WHOO HOO Packers!! CHEESE!
Chyna and HHH, shown on a split screen, has arrived to the arena separately. Alright, don't pretend that they didn't come out of the same car. Who do you think we are, wrestling fans?
HHH takes the mic, says, 'I want to put the focus where it belongs..' Like away from your nose? That's really impossible. Well, you were born with it and there's not much you can do about it. Unless you have money and a good plastic surgeon, of course. Speaking of, he introduces Chyna.
He tries to schmooze her as he brings up all the good times they
had. He asked, 'Do you remember that time???' Chyna should have replied, 'No..'
You should remind Chyna about EH-VER-EE little thing you got for her. New boobs, new jawline, the 2-ply extra soft toilet paper when she really really needed it. Then HHH asks for a match with Chyna to determine who the WWF title contender would be for SS. Chyna thought about it and replied with a quick, 'No.' That was good delivery, girl.
HHH reminds her, 'Who made your ass?' I'd say the Ass Master, which is sponsored and endorsed by Suzanne Somers, most likely made her ass. Vince made the rest of her. Then I guess her parents had something to do with it but I'm not too sure about that. You better not quote me.
Chyna then says, 'You give it a shot, Treple H.' Has she been taking lessons from Pat Patterson? Where is good ole Pat? Will Treple H be in a Dribble Tret Match and if he does, I recommend he wouldn't do dat dink (my diehard fans would probably be the only ones who can fully understand that).
Austin and his bald head has entered the arena. He walked past the 'security guys', whom, might I add, were not doing their job. I did not see an entrance pass on Austin's body. They should have said (just like any professional security guy would), 'Uh.. excuse me, sir?? Where are you.... uh.... HEY?! You... why.... okay, go on but.. uh.. don't let me see you around here again, OKAY?'
Jericho enters elsewhere (perhaps in the same arena, not sure) and says, 'Where is the stage, I must entertain.' You do that, dude. We love to be entertained which enables us to give some of it back.
Dogg vs. Al Snow with Pepper. Hello AL! So, you're a lefty, huh??!!
UT, Big Show and Bearer enter. (The UT's waistline has runneth over.... BC) It won't be long before it'll reach his knees.
UT yaps about Kane and X-Pac and adds, '..whatever, whatever..' Geez UT, you don't even want to hear yourself speak. He then mentioned Summerslam which will occur 'this Sundee..'
UT talks about how they're going to need 2 bikes for a ride into the desert.' Tricycles? With the little bell and some fringes on the handle? UT then speaks about Death Valley, about Big Show's bike running out of gas (no you got that wrong, Show pooted gas and the bike collapsed from the pressure. I think that's what you meant to say. We know what really happened, don't lie).
Okay, with my deciphering expertise, I will attempt a synopsis of what UT is talking about. Uh.. 2 bikes.. go to Death Valley.. 120 degrees out, Show has horrible gas, doesn't know what to do, UT asks Show how would he survive and Show says he'll stab UT after he's asleep and eat Underbellies until he finds something else to eat. But UT doesn't sleep (and boy, does it show.. heh heh, sorry) and will wait for him at the outskirts of the desert or wait at the desert wearing a skirt. That was a bit unclear. (Mini-Skirt!!! ...BC) Show will show up... with a Sundee but it'll be melted because it is 120 degrees out.
That's the message that UT was trying to convey. I know. I was listening.
UT then says, 'It used to be known as Summerslam..' and this year, I do believe it'll be known as... Summerslam. Maybe next year they'll really surprise us and call it... Summerslam.
By the way, by Summerslam, it will pretty much mark Mad Phat's one year anniversary. Memories. That was when the infamous Wet Spot and the Jelly Roll surfaced to the unsuspecting world.
Jericho comes out to his rock star entrance. I really do hope WWF doesn't change his music. It's very adequate for him but it seems that UT doesn't appreciate it though. Much too fast... need slow gothic music. Organ music. Elevator music. Gothic elevator organ music. Has anyone ever heard 'Burning Down the House' in muzak? It's pretty disturbing.
