Mad Phat had made fun of them, we wonder if A WWF crew is reading Mad Phat. They're the crew that has to make sure the wrestlers look their best on tv. It's the Superficiality Crew. The Shallow Brigade.
Rock takes the mic and blathers. The only thing that comes to mind is this Limp Bizkit song that goes like this: HIT IT, Bostin! (click here)
Eventually, UT, Big D'Oh and Bearer (who is so rollie pollie, so weeble wobble, so .. fully packed) enter. They go after the Rock (well who else would they go after) but X-Pac runs in, screaming, 'REVEEEENGE!!' against UT. This is the moment where we unleashed the phallic ice pops!!! Unfortunately, they proceed to hurt little X, and Dogg runs in to get some hurting too. Dogg, you should have at least brought a weapon with you and I don't mean Blackman. Heaven's no. That's like bringing a can opener with you to a rumble.
Kane clears out the ring, lickety split. Lickety split. Who comes up with those expressions anyways?
Next are just photo stills of matches to come. One is of Austin. Just Austin. My, he looks lonely. Is he going to wrestle himself?? Give himself a stunner? Actually the way he slipped on the bottom rope at Fully Loaded, it wouldn't be long before he would do himself in.
Limo drives into the arena and out comes Shawn Michaels! Hey, it's been awhile! What a welcome surprise. If we'd have known you were coming, we would have set up the dance floor so you can do your Lord of Dance.
Meanwhile Dotson is behind Shawn, looking at him like, 'Yo, you SO have girl hair..... I think I'm attracted to you.' Watch it, his wife Willow (her name is Whisper!! ...BC) may dance the hell all over you.
This episode of Raw was brought to you not only by New Hairdryer, but by Flubbery (which means 'I can't say my lines for the life of me'). X-Pac contributed Flubbery #1: 'We gotta take care of some unafitted business..' Well, then make it aFIT boy!
Christian enters the ring. Hey, along with the New Hairdryer, WWF has supplied them with De-frizzing products. Christian's head doesn't look like one big blond explosion this evening.
Then the Hard Boys run in wearing Violet Gum colored shirts. They're moving up from condiments to chewy sensations. (I think we should start calling them the Grape Jelly Boys... Rhiannon). Christian turns his attention to the dark Hard Boy. Now now young man, stop beating up that young boy with pecs like melons. Actually come to think of it, Christian's butts are shaped like two lumpy melons.
Hard Boys beat on Christian which prompts Edge to make the save. Blond Hard Boy takes a damn great clothesline from Edge. That boy can really spin himself around and take a good fall. Way to go Fair One. Ah well, looks like Gangrel has sided with the Hard Boys. He wants to be their sugar daddy now. Hey, no matter what, when it comes right down to the nitty gritty (nitty gritty.. who comes up with those expressions), Gangrel's just a Pretty Boy Hag.
Dok runs in to show off his pumpkin-colored shirt. (He's butternut squash... BC) Due to the Hard Boys dislike of pumpkin or butternut squash, they decide to squash Dok.
His ass is percolating, he's tight all over, he's like an impenetrable force. And Brad? Your tits are sagging, your jelly roll is FILLED, your hips are getting big, you're turning into a woman! A woman with a dyed black beard of course.
Jesse Ventura's appearance. Oh, Flubbery Number 2. JR says, 'Jesse They Body Ventura.' I guess everyone was really excited for this much anticipated Raw event. By the way, we're not positive but it's a possibility that Jesse indulged and used the New Hairdryer. Well, maybe he used it on his mustache. He meticulously styled it the way stylists do in salons. You know, have the hairdryer follow the brush as it's .. brushing.
In the least, it was pretty humorous as Jesse ripped into Hogan, talking about his 'Bozo the clown haircut'. Uh.. Jesse, did you happen to see the footage of yourself on the Titantron when you were coming out? I guess not. Well, never mind. Go on governor.
HHH then says to Jesse, 'This is not Minnesota...' Uh-huh. It's Chicago. And your point?
Here comes Flubbery #4 presented to you by Shawn himself. He says, 'Come Summerslam, this man here (he's talking about Ventura, in case no one knew. Well he's certainly not talking about HHH. Whoops) will be the most powerful referee in World Reffer....' What's a reffer? Did he mean to say reefer?
Austin and his jelly roll has entered the building.
We get an 'Earlier Today' segment of D'lo and Mark Henry jogging in the park. (D'Lo should be careful if Mark Henry passes out in the middle of nowhere, he'll never get him back to civilization.. Rhiannon). I'm sure D'Lo can find a forklift somewhere.
By the way, we do believe Henry ran off to the nearest McDonalds.
Jarrett with Debra vs. Venis. While the match is in progress, JR tells us that something happened in the locker room. Oh no.. not that. Is .. a wrestler.... showering or something??
Of course Jarrett blames Debra but Venis saves her.
Shawn enters the ring to tell all what had just occurred. His blazer is on but he's missing his shirt. Wow, that cinder block hit to Austin's head must have been so hard, it knocked Shawn's shirt off his body! HBK wants to know WHO is to blame for what happened. Aw come on, we all know the truth. Austin was walking up the steps, 'spaz' attacked him, his foot slipped on the step, he fell down, then Stevie go boom. He was so embarrassed that he put that cinder block by his head. He faked the whole thing. Come on, even a mark could see through that.