Jericho says that we're oblivious to what UT was saying. Hey, I figured out his little story about going out to the desert to get 120 degree melty Sundees and then being stranded there to eat nothing else but each other's bikes. I figured it out. (They were gonna eat each others' skirts. You weren't paying attention..... BC)
Jericho claims that UT can't 'string together 2 intelligent words.' UT should have replied, 'Can to!' They just don't know when to seize the opportunity.
Jericho says that we're basically looking for a hero. Of course, being a child of the 80's, this brought to mind that Bonnie What'sherlastname singing, 'I need a hero.. .. something something morning light.. gotta be good gotta be fast..' Ah well, I don't remember the lyrics but I do remember that she needed a lozenge. Hey, she had wrestler voice. I get it.. chick from the 80's with wrestler voice and Jericho saying we need a hero... which means... which means...
nothing at all so I don't even know why I brought it up.
But yes, Chris, we're all looking for a hero. .... sandwich. I am a little hungry. Seriously, I'm looking for someone to be the wind beneath my armpits (I don't have wings so that will have to do).
UT's turn to retort. 'Judging by the peach fuzz (on your chin), I have more shower time than ring time...' HUH? UT must have a predilection for being in the shower.. and who else is in the showers but bare naked wrestlers.
LET ME THROUGH! I MUST BE THERE!!
UT continues, '...and if you EVER...' He should have said, 'if you EVER.. drop the soap.. you WATCH OUT, pretty boy!' Jericho is already compiling a list of wrestlers who want to rape him. Oh yeah, put one sick little Chokester to that list as well.
HHH vs. Chyna. As soon as the bell rang, Chyna was on HHH's case, kicking, beating, etc. HHH probably screamed, 'You said we'd only do this in BED!!!'
Hey, Mankind shows up in this match. Welcome back, MICK! He interferes and Chyna is the winner. Mick asks for a title shot, but he gets a crotch shot and a 'no'. But the trooper that he is, Mick says, 'Are you sure?' as he's hugging the mat. You funny! I go tell my mother.
Shawn comes bouncing out. YO SHAWN, why can't you walk out like a normal person. Do you bounce like that at home? Do you and Willow dance your way through daily activities? Washing dishes, cleaning the fish tank, sweeping, it's like you're living a musical. Interesting.
Shawn says to Chyna, 'Honey... sweetie... buttercup...' You forgot hot cheeks, banana nutbread, noodle, butterfinger. Then he grants the match to Mick.
Testes. For Summerslam, he will have a 'Lover or Lever Match'. I reckon most people in this world would prefer a lover to a lever. Still, I can't imagine that lever matches would be too exciting. I mean, one person moves the lever up, the other moves it down.. (It's a Love Her or Leave Her match... BC) ..
I knew that. I was testing you.
They go against the Acolytes. Kane always makes sure that the camera gets a good shot of his forbidden nipple. 'This nipple is a chick magnet, better than a nice car. I should have it bronzed.'
D'OH. I think Milwaukee is going to hate Mad Phat, huh? (We in trouble with the cheeseheads... WHOO PACKERS!! ... BC)
UT, Show and Bearer eventually come out to watch.
At one point, Kane had pushed Bradshaw off the ropes and Bradshaw conveniently rolled on himself. You know, just let him wrestle himself. I think he's his own worst enemy. I think his breasts can pin him down and they would be declared the winner.
As X-Pac tried the atomic sit-down move (which always looks like he just fell and landed on his ass in a very unfriendly manner), we wonder if Brad was singing this little song in his head. It goes something like this, 'Sit on my face and tell me that you love me. I love to hear you vocalize when I'm between your thighs. You blow me away.' (Thank you Monty Python, a HUGE inspiration to the decadence of our lives).
X and Kane win, by the way.
Backstage, Holly is still talking to the brooms in the broom closet. He tells them to come out when he tells them to. Yeah, there's lots of dirt out there.