Chyna grabs the mic, 'Just a woman, HHH?' NO, he said 'GIRL', girl. Then she said, 'Try me, HHH..' He already tried you.. and he decided to keep you. Even took a warranty out on ya.
Backstage, Chyna and HHH are arguing. Of course in spite of lovers' spats, the end results in a pouncing of the flesh. I'm sure one of them would have given in. Perhaps Chyna may have screamed, 'Now do me! Put that nose where it doesn't belong!' Yeah, like on his chin.
Kane and X enter to their merged theme music. It starts off with Kane's slooooow intro and jumps into the X-Pac theme. I suppose WWF should have put a warning up before playing the music, 'Warning: Merging of Entrance Theme Music may cause confusion. Beware.' Seriously, I heard that some people were actually confused by it. By all means, do not break out of the norm, this could cause massive perplexity.
They go against the Acolytes for the Tag Title Belts. JR talks about how X has helped Kane come out of his shell. I had no idea he was in a shell before. Do you think he may have said, 'Oh, look I'm in this shell.. someone get me out of this shell.. what am I, a clam?' Sorry, that was bad but blame it on the influence of Austin Powers.
But hey, X and Kane win the belts! WHOO HOO! Get the ice pops! Dogg comes in to congratulate them and X gets the mic. He tells everyone that Kane has two words for them. Dogg hands him his.. lip balm? Well, alright!! Stand firm, battle chapped lips!
Aw, well whattaya know. Kane's first two words were 'Suck it.' That's much more advanced than the typical 'Ah goo.' That Kane, I think he's going to be a scholar of profanity and make X-Pac a proud proud guardian.
UT and Big Show run in to ruin the party. Of course Show always seems to go for Kane's family jewels. 'OH! My Big Red Nuts!' You know, Show, jealousy rears its ugly cheek.
GTV segment. Billy Butt is getting a butt massage.
Shane McMahon is accompanied by Joey Abs. You know, I don't know why he's called Abs considering we've never seen his abs. He should be called Joey Sweater, Joey Chinos, Joey Fingers, Joey Neck.. you get the idea. Shane is doing commentary.
Backstage, Billy Butt yells at the make-up artist and the camera gets an unnecessary close shot of his ass which is covered with 'poison-ivy' colored blush. Of course now I'm contaminated by having to look at the ass and I've grown a third nipple now. Are you all happy?
Backstage again, Cole interviews Testes. He says all he ever wanted was for him and Stephanie to be left alone. He talks about Rodney crying after he put the hurting on him (and his hair). Hey, Testes gives us Flubbery Number ... 55! Testes said, 'why don't you go to the baaaaaack..'
Boy, I'm good.
We're still backstage. Terry Rooster is with Steve Blackman. Are you guys gonna have a cock fight? Sorry. Good God, this was about the most embarrassing segment of the evening. Have mercy on Blackman.
Rock enters the ring and thankfully, CHRIS JERICHO's debut! Okay, we marked out again. It was a grand entrance, it was a spectacular debut. Thankfully, they didn't give him gimp entrance music. It was very Beastie Boys-ish. Is it music from that band he's always promoting?? Fozzie Osbourne?? That's kind of like Kermit Sabbath. Gonzo Rhoades. Miss Piggy Iommi. That's fun.
As Jericho works the mic, Rock is obviously in desperate need to spew out at least ONE catch phrase. You know, we read somewhere that Rock keeps a book in which he writes all his catch phrases (old and new). For some reason, I envision Jack Nicholson in The Shining writing, 'All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy..' over and over again. In the Rock's book it would just say, 'Know your role.. know your role.. know your roll.. know your cooking' over and over again.
Jericho eventually takes his shirt off. Oh my. I contribute to the next Flubbery ('Ngaaaaaaaah') as I watch Bostin make a mad dash for the phallic ice pops. She made a screeching turn around the coffee table with her arms peddling and her legs a blur.
And then.. Jericho pouts. What a goofy nerd. We highly approve.
BossMan vs. Road Dogg for the Hardcore belt. Al runs in, hits Boss with a pet carrier and Dogg wins! Good, Bossy really had no place holding that belt. Not even holding it.
Rock is entering the ring.. again?? Lawler suddenly mentions Chef Boy Ardee. For a second there, I thought he was going to wrestle. He must be beefy so.. hey, why not.
JR says that Show is 500 pounds. Yeah that sounds about right, his package must weigh about that much. Maybe you're pushing it though, I'd say it's 498 pounds.
Okay finally, HHH vs Chyna vs UT with Jesse Ventura as the guest commentator and HBK as the special reffer. UT starts it off good by mushing Chyna in the face, causing her to sit it out for most of the match. Eventually she takes some time off OUTSIDE the ring too.
Austin eventually returns, hits HHH with the chair, puts Chyna over him and hey, Chyna wins. She becomes the top contender for the WWF title. Cool.
She so coo.
This is Chokee and I so coo.
*Dollen (We'd love to hear Mr. Simmons say, 'I so coo' but for now, it became an immediate inductee to Mad Phat-isms. That had us rolling. Really, I was rolling all over Bostin.)