Holly makes it to the ring, says he's been backed into a corner. Lawler says, 'He's dangerous when he's backed in a corner.' To himself, yes. He might start gnawing on himself. It already looks like he pulled out most of his hairs. D'oh. He introduces his cousin, Crash Holly. He should have been called Squashed Holly because he was like a disturbing 'Mini-Me' version of Holly. All I could think of was Army of Darkness. Perhaps a mass of clones would come running out from the broom closet and into the ring. By the way, please give Mini-Me Holly a pair of tights that will fit his little self. I think he can cocoon himself in those big panties.
Holly and Holly start beating on each other but .. hey, what's more important is the mic fell to the mat, bounced up and Crash Holly served it towards the audience. What's he doing in wrestling? He should be playing tennis or hand ball in the tough lots of schoolyards. I bet the mic sailed into the audience and embedded itself into somebody's head.
Our well known serial hugger, Tony Garea, (good thing he's not a cereal hugger. What, I'm allowed to make a bad joke) is pretending to be part of the Living Referees in order to steal a hug, I'm sure. The refs seem to be moaning, 'I smell your braaaaain!!! Actually, no it's not your brain.. it's more like... veal...' Besides, HHH doesn't have brain, he's got nose.
If we look at it from another horror movie perspective, HHH is like a big statue and the refs are like the flock of birds around him. The Birds. New Hitchcock flick, 'The Reffers.'
Mick wins! HHH manages to break free of the Reffers that flock him to save his Chyna, 'BAAABY!! I couldn't get in, the serial hugger was trying to hug the hell out of me!' Garea is persistent as he's STILL after HHH. This is just a mess.
Oh, Shane and Shawn will be the special refs for that match.
The Rescue of the Week is... the GTV segment where the masseuse is massaging Butt's butt?? How is that a rescue? It's a Poison Ivy-ing of the Week.
Butt enters the ring and says there has been a great.. tragedy. We thought he was going to say there was a great disturbance in the ass. Or the force, up to you. He says his ass is scarred and he's handicapped. You mean you're assicapped. But unfortunately, he will be at Summerslam.
Rock comes out. Aw, he's got to be there too? I'd even prefer the serial hugger to them.
By the way, I'd like to post a really funny email I got regarding the Rock:
--- Poirier wrote:
alright, i've had it.
It's practically poetic. Rock then calls the masseuse out. It was the Rock's plan to use the 'oriental Herbal.' Look at choo, you pronounced the H. This screwed up language of ours is the British's fault, you know, but STILL, Rock, do you pronounce 'phone', puh-hone? Is 'elephant', elepant?
Then Rock says to the girl, 'Pancake your ass back to Chicago.' Look at choo, can't you tell a joke? What does that mean, by the way? Butt eventually uses the Kendo stick (actually a good weapon to use on Rock is a muzzle) (a ball gag... BC) then Butt sticks the Rock's face on his ass.
Please don't fart.
Lawler announces that they will have a 'kiss my ass' match at SS. Will that be as classic as your Kiss My Foot match, Jerry? You made Aldo Montoya suck toe, meanie. That made all his hair fall out, you know, and he became Justin Credible.
Austin enters, ready to do commentary. Shawn comes skipping down the ramp again and we've got package!! Good thing the camera was getting a frontal shot since the profile would make him look like an unfinished letter H. He is SO dangling! Hey, he's a lefty also!
Mankind vs. HHH. Shawn and Shane are pretty amusing together as they keep shoving each other like little boys. Bostin and I actually do that a lot and this is why we love wrestling. Eventually they'll start doing girlie hand slaps which is, you flap your hands about at the wrist and just pray you hit a target which isn't yourself.
Mick and HHH start fighting again, which cues in the Night of the Living Reffers and the Serial Hugger again. Garea is looking for another score. Imagine that, two hugs in one night. He's so happy, I'm sure he feels like the Luckiest Hugger in the World.
This is Chokee and I will be the Happiest Ass Leech in the World.